Emotional Walls

Posted in Anger, Avoidance, Communication, Communication Issues, Conflict, couples, Happiness, Identity, Love, Marriage, Passion, Relationships, Self-Improvement by zombiedrew2

brick-walls

Over my last few posts I have been exploring attachment and emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is what brings couples together. We all want to feel loved and valued. We all want to be accepted for who we are, quirks and all.

In Building Closeness and Intimacy I looked at how emotional intimacy, or closeness is initially created. There really is no secret science to building closeness. It requires mutual self-disclosure (that’s a fancy term for sharing information about each other). It requires opening up and letting the other person in. That’s a simple fact, and at least on some level anyone who has been in a relationship know this.

I’m not sure if anyone ever lets the other person “fully in” to their world, but the degree to which we do determines the degree of satisfaction we can have in our relationships. So why is it so hard sometimes to let other people in? Why do we build walls, and hold back in a relationship?

When we are talking about dating, it’s understandable that we don’t let other people in. Trust takes time to build, and as the relationship develops the walls we build around ourselves should come down.

But what about marriages or other long term relationships? If you are able to commit to life with someone, should that mean you are able to let them in?

Impacts of “Holding Back”

Unfortunately that’s not always the case. Even in marriages and long term relationships, we don’t always let our partners in. We all have our secrets; moments in our lives that we aren’t proud of or moments that we wish we could forget. In some cases there are parts of our past that we have actually been able to block out, and convince ourselves never happened.
Allowing other people into access to our hearts and souls doesn’t require us to reveal every secret, but we do need to let our chosen partners in. As individuals we choose how close we are willing to let other people get to us, and how much of us we are willing to let them know.

Here’s the problem with holding back though. It limits the depth of emotional connection we are able to achieve and limits our ability to experience satisfaction in our relationships.
This is summed up in a great quote from this article:

Keeping your guard up in a relationship is guaranteed to keep the love out too.

This reminds me of Brene Browns thoughts on numbing behaviors (from “The Gifts of Imperfection”). She said that we can’t numb selectively. If we are numbing ourselves from negative emotions, we end up numbing ourselves to positive emotions as well. So if you are holding back in a relationship, you are effectively limiting your ability to love.

This makes absolutely no sense to me. If you love someone and want a life with them, why hold back? Why have a fraction of the happiness and joy in a relationship that you could potentially have? Holding back definitely limits the satisfaction we can have, so why do people do it?

Protection against Being hurt

The most common and obvious reason people hold back in relationships is to protect themselves from being hurt.

We’ve all been hurt, and the people we love are the ones who have the ability to hurt us the most. It’s a terrible feeling, and when hurt it’s understandable to want to protect ourselves from being hurt again.

One way to do this is not allowing yourself to get too attached. After all, if you never fully let go then you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to be hurt. It’s a form of self-protection. But it’s flawed, because it results in a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You aren’t letting people in because you are protecting yourself. But doing this means you are never able to develop strong emotional attachment. As a result your relationship ends up feeling lacking, as if something is missing. The distance that has been built in ends up acting as a barrier to love.

There are two main flavors of this:

Broken trust in the existing relationship. Trust is a very fragile thing. Some of us find it easier to trust than other, but once trust is lost it is very hard to rebuild. It takes time, and while it is being rebuilt it is easy to become hyper-sensitive, seeing shadows in every corner. Here’s the thing though, if you are looking for reasons to not trust someone, you will always find them. It’s easy to read too much into things and misinterpret simple (positive) words and actions in a negative way.
Baggage from prior relationship. To me this is a really unfortunate situation. I commonly hear stories where someone has been badly hurt in a prior relationship, and because of that they decide (normally at a subconscious level) to never let that happen again. They protect themselves by walling themselves off emotionally, never giving the next person a fair chance.

Issues with Identity

Holding back due to prior hurts makes sense. It’s unproductive and does more damage than good, but it’s understandable. As I looked into reasons why people hold back in relationships, one thing that surprised me is it can happen due to issues with identity.

If someone doesn’t have a strong sense of identity, they may hold back out of a belief that if they allow someone else to get too close they will become dependent, or they will “lose control”. They fear losing their own identity in the other person, so they hold back from the relationship in order to preserve their sense of self.

Another variation on this is a fear of acceptance for who you are. In discussing this, a buddy of mine related the following story:

I feared the other person wouldn’t accept me for who I am, so I suppressed myself and conformed to what the other person wanted. The phrase “everything to everybody” sums it up. The problem is that you don’t feel accepted for who you are, so you never feel comfortable around the other person. You never relax and just be yourself as you are always vigilant for signs of rejection. I never asserted myself with others in fear of offending them with who I am. I never was accepted for who I was, and therefore, I never accepted who I was either, which led to self-loathing.

It is similar to the fear of losing yourself in the other person, as both have the fear of acceptance and rejection at the heart of the issue. They just manifest differently.

The “all or nothing” thinking came from my negative view of reality. It is a cognitive distortion and it was part of my depression. My fear was that if a person didn’t like one part of me, they would hate all of me. There was no in between. It’s not a realistic view and my cognitive behavioral therapy deals with this all or nothing thinking and changed my perspective to that which is realistic. A person may not like a part of me, but still like the other parts.

In one case someone holds back because they are afraid of losing themselves. In the other case someone holds back because they are afraid of not being accepted. There is a belief that if someone got to know the “real you” they wouldn’t love you.

Interestingly both scenarios are symptomatic of people who do not have a strong sense of identity. When you are comfortable with yourself, then you can see that another person is able to enhance your identity. You don’t fear losing your identity, and instead see a relationship as being beneficial to both parties.

Fear

In my last post where I talked about attachment styles I mentioned that anxiety and avoidance levels are the two primary characteristics leading to unhealthy attachment. People with high levels of either tend to have more issues in relationships, and it is very common for people with avoidant personality types to hold back in intimate relationships.

When you look at the reasons for holding back, at their root they all come down to fear. It may be fear of getting hurt, fear of rejection, fear of losing their identity, fear of dependency, fear of losing control, or even fear of your own feelings.

All of these lead to holding back due to a fear of intimacy itself, and this is seen most clearly in anxious or avoidant personality types. They both want and fear intimacy, and as a result they hold back. Or when too much closeness occurs, they push their partner away. It creates an emotional distance that results in them either being alone, or living largely as two people leading separate lives.

keepingguardup

People have talked about love being like a drug, and the early stages of love can definitely feel that way. But if love is a drug, then anxiety and avoidance is the antidote.

In his book “Monkey Mind: A Memoir of Anxiety”, Danial Smith talks about how for him falling in love was the magical cure for his anxiety. But it is a cure that never lasts.

Unfortunately, what an anxiety disorder does to love is far more consequential than what love can do to the disorder. Anxiety is a wily, reactive affliction; it often recedes in response to positive life events. But it seldom recedes for long. Like acne or arthritis, anxiety is always lying in wait, ready to flare back up. My anxiety came back shortly after Joanna moved in with me and when it did it quickly consumed our relationship.

In his story, Danial Smith tells how his anxiety made him hold back, and question everything. He ended up losing the love of his life, because he wasn’t sure if he even loved her. His story has a happy ending (spoiler alert!!!). He conquers his anxiety, or perhaps it’s more accurate to say that he learns how to deal with in in such a way that it no longer controls his life. And in the process he was able to win back the girl he had lost.

Learning to Let go

We all want to be loved, accepted, valued and cared for. And I think that all of us hope to find someone to be with “happily ever after, till death do us part”. But when we hold back in relationships, we are not only sabotaging our relationships, but also our happiness and our future.

At it’s root, holding back is about fear. So ask yourself, what are you really afraid of? Losing yourself? Are you afraid of rejection? Are you afraid of being hurt?

My buddy was afraid he wouldn’t be accepted for who he was, so he tried to be what he thought everyone else wanted. He was afraid of rejection. When he finally learned to let go, he found that the people who loved him loved “him”. They cared about the person he was, not just the one he portrayed.

If you are in a relationship and you are holding back or hiding yourself, you need to ask yourself if you are holding back from the people you love, or from yourself? If your loved ones accept the bits of you they have seen, why would you not believe they would love you as you are? No one is perfect. We all have our quirks. Part of love is accepting the other person and loving them for who they are.

Some people who hold back blame their partner. They convince themselves that maybe it’s their partner. Maybe they would be able to let go with someone else, if they could just find the right person. Your partner may contribute, but usually it’s something inside the person themselves.

There’s a saying, garbage in, garbage out. You only get out of life what you put into it. When you hold back, you limit your potential happiness and your future.

If you have built up walls, you are the only one who can decide if you will ever let them come down.

walls

If you have someone who loves you even with those walls, imagine how much stronger it could be if you would let them in. When you hold back, you may believe you are protecting yourself. But consider the cost.

So make the choice to let someone in. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and allow yourself to be hurt. And guess what, you probably will be. We often hurt those that we love. But better to have a strong, pure love where you accept that there will be issues, and know that you will get through them together.

30Jan2015

What’s in it for Me?

Posted in Communication, Conflict, couples, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Narcissism, Relationship Help, Relationships by zombiedrew2

images

Humans are naturally social creatures, both craving and needing relationships of all types. Our relationships are a fundamental part of who we are, yet we get no formal training on them. Instead we learn about them through a combination of observation and trial and error. Unfortunately, there is often a great emphasis on error.

Some of us are able to form healthy attachments and go on to have largely happy romantic relationships. Others form relationship that are toxic to one or both parties, and others end up largely alone. However I think the vast majority of us have relationships that are good, containing a reasonable degree of happiness – but they could be better. So how do we improve them?

People talk about chemistry, and incompatibilities between personalities. But increasingly I am convinced that the success of someone’s personal relationships is more a reflection on them, and how they have learned to form emotional attachments.

In a recent post I talked about how emotional intimacy is built and emotional attachments are formed. Emotional attachment is a funny thing though. Although it is hard wired into our DNA it’s safe to say we don’t all form healthy emotional attachments.

How it Starts

According to Attachment Theory, your ability to form emotional attachments is significantly impacted by your first emotional attachments when you were a baby. From Wikipedia:

The most important tenet of attachment theory is that an infant needs to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver for the child’s successful social and emotional development, and in particular for learning how to effectively regulate their feelings.

