How The Primal Brain Damages Relationships

Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Avoidance, Blaming, Choice, Communication, Conflict, couples, Happiness, Hope, Relationship Help, Self-Improvement by zombiedrew2

Before I became a parent, I had a vision of the type of parent I wanted to be.

I thought I would be someone who would talk “to” his kids –not down to them.

I would treat them like “people”, with kindness and respect. They were small people, sure; but they were still people.

Because of this I figured I wouldn’t need to raise my voice or yell, and I definitely wouldn’t ever do anything like spank them. Instead, I would be patient. I would explain things to them, and use reason when dealing with them.

Ha.

Man was I ever naive.

Nice idea in theory, but in practice? It doesn’t necessarily work.

See, kids are still learning how to interact with the world around them, and they are just learning about their own emotions.

Sometimes kids (mine included) will have tantrums. And experience has shown me that during time of high emotion (such as during the heat of a tantrum) there is no reasoning. There is no logic.

In those moments, they are simply REACTING, and are completely out of control.

After the moment has passed and they have calmed down, THEN I can talk to them. That is when they will be able to actually hear me, and reason will kinda/sorta/maybe work.

In a heightened emotional state though, reason has no chance.

I see this a lot in life.

Times where people do things and make choices that leave me dumbfounded. Often I’m left wondering “what the hell are they thinking?”

And that’s just it.

Sometimes people aren’t thinking.

Sometimes people WILL made decisions that are absolutely TERRIBLE, and have long term ramifications that seem so obvious I can’t understand HOW people could possibly make the decisions they do.

But maybe in those moments people aren’t actually thinking. Maybe in those moments they are just reacting, and aren’t actually CAPABLE of understanding the implications of their choices.

The Primal Brain

Now, a bit of a disclaimer here. Usually my posts have a fair bit of research to them, and I have facts to support what I’m saying.

For this one, I’m kinda flying by the seat of my pants and throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks. So hopefully this makes sense to someone other than me. Maybe there is data to back it up, maybe not; but it still “feels” right to me.

I first started thinking about this stuff when reading up on anxiety, and the fight or flight response.

The fight or flight response is something we’ve all probably experienced at one point in time or another. It occurs when you are in a situation that you feel threatened, or uneasy, and it’s largely a physiological response. Biology takes over, and (as the name implies) a person gets ready to either stand and fight or run away. It’s a survival mechanism that is built into our DNA.

I’ve seen this described as being part of the primal, lizard, or reptilian brain. And it’s described as follows (from brainupfl.org):

Our most primitive piece of brain anatomy is responsible for basic functions (i.e. breathing, heatbeat) and primal instincts (i.e. survival, dominance, mating).

Think about this for a moment:

Survival, dominance, mating.

All of these things are kind of important, and they are also things that often get people in a TON of trouble!!!

In each of these areas, you hear stories where people sometimes do things that they never believed they were capable of – sometimes for good, but usually for bad. And when these things happen, those who know them look at these people and struggle with reconciling the action with the person.

Abuse, affairs, murder even. The term “crimes of passion” is used to describe actions someone took because of a strong sudden impulse, but was not premeditated.

In these cases, I think the primal brain is at work.

To be clear, I don’t think the idea of people reacting to the primal brain means they aren’t responsible for their choices. They still are – ALWAYS.

But this does highlight the importance of people being more responsible for their own emotional state (more on this below…).

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

I think this idea of the primal brain and certain instinctual behaviors being able to override logic and reason (and the ability to think through consequences) is supported by Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

Maslow’s hierarchy is an idea about human motivation and personal growth. In it he breaks down different levels of needs, with the fundamental ones at the bottom and the “higher level” needs at the top. One of the primary ideas is that we need to be in a position where our lower level needs are being met before we can move up the hierarchy to the higher level needs.

maslow-pyramid

Taking a look at the bottom level (or basic needs) you have things needed for survival, followed by a need for safety and security. And although it’s not depicted on the chart I have here, often sexual instinct is seen as a need that sits at the level of basic needs.

Psychological needs such as love and intimacy are next, which means they can’t be met until our physiological and safety needs are met.

This makes a ton of sense.

Love and intimacy is based on trust, and when issues occur in relationships that break down trust usually the sense of intimacy soon breaks down as well.

Coping Mechanisms

Any regular readers will know that I talk a lot about coping mechanisms.

Over the past few years I’ve come to believe that the coping mechanisms each individual brings to the table are probably the most important things that contribute to the success and longevity of the relationship.

So what are coping mechanisms?

Well, here’s my take on it…

Our coping mechanisms are the default behaviors we exhibit when confronted with threat or conflict. These behaviors are our automatic responses, and are probably a combination of nature and nurture. Although there may be an inherent component to them, they are also learned behaviors.

Going back the Fight or Flight response, I think everyone’s coping mechanisms fall someone on a spectrum, where we have aggression and anger (fight) on one side of the scale, and we have withdrawing or shutting down (flight) on the other end of the spectrum.

BOTH of these approaches are TERRIBLE for both individual health and for relationships.

The way I see it, both extremes of fight and flight are responses of the primal brain. In both scenarios, someone is simply reacting to a situation, and during those moments they are incapable of reason, logic, or thinking of consequences.

But these responses aren’t either/or, they sit on a spectrum.

So a goal we should ALL have is to work on our coping mechanisms. We should work on regaining control, and not letting our primal brain take over.

If we are someone who reacts with anger when things go wrong, we need to learn to control that. If we are someone who shuts down and withdraws when times are hard, we need to learn to work with other people and stop retreating into ourselves.

As kids, we are learning the world around us and learning to manage our feelings and emotions. And sadly, some of us don’t really learn that very well.

But the key word here is learn.

Shutting down and withdrawing, or becoming aggressive and angry in the face of perceived threat or challenge is never the answer. We should always strive to find a way to push back the primal brain and respond with reason. Because caring, compassion and empathy are all higher level functions; and they require us to be able to stay in control

Our coping mechanisms, no matter how broken, can always be improved.

And in many cases our very relationships depend on it.

20Nov2016

Living in Fantasy Land

Posted in Adultery, Affairs, Choice, Commitment, Communication, Conflict, Connection, Expectation, Happiness, Life, Love, Marriage, Passion, Relationship Help, Responsibility by zombiedrew2

fantasyheader

Growing up I read a lot of books, and my genre of choice was fantasy.

Castles, knights, dragons, elves, dwarves, creatures like trolls/orcs/goblins etc; quests for mystical objects to save the world from some impending doom or evil.

I love that stuff.

For me, the fantasy genre was a way to escape into a world that was completely different from the one I knew. There was nobility, intrigue, betrayal, redemption. And there was usually the romantic notion of good triumphing over evil.

In the fantasy world, everything people did had a purpose. You don’t see a lot of people doing things like eating, going to the bathroom, cleaning up the yard, or paying the bills. They don’t even really talk about their day. But when they do, it’s known as “character development”.

In the world of fantasy, things are always exciting!!!

(Alright, I know. In Lord of the Rings the characters do a lot of walking. And I mean A LOT. But hey, they had to cross all of Middle Earth and it’s not like they had cars or anything. So even all that walking was done with a noble purpose in mind).

The main draw of the fantasy world is, it’s just that. Fantasy. It’s not real. It’s an escape.

When we read about knights and dragons, it’s pretty clear that this is just a make believe world. Same as the world of superheroes, science fiction, and Disney princesses.

It’s less clear when the fantasy world more closely resembles that of real life. TV shows, movies, books. Often they are set in “the real world”, but they are just as separated from real life as the world of Fantasy.

