Category Archives: Identity

Accountability Part 1 – Responsibility

Posted in Communication, Conflict, Happiness, Identity, Individuality, Life, Relationships, Self-Improvement by

Responsibility

When you think of someone who is “responsible”, what is the first thing that comes to mind? Often someone who is responsible is seen as someone who is stable, and has their stuff together. They have a decent job (that they have been able to hold), they have a plan, and they are dependable.

Sometimes being responsible is seen as the opposite of being a dreamer. Dreamers live for the moment, while responsible people live a few steps ahead, and are less likely to throw caution to the wind.
But is responsibility really just about stability, structure and planning? Can’t a dreamer also be responsible?

Responsibility Process

I recently came across an approach to looking at responsibility that makes a lot of sense to me. In it, responsibility is defined as a mental process, whereby you own your ability and power to create, choose, and attract.

The idea behind the responsibility process is that there are different stages of behaviors that can culminate in responsibility.

This process starts with Denial, and then moves to Blame, Justification, Shame, Obligation, and finally Responsibility. Each of these stages represents a mode of thinking, and I’m sure every single one of us has operated from each of these modes at one point in time or another (I know I have).

Life is easy when things are going well, and these behaviors usually arise in response to some form of problem or stresses.

The first three, denial, blame and justification are easy to explain. In these, rather than taking any sort of ownership we are deflecting the issue away from us. In denial there is no problem. In blame the problem is seen, but it’s not “my” problem, it’s someone else’s. And in justification I only partially accept that it’s my problem. I am saying that yes, it’s my problem – but there are a number of reasons as to “why” it happened (and these reasons somehow absolve me of any blame).

Arrow SIgns - Not My Fault Shifting Blame

Shame and obligation are where I think things get really interesting. According to the responsibility process, acting from a state of shame or obligation is almost worse than the previous three. This is because in the first three you are deflecting an issue away from yourself, while for these two you are taking partial ownership. With shame or obligation, you feel as though you are being compelled to do something by some external force. When this happens you are liable to build up resentment that you “have to” do something. Doing something from a state of shame or obligation is fine occasionally, but if it is a common state for you then are liable to give up or quit.

The responsibility process is explained as follows:

When something goes wrong large or small (for example, lost keys or a lost retirement account), The Responsibility Process kicks in. The mind offers Lay Blame as a reason. If you accept blame as a sufficient reason, then you will act on that blame. If you don’t accept it, then your mind offers you an excuse (Justify). And so on. Thus taking personal responsibility is a step-wise process of refusing to act on a series of irresponsible thoughts that your mind offers up.

The Responsibility Mindset

It’s easy to be responsible when things are going well, but this responsibility process is something that largely happens in times of stress, or when things have gone wrong. So how does one shift from operating from a state of shame or obligation to a state of responsibility? Basically it’s all about mindset.

In all aspects of life there are things we “have to do” even though we may not want to, and the attitude you bring into these things is very important. It’s very easy to approach these “have to” moments from a state of obligation, but as noted above doing so runs the risk of building up resentment.

The change in your mindset from obligation to responsibility is subtle, but it’s very important. In both cases you “have to do something”. But in obligation you have to do it because you are being forced to, or because you are trying to meet some sort of external expectations. With a mindset of responsibility these expectations have been internalized. It’s no longer because someone else expects you to do something, it’s because YOU expect yourself to do it. And you expect yourself to do it because you see it as required or believe it is the right thing to do at the time.

The early states of the responsibility process (denial, blame, justification, shame and obligation) are reactionary, almost primal responses. They are also very “me” focused; only seeing a situation in terms of how it affects you personally. Operating from responsibility is different in that it is a conscious decision. Operating from this state requires three things:

  1. Intention – Intending to respond from Responsibility when things go wrong.
  2. Awareness – Catching yourself in the mental states of Denial, Lay Blame, Justify, Shame, Obligation, and Quit.
  3. Confront – Facing yourself to see what is true that you can learn, correct, or improve

Being responsible is a conscious process. You “choose” to act and respond in a certain way. You may later find out that the decision you made wasn’t a good one, but owning that decision is an act of responsibility.

responsibility-the-ability-to-choose-your-response

The “Have To’s”

To illustrate the responsibility process, let’s walk through it with a simple example. Imagine you are a parent, and your child has filled their diaper:

Denial. You can always pretend that the diaper hasn’t been filled (and hope that someone else notices and changes your child for you). But the other person may do that too, and eventually the wonderful aroma will become too much to bear. More importantly, your child will be uncomfortable and crying will probably start (it could be yours or thiers).

Blame and Justification. You can blame your child for filling their diaper, but that won’t change anything. And you may try justifying things (I shouldn’t have to change him/her, I did it last time!!!), but what does that really accomplish? The child will still be uncomfortable, and still need to be changed.

Shame and Obligation. Here you decide that yes, you will change the diaper. But you don’t “want” to do it. You’re only doing it because you have to. Are you going to get resentful with your child? Some parents actually do, and over time this can lead to things like child abuse. But those cases are fairly extreme, and hopefully rare.

