Category Archives: Communication

The Golden Rule

Posted in Communication, Communication Issues, Conflict, couples, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help, Relationships, Romance by

I’ve long had an interest in interpersonal relationships, and I spend a fair bit of time thinking, reading and writing on the topic. Interpersonal relationships are simply our interactions with other people, and a big part of that is how we treat others.

Have you ever thought about how you treat others? For me, one of my guiding principles was the golden rule. The wording I was taught was “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. Over the years this has been simplified, with the current wording being:

Golden rule

Treat others the way you want to be treated is another way of saying “Be kind to people and don’t treat them like crap”. That seems obvious. No one enjoys being on the receiving end of outburst of anger, or someone being cruel. So if you don’t enjoy it, it stands to reason that you shouldn’t treat other people that way.

But this rule only really applies at a high level. “I like it when someone is kind to me, therefore I should be kind to others” is obvious. But “I like onions therefore I should give you onions and expect you to appreciate it” doesn’t really work. Unfortunately, that is often exactly what we do. We take this “rule” too far, and do things for others that we enjoy. And then find ourselves shocked or disappointed when our efforts aren’t received the way we would expect.

People are different. We have different personalities and different interests. So it shouldn’t be shocking that what we want and need from each other may be different. Instead of treating others the way we want to be treated, we need to start focusing on treating others the way THEY want to be treated.

Love Languages

lovelanguages

Recently I read the “The 5 Love Languages – The Secret to Love that Lasts” by Gary Chapman, and it touches on this very idea. It’s a fairly short book (around 150 pages), and definitely worth a read, but I’ll give you a bit of a synopsis.

A while back I talked about a marital satisfaction bank account, and how the good times in our relationships act as a buffer against the bad times, allowing us to persevere when times are hard.

Dr. Chapman has a similar concept, but he calls it a “love tank”. According to him we all have love tanks, and when our relationships are in a good place these tanks are largely full. Personally I like the idea of marital satisfaction bank accounts better, but he’s the one selling books so I guess I’ll stick with his concept for now (mine’s cooler though).

We all want to feel loved and we all want to feel valued, and through years of being a counselor he felt there are five different ways couples express love to each other.

The Five Love Languages

Dr. Chapman called these different approaches to expressing love “The Five Love Languages”. They are pretty self-explanatory, but a brief overview is as follows:

  • Words of affirmation. This is when someone is open about telling you how much they care, and appreciate you. It can even just saying “I love you”
  • Acts of service. This is taking on tasks, or doing things for the other person
  • Quality time. This is about being together, but being fully present and in the moment with each other. Watching TV together probably doesn’t count, but talking, going for walks together and just “being” with each other does.
  • Gifts. This is… umm… giving gifts. Gifts can be anything from a day pass at the spa to coming home with flowers
  • Physical affection. This encompasses everything from hugging and holding hands to sex.

Primary Languages

Looking at the 5 love languages it seems safe to say that they are all different ways to express love. All of them seem valuable, and I would even argue needed in a relationship. We all need to *know* that we are loved, we all need to feel it. If you don’t feel loved in your relationship, it can lead to doubts, and it can cause things to start to break down.

We are all different though. Some people need more expressions of love while others need less. Beyond that though, what Dr. Chapman identified is that we each have our own “Primary” love language.

In counseling many couples, he found that often the couples seemed to be doing the right things. But although they were, one or both of them weren’t happy. They may not have been unhappy, but their “love tanks” weren’t full. In talking with the people individually he found that for some people, one love language is much more important and has greater impact on them then the others.

This is where the problem of the Golden Rule comes in. We tend to treat others the way that we want to be treated, and that applies to our expressions of love. But what happens when your preferred expression of love doesn’t match your partners? Well, then you have a recipe for a couple who may truly love each other, but still not be very happy.

Ask yourself how you show love to your partner. Do they just *know* you love them? If so, how? Look through the love languages and figure out which ways you actively show your partner love. If you aren’t actively doing any of them, I’ll make a guess that your relationship could use some attention.

Identify Each Others Love Languages

Instead of treating others the way we want to be treated, we need to treat others the way THEY want to be treated. And that requires a bit of self discovery.

In order to fully embrace your relationship, you need to understand your own love language. Take a look at the list above, and figure out what the most important languages are for you. There may be more than one that stands out, and that’s fine. But whatever stands out to you is the way that you like to have love expressed to you, and the way that you feel the most valued.

If you are struggling with figuring out your love language, one clue may be areas of conflict between you and your partner. The books states:

People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need

Once you have identified your primary love language, think about times that you haven’t had it expressed to you and how it made you feel.

Have your spouse do this exercise too, and then share your love languages. Maybe you already know them, and you have been speaking to each other in the right languages. But maybe you haven’t.

Choosing Love

One question that is addressed in the book is “what if my partners love language is one that is not natural to me”?

I’ve talked a lot in the past about how long term love is a choice. Some people don’t like that idea because it doesn’t seem to fit how love is portrayed in pop culture. Love is usually portrayed as all hormones and emotion.

But choosing love? Somehow that seems cold, and calculated, and not very romantic at all. Maybe it’s just me, but I think choosing love can be very romantic.