And problems can occur when fantasy starts to interfere with real life.

Romantic Love

I write about relationships, and with that I truly believe in love, romance, and all the stuff that comes with that.

But I completely reject the way love is often portrayed.

True love. The One. Two people’s eyes meeting across a crowded room, and they know they will be together forever.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a romantic so I understand the appeal of that stuff. But it’s a load of crap, and I think it does a lot of damage to people’s understandings of real, healthy relationships.

fantasyquote2

Let’s look at dating, and love.

Love is supposed to be altruistic. It’s about genuinely caring about another person, and being able to (at times) put their needs and wants first. It’s about being part of something that’s bigger than you.

In the dating world on the other hand, you see a selfish form of love. When you first meet someone, do you REALLY care about them? Umm, no. Dating is primarily about what YOU want, and how you can find someone who will be able to satisfy YOUR needs and wants. Sure, you give to the other person. But that giving isn’t done freely, it’s done because of what we get out of it. Either it makes us feel good to give, or we are expecting something in return.

In the dating world, you (usually) aren’t even YOU. Instead, you are portraying a version of you. And usually, you are putting forth what you believe to be the best version of you, or the version that you think the other person will be most interested in.

And the other person is doing the same.

You are exchanging carefully constructed facades, which have elements of the “real people” underneath. But there is a lot that is left hidden, or unsaid.

Dating may have elements of a deeper relationship. But like Fantasy it’s only a part of it, it’s not based on reality.

In a perfect world, as you get to know each other better you come to value the other person as more than just a vehicle for your needs. You come to understand them, and genuinely care about them. And eventually, you start to think of the relationship with them as something larger than use yourself. You are contributing to something, and building something. You are still “you”, but you are now also part of an “us”.

Romance stories and movies usually depict the early stages of relationships. The excitement, the passion and the romance. And often they end with the couple finally “making it” (usually after going their separate ways after a misunderstanding, and then at the last minute realizing they do belong together after all).

Romance stories usually end with the wedding. Really though, that’s where “easy” stops and the real work begins.

When Life Gets in the Way

Life is mostly routine. We work, pay bills, shop for groceries, prepare meals, do yard work, etc. All of this is stuff we “have” to do, and there’s nothing particularly exciting or romantic about it. But really, this is where most of our energy gets spent. Add kids to the mix, and often it seems there’s little time left to focus on being lovers and being a couple. So people settle into patterns, and what may have started as passionate love becomes a love based more on comfort and familiarity.

Love based on comfort and familiarity isn’t a bad thing. At the same time though, romance doesn’t have to die. In fact, it should NEVER die. But it will change, and unless a couple works at it they will end up waking up one day and finding they are more roommates than a couple.

Romance doesn’t just happen. Passion doesn’t just happen.

In the early days it’s there because it’s new, we are learning each other, and we are putting energy into it. When we stop putting in, it fades. And it’s not the responsibility of one person to keep things “alive”. Both people in a relationship need to be willing to put the effort in, and prioritize being lovers.

Finding Passion again – the WRONG way!!!

A while back I interviewed a guy who cheated on his wife, and posted the story of his affair. I’ve talked to a number of people and read a number of stories about affairs, and often the story is similar.

People get caught up in the “routine” side of life and find themselves longing for the “old days”. They find themselves missing the early stages of love – the passionate side. And they convince themselves that is “real” love, and they will never be able to find it again with their current partner. They feel “dead inside”, so they start to look elsewhere in order to feel alive again.

In talking about his affair, he wrote:

I was lonely and dying for attention, which is what led me to look for it elsewhere. I did not do this looking for an affair, but just some attention that validated I was worth something. Then I met the other woman (OW), one thing led to another until I was in a full blown affair.

Affair are like a return to the world of dating, and it’s important to note that they are not real life. Rather, they are a way to escape from the pressures and stresses of real life.

Just like an alcoholic turning to drink, or an addict turning to a chemical high, affairs are a way to escape from reality. Affair partners meet up in secret, and it’s all about need fulfillment.

There’s no real responsibility; no worrying about mortgages, bills or the kids. Rather, the relationship with the affair partner is like being on a constant vacation.

Really, they are an “easy way out”. Instead of actually facing and dealing with problems within a relationship, or accepting that the problems within a relationship are significant enough that the relationship should end; an affair is a way for someone to “have it both ways”. They are able to pick and choose the parts of the relationship they want to deal with in their primary relationship, and then find the parts that are missing elsewhere.

Of course, they also destroy lives and do a tremendous amount of damage to everyone involved.

They are also not sustainable.

Eventually, if the affair partners see each other enough the “vacation” will end. Real life will start to intrude, with issues and responsibilities. When this happens the carefully constructed facades crumble, and the real person beneath starts to show. A real person, who has real problems just like anyone else. And when this becomes apparent, the appeal of the affair is often broken.

It was euphoria when were together and agony when we were apart. This is what fed the illusion that it was such a great “relationship”. The reality was, it was just fantasy land and as I began to see her with everyday problems like us, the less and less I wanted to be with her. I think I was finally really realizing what I had done. I was seeing that the OW was really just fantasy land and none of it was real.

fantasyquote1

When the fantasy of the affair was broken and reality hit, he found himself trying to understand “why” he did it. Why he felt such chemistry and passion with his affair partner but not with his wife. And his answer was simple:

It is a funny question to me now. What did she see that my wife didn’t? I can answer it without a problem. She saw someone who had an interest in them. Who made them feel attractive and interesting. So she never saw me, she saw what I was giving her. So the real question I should have been asking myself was not “What did she see that my wife didn’t?” but “What I am giving her that I am not giving my wife?”

He had chemistry and passion not because of anything special about his affair partner. No, it was there because of what he put into the relationship. Time, energy, and effort. He put that in to his time with his affair partner, and this led to the passion he had been missing.

Fantasy land is just that. Fantasy. It’s great as an escape, but it’s important to remember that it is not real life. And it’s an escape that should only ever occur within the mind.

When the lines start to blur between fantasy and reality, often many lives are affected.

And no matter how great the fantasy world may seem, eventually reality always comes crashing down.

12Nov2016

The Disease of Me

Posted in Appreciation, Blaming, Choice, Commitment, Communication, Conflict, couples, Emotional Intelligence, Entitlement, Expectation, Happiness, Identity, Life, Love, Marriage, Narcissism, Relationship Help, Self-Improvement by zombiedrew2

selfish_header

I’ve been writing about relationships for a number of years now, and during that time I’ve read a lot of books and talked to a lot of people.

One thing I’ve found is, although each person and each relationship is a bit different; people’s problems are largely the same. There are a lot of couples out there who are struggling with slightly different variations of the same things. But when you really break down the problems, at their root one of the largest problems is that people frequently choose “me” over “we”.

Put another way, one of the largest problems in relationships is selfishness.

I see being in a relationship as being part of a team. And the same team “skills” that apply in a work environment or on a sports team also apply in relationships.

For years, Pat Riley was widely regarded as one of the top coaches in professional basketball. He coined the phrase “the disease of me” to describe selfishness, and how runs contrary to the ideas that are required in order for a team to succeed.

The most difficult thing for players to do when they become part of a team is to sacrifice. It is much easier, and much more natural, to be selfish. – Pat Riley

Pat Riley makes a great observation here – it is much more natural to be selfish. I believe this is very true.

As children, our world is about our needs and our fears. Parents are in our life to provide for us and to shelter us, and I think we see them for the utility that they bring us instead of seeing us as people.