Responsibility. This is the natural course of action for your mind to take. You still probably don’t “want” to change the diaper. But you recognize that the diaper has been filled, the child is uncomfortable and incapable of changing themselves. Plus you care about your child and recognize that the diaper simply needs to be changed, so you do it.

In this scenario I suspect that most of us would automatically operate from a position of responsibility. In times of high stress we may slip back into some of the other stages temporarily, but we change the diaper anyhow because it is the right thing to do. It’s an easy choice.

Many of life’s “have to’s” fall into this category. Going to work every day? You don’t always want to and you may have days you are resentful. You may even have a few “sick” days that are actually mental health days. But going to work is something that we have to do.

Making Choices

The examples above are easy ones. But now consider something like your relationship.

What if your partner loves ballet while you don’t, and they periodically ask you to go with them? In a prior post I mentioned that it’s positive for your relationship if you can show some interest in their interests, as it’s a way for you to show interest and caring for them.

You may prefer that they find a friend with some interest in the ballet to go with, but there may be times that you “have to” go with them. What attitude do you bring into those times? If you attend the ballet out of a sense of obligation, you may go in expecting to hate it, and see it as wasted time where you could be doing something else that you enjoy more.

Perhaps a better (and more responsible) approach is to see it as an opportunity to share something with your partner that is special to them. In both cases you “had to” do something. But in one case you owned the decision to attend.

Choosing Responsibility

No one is always responsible. When faced with challenges and stresses the default is for us to respond with the lower level states – denial, blame, justification, shame and obligation. That’s normal, and common. And honestly, sometimes it’s a lot easier to stay in those states. But it’s also not healthy.

If you find that you are frequently angry or resentful, then think of this process. Think of something you are upset about, and ask yourself where you fall on this scale. Are you blaming? Justifying behavior that at least a part of you knows is wrong? Are you doing things due to shame or obligation? All of these things can lead to resentment, and anger. Which of course leads to hate, which leads to the dark side of the force (ummm, wrong movie)…

In seriousness though, resentment and anger are some of the most toxic emotions you can have. So being able to switch from a mindset of obligation to one of responsibility is very important to both your own health, and the health of your relationships.

I’m not suggesting that anyone should always have to do something. If you find that you are constantly doing things because you feel obligated to, ask yourself if you really “have to” do it. Can you simply say no? Don’t be afraid to set boundaries and say no sometimes. But if you truly “have to” do something then there’s a reason for it. Try approaching it from a framework of responsibility, and you will probably be happier and healthier for it in the long run.

What Does a “Real Person” Look Like?

Posted in Beauty, Happiness, Identity, Individuality, Lifestyle, Love by

barbie-proportions

If you’re a regular at thezombieshuffle, you know that I’m a big proponent of accepting yourself for who you are, while always striving for self-improvement. At first glance those two concepts may seem contradictory. If you accept yourself for who you are why should you strive to be something more? Rather than being contradictory, I see them as complementary.

By accepting yourself, I mean that it’s important to truly be able to love yourself for who you are, as you are. The person you are today may not be perfect, but you are “enough”. This doesn’t however mean you can’t improve, and strive to be something more. And in fact I think we should always strive to improve ourselves in all aspects of life. Saying you are enough simply means you are measuring your self-worth against who you actually are, instead of some ideal of who you believe you should be. It’s saying I don’t NEED to be more to be worthy of love and acceptance by myself and others. I am worthy of love and acceptance as I am right now.

Body Image

In order to accept yourself for who you are you need to be able to accept all of yourself for who you are. But when we look in the mirror, we don’t see our hearts and souls – we see our bodies. Think of our bodies, and our ideas of beauty for a moment.

People magazine has an annual “sexiest man alive” issue. Over the past few years the winners were Adam Levine, Channing Tatum, Bradley Cooper, Ryan Renolds, Johnny Depp, Hugh Jackman, Matt Damon and George Clooney. In 1989 it was Sean Connery, who was 60 at the time. That list has considerable diversity among both age and body type.

Now look at the equivalent for women. Esquire has a “sexiest woman alive” list, and over the past few years they have Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis, Rihanna, Minka Kelly, Kate Beckinsale, Halle Berry and Charlize Theron. The women all seem to be between their early 20’s and early 30’s, and they all share a similar body type. The cover photos of the women are much more sexualized, with greater focus on their… shall we say “physical attributes”. The mold women need to fit to meet the standard of beauty seems very rigid. Let’s face it, you sure don’t see any 60 year old women on that list. Why not? Why is age fine for men, but not for women?

In most movies or TV shows, if there is a female character that is supposed to be “ugly” they are always someone who is beautiful by most standards. They just have less makeup, or are dressed in frumpy or quirky clothes.
If you think about age, in movies it is so common to see an older male protagonist with a much younger woman that you don’t really notice it. But if an older woman is with a younger man then it’s likely some sort of plot device. Older men are seen as “distinguished”, while older women are just seen as old.

