Happiness is Overrated

Posted in Achievement, Anxiety, Appreciation, Avoidance, Blaming, Communication, Communication Issues, Compatibility, Conflict, Connection, Emotional Intelligence, Happiness, Letting Go, Life, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help by zombiedrew2

asian young Couple not talking after fight in living room There seems to be a huge focus on happiness these days, specifically in relationships.

I’m at an age now where a lot of long term relationships/marriages are failing, or people are starting new relationships (after their marriage has failed). And in these failed relationships, unhappiness is almost always cited as the main reason.

I hear things like:

I just want to be happy
Everyone deserves to be happy
Lifes too short to not be happy
I’m happy now (in the new relationship)

This focus on happiness worries me a bit, and in fact I think happiness is kind of a dangerous and even subversive concept. And although I understand what people are getting at, I think they’re often missing the point.

Of course people “want to be happy”. Really, does anyone actually go around and claim the opposite? Unless you’re Grumpy from the seven dwarves, I don’t think anyone really wants to be unhappy (though I will admit there are some people who almost seem to thrive off negativity).

Yes, there are different emotions and generally the positive emotions are seen as preferable experiences to negative emotions (which is probably why some are classified as positive and others as negative).

I totally get all that.

Here’s my problem – what exactly is happiness?

Do you know? Because I sure don’t; and I spend a lot of time thinking and writing about this stuff. I do however know that happiness is more than just a feeling. Further no one is always happy, and even when someone IS happy, they aren’t going to be happy in every aspect of their life.

Happiness is not like a light switch that is “on” or “off”. You can be happy at home, but not in your job. Or happy when you get a bit of down time, but feel overwhelmed when faced with all the things that need to be done as part of domestic life.

Happiness is complex, and the aspects and levels of it aren’t consistent over time.

“Unhappy” Relationships

So what does this really mean to relationships?

When people leave (or thinking about leaving) a relationship because “they aren’t happy”, I don’t think it’s really about happiness.

Instead, I think it’s about conflict that a couple has been unable to resolve.

Over time, unresolved conflict creates an environment of hurt, and likely resentment. That in turn creates tension in the relationship, as one or both members feel their needs aren’t being met and they aren’t being heard. A few posts ago I talked about connection, and a big component of connection is feeling valued, heard, and seen. So if you feel you aren’t being heard, this will cause the connection to break down.

Over time this leads to a perpetual state of tension within the relationship, which is emotionally draining.

With broken connection and a state of tension, a couple will have a harder time finding joy even in the good parts of the relationship and instead will often focus more on the problems as they become magnified.

And THIS will result in…

(ready for it?)

…unhappiness.

I know what you’re thinking –“but ZombieDrew, isn’t that the same thing? Doesn’t it still boil down to the couple being unhappy?”

Nope, and the distinction here is really important.

First, it’s important to remember that having conflict doesn’t mean you have a bad relationship. It means you’re normal. Conflict is as unavoidable as death and taxes, and is a byproduct of two different people building a life together. You won’t always agree and you won’t always get along, and that’s alright.

Another important thing is unhappiness isn’t the problem, it’s a SYMPTOM of a different (and truly, a larger) problem.

And understanding that? THAT really matters.

Because you can’t solve a symptom, you can’t solve unhappy. You need to understand the actual problem. And if you can understand the actual problem, THEN you can do something about it!!!

The Search for Happiness

My issue with people leaving relationships because they are unhappy (or searching for happiness) is that often they don’t really know WHY they were unhappy. They stopped at the symptom, the feeling.

They knew they were “having problems”, and found themselves in a situation where they were unhappy for so long they believed the only way out was to leave the relationship.

They want to be happy again (after all, everyone “deserves” to be happy, life is too short to not be happy, blah blah blah). So they leave, in order to find that feeling again.

(Actually often they go in search of the feeling before leaving the relationships, having emotional and or physical affairs that provide the “feeling” of happiness, which only solidifies their belief that there was something wrong with the relationship they are/were in. But that’s a topic for another day.)

In any case, pursuit of a feeling leaves them looking for something they will likely never find.

Building Relationships

One of the big fallacies of relationships is that you just need to find the right person. I absolutely hate this thinking, because it absolves people of responsibility in relationships.

Oh, our relationship failed because he/she wasn’t the right person. I just need to find someone more compatible.

Sorry, that’s a load of crap. Don’t get me wrong, there is an element of compatibility involved in relationships (though I believe it’s a much smaller factor than most people would think).

But here’s the thing – relationships are a skill. And like any other skill, we can always improve the skill side of a relationship. No matter how bad (or good) your relationship is right now, it can get better.

And THAT should be good news.

The catch is, you need to be willing to work to develop that skill. And both parties need to be willing to do this.

It doesn’t necessarily have to be equal (no relationships are), but both people need to be trying. And if they are? Then ANY issue can be improved upon.

Notice I didn’t say fixed, some things can’t be fixed. But all problems can get better.

Believing Change Can Happen

Its really important to believe that all problems can get better, because sometimes a couple DOES look at why they are having issues, they start to understand the problems; and then they give up. They feel overwhelmed by the issues and take the attitude that they are “too big to fix”, or they can’t be changed because “this is just the way I am”. And as a result they don’t really try.

This approach of quitting without really trying is called Learned Helplessness, and unfortunately it is a common approach for people who struggle with conflict resolution, people with mental health issues, as well as people who just aren’t very happy.

It’s a belief that someone has no control over the situation they are in, so why bother trying. But it’s a broken thinking pattern, because people ALWAYS have control over their own choices and their own actions. As I said, ANY issue can be improved. But you have to be willing to put in the work.

learnedHelplessness

Going back to the “unhappy relationship”, this is almost always a question of conflict resolution. Problems can’t be ignored, avoidance never works. And you are NEVER helpless to make change.

It’s may seem easier at first to ignore things and avoid them, because dealing with things has an emotional cost. But avoidance is a short sighted approach, because nothing gets resolved and the long term emotional costs of trying to deal with things when they’ve hit a critical mass are always higher later.

Plus, even when you are “avoiding” issues, they are always there. These issues find ways to come out, normally through passive aggressive behavior by one or both parties, and that will only deepen the environment of hurt and resentment (making things worse).

The way out of this mess is through communication. REAL communication.

When people talk about communication being the key to successful relationships, they aren’t just referring to talking. Communication is about actually listening, trying to understand each other, and dealing with conflict in ways that are beneficial to the team.

If you aren’t actively working on making things better, then you aren’t really communicating.

CommunicationIssue

Happiness is Mostly About You

One thing I don’t like about this focus on happiness is, it’s an individual act. It’s a focus on what a relationship does (or doesn’t do) for YOU. While that is obviously important, I personally don’t think any relationship can thrive if that’s the focus.

Relationships should never just be about what one person is getting out of it. Both people’s needs and wants have to be respected and valued, even when they don’t completely match up. There has to be compromise.

For relationships to be successful the focus needs to shift from what the relationship does for me to what it does for us. It needs to be a partnership that is mutually beneficial; and where people are just as interested in what they can add to it as what they get out of it.

Communicating and building your relationships skills is difficult, because it can’t just be about you. It requires facing the mirror and accepting your own part in the relationship issues. It also requires truly letting go of past hurts and resentment in order to move forward.

But although these skills are difficult to build, they are the most important skills you will ever build in your lifetime. They are worth the effort, and worth the stumbles that will happen along the way.

In my mind, as long as both partners are showing consistent effort towards building them, and being conscious about sliding back into avoidance and passive aggressive behavior, ANY relationship can not only succeed, but thrive.

Built to Last?

Happiness is a feeling, and feelings come and go.

Healthy relationships on the other hand have a number of components to them; pleasure, joy, appreciation and contentment.

And importantly, an acceptance that negative emotions are normal, and that conflict is a natural and even needed part of trying to grow both individually and as a couple.

Sometimes happiness is missing, and that should be alright. Because if you can communicate, and resolve conflicts together without holding on to anger and resentment you will always find it again. In fact it’s working through these difficult times that ultimately brings a couple closer.

So when people leave a relationship because they aren’t happy, I think it’s a cop out. An excuse.

I understand leaving the relationship because you had communication issues and unresolved conflicts that were creating a toxic environment, and you reached a point that you gave up hope that things would ever improve.

I even understand leaving a relationship because you realized that addressing the issues was scary, and you weren’t prepared to do the work to make things better.

At least those reasons are honest.

They involve a level of self-awareness, and a realization that there is no magic wand or perfect person out there. That those issues will still come up again, and will need to be addressed in the future or they could happen again.