Let’s take a look at two diagrams:

unhealthy 1

healthy 2

Attachment starts with need. As infants we have needs that our primary caregiver tries to meet. When they are met we are content. When they are consistently met we start to form trust and attachment. But our needs aren’t always met, and when they aren’t it results in fear, anxiety and stress.

With healthy attachment we learn that our needs not being met doesn’t indicate a lack of care or love. Further, we learn that not all needs will be met, and that’s alright. In unhealthy attachment however, not having our needs met continues to results in stress, anxiety and fear.

Neglecting your child is the fastest path to damaging their ability to make healthy attachments. If their needs are never met, they will not be able to develop trust and care. But attachment theory says it is boundaries that allow a child to develop attachment in a healthy way.

At the other end of the spectrum is spoiling them. If they are used to having their needs always met (or met at an unrealistic level) it can create a sense of expectation and entitlement, also harming their ability to form healthy attachments.

As parents we often want to provide everything for our children. But as this illustrates, when we do too much we risk doing more harm than good. We need to set boundaries, and allow our children to develop independence in order for them to develop in a healthy fashion.

Healthy Attachment

In attachment theory, the two most damaging traits for forming healthy attachments are anxiety and avoidance.

attachment-diagram1

Anxiety is often seen as the fear of the unknown. It is a fear of what “could” happen, and is largely an overreaction of the fear instinct. Anxious people are often expecting the worst case scenario to happen in any situation. Avoidance is keeping away or withdrawing from something, often due to a fear of a perceived negative result.

Both traits are very damaging to relationships. Relationships are based on trust and security, which requires communication. Avoidance leads to poor communication and an inability to address the regular issues that a relationship will face. Anxiety is also very destructive to relationships. For a great summary on how it can impact love check this article. But at a high level anxiety can erode empathy and damage trust.

Attachment Styles

Attachment Theory has identified a number of attachment styles related to people’s levels of anxiety and avoidance. I’ve seen different versions of the styles, but the following chart outlines a few with some of their characteristics:

attachment-types

Looking at this chart, it’s obvious that secure attachment is the “healthy” form of attachment. As noted however, we don’t all develop in a healthy fashion.

Avoidant Attachment is the most common unhealthy attachment. People with high levels of avoidance tend to have issues with intimacy in close relationships, and do not invest themselves emotionally. Interestingly, they often crave closeness and intimacy, but they need to be in control. Once people start to get too close they start to shut them out.

This often leads to a feeling of instability in relationships. The avoidant person wants closeness, but it makes them feel overwhelmed leading them to withdraw. When they feel more secure they will look for closeness again, but they look for it on their terms.

Ambivalent Attachment is less common. Here people are reluctant to get close to others due to fear that their partner doesn’t feel the same way about them.

It’s important to note that these styles and their tendencies are not absolutes. We all have some level of avoidance and anxiety, and your levels determines where you fall on these spectrums. For example, I would like to think that I have a fairly secure attachment style (wishful thinking perhaps). But while I generally have low anxiety levels, I know I lean slightly towards avoidance when it comes to dealing with conflict.

You may be a certain way, and behavioral psychologists believe that your “go to” style is largely a result of your early years. So if you think you’re a bit messed up and you want to blame your parents? Yeah, it probably is actually their fault.

But one important thing is it is possible to change the mindsets that lead to unhealthy attachment and move more towards secure forms of attachment. Your attachment style CAN change. So even if you do want to blame mommy and daddy for who you are today, it’s up to you who you want to be tomorrow.

Building Empathy

When you look at attachment one of the things that stands out to me is in both healthy and unhealthy emotional attachment, it’s all about you and your needs. What about other people?

Somewhere along the way we have to learn that we aren’t the only ones who matter. We need to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around us. In order to have successful relationships, the needs of the other person also need to matter to us. A world of “me” needs to become a world of “we”. Learning to value the needs of others and place them at a level at or near our own is one of the characteristics of empathy.

When we aren’t being empathetic or we are focusing primarily on ourselves and our needs, we are exhibiting narcissistic behavior.

Lack of empathy is the most notable characteristic of narcissism. Additional characteristics include a sense of entitlement, a focus on how things appear to other people (things need to be perfect) and a need for admiration or external validation.

For narcissists, relationships are vehicles for them and their needs. They will put effort into the relationship as long as their own needs are met, but it is never an equal exchange, and it is never done out of genuine care and concern for the other person.

Noted researcher (and sufferer) on Narcissism Sam Vaknin writes:

I am aware of the fact that others have emotions, needs, preferences, and priorities – but I simply can’t seem to “get it into my mind.” There is an invisible partition behind which I watch the rest of Mankind and through which nothing that is human can permeate.

To me, all people are cardboard cut-outs, sophisticated motor contraptions, ersatz and robotic. I know how I should feel because I am well-read–but I cannot seem to bring myself to emote and to sympathize.

Over the years, I have deciphered the code. I have learned to imitate and emulate expertly the more common affect and expressions of one’s inner landscape. But this veneer is easily breached when I am frustrated or humiliated: the mask slips and the real Me is out: a predator on the prowl.

This is an extreme example. The true narcissistic personality type is rare (occurring in approx 6% of the population). In reality we all have some elements of narcissism within us, and when times are tough it’s common for people to just “look out for themselves”. In periods of stress or personal problems our ability to be empathetic often decreases. But the ability to be empathetic towards our partners on a consistent basis (even when times are tough) is the key characteristic that determines the quality of our interpersonal relationships.

allmine

Empathy is the most important characteristic of any close relationship, and particularly in our romantic relationships. Unfortunately we don’t all learn this, or perhaps it’s better to say we learn it to varying degrees. But no matter what your level of empathy is, it can be improved.

Focusing on Others

In relationships, we all want to be valued. We all want to be loved, desired, and appreciated for who we are. If we want that, it’s safe to assume our partner wants and needs that too.

Is thinking about yourself being selfish? No, not at all. We need to think about ourselves and take care of ourselves. However thinking of yourself to the exclusion of others is a problem.

For our relationships to survive we need to value our partners, and their needs must be important to us. For our relationships to thrive, we need to place our partners needs at the same level as ours (or at least very close). We need to understand that love means compromise. Things won’t always be the way we want, and they won’t always be the way our spouse wants. We need to be willing to work together towards a common good that benefits both.

In nature, when two organisms work together for common benefit it is referred to as a symbiotic relationship. When the benefits are very one sided, it is referred to as a parasitic relationship.

If you are unhappy in your relationship, ask yourself why. Does your relationship add value to your life? Are your needs being met? Now ask yourself if you are adding value to your partners life. Are their needs being met?

All relationships go through ups and downs. But overall your relationship should be something that adds value to both your life and that of your partner.

If it isn’t, take a look at how you approach the relationship. Empathy can be worked on and developed. Remember, it’s not about your needs. It’s about finding the way to best meet the needs of the couple, so that both are feeling valued and fulfilled. Working on improving and sustaining empathy is one of the best ways to improve your relationship and have a happier future.

23Jan2015

Putting in Effort

Posted in Communication, Communication Issues, Conflict, Happiness, Hope, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help, Relationships, Self-Improvement by zombiedrew2

effort-invest-time-like-ant

One of the myths I frequently see about relationships is that they shouldn’t require effort. There’s a line of thinking out there that if the relationship is mean to be then things will just work out. And if things don’t work out? Well then it was never true love.

It doesn’t seem to matter that absolutely every psychologist/counselor/relationship expert has debunked that myth; the line of thinking still seems to persist.

For anyone who already has the mindset that love should not require effort, I realize that I won’t sway you. But for anyone who knows at least on some level that relationships require effort, hopefully this will be a gentle reminder.

Talent vs. Effort

In all aspects of life, everyone has some degree of talent. But we also have within us the capacity to learn. No matter what your level of talent is, you can develop it and improve on it. We all know this.

Did we come into the world walking, and talking? No, those are clearly normal parts of cognitive development.

What about more complex things, like math? In math there’s a reason that we start with addition and subtraction and them move onto more complex concepts. They are foundational concepts.

In our school years, we all have certain subjects that come more naturally to us than others. These are subjects that we have some sort of aptitude, or talent for. But we can still learn the others, and the key to developing any skill is effort.

The Genetic Lottery

I don’t think anyone will disagree that effort is important, but there is a belief that effort will only get you so far. This is something that becomes clearly apparent in the world of sports. If you look at professional or Olympic athletes, these are largely people that won the genetic lottery. Depending on the sport, athletes have some combination of size, speed and agility that can be breathtaking. Often when you look at athletes, it seems clear that they have a natural talent for their chosen sport. And that’s true.

One thing that is less readily apparent is just how much effort they have expended to get to the level they are at. At the top levels, EVERYONE has natural talent. Even at that level, the key differentiator between the good and the great is still effort.

There are countless cautionary tales in sports of people who have all the talent in the world, but they don’t work hard, or they have a bad attitude and a sense of entitlement. When players believe that talent is enough, they generally don’t last long. The truly great athletes are the ones who combine a natural aptitude with incredible work ethic. Effort is the key.

Effort without talent is a depressing situation. But talent without effort is a tragedy.
Mike Ditka

Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

Some developmental psychologists believe that talent is actually somewhat of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Having an aptitude for something causes us to enjoy it more (everyone likes seeing success). That enjoyment in turn causes us to put in more effort, developing the “talent” even further.

On the converse, a lack of immediate success can result in frustration and a reduction in effort. And this reduction in effort reinforces the lack of success.

The real key is effort, and a belief in the ability to improve. That’s not to say anyone can do anything. Even if I started at a young age, I likely would never have been an Olympic athlete. But no matter what I choose to try, if I put in consistent effort I will be better at it tomorrow then I am today.

Effort in Relationships

If we can accept that effort can result in improvements, then I have to ask why we would believe that relationships should be any different? Doesn’t it stand to reason that as good or bad as a relationship is, it can always improve? And that improvement is dependent on effort?