Seeing all this, I have to admit sometimes I’m really glad I am a guy. I can only image how hard it is for a woman to constantly be bombarded with this sort of media imaging of what is beautiful, and how it must impact their self image.

You are More Beautiful Than You Think

A few years back, Dove had an ad campaign that touched on body image issues for women. In one ad women sat down with a police forensic artist who couldn’t see them, and he drew them based on how they described themselves.

Afterwards the women left and a second drawing of the person was done based on the descriptions provided by a person who had met them in the lobby.

The women tended to be critical of themselves, while the person who had met them in the lobby was more inclined to be positive in their descriptions of the woman. As shown the in commercial, the second drawing depicted the woman in a more flattering light (and also seemed more accurate). At the end of the ad, after seeing the two different pictures of her one woman noted:

We spend a lot of time as women analyzing and trying to fix the things that aren’t quite right, and we should spend more time appreciating the things we do like.

Body Transformation

Thinking of this unrealistic standard of beauty and negative body image reminds me of a mini controversy that erupted on social media a while back. An extremely fit mother of three posted a photo of herself in workout gear with her children, and a heading at the top that said “What’s your excuse?”

When it happened there was an outcry of people who felt that her image was an example of body shaming, and people saying that she didn’t represent what “real people” look like. Things took a nasty turn as photos of obese people started circulating social media in response with headings like “Is this what a real person looks like?”

It ended up making national news, and there was an ABC News interview where she said:

No matter how many children you have, especially when you’re working and trying to maintain your shape, you don’t have to lose yourself in becoming a mother. You can still maintain a sense of self physically and professionally. If I can do it, you can do it.

I think that instead of using “What’s your excuse” she probably should have used something like “You can do it too”. But part of me agrees with her. You CAN do it. Heck, I can do it too (though I may look somewhat ridiculous in a sports bra). You own your life, and make your own decisions. If you want changes in your life, the only way to do it is by taking ownership and making changes on your own.

So yes, you can get in great shape. But guess what? It requires work, time, and effort. And you have to ask yourself, what do you have to give up? What are your priorities?

What Do You Want?

If you want to get into better shape, stop and ask yourself WHY you want to get into better shape. What do you hope to accomplish? Be introspective and honest here. Are you trying to fit an arbitrary mold of beauty?

If so, let me give you perhaps a different perspective on body image. A buddy of mine plays competitive volleyball, and to keep playing as he has aged, he had a workout routine tailored to his needs. He made a comment to me that made a lot of sense. He said it was more important that he had functional muscles for what he wanted to do with his life than it was to have the sort of muscles that would attract attention in a bar.

We aren’t all competitive athletes, but the same idea applies. Instead of comparing yourself to fashion models and movie stars, ask yourself what are the things you enjoy doing? Travelling? Swimming? Bike riding? Softball? Keeping up with your children? Going for walks in the park? Are you able to do the things that you enjoy, or does your body and your physical conditioning hamper your ability to do these things? I think THAT should be the most important thing. Not trying to fit the mold of what society says is beautiful.

There are health risks associated with being overweight, so from a health perspective alone it is important to take care of yourself. But how your body “looks” isn’t necessarily an indicator of the sort of shape you are in. I’ve seen people with heavier builds power through high intensity aerobic classes while thinner and more “fit looking” people struggled to keep up.

Accepting yourself

Going back to what I said at the beginning, we all need to accept ourselves for who we are. That doesn’t mean giving up, or saying that I can’t get “better”. But we shouldn’t measure ourselves against the current standard of beauty. It’s also important to remember that your beauty starts from the inside, not the outside. There are many men and women whose outward appearance may be beautiful, while inside they are anything but.

Although we all do this, it’s best not to compare ourselves to others. There are different body types out there, and that’s fine. I won’t pretend to speak for all guys, but based on a sample of myself and a sizable group of male friends, I have to tell you ladies there isn’t a single mold of what is beautiful. People are all different, and just as our personalities are different so are the characteristics that we find attractive. Instead of trying to be someone else, strive to be the best “you” that you can be.

So what does a real person look like? You see them every day. Your neighbor, your best friend, your co-worker, and most of all you. We are all real people.

The Pursuit of Happiness

Posted in Happiness, Identity, Individuality, Life, Relationships by

happiness

Are you happy? We all want to be happy, and we are all deserving of happiness.

Previously I’ve touched on what I believe happiness is. Unfortunately, happiness is not like a switch, where you are either happy or you aren’t. It’s more like a sliding scale where you can fall anywhere on the spectrum between happiness and unhappiness. But it’s complicated further because there are different areas in your life where you can be happy, and chances are good that you land on different spots in the “happiness spectrum” in each of those areas.

Think of some of the main areas of your life. I’m guessing most of us break our lives down into something like the following:

  • Committed relationship (spouse or partner)
  • Immediate families (parents, siblings, children, grandchildren)
  • Extended families
  • Social Networks (friends and acquaintances)
  • Jobs
  • Personal interests/hobbies
  • Additional organizations/memberships

Those are the first things that came to my mind, and you can add and subtract from that list in whatever way best applies to you. If you think of all the different roles that you play, you can have a different level of happiness in each of them. For example, you may not be happy in your job (which will affect your overall level of happiness), but still consider yourself happy.