It’s easy to be in love when things are going well, or when it “works for you”. But a relationship involves two people. If your primary love languages aren’t matches then taking actions that you know will be meaningful and have greater impact for your partner shows a deeper love and commitment than just doing the things that are more natural to you. And if your partner knows that those aren’t natural expressions of love for you? Chances are they will appreciate it even more.

Taking another quote from the book:

The object of love is not getting something you want, but doing something for the well-being of the one you love.

I still think the Golden Rule is a good guideline in life. But it’s just a starting point. We are all different, and we all have different needs. For the people who you are closest to, and especially for you partner you need to go deeper. You need to take the time to understand them and their needs, and treat them the way they want to be treated. By doing that you show that THEY matter, and that you value them.

Depending on your own love language it may be a stretch at first, but your relationship will likely be happier for it.

Accountability Part 2 – Taking Ownership

Posted in Communication, Conflict, Happiness, Identity, Individuality, Life, Relationship Help, Relationships, Self-Improvement by

accountability_header

What is the one and only thing you have control over in your life? Your job? Nope. Your friends? Nope. Your kids? Uh, definitely nope.

The only thing you have control over is you. You control your actions and your decisions. You have the ability to “influence” other things and other people. But just as you make your choices, they make theirs. And trying to control anything else is a bad idea anyhow .

Likewise there are things that influence you and your decisions. Some things have greater influences than others. But ultimately you choose which influences you will allow to impact you, and you make the choices that lead to your decisions.

In part 1 I went over the Responsibility Process. It talked about consciously choosing to be responsible, and the mental process that happens as we move through various states from denial to consciously choosing responsibility. Choosing responsibility is only part of accountability however.

Accountability is about owning your life, your decisions and your actions. The only person who controls those is you.

For some people this idea is liberating, while for others it’s terrifying. It’s not always easy to make a decision, because what if you make the wrong choice? When you make a choice, you are responsible for the outcomes or consequences of that choice. That’s fine when things go well, but what about when they don’t? Having to “own” bad choices can be a very scary thing to face.

Because of this it’s easier to try and deflect the decision making on to someone else. Denial, Blame and Justification are all examples of deflecting decision making away from yourself. Another approach is to simply not make a decision. However NOT making a decision IS a decision. It is essentially the same as denial. The following quote sums this up beautifully:

Accountability_inaction

It’s important to understand that no one acts from a position of accountability all the time. All of us have moments that we try to deny, blame, justify, or act due to shame or a sense of obligation.

Periodically that is fine, but some people rarely hold themselves accountable. Instead their default mode of operating is denial, blame, justification, shame and obligation.

It seems obvious that these are negative modes of operation, so would anyone want to operate from these modes? I don’t believe anyone really “wants” to operate from any of these modes. Rather, these modes are primal responses to issues, and it is easy for your mind to accept them as acceptable responses.

Learned Helplessness

Have you ever heard of Learned Helplessness? There’s a lot of valuable literature on it, but in summary Learned Helplessness is when someone has lost the belief that they are able to change their situation. They actually CAN impact their situation, but due to a belief that they can’t, they don’t even try. This creates a self fulfilling prophecy, where the lack of belief leads to an inability to attempt change (or in some cases a half hearted attempt). But this inability to attempt change is the actual driver behind the lack of change.

Learned Helplessness often goes hand in hand with Victim Mentality. This is a learned trait where someone tends to:

  • Blame others for a situation that they have either created or contributed to. They don’t take responsibility for their own role in the situation
  • Assume the worst, incorrectly attributing negative intentions to other people
  • Compare themselves to others, believing that other people are happier than they are

Impacts on Mental Health?

Learned Helplessness and Victims Mentality can have serious consequences. People who exhibit these characteristics generally don’t hold themselves accountable for their actions and decisions. They also tend to have low levels of happiness. More alarming, there is a strong correlation between these and things like clinical depression and mental illness.

Thankfully, because these are learned mindsets they can be corrected. For many psychologists and counselors significant effort is spent trying to correct these negative mindsets and replace them with healthier ones.

Unfortunately studies show that these mindsets and the issues related to them are on the rise. I’ve seen numbers showing anywhere from a tenfold to a thirty-five fold increase in the last two generations.

Here is an interesting quote I found about this (in this case specifically on depression):

There is 10 times more major depression in people born after 1945 than in those born before. This clearly shows that the root cause of most depression is not a chemical imbalance. Human genes do not change that fast.

Let’s re-examine a few of these points:

  • There are significant increases in major/clinical depression and other mental illnesses or disorders. The speed of the increases suggests some sort of cultural or social cause
  • These conditions show a high correlation to characteristics like Learned Helplessness and Victims Mentality. Both of these are learned behaviors, characterized by low levels of happiness and personal accountability

Looking at this makes me wonder about the relationship between personal accountability and issues such as depression. Is it possible that not learning personal accountability predisposes you to future issues? If so, what are some of the societal changes that have led to this shift?

Culture Shift

One possible contributor is that we seem to have become a culture of blame and entitlement. We see this in the legal world, where frivolous lawsuits have become the norm. But we also see it in other aspects of life.

What’s that, little Suzie didn’t do well in school? Well it must be because she has a poor teacher. You aren’t getting the playing time for your sports team? It’s because the coach doesn’t like you. You don’t have a good job? It’s because of the economy. Your relationship fell apart? Well that’s because you and the other person just weren’t compatible.

Where is the sense of ownership? Where is the sense of pride in immersing yourself in something and knowing that your success or failure is largely under your own control?