Think back to the early days of your relationship. Maybe one person was the primary pursuer, but a relationship requires both people to put in effort. That effort likely involved making time for each other, and spending it together. And during that time as the relationship developed, probably both people did “the little things” to show the other that they cared, and were interested in continuing to grow the relationship. All of those “little things” are effort. They are showing interest in both the relationship and the other person.

Long term relationships are hard. That early level of effort isn’t sustainable. And unfortunately, all too often “life” takes over people start putting in a minimal amount of effort on the relationship.

I think part of this is human nature. When things get difficult, it can seem like it’s “not worth the effort”. But the irony is, in relationships it is likely the lack of effort that was a major contributor to things getting hard in the first place.

Practice Makes Perfect

Not all relationships are meant to be, and sometimes it definitely is better for people to go their separate ways. But for anyone who believes that if it falls apart then it “wasn’t meant to be”, I ask you to go back to the Mike Ditka quote from above.

“Effort without talent is a depressing situation. But talent without effort is a tragedy.” Your “talent” as a couple is whatever brought you together in the first place. You have at least some degree of talent, or you wouldn’t be together. The question is, what sort of effort do you put in to continue to nurture that talent?

effort

Effort needs to be sustained, and continuous. It’s not something you do once in a while, or just when you feel like it. When people say “it just wasn’t meant to be”, they may be right. But I think that line is often simply a rationalization for a lack of effort.

One mistake people make when they hear “effort” is they think “work”. Work has a negative connotation to it. In some ways they are the same thing, and the main differentiator is your mental approach to it. If you see potential value, it’s effort. If you don’t, it’s work.

Anything of value in life is worth fighting for. Personally, I would rather make some mistakes fighting for something I believe in than lose something of value due to simple apathy.

In relationships, effort should be the most important thing. No matter how things are going, effort shows that someone cares. So if you want to see growth in your relationship focus on effort and not just results. As long as the effort is there, results will come in time.

18Jan2015

Power and Control

Posted in Anger, Communication, Communication Issues, Conflict, couples, Happiness, Life, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help, Relationships, Self-Improvement by zombiedrew2

Man-woman-arm-wrestling

Power and Control. Two things you don’t ever want to think about in a relationship, but at the same time they are things that affect EVERY relationship.

Relationships are full of decisions, big and small. Where you live, how you save/spend money, who takes care of what chores, what car you drive, how you parent, how you spend your leisure time, how often you visit family. Even something as simple as what shows you watch. The list is pretty much endless.

Some decisions are individual ones, as they only affect one person. But when you are in a relationship, a surprising number of decisions actually affect both people in some way shape of form. That’s the thing about relationships; you are no longer just a “me”. You are part of a “we” and you often have to take your partner into consideration with the choices you make.

Add to this the fact that people are different. Chances are good you have some similarities with your partner, often in values and common interests. But for every similarity there are a number of ways that you are probably very different.

These differences allow us to complement and enhance one another, but when it comes time for decision making they can be sources of conflict. Big or small, conflict can happen in all decisions.

The Balance of Power

It’s safe to say that all relationships have some sort of balance of power. If you don’t like the word “power”, replace it with influence – but it’s essentially the same thing. In a perfect world it is an equal split, where both parties in the relationship have equal say in all decisions, and they contribute equally to the relationship. Reality is not that simple though, and an equal split only happens in a mythical magical world where unicorns roam the land (and perhaps not even there).

“Equal” doesn’t actually exist. And with all the areas that people can influence a relationship how would you even measure it? Some decisions have more impact than others, and others involve more efforts. But “equal” shouldn’t actually matter. Some people are more dominant and others are more passive. Some naturally take on a leadership role, and other people are happy to follow. In most relationships people find a rhythm, or a balance that works for them. That balance may be 50/50, 55/45, 60/40 or even 80/20. I can’t see how the last one would work, but as long as both parties feel they are valued, being heard, and their needs are being met it shouldn’t matter.

As a side note, in most cases I believe people actually overvalue their own contributions to a relationship in relation to their partners. If you think about it, you know about all the things that you do. Chances are, there are a number of things you do that your partner doesn’t even notice. Well if you do things they don’t notice, there are probably things they do that you don’t notice. This dynamic creates a skewed view of who is actually contributing what to a relationship. Anyhow, back to the topic at hand…

Power Struggles

If power is relatively balanced in a relationship, you probably don’t even think about it. But even in the most balanced relationships, there will be times that your needs and wants will conflict, and choices have to be made. How a couple handles these times can be very important to the relationships overall success.

Studies show that needing to be in control, or to have things “your way” is one of the fastest routes to unhappiness. No one gets things their way all the time, and it would be extremely unhealthy if they did. Relationships involve two people, and both need to feel valued. So sometimes decisions will go the way you want, and other times they won’t. The question becomes, how do you respond when things don’t go your way?

Do you accept it? Do you get angry? Do you sulk? Do you keep score, and figure your partner got their way this time, so next time it’s your turn?

Who is Right?

Maybe you think that things should be your way, because your way is usually right, or better. First off, that line of thinking is broken. In most circumstances there isn’t a “right way”. There are usually multiple approaches to accomplish the same thing and each persons ideas and contributions have at least some merit.

But just for the sake of argument, let’s assume that your ideas are consistently better than your partners. Does that mean things should be the way you want? I would argue no.

I’m reminded of my grandmother. Growing up, visiting grandma was always a highlight, and one of the things that we did was play cards. This was my introduction to gambling, as we played for money. Of course, grandma provided the money so there was never any risk to me. She would win some, and I would win some. But at the end of the day I always came home with a bit of change in my pocket.

As I got older I realized that as I was learning, grandma always held back. Cards are somewhat random, but she let me win, and let me build confidence in myself and my abilities. As my abilities grew, she played harder, until eventually we were on a fairly even level.

How well would I have learned if she didn’t hold back? If she repeatedly beat me, would I have ever learned the games? Would I have enjoyed them? Heck, would I have liked HER very much?

I’ll admit, cards are different from life. But a focus on things being “your way” immediately makes thing adversarial. It means someone else isn’t getting “their way”. As grandma taught me, even if I know I’m right, the relationship is more important than getting my way. Pick your battles. It’s important to stand up for what you believe is right, but often there is no right and wrong. Relationships aren’t just about one person. They require compromise, and letting someone else have their way is an important component of keeping the relationship happy.

Control

Are you a parent? If so, how do you get your child to do the things you want? If you aren’t a parent, how did your parents get you to do what they wanted?

A common parenting tactic is praise/reward and punishment. Praise reinforces positive behavior (the behavior we want), and punishment is intended to be a deterrent for negative behavior. Punishment can be active (scolding, spanking, time outs etc) or passive (taking something away, not talking to them, etc).

Praise and punishment are needed with children, because children are inherently selfish. They are initially unable to see the world in any way other than how it impacts them. Empathy is learned.
When dealing with your partner however, using punishment to address relationship issues is a VERY bad idea.

Dealing with Anger

Anger is natural, as we all get angry sometimes. However anger is one of the most destructive forces in a relationship, and it requires a healthy outlet. Explosive anger can create an atmosphere of fear. Withholding anger can be even worse as it can result in passive aggressive behavior.

Passive aggression is when instead of dealing with anger through discussion or confrontation, it is dealt with in a more subversive fashion. Often anger is expressed through body language, withdrawal, silence, or withholding affection.

It is understandable to not want to be around the other person when angry. But when this happens for extended periods or becomes a pattern of behavior then this about punishment and control. Passive aggression is a form or retaliation, it is something that is done to hurt or get back at someone.
Interestingly, people who exhibit passive aggressive behavior often don’t fully realize that they are doing it. For them it is simply their method of coping, and is often a result of how they were taught to deal with anger as a child.

A few notes on passive aggressive behavior:

It is one of the highest predictors of divorce
It is often a symptom of poor communication
It leads to low levels of intimacy in a marriage
It is the most common form of emotional abuse

When it comes to anger, here are a few things to think of:

Anger

the-more-anger-you-hold

Say What you Mean

There are always elements of power in a relationship. But relationships should never be about getting what you want, and struggles over power and control have no place in a relationship.

A relationship should be a place of emotional safety. It is supposed to be an environment where you are there to support each other, and each others needs. Your partners needs should be as important as your own, and shouldn’t be conditional on whether or not they have met your needs first.

If your relationship is characterized by anger (overt or passive aggression), or struggles for control, then it is not a healthy environment. But it can change. In almost all cases, this is a result of poor communication and coping skills, which likely developed prior to the relationship.

It is important to learn to communicate in a healthy fashion. Doing so will not only increase the chances of success in your relationship, but it will also help reduce tension and build intimacy. Beyond the ways that it will improve your relationship, it’s important to your own health. Anger is natural, but it helps nothing.

Anger is an acid that does more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured – Mark Twain

13Jan2015

Is the Grass Really Greener?

Posted in Affairs, Conflict, couples, Happiness, Hope, Love, Marriage, Passion, Relationship Help, Relationships, Romance by zombiedrew2

Is the grass really greener

Are you content? Is your life “enough” for you?

Content. Enough. In North America, those words seem to have taken on a negative connotation. It’s almost like we should never be happy with what we have, or who we are. There is always a push for “more”. Saying that what you have is enough has come to mean that you are “settling”. Settling is bad, because you are special, you are unique and you deserve the best!!! As a result you should never be satisfied. The danger here is that you get into this never ending cycle or always wanting more.

What’s that, you make $30k a year? Well look at all the things you can have if you made $40k. How about $50k, $100k, $2 million? There will always be more. The question is, when is something “enough”.

I used money because it’s easy to quantify different levels (2 is larger than 1). But this mindset pervades all aspects of life and one of the big areas is happiness. The “quality” of your life is seen as something that can only be measured by your own personal level of happiness. If you aren’t happy this becomes a reflection on the quality of your life. Obviously something is missing, or you need more. But what is missing?

Will a hobby help? A new job? A new relationship? Hobbies are easy to try. Jobs may be a bit more difficult (especially if you are in a career), but they are doable. Most companies understand that people are trying to build a career, and if you leave on good terms a good employee is often welcomed back.

Relationships, though? Those aren’t the sort of thing where you can just “test the waters” and see what’s out there and then come back if things don’t work out. Well technically you can, and many do. But I’m pretty sure that would be referred to as an affair, and personally I don’t advise them.