Looking at the different roles that you play, how can you really measure happiness? If you are largely happy, or at least content, then it’s probably not something you even think about as it’s just a natural state.

The Search for Happiness

If you characterize yourself as an unhappy person, it seems obvious that you need to do something about it.

FindingHappiness

It’s clear that you need to change something. But what should you change? It’s probably best to try changing the “small” things first. Maybe take up a new hobby, or join a club or a team. If there are people in your life that are bringing you down, try talking to them about it, and if that doesn’t work spend less time with them. The same applies to family.

But what if it’s something bigger, like your job or your relationship with your partner/spouse? If you aren’t happy in your job, you can (and perhaps should) change your job. If it’s your relationships, then there are some bigger questions to answer. A few posts back I talked about questioning your relationship, so I won’t go over that again (in summary you either communicate and try to work on things or you move on).

One problem is that people who are in search of happiness often don’t know how to go about trying to achieve it. To make matters worse, they often go about searching for it in the wrong way.

There are countless cautionary tales of people who have embarked on self destructive behaviors, or made questionable life choices in the pursuit of happiness. In the search of happiness people often start engaging in activities either to make them “feel good” or to mask the pain of the unhappiness they feel.

Things like shopping, comfort eating, gambling or sex become outlets that give them a bit of a high. People may also turn to an actual high through drugs and alcohol. A more recent trend is turning to social media, and measuring happiness by the number of friends, likes, or complimentary remarks to posts.

Unfortunately these things are only temporary fixes, ways of numbing the pain and emptiness that they are feeling inside. They are like putting a band-aid on a gaping wound. And guess what? In most circumstances these people don’t actually end up any happier.

Happiness comes from within

One of the most difficult things about the search for happiness is that there is no magic pill; and you can’t “find it”. All the money and fame in the world can’t make someone happy. Just think of all the rich and famous people who make the news for things like addictions, behavioral issues or even suicide. Nothing can “make you happy”, you have to find it within yourself.

One problem with the pursuit of happiness is that I believe people aren’t actually pursuing happiness. They are really looking for meaning and fulfillment. There is a correlation between happiness and meaning, as people who find meaning in their lives generally are people who would describe themselves as happy (or at least leaning towards happiness on the happiness spectrum).

Ideally you find meaning in all aspects of your life – your committed relationship, your family, your social networks, job, and your personal interests. The reality is, very few people have a job that they love. Hopefully you find some fulfillment in your job, but many people find themselves in jobs that they don’t like, and they stay due to complacency and/or a need to pay the bills. Sometimes it’s worth taking a pay cut to find something more fulfilling, but if you have dependents then it’s easy to feel “stuck” in your job.

If you aren’t happy in one aspect of life (such as your job) it becomes especially important to find meaning in other areas. One of the most common areas that people neglect is their personal interests, and self nurturing. We all have talents and interests and it is important to take some time out for ourselves to nurture these. Often this involves engaging your creative side, such as music, art, writing, crafts, mechanical “tinkering” or cooking. It could also be things like volunteering, joining a sports team, or taking up some sort of regular activity.

I read somewhere that taking me time is necessary, as it provides the space needed to allow your relationships to flourish and grow. Without it you unfairly put all of your needs on your partner, and that holds them to a standard that they will never be able to meet.

That’s true, but there are different types of me time, and it is important that you choose things that provide meaning and help “feed your soul”. Taking time to watch your favorite TV show is great, and we all do it. But it doesn’t exactly provide the sort of fulfillment that will improve your happiness. Doing things to improve yourself is one of the best ways to provide meaning, and help build happiness from within.

happiness-is

Appreciation

In the workplace, employers have found that salary increases are ineffective tools for employee retention. Similar to drugs and alcohol from above, the effects are short lived. When someone gets a raise, they have an initial moment of excitement at the increased pay. But after a few pay periods that new pay becomes their norm. Unfortunately it is human nature to take the things we have for granted, and we do this in all aspects of our lives.

I live in Canada, and Canada is often cited as one of the best countries in the world by various measures. Wikipedia states that it “ranks among the highest in international measurements of government transparency, civil liberties, quality of life, economic freedom, and education, and stands among the world’s most educated countries”. Sounds great right? And it is. But it’s also been my home for my whole life so it is my norm, and as a result I often don’t appreciate it for what it is.

When I finished university I went on a trip to Vietnam, and I stayed with a family in Ho Chi Mihn city (the locals still call it Saigon) for a month. It was an incredible experience and it was the first time I had ever left North America. There were good and bad moments on the trip, but they were all new experiences and I loved every minute of my trip. Well, maybe not every minute. Getting into an argument with a customs agent because I refused to pay a bribe and almost missing my flight home wasn’t so great. But that’s a whole other story.

One of the most important things about my trip was that when I returned it gave me a different point of reference and allowed me to see Canada in a different light. It allowed me to truly appreciate my home in a way that I never would have had I not gone on the trip.

