Category Archives: Relationship Help

Life Without Sex – Part 2

Posted in Affairs, Communication, Communication Issues, Conflict, couples, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Passion, Relationship Help, Romance, Sex by

couple-in-bed-arguing

In a relationship, sex has many benefits and is an activity that enhances the connection between a couple. Sex drive differences can change sex from a wonderful part of a relationship to a source of conflict, and in extreme cases couples fall into a sexless relationship. In part 1 I discuss this idea of a sexless relationship (having sex less than 10 times a years is considered a sexless relationship), some of the causes, dangers, and what you can do if you are in a sexless relationship and you are the one who still wants sex.

People in this situation can try to remain supportive and understanding, while showing their partner that they still love them. But ultimately, there’s not a lot they can do to change the dynamic.

Today I want to want to look at this from the side of the person who is either not wanting, or is having issues with the sexual side of a relationship.

Different Reasons

Sex is a good thing in a relationship. It builds connection between the couple, and it gives pleasure to both people. But it requires both partners to be interested and engaged. For the person who is less interested in sex, the question becomes why? I see four main reasons:

  1. They are not sure they want the relationship anymore. Sex requires openness and connection. If someone has checked out on the relationship, then it stands to reason that they would find sex difficult with their partner. When this happens, this person really needs to make a decision to either commit to the relationship or to get out. Staying in the relationship with a breakdown of intimacy is not fair to anyone
  2. They see sex as something to be given or taken away. In some relationships people are interested in control and power, and sex can be used as a weapon (and withheld when they are unhappy). A relationship requires empathy and sharing, and these sorts of attitudes are extremely unhealthy. I plan on writing about power and control in the future, but anyone who is interested in power and control is liable to end up bitter, angry and alone if they can’t change their approach to relationships
  3. They have an immature view of love. If someone sees love as something that should “just happen” rather than something that they need to build into their relationship, then they are bound to end up disappointed by what real sustainable love looks like. This can cause a breakdown of desire and intimacy, making sex difficult
  4. They have had a breakdown of desire. Sometimes this just happens in long term relationships. Usually the person wishes things were different, but they are having a hard time “feeling” for their partner. Desire is related to hormones, so there can be any number of causes behind this (stress, anxiety, depression, and menopause among them)

My interest is for the people in the latter two scenarios, as these are people who actually do care about the relationship and their partner. In these cases the person genuinely wishes things were different, but they are having a hard time changing the way they feel. I’ll refer to this as simply having a lower drive. For people in the first two scenarios, well, chances are you should get out of the relationship anyhow.

Tips for the Lower Drive Person

For the lower drive person, this is a difficult situation. Hopefully the higher drive person is being considerate and understanding, but ultimately the lower drive person is the one who needs to find a way to become lovers again.

First I would like to debunk the myth that sex “isn’t truly a need”. From an individual standpoint this may be true. Unlike food and water, you won’t die without it. But your relationship might. So from the perspective of a relationship yes, regular sex is needed in order maintain and nurture a relationship. What “regular” means is up for interpretation, and that is something that is different from couple to couple (and even for a single couple it will change over the life of the relationship). The absence of sex will put tremendous strain on the relationship, and put it at risk of failure.

It is important to understand it’s not actually the sex that matters (which is why occasional “duty sex” does nothing to improve the bond between the couple). Instead it is the closeness and intimacy that sex is symbolic of. THAT is the part that is needed in order for a relationship to thrive. When intimacy is there sex should come naturally as a result of it. This is why it is important to focus on the relationship itself.

Another thing to remember is that your partner has no other outlets. I’m a firm believer that people are responsible for their own happiness (in the choices they make and the attitude that they bring to their own situation). Sexuality is one of the few places that people are dependent on someone else for fulfillment. So if it’s missing in a relationship, then even if the rest of the relationship is in a good spot this problem will start to affect the rest of the relationship.

The best thing you can do is try and identify any problems in the relationship that may be causing issues with desire. If you’re working on the relationship and desire still isn’t coming back, there may be medical reasons (such as hypoactive sexual desire disorder), however these are extreme cases and only affect a small percentage of the population. Chances are there is something that needs to be addressed in the relationship, and the best way to deal with it is through couples counseling focused on the issue with sexuality.

One question to ask yourself is “should someone have to have sex when they don’t want to”? Obviously the answer is no, they shouldn’t. In fact having sex because someone feels they are supposed to (duty sex) can widen the gap of emotional intimacy instead of helping close it.

Here is the dilemma though:

If someone consistently doesn’t want sex and their partner does then it puts their relationship at risk. If their partner wants it all the time, then this is an issue with the partner not being considerate about the person’s needs. But when the couple has drifted into a sexless marriage, there’s a problem. For the benefit of the relationship it’s up to the couple to find some sort of happy middle ground. It will likely involve an adjustment of expectations for both parties, but it also means the person with the lower drive will have to find a way to be sexual again.

They shouldn’t have to have sex when they don’t want to. But instead of looking at this as doing something they don’t want to, it may be better to try to find a way to nurture their sexual side so that they start to want to be sexual with their partner again.

Making Sex a Priority

Sex is important to a relationship and has many benefits to both the individual and the couple. That is a fact. No one should “have to” have sex when they don’t want to. Also fact.

So the question becomes, if someone consistently isn’t interested in sex and it is putting strain on the relationship, how do they become interested again? How can they find a balance where both members of the relationship are happy? One recommendation is to make sex a focus and a priority in the relationship.

One common misconception is that someone has to be in the mood in order to be sexual. Difficulties getting in the mood are extremely common, and happen to pretty much everyone. With busy lives waiting till you are “in the mood” could be a long wait. And what happens if you are in the mood but your partner isn’t? The chances of both being in the mood at the same time is low. Those who wait for “the mood”, well, generally they find themselves in the sexless relationship.

Instead of waiting to be in the mood for sex, many relationship experts suggest you try to make time for sex with the hope that allowing yourself to be sexual will help put you in the mood (kind of a chicken or the egg approach). In this approach, the lower drive person is just as responsible for getting themselves in the mood as the higher drive person (perhaps more so).

Schedule Sex

To do this, you need to schedule sex. You may do this formally as a couple, or at the start the lower drive person may do it on their own (for example telling themselves that “tonight” is a night for sex). If the thought of doing this doesn’t cause additional stress, then instead it’s possible to mentally prep for sex. Think about sex, read a sexy story (either alone or together), whatever works to try and get yourself into the mood. And then be sexual with your partner.

massage

The key is focusing on sexuality, touch (possibly massage or erotic massage), and building connection instead of the act of sex. In fact, if you don’t or even if you find you aren’t able to engage in penetrative sex, that’s fine. It’s more about taking time to be sexual together and rebuilding a sense of safety with physical intimacy with your partner.

Don’t worry about “shutting your partner down” before penetrative sex or orgasm. If your partner sees that you are putting effort into being lovers again, they will likely be very happy and supportive. When you do have sex it may starts as more of a physical act, but over time it should transition into a more intimate one.

Whether you are scheduling this formally or planning it on your own, come up with a desired frequency and schedule it. Once a week? Once every 2 weeks? Do what works for you and adjust it over time. It’s about building habits, and it may seem awkward at first but over time gets internalized. Be willing to accept that you don’t always have to meet the schedule, but the vast majority of the time you should try to.

Mindset is Key

Depending on how badly the emotional connection has broken down, this can be an extremely difficult thing to do. I recognize this isn’t like watching a movie you aren’t really interested. This is your body, and you are sharing it with someone else.

Because of this, mindset is extremely important. If you view this as an obligation you will get resentful and that will make things worse. But if you accept it is an important part of a relationship, then you will see this as an investment in the long term health and happiness of your relationship.

Heading to the Gym

A great analogy for this is going to the gym with a partner. Physical health is a positive thing (there are really no drawbacks to trying to improve your level of physical fitness). The benefits range from physical health to self-esteem to mental health. But committing to physical fitness takes a commitment of time and effort – it doesn’t just happen.

If you haven’t done anything in a long time though, making a commitment to physical fitness is difficult, and at the beginning it seems like work. You know there are benefits, but the way to achieve those benefits isn’t easy.

In order for the workouts to be effective though, you need to come up with a regular schedule and stick to it. Working out one day, and then not doing anything again for a month or even a few weeks doesn’t really help much. And in fact, if you don’t make it regular you may find it’s easy to make excuses skip a workout. Unfortunately when you miss one workout, it becomes a lot easier to miss another.

If you stick to your routine an interesting thing happens though. After a while you will find you start to enjoy it. And not just that, but if you have to skip a workout you’ll find that you miss it and want to make it up. Instead of “work”, it has become a regular part of your life.

Taking this analogy one step further, even for the people who are regulars at the gym there are days that you just don’t want to go. Maybe you didn’t sleep well last night, or maybe you have a cold. Having a partner who is expecting you to be there can sometimes act as the motivation to get out and do your workout anyhow. Sometimes you will go and you really won’t be into it, but other times even when you force yourself to go you will find that your body responds to being there and you have a great workout anyhow.

motivation

Built to Last

Relationships run into problems, and sexual issues are probably the most difficult ones for a relationship to deal with. But in a long term relationship it is important for the couple to maintain sexuality and being lovers.