Making Changes

I suspect everyone has heard stories of people who leave relationships because they are unhappy and looking for some kind of change in their life. What they have isn’t enough, and they believe that better opportunities exist for them.

Some people make a change and find that a new start was exactly what they needed. Others make a change and eventually realize it was a mistake. Here are a few stories of the latter variety:

One buddy was married, and about a year after their first child was born his wife walked out. He doesn’t know what happened, but believes she found the reality of being a wife and a parent didn’t match up to her expectations and she didn’t want to do it anymore. He tried holding onto the marriage for a while, and they lived in separate rooms while she relived her youth and went back to the party scene. After a while he gave up and filed for divorce. He hurt for a long time, but eventually moved on with his life.

About two years after their split while doing the weekly exchange of their son his ex-wife told him she missed him, realized she had made a mistake and wondered if it would be possible for them to try again. He told me that hearing her admit it was a mistake made things worse for him, because he had never wanted their relationship to fail and he had tried his best to hold on. But by then it was too late.

Another buddy was raised by his mom, as his parents separated when he was young. While he was growing up his mom had a number of boyfriends that came and went, but none of them were around for very long. When he was older his mom admitted to him that leaving his dad was the biggest mistake she had ever made, and he doesn’t believe she’s ever really been happy in a relationship since.

In both cases the person who left the relationship wasn’t happy, and felt there was “more” out there. They felt they could be happier with a different person, or a different life. In both cases they found that life on the other side wasn’t exactly what they expected, and they didn’t appreciate what they had until it was gone.

grass weeds

Exciting and New

I have to admit, I don’t know a lot about the relationships in the above scenarios. I met the first guy a few years after his wife walked out. For the other guy, I’ve never met his parents. What I do know is one member of the relationship wanted things to work out while the other wanted to “spread their wings”; and in both cases later regretted things. Maybe the problem was that they had got in a rut. Maybe things had just gotten boring, and the wives were looking for a bit more “excitement” in their lives. At the very least, it’s safe to say that they were looking for “something” that was missing in their relationships. Well, “new” doesn’t stay new forever, and neither does excitement actually.

A few years ago a buddy of mine went through… well, I’m not actually sure what he went though. He was well educated, and working a good job in his chosen field. We weren’t close, but we made a point of getting together periodically for lunch to catch up on each others lives. One day we went for lunch and he seemed as happy and positive as usual. A few months later I received a mass email saying he had quit his job and was moving out to the coast to become a white water rafting instructor, which he did for a number of years before eventually returning home.

A while back we got together to catch up and he told me a bit about his life as a white water rafting instructor. The work was seasonal, so when the season was over he alternated between traveling the world (finding hot destinations) and crashing at his parents’ house back home. In his words, he became a bit of a gypsy. He said he enjoyed it at first, but started to miss family and friends. He had relationships, but since he was fairly transient, the only relationships he had were passing things with people who weren’t looking for anything serious. Money was tight, and he didn’t have a sense of permanence. Not only that, but his job started to become exactly that – just another job. He came to realize that:

It doesn’t matter what you are doing, everything becomes routine eventually.

Appreciation

His is a pretty extreme case. We all have bills, and we all need jobs to pay them. At the bare minimum we need food and shelter, but we probably want a bit more than that. So there isn’t really a lot that we can change. With most of our days spent working to support our lives, much of life is routine.

So how can we become happier? To do that we need to learn to enjoy the small moments in life. More importantly, we need to learn to appreciate them. Appreciation and gratefulness are some of the biggest indicators of success and happiness in relationships. Those who appreciate and are grateful for their partners tend to be happy. Those who aren’t, not so much.

It’s an unfortunate fact that many people don’t appreciate what they have though, and it takes losing it in order to realize what they have lost. It’s sad that many relationships are lost due to a simple lack of appreciation. But why is that?

Characteristics of Unhappy People

I recently read an article on chronically unhappy people, and it was found that they tend to share a number of traits. These traits included:

Victims mentality. Seeing yourself as a victim of circumstance or “the situation” and not believing you have the power to make changes
Focusing on what’s wrong or missing instead of what you have. This is similar to the lack of appreciation mentioned above
Comparing yourself to others. This is related to focusing on what is missing, and it breeds jealousy and resentment – two very toxic behaviors
Try to control or micromanage your life and being rigid about change. Being a control freak is extremely unhealthy, as your way isn’t always the right way. But even if it was, life has a way of throwing you curveballs, and you must be flexible enough to adapt accordingly
Worry and Fear. Focusing on all the things that could go wrong instead of focusing on what has gone right

All of these are toxic attitudes and habits. As the article mentions, these are things that we all do sometimes. But there is a strong correlation between our happiness and how long we stay in these mindsets vs working to get out of them.

When people hear the saying “you are responsible for your own happiness” it means you have the capacity to make appropriate changes in your life. But often it’s easier to look externally then it is to look in the mirror. I don’t think finding happiness has to mean changing your relationship, job, or distancing yourself from family and friends (though these are definitely all things that could be contributing to unhappiness).

I think being responsible for your own happiness is really about looking at your own attitudes and your approach to life and learning to slow down, let go of control and appreciate the things you already have.

IsWhatYouHaveEnough

People often fight change, and cling to the status quo even if they know that their approach to life is self-destructive. They feel they can’t change, because “it’s just the way I am” and I can empathize with that. Change isn’t easy, especially if you have a lifetime of attitudes and habits to break.

Attitude

Earlier I mentioned my buddy who became a white water rafting instructor. Guess what he’s doing now? He’s doing the same job he was doing before. But now he sees it in a new light, and approaches it with a different attitude. More than skill, intelligence or beauty, attitude is the most important quality we have.

I recently read an interesting article on affairs. It suggested that people who have affairs are trying to fill a hole in their lives and find something that is missing. That seems fairly obvious. The interesting part is that the article went on to state that the things people are looking for are things they either had or could have in their current relationships. However they stopped putting them in themselves. Take passion for example. Passion often fades, and is used as an excuse (sorry, I mean reason) for affairs. People look for passion outside the relationship because they have stopped putting it into their own relationship. Again, this comes down to attitude and approach.

I’m by no means suggesting that leaving a relationship is always a mistake. Sometimes a fresh start is better for both parties. But I do think many relationships fail unnecessarily. In many cases people simply stopped giving their existing relationships the care it needed. If that has happened, most relationships can be saved by refocusing on them, nurturing and rebuilding.

justNeedToWaterIt

So is the grass really greener on the other side? No, it’s simply a matter of perception. Perfection doesn’t exist, so when people make changes they are exchanging one set of opportunities and problems for another.

6Jan2015

For the Sake of the Children

Posted in Conflict, couples, Family, Happiness, Hope, Life, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help, Relationships by zombiedrew2

family

I think that most parents would agree that you will do almost anything for your children. Once you have brought these little beings into the world they change your life forever.

After becoming a parent, many people start to focus on their children. And their own needs, wants and desires take a backseat to doing what they believe is best for the children. To a degree this is a natural part of being a parent, as in the early years children are completely dependent. As the children become older and gain some independence many parents start to make time for themselves again. This can be a difficult transition time for many, but when it happens the children still will always be a priority.

People will do many things for their children. But one thing I don’t believe they should ever do is stay in a relationship “for the children”.

A Stable Home

Any long time readers at thezombieshuffle.com may be wondering where I’m going with this as I’m a big believer in marriage and long term relationships. Furthermore, child psychologists agree that a stable home life with both parents is very beneficial to the personal and emotional development of children.

It seems clear that having children grow up in a home with both parents is a positive thing. So why would I say you should never stay for the children? First, it’s important to understand what is meant by “a stable home life”.

A stable home life goes a lot deeper than just being able to come home to mommy and daddy; it means living in a house full of love.

When discussing environments for children most child psychologists will list some variation on the following scenarios (in order of benefit to the children):

Child is raised by both parents in a loving home
Parents are apart, but the child is raised, supported and loved by both parents
Child is raised by a single parent where the other parent is largely absent
Parents are together “for the child”, but the child grows up in a tense or loveless home
Parents are apart and use the child is used against each other

The ranking of the first and last options seems obvious. Where confusion seems to come in is in the value of staying together “for the sake of the child”. Some people believe that simply providing the child with a home with both parents present is a positive thing. This is not only incorrect, but can actually do long term harm to the emotional development of a child.

The important thing is not the presence of both parents. The truly important thing is the presence of love.

Trouble on the Home Front

I’ve heard of all sorts of troubled relationships involving kids. In some cases parents split up and share custody. In other cases they stay together “for the children” and are unhappy, usually leading to one or both having affairs on the side in order to find the fulfillment that is lacking in their marriage.

Some wait until their children are grown before going their separate ways, and in one case I’ve heard of (second hand) the couple had agreed to split up as soon as their daughter reached the age of majority, and told her just after her 18th birthday. Geez, happy birthday to her.

I believe that the primary role you serve as a parent is as a teacher. You are trying to teach your child, and guide them to be the best people they can be while preparing them for life on their own. If you stay just for the children, what exactly are you teaching them?

A Life of Love

Recently I was at a funeral, and during the eulogy the daughters spoke about their father. One thing that both of them commented on was how much their father loved their mother.

After they spoke, the funeral director spoke and talked about how with the holiday season it is easy to get caught up in gifts. Often we want our gifts to be expensive or extravagant. Then he made the following comment:

As a parent, the greatest gift you can give your children is to love your spouse/partner.

I believe in that 100%. If you don’t do that, what exactly are you doing “for the children”. Children learn from what they see. The relationship parents model to children are the things they come to learn are “normal”. If someone stays “for the children” but has checked out on the relationship how does this help them? Kids are smart, and they can pick up on body language and emotional undercurrents. If you stay in an unhappy relationship for the children you aren’t helping them. All you are doing is creating emotionally broken children.

Reasons to Stay

Just to be clear, I am by no means suggesting that if you are unhappy in your relationship and there are children involved you should leave it.

In fact I understand the idea of staying “for the children”. Relationships naturally go through ups and downs, and often more than just love is needed in order for a relationship to last. Children can act as glue for a relationship, and sometimes they allow a couple to stick things out and make it through the tough times.

