Finding Passion – Part 1 1/2

Posted in Affairs, Conflict, couples, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Passion, Romance by zombiedrew2

passion7

In part 1 I discussed the loss of passion in relationships, and how I believe it is the leading contributor to affairs, divorce, and unhappy relationships (or at least relationships that are less happy than they could be). Loss of passion is somewhat inevitable in long term relationships, but that doesn’t have to be the case, and there are ways to try and rebuild it when it’s diminished or gone.

I was planning on talking about “ways to rebuild” in part 2, but as I started writing I realized there was something important to cover first about loss of passion. So I’m going to cheat a bit here. Instead of part 2, I now present you with Part 1 1/2!!!

Team Building

Relationships are like small groups, or teams, and in the mid 60’s a guy by the name of Bruce Tuckman came up with a theory on the stages of group development. Tuckman believed there were four stages that all groups or teams can go through; forming, storming, norming and performing. Here’s a brief explanation of each stage:

Forming. This is when a team comes together. This stage is characterized by excitement, optimism and anticipation of what the future will bring.
Storming. At this stage reality sets in and it doesn’t quite match what was expected. Members may become dissatisfied and/or frustrated. There is some anxiety as they are adjusting to the fact that the team isn’t working out quite the way that they thought it would. At this point there is a resistance, conflict and emotions tend to run high. Members may start looking out for themselves instead of doing what is best for the team.
Norming. At this stage the team has worked out most of the issues. They understand the idea of shared goals, and have learned to cope and accept each other. There is a sense of relief and lowered anxiety, as the members are engaged and supportive of each other.
Performing. At this stage the team is performing at a very high level. They truly understand each other, and have a strong sense of teamwork and cohesiveness.

tuckman-model

If all teams go through these stages, isn’t a relationship really just a special type of team? Let’s take a closer look at these stages in the context of a relationship.

The Forming Stage

All of us have our own idealized views of what our perfect relationship looks like. Looking at traditional gender roles (which by the way I don’t buy into), young girls may have this idea that they will meet their “handsome prince”, who will sweep them off their feet and lead them off to a life of romance. That’s how the fairy tale romances are depicted by Disney anyhow. The traditional gender roles for guys are a wife who takes care of both them and all the domestic stuff.

Whether or not you buy into the “traditional roles” we all have some sort of idealized view of things. One problem about with an idealized view is that it is almost always a selfish view. It is about “what this relationship will do for me”.

In the early years of a relationship, there is the excitement of the new, and the promise of what the future could look like. In the early stage of a relationship things seem perfect, and it’s easy to overlook the “flaws” in your partner.

It seems clear that this love is real, and will last forever. And if nothing else we all expect that no matter what happens in our life with our chosen partner, we will always be happy together. Eventually reality sets in, and we find that reality doesn’t quite match what we expected.

The Storming Stage

This is where the fun begins. In this stage we realize that our chosen partner is actually a regular person. They may still be wonderful, and a great match for us. But they have flaws just like anyone else. And not just that, but our idealized vision of a life together isn’t quite correct. Most of our time is still taken up with jobs, and the need to pay bills. We may still have dreams that we want to accomplish together, but most of our life is actually pretty mundane.

I believe much of our enjoyment and appreciation of life is based on expectation. A while back I wrote a post on expectations in relationships. I think it’s probably one of my most important posts, but sadly is one of the least viewed. Here’s a simple analogy for expectations:

A few years ago Marvel Studios was just getting it’s start, and they put out Iron Man and an Incredible Hulk movie (with Edward Norton) in the same summer. I was in full “daddy mode” at the time so I didn’t get out to the theater much, but I heard all the hype – both from buddies and from reviews. From everything I was hearing, Iron Man was a fantastic film while the Hulk, ehhh, it was alright.

That fall I finally got a chance to see them, and I enjoyed Iron Man but I really didn’t think it was amazing. I also found that I enjoyed the Hulk much more than I expected to. You see, my expectation for Iron Man was high while for the Hulk it was low. As a result my enjoyment of the films was colored by my expectation.

We do this in all aspects of life. Our happiness or enjoyment of something in some ways is related not to what something actually is, but to how it met expectations.

ALL relationships go through this storming stage. And this storming stage is really a collision between our expectations of what we believed our partner and relationship should look like, and the reality of the situation.

Our level of disappointment at this stage is really about how big the gap is between reality and expectations. If the gap is small, then it’s not a big deal. If the gap is large though, trouble ensues. Because this gap is based on your own expectations, it will be different for each person. As a result one person may be quite happy in the relationship, while the other person isn’t.

As one or both partners become dissatisfied and frustrated they may start turning away from the relationship, and start looking out for themselves. This period of dissatisfaction can lead to conflict and high emotions, and put enormous strain on the relationship.

When a large gap exists, the question becomes why? What exactly is wrong? Is it an issue of unrealistic expectations? Or is the relationship somehow lacking? In all likelihood it is a mix of the two. The situation may actually be pretty good, but it doesn’t match up to expectations and so it is seen as unbearable.

Because our expectations are partially formed by experience you can also see the opposite happen. If someone has been treated very poorly in the past, then may find a new relationship where someone treats them marginally better (but still poorly), and this may be seen as acceptable. It’s very hard to judge things for “what they are”, as our expectations always determine our level of contentment.

All relationships go through this storming stage, and it can be a very difficult time, sometimes lasting years. In some cases people are able to close the gap between expectation and reality. People may realize their expectations were unrealistic and find a way to re-frame them, or they may find ways to improve the reality by working on improving the relationship.

In other cases the gap between expectation and reality is too large, and the relationship fails. Not all relationships make it through this stage. And honestly, not all should.

The Norming Stage

I believe the norming stage of relationships is where true love blossoms. It may not be the stuff of fairy tales, but it is a deep, mature love.

At this point in a relationship both partners have “weathered the storm”. The couple that comes out on the other side is different, but stronger. They have learned strategies for coping with their differences (which may or may not be healthy strategies), and they have come to accept each other for who they truly are, and not just who they wish they were.

Most people will agree with the idea that perfection doesn’t exist. But saying they agree, and accepting it in your own relationship are two different things. A while ago I came across a great quote that sums up the norming stage well. I didn’t write it down, but I believe it went:

Choosing a partner is about choosing a set of problems you can live with.

It sounds terrible, but it’s true. Perfection doesn’t exists, and all people have traits that are hard to get along with sometimes. But we need to find a match that works for us.

Continuing with the super hero movie analogies, there’s a great scene in X-men: Days of Future Past. Charles Xavier (Professor X) and Magneto were close friends when they were younger, but became enemies for a number of years. Now older and wiser, reflecting on the past Magneto says:

All those years wasted fighting each other, Charles… but at least we got a few of them back.

In some ways the storming stage IS wasted time. It is a power struggle and a time where the “me” gets in the way of the “we”. But it’s an important (and necessary) stage for all couples to go through. Of course some couples take longer than others, and the severity of issues may be worse in some cases then others.

The norming stage is when people realize it doesn’t have to be an either/or situation – they can be both “me” and be part of a “we”, and they are able to strengthen their bond moving forward.

Some couples slip through these stages a few more times, but for many once they have figured it out, they are able to maintain their relationships and truly commit “till death do us part”.

I’ve heard people describe this process in their own relationships, saying they came to a point where they weren’t sure if the relationship was what they really wanted. But after some time and soul searching (and usually frank conversation with their partner), they were able to recommit and make their relationship stronger than it had ever been.

The Loss of Passion

Bringing these stages back to my original topic, the loss of passion, it is in the storming stage that passion breaks down. It’s pretty hard to maintain passion for someone who at least on a subconscious level comes across as a disappointment. And it’s also hard to maintain passion when the relationship feels like a struggle.

The hard part becomes rebuilding that passion once they have been able to weather the storm and recommit to each other. The difficult in rebuilding passion is based on two factors:

First is the length of time that the storming stage has gone on, and the severity of the issues encountered and damage done during this time.

The second factor is the attitude people bring into the norming stage. Some people stay together because it’s what they know, they feel it’s best for the kids, or because they are scared to be alone. When this happens it’s almost impossible to rebuild any passion, and I think it’s better for both parties to just let the relationship end.