Accountabilityandblame

Accepting Failure

One possible contributor to this shift is an unreasonable focus on results, or success. There is considerable pressure to “be the best”. One slogan I remember going around (at the Olympics no less) was:

Second place is just the first loser.

I’m all for improving yourself and trying to be the best that you can be, but there is just so much that is wrong with that slogan. It’s always good to have other people to measure yourself against, but what’s more important is how you are improving and growing personally.

One problem with this focus on success and being the best is that is has created a fear of failure. Failure may be disappointing, but it’s a good thing. Failure is the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. It is our reaction to failure that matters. Failure is how we learn.

Is everything going to go your way in life? You think you’re on the Earth and everything you want to happen to you is going to happen to you positively? The measure of who we are is how we react to something that doesn’t go our way. – Greg Popovich

Over Parenting

One additional item that I believe contributes to a lack of accountability is us, and how we parent. The world has changed. Kids no longer get out and play the way they once did. I think back on some of the things I did as a child, and based on today’s approach it’s amazing I’m still alive (and I’m not THAT old). I played, I fell, and I got hurt. A lot. But my cuts and bruises healed, and I got up to play another day.

With two working parents, busy schedules and a perception of a more dangerous world, you don’t see kids out in parks and playgrounds the way they once were. Today many kids are largely in scheduled events. When they are there at the playground at all usually parents are a few feet away, watching to ensure that no one kidnaps them and that their every bump and bruise is attended to. I’m as guilty of this as anyone else. Why do we do this? We do it out of love, and concern for our children.

But in the process we are crippling them. We are removing choice, and removing the ability to fail. They need to fail, they need to learn. With the best of intentions we are stunting their growth.

As hard as it is to do, sometimes if you love someone the best thing to do is sit back and let them make their own mistakes. Let them fail. Pick your moments though (something like learning to swim is perhaps not the best time).
Ask yourself this, when we try to do everything for your children what are we really teaching them?

Taking Ownership

One of the most influential people in my life was my Grandmother. One thing that sticks with me from her was a story she would tell. She admired her father greatly, and would often seek his opinion on things. When she asked him about something he would respond “I know what I think, but what do you think?” This has always resonated with me. If someone asks your opinion and you give advice on what you would do, you are taking ownership of their issue. Maybe a better approach is to coach them, and help guide them to find their own solutions.

Accountability

Catch yourself when you are in denial, blaming, justifying or acting out of shame or obligation. Take ownership of your own life. Accept that no matter what your situation and influences are, the only person who can control you is you. The right choice is not always the easy choice. But as a buddy of mine always says:

It’s never too late to make the right decision

Accountability Part 1 – Responsibility

Posted in Communication, Conflict, Happiness, Identity, Individuality, Life, Relationships, Self-Improvement by

Responsibility

When you think of someone who is “responsible”, what is the first thing that comes to mind? Often someone who is responsible is seen as someone who is stable, and has their stuff together. They have a decent job (that they have been able to hold), they have a plan, and they are dependable.

Sometimes being responsible is seen as the opposite of being a dreamer. Dreamers live for the moment, while responsible people live a few steps ahead, and are less likely to throw caution to the wind.
But is responsibility really just about stability, structure and planning? Can’t a dreamer also be responsible?

Responsibility Process

I recently came across an approach to looking at responsibility that makes a lot of sense to me. In it, responsibility is defined as a mental process, whereby you own your ability and power to create, choose, and attract.

The idea behind the responsibility process is that there are different stages of behaviors that can culminate in responsibility.

This process starts with Denial, and then moves to Blame, Justification, Shame, Obligation, and finally Responsibility. Each of these stages represents a mode of thinking, and I’m sure every single one of us has operated from each of these modes at one point in time or another (I know I have).

Life is easy when things are going well, and these behaviors usually arise in response to some form of problem or stresses.

The first three, denial, blame and justification are easy to explain. In these, rather than taking any sort of ownership we are deflecting the issue away from us. In denial there is no problem. In blame the problem is seen, but it’s not “my” problem, it’s someone else’s. And in justification I only partially accept that it’s my problem. I am saying that yes, it’s my problem – but there are a number of reasons as to “why” it happened (and these reasons somehow absolve me of any blame).

Arrow SIgns - Not My Fault Shifting Blame

Shame and obligation are where I think things get really interesting. According to the responsibility process, acting from a state of shame or obligation is almost worse than the previous three. This is because in the first three you are deflecting an issue away from yourself, while for these two you are taking partial ownership. With shame or obligation, you feel as though you are being compelled to do something by some external force. When this happens you are liable to build up resentment that you “have to” do something. Doing something from a state of shame or obligation is fine occasionally, but if it is a common state for you then are liable to give up or quit.

The responsibility process is explained as follows:

When something goes wrong large or small (for example, lost keys or a lost retirement account), The Responsibility Process kicks in. The mind offers Lay Blame as a reason. If you accept blame as a sufficient reason, then you will act on that blame. If you don’t accept it, then your mind offers you an excuse (Justify). And so on. Thus taking personal responsibility is a step-wise process of refusing to act on a series of irresponsible thoughts that your mind offers up.

The Responsibility Mindset

It’s easy to be responsible when things are going well, but this responsibility process is something that largely happens in times of stress, or when things have gone wrong. So how does one shift from operating from a state of shame or obligation to a state of responsibility? Basically it’s all about mindset.