It’s important to be open with your partner about what is going on, and recognize this as a problem for the relationship, and not just for the individual. If your partner truly cares about the long term health of the relationship, they will show patience and understanding. But it’s also important to remember that your partner has needs in the relationship too, and letting sexual issues go unresolved will threaten the health of the relationship.

When emotional connection has broken down, it’s the responsibility of both parties to do their part in actively rebuilding it. And part of that rebuilding involves making sexuality and sex a regular part of the relationship.

Scheduling and prioritizing sex may not seem spontaneous or romantic, but it doesn’t have to mean that it’s not intimate. It allows you an opportunity to focus on being intimate together. And you may find that once you prioritize it, you remember what you have been missing.

couple-hands

Life Without Sex – Part 1

Posted in Affairs, Communication, Conflict, couples, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Passion, Relationship Help, Relationships, Romance, Sex by

Life without sex

When I look at the stats page for the site, the most commonly viewed posts are the ones on Happiness and Sex. This makes a lot of sense as there is a correlation between the two. In long term relationships a couples sex life is generally a barometer of the relationships overall health.

Sex is a form of intimacy and is a manifestation of closeness and connection in a relationship. If your relationship is in a good place, then you have the sense of closeness and connection that leads to sex. And if you have that closeness you are generally pretty happy. So although it may not be entirely causal, more sex equals increased relationship satisfaction (note, that was causal – as in “being the cause of”, and not casual. If you’re interested in learning about casual sex you came to the wrong place).

There are all sorts of taboos about sex, but as a component of a healthy relationship sex is a great thing. Sex in a relationship provides a number of advantages physically and emotionally, for both the individual and the couple. So why is it such a difficult topic for couples, and why can it become a source of so much conflict?

In my previous series of posts on sex I talked about how sex can be a source of conflict due to differing sex drives; and that this is both natural and unavoidable. I talked about ways to deal with these differences, and how open communication in the relationship is the best approach to finding a happy middle ground, ensuring these differences allow sex to continue to enhance a relationship instead of damaging it.

I don’t want to rehash a topic that I’ve addressed already, but I recently came across a concept that made me want to look at this once again. That topic is a “Sexless Marriage”.

Sexless Marriage

A Sexless Marriage is defined as a marriage (or any long term relationship) where the couple has sex 10 or less times per year. According to stats, 15-20% of couples find themselves in this state.

Differences in sex drive are normal, requiring compassion and understanding on the part of both members of the couple. A sexless marriage is an extreme though, and is generally a sign of more than just differing sex drives.

Because relationships have ups and downs which can impact feelings of closeness, it’s not uncommon for “sexual droughts” to happen occasionally in long term relationships. In fact it is fairly common occurrence in the first few years after children are born. When it lasts for extended periods of time however, it can become a serious issue and threaten the relationship.

Humans are sexual creatures, and there are many advantages to sex in a relationship. In a healthy relationship sex is a physical manifestation of the love the couple shares. It is a way of showing closeness and desire, and is a form of communication and sharing. It is a special activity that the couple shares with each other and no one else, and it is not just a physical act, but also an emotional and symbolic act.

The absence of sex (or sex being reduced to duty sex) is symbolic in a different way. When this happens it comes to symbolize a lack of desire, closeness, and a sense that the other persons needs don’t matter. But perhaps most significantly, it comes to symbolize a lack of love.

This is a pretty sensitive topic, so I will try to tread lightly here. To be clear, when I talk about sex here, I’m talking about sex as an extension of intimacy (with the idea that the absence of sex also means there is an absence of intimacy). When this happens it’s safe to say that a sexless relationship is bad news, and not good for anyone.

The frequency with which a couple has sex really isn’t that important (as long as it’s not an issue for the couple), and most couples find a balance that works for them. But sex still needs to be a regular part of the relationship. According to the definition of a sexless relationship, you need it at least once a month for “regular maintenance”. Less than that and I find it hard to believe it’s not an issue for the couple.

Once it becomes an issue the taboo nature of sex likely makes it a difficult one to resolve. It does need to be addressed though, as the cost of not addressing the issue is extremely high. Sexual issues are one of the leading causes of relationships breaking down, often leading to affairs or divorce. It’s something you kinda need your partner for. So if there is no sexual satisfaction within the relationship and no signs that will ever change, eventually people will start looking outside of it.

Breakdown of Intimacy

I’ve touched on some of the causes for the breakdown of sex before, but here’s a quick overview:

Life often gets in the way, and people find themselves too tired or too busy. People naturally have differing drives, where one person wants it and the other isn’t interested. If the gap is large, for the lower drive person this causes pressure. For the higher drive person being “shut down” hurts, and after a while they stop asking. Next thing you know a long time has passed.

Desire is related to hormones, and things like childbirth can make changes to a woman’s hormone levels to change in a way that desire fades (body image issues after kids play a role in this). This is apparently a common issue, and there are a number of books written for women that deal with this (one of the top ones is supposedly Great Sex for Moms, by Valerie Raskin).

This isn’t just an issue for women though (well, the childbirth part is). Dampened levels of desire can also affect men, with some of the main causes of lowered sex drives being depression, anxiety or even high levels of stress.

Another problem for intimacy is simply differences between men and women. For years I leaned towards the “nurture” side of the nature/nurture debate. I thought men and women were largely the same and it was socialization that made us different. But there are differences, and these are very evident when it comes to sex. It’s been said that:

Men need sex for intimacy, women need intimacy for sex.

That’s not entirely accurate. Some men seem to treat sex and intimacy interchangeably, but most understand that sex is only a form of intimacy. But there is an element of truth there as men definitely seem to place a greater emphasis on the importance of sex for intimacy then women do.

So what does this mean for the relationship?

Work on the Relationship

One thing to remember is that most sexual issues are issues with the relationships itself, and not issues about sex. You know the saying build it that they will come? Ideally the same can be said here.

I recently wrote a series of posts on rebuilding passion in a relationship. Your main goal should be strengthening your relationship, and as the relationship strengthens it should also rekindle the spark needed for sex. Sex is important, but a healthy relationship should be your goal (with sex as a nice bonus).

But what happens if you are working on the relationship and the intimacy needed for sex doesn’t return?

Tips for the Higher Drive Person

For the higher drive person ensure you understand what makes your partner feel valued and loved, and show them that. If you are doing your best to ensure the health of the relationship and your partner is still not showing any desire or interest in sex? At that point there’s not a lot you can do. You can’t “make” someone want you, and the low drive person pretty much holds all the keys.

Taking care of your own sexual needs may provide physical release, but sex is supposed to strengthen the sense of closeness and the bonds between a couple. So self-pleasuring isn’t going to do much for you here. I guess it could, but if you find you are sending yourself flowers at work or sending yourself suggestive texts then you are probably hitting bottom.

kissing-mirror

In all seriousness, being forced to take care of your own needs for an extended period of time will only damage your relationship. It will break down the bonds between you and your partner, and resentment will build along with a sense that your needs don’t matter in the relationship.

Due to this you need to get it out in the open and try to find a solution (waiting things out won’t work, and will only result in a lot of waiting). Be careful in how you approach this though. Your partner need to be able to understand that you do love them, and that you miss sex with them, and the closeness and benefits it provides.

Remember that your goal is a lifetime of love and happiness with your partner. Sex needs to be part of that and your needs have to matter in the relationship. But the relationship is the main goal.

At the same time, don’t lose sight of the fact that you and your needs matter too. You need to be happy in the relationship, and that can be difficult without physical intimacy. If your partner values you and the relationship, you will see effort on their part. If you don’t see effort you have a difficult decision to make. Can you stay in a relationship without intimacy? Some do, though I can’t see how that is good for anyone. But hopefully there are signs that your partner does want this to change.

So what about the lower drive person? That’s coming in Part 2…

Finding Passion – Part 2

Posted in Affairs, Conflict, couples, Happiness, Hope, Love, Marriage, Passion, Relationship Help, Romance by

passion

In the first part(s) of this series I talked about how relationships go through stages, and over time passion can be lost as the emotional connection between a couple breaks down. Some people respond to this loss of passion by looking for it outside the relationship, either through an affair or divorce (with the hopes of finding it in a subsequent relationship). Other people stay in the relationship but accept the loss of passion as an inevitable outcome for long term relationships.

I don’t believe this has to happen. The intense hormone driven passion during the infatuation stage of a relationship is gone, but a healthier long term passion can still be nurtured. The love in a marriage (or any long term relationship) should still be a beautiful, wonderful thing. Maybe I’m just naive, but I believe your feelings for your partner should still be able to take your breath away whether you’ve been together 2 years or 60.

In this final part I want to discuss how emotional connection can be rebuilt and passion can be found. Most of the ideas here have come from a variety of sources; books, articles, counselors and even talking with other couples. I believe strongly in long term relationships and marriage, and I believe no matter how hopeless things may seem it is never too late.

Laying Blame

When passion breaks down it can often feel like the death of a loved one, and in some ways it is. Your partner may still be there, but there is a sense of loss for the relationship that previously existed. When this happens it is common to look for something to blame. What happened? How did it break down? Was there something wrong with your partner? Was it because they simply didn’t show you enough love? Was there something fundamentally wrong with the relationship? Was there something wrong with you?