Others stay together because they realize that they truly do love each other, warts and all. And they want to continue to build their life with their partner. If that is the reason for staying together, then passion doesn’t have to be rebuilt. It’s already there, and it just needs to be nurtured.

The Performing Stage

You may have been wondering, hey, what about the performing stage? I left this for last on purpose. This is where the team is working at a very high level, and has a strong sense of team and cohesiveness. One interesting thing about Tuckman’s theory is he believes most successful teams plateau at the norming stage, and very few ever go on to achieve the performing stage.

I think the same can be said of marriages and long term relationships. Many go through the hard years, and come to some sort of peaceful coexistence. But how many are TRULY happy? How many achieve something closer to their initial idealized view (tempered by reality)? Or how many simply accept that what they have is “good enough”.

I’m a big believer in continuous improvement, and I believe that regardless of the state of your relationship currently, it can always be better. You can always find ways to communicate better, and come to understand each other better. Passion should never die. You should be able to feel just as passionate about your partner at 80 as you did at 20.

To me this is the goal. This is the sort of love we all aspire to. It may not be the stuff of fairy tales, but it’s the real life version of fairy tales.

So how do we get there? Next up, my ideas on this. I promise this time

6Dec2014

Finding Passion – Part 1

Posted in Affairs, Conflict, couples, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Passion, Relationship Help, Romance by zombiedrew2

passion

My post from last week on Can Guys and Girls Just be Friends has received a surprising level of response. Since statistics show around 40% of men and 30% of women will have affairs, I suppose it shouldn’t be that surprising.

I thought I was finished with this topic, but comments and emails from readers have led me to explore something I’ve only touched on a bit in the past – the loss of passion in long term relationship.

I believe that more than anything, loss of passion is THE leading contributor to both affairs and divorce. Statistics are clear, many marriages or long term relationships fail. What statistics don’t show is that many of those that “succeed” aren’t really happy relationships – or at least not as happy as they could be.

Some people accept that this is just natural, and tell themselves maybe this is what marriage really is. Or they decide it is better than the alternative of being alone. So they emotionally disconnect and become roommates who live parallel lives, each person doing their own thing with maybe the occasional “duty sex” thrown in once in a while.

Other people ask themselves, is this all life is? Is this what marriage is really about? It seems obvious that the answer is no. That isn’t what anyone expected when they agreed to “in good times and in bad”. Unfortunately although this loss of passion happens gradually, once it has happened it can seem hopeless to get out.

Living parallel lives is one way to deal with the pain, but ultimately that will lead to an affair, divorce, or acceptance of an unhappy existence. That pain does not go away though. It gnaws away at you, and will start to permeate all aspects of your life. One reader described it to me as follows:

Nothing is more painful than a broken relationship. Nothing is more painful than feeling love for the person sitting next to you, and feeling nothing in return. Knowing they are right there, but they are a million miles away.

Affairs allow someone to feel as though they have reignited the passion, and allow the person to convince themselves that yes, it WAS the relationship that was the problem (after all, they can feel passion for someone else, right?). But all the evidence shows that after a year or two the passion in the new relationship fades and the person is back in the same exact spot.

Divorce is another way out, but it is also a way of blaming the relationship. And like affairs, there is no guarantee that any future relationship will be any better.

Short of things like physical and emotional abuse it seems clear that improving the current relationship is the best option if possible – especially if kids are involved.

Commitment involves what you are putting into the relationship, and remaining as roommates isn’t healthy for anyone. So if you have emotionally disconnected you should either start actively working on the relationship or you should get out.

I believe in both love and marriage, and I don’t believe passion has to be lost. If it has been lost, I believe passion can be found again. Marriage can be wonderful, loving, fulfilling and passionate. It should be a place of personal and emotional safety. If yours isn’t, I don’t believe it’s ever too late to change that.

What is Passion?

The first thing to look at is passion. What exactly is it? When I think passion in a relationship, I think of sex (or at least the feelings that lead to sex). I think of people who can’t keep their hands off each other. People who are fumbling with each other’s clothes when they are barely through the door.

I’m sure most people have experienced that, however briefly, and it’s a great feeling. It’s also how passion is sold to us in romance novels and movies. But is that really what passion is?

Science has shown that the intense emotions of the early stage of a relationship are really hormone induced infatuation, and that this emotional intensity is unsustainable for longer than 6 months to 2 years (incidentally the average length of an affair – hmmmm).

Does that mean long term relationships are destined to be sterile and passionless? I don’t believe that to be the case at all. Quoting myself here:

Being passionate about something means REALLY enjoying it, and having strong positive feelings for it. You can be passionate about all sorts of things: cooking, traveling, a sports team, whatever. When people talk about passion in a relationship it’s the same thing. You are passionate about the other person. They are very important to you, and you care greatly for them. Seeing them happy is a source of happiness for you.

The hormone induced early passion may be destined to fade, but a healthier passion can and should stay in long term relationships. Unfortunately, that often fades too.

Loss of Passion

Why do we lose passion? Where does it go? There are all sorts of possible answers to this question, but for one of the big ones (in my opinion) I’ll turn to the movies. Have you ever seen the movie Analyze This? It’s a great film, with Robert DeNiro playing a mob boss who is going to see a counselor/psychologist (played by Billy Crystal). Here’s an exchange from the film:

AnalyzeThis

Crystal:  What happened with your wife last night?
De Niro: I wasn’t with my wife, I was with my girlfriend.
Crystal:  Are you having marriage problems?
De Niro: No.
Crystal:  Then why do you have a girlfriend?
De Niro: What, are you gonna start moralizing on me?
Crystal:  No, I’m not, I’m just trying to understand, why do you have a girlfriend?
De Niro: I do things with her I can’t do with my wife.
Crystal:  Why can’t you do them with your wife?
De Niro: Hey, that’s the mouth she kisses my kids goodnight with! What are you, crazy?

I thing this amusing exchange touches on something very important. I’ve talked about roles before, and how we have different aspects to our selves. In my view, our partners have at least three distinct roles that they need to play in our lives. They need to be friends, lovers and family.

In long term relationships, all of these roles need to be nurtured and maintained. Time and effort needs to be spent on being both friends and lovers. When that doesn’t happen, it’s easy to start seeing your partner only through the roles that you do maintain, and that’s when trouble begins.

This becomes especially pronounced when kids are introduced to the mix. I have kids, and I love them. They’re great, and I couldn’t possibly imagine my life without them. In theory kids act as a bonding agent for a couple. They are a product of their love for each other, and they bring the kids into the world together. Even couples who have split up will admit that in an ideal world they would have been able to raise the kids together.

But kids also require great sacrifice, and can put strain on the relationship. As awesome as they are, they are demanding little buggers in terms of time and energy. And time with them (or just as a family) is time not spent as a couple. It is very common for couples (usually the guy) to admit that they miss the time they used to have with their partner before kids.

Many women also lose themselves in being mothers. Add in hormonal and physical changes, and it can be difficult to find the energy required for being a couple. I’m a guy, so I won’t pretend to “get” this stuff. But I know that as as the kids get older it is common for women to have to find themselves again (there are a number of books written on this topic).

In the scene from the movie, De Niro’s character has lost sight of his wife as a lover. His view of “wife” has come to see her only as the mother of his kids. He may still see her as a friend, but he no longer sees her as a lover – he has stopped seeing her as desirable or sexual.

With or without kids, many couples fall into the trap of not making time and prioritizing each other as friends, and lovers. It may be not making time for each other, or taking each other for granted. Like anything else, if you don’t use it you run the risk of losing it, and over time this lack of focus on each other can lead to an emotional disconnect.

When someone says “I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore” this is likely what has happened. For whatever reason, not enough focus has been spent on being an “us”, and the end result is a breakdown of emotional connection. This happens to varying degrees ALL the time, with many couples.

How do you solve this? From what I can see, it is a puzzle many, MANY people wish they could solve. If I *knew* the answer to this I would likely be on the talk show circuit promoting my latest relationship book instead of writing this blog, but based on a variety of sources I do have some thoughts. Stay tuned for part 2.