But simply saying it’s because you were unhappy without understanding why, and chasing that feeling? That simply sets you up to repeat the same mistakes again, and all but guarantees more unhappiness in your future.

meantToBe

20Jul2016

Love and Connection

Posted in Anhedonia, Anxiety, Connection, Depression, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions, Happiness, Letting Go, Life, Love, Relationship Help, Self-Love by zombiedrew2

In my last post I talked about connection, and how connection requires you to be able to be in the moment.

Increasingly I think connection is what we are all looking for. In family, in friendships, and especially in romantic relationships, connection is the key that binds us together. Brene Brown describes connection as:

connectionquote

Connection is intangible; but at the same time you know when it’s there and you know when it’s missing. We all want connection, and because humans are social animals I think it’s just as much of a need as food and shelter.

Intimacy (closeness) and love, these are all about connection.

Learning about Love

Growing up, we are taught the wrong things about love. I realize I’m stereotyping here (so feel free to ignore this if you disagree), but little girls seem to be taught that love is all about passion and romance – flowers, kisses and hearts that pound at the sight of the other person. And many women seem to internalize this, and come to believe that’s what love is. Intensity. Passion.

In fact, I recently saw a blog post talking about how the author wants her love to be like a hurricane. Passionate, and furious.

And I get that in a way.

But hurricane’s tend to not last very long. They burn out quickly, and leave a lot of damage in their wake.

Boys? I’m not sure if we are really taught anything about love. We see the same stories about love that the girls see, but we are never really taught that love should be a goal, or something to strive for the way girls are (it’s pretty common to see little girls dressing up as a bride for Halloween – but how often do you see a little boy dressing up as a groom).

For us love seems to start as more of a physical/hormonal response, as we’re often oblivious to girls until one day we realize “damn, she’s pretty hot”. Maybe because of this, for many of us it seems we come to associate sex with love.

I think this is why you hear that women need to feel connection in order to have sex, while men need to be having sex in order to feel connected. And this fundamental difference in how we think (due to how we have been taught) is the source of a ton of problems.

In any case, I think we both learn the wrong things. We are learning about the early phases of love, and thinking that’s what love actually is.

At its core though, I think we’re all really looking for connection.

We all want to find someone we feel connected to. We feel safe with, we feel we can be ourselves, and they will hear us, and respect us, and value us. And we’ll want to do the same for them. Connection is what is truly important.

The Problem with Connection

As much as we really strive for connection however, many people are afraid of it.

Because real connection requires vulnerability, it requires letting someone else in.

And that can be scary as hell.

Many of us, and perhaps most of us, struggle with letting other people in.

True connection requires allowing someone else to see all of you – the good sides and our darker sides, the parts of us that we hide from other. And it requires allowing that other person to love us anyways.

Allowing.

My wording here is very deliberate.

As people, we often sabotage ourselves because we are afraid.

Afraid of rejection. Afraid that we aren’t enough. We don’t accept ourselves, and love ourselves enough. And if we can’t even love ourselves, then how is someone else ever going to love us?

So we hold back, and we build walls. We try to only ever let the other person see the parts of us that we want them to see. We build these walls subconsciously with the intent of protecting ourselves from being hurt.

In doing so, we don’t allow that other person the opportunity to truly know us. We don’t give them the chance to accept us for all of us, good and bad.

We’re scared they won’t, so we don’t give them the opportunity.

And in the process we ensure that we will never have the connection that we truly crave.

deadinside

Emotional Disconnection

We all limit how close we let people get to us. We all have things that we hide from both ourselves and others.

In fact I’m not sure if it’s even possible to let the other person in 100%, as doing so would require a level of self-awareness that most of will never achieve.

But for emotionally healthy relationships, we have to be in a situation where both parties are able to let the other person in and feel safe doing so.

Emotional disconnection happens when people won’t let others in. They will have healthy relationships on the surface, but will hide their feelings and not allow someone to get too close.

Sometimes this happens due to upbringing and a person’s attachment style, but it can also be brought about due to problems with depression or anxiety.

Both depression and anxiety can cause anhedonia, a state where a person feels as though they have no emotions, positive or negative. For sufferers of anhedonia there is an absence of emotion and they often feel dead inside. Sufferers do still feel some emotions, but they are primarily negative emotions or a pervasive sense of sadness. Positive emotions are not felt very strongly, and they find it hard to feel happiness.

During these dead or flat periods, external relationships frequently suffer, as connection breaks down.

Calmclinic.com describes this as follows:

Emotional detachment is usually an issue caused by severe, intense anxiety – most notably panic attacks, although any form of severe anxiety can cause emotional detachment.

While it’s not entirely clear what causes this detachment, it most likely is a coping mechanism for the brain. Severe emotions are not only mentally stressful – they’re also physically stressful, and your brain actually experiences very real stress and pressure that can be somewhat overwhelming.

So your brain may shut off or turn down those emotions, because dealing with no strong emotions at all may be easier for your brain to handle than intense emotions.

Also, don’t forget that your emotions really do change your brain chemistry. Sometimes those changes stick around for a while. Your anxiety may have caused your brain to produce less “positive emotion” neurotransmitters, which in turn causes you to experience emotional distance.

Allowing Love and Connection

We all need connection. Without it, couples aren’t a “we” and instead are just two people occupying the same space. Without connection, you aren’t able to truly share life, and experiences.

Connection however requires you to accept your emotions (good and bad), share them, and be vulnerable. It doesn’t happen unless you allow it, and allow the other person in.

Without that there is no intimacy, and only a hollow, dispassionate version of love.

vulnerability

People are scared to be vulnerable because they are scared to be hurt. Scared to be rejected. And so they hold back – both consciously and subconsciously.

But all holding back does is limit your ability to connect with another person.

It’s true, people can’t hurt you if you don’t let them. And allowing yourself to be vulnerable means you will be hurt sometimes, by those you love.

That’s part of life though, and you need to be willing to accept it as part of the tradeoff.

Given a choice between being vulnerable and allowing myself to be hurt, or walling myself off from potential hurt and instead feeling nothing, I know what I pick. And really, it’s an easy choice.

Because without connection, you can’t really have love.

20May2016

Avoiding Life

Posted in Anxiety, Apathy, Avoidance, Blaming, Communication, Communication Issues, Conflict, couples, Effort, Emotional Intelligence, Happiness, Learned Helplessness, Life, Love, Marriage, Mental Health, Relationship Help, Self-Improvement by zombiedrew2

AvoidanceHeader

Over the last few years I’ve spent a lot of time trying to grow and improve as a person. I would like to think I understand certain things a bit better, but for the most part I haven’t really changed that much. There have been some changes I suppose, but they are largely small tweaks and refinements.

Really, the “new” me isn’t that different from the “old” me.

There is however one area where my outlook has changed considerably, and that’s in how I look at and approach conflict.

Conflict has become an area of interest for me, and it’s something I’ve written about in the past. A few years ago I viewed conflict as a bad thing. It was a sign that something was wrong. And that’s bad, right? Well, if that’s right then the absence of conflict must be a good thing.

That was how I viewed the world.

And that’s a viewpoint I’ve come to believe was completely wrong (like, totally and completely wrong).

You Aren’t Me And I’m Not You

Each person is an individual, with their own wants, needs and interests. And this uniqueness is a part of our beauty. However, because we have differences there are times our differences will collide.

My new(ish) viewpoint on conflict is that it is a natural and unavoidable part of any relationship. Conflict is simply the collision of our differences and can actually be a very positive thing; as the process of learning to accept each other and work together in spite of these differences (because let’s face it, they aren’t going away) is the key to a healthy relationship.

So although there can be issues in how we “deal” with conflict, conflict itself isn’t bad.

Problem? What Problem?

Currently I’m back in school, taking courses that will in theory help advance my career; and if not at least keep me somewhat current. And one of the courses I’m taking has a section on conflict.

Reading over the course materials, I came across the following:

Of all the issues that people tend to avoid, managing conflict ranks at the top of the list, along with public speaking and swimming with sharks.

Most people see conflict as indicative of a problem because disagreement feels uncomfortable and threatening.

When there’s no open conflict we can carry on as though things are all right even if, really, we know they aren’t.

It’s the last line that really stands out to me – open conflict is the key. If there is no open conflict we all can carry on as though things are alright even when we know they aren’t.

People can be kind of stupid at times. For whatever reason, sometimes we don’t see things that are right in front of our faces.

Sometimes its ignorance, or we misjudge the severity of something. Or maybe we simply lack the context to truly understand what we are seeing. For example I have a buddy that almost died from a heart attack a few years back, when he thought he had the flu. That stuff happens, and is largely understandable.

It’s a VERY different scenario though when there is a problem and we KNOW it. But we pretend it isn’t there. When we ACT as though things are fine as long as we aren’t talking about it, and it’s not out in the open.