We grow, and develop friendships. And although we care about those people, it is still mainly about what they do for us. How much we enjoy being around them, and how they make us feel.

We start romantic relationships, and in the beginning these are COMPLETELY about us. We have things we want out of life, and things we are looking for in another person. And we view this potential partner in terms of what WE get out of the relationship, and how WE feel around that person.

This sense of love being about us and our needs is captured well by someone who writes about having an affair:

I wish I’d known what love was. I craved feelings I labeled as love. Feelings that came from having someone I valued value me in return. It made me feel I was all that. In fact, the more I esteemed the other person, the stronger the effect. But, what I really loved was how they made me feel about myself. The reflection of my image in their eyes made me feel amazing. But love isn’t that feeling, rather it’s the grace my wife extended, not when I deserved it, but rather when I least deserved it.

This inherent selfishness makes sense. As a person, I can’t see into someone else’s head – but I am acutely aware of what I feel. My feelings, my emotions, and how events impact me. I may be able to tell that I have hurt someone around me, but I’m experiencing that through observation and interpretation of their actions and responses to my own. I can’t actually FEEL their pain. So it makes sense that it is less important to me than my own.

So yeah, selfishness may be inherent. But not being able to grow past it is a sign of emotional immaturity.

Truly caring for others (versus seeing them primarily as a tool for our own needs) is learned. Empathy is learned. But the capability to learn these things is a huge part of what makes us human.

We may start by only being able to see the world in terms of how it affects us. But part of growing up involves understanding that everything isn’t about us.

We may go into relationships because of what we want, and what we get out of them. But for that relationship to truly grow and succeed, it HAS to become something more. We have to come to see the other persons wants and needs as just as important as our own. And there are times that we have to be willing to sacrifice what WE want for the benefit of the relationship.

If we can’t?

Then what we have isn’t truly a relationship.

Or if it is, it’s a parasitic one instead of a symbiotic one. If we are there primarily for what we get and we can’t see the value of what we put in, the relationship will never be able to last.

In discussing the “disease of me” in the context of a basketball team, Pat Riley came up with the following warning signs:

Feelings of under appreciation (‘woe is me’)
Focusing on personal playing time and stats
Internal cliques within the team
Excessive joy in a personal performance when the team loses
Frustration from lack of playing time when the team wins
Desire to have more recognition than a teammate

Although this list has a basketball focus, the basic idea still applies in relationships. Not feeling appreciated, focusing on what YOU get out of the relationship, not taking pride in or appreciating your partner’s successes, and valuing yourself above your partner. All of these indicate selfishness.

But wait a minute? What about me? Am I saying that relationships are all about “us”, and you need to lose the “me” in order to be successful in a relationship?

No, not at all.

You matter. Your needs and wants in the relationship matter. You need to be able to maintain the “individual” as part of the relationship.

But your partner matters too.

In a healthy relationship, you have found a balance between me and we. You accept that you are building something larger than you, and that sometimes you need to sacrifice for the good of the relationship.

Healthy relationships have strong communication, and accept that there are both individual and couple goals. And they work to find a balance where both can be worked towards.

I think the following quote sums this up well:

selfishness-quotes

Everyone has needs and wants, and it’s important to strive towards them. That’s healthy.

But when you put your needs and wants above those of your partner, and expect them to conform to you; that’s selfish. And that is VERY bad for relationships.

A while back I came up with my three keys to a successful relationship:

love each other (actively)
don’t be selfish
communicate

Three simple rules that I think can make any relationship better.

Loving each other should be easy. Communication may not be easy, but it’s a skill that can be improved over time. The real key is not being selfish.

Selfish people CAN change. But no one can change them.

They have to be willing to see how much damage their self-absorption has caused to those around them, and then they have to want to change on their own.

And when they can’t, or won’t? Sometimes the only thing you can do is walk away. Because often their pursuit of happiness will come at the expense of yours.

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23Oct2016

Broken, but whole…

Posted in Conflict, Effort, Life, Love, Relationship Help, Relationships, Self-Improvement, Stories by zombiedrew2

crashingwaves

A few year back my family and I took a vacation to an island area. We’re from the prairies, so the sight of all that water never ceases to amaze me. In the prairies we have lakes, but it’s completely different from the oceans. Lake water is freshwater (vs. the salt of the oceans), and it’s also really calm.

One morning we were out for a swim/walk on the beach, and the waves were really coming in. It was awesome, I had never really seen anything like it before. The boys and I waded out till they were around waist deep, and facing the waves became a sort of a game.

We stood there, laughing as the waves crashed against us; feeling the force of them push us back. A few times my youngest would get pushed over, into the water. So we held hands and made a “human wall”. We faced them together, and when one of us was struggling to stay on their feet, the other would help steady them, or help them up when they were submerged.

The waves were steady, but we never knew what was coming next. Sometimes we would see a big one coming, and one of us would yell “brace for impact!!!,” as we leaned in to allow our bodies to absorb the force of the water.

I think life is a lot like that. Sometimes the waters are placid, but other times we are buffeted by wave after wave. In life though, you don’t always see them coming. And some waves can threaten to drag you down if you aren’t prepared.

Sometimes the waves of life pull you down, and you feel like you’re going to drown. Sometimes, they break you. And nothing seems to make sense as you feel your life start to spiral out of control.

Just like the ocean though, these waves eventually pass. No matter how much they hurt, and how broken you feel, you emerge out on the other side.

If you have people around you, and you are willing to reach out your hand you will often find them with you, helping to steady you and keep you afloat. And helping to pull you out when you find yourself in over your head.

Or you can choose to go at it alone. It’s harder, but if you hold on and fight the rushing torrent, eventually it will pass.

Even when you feel broken, you are still you. And if you can find the strength to pick yourself back up you will find that you don’t have to retreat to the shore. You don’t have to give in to the pain. You can face whatever is ahead of you, and emerge on the other side.

Different maybe. And maybe even broken. But still whole.

Because there will always be more. Waves of different sizes and intensities. Periods of calm, and periods of storm.

HOW you face them, and how you emerge is up to you.

Here come the waves – brace for impact.

12Oct2016

I Promise to Hurt You

Posted in Appreciation, Blaming, Commitment, Communication, Communication Issues, Conflict, Honesty, Life, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help by zombiedrew2

In my writing, I generally try to have a positive look at relationships and marriage. I’m a big believer that marriage can be a great thing, while acknowledging that often it ends up not being all that it can and should be.

With that, todays headline may seem like an error at first. But it’s not.

Yeah, I am intentionally saying “I promise TO hurt you” (instead of I promise NOT to hurt you). And no, I’m not talking about hurting someone in the “50 Shades of Grey” sense.

I’m talking about actually hurting someone. Not physically, but emotionally or mentally. And I’m not saying I may hurt you. I’m saying I will – and so will you.

So what am I talking about here?

Vulnerability

Who can hurt you?

If you’re talking physically anyone can hurt you. Periodically people will bump into me with their carts when I’m out shopping, and it hurts. I play basketball, and sometimes guys will hit me with an elbow or a knee, and yeah, that hurts too. Hell, my kids will sometime hit me with random toys while playing.

Those kinds of hurts? Those are just things that happen. Generally people say sorry (hopefully), bruises heal, and you move on.

But who can REALLY hurt you – the kind of hurt that lingers long after the physical hurt has healed?

The people who can really hurt you the people who are closest to you; the people who love you. The people you never expect it from; parents, siblings, friends, children and most importantly your partner.

Why?