First it’s important to acknowledge that yes, in some ways the relationship IS at fault. But a question to ask yourself is, is the problem something inherent about the relationship? Or is it perhaps the way one or both parties have approached the relationship? If it is a flaw with the way the relationship has been approached then it can be improved. After all, you loved each other once. So why can’t you go back there?

But you won’t actually go “back there”. The patterns of the past are what got you to your current state. So your future must be different. Different isn’t bad though, and it can in fact be better.

You may believe the current state of the relationship is largely due to your partner, which may be true. In some ways however, that doesn’t matter. You do need to understand how you got to your current state in order to avoid making the same mistakes again. Beyond that though, you have to be able to let go of the past and move on. If you want to rebuild, blame simply puts up barriers.

In addition to not blaming your partner, it is important to acknowledge that there are two people in a relationship and you played a role in any issues.

When you are in denial about your part in the relationship then you are no better than a child flinging sand at another child in a sandbox. When you take responsibility for your part in the marriage, only then will you be able to connect with your partner in a mature, intimate way. – Carin Goldstein, LMFT

Believing in Change

For things to change, you need to believe things CAN change. There are two primary mind sets people can have in life, fixed and growth mind sets. I will write more on them in the future, but in order to truly believe in change you have to embrace a growth mindset. In a fixed mindset people often don’t believe change is possible. Problems are seen as a sign of a fundamental flaw, and there is a belief relationships should not require effort (because if it requires effort then it’s not true love). Hate to say it, but if your relationship is in a tough spot and you have a fixed mindset you WILL fail unless you can change that mindset first.

Even without a negative mindset, when you are in a bad spot the situation can poison any effort and make it hard to believe things can improve. In the sports world Phil Jackson recently made the following comment about this negative mindset:

Losing breeds more losing. It’s hard to work out of a funk when the team doesn’t have any sort of confidence. The self-perpetuating cycle just keeps on churning, pushing a squad into a deeper and deeper hole.

The comment was about a basketball team, but it applies to any interpersonal dynamic. Things won’t turn around on their own, and the longer you wait before taking action the deeper the issues get until eventually they seem hopeless. The truth is, everything can improve with effort.

Putting in Effort

Have you seen the movie the Matrix (part one of course, as I will deny the other parts exist)? In it, Keanu Reeves is able to learn anything by simply getting the information he needs uploaded into his head. He needs to learn to fight? No problem. Just upload a Kung Fu program into your brain and voila, instant black belt!!!

Neo

Guess what, life’s not like that. Even if you truly believe change is possible it doesn’t just happen on its own. You need to be willing to put in the effort.

Imagine you want to get into better shape. How do you do it? Do you sit at home thinking “I wish I was in better shape” while popping another Dorito in your mouth? I’ve tried, it doesn’t help. What about if you want to learn a new language? Does it suddenly come to you one day? If you have a post-secondary education, did a degree show up in the mail one day causing the knowledge to just appear in your head? No. All of these things require time, effort and dedication; and rebuilding your relationship is no different.

There are no magic wands, and no shortcuts. If you truly want to make changes in your relationship (or any aspect of life), you need to put in effort in order to facilitate those changes. This isn’t a bad thing, and it doesn’t have to be difficult. Think of it like riding a bike. If you haven’t ridden a bike in a long time, the first few attempts will be shaky and may feel a little unnatural. You may even fall down a few times and wonder if you’ll ever be able to do it again. But if you keep at it, it will come back and eventually it will feel natural again.

Effort is key here, and mindset is everything. There will be setbacks, but you can’t give up in frustration every time things aren’t going well. You need to commit yourself to re-igniting your relationship. It will take time, and require SUSTAINED effort.

Alright, you need to put in effort and you need to believe. But what do you actually have to do?

Take Care of You

One important, and often overlooked thing is taking care of yourself. It’s kind of like the reminders you get before a plane takes off – “In case of a drop in cabin pressure, put your own air mask on first”. This is the same. Basically, you can’t help your relationship if you can’t help yourself. Of course it’s also important not to take this too far, and you can’t ignore your relationship while focusing only on you. But in order to get your relationship to a healthy place you also need to be in a healthy place (or working towards one).

HealYourself

Find Each Other Again

The biggest thing with lost passion is that the couple has “lost each other”. Part of this may be due to different roles. All couples start as friends and lovers, but over time life starts to get in the way. We have jobs, mortgages, bills, and families; and time is quickly filled up with routine. If you don’t devote time to each other it is very easy for the emotional connection to break down, and the relationship to devolve into simply being roommates. When this happens you need to rediscover each other and find each other again.

How do you do this? First, you need to start prioritizing time for each other again. Life is full of routines and things that have to be done, so if you don’t “make time” for each other you will never have it. There will ALWAYS be other things that get in the way. If your relationship is important, then make it a priority in your life. If you haven’t made each other a priority then that’s probably a big part of how you got into this spot.

One of the best resources I have found for rebuilding is John Gottmans book “The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work”. One of the ideas Gottman has is that when connection has broken down, a couple can actively work on rebuilding their “love maps”. The book contains a number of questionnaires and exercises for couples to do, ideally together. The basic premise behind them is about learning who your partner is again. Engaging them, exploring your hopes and dreams together, and re-learning each other.

Gottmans books has 7 principles for rebuilding an nurturing your relationship:

  1. Enhance Your “Love Maps”. This is about re-learning each other and ensuring you continue to stay in tune with your partner’s life
  2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration. This is about thinking about the positive sides of both your partner and your relationship, and taking time to appreciate them
  3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away. This is about actively expressing appreciation for each other (side note, I thought I came up with the marital bank account idea used in prior posts on my own, but apparently I read it here first)
  4. Let Your Partner Influence You. Learn from each other, and be willing to make changes for each other
  5. Solve Your Solvable Problems. Learn how to deal with issues in a non-judgmental way, and learn to compromise
  6. Overcome Gridlock. Some problems will never be solved, and will be perpetual issues in your marriage. This is about learning to accept and live with that problem in a way that you both can talk about it and accept that it’s there, and is simply an acceptable difference between you
  7. Create Shared Meaning. To me this is about emotional intimacy. Finding the deep inner meanings that you can agree on that bond you together, and trying to learn and understand your partner at a deeper level

It had been a few years since I had read this book, but reviewing it for this post reminded me of just how much relationship gold it contains. It should really be a must read for anyone in a relationship, but it is especially good for “distressed” relationships (side note – why is it that you need a license to drive a car, but you don’t need to demonstrate any ability to work as a team prior to getting married?).

Focus on the Positive

Looking at your problems it’s easy to get caught up in who has done what, or what is wrong. So one of the biggest suggestions you will find for repairing and rebuilding a relationship is to remember the good, and focus on it. When you can see how much good you have, it can put into context the things that need improving.

Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough – Paul Pierce

Make lists of all the positive things you can think of about your relationship and your life together. Things like your happiest moments and characteristics that you love about your partner. Then invite your partner to do the same, and share the lists. Sometimes when the relationship is tense it can feel like nothing is going right, so it is important to reminder yourself about what you love about your partner. But sharing this allows you to remind them of the things that you love (and vice versa). This should increase feelings of warmth between you and help rebuild the bond.

Bring Back the Fun

Fun. It’s so important, and so easily lost when things are in a bad place (think of the losers mentality from above). Think of the last time you and your partner had fun together. Has it been recent, has it been a long time?

In part 1 I talked about Robert De Niro’s character from Analyze This. He had lost sight of his wife, and only saw her as the mother of his children instead of his friend and lover. It can be hard to do in the early years of being a parent, but it’s important to always make time to be a couple and not just family.

Go on regular dates, and try to bring back a sense of fun and romance (both partners are equally responsible for this). Find an activity you can both do together on a regular basis and do it. If all you are doing is stuff as a family, then you are simply reinforcing the idea of partner as family. You NEED to be a couple, and be able to have fun as a couple again. To do that you need to spend time alone, away from the kids. And importantly, you need to get out of the house!!!

I mentioned a couple I knew who tried this, and they found they didn’t know how to talk to each other anymore. In addition to taking time as a couple, find other “friend couples” that you can go out with. This allows you to interact as a couple while still being in a social setting, and it takes some of the pressure off of having to “fill the silence” with each other. This can be things like going to dinner or events, playing cards/board games/whatever. Couple dates and joint friends allows socializing in a fun/friendly atmosphere, and helps reinforce the sense of team. This is invaluable for helping to build and maintain bonds.

In addition to rebuilding a feeling of closeness, you have to become lovers and place a priority on maintaining physical intimacy. This can be one of the hardest parts of rebuilding, but being lovers is a natural extension of emotional connection. As emotional connection is rebuilt this *should* come back naturally. That said, it’s a sensitive and complicated topic (which I believe it warrants it’s own post), so I’ll leave this one alone for another day.

Final Word on Passion

It’s human nature to want a fulfilling relationship, we all want it. If you are in a long term relationship, you came together for a reason. When the connection has broken down remember why you came together. Rediscover each other, your passion for each other, and work to maintain it. It’s easy to lose sight of the fact that relationships must be maintained, and it is the responsibility of both parties to keep the spark alive. It requires commitment, and it requires effort.