That approach is very destructive, to everyone involved.

When to Deal with Issues?

Conflict isn’t fun, and I think it’s safe to say most people don’t want to deal with it.

Imagine you’re at home and you notice a drip in your bathroom faucet. Let’s imagine the progression of this problem faucet looks something like this (with some sort of time lapse between steps):

We see the faucet dripping for the first time.
We realize the faucet is still dripping over a period of time.
We notice the drip is getting worse.
Instead of a drip, we see that there is now a steady stream of water coming out of the faucet
We notice that the room underneath the bathroom has water stains in on the ceiling.
We notice that there is water streaming down the walls of our house.
Sections of the ceiling below start to crumble and collapse
We can no longer open the bathroom door, because the flow of water has gotten so strong that the water pressure is holding the door closed

Let’s face it, problems suck. However although we don’t want to, most of us recognize that there comes a point in time when we HAVE to deal with them.

WHERE we draw that line differs from person to person. For example, some people will get on an issue as soon as they see the first sign of trouble.

Personally, I would find that exhausting. I would rather wait a bit to determine if it was an actual (recurring) problem. If something happens once and then not again? Well, it might not be worth worrying about.

Thing is, when small problems aren’t addressed in time they have a tendency to grow into much larger issues. I would like to think though that most people wouldn’t allow the leaky faucet to get to step 8. Hopefully somewhere between step 2 and step 5, people will accept that there is an issue and be willing to put in whatever work is necessary to address it.

Avoidance

Unfortunately some don’t accept that issues need to be dealt with – ever. In fact some people will walk around their house in rubber boots with a diving mask and snorkel insisting that there’s no problem and everything is alright; as the faucets are pouring water and their house is rotting and crumbling around them.

In psychology this is known as Avoidance.

Psychology Dictionary defines avoidance as:

the practice or an instance of keeping away from particular situations, activities, environments, individuals, things, or subjects of thought because of either (a) the anticipated negative consequences of such or (b) the anticipated anxious or painful feelings associated with those things or events. Psychology explains avoidance in several ways: as a means of coping- as a response to fear or shame- and as a principal component in anxiety disorders.

Avoidant people are masters at pretending that things are fine, because as long as they don’t acknowledge a problem openly they can tell themselves everything is alright.

Thing is, avoidance brings with it a slew of problems. Stealing another section from my course materials:

There is one main reason to engage in conflict, and that’s to reach a resolution. Without resolution, conflict merely becomes an opportunity to recycle old arguments, disagreements and opinions: nothing moves forward, feelings get stirred up and reinforced.

By denying problems and refusing to deal with them avoidant people actually make things worse.

They allow small problems to grow, and ensure there is never a resolution. Nothing ever moves forward, and they end up stuck.

Misdirected Effort

One of my sons hates cleaning his room. And when I ask him to, it always turns into a big production. He talks about how he doesn’t want to, and how he thinks “it’s not that bad anyhow”. Then he complains about how much time and effort it would take to clean it.

Usually it turns into some sort of power struggle where he refuses, and I’m forced to come up with some sort of consequence for not doing it as a way of getting him to clean it.

When he finally gets to cleaning it, I’m always struck by the fact that he will have spent WAY more time arguing over and fighting against cleaning his room than it actually took him. He expends all this energy “refusing” to clean his room. And if he would just DO it, a lot less time and energy would be wasted.

He’s 9, and I’m optimistic/hopeful that this is just a stage he’ll grow out of.

In many ways, his behavior is similar to avoidance.

An avoidant person will expend a tremendous amount of effort ignoring a problem, pretending it’s not there, and refusing to deal with it.

And to a non-avoidant person faced with this, often it feels as though the issue at hand (whatever it is) is actually resolvable. And likely could have been easily resolved with considerably LESS effort than there seems to be spent ignoring the problem and maintaining a (broken) status quo.

It’s like they are trying to talk to someone while the other person is walking around with their hands over their ears chanting “la la la la la, not listening”.

Relationships with avoidant people can be difficult, because couples often get stuck with issues that often seem normal, or manageable. However because the avoidant partner won’t acknowledge the issue they are unable to move forward and improve.

So every leaky faucet has the potential to cause the whole relationship to crumble down around them.

And let’s face it, we all have leaky faucets.

Admitting to issues in your relationship is never easy, but if you don’t you can never, EVER resolve them. And you can never improve.

For any avoidant people, I ask you this – what is your goal? What is more important to you?

Is it more important to create the illusion of a perfect relationship and not have to deal with issues (even when you know that the issues are there)?

Or it is more important to have the best relationship you can?

A while back I read an article on couples counselors, and in it the counselors talked about how their ability to help a couple is often hampered because couples frequently come to them YEARS later than they should have. I suspect this is often due to avoidance, where a couple is refusing to deal with their faucets until the relationship is crumbling around them.

People can talk about priorities, but actions are much more important than words. So if someone “says” they want their relationship to be better but they refuse to work to improve it? Well, they are showing that they find the pain of a broken relationship to be less than the pain of trying to work on things. THAT shows true priority.

And if pretending things are good even when you know they are not is more important that improving, remember that if the rot sets in too deeply there will be no way to pretend any more.

Conflict comes from differences and differences are just part of who we are. Having a relationship with another person means there WILL be conflict. And accepting that conflict as normal allows you to deal with it proactively, and make your relationship the best it can be.

Strength in a relationship isn’t built through the absence of conflict, it’s built through encountering obstacles and getting through them together. So although we should never want conflict, we should always see it as an opportunity to improve on where we are.

A perfect relationship will never exist, no matter how much you pretend it does. But your relationship CAN always get stronger.

IF you accept that there are issues.

IF you accept that conflict is an opportunity for improvement.

And IF you are willing to face your issues and work on them.

If you can do those things? Then your relationship will never be perfect, but it will be as strong as you make it.

4May2016

Why “Nice Guys” (and Girls) Finish Last

Posted in Appreciation, couples, Dating, Emotional Intelligence, Happiness, Identity, Life, Love, Nice Guys, Relationship Help, Relationships, Self-Improvement, Self-Love by zombiedrew2

NiceGuyHeader

Nice guys finish last. Girls like “bad boys”. This is something all guys hear or think at one point in time or another.

We hear this often enough that guys are often led to believe we have to be cocky, act like jerks and treat women badly. This idea is used in romance movies, which depict scenes of guys worrying about how long they should wait before calling someone, or how to show they are interested in someone without coming across as too interested. Maybe they should play hard to get, or appear interested in someone else in order to try and make the person jealous. We are taught that if we learn to “play the game” we will be able to get the girl we want.

And if we don’t get the girl we want?

Well, then we either don’t know how to play the game or it’s not really our fault. It’s because we are “a nice guy”, and that’s not what she really wants. After all, nice is boring, and she wants a bad boy. So nice guys finish last.

Is this really true? I guess there is some element of truth to it or the perception wouldn’t exist. But do women really want to be treated like crap, or have guys treat relationships like some sort of game?

Disclaimer here – I’m not a woman so I really don’t know. But for some reason I doubt it.

Maybe there are some women who do, but even if that WERE the case, as a guy would you really want to be with a woman who wants to be treated badly? If a woman respects herself, why would she put up with that kind of treatment? Does she believe she deserves it? If so, why would any guy really want a woman who thinks that poorly of herself?

No, I don’t think it’s treating someone badly that matters. Maybe I’m naive, but I think women do want to be treated with respect and kindness.

However they probably also want someone who is confident in themselves. Someone who knows what their values and boundaries are, and is willing to establish and enforce them.

What Would You Do For Love?

Have you ever heard the saying “I would do anything for you”?

Sounds great right? Sounds romantic? Maybe it makes someone feel special, or important; and let’s face it – we all like to feel special and important.

But if you would do anything for the other person, what is that REALLY saying?

It’s saying that YOU don’t matter. It’s saying that what the other person wants and needs is more important than your own wants and needs.

And that is really unhealthy.

This does actually happen in relationships. People try to be what they think the other person wants instead of just being who they are. And maybe they don’t actually know who they are, so they are trying to find that through someone else.

But to be in a healthy relationship you need to love and respect yourself first, because you matter too.

What do you want?

We are all driven by wants and needs, so what do you want? What do you need as part of your relationship in order to be happy? What is your primary love language? What level of closeness are you looking for in your relationship?

How do you want to be treated, and more specifically what are some things that bother you, and are things that you simply can’t accept in a relationship?

These are things that are part of what makes you YOU, and they are independent of who you are with. They would apply with any partner.

These are your boundaries, and they are important to your own sense of identity.