Because we care about and trust these people. We believe they value us and want what is best for us. We allow ourselves to be vulnerable with them, and as a result we open ourselves up to potentially be hurt.

Being Human

I consider myself a fairly good guy. Based on my belief set I try to do “the right thing”, and when I screw up I try to take accountability for my own actions.

I try, I really do.

But I still screw up sometimes.

I have days where I’m frustrated and I inadvertently take it out on those around me. I have times that I think I’m being funny, but in reality I’m being hurtful. I have days that I can be self-absorbed, and not pay enough attention to those around me.

I know these things happen, and I know that when they do they hurt those around me – those who I profess to love the most.

And I don’t think I’m alone in this.

In turn, I can guarantee that I’ve been hurt badly by those who I care about the most. My parents, my siblings, my wife.

It happens with my friends too, but that happens less frequently. Why? Honestly, it’s because I see them a lot less.

When you are around people a lot, they have more opportunities to see you at your worst.

A Higher Standard

Interestingly, I’ve been hurt by my kids too; but it tends to sting less because they are just kids, and I figure they don’t know any better. To me those “teaching moments”, on how you need to be conscious of how you treat other people.

Here’s the thing though, at some level I hold those closest to me to a higher standard. Subconsciously I figure that because they care about me, they should know better and they should DO better. So when they hurt me, it shows they don’t care.

I think we all do this in relationships to some degree. We hold our partners to a higher standard, and when they hurt us it slowly erodes the trust we have in them. And as the trust erodes, so is our willingness to be vulnerable. After all, someone can’t hurt us if we don’t let them in.

I’ve heard it said that relationships rarely die because of some big event. Instead, it’s usually the death of a thousand cuts – a thousand times that someone has hurts us, and we don’t want to let them do that anymore.

Accepting Hurt

The obvious solution to preserve our relationships is for us to stop hurting each other. To always be conscious of what we say, and what we do. To always be considerate and take our partner into account with everything we do.

But that’s a pipe dream.

Don’t get me wrong – it’s a goal, and one we should all aspire to. Thing is, we all have bad days. We all have moments we wish we could take back.

That doesn’t excuse bad behavior, and it shouldn’t be a pattern. But maybe we need to accept that sometimes our partners WILL hurt us.

And when it happens, we communicate it. Maybe not right in the moment, but we tell them “hey, when you did this it hurt me”. And then we let it go.

Because holding on to hurt allows it to grow. That allows it to break down trust, break down vulnerability, and break down relationships.

I would never tell someone I promise not to hurt them, because I know that’s a promise I would not be able to keep.

Instead I would promise people that I would not intentionally hurt them. And when I do hurt them, I want to know about it, and I want to be held accountable for it.

I can never change the past. But I can always do my best to prevent the past from poisoning the future.

20Sep2016

Why Counselling Fails

Posted in Avoidance, Commitment, Communication, Communication Issues, Conflict, couples, Life, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help by zombiedrew2

therapistoffice

Picture this scenario:

There’s a couple, who love each other; but one day they realize they are having problems. Or maybe they aren’t even having problems, and instead they find themselves thinking that maybe there should be more to life.

Whatever is going on starts to put stress on their relationship, and they are starting to question if they really want this relationship any more. Or maybe they know they still want the relationships, but not as it currently is. They want to see some sort of changes that they believe will improve the relationship.

So, either because they think it may help or because other people are suggesting it is a good idea, they decide to see the help of a couples counselor.

The problem is, counselling often doesn’t work.

I don’t have any real hard numbers here, but from what I’ve seen only around 10% of couples show any sort of improvements in their relationship after seeing a counselor. And for people who choose to see a counselor, around 50% of the relationships end up failing.

That 50% number is right in line with overall divorce rates, so really, what’s the point. If seeing a counselor doesn’t really improve the success rate of relationships, it looks like it’s just a waste of time and money.

Why?

Is counselling nothing more than a waste of time and effort? Or can it actually help relationships?

I happen to believe counselling CAN be very valuable – both individually and as a couple. But you need to be doing it for the right reasons, and you need to go in with the right mindset.

Prevention or Cure?

The first big problem with counselling is, couples often go to a counselor WAY too late. In fact, many counselors feel that a couple has gone to see them a year or two later than they probably should have.

In many ways this is understandable. Our personal issues are, well, personal. Communication is hard at the best of times, which probably the biggest reason that couples get into trouble in the first place. Yet couples who are struggling with some sort of issues are supposed to now go to see some third party (with their partner) and talk to them about the exact issues they find it hard to talk to their partner about?

Ummm, yeah. Not fun, or easy. So it’s easy to see why people often opt to instead do nothing, and hope that this is something that will pass, or something they can just live with.

Except it doesn’t work that way. Ignoring things doesn’t work, and will never make things better.

As the saying goes:

prevention

Yet most couples see counselling a last resort, so what may have been fairly manageable issues tend to grow and become magnified. Resentment often sets in, and by the time people are willing to accept that it’s a big enough problem that they need to do something, there is a lot of damage that needs to be undone before any true improvements can be made.

Problem? What Problem?

Another big problem with counseling is, in order for it to be effective BOTH people must want it, and see a need for it. Unfortunately relationship issues often don’t work that way.

Commonly one person is actually pretty happy (or at least content) with the things that are a problem for the other person. This can make it very difficult to see any real improvements, because the person who wants to see changes needs to get buy-in from someone who doesn’t see a need for any changes.

An important thing to remember is, a relationship involves two people and both peoples needs/wants have to matter. If one person believes there is a problem (lets just call it an opportunity for improvement) – then guess what, there’s a problem. The other person who doesn’t really see this as an issue can’t just convince their partner it’s not an issue, or wish it away. Whether they like it or not, if their partner believes there is an issue then there’s a legitimate issue.

In fact, one of the WORST things they can do is try to convince their partner it’s not an issue. By doing that, they are invalidating their partners’ feelings and beliefs (hopefully unintentionally). And doing that will only serve to widen any gaps between a couple.

What is your Goal?

The last (and largest) problem I see with counselling is the reason people go.

See, we have this (broken) notion that unconditional love means you are being accepted “as you are”. And being accepted for who you are means you shouldn’t have to change.

But if a couple is talking about going to counselling, generally there is a reason. Something is not working, or could be working better.

And how is that supposed to happen without change?

I’m pretty sure a couple doesn’t expect to go to a counselor, describe their issues, and then have the counselor say something like “Sounds great, keep doing what you’ve been doing”. That won’t address anything. That won’t allow anything to improve.

No, couples go to counseling usually because one person is pushing them there, and on at least some level the person pushing for counseling is expecting the counselor to side with them.

They are expecting to go in and tell their story, and have the counselor “fix” their partner for them. They want the counselor to tell their partner to change their behavior in ways that better accommodate them, and their needs.

And that is where I think counselling really starts to fall apart; because that’s not what it’s for.

To me, counseling is not about determining who’s right or wrong. It’s not about having one person change their behavior to accommodate the other person.

It’s really about trying to understand the conflicts facing a couple, the gaps between their needs and wants, and trying to find a path forward works best for BOTH people.

And that will almost never involve change on only one side.

For counseling to be successful, I think both people need to be willing to face some potentially uncomfortable truths about themselves, and their roles in the problems their relationship faces. Yeah, one person may be “more to blame” than the other, but that doesn’t really matter. If you are looking for who’s to blame, you’re already in trouble.

What’s really more important – for things to be better, or for you to be right? People often say they want things to be better (for both people), but really they usually want to be right. Because accepting that they have contributed to the problems means they have to change too.