Another moment that made me appreciate things in a different way was an early experience as a new dad with my son. I’ll never forget the first time I took him for a walk in the neighborhood. He had just turned one, and was still a little unsteady on his feet. It was summer, and it was his first time exploring the outside world. Everything was new to him and we had to stop everywhere. He’s ten now, but I can still picture the sheer joy on his face as he touched and played with grass, felt the texture of the bark on trees and watched ants walking down the sidewalk. I picked some up and let them walk on his arms (which was cute, until he tried to eat them). He even explored the cracks in the concrete of the sidewalk. It took us almost an hour to make it two houses down, but it was a beautiful magical hour.

I looked at the yard and I saw grass that needed to be cut and weeds that needed to be pulled. Looking at the sidewalk I saw the cracks as flaws, signs that the concrete would need to be repaired or replaced. My son saw those things, and I won’t pretend to know what was going through his head (he was one). But from his expressions, it was wonderment. For him the world was shiny and new, and experiencing it with him allowed me to see the world that way again. I had forgotten the beauty that we have all around us, and stopped seeing it. All I saw were the flaws and the work that needed to be done. That day my little man taught me a lesson I have tried hard not to forget.

Relationships and Appreciation

As we age we lose that innocence and we fail to appreciate the little things in life. We have all this beauty and wonder around us all the time. We have people who love us. And we don’t even see it or appreciate it. We take for granted what we have.

We stop to see the good because it has been right in front of us for so long that is has become our norm. Once that has become our norm, we don’t appreciate it and instead we see the problems and the flaws.

If you talk to counselors or look at relationship books, one of the most commonly prescribed things is to try to focus on the positive. They will tell you to do things like make lists of the positives in a situation or a relationship and remind yourself of them.

This is all about looking at what you have and trying to appreciate it again. Rather than focusing on the positive I think it’s more accurate to say that this is trying to find again the positive that we have taken for granted over time.

I generally focus on relationships, but I believe this applies to all aspects of your life. Chances are there is a lot of good that you simply have lost the ability to see.

Finding Inner Peace

People do deserve to be happy, and by no means am I suggesting that people should stay in relationships or jobs that make them unhappy. People should be free to pursue interest that make them happy, and be around friends that bring them joy.

But sometimes we have simply lost the ability to see what has been around us the whole time. Sometimes instead of seeing the good all we are seeing is the cracks, and the flaws.

Change can be very positive. But sometimes it can’t be undone. If you are unhappy and looking to make changes in your life, first look at the things you have in your life and try to see them in with new eyes. Try to appreciate the good and the wonder in the things in your life. Try to see the world through the eyes of a child again.

If you are a parent, think back to the wonder your children showed as they first explored the world. If you aren’t a parent then find a kid between one and two that you can borrow for a while. Just make sure you get permission first (local law enforcement tends to frown upon it if you don’t).

If you can’t do that, just go out on your own and slow down. Take your time to look at things again for the first time. Feel the texture of the grass, and the bark of the trees. Don’t eat the bugs though, because that’s pretty gross.

You won’t necessarily “find” happiness, but you can try to take pleasure in the little things in life and try to let happiness in again.

Setting Goals

Posted in Communication, couples, Happiness, Identity, Life, Love, Relationship Help, Relationships by

Goals

Have you ever seen the Pixar movie Up? It’s a great movie and in my opinion it was the last of the great Pixar films. Seriously, if you love movies look at the films Pixar released prior to that. Monsters Inc, Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, Cars, Ratatouille and WALL-E. These weren’t just “kids movies”. Sure they had cute colorful characters and funny moments; but they also dealt with serious topics and had a lot of heart.

Even from Pixar Up was unique. It was about an old man who is stubbornly holding on to his house, his last connection to a wife who died years ago. When he’s about to be evicted and sent to a seniors home he embarks on the adventure he had always dreamed of.

The opening sequence of the movie really stands out for me. In it you see two children meet due to a shared love of adventure. They fall in love, get married and start a life together with the dreams of the trip they will take. But “life” keeps getting in the way, and find that they are never able to achieve their dream together. I’ve seen Up a few times now, and that opening sequence still makes me cry like a baby. Laugh if you want, I don’t care. I’m secure in who I am. You can check out most of the opening sequence here. If that doesn’t move you in some way then sorry, you’re either a robot or an alien.

Part of the reason Up resonated with me is because of my own grandfather, and my memories of the last time I saw him. That night we sat in his kitchen talking about all sorts of things, and the topic of traveling came up. My grandfather was a very religious man, and he told me he had always dreamed of seeing Vatican City. I hadn’t known that, but honestly I didn’t know very much about him. It’s amazing how people can be part of our lives yet we can know so little about them. He was my grandfather and that was how I knew him. Sadly, I really didn’t know much about my grandfather the man.

At the time I didn’t know that would be the last day I ever saw him, but he passed away a few days later. That last conversation has stuck with me, and I can still picture how wistful he was that night for dreams never achieved and opportunities lost. There are always defining moments in your life that shape you, and that was one of mine.