But staying in a relationship should never be just for the children. As soon as someone says they are staying “for the children” that implies that they don’t truly want to be in the relationship, and this lays the groundwork for unhappiness and resentment.

You need to be able to stay for the relationship itself, and for the value and satisfaction that it provides to your own life. If it happens to be beneficial to the children at the same time great, that’s a nice side effect.

So no, I am not suggesting leaving your relationship. What I am suggesting is that if you want to truly do something for your children, embrace your relationship. Work on it, and improve it. Do your best to build and model the type of relationship that you would want them to have. One full of love, caring and affection. Remain committed to the relationship and continue to support and love one another.

Love your partner and make that love part of your everyday life. People are different in how they express love, but however you express it make sure that you do. And let the children see that. Give them a home full of love. And let them know that not only do mommy and daddy love them, but mommy and daddy love each other too.

The Challenges of Parenting

I have two children, and I love them to pieces and can’t imagine life without them. But you know what? Being a dad is really hard sometimes, and I have times that I don’t particularly care for some of the things they do, decisions they make, or the way they sometimes treat me. My children are fairly young, and are still prone to the occasional tantrum (realistically though, aren’t we all?). When my child is in the throes of a tantrum, at that particular moment I don’t necessarily enjoy being a dad. But that doesn’t mean I love them any less, or that I will abandon them. And I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this.

For full disclosure I suppose I should admit that at these times I often tell them if they don’t improve their behaviour I will be putting them up for sale on ebay. But it’s a bit of a joke between us, and they know that I’m kidding (usually).

Why are relationships with partners any different? Why do we hold them to a different standard? Your partner will have days that they make you angry, and there will be days that you don’t particularly like them. That’s just life. We don’t give up on our children, and we don’t stop loving them or showing them that love. So why do we do it with our partners?

This may be a gender thing, but I believe my relationship with my wife is in some ways more important than my relationship with my children (or at least on an equal level). Eventually my children will grow up, move out and start their own lives. I will always be there for them and be a part of their lives, but their lives will be exactly that – theirs. My relationship with my wife is one where I hope we are able to share our lives and support each other “until death do us part”.

Leaving a Legacy

I hope I have a long life ahead of me, but when my time comes I hope my children are able to stand up and say that I was a good man who did my best for them, and that I loved them. And I also hope they are able to say that I loved their mom, and they knew that, felt it, and saw it.

Of all the lessons I am able to teach them, I hope I am able to teach them that life may not always be easy, but love can always endure.

21Dec2014

Life Without Sex – Part 2

Posted in Affairs, Communication, Communication Issues, Conflict, couples, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Passion, Relationship Help, Romance, Sex by zombiedrew2

couple-in-bed-arguing

In a relationship, sex has many benefits and is an activity that enhances the connection between a couple. Sex drive differences can change sex from a wonderful part of a relationship to a source of conflict, and in extreme cases couples fall into a sexless relationship. In part 1 I discuss this idea of a sexless relationship (having sex less than 10 times a years is considered a sexless relationship), some of the causes, dangers, and what you can do if you are in a sexless relationship and you are the one who still wants sex.

People in this situation can try to remain supportive and understanding, while showing their partner that they still love them. But ultimately, there’s not a lot they can do to change the dynamic.

Today I want to want to look at this from the side of the person who is either not wanting, or is having issues with the sexual side of a relationship.

Different Reasons

Sex is a good thing in a relationship. It builds connection between the couple, and it gives pleasure to both people. But it requires both partners to be interested and engaged. For the person who is less interested in sex, the question becomes why? I see four main reasons:

They are not sure they want the relationship anymore. Sex requires openness and connection. If someone has checked out on the relationship, then it stands to reason that they would find sex difficult with their partner. When this happens, this person really needs to make a decision to either commit to the relationship or to get out. Staying in the relationship with a breakdown of intimacy is not fair to anyone
They see sex as something to be given or taken away. In some relationships people are interested in control and power, and sex can be used as a weapon (and withheld when they are unhappy). A relationship requires empathy and sharing, and these sorts of attitudes are extremely unhealthy. I plan on writing about power and control in the future, but anyone who is interested in power and control is liable to end up bitter, angry and alone if they can’t change their approach to relationships
They have an immature view of love. If someone sees love as something that should “just happen” rather than something that they need to build into their relationship, then they are bound to end up disappointed by what real sustainable love looks like. This can cause a breakdown of desire and intimacy, making sex difficult
They have had a breakdown of desire. Sometimes this just happens in long term relationships. Usually the person wishes things were different, but they are having a hard time “feeling” for their partner. Desire is related to hormones, so there can be any number of causes behind this (stress, anxiety, depression, and menopause among them)

My interest is for the people in the latter two scenarios, as these are people who actually do care about the relationship and their partner. In these cases the person genuinely wishes things were different, but they are having a hard time changing the way they feel. I’ll refer to this as simply having a lower drive. For people in the first two scenarios, well, chances are you should get out of the relationship anyhow.

Tips for the Lower Drive Person

For the lower drive person, this is a difficult situation. Hopefully the higher drive person is being considerate and understanding, but ultimately the lower drive person is the one who needs to find a way to become lovers again.

First I would like to debunk the myth that sex “isn’t truly a need”. From an individual standpoint this may be true. Unlike food and water, you won’t die without it. But your relationship might. So from the perspective of a relationship yes, regular sex is needed in order maintain and nurture a relationship. What “regular” means is up for interpretation, and that is something that is different from couple to couple (and even for a single couple it will change over the life of the relationship). The absence of sex will put tremendous strain on the relationship, and put it at risk of failure.

It is important to understand it’s not actually the sex that matters (which is why occasional “duty sex” does nothing to improve the bond between the couple). Instead it is the closeness and intimacy that sex is symbolic of. THAT is the part that is needed in order for a relationship to thrive. When intimacy is there sex should come naturally as a result of it. This is why it is important to focus on the relationship itself.

Another thing to remember is that your partner has no other outlets. I’m a firm believer that people are responsible for their own happiness (in the choices they make and the attitude that they bring to their own situation). Sexuality is one of the few places that people are dependent on someone else for fulfillment. So if it’s missing in a relationship, then even if the rest of the relationship is in a good spot this problem will start to affect the rest of the relationship.

The best thing you can do is try and identify any problems in the relationship that may be causing issues with desire. If you’re working on the relationship and desire still isn’t coming back, there may be medical reasons (such as hypoactive sexual desire disorder), however these are extreme cases and only affect a small percentage of the population. Chances are there is something that needs to be addressed in the relationship, and the best way to deal with it is through couples counseling focused on the issue with sexuality.

One question to ask yourself is “should someone have to have sex when they don’t want to”? Obviously the answer is no, they shouldn’t. In fact having sex because someone feels they are supposed to (duty sex) can widen the gap of emotional intimacy instead of helping close it.

Here is the dilemma though:

If someone consistently doesn’t want sex and their partner does then it puts their relationship at risk. If their partner wants it all the time, then this is an issue with the partner not being considerate about the person’s needs. But when the couple has drifted into a sexless marriage, there’s a problem. For the benefit of the relationship it’s up to the couple to find some sort of happy middle ground. It will likely involve an adjustment of expectations for both parties, but it also means the person with the lower drive will have to find a way to be sexual again.

They shouldn’t have to have sex when they don’t want to. But instead of looking at this as doing something they don’t want to, it may be better to try to find a way to nurture their sexual side so that they start to want to be sexual with their partner again.

Making Sex a Priority

Sex is important to a relationship and has many benefits to both the individual and the couple. That is a fact. No one should “have to” have sex when they don’t want to. Also fact.

So the question becomes, if someone consistently isn’t interested in sex and it is putting strain on the relationship, how do they become interested again? How can they find a balance where both members of the relationship are happy? One recommendation is to make sex a focus and a priority in the relationship.

One common misconception is that someone has to be in the mood in order to be sexual. Difficulties getting in the mood are extremely common, and happen to pretty much everyone. With busy lives waiting till you are “in the mood” could be a long wait. And what happens if you are in the mood but your partner isn’t? The chances of both being in the mood at the same time is low. Those who wait for “the mood”, well, generally they find themselves in the sexless relationship.

Instead of waiting to be in the mood for sex, many relationship experts suggest you try to make time for sex with the hope that allowing yourself to be sexual will help put you in the mood (kind of a chicken or the egg approach). In this approach, the lower drive person is just as responsible for getting themselves in the mood as the higher drive person (perhaps more so).

Schedule Sex

To do this, you need to schedule sex. You may do this formally as a couple, or at the start the lower drive person may do it on their own (for example telling themselves that “tonight” is a night for sex). If the thought of doing this doesn’t cause additional stress, then instead it’s possible to mentally prep for sex. Think about sex, read a sexy story (either alone or together), whatever works to try and get yourself into the mood. And then be sexual with your partner.

massage

The key is focusing on sexuality, touch (possibly massage or erotic massage), and building connection instead of the act of sex. In fact, if you don’t or even if you find you aren’t able to engage in penetrative sex, that’s fine. It’s more about taking time to be sexual together and rebuilding a sense of safety with physical intimacy with your partner.

Don’t worry about “shutting your partner down” before penetrative sex or orgasm. If your partner sees that you are putting effort into being lovers again, they will likely be very happy and supportive. When you do have sex it may starts as more of a physical act, but over time it should transition into a more intimate one.

Whether you are scheduling this formally or planning it on your own, come up with a desired frequency and schedule it. Once a week? Once every 2 weeks? Do what works for you and adjust it over time. It’s about building habits, and it may seem awkward at first but over time gets internalized. Be willing to accept that you don’t always have to meet the schedule, but the vast majority of the time you should try to.

Mindset is Key

Depending on how badly the emotional connection has broken down, this can be an extremely difficult thing to do. I recognize this isn’t like watching a movie you aren’t really interested. This is your body, and you are sharing it with someone else.

Because of this, mindset is extremely important. If you view this as an obligation you will get resentful and that will make things worse. But if you accept it is an important part of a relationship, then you will see this as an investment in the long term health and happiness of your relationship.