It’s easy to see how and why our partners should change to accommodate us, but looking at our own part in things? That’s hard. It means we may have to change some things too, and no one wants to change – because change is scary as hell.

Maintaining Relationships

If we buy a car, we understand we need to do periodic maintenance or it will break down (seriously, just try driving your car and never changing the oil. I promise it won’t be fun). If we buy a house we understand there is yard maintenance that needs to be done and general repair.

Hell, we understand that doing something like taking a bath or a shower on a regular basis is fairly important to personal hygiene.

Everything wears out, gets dirty or breaks down over time if you don’t maintain it. But our relationships? In theory they should be one of the most important things in our lives – yet most of us do a TERRIBLE job of even maintaining them (never mind growing them).

Counselling is often seen as a last resort for couples who are searching for how to “save” their relationship, or make it better. And often even when we do go, it’s more about how we can make the relationship better for us than it is about how to make life better as a couple.

So what is your goal? Do you truly want to grow old with your partner? If so, wouldn’t it maybe be a good idea to try and make your relationship the best it can be – for both of you?

If so, putting in effort and working on your relationship a little be every day may go a long way towards keeping it strong. Trying to truly listen to your partner, and acknowledge when problems exist (even when it doesn’t seem like a problem for you) and show willingness to work on them may also help.

Sometimes it’s hard to work through things together. Sometimes we do need a bit of help – and that shouldn’t be something to be embarrassed about or ashamed of.

Divorce rates continue to hover around 50%. And success rates for couples who seek counselling are also believed to be around 50%.

But if you could quantify the success rates for couples who are able to put ego aside and really focus on doing what’s best for “us” instead of what’s best for “me”, I’m confident the numbers would be considerably higher.

19Aug2016

Doing What You Want

Posted in Commitment, Conflict, couples, Happiness, Identity, Individuality, Life, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help by zombiedrew2

Oscillating

In life, we are individuals first and foremost. And as individuals, we are able to do anything we want.

Other people can suggest things to us, and they may have a level of influence over us; but we ultimately control our own choices and actions. No one can force us to do anything we don’t want to do.

So my question is should we ever have to do anything we don’t want to do?

At first glance, the answer seems obvious:

No, of course not.

If you don’t want to do something, why in the world would you do it? Right?

Unfortunately things aren’t that simple.

Your Life is Not Your Own.

We are individuals. And yes, we CAN do what we want. But we do not live in a vacuum.

Our choices and decisions impact others. If you are in a relationship, or have children; your actions often have a significant impact on those people (whether you like it or not).

There’s no escaping this. Even if we are single, living on our own and fully independent – there are still going to be times that our actions impact others. Maybe it’s co-workers, or neighbors, or even just friends.

So no, I don’t think it’s fair to say that someone can ever just do what they want. Short of removing ourselves from civilization, moving to an isolated island and returning to a hunter/gatherer lifestyle, our actions ALWAYS impact others.

Most of us don’t want to live on an island by ourselves though. We are social creatures, and we all crave social connection.

Actually, even if we WERE on an island by ourselves we would still desire/need connection. In the movie Castaway, Tom Hanks was stranded for years, and the only thing that kept him sane was having his volleyball buddy Wilson to talk to (for those that haven’t seen it, Wilson actually was a volleyball). Yeah it was a fictional movie, but it struck a chord because people are social animals – I suspect that’s why solitary confinement is considered a form of punishment.

So we seek out connection. We look for people who we can talk to and listen to. People who make us feel valued, seen, and heard.

And for many of us, this is what leads us to look for a partner in life. Someone to build a life with, and someone we can envision one day “growing old” with.

Building a Relationship

Looking at romantic relationships (marriage/partner), one of the unwritten rules is that the other person has to matter to you. Your choices affect them, and their choices affect you.

That doesn’t necessarily mean you need to change anything about the way you live or the choices you make. After all, for the relationship to work you still need to be you and your partner needs to be able to accept you as such.

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you aren’t an individual anymore, but it does mean you are more than just an individual.

Because of this you need to keep in mind how your choices will impact your partner. Relationships require caring, empathy, and accepting influence. And taking your partner into account is part of that.

This brings me back to my initial question:

Should we ever have to do anything we don’t want to do?

If your partner wants you to do something and you don’t want to do it, should you be willing to do it for them? Or do you just say I don’t want to, or that’s not my thing?

It’s a difficult question.

Clearly that depends on what it is, and on the perceived expectation from your partner.

If your partner wants you to be their getaway driver for a bank heist, then it’s pretty easy to just say no. If they want you to have an orgy with the neighbor and a goat, again, pretty easy to say no.

But what if it’s a fairly reasonable request?

Let’s say your partner loves opera and wants you to join them, but you don’t like it. Should you go with them? How about if you are planning a vacation and struggling to find a place you both want to go, or even just trying to pick a movie to see?

Are relationships only about finding a person with similar interests, and then only doing things together that you both enjoy? Or are there time that you should do things you may not really be interested in doing?

In my opinion, for a relationship to be successful there HAS to be give and take. You need to be able to go outside your comfort zone and do things with your partner that isn’t necessarily your thing. If I go to the opera with my partner (and I don’t enjoy opera), it has nothing to do with opera. Instead, it’s about sharing moments and experiences with your partner that are important to them. You aren’t showing interest in opera – you are showing interest in your partner.

It doesn’t mean you should have to go with them all the time. But sharing moments that are important to them is about accepting influence from them. In some ways you can think of it as investing in your relationship, and in your future.

Doing Your Own Thing

In relationships, the balance between individual and part of a couple can be hard, and there are often conflicting messages.

Sometimes you hear things like “happiness is found in doing things for others”. Other times you hear things like “there’s nothing selfish about putting yourself first, taking care of yourself and making yourself a priority”.

So which is it? Is it best to do things for others all the time or should you just look out for yourself?

The challenge is, both of these are true. Looking out for yourself may SEEM selfish, but in some ways it’s not. YOU MATTER!!! Your needs, your wants and your desires are important. They need to matter, whether you are in a relationship or not.

Once in a relationship however, the other person needs to matter too. And when needs and wants conflict, it can’t just be about you.

Relationships aren’t just about getting your way, and doing what you want. They don’t only apply when both people’s needs/wants happen to line up.

If you don’t want to do something and feel you shouldn’t have to do anything you don’t want, then that’s fine. That’s an individual choice that you can make.

But if someone in a relationship feels they should be able to do whatever they want without taking into account how it will impact their partner, then that’s not a relationship.

They are looking for someone to be there on their terms only, and to care of their needs. What they really want is to pick and choose the parts of the relationship that work for them.

In that situation there isn’t much accepting influence, caring or empathy.

And without that, there isn’t much love.

selfish

27Jul2016

Happiness is Overrated

Posted in Achievement, Anxiety, Appreciation, Avoidance, Blaming, Communication, Communication Issues, Compatibility, Conflict, Connection, Emotional Intelligence, Happiness, Letting Go, Life, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help by zombiedrew2

asian young Couple not talking after fight in living room There seems to be a huge focus on happiness these days, specifically in relationships.

I’m at an age now where a lot of long term relationships/marriages are failing, or people are starting new relationships (after their marriage has failed). And in these failed relationships, unhappiness is almost always cited as the main reason.

I hear things like:

I just want to be happy
Everyone deserves to be happy
Lifes too short to not be happy
I’m happy now (in the new relationship)

This focus on happiness worries me a bit, and in fact I think happiness is kind of a dangerous and even subversive concept. And although I understand what people are getting at, I think they’re often missing the point.