We don’t often think about what our boundaries are, and I suspect most people can’t articulate theirs. At some level though we all have them and know them. When we are hurt, or disappointed it is often because someone has violated or not respected our boundaries.

I think people who have a strong sense of identity have a better idea of what their boundaries are, and are more willing to enforce them (than people who don’t have a strong sense of identity).

And that’s the part where the stereotypical “nice guys” get it wrong. They either don’t have strong boundaries, or they don’t value themselves enough to enforce them. They want to be loved, and they want to be accepted (which I suppose we all do to some degree). But “nice guys” are so eager to please someone else that will constantly put the other person’s needs ahead of their own.

But wait a minute…

Aren’t we supposed to give? Aren’t we supposed to put our partner first?

Yeah, not so much.

I mean, we ARE, but not at our own expense (at least not consistently). Instead of putting our partner first, I like to think of it as we should be putting them on the same level as ourselves.

Their needs and wants had damned well better matter to us. At the same time though, their needs and wants don’t trump our boundaries. For a healthy relationship, we need to find a way to make both of these things work together.

It makes sense in theory (to me anyhow), but in practice finding that balance can be very difficult.

What About Nice Girls?

If the negative connotations of being a nice guy come from someone trying to be what they think the other person wants (due to a lack of self-confidence, assertiveness and poor enforcement of boundaries), is this just a problem for guys?

Aren’t there women out there with the same issues? If so, why do we hear about “nice guys finishing last” but we don’t often hear something similar about nice girls?

It seems clear that there are women out there with the same issues. But “well, she’s nice” is usually guy-code for “she has a nice personality” aka “yeah she’s nice but I’m not attracted to her at all”. So the issue there seems to be more one of attraction. Maybe it is the same thing though, because a lack of confidence, boundaries and assertiveness really isn’t very attractive.

Perhaps another reason you don’t hear as much about “nice girls” is due to differences in the way guys and girls are raised.

Quick note – generally I don’t buy into gender differences (they exist, but I see them as more resulting from socialization than from any core differences). Plus, I don’t believe anything can be painted with broad brush strokes – so I’ll think of this more as gender “trends” than actual differences.

That said, I think women are commonly raised with more of an expectation of being nurturers than men. It doesn’t mean they necessarily lack self-confidence, but I do think women are likely to be less assertive and have more fluid boundaries. They are more likely to make personal sacrifices “for the betterment of the relationship, or the family” than men – often to their own detriment.

Due to this, I suspect those traits are just as common with women as they are with men, but for some reason they are less likely to be seen as “a problem” with women.

Just Be Yourself

Personally, I think genuinely being a nice guy is largely a good thing. It means you actually care about those around you. But being someone who lacks self-confidence and either doesn’t know what their own personal boundaries are or doesn’t enforce them is unhealthy; as it means you don’t have a strong sense of self.

For any potential nice guys (and girls) out there, a few unsolicited words of advice:

No one wants a doormat. Sure people want to be loved and supported, but I think people also want to be challenged. And they want someone who is willing to call them out (nicely of course) when they are wrong.

Be yourself, whoever that is (and if you aren’t sure who you are, then that’s a bigger problem). There’s really no point in trying to change yourself to be what you think someone else wants. If someone doesn’t like you for who you are, how in the world does it help you to try and be what they want? Because that means what they want isn’t actually you.

For a relationship to be successful you will ultimately need to grow and accept influence from the other person. But if you are trying to be what you think the other person wants, the relationship is really being built on false pretenses. Eventually you will grow resentful for having spent your time playing a role (though it will largely be your own fault). And your partner may not be very appreciative when they find out your aren’t who you were portraying yourself as.

And lastly, remember that loving someone doesn’t mean doing anything for them. Wanting to do things for someone else is great, but you matter too. Know what your boundaries are, and be willing to enforce them. Saying “no” sometimes doesn’t mean you love the other person any less. It just means you love yourself more.

7Mar2016

Independence and Interdependance

Posted in Commitment, Conflict, couples, Emotional Intelligence, Individuality, Life, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help by zombiedrew2

puzzlepieces

I was talking to a buddy recently, and he told me that there was something he wanted to buy for himself. It was around a $500 item (not cheap, but not crazy expensive), so he asked his wife if she minded if he bought it. She said yes she was fine with it, so he went out and bought the item.

When he told me this I asked him what he would have done if she had said no.

After thinking about it a bit, he responded that he really didn’t know. Thankfully, that hadn’t come up.

I didn’t ask the question to be a jerk, and I don’t think there’s really a right or wrong answer. But the scenario illustrates to me one of the most difficult aspects of a relationship; the balance between “we” and “me”.

We are all individuals first and foremost, with our own needs and wants. When we become part of a couple though, we become something more. That’s not to say that you cease to be an individual when you become part of a couple. But it does raise the question of how these two identities co-exist.

Where does the individual end and the couple begin?

Doing What You Want

To me that is at once the biggest change and biggest sacrifice in a relationship. You are building your life with another person, so you can no longer act like you are single.

You can’t just “do what you want” anymore. Yet at the same time, what you want still matters.

That’s not a problem when your needs and wants line up with your partners. But in any relationship there will be times that they don’t.

This can present a conundrum, and it’s not easy to find the balance between independence and inter-dependence.

To anyone who says they can do whatever they want in their relationship, I say you are either kidding yourself or you are selfish. And if you’re being selfish? Well, that goes against one of my 3 rules/guidelines for a successful relationship; and when you act that way over an extended period of time I believe your relationship will suffer for it. So it’s probably not a formula for long term success.

I suppose it may feel like you can do whatever you want if your wants happen to always line up with that are beneficial to the couple; but I doubt that ever happens all the time.

You shouldn’t feel constantly restricted in your relationship, and if you do it’s probably not a healthy relationship for you. But I think it’s safe to say that in a relationship there will always be times when you need to sacrifice what you want for the benefit of the couple.

Seeking Permission

Going back to my buddy’s scenario, did he really need to get her permission? If it’s something he wanted, should he have had to ask her to buy something for himself, or should he have just gone out and done it? And if he really wanted it, what should he have done if she had said no?

I’ve seen different opinions on this kind of thing before. Sometimes I see people get angry at the thought of having to “ask for permission”. Taking the approach that it’s their money and they can and should be able to do with it what they want.
Others belittle someone for “asking for permission”, as if it’s a sign of weakness. Sadly this is normally men, making macho statements and questioning the “manhood” of someone who asks for permission from their wife.

Here’s my stance:

Did he need to ask her permission? No, of course not. He’s an individual who is capable of making his own decisions. However asking her, or at least saying something like “hey, I’m thinking of doing this – any concerns?” is a way of being respectful and including her in the decision making process. And in a relationship, that’s pretty damned important.

Should someone have to include their partner in every decision? Of course not. Some decisions yes, and it’s really a judgement call as to which decisions warrant some level of discussion vs. which ones you just do on your own.

For example, you probably wouldn’t even think about mentioning to your partner that you are meeting a buddy for lunch. You may mention it in passing, but if so you probably are not looking for their input. However it’s *probably* best to get input before you do something like come home with a new car.

It really comes down to whether or not your decision impacts the other person, and how much.

I recently wrote a post about the idea that what affects one person often affects both. In it I used sex as an example of something that affects both people, but the post was never really about sex. It was about relationships, and how you really need to take the other person into account and consider how your decisions and actions impact them.

When you are in a committed relationship, life isn’t just you anymore. So for the health of your relationship you probably shouldn’t act like it is. One person should never dictate the terms of the relationship.

Unfortunately we often misjudge and underestimate how our choices can impact our partners. That’s probably one of the biggest problems that leads to hurt and resentment in relationships. People make decisions they think only impacts them (and therefore shouldn’t be a big deal); when the other person feels they should have been involved. When you don’t feel involved, you don’t feel valued. And it can breakdown closeness and connection between a couple.

I think it’s always important to consider your partner when making choices. If you don’t think your decision will impact them, go ahead and do it. But if you know it will, or even if you aren’t sure, then discuss it with them first.

Yes, it lessens your autonomy. Really, that’s the trade off in a relationship – you aren’t just you anymore. And for those questioning the manhood of someone who involves their partner in decisions, I fail to see how trying to be respectful and inclusive makes someone any less of a man (or woman).

When You Can’t Agree

Now what if you really want something, and when you discuss it with your partner they say no?

In that case, I think it really depends on the reason given.

Are they saying no because it will impact other things and goals you are working towards? If so, is it really “no”, or is it a case where now isn’t a good time? Or are they saying no because they don’t like the idea, or they feel it’s frivolous?