There are many ways to show your commitment to improving your relationship, and what works for one couple may not work for another. Take a look and pick what you think may work for you. Try it, if it helps great. If not try something different. But the key is you need to take action, try different things, and put in effort.

I like to think of a relationship as a plant. With water and sunlight the smallest seed can grow into a strong beautiful tree. In a relationship, the water and sunlight is the tenderness, affection and effort that we put into each other. Once plants have had time to establish their roots, they can weather all sorts of storms. Times of drought can take a toll, and without care eventually the strongest plants will die. They are remarkably hardy though, and even when they appear dead the roots may still be alive. As long as the roots are alive it’s never too late, and if given the attention it needs the plant will return. The new plant may look a bit different, but it can still be just as beautiful.

sapling photo

Long term relationships require effort, but I believe they are worth it. A close friend once compared rebuilding passion and emotional connection to trying to get an iceberg moving. At first it seems like an impossible task, and the effort to get it moving is considerable. Slowly though it will start to move, and as it moves it will gain momentum. But that momentum requires effort and commitment on both parts. Commit to your partner, and together you can achieve anything.

I’m interested in what YOU think, and if you have any ideas or suggestions for maintaining the passion and emotional connection that keeps us together.

Finding Passion – Part 1

Posted in Affairs, Conflict, couples, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Passion, Relationship Help, Romance by

passion

My post from last week on Can Guys and Girls Just be Friends has received a surprising level of response. Since statistics show around 40% of men and 30% of women will have affairs, I suppose it shouldn’t be that surprising.

I thought I was finished with this topic, but comments and emails from readers have led me to explore something I’ve only touched on a bit in the past – the loss of passion in long term relationship.

I believe that more than anything, loss of passion is THE leading contributor to both affairs and divorce. Statistics are clear, many marriages or long term relationships fail. What statistics don’t show is that many of those that “succeed” aren’t really happy relationships – or at least not as happy as they could be.

Some people accept that this is just natural, and tell themselves maybe this is what marriage really is. Or they decide it is better than the alternative of being alone. So they emotionally disconnect and become roommates who live parallel lives, each person doing their own thing with maybe the occasional “duty sex” thrown in once in a while.

Other people ask themselves, is this all life is? Is this what marriage is really about? It seems obvious that the answer is no. That isn’t what anyone expected when they agreed to “in good times and in bad”. Unfortunately although this loss of passion happens gradually, once it has happened it can seem hopeless to get out.

Living parallel lives is one way to deal with the pain, but ultimately that will lead to an affair, divorce, or acceptance of an unhappy existence. That pain does not go away though. It gnaws away at you, and will start to permeate all aspects of your life. One reader described it to me as follows:

Nothing is more painful than a broken relationship. Nothing is more painful than feeling love for the person sitting next to you, and feeling nothing in return. Knowing they are right there, but they are a million miles away.

Affairs allow someone to feel as though they have reignited the passion, and allow the person to convince themselves that yes, it WAS the relationship that was the problem (after all, they can feel passion for someone else, right?). But all the evidence shows that after a year or two the passion in the new relationship fades and the person is back in the same exact spot.

Divorce is another way out, but it is also a way of blaming the relationship. And like affairs, there is no guarantee that any future relationship will be any better.

Short of things like physical and emotional abuse it seems clear that improving the current relationship is the best option if possible – especially if kids are involved.

Commitment involves what you are putting into the relationship, and remaining as roommates isn’t healthy for anyone. So if you have emotionally disconnected you should either start actively working on the relationship or you should get out.

I believe in both love and marriage, and I don’t believe passion has to be lost. If it has been lost, I believe passion can be found again. Marriage can be wonderful, loving, fulfilling and passionate. It should be a place of personal and emotional safety. If yours isn’t, I don’t believe it’s ever too late to change that.

What is Passion?

The first thing to look at is passion. What exactly is it? When I think passion in a relationship, I think of sex (or at least the feelings that lead to sex). I think of people who can’t keep their hands off each other. People who are fumbling with each other’s clothes when they are barely through the door.

I’m sure most people have experienced that, however briefly, and it’s a great feeling. It’s also how passion is sold to us in romance novels and movies. But is that really what passion is?

Science has shown that the intense emotions of the early stage of a relationship are really hormone induced infatuation, and that this emotional intensity is unsustainable for longer than 6 months to 2 years (incidentally the average length of an affair – hmmmm).

Does that mean long term relationships are destined to be sterile and passionless? I don’t believe that to be the case at all. Quoting myself here:

Being passionate about something means REALLY enjoying it, and having strong positive feelings for it. You can be passionate about all sorts of things: cooking, traveling, a sports team, whatever. When people talk about passion in a relationship it’s the same thing. You are passionate about the other person. They are very important to you, and you care greatly for them. Seeing them happy is a source of happiness for you.

The hormone induced early passion may be destined to fade, but a healthier passion can and should stay in long term relationships. Unfortunately, that often fades too.

Loss of Passion

Why do we lose passion? Where does it go? There are all sorts of possible answers to this question, but for one of the big ones (in my opinion) I’ll turn to the movies. Have you ever seen the movie Analyze This? It’s a great film, with Robert DeNiro playing a mob boss who is going to see a counselor/psychologist (played by Billy Crystal). Here’s an exchange from the film:

AnalyzeThis

Crystal:  What happened with your wife last night?
De Niro: I wasn’t with my wife, I was with my girlfriend.
Crystal:  Are you having marriage problems?
De Niro: No.
Crystal:  Then why do you have a girlfriend?
De Niro: What, are you gonna start moralizing on me?
Crystal:  No, I’m not, I’m just trying to understand, why do you have a girlfriend?
De Niro: I do things with her I can’t do with my wife.
Crystal:  Why can’t you do them with your wife?
De Niro: Hey, that’s the mouth she kisses my kids goodnight with! What are you, crazy?

I thing this amusing exchange touches on something very important. I’ve talked about roles before, and how we have different aspects to our selves. In my view, our partners have at least three distinct roles that they need to play in our lives. They need to be friends, lovers and family.

In long term relationships, all of these roles need to be nurtured and maintained. Time and effort needs to be spent on being both friends and lovers. When that doesn’t happen, it’s easy to start seeing your partner only through the roles that you do maintain, and that’s when trouble begins.

This becomes especially pronounced when kids are introduced to the mix. I have kids, and I love them. They’re great, and I couldn’t possibly imagine my life without them. In theory kids act as a bonding agent for a couple. They are a product of their love for each other, and they bring the kids into the world together. Even couples who have split up will admit that in an ideal world they would have been able to raise the kids together.

But kids also require great sacrifice, and can put strain on the relationship. As awesome as they are, they are demanding little buggers in terms of time and energy. And time with them (or just as a family) is time not spent as a couple. It is very common for couples (usually the guy) to admit that they miss the time they used to have with their partner before kids.

Many women also lose themselves in being mothers. Add in hormonal and physical changes, and it can be difficult to find the energy required for being a couple. I’m a guy, so I won’t pretend to “get” this stuff. But I know that as as the kids get older it is common for women to have to find themselves again (there are a number of books written on this topic).

In the scene from the movie, De Niro’s character has lost sight of his wife as a lover. His view of “wife” has come to see her only as the mother of his kids. He may still see her as a friend, but he no longer sees her as a lover – he has stopped seeing her as desirable or sexual.

With or without kids, many couples fall into the trap of not making time and prioritizing each other as friends, and lovers. It may be not making time for each other, or taking each other for granted. Like anything else, if you don’t use it you run the risk of losing it, and over time this lack of focus on each other can lead to an emotional disconnect.

When someone says “I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore” this is likely what has happened. For whatever reason, not enough focus has been spent on being an “us”, and the end result is a breakdown of emotional connection. This happens to varying degrees ALL the time, with many couples.

How do you solve this? From what I can see, it is a puzzle many, MANY people wish they could solve. If I *knew* the answer to this I would likely be on the talk show circuit promoting my latest relationship book instead of writing this blog, but based on a variety of sources I do have some thoughts. Stay tuned for part 2.

The Golden Rule

Posted in Communication, Communication Issues, Conflict, couples, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help, Relationships, Romance by

I’ve long had an interest in interpersonal relationships, and I spend a fair bit of time thinking, reading and writing on the topic. Interpersonal relationships are simply our interactions with other people, and a big part of that is how we treat others.

Have you ever thought about how you treat others? For me, one of my guiding principles was the golden rule. The wording I was taught was “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. Over the years this has been simplified, with the current wording being:

Golden rule

Treat others the way you want to be treated is another way of saying “Be kind to people and don’t treat them like crap”. That seems obvious. No one enjoys being on the receiving end of outburst of anger, or someone being cruel. So if you don’t enjoy it, it stands to reason that you shouldn’t treat other people that way.

But this rule only really applies at a high level. “I like it when someone is kind to me, therefore I should be kind to others” is obvious. But “I like onions therefore I should give you onions and expect you to appreciate it” doesn’t really work. Unfortunately, that is often exactly what we do. We take this “rule” too far, and do things for others that we enjoy. And then find ourselves shocked or disappointed when our efforts aren’t received the way we would expect.