Of course people “want to be happy”. Really, does anyone actually go around and claim the opposite? Unless you’re Grumpy from the seven dwarves, I don’t think anyone really wants to be unhappy (though I will admit there are some people who almost seem to thrive off negativity).

Yes, there are different emotions and generally the positive emotions are seen as preferable experiences to negative emotions (which is probably why some are classified as positive and others as negative).

I totally get all that.

Here’s my problem – what exactly is happiness?

Do you know? Because I sure don’t; and I spend a lot of time thinking and writing about this stuff. I do however know that happiness is more than just a feeling. Further no one is always happy, and even when someone IS happy, they aren’t going to be happy in every aspect of their life.

Happiness is not like a light switch that is “on” or “off”. You can be happy at home, but not in your job. Or happy when you get a bit of down time, but feel overwhelmed when faced with all the things that need to be done as part of domestic life.

Happiness is complex, and the aspects and levels of it aren’t consistent over time.

“Unhappy” Relationships

So what does this really mean to relationships?

When people leave (or thinking about leaving) a relationship because “they aren’t happy”, I don’t think it’s really about happiness.

Instead, I think it’s about conflict that a couple has been unable to resolve.

Over time, unresolved conflict creates an environment of hurt, and likely resentment. That in turn creates tension in the relationship, as one or both members feel their needs aren’t being met and they aren’t being heard. A few posts ago I talked about connection, and a big component of connection is feeling valued, heard, and seen. So if you feel you aren’t being heard, this will cause the connection to break down.

Over time this leads to a perpetual state of tension within the relationship, which is emotionally draining.

With broken connection and a state of tension, a couple will have a harder time finding joy even in the good parts of the relationship and instead will often focus more on the problems as they become magnified.

And THIS will result in…

(ready for it?)

…unhappiness.

I know what you’re thinking –“but ZombieDrew, isn’t that the same thing? Doesn’t it still boil down to the couple being unhappy?”

Nope, and the distinction here is really important.

First, it’s important to remember that having conflict doesn’t mean you have a bad relationship. It means you’re normal. Conflict is as unavoidable as death and taxes, and is a byproduct of two different people building a life together. You won’t always agree and you won’t always get along, and that’s alright.

Another important thing is unhappiness isn’t the problem, it’s a SYMPTOM of a different (and truly, a larger) problem.

And understanding that? THAT really matters.

Because you can’t solve a symptom, you can’t solve unhappy. You need to understand the actual problem. And if you can understand the actual problem, THEN you can do something about it!!!

The Search for Happiness

My issue with people leaving relationships because they are unhappy (or searching for happiness) is that often they don’t really know WHY they were unhappy. They stopped at the symptom, the feeling.

They knew they were “having problems”, and found themselves in a situation where they were unhappy for so long they believed the only way out was to leave the relationship.

They want to be happy again (after all, everyone “deserves” to be happy, life is too short to not be happy, blah blah blah). So they leave, in order to find that feeling again.

(Actually often they go in search of the feeling before leaving the relationships, having emotional and or physical affairs that provide the “feeling” of happiness, which only solidifies their belief that there was something wrong with the relationship they are/were in. But that’s a topic for another day.)

In any case, pursuit of a feeling leaves them looking for something they will likely never find.

Building Relationships

One of the big fallacies of relationships is that you just need to find the right person. I absolutely hate this thinking, because it absolves people of responsibility in relationships.

Oh, our relationship failed because he/she wasn’t the right person. I just need to find someone more compatible.

Sorry, that’s a load of crap. Don’t get me wrong, there is an element of compatibility involved in relationships (though I believe it’s a much smaller factor than most people would think).

But here’s the thing – relationships are a skill. And like any other skill, we can always improve the skill side of a relationship. No matter how bad (or good) your relationship is right now, it can get better.

And THAT should be good news.

The catch is, you need to be willing to work to develop that skill. And both parties need to be willing to do this.

It doesn’t necessarily have to be equal (no relationships are), but both people need to be trying. And if they are? Then ANY issue can be improved upon.

Notice I didn’t say fixed, some things can’t be fixed. But all problems can get better.

Believing Change Can Happen

Its really important to believe that all problems can get better, because sometimes a couple DOES look at why they are having issues, they start to understand the problems; and then they give up. They feel overwhelmed by the issues and take the attitude that they are “too big to fix”, or they can’t be changed because “this is just the way I am”. And as a result they don’t really try.

This approach of quitting without really trying is called Learned Helplessness, and unfortunately it is a common approach for people who struggle with conflict resolution, people with mental health issues, as well as people who just aren’t very happy.

It’s a belief that someone has no control over the situation they are in, so why bother trying. But it’s a broken thinking pattern, because people ALWAYS have control over their own choices and their own actions. As I said, ANY issue can be improved. But you have to be willing to put in the work.

learnedHelplessness

Going back to the “unhappy relationship”, this is almost always a question of conflict resolution. Problems can’t be ignored, avoidance never works. And you are NEVER helpless to make change.

It’s may seem easier at first to ignore things and avoid them, because dealing with things has an emotional cost. But avoidance is a short sighted approach, because nothing gets resolved and the long term emotional costs of trying to deal with things when they’ve hit a critical mass are always higher later.

Plus, even when you are “avoiding” issues, they are always there. These issues find ways to come out, normally through passive aggressive behavior by one or both parties, and that will only deepen the environment of hurt and resentment (making things worse).

The way out of this mess is through communication. REAL communication.

When people talk about communication being the key to successful relationships, they aren’t just referring to talking. Communication is about actually listening, trying to understand each other, and dealing with conflict in ways that are beneficial to the team.

If you aren’t actively working on making things better, then you aren’t really communicating.

CommunicationIssue

Happiness is Mostly About You

One thing I don’t like about this focus on happiness is, it’s an individual act. It’s a focus on what a relationship does (or doesn’t do) for YOU. While that is obviously important, I personally don’t think any relationship can thrive if that’s the focus.

Relationships should never just be about what one person is getting out of it. Both people’s needs and wants have to be respected and valued, even when they don’t completely match up. There has to be compromise.

For relationships to be successful the focus needs to shift from what the relationship does for me to what it does for us. It needs to be a partnership that is mutually beneficial; and where people are just as interested in what they can add to it as what they get out of it.

Communicating and building your relationships skills is difficult, because it can’t just be about you. It requires facing the mirror and accepting your own part in the relationship issues. It also requires truly letting go of past hurts and resentment in order to move forward.

But although these skills are difficult to build, they are the most important skills you will ever build in your lifetime. They are worth the effort, and worth the stumbles that will happen along the way.

In my mind, as long as both partners are showing consistent effort towards building them, and being conscious about sliding back into avoidance and passive aggressive behavior, ANY relationship can not only succeed, but thrive.

Built to Last?

Happiness is a feeling, and feelings come and go.

Healthy relationships on the other hand have a number of components to them; pleasure, joy, appreciation and contentment.

And importantly, an acceptance that negative emotions are normal, and that conflict is a natural and even needed part of trying to grow both individually and as a couple.

Sometimes happiness is missing, and that should be alright. Because if you can communicate, and resolve conflicts together without holding on to anger and resentment you will always find it again. In fact it’s working through these difficult times that ultimately brings a couple closer.

So when people leave a relationship because they aren’t happy, I think it’s a cop out. An excuse.

I understand leaving the relationship because you had communication issues and unresolved conflicts that were creating a toxic environment, and you reached a point that you gave up hope that things would ever improve.