In relationships I think one of our primary roles is to be each other’s cheerleaders. To support each other and help each other grow. Just because you don’t understand why something is important to the other person doesn’t mean it isn’t. So saying no because you feel something is frivolous isn’t very supportive.

On the other hand, saying no because it’s frivolous AND you need a new car and you are saving for braces for little Johnny or little Sally is a bit more understandable. Although it’s great to be your partners cheerleader, sometimes we also need to be their conscience when they aren’t seeing the bigger picture.

Of course, if it’s something that’s truly important to you even in spite of those things, you should be able to explain that and make a case why and do it anyway. It may cause some conflict for a while, but if it really is important to one person the other person should be able to understand.

So I guess my take on this is, yes you should be able to do what you want. But at the same time what you want should definitely be influenced by your consideration and caring for your partner and how your choices impact them.

interdependance

2Mar2016

Your Most Important Relationship

Posted in Blaming, Emotional Intelligence, Happiness, Honesty, Hope, Identity, Life, Love, Relationship Help, Self-Improvement, Self-Love by zombiedrew2

When you think of all the roles we play in life, we have different relationships with many different people.

All these different relationships make up different facets of our life, and have varying degrees of importance. Often the most important relationships in our lives are the ones we have with our children, our partner, our parents/siblings and our closest friends.

These relationships are all important, and shape us in different ways. Because they all affect is, is it fair to say that any of them is more important than others? If you had to pick one relationship in your life and say it was the most important one, what would it be? Your partner? Your children?

In some ways it’s an impossible question. But at the same time, I do think there is only one correct answer.

The most important relationship you will ever have in your life is the one you have with…

You.

Who are You?

When thinking about relationships, the one we have with ourselves is often ignored. But it’s very important because it sets the tone for virtually everything in your life.

Think of the following:

How well do you know yourself?
How well do you understand yourself?
How honest are you with yourself on your strengths, weaknesses, and insecurities?
Do you love, and value yourself?
Do you believe in yourself?

In many ways I believe your success in life (however you define that) and even your own happiness depends on the answer to these questions.

In the past I’ve asked do you love yourself?, but in this post I want to approach this in a different way.

Knowing who you are, being honest with yourself about your strengths, weaknesses and insecurities but still accepting and loving yourself in spite of them is perhaps the most important thing you can do.

A Distorted Lens

One of my core beliefs is that we are the sum of our experiences. Everything we go through in life affects us. Sometimes in small ways, and other times in larger ways. And as a result of this, we are incapable of seeing things objectively. Everything we see is filtered through the lens of our own beliefs and experiences.

what we see

That’s not to say that the same experiences will affect two different people in the same way.

Take an affair for example. When people have affairs, common reasons are that they weren’t happy, or they were looking for something that was “missing” in their relationship (At least that’s what they say. To their partners it usually seems like they are narcissists who don’t care if they hurt others in pursuit of their own hedonistic urges).

I’ll acknowledge that there are a narcissists out there, but I would like to think that for most affairs people really were unhappy and trying to fill a gap of some sort – just in a very selfish and unhealthy way.

However many people aren’t as happy as they could be, and feel they are missing things in their relationships – and they don’t all have affairs.

So what will cause one person to do this and another person not to?

Psychologists say that affairs (and other behaviors like this) aren’t really about what is wrong with the relationship or their partner. Sure, there are likely issues that contributed. But really they are all about the person who engages in the activity, and what they are lacking inside.

I truly believe this comes down to a person’s relationship with themselves. We often can’t control the things that happen to us in life. But we DO have control over how we respond to these things.

So when you accept yourself (flaws and all) and are at peace with who you are, you are better equipped to deal with adversity. When you can’t accept yourself, then you look for that acceptance through validation from others.

needingValidation

Self-Acceptance and Happiness

Why is this relevant? Because it has everything to do with your relationship with yourself.

When you can’t accept yourself for who you are and instead need to find validation of your worth from others, it leads to unhappiness. And when you can’t accept yourself, it is easy to look for reasons why you are unhappy.

But when someone is chronically unhappy it has more to do with them then it does with anything external.

We all have fears and insecurities, and it’s natural to build up walls and try to hide them.
To be truly happy and authentic to ourselves, we need to be willing to face the mirror and accept all of ourselves, both good and bad.

That’s not to say we have to accept the parts of ourselves that we don’t like. Change may not be easy, but it IS possible. However it’s impossible to change when we hide our insecurities and blame others for our own problems. It’s only when we can accept who we actually are that we can truly change.

ChangeParadox

Impacts on Relationships

I usually write about relationships, and I think the success or failure of relationships is greatly impacted by a persons identity, or sense of self.

The idea that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else is very true, as how you treat others is often a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself.

treatingothers

I have heard countless stories where a relationship fails not just because because of an incompatibility between the couple. But because one person never really knew who they were or loved themselves.

So they sublimated who they were and presented the “self” they believed was expected of them.

Over time this causes strain, as they aren’t being true to themselves and may come to resent playing a role.

Their partner has never seen their authentic self; but that’s not the partners fault, it’s because of walls they have built and what they have allowed them to see. And those walls were built out of fear. In some ways it’s due to fear of being rejected by that other person. But that fear is truly driven because they were unable to accept themselves.

Facing the Mirror

I think the strongest relationships are ones that are built on truth and authenticity. Where you have allowed yourself to become vulnerable and let the other person in. Where you have allowed them to see all of you – good and bad; and you know that they accept you and love you all the same.

That involves allowing them to truly see the authentic you, and for that to happen until you must first accept and love yourself.

self love

19Feb2016

What Affects One Person Affects Both

Posted in Commitment, Communication, Communication Issues, Conflict, couples, Emotional Intelligence, Happiness, Life, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help, Responsibility, Sex by zombiedrew2

frustrated-couple

I recently read an article on differing sex drives in a relationship, and while the article wasn’t anything new I thought the comment section was fascinating. In the comments there were women talking about the changes their bodies go through after childbirth and the toll that being a mother takes on their sex drive and desire for any physical intimacy in their relationship – often extending to cuddling, hugging and basic touch.

There were a number of women commenting (at least I assume they were women, you never know online) and a few guys chiming in as well. What struck me was a particular back and forth.

One lady mentioned that her husband wanted sex as part of the relationship, and that she just had no interest any more.

Another lady replied she had been through the same feelings, and she recommended the first lady “just do it”, as from her experience it was something her husband needed and cutting it out completely would put additional stress on the relationship.

The first lady was pretty incensed by this, saying that feeling like she needed to do something she didn’t want to felt like “emotional rape”, and that it wasn’t something her husband “needed”.

I have written in the past about the benefits of sex in a relationship. I have also written about the importance of sex to a relationship (from a guys perspective), and how sex isn’t really about sex. So yes, I’m definitely in the camp that feels sex is an important (and even necessary) component of a relationship – for both the physical and emotional benefits that it brings to the individual and the couple.

That said, I completely understand the first lady’s perspective. She’s right to say that she shouldn’t feel she has to do something that she doesn’t want to. Yeah, sometimes there are things in life you “have to do”, but doing so can breed resentment. Sex is supposed to be a form of connection and communication for a couple, and having it feel like a “duty” can destroy the connection that it is supposed to bring.

But although I believe I can understand her perspective, I think she’s overlooking one very important point.

Sex is not an individual act.

Making Choices

A marriage (or any relationship) is a partnership, and one member should never unilaterally make choices that affect both members of the relationship.

Imagine you are in a relationship and a great job opportunity comes up in another city or country. In a healthy relationship, you don’t just take the job. Instead you probably discuss it with your partner, and try to get their buy in. If you really want the job you try to sell your partner on it. Your partner needs to understand and agree with the move, and see how it benefits either them or the relationship in the long term. If, after discussion they don’t want to make the move you have a decision to make. You either don’t make the move (because although it may be what you want, it’s not right for the relationship); or you do it anyway. But if you do it anyway, there needs to be an understanding that it may cost you the relationship.

This applies to all sorts of things, and really is the primary “limitation” in a relationship.

When something affects both people, no one should expect to just do what they want. The wants and needs of the other person HAVE to matter. If they don’t, it’s not a relationship.

And I’m pretty sure sex affects both people.

So it’s not fair for one person to simply say that sex (or anything for that matter) is something that their partner doesn’t need. They can say that they don’t need it. And they can say that they don’t understand why their partner feels they need it. That’s all.

Differences in sex drive are normal, and are something most relationships find a way to navigate. Usually this results in one person having it a bit less than they would like, and the other person having to “just do it” sometimes when they might not really want to. As long as there is empathy and kindness for each others needs and some kind of compromise can be found, it isn’t a huge issue for most couples.

If a compromise that works for both people cannot be found however, then the relationship is very much at risk of failure.