People are different. We have different personalities and different interests. So it shouldn’t be shocking that what we want and need from each other may be different. Instead of treating others the way we want to be treated, we need to start focusing on treating others the way THEY want to be treated.

Love Languages

lovelanguages

Recently I read the “The 5 Love Languages – The Secret to Love that Lasts” by Gary Chapman, and it touches on this very idea. It’s a fairly short book (around 150 pages), and definitely worth a read, but I’ll give you a bit of a synopsis.

A while back I talked about a marital satisfaction bank account, and how the good times in our relationships act as a buffer against the bad times, allowing us to persevere when times are hard.

Dr. Chapman has a similar concept, but he calls it a “love tank”. According to him we all have love tanks, and when our relationships are in a good place these tanks are largely full. Personally I like the idea of marital satisfaction bank accounts better, but he’s the one selling books so I guess I’ll stick with his concept for now (mine’s cooler though).

We all want to feel loved and we all want to feel valued, and through years of being a counselor he felt there are five different ways couples express love to each other.

The Five Love Languages

Dr. Chapman called these different approaches to expressing love “The Five Love Languages”. They are pretty self-explanatory, but a brief overview is as follows:

  • Words of affirmation. This is when someone is open about telling you how much they care, and appreciate you. It can even just saying “I love you”
  • Acts of service. This is taking on tasks, or doing things for the other person
  • Quality time. This is about being together, but being fully present and in the moment with each other. Watching TV together probably doesn’t count, but talking, going for walks together and just “being” with each other does.
  • Gifts. This is… umm… giving gifts. Gifts can be anything from a day pass at the spa to coming home with flowers
  • Physical affection. This encompasses everything from hugging and holding hands to sex.

Primary Languages

Looking at the 5 love languages it seems safe to say that they are all different ways to express love. All of them seem valuable, and I would even argue needed in a relationship. We all need to *know* that we are loved, we all need to feel it. If you don’t feel loved in your relationship, it can lead to doubts, and it can cause things to start to break down.

We are all different though. Some people need more expressions of love while others need less. Beyond that though, what Dr. Chapman identified is that we each have our own “Primary” love language.

In counseling many couples, he found that often the couples seemed to be doing the right things. But although they were, one or both of them weren’t happy. They may not have been unhappy, but their “love tanks” weren’t full. In talking with the people individually he found that for some people, one love language is much more important and has greater impact on them then the others.

This is where the problem of the Golden Rule comes in. We tend to treat others the way that we want to be treated, and that applies to our expressions of love. But what happens when your preferred expression of love doesn’t match your partners? Well, then you have a recipe for a couple who may truly love each other, but still not be very happy.

Ask yourself how you show love to your partner. Do they just *know* you love them? If so, how? Look through the love languages and figure out which ways you actively show your partner love. If you aren’t actively doing any of them, I’ll make a guess that your relationship could use some attention.

Identify Each Others Love Languages

Instead of treating others the way we want to be treated, we need to treat others the way THEY want to be treated. And that requires a bit of self discovery.

In order to fully embrace your relationship, you need to understand your own love language. Take a look at the list above, and figure out what the most important languages are for you. There may be more than one that stands out, and that’s fine. But whatever stands out to you is the way that you like to have love expressed to you, and the way that you feel the most valued.

If you are struggling with figuring out your love language, one clue may be areas of conflict between you and your partner. The books states:

People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need

Once you have identified your primary love language, think about times that you haven’t had it expressed to you and how it made you feel.

Have your spouse do this exercise too, and then share your love languages. Maybe you already know them, and you have been speaking to each other in the right languages. But maybe you haven’t.

Choosing Love

One question that is addressed in the book is “what if my partners love language is one that is not natural to me”?

I’ve talked a lot in the past about how long term love is a choice. Some people don’t like that idea because it doesn’t seem to fit how love is portrayed in pop culture. Love is usually portrayed as all hormones and emotion.

But choosing love? Somehow that seems cold, and calculated, and not very romantic at all. Maybe it’s just me, but I think choosing love can be very romantic.

It’s easy to be in love when things are going well, or when it “works for you”. But a relationship involves two people. If your primary love languages aren’t matches then taking actions that you know will be meaningful and have greater impact for your partner shows a deeper love and commitment than just doing the things that are more natural to you. And if your partner knows that those aren’t natural expressions of love for you? Chances are they will appreciate it even more.

Taking another quote from the book:

The object of love is not getting something you want, but doing something for the well-being of the one you love.

I still think the Golden Rule is a good guideline in life. But it’s just a starting point. We are all different, and we all have different needs. For the people who you are closest to, and especially for you partner you need to go deeper. You need to take the time to understand them and their needs, and treat them the way they want to be treated. By doing that you show that THEY matter, and that you value them.

Depending on your own love language it may be a stretch at first, but your relationship will likely be happier for it.

Accountability Part 2 – Taking Ownership

Posted in Communication, Conflict, Happiness, Identity, Individuality, Life, Relationship Help, Relationships, Self-Improvement by

accountability_header

What is the one and only thing you have control over in your life? Your job? Nope. Your friends? Nope. Your kids? Uh, definitely nope.

The only thing you have control over is you. You control your actions and your decisions. You have the ability to “influence” other things and other people. But just as you make your choices, they make theirs. And trying to control anything else is a bad idea anyhow .

Likewise there are things that influence you and your decisions. Some things have greater influences than others. But ultimately you choose which influences you will allow to impact you, and you make the choices that lead to your decisions.

In part 1 I went over the Responsibility Process. It talked about consciously choosing to be responsible, and the mental process that happens as we move through various states from denial to consciously choosing responsibility. Choosing responsibility is only part of accountability however.

Accountability is about owning your life, your decisions and your actions. The only person who controls those is you.

For some people this idea is liberating, while for others it’s terrifying. It’s not always easy to make a decision, because what if you make the wrong choice? When you make a choice, you are responsible for the outcomes or consequences of that choice. That’s fine when things go well, but what about when they don’t? Having to “own” bad choices can be a very scary thing to face.

Because of this it’s easier to try and deflect the decision making on to someone else. Denial, Blame and Justification are all examples of deflecting decision making away from yourself. Another approach is to simply not make a decision. However NOT making a decision IS a decision. It is essentially the same as denial. The following quote sums this up beautifully:

Accountability_inaction

It’s important to understand that no one acts from a position of accountability all the time. All of us have moments that we try to deny, blame, justify, or act due to shame or a sense of obligation.

Periodically that is fine, but some people rarely hold themselves accountable. Instead their default mode of operating is denial, blame, justification, shame and obligation.

It seems obvious that these are negative modes of operation, so would anyone want to operate from these modes? I don’t believe anyone really “wants” to operate from any of these modes. Rather, these modes are primal responses to issues, and it is easy for your mind to accept them as acceptable responses.

Learned Helplessness

Have you ever heard of Learned Helplessness? There’s a lot of valuable literature on it, but in summary Learned Helplessness is when someone has lost the belief that they are able to change their situation. They actually CAN impact their situation, but due to a belief that they can’t, they don’t even try. This creates a self fulfilling prophecy, where the lack of belief leads to an inability to attempt change (or in some cases a half hearted attempt). But this inability to attempt change is the actual driver behind the lack of change.

Learned Helplessness often goes hand in hand with Victim Mentality. This is a learned trait where someone tends to:

  • Blame others for a situation that they have either created or contributed to. They don’t take responsibility for their own role in the situation
  • Assume the worst, incorrectly attributing negative intentions to other people
  • Compare themselves to others, believing that other people are happier than they are

Impacts on Mental Health?

Learned Helplessness and Victims Mentality can have serious consequences. People who exhibit these characteristics generally don’t hold themselves accountable for their actions and decisions. They also tend to have low levels of happiness. More alarming, there is a strong correlation between these and things like clinical depression and mental illness.

Thankfully, because these are learned mindsets they can be corrected. For many psychologists and counselors significant effort is spent trying to correct these negative mindsets and replace them with healthier ones.

Unfortunately studies show that these mindsets and the issues related to them are on the rise. I’ve seen numbers showing anywhere from a tenfold to a thirty-five fold increase in the last two generations.

Here is an interesting quote I found about this (in this case specifically on depression):

There is 10 times more major depression in people born after 1945 than in those born before. This clearly shows that the root cause of most depression is not a chemical imbalance. Human genes do not change that fast.

Let’s re-examine a few of these points:

  • There are significant increases in major/clinical depression and other mental illnesses or disorders. The speed of the increases suggests some sort of cultural or social cause
  • These conditions show a high correlation to characteristics like Learned Helplessness and Victims Mentality. Both of these are learned behaviors, characterized by low levels of happiness and personal accountability

Looking at this makes me wonder about the relationship between personal accountability and issues such as depression. Is it possible that not learning personal accountability predisposes you to future issues? If so, what are some of the societal changes that have led to this shift?

Culture Shift

One possible contributor is that we seem to have become a culture of blame and entitlement. We see this in the legal world, where frivolous lawsuits have become the norm. But we also see it in other aspects of life.