I even understand leaving a relationship because you realized that addressing the issues was scary, and you weren’t prepared to do the work to make things better.

At least those reasons are honest.

They involve a level of self-awareness, and a realization that there is no magic wand or perfect person out there. That those issues will still come up again, and will need to be addressed in the future or they could happen again.

But simply saying it’s because you were unhappy without understanding why, and chasing that feeling? That simply sets you up to repeat the same mistakes again, and all but guarantees more unhappiness in your future.

meantToBe

3Jun2016

Are You and Your Partner Compatible?

Posted in Achievement, Appreciation, Commitment, Communication, Compatibility, Conflict, couples, Effort, Happiness, Hope, Life, Love, Marriage, Relationship Doubt, Relationship Help, Responsibility, Self-Improvement by zombiedrew2

I’m a big believer in marriage, and I’m pretty sure most people go into marriage with the belief that their marriage will succeed.

Yet roughly 50% or all first marriages fail.

And in the vast majority of divorces is North America (and presumably more of the world), the reason given for the divorce is irreconcilable differences.

So, what exactly are irreconcilable differences?

Yeah, the words tell you this means the couple has differences they can’t figure out, but what does that even mean?

I tried to find a good explanation for irreconcilable differences, and at this site (a divorce law site of course) I found the following:

What that this means is that you and your spouse’s basic fundamental differences make it impossible to stay married. For some couples, arguments over child discipline, politics, finances, or religion are severe enough to drive a permanent wedge in the marriage. Other couples may want a divorce because they fight a lot, have personality conflicts, or simply don’t trust each other. Whatever your differences with your spouse, they must be permanent enough that your marriage has become irretrievably broken.

So basically, at some point in time a couple comes to a determination that they aren’t compatible, and this incompatibility is significant enough that they can’t handle being together anymore.

How Does Compatibility Break Down?

You know, I’ve never gone to a wedding where the couple said things like “I’m looking forward to the start of our next few years together, until we realize our differences are so significant we have to hire lawyers to break down the life we will be building together.”

Guys supposedly aren’t very good at listening though, so that could be on me.

Realistically though, when a couple gets married they believe they are compatible. I’m pretty sure they know they have differences, but when they stand up there and pledge forever to each other, they believe they have what it takes to make it.

Yet almost 50% of marriages fail.

What the hell are we doing wrong?

How does compatible become irreconcilable?

I guess at least part of it is change.

People are constantly growing and evolving, so the couple who stands there and exchanges vows is likely quite a bit different from the couple who later find themselves dealing with divorce lawyers and legal fees.

They changed.

They may have believed they were compatible on the marriage day, but as the years went by they were no longer those same people.

Another problem could be they knew they had differences, but thought they could “get past” them. On the wedding day they figured those differences weren’t a problem, but over time they were proven wrong.

Thing is, people are different, and people change. Those two things are among the few constants in life. So unless we are willing to accept the idea that the institute of marriage is broken (and I’m not willing to accept that), we need to figure out how we can do a better job of accepting change, and find ways to stay happy together in spite of it.

Accepting Influence

A little over a year ago I wrote a post called Accepting Influence, and although my thoughts on it have changed a bit in the past year I think accepting influence is probably the most important thing you can do in order to have a successful relationship.

In fact, I think accepting influence is what relationships are really all about.

A marriage isn’t just a way of sharing living expenses, or having someone there to take care of you. A marriage is not just about having your needs fulfilled. In fact, it’s not about a “me”, and it’s not about a “you”.

It’s about an “us”.

When two people meet, it’s often some of their shared interests that bring them together. They have some things in common, and these common interests give them things to talk about and experiences to share.

When talking about compatibility it is often these common interests that are talked about.

Hey, we both like to travel, we both like similar foods, movies, music… whatever it is.

But no matter how similar you are, people also have differences. AND, they change over time.

Accepting influence is all about learning to navigate those differences, and expanding your world so that you start to care about things you normally wouldn’t have – BECAUSE they matter to your partner!

At a superficial level this can be things like activities and hobbies. You aren’t trying to become your partner, or force yourself into all aspects of their life. But you ARE trying to understand them, and have more common ground to share with them. Maybe to be able to hold a conversation with them about one of their passions, even if you don’t share it.

At a deeper level this is something as important as love languages. Couples don’t always share the same love languages – the things that make one person feel loved and valued don’t necessarily match their partners. But it’s important to try and understand what matters to your partner and give them what they need to feel loved – even (and perhaps especially) when it doesn’t match your own.

This is a form of accepting influence. Really, it’s about saying to your partner YOU matter to me. I care about you.

On the flip side, refusing to accept influence is kind of like saying “Sure I care about you and your needs – as long as they line up with mine”.

Relationships shouldn’t be just about your needs. You should derive happiness from seeing your partner happy and from contributing to that happiness, even when it doesn’t line up with something you personally need.

What if the happiness of your partner doesn’t matter to you? Well, if that’s the case you probably shouldn’t be in a relationship.

Building Compatibility

The reason given for most divorces is “irreconcilable differences”. Aka “we weren’t compatible anymore”.

However compatibility doesn’t just happen, it’s something you build into the relationship every day. Every time you accept influence from your partner by putting their needs at the same level as your own and trying to do things for them, you are building compatibility.

And every time you put me ahead of we, you are building in incompatibility. I’m not saying you should do everything together or never have time to yourself, as individual time and space is important to the health of a relationship. But the needs of your partner should always matter.

When people cite irreconcilable differences, I think what they are REALLY saying is “I was no longer willing to work with you and try to meet your needs. I was no longer willing to try and find a solution that works for both of us.”

Personal boundaries are good, and are a healthy part of relationships. When those personal boundaries collide however, often the inability to find a solution together is more a testament to one or both sides wanting things their way. To putting me before we.

Sure, they want to get to forever and they want the happy ending. But they want it on their terms, and aren’t willing to move their position to meet their partner and find a place where both people can be happy.

And if you are in a relationship for you? Then you’ve already failed.

Successful relationships aren’t about you, and they aren’t about me. In successful relationships there is a recognition that both you and me matter, and the only way to do that is by putting we first.

If requires communication, negotiation, and accepting influence.

I think it’s best summed up by a line in this article:

Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition.

We start with a certain degree of compatibility, but after that it doesn’t just happen on it’s own. It’s up to us to maintain it, and it’s up to us to build it.

So irreconcilable differences doesn’t mean there was an inherent problem with the couple. A lack of compatibility really means the couple couldn’t, or wouldn’t, build it in.

20May2016

Avoiding Life

Posted in Anxiety, Apathy, Avoidance, Blaming, Communication, Communication Issues, Conflict, couples, Effort, Emotional Intelligence, Happiness, Learned Helplessness, Life, Love, Marriage, Mental Health, Relationship Help, Self-Improvement by zombiedrew2

AvoidanceHeader

Over the last few years I’ve spent a lot of time trying to grow and improve as a person. I would like to think I understand certain things a bit better, but for the most part I haven’t really changed that much. There have been some changes I suppose, but they are largely small tweaks and refinements.

Really, the “new” me isn’t that different from the “old” me.

There is however one area where my outlook has changed considerably, and that’s in how I look at and approach conflict.

Conflict has become an area of interest for me, and it’s something I’ve written about in the past. A few years ago I viewed conflict as a bad thing. It was a sign that something was wrong. And that’s bad, right? Well, if that’s right then the absence of conflict must be a good thing.

That was how I viewed the world.

And that’s a viewpoint I’ve come to believe was completely wrong (like, totally and completely wrong).