Fidelity in Relationships

Most relationships have an expectation of monogamy. Personally I feel that’s a good thing; and when people step outside the relationship and have affairs or open relationships, I think they are kind of missing the point of sex. Sex isn’t just a physical act and it’s not just about your own pleasure. It is an act of intimacy, sharing, vulnerability and trust; and is symbolic of a special connection that a couple has.

Casual sex reduces it to a physical act, while in a committed relationship it is something more.

So monogamy is valuable component of a relationship (to me at least). But a sex drive is also a physical urge that differs from person to person. And for many, its presence in a relationship IS seen as a need.

When someone commits to monogamy they are committing to their partner, and from that point on their partner is the only person they will have sex with.

The unspoken part of that agreement is that sex will be part of the deal. It’s supposed to be a vow of monogamy – not a vow of celibacy.

Communicating and Caring

This brings me back to the lady who said that she doesn’t feel she should have to do something she doesn’t want to – especially something like sex.

She’s 100% right. Sex is something that should have connection and intimacy (at least most of the time). So if she’s not “feeling it”, she shouldn’t have to do anything to “appease her husband”.

At the same time, it’s perfectly reasonable for her husband to want and expect sex as part of the relationship.

Both people are right in this case.

This problem has a few layers to it. How big is the gap between what they want? What is the husband expecting? How often does he want/expect it? And how often does the wife want sex?

If one person wants it as a daily occurrence while the other person wants it weekly, that may be a problem they can figure out. If one person wants it daily and the other person want it…

…never. Well, that’s a bigger issue.

And truthfully, it’s probably not even an issue about sex.

It’s an issue of communicating, and listening to each other. And caring about and respecting each others needs. As a member or a relationship, you should care about your partners wants and needs – even when they don’t line up with your own.

That doesn’t mean you always have to meet them. But you do have to meet them sometimes, and you have to find a balance where each of you feel valued and respected.

MoreThanSex

If someone no longer wants to meet their partner’s needs, then that indicates something has broken down. Either they don’t feel valued and respected themselves so it’s a form of punishment (he/she doesn’t do things for me, so why should I do things for him/her). Or the connection in the relationship has broken down to the point that they simply don’t feel enough for their partner to care about their needs.

Either way, if the relationship has hit that point the question has to be asked – why is the couple still together? If someone either no longer cares about their partners needs, or they feel that withholding affection as a form a punishment is acceptable, then the partnership has broken down.

A relationship has to be about more than just two individuals looking out for themselves.

Meeting in the Middle

A while back I wrote about the three keys to a successful relationship. Love each other, don’t be selfish, and communicate.

If someone wants sex on a daily basis and they expect their partner to meet their needs in that way, I see that as being selfish and not very loving.

However, I also feel the same way about someone saying sex isn’t a need and they should never have to have it if they don’t want it. If there is a large gap in sex drives that stance not very loving and is just as selfish.

If you want to be loving and unselfish, you communicate and find something that works for both people. One person should never be dictating terms of anything that impacts both people.

That’s not what a partnership is about. The couple needs to communicate, show empathy and caring for each other’s needs, and try to find a compromise.

Everyone has their own beliefs and boundaries; and establishing your own boundaries and sticking to them is important. So I understand the idea of never having to do anything you don’t want to.

But when those boundaries put a couple in continuous conflict, something has to give. They either find a way to make their boundaries overlap, or they need to accept that their relationship will not work.

To the lady who said she should not have to do anything she doesn’t want to – she’s 100% right. But that doesn’t mean she can expect things to be her way and also expect to hold onto the relationship. That’s a fairly one sided approach to relationships.

To hold onto the relationship, both she and her husband need to find a way that they can both be satisfied. He could accept things only on her terms (which will likely cause resentment). She could accept things on his terms (which will also cause resentment).

Or they could both love each other, not be selfish, communicate, and try to find a path that works for both of them.

sacrificetorelationship

18Jan2016

Communication Is Hard

Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Avoidance, Communication, Communication Issues, Conflict, couples, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions, Happiness, Life, Love, Relationship Help, Relationships, Self-Improvement by zombiedrew2

In life, communication is probably one of the most important skills we can learn.

But it’s also one of the hardest.

I recently had a bit of a back and forth with my sister, and it became clear that we were not “getting” each other. The communication was through email, and while written communication allows people an opportunity to get their thoughts out in an organized fashion, it is also prone to misinterpretation.

See, we all have our own triggers and filters. So no matter how clear one person *thinks* they are being, they can’t control how the other person will receive the message. This idea is summed up pretty well here:

what we see

It’s true, we don’t see things as they are presented. We see things as we interpret them. These interpretations are based on our own experiences, and sometimes they can be quite different from the initial intent.

This concept was definitely played out in our interaction.

She had some thoughts and ideas she wanted to share, I received them, interpreted them in a different way then what was intended, and responded accordingly. Sadly, this sort of thing happens all the time.

What makes matters worse though is that when she saw my response, she thought she had offended me. And because she thought she had offended me, she felt it was best to apologize and not address the issue any further.

How We Can Help

Maybe it’s just me, and my own poor communication skills – but I see this everywhere. We all have moments where we are scared to say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing, and hurt someone we care about. So often, we say or do nothing.

It’s natural, and understandable. But I feel this approach is very broken.

When you care about someone, you will hurt them sometimes. You will piss them off sometimes.

And that should be alright. That’s part of what a relationship is about.

When you genuinely care about someone, you care when you see them hurting. And you want to support them and help them however you can. Thing is, you can’t actually “do” anything. With the people we love, we can be there to listen and support them. And we can try to make suggestions and advise them. But that’s about it.

Incidentally, this is one area that guys seem to get themselves in trouble. Guys are “fixers”. We have a hard time listening without thinking solution. Not sure why, but it seems to be something that’s hardwired into us. And from what I read/hear/see, women don’t actually like that. Sometimes they want to talk and have us guys just listen and not say anything. Ladies, I have to tell you – sometimes it’s really freaking hard to do that.

In any case, everyone has their own battles to face, and only they can face them. So even when someone you care about is hurting, or you think they are making poor decisions, or you think you can help them – you can’t actually do anything more than listen, support and advise.

It’s the advising part that gets us in trouble though.

Dealing with Advice

When offering advice, how you do it is very important. It always has to be done in a way that is about the issue or behavior at hand, and not the person. No matter how careful you are though, you still have no control over how the other person will interpret what you say.

And sometimes the recipient will not to be receptive to what you have to say.

People don’t like being criticized, told they are wrong, or feel they are being told what to do. And advice can often feel like all of those things.

It’s important to remember advice is often an attempt at constructive criticism, and not the same as being critical of the other person. It’s only when it is poorly presented or when we are oversensitive that they things can appear the same.

If you are someone who can’t take criticism (constructive or not), consider this. People often provide advice for two different reasons:

they feel they know everything, and they are more than happy to share their opinions (solicited or not). Often trying to force their ideas on someone else
they feel they may have experiences/knowledge that gives them insight into what someone is going through, and they want to share that to try and help the other person

These are two very different approaches. And when in doubt, it’s probably a good idea to assume that someone is giving advice because they do actually care, and want the best for you.

Learning to accept criticism is very important.

Everyone’s experiences are different, and no two situations are exactly the same. Even if they were, we are all different so what works for one person won’t necessarily work for another. But we can still try to learn from each other. Learning is all about doing things, seeing flaws in our approaches and learning from them.

We can’t learn unless we accept the flaws and limitations in how we do things. And sometimes we are blind to those flaws, and need some guidance from the people who care about us.

criticismImprovement

If someone can’t take criticism, often this is more an issue with them and their own insecurities. But it means they often remain stuck, and unable to improve on where they are.

Afraid to Offend

When people care about each other, they shouldn’t be worried about hurting each other. They should be careful about what they say and not hurt the other person intentionally, but hurting each other is part of caring about the other person. They tend to go together.

It’s only when you do care about someone that they have the capability to hurt you.

I think good communication is about being able to say what you feel is right without fear of how the other person will interpret it. And also being able to accept that your thoughts may or may not be accepted the way you want, and that’s alright.

A big issue with communication is that people worry too much, and end up scared to say the important things because they feel the other person will not see it as information/advice, and will instead take it as an attack.
So instead they say nothing.

When it comes to the people we love and the people we care about, I think one of the most important things we can do is learn to say “no”, or to say “I disagree”. If I’m being selfish, a jerk, or an idiot – I WANT the people I care about to call me out, to tell me that how I am acting or what I am doing is not acceptable.

It may hurt, and it may piss me off. But that’s alright.