2Dec2014

The Golden Rule

Posted in Communication, Communication Issues, Conflict, couples, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help, Relationships, Romance by zombiedrew2

I’ve long had an interest in interpersonal relationships, and I spend a fair bit of time thinking, reading and writing on the topic. Interpersonal relationships are simply our interactions with other people, and a big part of that is how we treat others.

Have you ever thought about how you treat others? For me, one of my guiding principles was the golden rule. The wording I was taught was “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. Over the years this has been simplified, with the current wording being:

Golden rule

Treat others the way you want to be treated is another way of saying “Be kind to people and don’t treat them like crap”. That seems obvious. No one enjoys being on the receiving end of outburst of anger, or someone being cruel. So if you don’t enjoy it, it stands to reason that you shouldn’t treat other people that way.

But this rule only really applies at a high level. “I like it when someone is kind to me, therefore I should be kind to others” is obvious. But “I like onions therefore I should give you onions and expect you to appreciate it” doesn’t really work. Unfortunately, that is often exactly what we do. We take this “rule” too far, and do things for others that we enjoy. And then find ourselves shocked or disappointed when our efforts aren’t received the way we would expect.

People are different. We have different personalities and different interests. So it shouldn’t be shocking that what we want and need from each other may be different. Instead of treating others the way we want to be treated, we need to start focusing on treating others the way THEY want to be treated.

Love Languages

lovelanguages

Recently I read the “The 5 Love Languages – The Secret to Love that Lasts” by Gary Chapman, and it touches on this very idea. It’s a fairly short book (around 150 pages), and definitely worth a read, but I’ll give you a bit of a synopsis.

A while back I talked about a marital satisfaction bank account, and how the good times in our relationships act as a buffer against the bad times, allowing us to persevere when times are hard.

Dr. Chapman has a similar concept, but he calls it a “love tank”. According to him we all have love tanks, and when our relationships are in a good place these tanks are largely full. Personally I like the idea of marital satisfaction bank accounts better, but he’s the one selling books so I guess I’ll stick with his concept for now (mine’s cooler though).

We all want to feel loved and we all want to feel valued, and through years of being a counselor he felt there are five different ways couples express love to each other.

The Five Love Languages

Dr. Chapman called these different approaches to expressing love “The Five Love Languages”. They are pretty self-explanatory, but a brief overview is as follows:

Words of affirmation. This is when someone is open about telling you how much they care, and appreciate you. It can even just saying “I love you”
Acts of service. This is taking on tasks, or doing things for the other person
Quality time. This is about being together, but being fully present and in the moment with each other. Watching TV together probably doesn’t count, but talking, going for walks together and just “being” with each other does.
Gifts. This is… umm… giving gifts. Gifts can be anything from a day pass at the spa to coming home with flowers
Physical affection. This encompasses everything from hugging and holding hands to sex.

Primary Languages

Looking at the 5 love languages it seems safe to say that they are all different ways to express love. All of them seem valuable, and I would even argue needed in a relationship. We all need to *know* that we are loved, we all need to feel it. If you don’t feel loved in your relationship, it can lead to doubts, and it can cause things to start to break down.

We are all different though. Some people need more expressions of love while others need less. Beyond that though, what Dr. Chapman identified is that we each have our own “Primary” love language.

In counseling many couples, he found that often the couples seemed to be doing the right things. But although they were, one or both of them weren’t happy. They may not have been unhappy, but their “love tanks” weren’t full. In talking with the people individually he found that for some people, one love language is much more important and has greater impact on them then the others.

This is where the problem of the Golden Rule comes in. We tend to treat others the way that we want to be treated, and that applies to our expressions of love. But what happens when your preferred expression of love doesn’t match your partners? Well, then you have a recipe for a couple who may truly love each other, but still not be very happy.

Ask yourself how you show love to your partner. Do they just *know* you love them? If so, how? Look through the love languages and figure out which ways you actively show your partner love. If you aren’t actively doing any of them, I’ll make a guess that your relationship could use some attention.

Identify Each Others Love Languages

Instead of treating others the way we want to be treated, we need to treat others the way THEY want to be treated. And that requires a bit of self discovery.

In order to fully embrace your relationship, you need to understand your own love language. Take a look at the list above, and figure out what the most important languages are for you. There may be more than one that stands out, and that’s fine. But whatever stands out to you is the way that you like to have love expressed to you, and the way that you feel the most valued.

If you are struggling with figuring out your love language, one clue may be areas of conflict between you and your partner. The books states:

People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need

Once you have identified your primary love language, think about times that you haven’t had it expressed to you and how it made you feel.

Have your spouse do this exercise too, and then share your love languages. Maybe you already know them, and you have been speaking to each other in the right languages. But maybe you haven’t.

Choosing Love

One question that is addressed in the book is “what if my partners love language is one that is not natural to me”?

I’ve talked a lot in the past about how long term love is a choice. Some people don’t like that idea because it doesn’t seem to fit how love is portrayed in pop culture. Love is usually portrayed as all hormones and emotion.

But choosing love? Somehow that seems cold, and calculated, and not very romantic at all. Maybe it’s just me, but I think choosing love can be very romantic.

It’s easy to be in love when things are going well, or when it “works for you”. But a relationship involves two people. If your primary love languages aren’t matches then taking actions that you know will be meaningful and have greater impact for your partner shows a deeper love and commitment than just doing the things that are more natural to you. And if your partner knows that those aren’t natural expressions of love for you? Chances are they will appreciate it even more.

Taking another quote from the book:

The object of love is not getting something you want, but doing something for the well-being of the one you love.

I still think the Golden Rule is a good guideline in life. But it’s just a starting point. We are all different, and we all have different needs. For the people who you are closest to, and especially for you partner you need to go deeper. You need to take the time to understand them and their needs, and treat them the way they want to be treated. By doing that you show that THEY matter, and that you value them.

Depending on your own love language it may be a stretch at first, but your relationship will likely be happier for it.

29Nov2014

Holding on to Hope

Posted in Happiness, Hope, Life, Love by zombiedrew2

It’s a little after 1am, and I’ve just returned from the movie Interstellar. I should be heading to sleep, but the movie really resonated with me so I feel a need to write.

Without spoiling anything, to me the movie was about hope, love and family. Central concepts that have carried me through my life, and especially through the past few years.

A while back someone close to me told me that they struggle with a sense of hopelessness. And earlier today one of my readers commented that things like affairs often start when people have lost hope for happiness in their relationships.

I truly can’t understand that. I’ve had my days when it’s hard to find the positive in situations, and when the future looks bleak. But it is always hope, and a belief that tomorrow is a new day where things can always get better that carries me through. Well, that and a healthy dose of stubbornness.

I can be overly analytical at times, but underneath that is a true belief in love. When I started writing it was to try and understand what causes relationships to break down, and why people end up drifting apart or living with unhappy relationships. I’ve identified and written about many common problems, but underneath I still truly don’t understand them.

I know that love isn’t always enough, but WHY isn’t it? Why does anger ever form and resentment build. Why can’t people just love each other? Why is it so hard to work on problems and come to happy solutions together. Why isn’t love enough?

Parents will always love their children unconditionally, and some people say that family will always be family. If that’s true, then why can’t we extend that same unconditional love to our chosen families – our partners.

Vows of marriage seem all too easily broken. But it should be so simple. If we believe in love and cherish one another, that should be enough to allow us to weather the toughest storms. I believe in love, and I always will. I also believe in hope.

The Christmas season is almost here. It is a time for families and a time for love. Earlier this evening I put up the tree with my family, and it was beautiful. Everyone working together and contributing to a common cause, and after we were finished a few peaceful moments when we sat one the couch together with the house being illuminated by only the lights of the tree.

Family is so important, and love is so important. How do we ever let things get in the way? Take time to tell the people closest to you that you love them, and always hold onto Hope.

No matter how dark things may seem, remember that tomorrow is always a new day.

Hope

28Nov2014

Can Guys and Girls “Just be Friends”?

Posted in Affairs, couples, Happiness, Individuality, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Sex by zombiedrew2

justfriends

A buddy of mine (who happens to be married) recently came across an old girlfriend, and they ended up going for lunch and catching up on each other’s lives. He mentioned this to me because they ended up exchanging numbers and talked about getting together again, and he wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. Especially because he enjoyed seeing her, and it brought back happy memories of the times they shared.