Heading to the Gym

A great analogy for this is going to the gym with a partner. Physical health is a positive thing (there are really no drawbacks to trying to improve your level of physical fitness). The benefits range from physical health to self-esteem to mental health. But committing to physical fitness takes a commitment of time and effort – it doesn’t just happen.

If you haven’t done anything in a long time though, making a commitment to physical fitness is difficult, and at the beginning it seems like work. You know there are benefits, but the way to achieve those benefits isn’t easy.

In order for the workouts to be effective though, you need to come up with a regular schedule and stick to it. Working out one day, and then not doing anything again for a month or even a few weeks doesn’t really help much. And in fact, if you don’t make it regular you may find it’s easy to make excuses skip a workout. Unfortunately when you miss one workout, it becomes a lot easier to miss another.

If you stick to your routine an interesting thing happens though. After a while you will find you start to enjoy it. And not just that, but if you have to skip a workout you’ll find that you miss it and want to make it up. Instead of “work”, it has become a regular part of your life.

Taking this analogy one step further, even for the people who are regulars at the gym there are days that you just don’t want to go. Maybe you didn’t sleep well last night, or maybe you have a cold. Having a partner who is expecting you to be there can sometimes act as the motivation to get out and do your workout anyhow. Sometimes you will go and you really won’t be into it, but other times even when you force yourself to go you will find that your body responds to being there and you have a great workout anyhow.

motivation

Built to Last

Relationships run into problems, and sexual issues are probably the most difficult ones for a relationship to deal with. But in a long term relationship it is important for the couple to maintain sexuality and being lovers.

It’s important to be open with your partner about what is going on, and recognize this as a problem for the relationship, and not just for the individual. If your partner truly cares about the long term health of the relationship, they will show patience and understanding. But it’s also important to remember that your partner has needs in the relationship too, and letting sexual issues go unresolved will threaten the health of the relationship.

When emotional connection has broken down, it’s the responsibility of both parties to do their part in actively rebuilding it. And part of that rebuilding involves making sexuality and sex a regular part of the relationship.

Scheduling and prioritizing sex may not seem spontaneous or romantic, but it doesn’t have to mean that it’s not intimate. It allows you an opportunity to focus on being intimate together. And you may find that once you prioritize it, you remember what you have been missing.

couple-hands

20Dec2014

Life Without Sex – Part 1

Posted in Affairs, Communication, Conflict, couples, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Passion, Relationship Help, Relationships, Romance, Sex by zombiedrew2

Life without sex

When I look at the stats page for the site, the most commonly viewed posts are the ones on Happiness and Sex. This makes a lot of sense as there is a correlation between the two. In long term relationships a couples sex life is generally a barometer of the relationships overall health.

Sex is a form of intimacy and is a manifestation of closeness and connection in a relationship. If your relationship is in a good place, then you have the sense of closeness and connection that leads to sex. And if you have that closeness you are generally pretty happy. So although it may not be entirely causal, more sex equals increased relationship satisfaction (note, that was causal – as in “being the cause of”, and not casual. If you’re interested in learning about casual sex you came to the wrong place).

There are all sorts of taboos about sex, but as a component of a healthy relationship sex is a great thing. Sex in a relationship provides a number of advantages physically and emotionally, for both the individual and the couple. So why is it such a difficult topic for couples, and why can it become a source of so much conflict?

In my previous series of posts on sex I talked about how sex can be a source of conflict due to differing sex drives; and that this is both natural and unavoidable. I talked about ways to deal with these differences, and how open communication in the relationship is the best approach to finding a happy middle ground, ensuring these differences allow sex to continue to enhance a relationship instead of damaging it.

I don’t want to rehash a topic that I’ve addressed already, but I recently came across a concept that made me want to look at this once again. That topic is a “Sexless Marriage”.

Sexless Marriage

A Sexless Marriage is defined as a marriage (or any long term relationship) where the couple has sex 10 or less times per year. According to stats, 15-20% of couples find themselves in this state.

Differences in sex drive are normal, requiring compassion and understanding on the part of both members of the couple. A sexless marriage is an extreme though, and is generally a sign of more than just differing sex drives.

Because relationships have ups and downs which can impact feelings of closeness, it’s not uncommon for “sexual droughts” to happen occasionally in long term relationships. In fact it is fairly common occurrence in the first few years after children are born. When it lasts for extended periods of time however, it can become a serious issue and threaten the relationship.

Humans are sexual creatures, and there are many advantages to sex in a relationship. In a healthy relationship sex is a physical manifestation of the love the couple shares. It is a way of showing closeness and desire, and is a form of communication and sharing. It is a special activity that the couple shares with each other and no one else, and it is not just a physical act, but also an emotional and symbolic act.

The absence of sex (or sex being reduced to duty sex) is symbolic in a different way. When this happens it comes to symbolize a lack of desire, closeness, and a sense that the other persons needs don’t matter. But perhaps most significantly, it comes to symbolize a lack of love.

This is a pretty sensitive topic, so I will try to tread lightly here. To be clear, when I talk about sex here, I’m talking about sex as an extension of intimacy (with the idea that the absence of sex also means there is an absence of intimacy). When this happens it’s safe to say that a sexless relationship is bad news, and not good for anyone.

The frequency with which a couple has sex really isn’t that important (as long as it’s not an issue for the couple), and most couples find a balance that works for them. But sex still needs to be a regular part of the relationship. According to the definition of a sexless relationship, you need it at least once a month for “regular maintenance”. Less than that and I find it hard to believe it’s not an issue for the couple.

Once it becomes an issue the taboo nature of sex likely makes it a difficult one to resolve. It does need to be addressed though, as the cost of not addressing the issue is extremely high. Sexual issues are one of the leading causes of relationships breaking down, often leading to affairs or divorce. It’s something you kinda need your partner for. So if there is no sexual satisfaction within the relationship and no signs that will ever change, eventually people will start looking outside of it.

Breakdown of Intimacy

I’ve touched on some of the causes for the breakdown of sex before, but here’s a quick overview:

Life often gets in the way, and people find themselves too tired or too busy. People naturally have differing drives, where one person wants it and the other isn’t interested. If the gap is large, for the lower drive person this causes pressure. For the higher drive person being “shut down” hurts, and after a while they stop asking. Next thing you know a long time has passed.

Desire is related to hormones, and things like childbirth can make changes to a woman’s hormone levels to change in a way that desire fades (body image issues after kids play a role in this). This is apparently a common issue, and there are a number of books written for women that deal with this (one of the top ones is supposedly Great Sex for Moms, by Valerie Raskin).

This isn’t just an issue for women though (well, the childbirth part is). Dampened levels of desire can also affect men, with some of the main causes of lowered sex drives being depression, anxiety or even high levels of stress.

Another problem for intimacy is simply differences between men and women. For years I leaned towards the “nurture” side of the nature/nurture debate. I thought men and women were largely the same and it was socialization that made us different. But there are differences, and these are very evident when it comes to sex. It’s been said that:

Men need sex for intimacy, women need intimacy for sex.

That’s not entirely accurate. Some men seem to treat sex and intimacy interchangeably, but most understand that sex is only a form of intimacy. But there is an element of truth there as men definitely seem to place a greater emphasis on the importance of sex for intimacy then women do.

So what does this mean for the relationship?

Work on the Relationship

One thing to remember is that most sexual issues are issues with the relationships itself, and not issues about sex. You know the saying build it that they will come? Ideally the same can be said here.

I recently wrote a series of posts on rebuilding passion in a relationship. Your main goal should be strengthening your relationship, and as the relationship strengthens it should also rekindle the spark needed for sex. Sex is important, but a healthy relationship should be your goal (with sex as a nice bonus).

But what happens if you are working on the relationship and the intimacy needed for sex doesn’t return?

Tips for the Higher Drive Person

For the higher drive person ensure you understand what makes your partner feel valued and loved, and show them that. If you are doing your best to ensure the health of the relationship and your partner is still not showing any desire or interest in sex? At that point there’s not a lot you can do. You can’t “make” someone want you, and the low drive person pretty much holds all the keys.

Taking care of your own sexual needs may provide physical release, but sex is supposed to strengthen the sense of closeness and the bonds between a couple. So self-pleasuring isn’t going to do much for you here. I guess it could, but if you find you are sending yourself flowers at work or sending yourself suggestive texts then you are probably hitting bottom.

kissing-mirror

In all seriousness, being forced to take care of your own needs for an extended period of time will only damage your relationship. It will break down the bonds between you and your partner, and resentment will build along with a sense that your needs don’t matter in the relationship.

Due to this you need to get it out in the open and try to find a solution (waiting things out won’t work, and will only result in a lot of waiting). Be careful in how you approach this though. Your partner need to be able to understand that you do love them, and that you miss sex with them, and the closeness and benefits it provides.

Remember that your goal is a lifetime of love and happiness with your partner. Sex needs to be part of that and your needs have to matter in the relationship. But the relationship is the main goal.

At the same time, don’t lose sight of the fact that you and your needs matter too. You need to be happy in the relationship, and that can be difficult without physical intimacy. If your partner values you and the relationship, you will see effort on their part. If you don’t see effort you have a difficult decision to make. Can you stay in a relationship without intimacy? Some do, though I can’t see how that is good for anyone. But hopefully there are signs that your partner does want this to change.

So what about the lower drive person? That’s coming in Part 2…

11Dec2014

Finding Passion – Part 2

Posted in Affairs, Conflict, couples, Happiness, Hope, Love, Marriage, Passion, Relationship Help, Romance by zombiedrew2

passion

In the first part(s) of this series I talked about how relationships go through stages, and over time passion can be lost as the emotional connection between a couple breaks down. Some people respond to this loss of passion by looking for it outside the relationship, either through an affair or divorce (with the hopes of finding it in a subsequent relationship). Other people stay in the relationship but accept the loss of passion as an inevitable outcome for long term relationships.

I don’t believe this has to happen. The intense hormone driven passion during the infatuation stage of a relationship is gone, but a healthier long term passion can still be nurtured. The love in a marriage (or any long term relationship) should still be a beautiful, wonderful thing. Maybe I’m just naive, but I believe your feelings for your partner should still be able to take your breath away whether you’ve been together 2 years or 60.