To my sis, I know she cares. We won’t always see eye to eye, and that’s alright. If there’s something she wants to say, I don’t want her to ever be scared to say it. If I think she’s out of line I will tell her. But I’ll also listen, and consider what she has said.

And to me, that’s a big part of what relationships are about.

avoidingCriticism

23Nov2015

Passive Aggression

Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Avoidance, Blaming, Commitment, Communication, Communication Issues, Conflict, couples, Effort, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions, Expectation, Happiness, Honesty, Life, Love, Marriage, Passive Aggression, Relationship Help, Self-Improvement by zombiedrew2

gasmask_header

In my last post I talked about Avoidance, and how avoidance is one of the most destructive things you can do. It limits quality of life and personal happiness while also doing damage to relationships.

Relationships require communication – even (perhaps especially) about the difficult things in life, while avoidant people withdraw or check out when confronted with anything difficult or uncomfortable.

The avoidant approach is, why deal with something if you can ignore it? After all, if you ignore something long enough it will just go away on its own right?

Spoiler alert – it doesn’t. Actually, things just get worse. And here’s one of the main reasons why…

Avoidant people may do their best to avoid conflict, and they may “think” they are succeeding. But everyone has emotions, and feelings; and eventually these frustrations find a way out. But since they have never developed healthy ways to express and deal with emotions and feelings, they find “subtle” ways to express them.

Ways that are very, very damaging.

The Four Horsemen

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work John Gottman says he can predict with a fairly high degree of accuracy whether or not a couple will succeed or fail. And one of his beliefs is the existence or amount of conflict itself has nothing to do with the success of a relationship.

What matters is HOW a couple fights.

He describes the following “corrosive negative behavior patterns” as being the strongest predictors of divorce, or as he put it – “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”.

Criticism: No relationship is perfect, and we all have things about our partners that make us unhappy. Complaints are fine and are about behaviors you want to change. A criticism is a way of expressing the complaint that becomes an attack on the other person. With criticism, the issue isn’t the behavior – it’s the other person.
Contempt: This is the use of things like threats, name calling and insults. Contempt is when there is an air of superiority, and the offending person focuses on their partners mistakes instead of appreciating them and seeing the good. The existence of contempt is the highest predictor or divorce in a marriage
Defensiveness: This is when any attempt at discussion of issues becomes interpreted as an attack. When people get defensive, they attempt to “protect themselves” by doing things like counter-attacking, denying, or re-directing the conversation away from the topic at hand. There is no acceptance of the issue, or acceptance of responsibility. If you think back to my post on accountability, defensiveness is the first few steps – denial, blaming/justifying
Stonewalling: This is when in a discussion the listener emotional withdraws or “checks out” on the discussion. They likely are feeling emotionally overwhelmed, or flooded by the discussion; so they don’t engage. They may listen, but they don’t focus or give any clues they are actually paying attention. For the person trying to have a discussion, they feel ignored.

The first two are predictors of early divorce (supposedly 5.6 years after the wedding), while the next two predict later divorce (16.2 years after the wedding). Defensiveness and Stonewalling are the hallmarks of avoidance, and they are classic signs of passive aggressive behavior.

What is Passive Aggression?

Passive aggression is perhaps the worst thing you can do in a relationship. If you aren’t familiar with passive aggression, here’s another term for it – treating your partner like crap (I’m not sure if that’s the official scientific term. If not it probably should be).

What does passive aggression look like?

I found a great description of it at this site:

Passive Aggressive behavior can be defined as conduct which is conflict avoidant. Anger is not openly expressed but manifests itself by way of covert resistance, procrastination, withdrawal, sarcasm and more.

Broken agreements, withholding emotional support and/or sex, sabotage, sulking and silent treatment are all common features of passive aggressive behavior.

Many Passive Aggressive people simply refuse to contemplate that they might be doing anything wrong and simply do not believe their conduct to be anything untoward.

Basically it’s “conflict avoidant” behavior, where the real feelings of conflict (anger/frustration/resentment) leak out in other ways.

Passive Aggressive Behaviors

Here are a number of common passive aggressive behaviors (cobbled together from a number of sources):

Refusing to say what you mean. This is when someone will say one thing (usually what they believe the other person wants to hear) even when they don’t actually mean it. Sometimes they will say Yes when they really mean No. Or they will say “We’ll See” instead of saying No outright. But then they show what they “really mean” through their behavior.

Putting on a false face. This is similar to the previous one, but at a bit different. Passive aggressive people will often appear to be kind and agreeable, while inside they are actually hurt, angry or resentful.

Afraid to be alone, but also afraid of being dependent. There are difficulties with communication due to a fear of rejection that make relationships difficult. At the same time emotional walls are built to keep close relationships at a distance because there is a fear of dependence. Passive aggressive people do want relationships, but only on their terms. There is a strong need for control.

Learned Helplessness/Victimization. When conflict arises (which it will), the inability to deal with it often leads to anger and resentment. However instead of recognizing the problem is due to a lack of communication, it is perceived as being the other persons fault. “They” did this, or that. They caused the conditions that led to the anger (which of course is seen as justified). There is no ownership by the passive aggressive person. They are a victim of others being hard on them, unreasonable or expecting too much.

Resenting Demands/Expectations of others. Relationships have expectations, and these expectations form the boundaries of relationships. Passive aggressive people will often view others demands/expectations as unfair or unjust. But rather than expressing this and trying to find a path that works for both people they will hold things in and allow resentment for the other person to build.

Procrastination. Everyone procrastinates sometimes, but for a passive aggressive person procrastination is a form of control and punishment. They don’t like “having” to do things, especially when this is related to the expectations of others. So they won’t. But instead of saying they won’t, they make them wait and come up with excuses on “why” they haven’t been able to. When someone calls them out on their lack of follow through on things they either promised of agreed to, the passive aggressive person will often find ways to turn it around and blame the other person for why things aren’t done.

Not giving honest answers. When dealing with uncomfortable topics passive aggressive people will usually try to change the subject. When they can’t, they often say a lot of things without actually saying anything. Often no real answer is given. Or instead of being truthful, they will withhold information, and be selective in what they say and how they respond. They may not “lie”, but honesty is not just about the words you say. The ones you don’t say are often just as important.

Sulking/Withdrawing/Pouting. When things aren’t going their way, or they are unhappy about a situation passive aggressive people will shut down emotionally and withdraw. They will withhold affection, kindness (and empathy really) as a way of “showing displeasure”. Again, this is about punishment and control. Silent treatment and “walking away” are common ways of “dealing” with issues. This may sound a lot like tantrums. Well guess what, they are. This sort of behavior is basically an adult tantrum by someone who has never learned to communicate and deal with emotion in a healthy way.

Keeping Score. Passive aggressive people have a very difficult time letting things go. We all have times people hurt or disappoint us. Instead of confronting the issues, dealing with it and letting it go; passive aggressive people will hold onto things. Not only do they not let go, they also often feel someone doing something to them entitles them to do something in retaliation/response. In relationships (especially ones that matter to us) taking this approach is destructive, and will only escalate things.

Silent Treatment. This is one of the hallmarks of passive aggression, as well as being one of the great killers of relationships. When someone is upset they withdraw – emotionally and/or physically. Passive aggressive people often tell themselves they do this to ensure they don’t “say something they will regret”, and there is some truth to that. But they never return, and never deal with the issue at hand. They avoid it, and this becomes both a way of dealing with things as well as a form of punishment and control.

passiveaggressivequote

Take a good look at the items in the above list.

I’m pretty sure any rational person will accept these are all COMPLETELY TERRIBLE things to do to your partner. Hell, they’re terrible ways to treat people who you DON’T like; never mind ones you are supposed to be building a life with.

That said, we ALL do these things once in a while. But people with healthy communication and conflict skills realize they are being an asshole when they do it, while passive aggressive people don’t seem to see a problem with it – or they have a long list of excuses and reasons (usually someone elses fault) as to “why” they are doing it.

At least at some level though, even the people exhibiting these behaviors have to KNOW these are self-destructive behaviors that are damaging their relationships; as many of these behaviors are selfish, petty and cruel. These behaviors don’t belong in a “loving relationship”.

So why?

Why willfully engage in behaviors that at some level they know are destroying their relationships?

Why do it?

An Inability to Cope

There are two main reasons people are passive aggressive.

They don’t realize they are doing it
They don’t know any other way.

One thing to be clear on…

…when you look through these behaviors it can make it seem like passive aggressive people are horrible monsters. They’re not.

Often they are good, kind people “most” of the time. They simply been taught conflict is bad, so they have spent their lives repressing feelings and negative emotions, and have never learned how to effectively communicate and deal with conflict. As a result they are emotionally crippled, and shut down in the face of negative emotions.