For anyone who’s a regular reader on thezombieshuffle.com, I’m pretty sure you can guess my advice. Umm, did I mention that he’s married? Yeah, he is. From talking to people, and reading assorted relationship books and blogs I know his situation is far from unique. I’ve touched on thoughts on straying when your relationship is in a rut and on affairs before. But I thought this story provided me with an opportunity to provide a slightly different twist on things.

Radio Story

I commonly listen to the radio on the ride in to work, and for the morning show they have both a male and a female host. A number of months back they had a discussion on whether or not guys and girls can ever be “just friends”. Their perspectives weren’t surprising.

The girl said yes, of course, and she cited a number of people she knew who had platonic guy friends. The guy had a different take on things. He said no, not a chance. Guys and girls can be friends, but in most cases the guy is looking for more. And the guy is probably actively thinking/imaging the girl in, shall we say, less platonic situations. His opinion was that the guy is content to be just friends, but if the girl were to “open the door” for things to go further, then the guy would be more than happy to comply.

As a guy, I have to agree with his perspective. I’m not sure if women are just naive about this or if they are just wired differently. But in most circumstances the guy would be more than happy to move beyond the friend zone. I’m not suggesting this applies in all cases. I have a handful of female friends who remain friends. But I also recognize that my female friends are definitely different from my male friends, making the nature of the relationship different.

So can guys and girls ever be “just friends”. My belief is sure, they can be. But it depends on both their history and their present. What I mean by this is that although it is possible, it depends on their shared history. If they have been more than friends in the past, then it changes things considerably. It’s still *possible*, but old feelings will always be there. This is where the present is also relevant. If neither of you are in a relationship then there should be no issues. If one or both of you are? That changes things.

Digging up the Past

A while back I read an article talking about how social media and cell phones has changed the way affairs happen, and it has also caused a rise of broken relationships due to “exes”. Sadly I didn’t bookmark it, but it was a great article.

If you were in a relationship with someone in the past, then no matter how it ended there were good times. It’s normal to sometimes think about exes. Maybe there’s something that reminds you of them, a song, or a sight, and memories that were forgotten come rushing back. Those memories may make you think about them, and wonder how they are doing and where their life has taken them. The social media world has made it easy to take things beyond just memories, and to actively reach out and see how the other person is doing. That’s something I strongly caution against. It’s best if exes remain exes, and remain in the past.

If you are in a relationship, friendships with members of the opposite sex come with a number of potential risks. But adding exes to the mix? That’s a recipe for disaster. It’s one thing to wonder about how someone is doing, but if you are actively looking them up you have to ask yourself what you hope to accomplish. Especially if you are doing it at a time that your own relationship is in need of some attention.

When Does an Affair Become an Affair?

One common misconception people have is about what an affair actually is. Commonly people believe that affairs are only happening with sex is involved. But that is completely untrue. Relationships rarely start with sex. Heck, some couples still buy into the notion that they want to wait until they are married for sex (a dying breed, but it still happens). Relationships are built on connection, and emotion. The physical side simply comes out of that.

What people often think of as affairs is really the physical side, but any emotional connection is just as much of an affair. I found the following on this site, and it sums is up well:

It starts very innocently. Very slowly they get to know each other. It’s often an emotional affair to begin with. Maybe they have long conversations, whatever.
However it happens, eventually they realize that they’ve crossed some sort of line. But they realize it after they’ve crossed it. And it feels wonderful because it was a line they were hungry to cross. But it also feels terrible because they know it’s cheating, and they know they never wanted to be a cheater. But it keeps going.

Crossing the Line

So where does crossing the line start? Where does a friendship start to develop into something more? It starts with flirting. Wikipedia refers to flirting as:

Speaking and behaving in a way that suggests a mildly greater intimacy than the actual relationship between the parties would justify, though within the rules of social etiquette, which generally disapproves of a direct expression of sexual interest. This may be accomplished by communicating a sense of playfulness or irony

Some people are flirts, but if you are already in a relationship flirting is a dangerous game. And you have to ask yourself, what is the purpose of the flirting? Is it to seek attention? To feel beautiful and wanted? To make yourself feel better about yourself? Perhaps the biggest question is, are you flirting when your partner is not around in a way that you would not when they are?

People know when they are doing something wrong. So if you are behaving differently when your partner is not around you are essentially defining your flirting as unacceptable to the partnership.

This is where I disagree with the notion that people don’t realize it until after they’ve crossed the line. They knew all along that they were doing something wrong. They may have set lines that they believed they wouldn’t cross. The problem was, they set those lines incorrectly. Instead of setting the line at kissing or sex, it should have been set at other things. It should have been set as soon as you were doing something that you felt you needed to hide.

textingcheating

Emotional Affairs

There are all sorts of great articles on emotional affairs, but here are a few signs that your relationship has crossed the line:

You share frustrations about your marriage or relationship with the other person
Your flirting is starting to get more aggressive and intense
You are arranging to meet the other person for things like coffee and lunch, but you neglect to tell your partner about this
You are thinking about and contacting the other person at unusual times – early mornings and late at night

If you are doing any of the above, you may still be telling yourself that it’s innocent, but in your heart you know that you are lying. It may or may not have become physical, but guess what, it’s still an affair. And if you don’t actively stop it, you run the risk of it getting more serious.

cheating8

What to do?

I opened with talking about my buddies lunch meeting. The fact that he was asking my opinion tells me that he already knew the answer to his own question. Affairs don’t just happen, they are a result of choices. If you want to stay faithful to your partner the best thing you can do is not put yourself in a situation that can result in an affair.

One thing about affairs is that happy people don’t cheat. Chances are, if you are thinking about other people then there is something missing in your relationship. In my buddy’s case, he’ll be the first to acknowledge that his marriage is “in a rut”. Being in an unhappy situation makes you more likely to look for happiness elsewhere.

Thing is, affairs are the easy way, and I would even suggest the cowards way out. If your relationship is in a bad spot, look inwards and see what you can do to repair it. Make it your priority and work together with your partner to see if you can repair things. If you find you can’t, accept that your relationship has ended and go your separate ways first.

But acknowledge the fact that you can’t actively work on your relationship if your mind is partially with someone else. You NEED to cut that other person out of your life completely if you expect to have any hope of addressing the issues in your relationship. Unfortunately many people believe they won’t be caught, so they try to have the best of both worlds.

One of my sons occasionally will do naughty things, and sometimes when I ask him to stop he tells me “I don’t want to, it’s fun”. He knows it’s wrong, but he does it anyhow because he enjoys it. That is a self absorbed approach to the world, and shows no respect for the rest of the family. He’s 8 though, an age where the world seems focused just on you. If you are still doing that as an adult there’s a word for it – narcissism. If you are in a relationship it’s supposed to be built on trust, and respect. As soon as you cross those lines and start hiding things from your partner, all you are doing is showing you are not worthy of the trust they have given you. It may start small, but soon you are juggling two lives, and your pursuit of your own “happiness” is liable to hurt everyone around you.

People-Say-You-Dont-Know-What-Youve-Got-Till-Its-Gone

12Nov2014

What Does a “Real Person” Look Like?

Posted in Beauty, Happiness, Identity, Individuality, Lifestyle, Love by zombiedrew2

barbie-proportions

If you’re a regular at thezombieshuffle, you know that I’m a big proponent of accepting yourself for who you are, while always striving for self-improvement. At first glance those two concepts may seem contradictory. If you accept yourself for who you are why should you strive to be something more? Rather than being contradictory, I see them as complementary.

By accepting yourself, I mean that it’s important to truly be able to love yourself for who you are, as you are. The person you are today may not be perfect, but you are “enough”. This doesn’t however mean you can’t improve, and strive to be something more. And in fact I think we should always strive to improve ourselves in all aspects of life. Saying you are enough simply means you are measuring your self-worth against who you actually are, instead of some ideal of who you believe you should be. It’s saying I don’t NEED to be more to be worthy of love and acceptance by myself and others. I am worthy of love and acceptance as I am right now.

Body Image

In order to accept yourself for who you are you need to be able to accept all of yourself for who you are. But when we look in the mirror, we don’t see our hearts and souls – we see our bodies. Think of our bodies, and our ideas of beauty for a moment.