In all aspects of life there are things we “have to do” even though we may not want to, and the attitude you bring into these things is very important. It’s very easy to approach these “have to” moments from a state of obligation, but as noted above doing so runs the risk of building up resentment.

The change in your mindset from obligation to responsibility is subtle, but it’s very important. In both cases you “have to do something”. But in obligation you have to do it because you are being forced to, or because you are trying to meet some sort of external expectations. With a mindset of responsibility these expectations have been internalized. It’s no longer because someone else expects you to do something, it’s because YOU expect yourself to do it. And you expect yourself to do it because you see it as required or believe it is the right thing to do at the time.

The early states of the responsibility process (denial, blame, justification, shame and obligation) are reactionary, almost primal responses. They are also very “me” focused; only seeing a situation in terms of how it affects you personally. Operating from responsibility is different in that it is a conscious decision. Operating from this state requires three things:

  1. Intention – Intending to respond from Responsibility when things go wrong.
  2. Awareness – Catching yourself in the mental states of Denial, Lay Blame, Justify, Shame, Obligation, and Quit.
  3. Confront – Facing yourself to see what is true that you can learn, correct, or improve

Being responsible is a conscious process. You “choose” to act and respond in a certain way. You may later find out that the decision you made wasn’t a good one, but owning that decision is an act of responsibility.

responsibility-the-ability-to-choose-your-response

The “Have To’s”

To illustrate the responsibility process, let’s walk through it with a simple example. Imagine you are a parent, and your child has filled their diaper:

Denial. You can always pretend that the diaper hasn’t been filled (and hope that someone else notices and changes your child for you). But the other person may do that too, and eventually the wonderful aroma will become too much to bear. More importantly, your child will be uncomfortable and crying will probably start (it could be yours or thiers).

Blame and Justification. You can blame your child for filling their diaper, but that won’t change anything. And you may try justifying things (I shouldn’t have to change him/her, I did it last time!!!), but what does that really accomplish? The child will still be uncomfortable, and still need to be changed.

Shame and Obligation. Here you decide that yes, you will change the diaper. But you don’t “want” to do it. You’re only doing it because you have to. Are you going to get resentful with your child? Some parents actually do, and over time this can lead to things like child abuse. But those cases are fairly extreme, and hopefully rare.

Responsibility. This is the natural course of action for your mind to take. You still probably don’t “want” to change the diaper. But you recognize that the diaper has been filled, the child is uncomfortable and incapable of changing themselves. Plus you care about your child and recognize that the diaper simply needs to be changed, so you do it.

In this scenario I suspect that most of us would automatically operate from a position of responsibility. In times of high stress we may slip back into some of the other stages temporarily, but we change the diaper anyhow because it is the right thing to do. It’s an easy choice.

Many of life’s “have to’s” fall into this category. Going to work every day? You don’t always want to and you may have days you are resentful. You may even have a few “sick” days that are actually mental health days. But going to work is something that we have to do.

Making Choices

The examples above are easy ones. But now consider something like your relationship.

What if your partner loves ballet while you don’t, and they periodically ask you to go with them? In a prior post I mentioned that it’s positive for your relationship if you can show some interest in their interests, as it’s a way for you to show interest and caring for them.

You may prefer that they find a friend with some interest in the ballet to go with, but there may be times that you “have to” go with them. What attitude do you bring into those times? If you attend the ballet out of a sense of obligation, you may go in expecting to hate it, and see it as wasted time where you could be doing something else that you enjoy more.

Perhaps a better (and more responsible) approach is to see it as an opportunity to share something with your partner that is special to them. In both cases you “had to” do something. But in one case you owned the decision to attend.

Choosing Responsibility

No one is always responsible. When faced with challenges and stresses the default is for us to respond with the lower level states – denial, blame, justification, shame and obligation. That’s normal, and common. And honestly, sometimes it’s a lot easier to stay in those states. But it’s also not healthy.

If you find that you are frequently angry or resentful, then think of this process. Think of something you are upset about, and ask yourself where you fall on this scale. Are you blaming? Justifying behavior that at least a part of you knows is wrong? Are you doing things due to shame or obligation? All of these things can lead to resentment, and anger. Which of course leads to hate, which leads to the dark side of the force (ummm, wrong movie)…

In seriousness though, resentment and anger are some of the most toxic emotions you can have. So being able to switch from a mindset of obligation to one of responsibility is very important to both your own health, and the health of your relationships.

I’m not suggesting that anyone should always have to do something. If you find that you are constantly doing things because you feel obligated to, ask yourself if you really “have to” do it. Can you simply say no? Don’t be afraid to set boundaries and say no sometimes. But if you truly “have to” do something then there’s a reason for it. Try approaching it from a framework of responsibility, and you will probably be happier and healthier for it in the long run.

Dealing with Conflict

Posted in Communication, Communication Issues, Conflict, couples, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help, Relationships by

tugofwar

Conflict. The very term can trigger somewhat of an anxiety response. So what exactly is it? When I look up a definition of conflict I see terms like the following:

Serious disagreement, clash, fight, battle, struggle, collision and incompatibility.

Wow, no wonder the thought of conflict can make us anxious – all those words make it seem antagonistic! But is that really what conflict is?