Dreams

The capacity to dream is one of the things that differentiates humanity from other animals. It allows us to have science, art and culture.

Everyone has dreams. We all have things that we want to see, do, and accomplish; and a bucket list is really just a list of things that we want to do in our lifetime.

In the early days of a relationship, sharing of bucket lists is often part of the process of getting to know the other person and finding out if the two of you are a good fit. It helps build connection, as there is intimacy in opening ourselves up to another person and letting them in to our hopes and dreams. And when those hopes and dreams seem to align, it makes it easy to imagine a future with the other person. After all, you want the same things and are on the same path. So why not do it together?

Dreams vs Goals

There is a difference between dreams and goals though, and sharing similar dreams does not mean you have similar goals.

A friends marriage broke down a few years back, and when I talked to her about what had happened one of her biggest disappointments was she felt her husband had no ambition. When they first met they shared their hopes and dreams, and she had visions of the future they would share. But as the years went by she felt it was all talk, as he didn’t actually do anything or take any action to achieve those dreams.

I knew the guy fairly well, and he did have dreams. But it’s easy to have dreams, and it’s easy to have a bucket list. What isn’t easy is prioritizing those dreams and making them happen. Goals are based on dreams. The difference is that they are something you are actively working towards, and you have planned out a way to make them happen.

Goal-Setting-300x224

One thing many people don’t seem to understand about goals is that they don’t just happen on their own. They involve planning and sacrifice. In order to achieve something you generally have to give something else up. It may be time, money, or other opportunities, but you can’t have everything.

As an individual it is important that you have goals, as they show you have initiative. When you go for a job interview one of the most common questions interviewers ask is where you see yourself in 2-5 years. Often they don’t really care *what* your answer is. They are simply looking for proof that you have a vision for yourself and where you want to go.

Planning Together

In a relationship one of the most rewarding things you can do is not only sharing dreams, but sharing goals and working towards them together.

It’s very easy to get caught up in the daily routines of life, so it is important to have both long and short term goals (like the 2 & 5 year plans that interviewers ask) as both an individual and a couple to look forward to.

Is there a big trip you want to do? A house? Renovations on the existing place? Courses you want to take? As I mentioned earlier, you can’t have everything. All of this stuff involves a commitment of both time and money. You need to prioritize which ones are most important to you (both individually and as a couple) and come up with a plan on how you will go about achieving these goals.

If there are individual goals for you or your partner that are a priority it’s important that you support each other in those goals, because it’s just as important for each of you to grow as individuals as it is to grow as a couple. You should have periodic checkpoints where you talk about these goals and see how you are doing, or if there is anything you want to change.

Knowing that you are working towards both your individual and common goals together shows commitment to the future. It also helps build and strengthen the connection you share. And accomplishing goals together builds experiences that you can never take away.

Be Flexible

One reminder about goals is that life is unpredictable. An unexpected pregnancy, a lost job, a broken relationship. Any number of things can happen to you that can completely derail your long and short term plans. Life throws curveballs at you, and you need to adjust accordingly.

In the movie Up the couple never was able to make their trip together, and not achieving that dream filled the main character with a sense of loss. They had a photo album that they planned on filling with the pictures and memories of the trip they never took. Near the end of the movie there is a beautiful moment where the husband looks in the photo album and realizes his wife has filled it with pictures of their life. They didn’t have the adventure they expected, but their life together was their adventure.

My grandfather never made it to Vatican City, he never achieved that dream. At the end he had regrets about it, but what would he have traded? I honestly don’t know, but I would like to think nothing. I like to think he gave that up because he prioritized other things, and he was happy with the decisions he made in his life.

So set goals. Dream together and plan together. And no matter what life throws at you, do it together.

Would You Be Your Friend?

Posted in Happiness, Identity, Individuality, Life, Love, Relationship Help, Relationships by

I’ve never reblogged something before, but I think this is important. It is a big part of what I was trying to get at in my Identity Crisis series of posts.

I really believe that when a relationship ends, frequently for the person who “fell out of love” the problem wasn’t the relationship, but it was that they didn’t love themselves enough to sustain a loving relationship.

Anyhow, read on. It’s pretty great.

heartbeatapp's avatarThe Fickle Heartbeat

would you be your friend

Shared by Michele Bolitho.

”

Think on this.

If I ask you what sort of a person you are, you may tell me: ‘I’m powerful. I’m thoughtful and kind.’ You effectively tell me you’re a good person.

Powerful. Thoughtful. Kind. This is what you want me to think of you. You want me to think of you as a person of value. You want me to think you’re ‘Worth it’. I may well do this. I may take your self-assessment on face value and don’t sense any deeper. That’s fine with me.

But are you being honest?

Powerful. Thoughtful. Kind.  How true is this? It may be the appropriate way you tell yourself to inter-relate with me but is this what you really think of yourself?