People magazine has an annual “sexiest man alive” issue. Over the past few years the winners were Adam Levine, Channing Tatum, Bradley Cooper, Ryan Renolds, Johnny Depp, Hugh Jackman, Matt Damon and George Clooney. In 1989 it was Sean Connery, who was 60 at the time. That list has considerable diversity among both age and body type.

Now look at the equivalent for women. Esquire has a “sexiest woman alive” list, and over the past few years they have Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis, Rihanna, Minka Kelly, Kate Beckinsale, Halle Berry and Charlize Theron. The women all seem to be between their early 20’s and early 30’s, and they all share a similar body type. The cover photos of the women are much more sexualized, with greater focus on their… shall we say “physical attributes”. The mold women need to fit to meet the standard of beauty seems very rigid. Let’s face it, you sure don’t see any 60 year old women on that list. Why not? Why is age fine for men, but not for women?

In most movies or TV shows, if there is a female character that is supposed to be “ugly” they are always someone who is beautiful by most standards. They just have less makeup, or are dressed in frumpy or quirky clothes.
If you think about age, in movies it is so common to see an older male protagonist with a much younger woman that you don’t really notice it. But if an older woman is with a younger man then it’s likely some sort of plot device. Older men are seen as “distinguished”, while older women are just seen as old.

Seeing all this, I have to admit sometimes I’m really glad I am a guy. I can only image how hard it is for a woman to constantly be bombarded with this sort of media imaging of what is beautiful, and how it must impact their self image.

You are More Beautiful Than You Think

A few years back, Dove had an ad campaign that touched on body image issues for women. In one ad women sat down with a police forensic artist who couldn’t see them, and he drew them based on how they described themselves.

Afterwards the women left and a second drawing of the person was done based on the descriptions provided by a person who had met them in the lobby.

The women tended to be critical of themselves, while the person who had met them in the lobby was more inclined to be positive in their descriptions of the woman. As shown the in commercial, the second drawing depicted the woman in a more flattering light (and also seemed more accurate). At the end of the ad, after seeing the two different pictures of her one woman noted:

We spend a lot of time as women analyzing and trying to fix the things that aren’t quite right, and we should spend more time appreciating the things we do like.

Body Transformation

Thinking of this unrealistic standard of beauty and negative body image reminds me of a mini controversy that erupted on social media a while back. An extremely fit mother of three posted a photo of herself in workout gear with her children, and a heading at the top that said “What’s your excuse?”

When it happened there was an outcry of people who felt that her image was an example of body shaming, and people saying that she didn’t represent what “real people” look like. Things took a nasty turn as photos of obese people started circulating social media in response with headings like “Is this what a real person looks like?”

It ended up making national news, and there was an ABC News interview where she said:

No matter how many children you have, especially when you’re working and trying to maintain your shape, you don’t have to lose yourself in becoming a mother. You can still maintain a sense of self physically and professionally. If I can do it, you can do it.

I think that instead of using “What’s your excuse” she probably should have used something like “You can do it too”. But part of me agrees with her. You CAN do it. Heck, I can do it too (though I may look somewhat ridiculous in a sports bra). You own your life, and make your own decisions. If you want changes in your life, the only way to do it is by taking ownership and making changes on your own.

So yes, you can get in great shape. But guess what? It requires work, time, and effort. And you have to ask yourself, what do you have to give up? What are your priorities?

What Do You Want?

If you want to get into better shape, stop and ask yourself WHY you want to get into better shape. What do you hope to accomplish? Be introspective and honest here. Are you trying to fit an arbitrary mold of beauty?

If so, let me give you perhaps a different perspective on body image. A buddy of mine plays competitive volleyball, and to keep playing as he has aged, he had a workout routine tailored to his needs. He made a comment to me that made a lot of sense. He said it was more important that he had functional muscles for what he wanted to do with his life than it was to have the sort of muscles that would attract attention in a bar.

We aren’t all competitive athletes, but the same idea applies. Instead of comparing yourself to fashion models and movie stars, ask yourself what are the things you enjoy doing? Travelling? Swimming? Bike riding? Softball? Keeping up with your children? Going for walks in the park? Are you able to do the things that you enjoy, or does your body and your physical conditioning hamper your ability to do these things? I think THAT should be the most important thing. Not trying to fit the mold of what society says is beautiful.

There are health risks associated with being overweight, so from a health perspective alone it is important to take care of yourself. But how your body “looks” isn’t necessarily an indicator of the sort of shape you are in. I’ve seen people with heavier builds power through high intensity aerobic classes while thinner and more “fit looking” people struggled to keep up.

Accepting yourself

Going back to what I said at the beginning, we all need to accept ourselves for who we are. That doesn’t mean giving up, or saying that I can’t get “better”. But we shouldn’t measure ourselves against the current standard of beauty. It’s also important to remember that your beauty starts from the inside, not the outside. There are many men and women whose outward appearance may be beautiful, while inside they are anything but.

Although we all do this, it’s best not to compare ourselves to others. There are different body types out there, and that’s fine. I won’t pretend to speak for all guys, but based on a sample of myself and a sizable group of male friends, I have to tell you ladies there isn’t a single mold of what is beautiful. People are all different, and just as our personalities are different so are the characteristics that we find attractive. Instead of trying to be someone else, strive to be the best “you” that you can be.

So what does a real person look like? You see them every day. Your neighbor, your best friend, your co-worker, and most of all you. We are all real people.

7Nov2014

Dealing with Conflict

Posted in Communication, Communication Issues, Conflict, couples, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help, Relationships by zombiedrew2

tugofwar

Conflict. The very term can trigger somewhat of an anxiety response. So what exactly is it? When I look up a definition of conflict I see terms like the following:

Serious disagreement, clash, fight, battle, struggle, collision and incompatibility.

Wow, no wonder the thought of conflict can make us anxious – all those words make it seem antagonistic! But is that really what conflict is?

I think conflict in personal relationships simply means two people disagree on something. It may not even be a disagreement, and rather is one or both people feeling as though they are not being heard.

One thing about people is that we aren’t the same. In any interpersonal relationship there are different personalities and differences of opinion, and as a result we WILL have conflict. Why is this bad? It’s a natural part of interpersonal relationships, so why do we hide it and have a hard time dealing with it?

We have a hard time dealing with conflict because we have this notion that it is a bad thing, and because of that we don’t have positive ways of dealing with it.

Ask yourself truthfully, how do you deal with conflict and how did you learn the approach you take? It is one of the most important skills that we can have, but dealing with conflict also happens to be one of the things we do the worst job of. In fact many of us never develop the skills needed for dealing with conflict.

I’m pretty sure there are conflict resolution classes, but those are likely attended by people like negotiators and human resources managers (I’m guessing here, as I’m neither). Shouldn’t dealing with conflict be a fundamental skill? We all deal with it continually in our lives, so why don’t we learn it? Why isn’t it a part of the curriculum, right up there with Math and English?

Conflict Avoidance

One approach I’ve seen to conflict is avoiding it altogether. I suspect this stems from the belief that conflict is an indicator of problems, which is perceived as a bad thing. For perfectionists problems aren’t acceptable as they violate that perfection. Maintaining an outward appearance of perfection is important, so problems are ignored. After all, we ALL know that if you pretend that something isn’t there eventually it will just go away (that was sarcasm by the way, just in case you weren’t clear).

There are all sorts of issues with this approach. First, nothing is perfect. Problems will arise, but this is actually positive as they are how we learn and grow. By denying the existence of problems in your relationship you are actually stunting its growth. Getting issues out in the open and dealing with them is what allows you to improve and your relationships to thrive.

Additionally, if you hold everything in you don’t have a release valve. If you continually brush things under the carpet pretending they aren’t there, eventually that carpet gets really bumpy and it gets hard to even walk on. If things are never addressed, this becomes the perfect recipe for resentment (which is up there with jealousy as one of the most corrosive emotions to a relationship).

The Need to Win

On the opposite end of the spectrum are people who seem to enjoy conflict and see it as a competition or a battle of wills. For these people there is a need to “win”, and conflict becomes a power struggle that is more about dominance and control than the issue at hand. There’s one big problem with winning though. If you always need to win, in the long term you are going to lose.