What’s that, little Suzie didn’t do well in school? Well it must be because she has a poor teacher. You aren’t getting the playing time for your sports team? It’s because the coach doesn’t like you. You don’t have a good job? It’s because of the economy. Your relationship fell apart? Well that’s because you and the other person just weren’t compatible.

Where is the sense of ownership? Where is the sense of pride in immersing yourself in something and knowing that your success or failure is largely under your own control?

Accountabilityandblame

Accepting Failure

One possible contributor to this shift is an unreasonable focus on results, or success. There is considerable pressure to “be the best”. One slogan I remember going around (at the Olympics no less) was:

Second place is just the first loser.

I’m all for improving yourself and trying to be the best that you can be, but there is just so much that is wrong with that slogan. It’s always good to have other people to measure yourself against, but what’s more important is how you are improving and growing personally.

One problem with this focus on success and being the best is that is has created a fear of failure. Failure may be disappointing, but it’s a good thing. Failure is the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. It is our reaction to failure that matters. Failure is how we learn.

Is everything going to go your way in life? You think you’re on the Earth and everything you want to happen to you is going to happen to you positively? The measure of who we are is how we react to something that doesn’t go our way. – Greg Popovich

Over Parenting

One additional item that I believe contributes to a lack of accountability is us, and how we parent. The world has changed. Kids no longer get out and play the way they once did. I think back on some of the things I did as a child, and based on today’s approach it’s amazing I’m still alive (and I’m not THAT old). I played, I fell, and I got hurt. A lot. But my cuts and bruises healed, and I got up to play another day.

With two working parents, busy schedules and a perception of a more dangerous world, you don’t see kids out in parks and playgrounds the way they once were. Today many kids are largely in scheduled events. When they are there at the playground at all usually parents are a few feet away, watching to ensure that no one kidnaps them and that their every bump and bruise is attended to. I’m as guilty of this as anyone else. Why do we do this? We do it out of love, and concern for our children.

But in the process we are crippling them. We are removing choice, and removing the ability to fail. They need to fail, they need to learn. With the best of intentions we are stunting their growth.

As hard as it is to do, sometimes if you love someone the best thing to do is sit back and let them make their own mistakes. Let them fail. Pick your moments though (something like learning to swim is perhaps not the best time).
Ask yourself this, when we try to do everything for your children what are we really teaching them?

Taking Ownership

One of the most influential people in my life was my Grandmother. One thing that sticks with me from her was a story she would tell. She admired her father greatly, and would often seek his opinion on things. When she asked him about something he would respond “I know what I think, but what do you think?” This has always resonated with me. If someone asks your opinion and you give advice on what you would do, you are taking ownership of their issue. Maybe a better approach is to coach them, and help guide them to find their own solutions.

Accountability

Catch yourself when you are in denial, blaming, justifying or acting out of shame or obligation. Take ownership of your own life. Accept that no matter what your situation and influences are, the only person who can control you is you. The right choice is not always the easy choice. But as a buddy of mine always says:

It’s never too late to make the right decision

Dealing with Conflict

Posted in Communication, Communication Issues, Conflict, couples, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help, Relationships by

tugofwar

Conflict. The very term can trigger somewhat of an anxiety response. So what exactly is it? When I look up a definition of conflict I see terms like the following:

Serious disagreement, clash, fight, battle, struggle, collision and incompatibility.

Wow, no wonder the thought of conflict can make us anxious – all those words make it seem antagonistic! But is that really what conflict is?

I think conflict in personal relationships simply means two people disagree on something. It may not even be a disagreement, and rather is one or both people feeling as though they are not being heard.

One thing about people is that we aren’t the same. In any interpersonal relationship there are different personalities and differences of opinion, and as a result we WILL have conflict. Why is this bad? It’s a natural part of interpersonal relationships, so why do we hide it and have a hard time dealing with it?

We have a hard time dealing with conflict because we have this notion that it is a bad thing, and because of that we don’t have positive ways of dealing with it.

Ask yourself truthfully, how do you deal with conflict and how did you learn the approach you take? It is one of the most important skills that we can have, but dealing with conflict also happens to be one of the things we do the worst job of. In fact many of us never develop the skills needed for dealing with conflict.

I’m pretty sure there are conflict resolution classes, but those are likely attended by people like negotiators and human resources managers (I’m guessing here, as I’m neither). Shouldn’t dealing with conflict be a fundamental skill? We all deal with it continually in our lives, so why don’t we learn it? Why isn’t it a part of the curriculum, right up there with Math and English?

Conflict Avoidance

One approach I’ve seen to conflict is avoiding it altogether. I suspect this stems from the belief that conflict is an indicator of problems, which is perceived as a bad thing. For perfectionists problems aren’t acceptable as they violate that perfection. Maintaining an outward appearance of perfection is important, so problems are ignored. After all, we ALL know that if you pretend that something isn’t there eventually it will just go away (that was sarcasm by the way, just in case you weren’t clear).

There are all sorts of issues with this approach. First, nothing is perfect. Problems will arise, but this is actually positive as they are how we learn and grow. By denying the existence of problems in your relationship you are actually stunting its growth. Getting issues out in the open and dealing with them is what allows you to improve and your relationships to thrive.

Additionally, if you hold everything in you don’t have a release valve. If you continually brush things under the carpet pretending they aren’t there, eventually that carpet gets really bumpy and it gets hard to even walk on. If things are never addressed, this becomes the perfect recipe for resentment (which is up there with jealousy as one of the most corrosive emotions to a relationship).

The Need to Win

On the opposite end of the spectrum are people who seem to enjoy conflict and see it as a competition or a battle of wills. For these people there is a need to “win”, and conflict becomes a power struggle that is more about dominance and control than the issue at hand. There’s one big problem with winning though. If you always need to win, in the long term you are going to lose.

Every relationship has a more dominant personality, and that personality tends to be the one who drive things. But there needs to be some balance. The less dominant person needs to feel engaged and feel like they are part of the team. They need to know they are being heard and their opinions are valued. If that doesn’t happen? Guess what, you’ve got another breeding ground for resentment – yay!!! The constant need to be right and control will end up driving the other person away.

Finding a Balance

Both avoidance and dominance are really about control, and both are equally damaging to relationships. To approach conflict in a healthy way you need to find some balance between these approaches. It’s difficult to say exactly what that balance should look like, and I find most people tend to lean one way or another.

Personally I lean towards avoidance. I tell myself that I just pick my battles and that I will fight for the things I really believe in. And that’s true. But I also I don’t do conflict very well. The good thing is I realize that, and know that it’s something I need to work on.

In his book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Dr. John Gottman states that the frequency with which people fight doesn’t say anything about their chances at marital success. What important is *how* they fight. So there must be better and worse ways of dealing conflict.

Finding A Better Way

In university I took Philosophy classes. A big part of Philosophy was trying to look at things logically, and objectively. We would look at different topics, often emotionally charged ones like abortion and the existence of God; and we would have to put our own feelings aside in order to present logical arguments both for and against something. It was a ton of fun, and really – who doesn’t love Epistemology?

I think the approach of trying to look at things analytically is positive (in most cases) and puts you in the best position to make decisions. There’s just one problem though…

We aren’t robots, and we do have emotions. And sometimes those emotions can override everything.

Emotional Flooding

Have you ever heard of emotional flooding? Here’s a description of it (from this site) in the context of conflict in a relationship:

Emotional flooding is the term given to the feelings of one partner who are so overwhelmed by their partner’s perceived negativity and their own reaction to it that they become swamped by dreadful and intense feelings.

Any person who is engaged in and experiencing emotional flooding cannot hear without distortion or respond with clarity in a dispassionate way. They find it hard to organize their thinking and they instead fall back on primitive reactions. They just want things to stop, or want to run or, sometimes, to strike back. They react and do not relate.

I think we have all experienced this feeling at one time or another, but it becomes a major issue when it happens with regularity. For many anxiety sufferers this sort of emotional flooding is a part of everyday life.

If someone is experiencing emotional flooding any sort of rational attempts at dealing with conflict are gone, and you run the risk of having things escalate. Because of this it is important to recognize when this is happening, as there is no point continuing a discussion.

Conflict Agreements

A few weeks back I attended a conference and went to a workshop on team building. One of the ideas presented was that many successful teams have formalized rules for handling conflict. I think this idea of a “conflict agreement” makes sense in any frequent interpersonal relationships (such as the one with your partner). The idea is that you come up with an agreed upon approach for handling conflict together.

For example, you may agree that you will always get all issues out in the open, but acknowledge that if things are escalating either of you can say something like “I know we need to discuss this, but I’m having a hard time dealing with this right now. Let’s stop here and pick this up later”. The key to making this work is that you have to have some rules about what “later” means. I recommend that you agree to pick things up in a few hours if possible, and never let anything go for more than 24 hours.

When approaching any sort of issues, remember to focus on the point. Your goal should be to get issues out in the open to try to improve mutual understanding and ensuring that you are heard. It is important to not make things personal and to be conscious of “how” you approach conflict.

I can’t speak for all relationships, but I suspect people will be more receptive to something like “when you did X, it made me feel Y” than “you are an inconsiderate jerk”. When John Gottman talked about “how” people fight, a big part of it was softening your approach and de-escalating. There is a significant difference between constructive criticism and plain old complaining.

