Before I became a parent, I had a vision of the type of parent I wanted to be.
I thought I would be someone who would talk “to” his kids –not down to them.
I would treat them like “people”, with kindness and respect. They were small people, sure; but they were still people.
Because of this I figured I wouldn’t need to raise my voice or yell, and I definitely wouldn’t ever do anything like spank them. Instead, I would be patient. I would explain things to them, and use reason when dealing with them.
Man was I ever naive.
Nice idea in theory, but in practice? It doesn’t necessarily work.
See, kids are still learning how to interact with the world around them, and they are just learning about their own emotions.
Sometimes kids (mine included) will have tantrums. And experience has shown me that during time of high emotion (such as during the heat of a tantrum) there is no reasoning. There is no logic.
In those moments, they are simply REACTING, and are completely out of control.
After the moment has passed and they have calmed down, THEN I can talk to them. That is when they will be able to actually hear me, and reason will kinda/sorta/maybe work.
In a heightened emotional state though, reason has no chance.
I see this a lot in life.
Times where people do things and make choices that leave me dumbfounded. Often I’m left wondering “what the hell are they thinking?”
And that’s just it.
Sometimes people aren’t thinking.
Sometimes people WILL made decisions that are absolutely TERRIBLE, and have long term ramifications that seem so obvious I can’t understand HOW people could possibly make the decisions they do.
But maybe in those moments people aren’t actually thinking. Maybe in those moments they are just reacting, and aren’t actually CAPABLE of understanding the implications of their choices.
The Primal Brain
Now, a bit of a disclaimer here. Usually my posts have a fair bit of research to them, and I have facts to support what I’m saying.
For this one, I’m kinda flying by the seat of my pants and throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks. So hopefully this makes sense to someone other than me. Maybe there is data to back it up, maybe not; but it still “feels” right to me.
I first started thinking about this stuff when reading up on anxiety, and the fight or flight response.
The fight or flight response is something we’ve all probably experienced at one point in time or another. It occurs when you are in a situation that you feel threatened, or uneasy, and it’s largely a physiological response. Biology takes over, and (as the name implies) a person gets ready to either stand and fight or run away. It’s a survival mechanism that is built into our DNA.
I’ve seen this described as being part of the primal, lizard, or reptilian brain. And it’s described as follows (from brainupfl.org):
Our most primitive piece of brain anatomy is responsible for basic functions (i.e. breathing, heatbeat) and primal instincts (i.e. survival, dominance, mating).
Think about this for a moment:
Survival, dominance, mating.
All of these things are kind of important, and they are also things that often get people in a TON of trouble!!!
In each of these areas, you hear stories where people sometimes do things that they never believed they were capable of – sometimes for good, but usually for bad. And when these things happen, those who know them look at these people and struggle with reconciling the action with the person.
Abuse, affairs, murder even. The term “crimes of passion” is used to describe actions someone took because of a strong sudden impulse, but was not premeditated.
In these cases, I think the primal brain is at work.
To be clear, I don’t think the idea of people reacting to the primal brain means they aren’t responsible for their choices. They still are – ALWAYS.
But this does highlight the importance of people being more responsible for their own emotional state (more on this below…).
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
I think this idea of the primal brain and certain instinctual behaviors being able to override logic and reason (and the ability to think through consequences) is supported by Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
Maslow’s hierarchy is an idea about human motivation and personal growth. In it he breaks down different levels of needs, with the fundamental ones at the bottom and the “higher level” needs at the top. One of the primary ideas is that we need to be in a position where our lower level needs are being met before we can move up the hierarchy to the higher level needs.
Taking a look at the bottom level (or basic needs) you have things needed for survival, followed by a need for safety and security. And although it’s not depicted on the chart I have here, often sexual instinct is seen as a need that sits at the level of basic needs.
Psychological needs such as love and intimacy are next, which means they can’t be met until our physiological and safety needs are met.
This makes a ton of sense.
Love and intimacy is based on trust, and when issues occur in relationships that break down trust usually the sense of intimacy soon breaks down as well.
Any regular readers will know that I talk a lot about coping mechanisms.
Over the past few years I’ve come to believe that the coping mechanisms each individual brings to the table are probably the most important things that contribute to the success and longevity of the relationship.
So what are coping mechanisms?
Well, here’s my take on it…
Our coping mechanisms are the default behaviors we exhibit when confronted with threat or conflict. These behaviors are our automatic responses, and are probably a combination of nature and nurture. Although there may be an inherent component to them, they are also learned behaviors.
Going back the Fight or Flight response, I think everyone’s coping mechanisms fall someone on a spectrum, where we have aggression and anger (fight) on one side of the scale, and we have withdrawing or shutting down (flight) on the other end of the spectrum.
BOTH of these approaches are TERRIBLE for both individual health and for relationships.
The way I see it, both extremes of fight and flight are responses of the primal brain. In both scenarios, someone is simply reacting to a situation, and during those moments they are incapable of reason, logic, or thinking of consequences.
But these responses aren’t either/or, they sit on a spectrum.
So a goal we should ALL have is to work on our coping mechanisms. We should work on regaining control, and not letting our primal brain take over.
If we are someone who reacts with anger when things go wrong, we need to learn to control that. If we are someone who shuts down and withdraws when times are hard, we need to learn to work with other people and stop retreating into ourselves.
As kids, we are learning the world around us and learning to manage our feelings and emotions. And sadly, some of us don’t really learn that very well.
But the key word here is learn.
Shutting down and withdrawing, or becoming aggressive and angry in the face of perceived threat or challenge is never the answer. We should always strive to find a way to push back the primal brain and respond with reason. Because caring, compassion and empathy are all higher level functions; and they require us to be able to stay in control
Our coping mechanisms, no matter how broken, can always be improved.
And in many cases our very relationships depend on it.