Every relationship has a more dominant personality, and that personality tends to be the one who drive things. But there needs to be some balance. The less dominant person needs to feel engaged and feel like they are part of the team. They need to know they are being heard and their opinions are valued. If that doesn’t happen? Guess what, you’ve got another breeding ground for resentment – yay!!! The constant need to be right and control will end up driving the other person away.

Finding a Balance

Both avoidance and dominance are really about control, and both are equally damaging to relationships. To approach conflict in a healthy way you need to find some balance between these approaches. It’s difficult to say exactly what that balance should look like, and I find most people tend to lean one way or another.

Personally I lean towards avoidance. I tell myself that I just pick my battles and that I will fight for the things I really believe in. And that’s true. But I also I don’t do conflict very well. The good thing is I realize that, and know that it’s something I need to work on.

In his book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Dr. John Gottman states that the frequency with which people fight doesn’t say anything about their chances at marital success. What important is *how* they fight. So there must be better and worse ways of dealing conflict.

Finding A Better Way

In university I took Philosophy classes. A big part of Philosophy was trying to look at things logically, and objectively. We would look at different topics, often emotionally charged ones like abortion and the existence of God; and we would have to put our own feelings aside in order to present logical arguments both for and against something. It was a ton of fun, and really – who doesn’t love Epistemology?

I think the approach of trying to look at things analytically is positive (in most cases) and puts you in the best position to make decisions. There’s just one problem though…

We aren’t robots, and we do have emotions. And sometimes those emotions can override everything.

Emotional Flooding

Have you ever heard of emotional flooding? Here’s a description of it (from this site) in the context of conflict in a relationship:

Emotional flooding is the term given to the feelings of one partner who are so overwhelmed by their partner’s perceived negativity and their own reaction to it that they become swamped by dreadful and intense feelings.

Any person who is engaged in and experiencing emotional flooding cannot hear without distortion or respond with clarity in a dispassionate way. They find it hard to organize their thinking and they instead fall back on primitive reactions. They just want things to stop, or want to run or, sometimes, to strike back. They react and do not relate.

I think we have all experienced this feeling at one time or another, but it becomes a major issue when it happens with regularity. For many anxiety sufferers this sort of emotional flooding is a part of everyday life.

If someone is experiencing emotional flooding any sort of rational attempts at dealing with conflict are gone, and you run the risk of having things escalate. Because of this it is important to recognize when this is happening, as there is no point continuing a discussion.

Conflict Agreements

A few weeks back I attended a conference and went to a workshop on team building. One of the ideas presented was that many successful teams have formalized rules for handling conflict. I think this idea of a “conflict agreement” makes sense in any frequent interpersonal relationships (such as the one with your partner). The idea is that you come up with an agreed upon approach for handling conflict together.

For example, you may agree that you will always get all issues out in the open, but acknowledge that if things are escalating either of you can say something like “I know we need to discuss this, but I’m having a hard time dealing with this right now. Let’s stop here and pick this up later”. The key to making this work is that you have to have some rules about what “later” means. I recommend that you agree to pick things up in a few hours if possible, and never let anything go for more than 24 hours.

When approaching any sort of issues, remember to focus on the point. Your goal should be to get issues out in the open to try to improve mutual understanding and ensuring that you are heard. It is important to not make things personal and to be conscious of “how” you approach conflict.

I can’t speak for all relationships, but I suspect people will be more receptive to something like “when you did X, it made me feel Y” than “you are an inconsiderate jerk”. When John Gottman talked about “how” people fight, a big part of it was softening your approach and de-escalating. There is a significant difference between constructive criticism and plain old complaining.

When you are the person on the receiving end, remember that this isn’t (or shouldn’t be) an attack on you personally. It’s very easy to hear “you did something wrong” and interpret it as “you are a bad person”. Remember, it may have been hard enough for someone to raise an issue with you. Try not to perceive it as an attack, and instead treat conflict as an opportunity to learn and improve.

Continuous Improvement

Dealing with conflict is a skill like any other. It can be developed and improved over time, with practice. And guess what – you’re going to have plenty of opportunities to practice. If you claim that you don’t have conflict in your interpersonal relationships, there’s a pretty good chance you have a really lumpy carpet.

We need to stop thinking of conflict as a negative, and instead view it as a way of improving mutual understanding. When dealing with conflict remember the point. Think of what really matters and check your ego at the door. Be willing to compromise, and don’t keep score. And lastly, be willing to apologize and admit when you are wrong (guys, I know that last part can be hard).

The more you can improve your communication skills and deal with conflict in a positive manner, the healthier you relationships will be.

28Oct2014

Relationships and Possession

Posted in Communication, Communication Issues, couples, Happiness, Love, Relationship Help, Relationships by zombiedrew2

possessiveness

I read a fair number of relationship articles and blogs, and one thing that I see again and again is that women don’t like it when men become possessive. Um, yeah. That seems like it should be fairly obvious (women do this too, but men seem to be bigger jerks about it).

The word possession implies ownership, and no one likes to think of themselves as property. Plus when you hear stories about it, they are commonly accompanied by stories of someone trying to control the other person. That seems like bad news all around.

Then I got thinking, don’t we all kind of think of our partners as “ours”? We don’t necessarily think of them as our property, but think of some of the things you’ll see on cards:

ImYoursYourMine

I’m yours? You’re mine? Those terms are actually kind of creepy when you think about it. We use them as terms of endearment, and they need to go both ways. But it does seem like there’s a degree of ownership there.

Are Relationships Possessive?

So are committed relationships inherently possessive? I don’t think so. I believe they are built on commitment and trust (which go hand in hand). But this commitment and trust NEEDS to be mutual. For you to truly commit to someone you have to believe you can trust them, and you must also believe they are committed to you.

Fear

Have you ever thought about fear? Fear is largely a learned emotion. There are instances where fear is believed to be innate and related to perception (there’s a classic study with babies and “visual cliffs” that you can read about here). But by and large fear is a defense mechanism that develops when we experience things that we come to recognize as threats.

As we learn that things are threats, these threats elicit the fear response, accompanied by physiological changes such as increased heart rate, breathing and potentially shortness of breath. Here’s a Wikipedia link to it if you want to learn more (it’s pretty fascinating stuff when you think about it).

So fear is a good thing. It’s a rational response to a perceived threat, and is one of nature’s built in ways of protecting us.

Anxiety

Fear is rational, however it can also become irrational. When this happens it moves into the realm of phobias and anxiety. Everyone has their own phobias (spiders creep me out). Anxiety is more subversive though, because it is like the fear of fear. It’s irrational, but seems very rational to the person experiencing it.

I have plans to write more on Anxiety in the future, but for now I’ll just steal a somewhat amusing description from a book I read on it (paraphrasing as I don’t have the book handy).

Imagine you are on an African safari, and you are sleeping in a tent on the savannah. You hear a noise and wake up and you suddenly worry that it may be a lion, and you may be eaten by a lion. That is fear.

Now imagine you are sitting at a bar in New York. You hope to one day go on an African safari, and suddenly you find yourself experiencing the physiological fear responses because you believe that if you go you may be eaten by a lion. That is anxiety.

Anxiety is more complex than that and I don’t mean to downplay the seriousness of it. But generally anxiety is an irrational response to perceived threat, situation or even future situation.

Perceived Threat

Alright, so you may be wondering what the heck all of this has to do with relationships, commitment and possessiveness.

If you are in a truly loving, committed relationship with another person, then you are in a position of mutual trust and respect. When your partner is out you don’t even think about it as you trust them implicitly.

Fear is learned though, so if you have been hurt or betrayed by someone close to you before then it is a natural defense mechanism for you to experience fear if you perceive a threat to the relationship through your partners actions or behaviors.

When people start to feel threatened in relationships it can cause them to either pull away, or start to hold on too tight. Jealousy is fear that you are losing the relationship to someone else, and it can turn into control and possessiveness as someone is trying to hold on and try to regain some control over the relationship they feel they are losing.

Rational and Irrational Fear

When it is based on tangible evidence, Jealousy can be a rational fear response. There are all sorts of warning signs when a relationship has taken a negative turn, and you can usually “feel” the shift. You know something has changed. Counselors will often tell you to trust your instincts on these things, and that if you feel something is wrong you are probably right.