When you are the person on the receiving end, remember that this isn’t (or shouldn’t be) an attack on you personally. It’s very easy to hear “you did something wrong” and interpret it as “you are a bad person”. Remember, it may have been hard enough for someone to raise an issue with you. Try not to perceive it as an attack, and instead treat conflict as an opportunity to learn and improve.

Continuous Improvement

Dealing with conflict is a skill like any other. It can be developed and improved over time, with practice. And guess what – you’re going to have plenty of opportunities to practice. If you claim that you don’t have conflict in your interpersonal relationships, there’s a pretty good chance you have a really lumpy carpet.

We need to stop thinking of conflict as a negative, and instead view it as a way of improving mutual understanding. When dealing with conflict remember the point. Think of what really matters and check your ego at the door. Be willing to compromise, and don’t keep score. And lastly, be willing to apologize and admit when you are wrong (guys, I know that last part can be hard).

The more you can improve your communication skills and deal with conflict in a positive manner, the healthier you relationships will be.

Relationships and Possession

Posted in Communication, Communication Issues, couples, Happiness, Love, Relationship Help, Relationships by

possessiveness

I read a fair number of relationship articles and blogs, and one thing that I see again and again is that women don’t like it when men become possessive. Um, yeah. That seems like it should be fairly obvious (women do this too, but men seem to be bigger jerks about it).

The word possession implies ownership, and no one likes to think of themselves as property. Plus when you hear stories about it, they are commonly accompanied by stories of someone trying to control the other person. That seems like bad news all around.

Then I got thinking, don’t we all kind of think of our partners as “ours”? We don’t necessarily think of them as our property, but think of some of the things you’ll see on cards:

ImYoursYourMine

I’m yours? You’re mine? Those terms are actually kind of creepy when you think about it. We use them as terms of endearment, and they need to go both ways. But it does seem like there’s a degree of ownership there.

Are Relationships Possessive?

So are committed relationships inherently possessive? I don’t think so. I believe they are built on commitment and trust (which go hand in hand). But this commitment and trust NEEDS to be mutual. For you to truly commit to someone you have to believe you can trust them, and you must also believe they are committed to you.

Fear

Have you ever thought about fear? Fear is largely a learned emotion. There are instances where fear is believed to be innate and related to perception (there’s a classic study with babies and “visual cliffs” that you can read about here). But by and large fear is a defense mechanism that develops when we experience things that we come to recognize as threats.

As we learn that things are threats, these threats elicit the fear response, accompanied by physiological changes such as increased heart rate, breathing and potentially shortness of breath. Here’s a Wikipedia link to it if you want to learn more (it’s pretty fascinating stuff when you think about it).

So fear is a good thing. It’s a rational response to a perceived threat, and is one of nature’s built in ways of protecting us.

Anxiety

Fear is rational, however it can also become irrational. When this happens it moves into the realm of phobias and anxiety. Everyone has their own phobias (spiders creep me out). Anxiety is more subversive though, because it is like the fear of fear. It’s irrational, but seems very rational to the person experiencing it.

I have plans to write more on Anxiety in the future, but for now I’ll just steal a somewhat amusing description from a book I read on it (paraphrasing as I don’t have the book handy).

Imagine you are on an African safari, and you are sleeping in a tent on the savannah. You hear a noise and wake up and you suddenly worry that it may be a lion, and you may be eaten by a lion. That is fear.

Now imagine you are sitting at a bar in New York. You hope to one day go on an African safari, and suddenly you find yourself experiencing the physiological fear responses because you believe that if you go you may be eaten by a lion. That is anxiety.

Anxiety is more complex than that and I don’t mean to downplay the seriousness of it. But generally anxiety is an irrational response to perceived threat, situation or even future situation.

Perceived Threat

Alright, so you may be wondering what the heck all of this has to do with relationships, commitment and possessiveness.

If you are in a truly loving, committed relationship with another person, then you are in a position of mutual trust and respect. When your partner is out you don’t even think about it as you trust them implicitly.

Fear is learned though, so if you have been hurt or betrayed by someone close to you before then it is a natural defense mechanism for you to experience fear if you perceive a threat to the relationship through your partners actions or behaviors.

When people start to feel threatened in relationships it can cause them to either pull away, or start to hold on too tight. Jealousy is fear that you are losing the relationship to someone else, and it can turn into control and possessiveness as someone is trying to hold on and try to regain some control over the relationship they feel they are losing.

Rational and Irrational Fear

When it is based on tangible evidence, Jealousy can be a rational fear response. There are all sorts of warning signs when a relationship has taken a negative turn, and you can usually “feel” the shift. You know something has changed. Counselors will often tell you to trust your instincts on these things, and that if you feel something is wrong you are probably right.

But what if it’s really an irrational fear response? People who are insecure or who have been hurt in the past are more likely to experience this. They are more likely to be hyper vigilant for any sign of threat to the relationship, and run the risk of perceiving threat when it’s not actually there.

Love and Trust

Jealousy can be a normal reaction to things, and I believe even the most emotionally secure of us have felt it at one point in time or another. But whether it’s rational or not, jealousy is still very corrosive to a relationship.

Relationships aren’t based on possession and control They are based on commitment and trust, and jealousy involves a breakdown of these. This is one of the many reasons communication is so important in relationships.

We all will do things to hurt our partners from time to time (hopefully inadvertently). But it’s important that we don’t let things fester and grow. We all have our own insecurities, and being honest and upfront about those insecurities is important. Get issues out in the open. If your partner understands the ways you have been hurt in the past then they may be more conscious of things that could be seen as threats by you.

One of the dangers of being hurt is that it can cause us to build up walls to “protect ourselves” from being hurt again. But those very walls that we build up are also likely to be the things that push people away from us. To truly love, you need to let those walls come down. It’s not easy, but you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable to being hurt again.

And you may be. Life has no guarantees. You may be hurt again, and love may break down. But possessive behavior won’t help anything. The simple fact is, you can’t control someone else and you can’t make them love you. The only one you have control over is yourself. There’s a line from a U2 song that says:

You can hold onto something so tight, you’ve already lost it

Being possessive and trying to control won’t help anything; it will just push someone further away. Try to operate from trust instead of fear. If you believe someone is violating that trust then communicate. It may just have been your own insecurities and irrational fear. And if it was a legitimate breach of trust, it may be a situation you are better off getting out of.

Setting Goals

Posted in Communication, couples, Happiness, Identity, Life, Love, Relationship Help, Relationships by

Goals

Have you ever seen the Pixar movie Up? It’s a great movie and in my opinion it was the last of the great Pixar films. Seriously, if you love movies look at the films Pixar released prior to that. Monsters Inc, Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, Cars, Ratatouille and WALL-E. These weren’t just “kids movies”. Sure they had cute colorful characters and funny moments; but they also dealt with serious topics and had a lot of heart.

Even from Pixar Up was unique. It was about an old man who is stubbornly holding on to his house, his last connection to a wife who died years ago. When he’s about to be evicted and sent to a seniors home he embarks on the adventure he had always dreamed of.

The opening sequence of the movie really stands out for me. In it you see two children meet due to a shared love of adventure. They fall in love, get married and start a life together with the dreams of the trip they will take. But “life” keeps getting in the way, and find that they are never able to achieve their dream together. I’ve seen Up a few times now, and that opening sequence still makes me cry like a baby. Laugh if you want, I don’t care. I’m secure in who I am. You can check out most of the opening sequence here. If that doesn’t move you in some way then sorry, you’re either a robot or an alien.

Part of the reason Up resonated with me is because of my own grandfather, and my memories of the last time I saw him. That night we sat in his kitchen talking about all sorts of things, and the topic of traveling came up. My grandfather was a very religious man, and he told me he had always dreamed of seeing Vatican City. I hadn’t known that, but honestly I didn’t know very much about him. It’s amazing how people can be part of our lives yet we can know so little about them. He was my grandfather and that was how I knew him. Sadly, I really didn’t know much about my grandfather the man.

At the time I didn’t know that would be the last day I ever saw him, but he passed away a few days later. That last conversation has stuck with me, and I can still picture how wistful he was that night for dreams never achieved and opportunities lost. There are always defining moments in your life that shape you, and that was one of mine.

Dreams

The capacity to dream is one of the things that differentiates humanity from other animals. It allows us to have science, art and culture.

Everyone has dreams. We all have things that we want to see, do, and accomplish; and a bucket list is really just a list of things that we want to do in our lifetime.

In the early days of a relationship, sharing of bucket lists is often part of the process of getting to know the other person and finding out if the two of you are a good fit. It helps build connection, as there is intimacy in opening ourselves up to another person and letting them in to our hopes and dreams. And when those hopes and dreams seem to align, it makes it easy to imagine a future with the other person. After all, you want the same things and are on the same path. So why not do it together?

Dreams vs Goals

There is a difference between dreams and goals though, and sharing similar dreams does not mean you have similar goals.

A friends marriage broke down a few years back, and when I talked to her about what had happened one of her biggest disappointments was she felt her husband had no ambition. When they first met they shared their hopes and dreams, and she had visions of the future they would share. But as the years went by she felt it was all talk, as he didn’t actually do anything or take any action to achieve those dreams.