I think conflict in personal relationships simply means two people disagree on something. It may not even be a disagreement, and rather is one or both people feeling as though they are not being heard.

One thing about people is that we aren’t the same. In any interpersonal relationship there are different personalities and differences of opinion, and as a result we WILL have conflict. Why is this bad? It’s a natural part of interpersonal relationships, so why do we hide it and have a hard time dealing with it?

We have a hard time dealing with conflict because we have this notion that it is a bad thing, and because of that we don’t have positive ways of dealing with it.

Ask yourself truthfully, how do you deal with conflict and how did you learn the approach you take? It is one of the most important skills that we can have, but dealing with conflict also happens to be one of the things we do the worst job of. In fact many of us never develop the skills needed for dealing with conflict.

I’m pretty sure there are conflict resolution classes, but those are likely attended by people like negotiators and human resources managers (I’m guessing here, as I’m neither). Shouldn’t dealing with conflict be a fundamental skill? We all deal with it continually in our lives, so why don’t we learn it? Why isn’t it a part of the curriculum, right up there with Math and English?

Conflict Avoidance

One approach I’ve seen to conflict is avoiding it altogether. I suspect this stems from the belief that conflict is an indicator of problems, which is perceived as a bad thing. For perfectionists problems aren’t acceptable as they violate that perfection. Maintaining an outward appearance of perfection is important, so problems are ignored. After all, we ALL know that if you pretend that something isn’t there eventually it will just go away (that was sarcasm by the way, just in case you weren’t clear).

There are all sorts of issues with this approach. First, nothing is perfect. Problems will arise, but this is actually positive as they are how we learn and grow. By denying the existence of problems in your relationship you are actually stunting its growth. Getting issues out in the open and dealing with them is what allows you to improve and your relationships to thrive.

Additionally, if you hold everything in you don’t have a release valve. If you continually brush things under the carpet pretending they aren’t there, eventually that carpet gets really bumpy and it gets hard to even walk on. If things are never addressed, this becomes the perfect recipe for resentment (which is up there with jealousy as one of the most corrosive emotions to a relationship).

The Need to Win

On the opposite end of the spectrum are people who seem to enjoy conflict and see it as a competition or a battle of wills. For these people there is a need to “win”, and conflict becomes a power struggle that is more about dominance and control than the issue at hand. There’s one big problem with winning though. If you always need to win, in the long term you are going to lose.

Every relationship has a more dominant personality, and that personality tends to be the one who drive things. But there needs to be some balance. The less dominant person needs to feel engaged and feel like they are part of the team. They need to know they are being heard and their opinions are valued. If that doesn’t happen? Guess what, you’ve got another breeding ground for resentment – yay!!! The constant need to be right and control will end up driving the other person away.

Finding a Balance

Both avoidance and dominance are really about control, and both are equally damaging to relationships. To approach conflict in a healthy way you need to find some balance between these approaches. It’s difficult to say exactly what that balance should look like, and I find most people tend to lean one way or another.

Personally I lean towards avoidance. I tell myself that I just pick my battles and that I will fight for the things I really believe in. And that’s true. But I also I don’t do conflict very well. The good thing is I realize that, and know that it’s something I need to work on.

In his book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Dr. John Gottman states that the frequency with which people fight doesn’t say anything about their chances at marital success. What important is *how* they fight. So there must be better and worse ways of dealing conflict.

Finding A Better Way

In university I took Philosophy classes. A big part of Philosophy was trying to look at things logically, and objectively. We would look at different topics, often emotionally charged ones like abortion and the existence of God; and we would have to put our own feelings aside in order to present logical arguments both for and against something. It was a ton of fun, and really – who doesn’t love Epistemology?

I think the approach of trying to look at things analytically is positive (in most cases) and puts you in the best position to make decisions. There’s just one problem though…

We aren’t robots, and we do have emotions. And sometimes those emotions can override everything.

Emotional Flooding

Have you ever heard of emotional flooding? Here’s a description of it (from this site) in the context of conflict in a relationship:

Emotional flooding is the term given to the feelings of one partner who are so overwhelmed by their partner’s perceived negativity and their own reaction to it that they become swamped by dreadful and intense feelings.

Any person who is engaged in and experiencing emotional flooding cannot hear without distortion or respond with clarity in a dispassionate way. They find it hard to organize their thinking and they instead fall back on primitive reactions. They just want things to stop, or want to run or, sometimes, to strike back. They react and do not relate.

I think we have all experienced this feeling at one time or another, but it becomes a major issue when it happens with regularity. For many anxiety sufferers this sort of emotional flooding is a part of everyday life.

If someone is experiencing emotional flooding any sort of rational attempts at dealing with conflict are gone, and you run the risk of having things escalate. Because of this it is important to recognize when this is happening, as there is no point continuing a discussion.

Conflict Agreements

A few weeks back I attended a conference and went to a workshop on team building. One of the ideas presented was that many successful teams have formalized rules for handling conflict. I think this idea of a “conflict agreement” makes sense in any frequent interpersonal relationships (such as the one with your partner). The idea is that you come up with an agreed upon approach for handling conflict together.

For example, you may agree that you will always get all issues out in the open, but acknowledge that if things are escalating either of you can say something like “I know we need to discuss this, but I’m having a hard time dealing with this right now. Let’s stop here and pick this up later”. The key to making this work is that you have to have some rules about what “later” means. I recommend that you agree to pick things up in a few hours if possible, and never let anything go for more than 24 hours.