But what if it’s really an irrational fear response? People who are insecure or who have been hurt in the past are more likely to experience this. They are more likely to be hyper vigilant for any sign of threat to the relationship, and run the risk of perceiving threat when it’s not actually there.

Love and Trust

Jealousy can be a normal reaction to things, and I believe even the most emotionally secure of us have felt it at one point in time or another. But whether it’s rational or not, jealousy is still very corrosive to a relationship.

Relationships aren’t based on possession and control They are based on commitment and trust, and jealousy involves a breakdown of these. This is one of the many reasons communication is so important in relationships.

We all will do things to hurt our partners from time to time (hopefully inadvertently). But it’s important that we don’t let things fester and grow. We all have our own insecurities, and being honest and upfront about those insecurities is important. Get issues out in the open. If your partner understands the ways you have been hurt in the past then they may be more conscious of things that could be seen as threats by you.

One of the dangers of being hurt is that it can cause us to build up walls to “protect ourselves” from being hurt again. But those very walls that we build up are also likely to be the things that push people away from us. To truly love, you need to let those walls come down. It’s not easy, but you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable to being hurt again.

And you may be. Life has no guarantees. You may be hurt again, and love may break down. But possessive behavior won’t help anything. The simple fact is, you can’t control someone else and you can’t make them love you. The only one you have control over is yourself. There’s a line from a U2 song that says:

You can hold onto something so tight, you’ve already lost it

Being possessive and trying to control won’t help anything; it will just push someone further away. Try to operate from trust instead of fear. If you believe someone is violating that trust then communicate. It may just have been your own insecurities and irrational fear. And if it was a legitimate breach of trust, it may be a situation you are better off getting out of.

23Oct2014

The Pursuit of Happiness

Posted in Happiness, Identity, Individuality, Life, Relationships by zombiedrew2

happiness

Are you happy? We all want to be happy, and we are all deserving of happiness.

Previously I’ve touched on what I believe happiness is. Unfortunately, happiness is not like a switch, where you are either happy or you aren’t. It’s more like a sliding scale where you can fall anywhere on the spectrum between happiness and unhappiness. But it’s complicated further because there are different areas in your life where you can be happy, and chances are good that you land on different spots in the “happiness spectrum” in each of those areas.

Think of some of the main areas of your life. I’m guessing most of us break our lives down into something like the following:

Committed relationship (spouse or partner)
Immediate families (parents, siblings, children, grandchildren)
Extended families
Social Networks (friends and acquaintances)
Jobs
Personal interests/hobbies
Additional organizations/memberships

Those are the first things that came to my mind, and you can add and subtract from that list in whatever way best applies to you. If you think of all the different roles that you play, you can have a different level of happiness in each of them. For example, you may not be happy in your job (which will affect your overall level of happiness), but still consider yourself happy.

Looking at the different roles that you play, how can you really measure happiness? If you are largely happy, or at least content, then it’s probably not something you even think about as it’s just a natural state.

The Search for Happiness

If you characterize yourself as an unhappy person, it seems obvious that you need to do something about it.

FindingHappiness

It’s clear that you need to change something. But what should you change? It’s probably best to try changing the “small” things first. Maybe take up a new hobby, or join a club or a team. If there are people in your life that are bringing you down, try talking to them about it, and if that doesn’t work spend less time with them. The same applies to family.

But what if it’s something bigger, like your job or your relationship with your partner/spouse? If you aren’t happy in your job, you can (and perhaps should) change your job. If it’s your relationships, then there are some bigger questions to answer. A few posts back I talked about questioning your relationship, so I won’t go over that again (in summary you either communicate and try to work on things or you move on).

One problem is that people who are in search of happiness often don’t know how to go about trying to achieve it. To make matters worse, they often go about searching for it in the wrong way.

There are countless cautionary tales of people who have embarked on self destructive behaviors, or made questionable life choices in the pursuit of happiness. In the search of happiness people often start engaging in activities either to make them “feel good” or to mask the pain of the unhappiness they feel.

Things like shopping, comfort eating, gambling or sex become outlets that give them a bit of a high. People may also turn to an actual high through drugs and alcohol. A more recent trend is turning to social media, and measuring happiness by the number of friends, likes, or complimentary remarks to posts.

Unfortunately these things are only temporary fixes, ways of numbing the pain and emptiness that they are feeling inside. They are like putting a band-aid on a gaping wound. And guess what? In most circumstances these people don’t actually end up any happier.

Happiness comes from within

One of the most difficult things about the search for happiness is that there is no magic pill; and you can’t “find it”. All the money and fame in the world can’t make someone happy. Just think of all the rich and famous people who make the news for things like addictions, behavioral issues or even suicide. Nothing can “make you happy”, you have to find it within yourself.

One problem with the pursuit of happiness is that I believe people aren’t actually pursuing happiness. They are really looking for meaning and fulfillment. There is a correlation between happiness and meaning, as people who find meaning in their lives generally are people who would describe themselves as happy (or at least leaning towards happiness on the happiness spectrum).

Ideally you find meaning in all aspects of your life – your committed relationship, your family, your social networks, job, and your personal interests. The reality is, very few people have a job that they love. Hopefully you find some fulfillment in your job, but many people find themselves in jobs that they don’t like, and they stay due to complacency and/or a need to pay the bills. Sometimes it’s worth taking a pay cut to find something more fulfilling, but if you have dependents then it’s easy to feel “stuck” in your job.

If you aren’t happy in one aspect of life (such as your job) it becomes especially important to find meaning in other areas. One of the most common areas that people neglect is their personal interests, and self nurturing. We all have talents and interests and it is important to take some time out for ourselves to nurture these. Often this involves engaging your creative side, such as music, art, writing, crafts, mechanical “tinkering” or cooking. It could also be things like volunteering, joining a sports team, or taking up some sort of regular activity.

I read somewhere that taking me time is necessary, as it provides the space needed to allow your relationships to flourish and grow. Without it you unfairly put all of your needs on your partner, and that holds them to a standard that they will never be able to meet.

That’s true, but there are different types of me time, and it is important that you choose things that provide meaning and help “feed your soul”. Taking time to watch your favorite TV show is great, and we all do it. But it doesn’t exactly provide the sort of fulfillment that will improve your happiness. Doing things to improve yourself is one of the best ways to provide meaning, and help build happiness from within.

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Appreciation

In the workplace, employers have found that salary increases are ineffective tools for employee retention. Similar to drugs and alcohol from above, the effects are short lived. When someone gets a raise, they have an initial moment of excitement at the increased pay. But after a few pay periods that new pay becomes their norm. Unfortunately it is human nature to take the things we have for granted, and we do this in all aspects of our lives.

I live in Canada, and Canada is often cited as one of the best countries in the world by various measures. Wikipedia states that it “ranks among the highest in international measurements of government transparency, civil liberties, quality of life, economic freedom, and education, and stands among the world’s most educated countries”. Sounds great right? And it is. But it’s also been my home for my whole life so it is my norm, and as a result I often don’t appreciate it for what it is.

When I finished university I went on a trip to Vietnam, and I stayed with a family in Ho Chi Mihn city (the locals still call it Saigon) for a month. It was an incredible experience and it was the first time I had ever left North America. There were good and bad moments on the trip, but they were all new experiences and I loved every minute of my trip. Well, maybe not every minute. Getting into an argument with a customs agent because I refused to pay a bribe and almost missing my flight home wasn’t so great. But that’s a whole other story.

One of the most important things about my trip was that when I returned it gave me a different point of reference and allowed me to see Canada in a different light. It allowed me to truly appreciate my home in a way that I never would have had I not gone on the trip.

Another moment that made me appreciate things in a different way was an early experience as a new dad with my son. I’ll never forget the first time I took him for a walk in the neighborhood. He had just turned one, and was still a little unsteady on his feet. It was summer, and it was his first time exploring the outside world. Everything was new to him and we had to stop everywhere. He’s ten now, but I can still picture the sheer joy on his face as he touched and played with grass, felt the texture of the bark on trees and watched ants walking down the sidewalk. I picked some up and let them walk on his arms (which was cute, until he tried to eat them). He even explored the cracks in the concrete of the sidewalk. It took us almost an hour to make it two houses down, but it was a beautiful magical hour.