In this final part I want to discuss how emotional connection can be rebuilt and passion can be found. Most of the ideas here have come from a variety of sources; books, articles, counselors and even talking with other couples. I believe strongly in long term relationships and marriage, and I believe no matter how hopeless things may seem it is never too late.

Laying Blame

When passion breaks down it can often feel like the death of a loved one, and in some ways it is. Your partner may still be there, but there is a sense of loss for the relationship that previously existed. When this happens it is common to look for something to blame. What happened? How did it break down? Was there something wrong with your partner? Was it because they simply didn’t show you enough love? Was there something fundamentally wrong with the relationship? Was there something wrong with you?

First it’s important to acknowledge that yes, in some ways the relationship IS at fault. But a question to ask yourself is, is the problem something inherent about the relationship? Or is it perhaps the way one or both parties have approached the relationship? If it is a flaw with the way the relationship has been approached then it can be improved. After all, you loved each other once. So why can’t you go back there?

But you won’t actually go “back there”. The patterns of the past are what got you to your current state. So your future must be different. Different isn’t bad though, and it can in fact be better.

You may believe the current state of the relationship is largely due to your partner, which may be true. In some ways however, that doesn’t matter. You do need to understand how you got to your current state in order to avoid making the same mistakes again. Beyond that though, you have to be able to let go of the past and move on. If you want to rebuild, blame simply puts up barriers.

In addition to not blaming your partner, it is important to acknowledge that there are two people in a relationship and you played a role in any issues.

When you are in denial about your part in the relationship then you are no better than a child flinging sand at another child in a sandbox. When you take responsibility for your part in the marriage, only then will you be able to connect with your partner in a mature, intimate way. – Carin Goldstein, LMFT

Believing in Change

For things to change, you need to believe things CAN change. There are two primary mind sets people can have in life, fixed and growth mind sets. I will write more on them in the future, but in order to truly believe in change you have to embrace a growth mindset. In a fixed mindset people often don’t believe change is possible. Problems are seen as a sign of a fundamental flaw, and there is a belief relationships should not require effort (because if it requires effort then it’s not true love). Hate to say it, but if your relationship is in a tough spot and you have a fixed mindset you WILL fail unless you can change that mindset first.

Even without a negative mindset, when you are in a bad spot the situation can poison any effort and make it hard to believe things can improve. In the sports world Phil Jackson recently made the following comment about this negative mindset:

Losing breeds more losing. It’s hard to work out of a funk when the team doesn’t have any sort of confidence. The self-perpetuating cycle just keeps on churning, pushing a squad into a deeper and deeper hole.

The comment was about a basketball team, but it applies to any interpersonal dynamic. Things won’t turn around on their own, and the longer you wait before taking action the deeper the issues get until eventually they seem hopeless. The truth is, everything can improve with effort.

Putting in Effort

Have you seen the movie the Matrix (part one of course, as I will deny the other parts exist)? In it, Keanu Reeves is able to learn anything by simply getting the information he needs uploaded into his head. He needs to learn to fight? No problem. Just upload a Kung Fu program into your brain and voila, instant black belt!!!

Neo

Guess what, life’s not like that. Even if you truly believe change is possible it doesn’t just happen on its own. You need to be willing to put in the effort.

Imagine you want to get into better shape. How do you do it? Do you sit at home thinking “I wish I was in better shape” while popping another Dorito in your mouth? I’ve tried, it doesn’t help. What about if you want to learn a new language? Does it suddenly come to you one day? If you have a post-secondary education, did a degree show up in the mail one day causing the knowledge to just appear in your head? No. All of these things require time, effort and dedication; and rebuilding your relationship is no different.

There are no magic wands, and no shortcuts. If you truly want to make changes in your relationship (or any aspect of life), you need to put in effort in order to facilitate those changes. This isn’t a bad thing, and it doesn’t have to be difficult. Think of it like riding a bike. If you haven’t ridden a bike in a long time, the first few attempts will be shaky and may feel a little unnatural. You may even fall down a few times and wonder if you’ll ever be able to do it again. But if you keep at it, it will come back and eventually it will feel natural again.

Effort is key here, and mindset is everything. There will be setbacks, but you can’t give up in frustration every time things aren’t going well. You need to commit yourself to re-igniting your relationship. It will take time, and require SUSTAINED effort.

Alright, you need to put in effort and you need to believe. But what do you actually have to do?

Take Care of You

One important, and often overlooked thing is taking care of yourself. It’s kind of like the reminders you get before a plane takes off – “In case of a drop in cabin pressure, put your own air mask on first”. This is the same. Basically, you can’t help your relationship if you can’t help yourself. Of course it’s also important not to take this too far, and you can’t ignore your relationship while focusing only on you. But in order to get your relationship to a healthy place you also need to be in a healthy place (or working towards one).

HealYourself

Find Each Other Again

The biggest thing with lost passion is that the couple has “lost each other”. Part of this may be due to different roles. All couples start as friends and lovers, but over time life starts to get in the way. We have jobs, mortgages, bills, and families; and time is quickly filled up with routine. If you don’t devote time to each other it is very easy for the emotional connection to break down, and the relationship to devolve into simply being roommates. When this happens you need to rediscover each other and find each other again.

How do you do this? First, you need to start prioritizing time for each other again. Life is full of routines and things that have to be done, so if you don’t “make time” for each other you will never have it. There will ALWAYS be other things that get in the way. If your relationship is important, then make it a priority in your life. If you haven’t made each other a priority then that’s probably a big part of how you got into this spot.

One of the best resources I have found for rebuilding is John Gottmans book “The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work”. One of the ideas Gottman has is that when connection has broken down, a couple can actively work on rebuilding their “love maps”. The book contains a number of questionnaires and exercises for couples to do, ideally together. The basic premise behind them is about learning who your partner is again. Engaging them, exploring your hopes and dreams together, and re-learning each other.

Gottmans books has 7 principles for rebuilding an nurturing your relationship:

Enhance Your “Love Maps”. This is about re-learning each other and ensuring you continue to stay in tune with your partner’s life
Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration. This is about thinking about the positive sides of both your partner and your relationship, and taking time to appreciate them
Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away. This is about actively expressing appreciation for each other (side note, I thought I came up with the marital bank account idea used in prior posts on my own, but apparently I read it here first)
Let Your Partner Influence You. Learn from each other, and be willing to make changes for each other
Solve Your Solvable Problems. Learn how to deal with issues in a non-judgmental way, and learn to compromise
Overcome Gridlock. Some problems will never be solved, and will be perpetual issues in your marriage. This is about learning to accept and live with that problem in a way that you both can talk about it and accept that it’s there, and is simply an acceptable difference between you
Create Shared Meaning. To me this is about emotional intimacy. Finding the deep inner meanings that you can agree on that bond you together, and trying to learn and understand your partner at a deeper level

It had been a few years since I had read this book, but reviewing it for this post reminded me of just how much relationship gold it contains. It should really be a must read for anyone in a relationship, but it is especially good for “distressed” relationships (side note – why is it that you need a license to drive a car, but you don’t need to demonstrate any ability to work as a team prior to getting married?).

Focus on the Positive

Looking at your problems it’s easy to get caught up in who has done what, or what is wrong. So one of the biggest suggestions you will find for repairing and rebuilding a relationship is to remember the good, and focus on it. When you can see how much good you have, it can put into context the things that need improving.

Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough – Paul Pierce

Make lists of all the positive things you can think of about your relationship and your life together. Things like your happiest moments and characteristics that you love about your partner. Then invite your partner to do the same, and share the lists. Sometimes when the relationship is tense it can feel like nothing is going right, so it is important to reminder yourself about what you love about your partner. But sharing this allows you to remind them of the things that you love (and vice versa). This should increase feelings of warmth between you and help rebuild the bond.

Bring Back the Fun

Fun. It’s so important, and so easily lost when things are in a bad place (think of the losers mentality from above). Think of the last time you and your partner had fun together. Has it been recent, has it been a long time?

In part 1 I talked about Robert De Niro’s character from Analyze This. He had lost sight of his wife, and only saw her as the mother of his children instead of his friend and lover. It can be hard to do in the early years of being a parent, but it’s important to always make time to be a couple and not just family.

Go on regular dates, and try to bring back a sense of fun and romance (both partners are equally responsible for this). Find an activity you can both do together on a regular basis and do it. If all you are doing is stuff as a family, then you are simply reinforcing the idea of partner as family. You NEED to be a couple, and be able to have fun as a couple again. To do that you need to spend time alone, away from the kids. And importantly, you need to get out of the house!!!

I mentioned a couple I knew who tried this, and they found they didn’t know how to talk to each other anymore. In addition to taking time as a couple, find other “friend couples” that you can go out with. This allows you to interact as a couple while still being in a social setting, and it takes some of the pressure off of having to “fill the silence” with each other. This can be things like going to dinner or events, playing cards/board games/whatever. Couple dates and joint friends allows socializing in a fun/friendly atmosphere, and helps reinforce the sense of team. This is invaluable for helping to build and maintain bonds.

In addition to rebuilding a feeling of closeness, you have to become lovers and place a priority on maintaining physical intimacy. This can be one of the hardest parts of rebuilding, but being lovers is a natural extension of emotional connection. As emotional connection is rebuilt this *should* come back naturally. That said, it’s a sensitive and complicated topic (which I believe it warrants it’s own post), so I’ll leave this one alone for another day.

Final Word on Passion

It’s human nature to want a fulfilling relationship, we all want it. If you are in a long term relationship, you came together for a reason. When the connection has broken down remember why you came together. Rediscover each other, your passion for each other, and work to maintain it. It’s easy to lose sight of the fact that relationships must be maintained, and it is the responsibility of both parties to keep the spark alive. It requires commitment, and it requires effort.

There are many ways to show your commitment to improving your relationship, and what works for one couple may not work for another. Take a look and pick what you think may work for you. Try it, if it helps great. If not try something different. But the key is you need to take action, try different things, and put in effort.