I knew the guy fairly well, and he did have dreams. But it’s easy to have dreams, and it’s easy to have a bucket list. What isn’t easy is prioritizing those dreams and making them happen. Goals are based on dreams. The difference is that they are something you are actively working towards, and you have planned out a way to make them happen.

Goal-Setting-300x224

One thing many people don’t seem to understand about goals is that they don’t just happen on their own. They involve planning and sacrifice. In order to achieve something you generally have to give something else up. It may be time, money, or other opportunities, but you can’t have everything.

As an individual it is important that you have goals, as they show you have initiative. When you go for a job interview one of the most common questions interviewers ask is where you see yourself in 2-5 years. Often they don’t really care *what* your answer is. They are simply looking for proof that you have a vision for yourself and where you want to go.

Planning Together

In a relationship one of the most rewarding things you can do is not only sharing dreams, but sharing goals and working towards them together.

It’s very easy to get caught up in the daily routines of life, so it is important to have both long and short term goals (like the 2 & 5 year plans that interviewers ask) as both an individual and a couple to look forward to.

Is there a big trip you want to do? A house? Renovations on the existing place? Courses you want to take? As I mentioned earlier, you can’t have everything. All of this stuff involves a commitment of both time and money. You need to prioritize which ones are most important to you (both individually and as a couple) and come up with a plan on how you will go about achieving these goals.

If there are individual goals for you or your partner that are a priority it’s important that you support each other in those goals, because it’s just as important for each of you to grow as individuals as it is to grow as a couple. You should have periodic checkpoints where you talk about these goals and see how you are doing, or if there is anything you want to change.

Knowing that you are working towards both your individual and common goals together shows commitment to the future. It also helps build and strengthen the connection you share. And accomplishing goals together builds experiences that you can never take away.

Be Flexible

One reminder about goals is that life is unpredictable. An unexpected pregnancy, a lost job, a broken relationship. Any number of things can happen to you that can completely derail your long and short term plans. Life throws curveballs at you, and you need to adjust accordingly.

In the movie Up the couple never was able to make their trip together, and not achieving that dream filled the main character with a sense of loss. They had a photo album that they planned on filling with the pictures and memories of the trip they never took. Near the end of the movie there is a beautiful moment where the husband looks in the photo album and realizes his wife has filled it with pictures of their life. They didn’t have the adventure they expected, but their life together was their adventure.

My grandfather never made it to Vatican City, he never achieved that dream. At the end he had regrets about it, but what would he have traded? I honestly don’t know, but I would like to think nothing. I like to think he gave that up because he prioritized other things, and he was happy with the decisions he made in his life.

So set goals. Dream together and plan together. And no matter what life throws at you, do it together.

When is it too late?

Posted in Happiness, Life, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help, Relationships by

crossroads1

Relationships will always run into troubles. They are an unavoidable outcome of two different personalities working together. Traditional wedding vows even come with that warning built in. When your commitment is supposed to be “in good times and in bad”, the implication is that bad times will exist. We all know this intuitively. But sometimes the bad times can overshadow the good times, threatening the relationship.

Think of your relationship as a bank account. A while back I posted something about a marriage box, but a bank account works better because it can hold a negative balance. All the good moments in your relationship are deposits into the “Relationship Satisfaction” account, while the bad moments are withdrawals.

Good times act as a buffer against bad times, and ideally your account “balance” always stays positive. During hard times your account may run into a negative balance, and it’s normal for this to happen occasionally. But if the account is in the negative for extended periods then some sort of action is required.

Maybe the account owners can take a good look at how they got there and come up with a plan to get out of the hole together. Maybe they want to get out of the hole but are having a hard time doing it so they need to bring in outside help to come up with a plan. But sometimes the only recourse seems to be declaring bankruptcy.

When your relationship is in a critical spot you may find yourself wondering if it’s possible to save the relationship, or if it’s too late. If this happens, it’s time for some serious reflection.

Reflect

Before making any decisions it is a good idea to reflect on where you are and how you got there. The saying “those who don’t learn from the past are doomed to repeat it” is very true.

What are the problems? Can you identify the issues that are causing conflict for the two of you? Often the surface problems are really only symptoms of deeper issues, and it can be difficult to look at a situation impartially when you are emotionally invested in it.

If you are having difficulty identifying the issues then try to focus on the good. There has to be at least some good, or you wouldn’t be together. So what has been good? What have you learned? Is there anything that you would do differently if given the chance, and if so is it too late to do that?

One of the many challenges long term relationships face is that it is natural for people to drift apart over time. Caught early enough this can be an opportunity for a couple to throw out what hasn’t been working, and strengthen their bond for a better future. But sometimes it is caught too late and it marks the end of the relationship.

Things to think about

In addition to reflecting on the specifics of your relationship there are a few other things that are important to consider.

Statistically, first marriages are the most successful with divorce rates rising considerably for second and third marriages (I haven’t seen stats on non married long term relationships, but I suspect the numbers are similar).

I found this surprising. I expected people learning from their mistakes and wanting to “be better” next time to result in improved marital odds the second time around. So why is that not the case? The main reason is that a marriage is about more than just the two people in the relationship. They are the key players, but additional factors act as the glue holding a relationship together.

Children (if present) are the biggest one. But even in the absence of children there are things like families, joint friends and shared history. In leaving the relationship you are often leaving behind much more than just the other person, and that can be very difficult. Obviously the length of the relationship plays a big factor here, but in subsequent long term relationships this glue that holds people together is often weaker.

Another important point is, the reasons the first relationship failed often impact the success of future relationships. Frequently people who can’t make a first marriage succeed fail at future relationships because they are either looking for something that doesn’t exist, or they bring the same baggage that destroyed their first marriage into subsequent relationships.

Statistically speaking your first marriage is really your best shot, so it’s important to make it count.

Moving on

If you decide to move on, it’s important that you understand why you are moving on. What do you hope to change? What do you hope will be different next time?

One thing I would strongly recommend is that you leave the relationship on it’s own merits (or lacktherof), and not because you already have another relationship lined up, or because you have started another relationship already. Too often people it seems people stay in a situation where they weren’t happy only because there is nothing better available, and then they leave when something “better” comes along.

There are countless stories of people who leave a relationship for something new only to wake up six months to a year later and realize they made a mistake. If you have entered another relationship or have one waiting in the wings, you can’t fairly judge your current situation.

Don’t expect the next relationship to be “better”. It may be, but chances are you contributed to the demise of your current. So take a look at yourself and see what you can do better next time, and use this as an opportunity to grow as a person. If you bring the same baggage in, you will often end up with a similar result.

When a relationship ends there are hurt feelings, and often a period of grieving is needed. It’s natural to need to vent and want to lash out, but try not to cast your ex in a negative light. Treat the relationship as a chapter in your life. You once cared deeply about each other, so try not to let the hurt override the fact that you did have good times.

And remember that giving up doesn’t mean you are weak. Sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.

Rebuilding

In order to rebuild, both people have to truly want it. If two people still love each other then it’s never really too late to rebuild a relationship. Anything can be worked out. But rebuilding is often the hardest path.

If you need to rebuild, then there have obviously been issues that have put your relationship in jeopardy. But in order to move forward together, you have to let it go. This doesn’t mean you forget about something and pretend it never happened. You must address it, forgive, and be willing to start fresh.

I can’t recall where I found this passage, but it says it beautifully:

Forgiveness is the only way to heal your emotional wounds. Forgive those who hurt you no matter what they’ve done because you don’t want to hurt yourself every time you remember what they did. When you can touch a wound and it doesn’t hurt, then you know you have truly forgiven.

In rebuilding, you will need to redefine your relationship and the future will be different from the past. It has to be. Years of established patterns can be hard to break, so it is likely best to find a skilled counsellor to help you find a new path forward together.

Rebuilding is very difficult. But it can also be very rewarding to know that you were able to persevere and stick together when times were the hardest.

Making a decision

So when is it too late to save a relationship? There’s really no magic formula, and no right or wrong answer to that question.

The one thing I will say though is that if your relationship is at a crisis point, the worst thing you can do is nothing. If you recognize there is a serious problem you can’t just ignore it and hope that it will pass. Problems don’t solve themselves, and they don’t go away on their own. You need to either roll up your sleeves and go to work as a couple, or accept that the relationship has ended and move on with the process of healing.

Whatever decision you make, the fun part is that you will never know if it was the right one. But you can’t let yourself dwell on that. Don’t ask yourself if there was anything more that you could have done, because there always will be. Instead ask yourself if you have done enough.

Life will work out

Life is a journey, and most of us hope we can find that special someone to share our journey with. But your journey is exactly that, yours. It’s a personal journey, and there is no single correct path.

We can’t know the future, and there are no guarantees in life. You will never know if the decision you made was the “right” one or not. The only thing you can ever say is that it was the right one for you at the time that you made it.

In the words of James Mercer (of the Broken Bells):


But I’ve been turned around
I was upside down
I thought love would always find a way
But I know better now
Got it figured out
It’s a perfect world all the same

It IS a perfect world.  It’s complicated, and broken, and perfect all at once.  Life doesn’t always work out the way you expected it to, but that’s alright, because it WILL work out. You only have one life, so make the best of it.