When approaching any sort of issues, remember to focus on the point. Your goal should be to get issues out in the open to try to improve mutual understanding and ensuring that you are heard. It is important to not make things personal and to be conscious of “how” you approach conflict.

I can’t speak for all relationships, but I suspect people will be more receptive to something like “when you did X, it made me feel Y” than “you are an inconsiderate jerk”. When John Gottman talked about “how” people fight, a big part of it was softening your approach and de-escalating. There is a significant difference between constructive criticism and plain old complaining.

When you are the person on the receiving end, remember that this isn’t (or shouldn’t be) an attack on you personally. It’s very easy to hear “you did something wrong” and interpret it as “you are a bad person”. Remember, it may have been hard enough for someone to raise an issue with you. Try not to perceive it as an attack, and instead treat conflict as an opportunity to learn and improve.

Continuous Improvement

Dealing with conflict is a skill like any other. It can be developed and improved over time, with practice. And guess what – you’re going to have plenty of opportunities to practice. If you claim that you don’t have conflict in your interpersonal relationships, there’s a pretty good chance you have a really lumpy carpet.

We need to stop thinking of conflict as a negative, and instead view it as a way of improving mutual understanding. When dealing with conflict remember the point. Think of what really matters and check your ego at the door. Be willing to compromise, and don’t keep score. And lastly, be willing to apologize and admit when you are wrong (guys, I know that last part can be hard).

The more you can improve your communication skills and deal with conflict in a positive manner, the healthier you relationships will be.

Relationships and Possession

Posted in Communication, Communication Issues, couples, Happiness, Love, Relationship Help, Relationships by

possessiveness

I read a fair number of relationship articles and blogs, and one thing that I see again and again is that women don’t like it when men become possessive. Um, yeah. That seems like it should be fairly obvious (women do this too, but men seem to be bigger jerks about it).

The word possession implies ownership, and no one likes to think of themselves as property. Plus when you hear stories about it, they are commonly accompanied by stories of someone trying to control the other person. That seems like bad news all around.

Then I got thinking, don’t we all kind of think of our partners as “ours”? We don’t necessarily think of them as our property, but think of some of the things you’ll see on cards:

ImYoursYourMine

I’m yours? You’re mine? Those terms are actually kind of creepy when you think about it. We use them as terms of endearment, and they need to go both ways. But it does seem like there’s a degree of ownership there.

Are Relationships Possessive?

So are committed relationships inherently possessive? I don’t think so. I believe they are built on commitment and trust (which go hand in hand). But this commitment and trust NEEDS to be mutual. For you to truly commit to someone you have to believe you can trust them, and you must also believe they are committed to you.

Fear

Have you ever thought about fear? Fear is largely a learned emotion. There are instances where fear is believed to be innate and related to perception (there’s a classic study with babies and “visual cliffs” that you can read about here). But by and large fear is a defense mechanism that develops when we experience things that we come to recognize as threats.

As we learn that things are threats, these threats elicit the fear response, accompanied by physiological changes such as increased heart rate, breathing and potentially shortness of breath. Here’s a Wikipedia link to it if you want to learn more (it’s pretty fascinating stuff when you think about it).

So fear is a good thing. It’s a rational response to a perceived threat, and is one of nature’s built in ways of protecting us.

Anxiety

Fear is rational, however it can also become irrational. When this happens it moves into the realm of phobias and anxiety. Everyone has their own phobias (spiders creep me out). Anxiety is more subversive though, because it is like the fear of fear. It’s irrational, but seems very rational to the person experiencing it.

I have plans to write more on Anxiety in the future, but for now I’ll just steal a somewhat amusing description from a book I read on it (paraphrasing as I don’t have the book handy).

Imagine you are on an African safari, and you are sleeping in a tent on the savannah. You hear a noise and wake up and you suddenly worry that it may be a lion, and you may be eaten by a lion. That is fear.

Now imagine you are sitting at a bar in New York. You hope to one day go on an African safari, and suddenly you find yourself experiencing the physiological fear responses because you believe that if you go you may be eaten by a lion. That is anxiety.

Anxiety is more complex than that and I don’t mean to downplay the seriousness of it. But generally anxiety is an irrational response to perceived threat, situation or even future situation.

Perceived Threat

Alright, so you may be wondering what the heck all of this has to do with relationships, commitment and possessiveness.

If you are in a truly loving, committed relationship with another person, then you are in a position of mutual trust and respect. When your partner is out you don’t even think about it as you trust them implicitly.

Fear is learned though, so if you have been hurt or betrayed by someone close to you before then it is a natural defense mechanism for you to experience fear if you perceive a threat to the relationship through your partners actions or behaviors.

When people start to feel threatened in relationships it can cause them to either pull away, or start to hold on too tight. Jealousy is fear that you are losing the relationship to someone else, and it can turn into control and possessiveness as someone is trying to hold on and try to regain some control over the relationship they feel they are losing.

Rational and Irrational Fear

When it is based on tangible evidence, Jealousy can be a rational fear response. There are all sorts of warning signs when a relationship has taken a negative turn, and you can usually “feel” the shift. You know something has changed. Counselors will often tell you to trust your instincts on these things, and that if you feel something is wrong you are probably right.