Yes, you are powerful because you are running your own life. Powerful is accurate as I see it, but do you think you are…

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You’re not alone (Identity Crisis – Epilogue)

Posted in Happiness, Identity, Individuality, Life, Relationship Help, Relationships by

The focus of my writing is relationships (specifically long term relationships), and the trials and tribulations they can run into. As my thoughts on relationships have evolved I have realized that beyond the interpersonal dynamics that come to play in a relationship, everything is still built on individuals.

In relationships the whole is often greater than the sum of the parts. But at the same time a chain is only a strong as its weakest link. Cliché? Sure. But that doesn’t make it any less true. When one person is going through a difficult time, the other person needs to step up and help them. One individuals problems affect the whole relationship, and can potentially destroy it. So for the health of both the relationship and the individual, it’s very important that the members of the relationship deal with their own issues.

HealYourself

Because of that, the last few weeks I’ve taken a bit of a step back and focused more on the individual. My last two entries have been about understanding who we are, and accepting ourselves for who we are. Today’s entry finishes off that line of thought with a few additional thoughts that didn’t quite fit anywhere else.

A Perfect World?

I would like to think I came from a pretty good home. I’m sure it was better than some and worse than others, but for me it was home. Back in my high school days I had a buddy who would hang out at my place (my parents place) all the time. One day when he was over, he witnessed some sort of a family blow up. I can’t remember the details, but as with any family it could have been any number of things. I do remember what came next though. In the awkward/embarrassed silence that followed, he turned to me and said

I always thought you had the perfect family, but yours is just as screwed up as mine.

Fast forward many years, and a few months back I was talking to another friend. His family is going through some very difficult times, and he needed to vent. You know how on a hot day when you look down a road into the distance you can see the heat radiating off of it? This was kind of like that; as he talked I could almost see the pain radiating off of him. When we parted we did one of those awkward half pat man-hugs, acknowledging that something significant had just passed between us, but we weren’t quite sure what to do about it. He thanked me, and told me that he was glad we talked because it’s been weighing him down and he doesn’t really have anyone else to talk to.

These stories illustrate two very important things to me:

  1. We tend to believe other people’s situations are better than our own. In reality, every person and every family has their own issues.
  2. When our own issues are weighing us down, we often feel alone.

Dealing with Pain

I have always considered myself a “strong” person, and believed I could deal with anything life threw at me. I have also always been fiercely independent, taking a sense of pride in the fact that I had been able to fairly successfully navigate the waters of life on my own.

When my life took its unexpected turn a few years back, all of that was tested. I found myself in waters I couldn’t navigate and I was flailing, drowning if you will. I was a basket case, and from day to day I had no idea how to cope. It was a difficult time, and thinking back what stands out the most is how alone I felt.

I knew I had people who I could turn to, but I didn’t even want to talk to my closest friends and family. I didn’t want to tell them what was going on. I was embarrassed by it. To tell people would be to admit it – to admit that I was a failure. So instead I tried to pretend nothing was happening. I got up every day and got ready for work. But now in addition to putting on my clothes I had to put on my fake smile, while inside of me everything felt broken.

Sharing Your Story

The first person I opened up to was my brother. He will probably always see me as the annoying little brother, but to me he’s always been an easy person to talk to and I’ve always known he would be there if I ever needed him. One of the things I remember from those early conversations is him telling me to make sure I had my support net – people I could talk to.

One of the next people I talked to was a close buddy. I felt guilty “dumping my issues” on him because I knew he was dealing with some fairly serious issues of his own. But something interesting happened. Although our situations were different, he could relate to everything I felt. All the emotions I was going through were things that he had gone through as well. And my opening up to him allowed him to open up to me as well. We talked, we laughed and we cried. But that opening up and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable was cathartic. And I would like to think it helped both of us.

Over time I opened up to more people and I was surprised by how common my story was, and by how many people were going through similar issues. One guy’s wife left him just after their first child was born because she found the role of wife and mother wasn’t quite what she expected and she wanted “to be free”, another guy found out his wife was having an affair after many years of marriage, and yet another was living in a marriage where he and his wife were nothing more than roommates anymore. The stories were different, but the pain was the same. So was the sense of isolation and the feeling of failure.

Knowing that other people were going through similar things didn’t change my situation, but it made me realize I wasn’t alone. And somehow that helped.

Struggling to Cope

About a year ago a co-worker killed himself, and it sent a wave of shock through my company. Suicide? The guy in question had always seemed so positive and happy. How could this happen? That got me wondering if he had also been getting dressed every morning and then putting on a smile, hiding the turmoil inside.

I didn’t know him well, and I don’t know what his support net was like. Maybe if there were more people he had been able to open up to, he would still be here today.

Suicide is pretty extreme, and I won’t pretend to know the specifics of his case. But I will say that everyone has their own ways of coping with things. Usually those approaches work for us and we are able to “get by”. But sometimes we face situations or issues where our coping mechanisms are no longer sufficient, and we don’t know what to do.

I’m guessing this is how a lot of addictions start, as they are ways to numb ourselves to the situations that we are facing. And this is also probably where mental health issues start to arise. I’m not a doctor, but from what I understand mental health issues often arise due to a traumatic event or prolonged periods of stress causing brain chemistry to change slightly, altering the way someone perceives the world.