Passive aggressive behavior often goes hand in hand with anxiety and avoidance, because at it’s root it is about a fear of conflict, and a feeling of powerlessness and helplessness that comes with being unable to deal with conflict.

Conflict happens though. It’s a natural (and needed) part of life. So passive aggressiveness is really about an inability to cope with the reality of life. This is why many passive aggressive people try to present an image of perfection. It allows them to create and escape to a fantasy world where conflict doesn’t exist.

Healthy Conflict

At the beginning I talked about John Gottmans book, and how he believes there are behaviors that are good predictors of divorce. Passive aggression is one of the biggest ones.

Well, what does a “healthy” relationship look like according to him? Gottman says the signs of happy couples are:

Couples who behave like good friends and handle their conflicts in gentle, positive ways.
Couples who are able to repair negative interactions during an argument, and are able to process negative emotions fully.

See the key words in those two things?

Handles conflict.
Deal with negative emotions.

These are things the avoidant and passive aggressive person either can’t or won’t do.

There is good news though.

People are not avoidant or passive aggressive by nature. It is a communication and coping style that is learned. Because of this, it is also something that can change.

I’ve written on change in the past, and although it’s not an easy thing to do is CAN happen. But for it to happen, the person making the change needs to truly understand how their behavior is hurting them. They need to face the mirror, and realize the way they have approached things has not been working.

If you are someone who defaults to avoidance or passive aggression as your default coping mechanisms, here’s something to consider:
Avoidance and Passive Aggressive behavior are among the most damaging behaviors one can have. When you look up “Toxic Behavior” the behaviors listed are usually lists of both passive aggressive and avoidant behavior.

If having your default coping mechanisms defined as “toxic” doesn’t convince someone to try and change, I not sure what will. However avoidance and passive aggressive behavior ARE toxic. They are behaviors we all should be aware of, try to recognize when we do, and try to minimize.

For our relationships, our happiness and for those around us.

3Nov2015

Dealing with Emotions

Posted in Anger, Avoidance, Communication, Conflict, couples, Depression, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions, Life, Love, Relationship Help, Self-Improvement, Self-Love by zombiedrew2

Anger

Of the many roles I play in life, one of the most important is that I’m the father of two young boys. Being a parent is hard, harder than I ever imagined. And one of the hardest parts (in my opinion) is trying to teach my children to manage and regulate their emotions.

It’s easy to say that emotions are normal when we are dealing with positive emotions. Joy, laughter, curiosity, excitement, anticipation etc. But you can’t have positive emotions without also accepting the negative ones – things like anger, fear, guilt, despair, grief, shame and apathy.

We aren’t all one thing. We can’t always be happy, and we can’t always be positive. We need to accept all parts of ourselves, and be able to express them.

Recently I came across the following quote about anger:

AngerAristotle

I think this quote is perfect. Everyone gets angry sometimes. Anger is a normal and natural response to some sort of external stimuli. But having your level of anger be appropriate for the situation at hand? That’s a lot harder. And directing your anger at the right person, to the right degree, for the right reason? Much, much harder.

Emotions and Mental Health

A while back I came across this video, and it’s probably one of the most powerful 3 minutes you can spend (seriously, if you haven’t seen it check it out). It’s described as an exploration of masculinity, but to me it’s really about emotion, trying to learn and conform to what is considered “acceptable” emotion; and the problems people encounter when they try to suppress emotions and feeling that aren’t seen as acceptable.

Emotions are natural responses to external stimuli. When we try to suppress them, we are trying to deny part of what makes us who we are. And when we suppress them over an extended period of time, we do considerable harm to ourselves. The result of trying to suppress emotion is found in pain, misdirected anger, fear and loneliness. Over time this can even lead to depression.

So no, we should never try to repress emotions. Crying, anger, sadness – these are all normal, and acceptable. Going back to the Aristotle quote, the key is to be able to have an appropriate level of response.

The video above is focused on boys and men and notions of masculinity, so it applies to me as a father of two boys. But the suppression of emotions or treating emotions as “bad thing” is a wider problem. One that affects everyone – man or woman, young or old.

Emotions and Relationships

Which brings me back to my normal topic – relationships. Relationships are supposed to be a place of safety – both physically and emotionally, and emotions are also a big part of what brings us together initially. One of the key aspects of a relationship is how the other person makes us “feel”, and how we feel about ourselves around them.

I believe that when relationships struggle and/or fail often it is not due to a lack of love, but rather because of an inability to regulate emotions.

Our physical and emotional health are linked. Most people are more irritable when they are feeling stressed, or even if they are just tired or hungry. And I suspect we all know that when we are irritable we are prone to take out our emotions on others.

When this happens, our response is no longer in line with the event.

We are all human, so at least at some level we get it, and are normally willing to accept it from our partners. But it becomes an issue when it is a pattern of behavior. When the other person is frequently irritable, easily angered, and directs the anger at other people, or at inappropriate levels for the issue at hand.

We need to recognize when this is happening, recognize when it has become a problem, and take steps to prevent it.

Some people will claim “This is just how I am”, but that is absolutely the wrong approach. Yes people are different. Some are more sensitive than others, and yes we change over time.

But when your ability to regulate emotions is affecting your life and spilling out into your relationship, it’s a problem.

Often people have excuses. Yes, I lashed out – but I was having a bad day. But the baby was crying, but I was hungry, but…

There is always a reason, and taken individually they are usually valid. It’s not about specific incidents though, it’s about patterns of behavior.

Even the best of people have times when their tempers are short, and they take that out on someone they shouldn’t. The question is, how frequently does it happen (better not be often), and after it does what is the response. Does someone own the action and show remorse? Or do they just try and pretend it never happened?

Patterns of negative emotions or patterns of anger where we take out our frustrations at the wrong person or to the wrong degree over a period of time has a name.

Emotional Abuse.

Emotional Abuse

Everyone has moments where they say things they “didn’t mean to”. Guess what, when you lash out at someone, whether you meant to or not doesn’t change what has happened. It’s one thing when these are rare moments that are out of character for someone, and they are genuinely apologetic or embarrassed afterwards. Then perhaps you can chalk it up as a poor response to external stress. But when outbursts become more common, all the apologies in the world don’t matter. It is the behavior that matters, not the words.

brokenPlate

To put this in perspective, in physically abusive situations the abuser will often claim they “didn’t mean” to hit their partner. And maybe they didn’t. Commonly they will say (or think) it happened because “you made me do it”. They believe that they wouldn’t have hit the other person if their partner hadn’t done something to make them angry enough to do it. In truth, there probably was some incident – but the response was completely unacceptable and out of line with the actual issue.

Emotional abuse is based on the same premise. But the scars that it leaves aren’t as easily seen.

Letting Emotion In

I don’t profess any expertise here, but I suspect in cases of physical and emotional abuse, the abuser is like the boys from the video. They are people who have never learned to accept their emotions, and as a result they have never learned to regulate them.

Maybe they were told “not to cry” because crying is for sissies. Maybe they were punished for showing emotions, or they felt that emotions made them weak.

As father of two young children, I will admit to moments of frustration when my children are having tantrums, or crying over “silly things”. I try to teach them that all emotions are fine, and acceptable.

I don’t want them thinking that it’s wrong to cry, or that they have to “be strong” all the time. I want them to express life the way that is right for them. To love, laugh, and cry. To accept that anger is natural, but to not let it poison them and their relationships. And to not be ashamed of who they are.

I have no idea how I’m doing, and I probably won’t know for many years to come. But that’s my goal, and it’s something I will always strive towards.

Misdirected Anger

As I said above, we all have moments that we inadvertently (hopefully) take our anger and frustration out on those we love. If you are someone who struggles with anger, and find that this has become a pattern I have one question for you.

Why?

Why would someone stay with me if I was always irritable or angry? And more importantly, if I frequently direct anger towards them with inappropriate levels or at inappropriate times?

In relationships, conflict happens. It’s natural, and can actually be very healthy. After all, if there is no conflict how are you learning? How are you growing as a couple? Encountering and overcoming obstacles together is probably one of the greatest ways to bond as a couple.

So don’t try to suppress conflict. Accept it, and allow it in. And allow all the emotions that comes with it to come in as well. But try to do this in a healthy way.
Although anger is natural and should not be held in, it needs to be directed at the right person, and at the right level. In accepting our emotions we still need to be respectful of those around us. And learning to do this consistently is something that can take a lifetime.

	zombiedrew2 on An Open Letter to Cheater…
	zombiedrew2 on Expectation vs. Entitlement
	Ren on Expectation vs. Entitlement
	myownperson on An Open Letter to Cheater…
	chameleon18 on Learning to Speak