But what if it’s really an irrational fear response? People who are insecure or who have been hurt in the past are more likely to experience this. They are more likely to be hyper vigilant for any sign of threat to the relationship, and run the risk of perceiving threat when it’s not actually there.

Love and Trust

Jealousy can be a normal reaction to things, and I believe even the most emotionally secure of us have felt it at one point in time or another. But whether it’s rational or not, jealousy is still very corrosive to a relationship.

Relationships aren’t based on possession and control They are based on commitment and trust, and jealousy involves a breakdown of these. This is one of the many reasons communication is so important in relationships.

We all will do things to hurt our partners from time to time (hopefully inadvertently). But it’s important that we don’t let things fester and grow. We all have our own insecurities, and being honest and upfront about those insecurities is important. Get issues out in the open. If your partner understands the ways you have been hurt in the past then they may be more conscious of things that could be seen as threats by you.

One of the dangers of being hurt is that it can cause us to build up walls to “protect ourselves” from being hurt again. But those very walls that we build up are also likely to be the things that push people away from us. To truly love, you need to let those walls come down. It’s not easy, but you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable to being hurt again.

And you may be. Life has no guarantees. You may be hurt again, and love may break down. But possessive behavior won’t help anything. The simple fact is, you can’t control someone else and you can’t make them love you. The only one you have control over is yourself. There’s a line from a U2 song that says:

You can hold onto something so tight, you’ve already lost it

Being possessive and trying to control won’t help anything; it will just push someone further away. Try to operate from trust instead of fear. If you believe someone is violating that trust then communicate. It may just have been your own insecurities and irrational fear. And if it was a legitimate breach of trust, it may be a situation you are better off getting out of.

Setting Goals

Posted in Communication, couples, Happiness, Identity, Life, Love, Relationship Help, Relationships by

Goals

Have you ever seen the Pixar movie Up? It’s a great movie and in my opinion it was the last of the great Pixar films. Seriously, if you love movies look at the films Pixar released prior to that. Monsters Inc, Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, Cars, Ratatouille and WALL-E. These weren’t just “kids movies”. Sure they had cute colorful characters and funny moments; but they also dealt with serious topics and had a lot of heart.

Even from Pixar Up was unique. It was about an old man who is stubbornly holding on to his house, his last connection to a wife who died years ago. When he’s about to be evicted and sent to a seniors home he embarks on the adventure he had always dreamed of.

The opening sequence of the movie really stands out for me. In it you see two children meet due to a shared love of adventure. They fall in love, get married and start a life together with the dreams of the trip they will take. But “life” keeps getting in the way, and find that they are never able to achieve their dream together. I’ve seen Up a few times now, and that opening sequence still makes me cry like a baby. Laugh if you want, I don’t care. I’m secure in who I am. You can check out most of the opening sequence here. If that doesn’t move you in some way then sorry, you’re either a robot or an alien.

Part of the reason Up resonated with me is because of my own grandfather, and my memories of the last time I saw him. That night we sat in his kitchen talking about all sorts of things, and the topic of traveling came up. My grandfather was a very religious man, and he told me he had always dreamed of seeing Vatican City. I hadn’t known that, but honestly I didn’t know very much about him. It’s amazing how people can be part of our lives yet we can know so little about them. He was my grandfather and that was how I knew him. Sadly, I really didn’t know much about my grandfather the man.

At the time I didn’t know that would be the last day I ever saw him, but he passed away a few days later. That last conversation has stuck with me, and I can still picture how wistful he was that night for dreams never achieved and opportunities lost. There are always defining moments in your life that shape you, and that was one of mine.

Dreams

The capacity to dream is one of the things that differentiates humanity from other animals. It allows us to have science, art and culture.

Everyone has dreams. We all have things that we want to see, do, and accomplish; and a bucket list is really just a list of things that we want to do in our lifetime.

In the early days of a relationship, sharing of bucket lists is often part of the process of getting to know the other person and finding out if the two of you are a good fit. It helps build connection, as there is intimacy in opening ourselves up to another person and letting them in to our hopes and dreams. And when those hopes and dreams seem to align, it makes it easy to imagine a future with the other person. After all, you want the same things and are on the same path. So why not do it together?

Dreams vs Goals

There is a difference between dreams and goals though, and sharing similar dreams does not mean you have similar goals.

A friends marriage broke down a few years back, and when I talked to her about what had happened one of her biggest disappointments was she felt her husband had no ambition. When they first met they shared their hopes and dreams, and she had visions of the future they would share. But as the years went by she felt it was all talk, as he didn’t actually do anything or take any action to achieve those dreams.

I knew the guy fairly well, and he did have dreams. But it’s easy to have dreams, and it’s easy to have a bucket list. What isn’t easy is prioritizing those dreams and making them happen. Goals are based on dreams. The difference is that they are something you are actively working towards, and you have planned out a way to make them happen.

Goal-Setting-300x224

One thing many people don’t seem to understand about goals is that they don’t just happen on their own. They involve planning and sacrifice. In order to achieve something you generally have to give something else up. It may be time, money, or other opportunities, but you can’t have everything.

As an individual it is important that you have goals, as they show you have initiative. When you go for a job interview one of the most common questions interviewers ask is where you see yourself in 2-5 years. Often they don’t really care *what* your answer is. They are simply looking for proof that you have a vision for yourself and where you want to go.