You Aren’t Me And I’m Not You

Each person is an individual, with their own wants, needs and interests. And this uniqueness is a part of our beauty. However, because we have differences there are times our differences will collide.

My new(ish) viewpoint on conflict is that it is a natural and unavoidable part of any relationship. Conflict is simply the collision of our differences and can actually be a very positive thing; as the process of learning to accept each other and work together in spite of these differences (because let’s face it, they aren’t going away) is the key to a healthy relationship.

So although there can be issues in how we “deal” with conflict, conflict itself isn’t bad.

Problem? What Problem?

Currently I’m back in school, taking courses that will in theory help advance my career; and if not at least keep me somewhat current. And one of the courses I’m taking has a section on conflict.

Reading over the course materials, I came across the following:

Of all the issues that people tend to avoid, managing conflict ranks at the top of the list, along with public speaking and swimming with sharks.

Most people see conflict as indicative of a problem because disagreement feels uncomfortable and threatening.

When there’s no open conflict we can carry on as though things are all right even if, really, we know they aren’t.

It’s the last line that really stands out to me – open conflict is the key. If there is no open conflict we all can carry on as though things are alright even when we know they aren’t.

People can be kind of stupid at times. For whatever reason, sometimes we don’t see things that are right in front of our faces.

Sometimes its ignorance, or we misjudge the severity of something. Or maybe we simply lack the context to truly understand what we are seeing. For example I have a buddy that almost died from a heart attack a few years back, when he thought he had the flu. That stuff happens, and is largely understandable.

It’s a VERY different scenario though when there is a problem and we KNOW it. But we pretend it isn’t there. When we ACT as though things are fine as long as we aren’t talking about it, and it’s not out in the open.

That approach is very destructive, to everyone involved.

When to Deal with Issues?

Conflict isn’t fun, and I think it’s safe to say most people don’t want to deal with it.

Imagine you’re at home and you notice a drip in your bathroom faucet. Let’s imagine the progression of this problem faucet looks something like this (with some sort of time lapse between steps):

We see the faucet dripping for the first time.
We realize the faucet is still dripping over a period of time.
We notice the drip is getting worse.
Instead of a drip, we see that there is now a steady stream of water coming out of the faucet
We notice that the room underneath the bathroom has water stains in on the ceiling.
We notice that there is water streaming down the walls of our house.
Sections of the ceiling below start to crumble and collapse
We can no longer open the bathroom door, because the flow of water has gotten so strong that the water pressure is holding the door closed

Let’s face it, problems suck. However although we don’t want to, most of us recognize that there comes a point in time when we HAVE to deal with them.

WHERE we draw that line differs from person to person. For example, some people will get on an issue as soon as they see the first sign of trouble.

Personally, I would find that exhausting. I would rather wait a bit to determine if it was an actual (recurring) problem. If something happens once and then not again? Well, it might not be worth worrying about.

Thing is, when small problems aren’t addressed in time they have a tendency to grow into much larger issues. I would like to think though that most people wouldn’t allow the leaky faucet to get to step 8. Hopefully somewhere between step 2 and step 5, people will accept that there is an issue and be willing to put in whatever work is necessary to address it.

Avoidance

Unfortunately some don’t accept that issues need to be dealt with – ever. In fact some people will walk around their house in rubber boots with a diving mask and snorkel insisting that there’s no problem and everything is alright; as the faucets are pouring water and their house is rotting and crumbling around them.

In psychology this is known as Avoidance.

Psychology Dictionary defines avoidance as:

the practice or an instance of keeping away from particular situations, activities, environments, individuals, things, or subjects of thought because of either (a) the anticipated negative consequences of such or (b) the anticipated anxious or painful feelings associated with those things or events. Psychology explains avoidance in several ways: as a means of coping- as a response to fear or shame- and as a principal component in anxiety disorders.

Avoidant people are masters at pretending that things are fine, because as long as they don’t acknowledge a problem openly they can tell themselves everything is alright.

Thing is, avoidance brings with it a slew of problems. Stealing another section from my course materials:

There is one main reason to engage in conflict, and that’s to reach a resolution. Without resolution, conflict merely becomes an opportunity to recycle old arguments, disagreements and opinions: nothing moves forward, feelings get stirred up and reinforced.

By denying problems and refusing to deal with them avoidant people actually make things worse.

They allow small problems to grow, and ensure there is never a resolution. Nothing ever moves forward, and they end up stuck.

Misdirected Effort

One of my sons hates cleaning his room. And when I ask him to, it always turns into a big production. He talks about how he doesn’t want to, and how he thinks “it’s not that bad anyhow”. Then he complains about how much time and effort it would take to clean it.

Usually it turns into some sort of power struggle where he refuses, and I’m forced to come up with some sort of consequence for not doing it as a way of getting him to clean it.

When he finally gets to cleaning it, I’m always struck by the fact that he will have spent WAY more time arguing over and fighting against cleaning his room than it actually took him. He expends all this energy “refusing” to clean his room. And if he would just DO it, a lot less time and energy would be wasted.

He’s 9, and I’m optimistic/hopeful that this is just a stage he’ll grow out of.

In many ways, his behavior is similar to avoidance.

An avoidant person will expend a tremendous amount of effort ignoring a problem, pretending it’s not there, and refusing to deal with it.

And to a non-avoidant person faced with this, often it feels as though the issue at hand (whatever it is) is actually resolvable. And likely could have been easily resolved with considerably LESS effort than there seems to be spent ignoring the problem and maintaining a (broken) status quo.

It’s like they are trying to talk to someone while the other person is walking around with their hands over their ears chanting “la la la la la, not listening”.

Relationships with avoidant people can be difficult, because couples often get stuck with issues that often seem normal, or manageable. However because the avoidant partner won’t acknowledge the issue they are unable to move forward and improve.

So every leaky faucet has the potential to cause the whole relationship to crumble down around them.

And let’s face it, we all have leaky faucets.

Admitting to issues in your relationship is never easy, but if you don’t you can never, EVER resolve them. And you can never improve.

For any avoidant people, I ask you this – what is your goal? What is more important to you?

Is it more important to create the illusion of a perfect relationship and not have to deal with issues (even when you know that the issues are there)?

Or it is more important to have the best relationship you can?

A while back I read an article on couples counselors, and in it the counselors talked about how their ability to help a couple is often hampered because couples frequently come to them YEARS later than they should have. I suspect this is often due to avoidance, where a couple is refusing to deal with their faucets until the relationship is crumbling around them.

People can talk about priorities, but actions are much more important than words. So if someone “says” they want their relationship to be better but they refuse to work to improve it? Well, they are showing that they find the pain of a broken relationship to be less than the pain of trying to work on things. THAT shows true priority.

And if pretending things are good even when you know they are not is more important that improving, remember that if the rot sets in too deeply there will be no way to pretend any more.

Conflict comes from differences and differences are just part of who we are. Having a relationship with another person means there WILL be conflict. And accepting that conflict as normal allows you to deal with it proactively, and make your relationship the best it can be.

Strength in a relationship isn’t built through the absence of conflict, it’s built through encountering obstacles and getting through them together. So although we should never want conflict, we should always see it as an opportunity to improve on where we are.

A perfect relationship will never exist, no matter how much you pretend it does. But your relationship CAN always get stronger.

IF you accept that there are issues.

IF you accept that conflict is an opportunity for improvement.

And IF you are willing to face your issues and work on them.

If you can do those things? Then your relationship will never be perfect, but it will be as strong as you make it.

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