When I was younger I would hear stories of people “snapping”, and having some sort of mental breakdown or psychotic episode. The person in question was always referred to as “going crazy”. The things that make the news are always the extreme cases, but like everything else it can happen to varying degrees.

We are all Damaged

Look around at the people you see on a day to day basis – your co-workers, friends, classmates, even your family. How well do you really know them? If you think back to my gemstone analogy, we only see certain aspects of people.

We choose which parts of ourselves we present to the outside world, and it stands to reason that the parts we show are the ones we are least likely to fear being judged on. Statistically speaking, some of the people you talk to every day are struggling with very real issues. Alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling problems, serious illness (both physical and mental) to themselves or a loved one, failing marriages…

…the list goes on. It is probably happening right in front of you, and you don’t see it. They come to work every day, putting on their smiles, and trying to mask the pain they feel inside.

Even for your closest friends and family, you may know them well but do you really know the intimate details of their lives? You may know their job, but do you know how much money they make? You see the material things that are on display like their clothes, their cars and their homes. But do you know what their level of debt is? You may see how they interact with their spouses in public, but does that really tell you how happy they are in their marriage? Sometimes people hear about a couple splitting up and it comes as a complete shock. Sometimes the first thought is “I thought they were happy together”. Even with our closest friends and family, we still choose which parts of our story we want to reveal.

In reality, we are ALL damaged in one way or another. All the people you see on a day to day basis have their own flaws and issues. Everyone has problems. Every relationship has problems.

And you know what? That’s okay. It doesn’t make us any better or worse than anyone else, it just makes us human.

There is a crack in everything.
That’s how the light gets in. – Leonard Cohen

Don’t Compare!!!

Going back to my buddy at the beginning, he knew all the details of his family but had a limited view of my family. Comparing them, he thought we were “perfect”.

It’s a difficult thing to do, but try not to compare yourself to others. Because really, it’s impossible to do an accurate comparison. You know all the details of your own life, but you don’t know the details of anyone else’s. Chances are some parts of their lives are better than yours, and other parts are worse. Everyone has problems. Perfection doesn’t exist.

It is especially damaging to compare relationships. You don’t know the details of someone else’s life. Chances are, it has problems too. Instead of focusing on what you are missing, it’s better to focus on what you can do to improve things.

Another common problem is comparing your current relationship to a previous one. There may be some things that were better before, but how much time has passed? Are you the same person you were then? Did you have the same responsibilities then that you do now?

If you are ever making comparisons about your life or your relationships to look at what is wrong, or missing, you are doing yourself and your relationship a great disservice. No good can ever come of it. You need to judge your situation on its own merits.

Look for the Positive

Accept that there will always be issues, and that life will always have disappointments. It’s easy for the “bad times” to overshadow the good, but instead of focusing on the negative focus on what is good in your life.

Remember that you aren’t alone. Everyone has issues, everyone has problems. I haven’t read the book “The Happiness Project” (it’s on my to-do list), but from what I know of it, it mirrors my personal philosophies. Happiness is a choice. Perhaps you can’t “make yourself be happy”, but at the very least you can influence your level of happiness by how you approach life.

Look for the positive in things. Instead of focusing on what is wrong, look at all the good around you. Take time out every day to appreciate what you have instead of focusing on what you don’t. Accept that problems and issues are normal, and that’s alright. Problems are simply opportunities for improvement.

If you have been set in a negative mind-set this sort of change isn’t easy, but it is possible. Make it part of your everyday life. It will feel forced at first, but over time it will become natural.

Identity Crisis Recap

As individuals we are all seeking happiness, fulfillment and belonging. We are social creatures, and it is through our relationships that we find these things.

We are constantly juggling many roles though, and sometimes it can feel overwhelming and we can feel lost. I’ve talked to many people who have spoken of how they lost their identity in their relationship/marriage. Or more accurately, they allowed their relationship to define their identity.

Your relationship should be important to you. I would argue that it, and the person you are choosing to be with should be the most important thing in your life. But they should never be the only thing. We are complex, and have many interests and needs. Always take time away from your spouse to pursue other interests. That time away is just as important for nurturing your relationship as the time you spend together.

Commit yourself fully to your relationship, body, mind and soul. Never hold back. This opening up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable allows you to maximize the satisfaction you can get out of the relationship. Yes, you will get hurt sometimes. But you will also be open to a level of connection that can’t be achieved if you build up walls to “protect yourself”.

In order to commit yourself fully to a relationship, you must first love yourself. Stop trying to play a role. No one is perfect, and that’s alright. You need to accept yourself as you are, and be able to say “I can always improve, but I am enough”.

Don’t compare yourself and your situations to others. Everyone has problems and everyone has issues. It’s part of what makes us human. In order to be happy, it’s important to focus on the positive and not the negative. Even problems are simply opportunities for improvement.

Lastly, when times are tough remember that you aren’t alone. Don’t be embarrassed to reach out and ask for help. Vulnerability isn’t a sign of weakness.