I like to think of a relationship as a plant. With water and sunlight the smallest seed can grow into a strong beautiful tree. In a relationship, the water and sunlight is the tenderness, affection and effort that we put into each other. Once plants have had time to establish their roots, they can weather all sorts of storms. Times of drought can take a toll, and without care eventually the strongest plants will die. They are remarkably hardy though, and even when they appear dead the roots may still be alive. As long as the roots are alive it’s never too late, and if given the attention it needs the plant will return. The new plant may look a bit different, but it can still be just as beautiful.

sapling photo

Long term relationships require effort, but I believe they are worth it. A close friend once compared rebuilding passion and emotional connection to trying to get an iceberg moving. At first it seems like an impossible task, and the effort to get it moving is considerable. Slowly though it will start to move, and as it moves it will gain momentum. But that momentum requires effort and commitment on both parts. Commit to your partner, and together you can achieve anything.

I’m interested in what YOU think, and if you have any ideas or suggestions for maintaining the passion and emotional connection that keeps us together.

9Dec2014

Finding Passion – Part 1 1/2

Posted in Affairs, Conflict, couples, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Passion, Romance by zombiedrew2

passion7

In part 1 I discussed the loss of passion in relationships, and how I believe it is the leading contributor to affairs, divorce, and unhappy relationships (or at least relationships that are less happy than they could be). Loss of passion is somewhat inevitable in long term relationships, but that doesn’t have to be the case, and there are ways to try and rebuild it when it’s diminished or gone.

I was planning on talking about “ways to rebuild” in part 2, but as I started writing I realized there was something important to cover first about loss of passion. So I’m going to cheat a bit here. Instead of part 2, I now present you with Part 1 1/2!!!

Team Building

Relationships are like small groups, or teams, and in the mid 60’s a guy by the name of Bruce Tuckman came up with a theory on the stages of group development. Tuckman believed there were four stages that all groups or teams can go through; forming, storming, norming and performing. Here’s a brief explanation of each stage:

Forming. This is when a team comes together. This stage is characterized by excitement, optimism and anticipation of what the future will bring.
Storming. At this stage reality sets in and it doesn’t quite match what was expected. Members may become dissatisfied and/or frustrated. There is some anxiety as they are adjusting to the fact that the team isn’t working out quite the way that they thought it would. At this point there is a resistance, conflict and emotions tend to run high. Members may start looking out for themselves instead of doing what is best for the team.
Norming. At this stage the team has worked out most of the issues. They understand the idea of shared goals, and have learned to cope and accept each other. There is a sense of relief and lowered anxiety, as the members are engaged and supportive of each other.
Performing. At this stage the team is performing at a very high level. They truly understand each other, and have a strong sense of teamwork and cohesiveness.

tuckman-model

If all teams go through these stages, isn’t a relationship really just a special type of team? Let’s take a closer look at these stages in the context of a relationship.

The Forming Stage

All of us have our own idealized views of what our perfect relationship looks like. Looking at traditional gender roles (which by the way I don’t buy into), young girls may have this idea that they will meet their “handsome prince”, who will sweep them off their feet and lead them off to a life of romance. That’s how the fairy tale romances are depicted by Disney anyhow. The traditional gender roles for guys are a wife who takes care of both them and all the domestic stuff.

Whether or not you buy into the “traditional roles” we all have some sort of idealized view of things. One problem about with an idealized view is that it is almost always a selfish view. It is about “what this relationship will do for me”.

In the early years of a relationship, there is the excitement of the new, and the promise of what the future could look like. In the early stage of a relationship things seem perfect, and it’s easy to overlook the “flaws” in your partner.

It seems clear that this love is real, and will last forever. And if nothing else we all expect that no matter what happens in our life with our chosen partner, we will always be happy together. Eventually reality sets in, and we find that reality doesn’t quite match what we expected.

The Storming Stage

This is where the fun begins. In this stage we realize that our chosen partner is actually a regular person. They may still be wonderful, and a great match for us. But they have flaws just like anyone else. And not just that, but our idealized vision of a life together isn’t quite correct. Most of our time is still taken up with jobs, and the need to pay bills. We may still have dreams that we want to accomplish together, but most of our life is actually pretty mundane.

I believe much of our enjoyment and appreciation of life is based on expectation. A while back I wrote a post on expectations in relationships. I think it’s probably one of my most important posts, but sadly is one of the least viewed. Here’s a simple analogy for expectations:

A few years ago Marvel Studios was just getting it’s start, and they put out Iron Man and an Incredible Hulk movie (with Edward Norton) in the same summer. I was in full “daddy mode” at the time so I didn’t get out to the theater much, but I heard all the hype – both from buddies and from reviews. From everything I was hearing, Iron Man was a fantastic film while the Hulk, ehhh, it was alright.

That fall I finally got a chance to see them, and I enjoyed Iron Man but I really didn’t think it was amazing. I also found that I enjoyed the Hulk much more than I expected to. You see, my expectation for Iron Man was high while for the Hulk it was low. As a result my enjoyment of the films was colored by my expectation.

We do this in all aspects of life. Our happiness or enjoyment of something in some ways is related not to what something actually is, but to how it met expectations.

ALL relationships go through this storming stage. And this storming stage is really a collision between our expectations of what we believed our partner and relationship should look like, and the reality of the situation.

Our level of disappointment at this stage is really about how big the gap is between reality and expectations. If the gap is small, then it’s not a big deal. If the gap is large though, trouble ensues. Because this gap is based on your own expectations, it will be different for each person. As a result one person may be quite happy in the relationship, while the other person isn’t.

As one or both partners become dissatisfied and frustrated they may start turning away from the relationship, and start looking out for themselves. This period of dissatisfaction can lead to conflict and high emotions, and put enormous strain on the relationship.

When a large gap exists, the question becomes why? What exactly is wrong? Is it an issue of unrealistic expectations? Or is the relationship somehow lacking? In all likelihood it is a mix of the two. The situation may actually be pretty good, but it doesn’t match up to expectations and so it is seen as unbearable.

Because our expectations are partially formed by experience you can also see the opposite happen. If someone has been treated very poorly in the past, then may find a new relationship where someone treats them marginally better (but still poorly), and this may be seen as acceptable. It’s very hard to judge things for “what they are”, as our expectations always determine our level of contentment.

All relationships go through this storming stage, and it can be a very difficult time, sometimes lasting years. In some cases people are able to close the gap between expectation and reality. People may realize their expectations were unrealistic and find a way to re-frame them, or they may find ways to improve the reality by working on improving the relationship.

In other cases the gap between expectation and reality is too large, and the relationship fails. Not all relationships make it through this stage. And honestly, not all should.

The Norming Stage

I believe the norming stage of relationships is where true love blossoms. It may not be the stuff of fairy tales, but it is a deep, mature love.

At this point in a relationship both partners have “weathered the storm”. The couple that comes out on the other side is different, but stronger. They have learned strategies for coping with their differences (which may or may not be healthy strategies), and they have come to accept each other for who they truly are, and not just who they wish they were.

Most people will agree with the idea that perfection doesn’t exist. But saying they agree, and accepting it in your own relationship are two different things. A while ago I came across a great quote that sums up the norming stage well. I didn’t write it down, but I believe it went:

Choosing a partner is about choosing a set of problems you can live with.

It sounds terrible, but it’s true. Perfection doesn’t exists, and all people have traits that are hard to get along with sometimes. But we need to find a match that works for us.

Continuing with the super hero movie analogies, there’s a great scene in X-men: Days of Future Past. Charles Xavier (Professor X) and Magneto were close friends when they were younger, but became enemies for a number of years. Now older and wiser, reflecting on the past Magneto says:

All those years wasted fighting each other, Charles… but at least we got a few of them back.

In some ways the storming stage IS wasted time. It is a power struggle and a time where the “me” gets in the way of the “we”. But it’s an important (and necessary) stage for all couples to go through. Of course some couples take longer than others, and the severity of issues may be worse in some cases then others.

The norming stage is when people realize it doesn’t have to be an either/or situation – they can be both “me” and be part of a “we”, and they are able to strengthen their bond moving forward.

Some couples slip through these stages a few more times, but for many once they have figured it out, they are able to maintain their relationships and truly commit “till death do us part”.

I’ve heard people describe this process in their own relationships, saying they came to a point where they weren’t sure if the relationship was what they really wanted. But after some time and soul searching (and usually frank conversation with their partner), they were able to recommit and make their relationship stronger than it had ever been.

The Loss of Passion

Bringing these stages back to my original topic, the loss of passion, it is in the storming stage that passion breaks down. It’s pretty hard to maintain passion for someone who at least on a subconscious level comes across as a disappointment. And it’s also hard to maintain passion when the relationship feels like a struggle.

The hard part becomes rebuilding that passion once they have been able to weather the storm and recommit to each other. The difficult in rebuilding passion is based on two factors:

First is the length of time that the storming stage has gone on, and the severity of the issues encountered and damage done during this time.

The second factor is the attitude people bring into the norming stage. Some people stay together because it’s what they know, they feel it’s best for the kids, or because they are scared to be alone. When this happens it’s almost impossible to rebuild any passion, and I think it’s better for both parties to just let the relationship end.

Others stay together because they realize that they truly do love each other, warts and all. And they want to continue to build their life with their partner. If that is the reason for staying together, then passion doesn’t have to be rebuilt. It’s already there, and it just needs to be nurtured.

The Performing Stage

You may have been wondering, hey, what about the performing stage? I left this for last on purpose. This is where the team is working at a very high level, and has a strong sense of team and cohesiveness. One interesting thing about Tuckman’s theory is he believes most successful teams plateau at the norming stage, and very few ever go on to achieve the performing stage.

I think the same can be said of marriages and long term relationships. Many go through the hard years, and come to some sort of peaceful coexistence. But how many are TRULY happy? How many achieve something closer to their initial idealized view (tempered by reality)? Or how many simply accept that what they have is “good enough”.

I’m a big believer in continuous improvement, and I believe that regardless of the state of your relationship currently, it can always be better. You can always find ways to communicate better, and come to understand each other better. Passion should never die. You should be able to feel just as passionate about your partner at 80 as you did at 20.

To me this is the goal. This is the sort of love we all aspire to. It may not be the stuff of fairy tales, but it’s the real life version of fairy tales.

So how do we get there? Next up, my ideas on this. I promise this time

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