I looked at the yard and I saw grass that needed to be cut and weeds that needed to be pulled. Looking at the sidewalk I saw the cracks as flaws, signs that the concrete would need to be repaired or replaced. My son saw those things, and I won’t pretend to know what was going through his head (he was one). But from his expressions, it was wonderment. For him the world was shiny and new, and experiencing it with him allowed me to see the world that way again. I had forgotten the beauty that we have all around us, and stopped seeing it. All I saw were the flaws and the work that needed to be done. That day my little man taught me a lesson I have tried hard not to forget.

Relationships and Appreciation

As we age we lose that innocence and we fail to appreciate the little things in life. We have all this beauty and wonder around us all the time. We have people who love us. And we don’t even see it or appreciate it. We take for granted what we have.

We stop to see the good because it has been right in front of us for so long that is has become our norm. Once that has become our norm, we don’t appreciate it and instead we see the problems and the flaws.

If you talk to counselors or look at relationship books, one of the most commonly prescribed things is to try to focus on the positive. They will tell you to do things like make lists of the positives in a situation or a relationship and remind yourself of them.

This is all about looking at what you have and trying to appreciate it again. Rather than focusing on the positive I think it’s more accurate to say that this is trying to find again the positive that we have taken for granted over time.

I generally focus on relationships, but I believe this applies to all aspects of your life. Chances are there is a lot of good that you simply have lost the ability to see.

Finding Inner Peace

People do deserve to be happy, and by no means am I suggesting that people should stay in relationships or jobs that make them unhappy. People should be free to pursue interest that make them happy, and be around friends that bring them joy.

But sometimes we have simply lost the ability to see what has been around us the whole time. Sometimes instead of seeing the good all we are seeing is the cracks, and the flaws.

Change can be very positive. But sometimes it can’t be undone. If you are unhappy and looking to make changes in your life, first look at the things you have in your life and try to see them in with new eyes. Try to appreciate the good and the wonder in the things in your life. Try to see the world through the eyes of a child again.

If you are a parent, think back to the wonder your children showed as they first explored the world. If you aren’t a parent then find a kid between one and two that you can borrow for a while. Just make sure you get permission first (local law enforcement tends to frown upon it if you don’t).

If you can’t do that, just go out on your own and slow down. Take your time to look at things again for the first time. Feel the texture of the grass, and the bark of the trees. Don’t eat the bugs though, because that’s pretty gross.

You won’t necessarily “find” happiness, but you can try to take pleasure in the little things in life and try to let happiness in again.

16Oct2014

Setting Goals

Posted in Communication, couples, Happiness, Identity, Life, Love, Relationship Help, Relationships by zombiedrew2

Goals

Have you ever seen the Pixar movie Up? It’s a great movie and in my opinion it was the last of the great Pixar films. Seriously, if you love movies look at the films Pixar released prior to that. Monsters Inc, Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, Cars, Ratatouille and WALL-E. These weren’t just “kids movies”. Sure they had cute colorful characters and funny moments; but they also dealt with serious topics and had a lot of heart.

Even from Pixar Up was unique. It was about an old man who is stubbornly holding on to his house, his last connection to a wife who died years ago. When he’s about to be evicted and sent to a seniors home he embarks on the adventure he had always dreamed of.

The opening sequence of the movie really stands out for me. In it you see two children meet due to a shared love of adventure. They fall in love, get married and start a life together with the dreams of the trip they will take. But “life” keeps getting in the way, and find that they are never able to achieve their dream together. I’ve seen Up a few times now, and that opening sequence still makes me cry like a baby. Laugh if you want, I don’t care. I’m secure in who I am. You can check out most of the opening sequence here. If that doesn’t move you in some way then sorry, you’re either a robot or an alien.

Part of the reason Up resonated with me is because of my own grandfather, and my memories of the last time I saw him. That night we sat in his kitchen talking about all sorts of things, and the topic of traveling came up. My grandfather was a very religious man, and he told me he had always dreamed of seeing Vatican City. I hadn’t known that, but honestly I didn’t know very much about him. It’s amazing how people can be part of our lives yet we can know so little about them. He was my grandfather and that was how I knew him. Sadly, I really didn’t know much about my grandfather the man.

At the time I didn’t know that would be the last day I ever saw him, but he passed away a few days later. That last conversation has stuck with me, and I can still picture how wistful he was that night for dreams never achieved and opportunities lost. There are always defining moments in your life that shape you, and that was one of mine.

Dreams

The capacity to dream is one of the things that differentiates humanity from other animals. It allows us to have science, art and culture.

Everyone has dreams. We all have things that we want to see, do, and accomplish; and a bucket list is really just a list of things that we want to do in our lifetime.

In the early days of a relationship, sharing of bucket lists is often part of the process of getting to know the other person and finding out if the two of you are a good fit. It helps build connection, as there is intimacy in opening ourselves up to another person and letting them in to our hopes and dreams. And when those hopes and dreams seem to align, it makes it easy to imagine a future with the other person. After all, you want the same things and are on the same path. So why not do it together?

Dreams vs Goals

There is a difference between dreams and goals though, and sharing similar dreams does not mean you have similar goals.

A friends marriage broke down a few years back, and when I talked to her about what had happened one of her biggest disappointments was she felt her husband had no ambition. When they first met they shared their hopes and dreams, and she had visions of the future they would share. But as the years went by she felt it was all talk, as he didn’t actually do anything or take any action to achieve those dreams.

I knew the guy fairly well, and he did have dreams. But it’s easy to have dreams, and it’s easy to have a bucket list. What isn’t easy is prioritizing those dreams and making them happen. Goals are based on dreams. The difference is that they are something you are actively working towards, and you have planned out a way to make them happen.

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One thing many people don’t seem to understand about goals is that they don’t just happen on their own. They involve planning and sacrifice. In order to achieve something you generally have to give something else up. It may be time, money, or other opportunities, but you can’t have everything.

As an individual it is important that you have goals, as they show you have initiative. When you go for a job interview one of the most common questions interviewers ask is where you see yourself in 2-5 years. Often they don’t really care *what* your answer is. They are simply looking for proof that you have a vision for yourself and where you want to go.

Planning Together

In a relationship one of the most rewarding things you can do is not only sharing dreams, but sharing goals and working towards them together.

It’s very easy to get caught up in the daily routines of life, so it is important to have both long and short term goals (like the 2 & 5 year plans that interviewers ask) as both an individual and a couple to look forward to.

Is there a big trip you want to do? A house? Renovations on the existing place? Courses you want to take? As I mentioned earlier, you can’t have everything. All of this stuff involves a commitment of both time and money. You need to prioritize which ones are most important to you (both individually and as a couple) and come up with a plan on how you will go about achieving these goals.

If there are individual goals for you or your partner that are a priority it’s important that you support each other in those goals, because it’s just as important for each of you to grow as individuals as it is to grow as a couple. You should have periodic checkpoints where you talk about these goals and see how you are doing, or if there is anything you want to change.

Knowing that you are working towards both your individual and common goals together shows commitment to the future. It also helps build and strengthen the connection you share. And accomplishing goals together builds experiences that you can never take away.

Be Flexible

One reminder about goals is that life is unpredictable. An unexpected pregnancy, a lost job, a broken relationship. Any number of things can happen to you that can completely derail your long and short term plans. Life throws curveballs at you, and you need to adjust accordingly.

In the movie Up the couple never was able to make their trip together, and not achieving that dream filled the main character with a sense of loss. They had a photo album that they planned on filling with the pictures and memories of the trip they never took. Near the end of the movie there is a beautiful moment where the husband looks in the photo album and realizes his wife has filled it with pictures of their life. They didn’t have the adventure they expected, but their life together was their adventure.

My grandfather never made it to Vatican City, he never achieved that dream. At the end he had regrets about it, but what would he have traded? I honestly don’t know, but I would like to think nothing. I like to think he gave that up because he prioritized other things, and he was happy with the decisions he made in his life.

So set goals. Dream together and plan together. And no matter what life throws at you, do it together.

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