Planning Together

In a relationship one of the most rewarding things you can do is not only sharing dreams, but sharing goals and working towards them together.

It’s very easy to get caught up in the daily routines of life, so it is important to have both long and short term goals (like the 2 & 5 year plans that interviewers ask) as both an individual and a couple to look forward to.

Is there a big trip you want to do? A house? Renovations on the existing place? Courses you want to take? As I mentioned earlier, you can’t have everything. All of this stuff involves a commitment of both time and money. You need to prioritize which ones are most important to you (both individually and as a couple) and come up with a plan on how you will go about achieving these goals.

If there are individual goals for you or your partner that are a priority it’s important that you support each other in those goals, because it’s just as important for each of you to grow as individuals as it is to grow as a couple. You should have periodic checkpoints where you talk about these goals and see how you are doing, or if there is anything you want to change.

Knowing that you are working towards both your individual and common goals together shows commitment to the future. It also helps build and strengthen the connection you share. And accomplishing goals together builds experiences that you can never take away.

Be Flexible

One reminder about goals is that life is unpredictable. An unexpected pregnancy, a lost job, a broken relationship. Any number of things can happen to you that can completely derail your long and short term plans. Life throws curveballs at you, and you need to adjust accordingly.

In the movie Up the couple never was able to make their trip together, and not achieving that dream filled the main character with a sense of loss. They had a photo album that they planned on filling with the pictures and memories of the trip they never took. Near the end of the movie there is a beautiful moment where the husband looks in the photo album and realizes his wife has filled it with pictures of their life. They didn’t have the adventure they expected, but their life together was their adventure.

My grandfather never made it to Vatican City, he never achieved that dream. At the end he had regrets about it, but what would he have traded? I honestly don’t know, but I would like to think nothing. I like to think he gave that up because he prioritized other things, and he was happy with the decisions he made in his life.

So set goals. Dream together and plan together. And no matter what life throws at you, do it together.

Communication Breakdown

Posted in Communication, Communication Issues, couples, Happiness, Love, Relationship Help, Relationships by

communicate1

Communication is universally regarded as one of the most important aspects of any relationship, and it is also seen as one of the best indicators of long term success.

If you look up quotes on communication in relationships it’s amazing how many you’ll find. Here is one of my favorites:

Communication is the fuel that keeps the fire of your relationship burning, without it your relationship goes cold – William Paisley

Inherently we all know how important communication is. Yet I commonly hear people talk about how they aren’t able to communicate with their spouse. Well actually that’s not true. We’re always communicating even when no words are spoken. It’s just that we often do it poorly. So the question becomes why do so many of us communicate so poorly? To understand that, we have to understand a bit more about what communication is.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary provides the following definition for communication:

the act or process of using words, sounds, signs, or behaviors to express or exchange information or to express your ideas, thoughts, feelings, etc., to someone else

When people think communication, verbal is often the first thing that comes to mind. As the definition indicates though, communication is any form of expression. It can also be written communication, body language, and touch.

In a relationship I think body language and touch are the most important forms of communication. Sometimes you can say more with a smile, a hug, or a squeeze of the hand than any words can convey. And as I discussed in my post on sex, intimacy (which doesn’t just mean sex) is a special form of communication specific to relationships. It’s the thing that separates that special someone in your life from just another friend.

The Perfect World

What does communication look like in a perfect world? I think this sums it up quite nicely:

LoveandTrust

You can tell the other person anything without fear of ridicule or embarrassment. You can talk about anything, good things and bad. You can deal with conflict points together without either of you getting defensive or critical, because you know that you are doing it for the betterment of the relationship. Communication used this way lets you promote understanding of each other, and help strengthen your connection.

For this to happen you need to be in a situation where you have allowed all your walls to come down, and you have let the other person in completely (or at least as much as possible); and they have done the same with you.

And Now for a Dose of Reality

Of course in a perfect world I could eat chocolate all day while having the body of an Olympic gymnast. I would speak 10 languages and spend my days travelling the world with my family; going from villa to villa on our private jet. And perhaps I would spend my weekends roaming the countryside on my pet unicorn while figuring out the cure to cancer and how to create world peace. But sadly, perfection doesn’t exist.

You see, people have feelings and emotions, and sometimes the things that need to be said aren’t easy to hear. Not just that, but how you say something is just as important as what you say.

There’s an oft cited study that found the actual words used in verbal communication only make 7% of the message. The remaining 93% of the message comes from the tone of voice and body language used when conveying the message. Recent studies have found that the spoken words are closer to 30%, but even with the new numbers it’s clear that tone and body language are still really important.

When it comes to relationships, the point is that you have to be careful how you communicate. If you have a sensitive issue you want to discuss, it’s best to try to figure out what you want to say and try to do it rationally. When emotions are running high it’s very easy for the actual meaning to get lost in the emotion. When someone is in attack mode, it’s just human nature for people to withdraw, or get defensive.

In his book “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, Dr. John Gottman says that conflict is normal, and couples will fight. One of his findings is that there is no correlation between how frequently a couple fights and their level of marital success. What does have a strong link to marital success is HOW they fight. He calls criticism (where you attack their character), contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” for relationships. It’s important to try and find a way to communicate while keeping those to a minimum.

Barriers to communication

Beyond worrying about how you communicate, you also have to be conscious about various things that act as barriers to communication.

One of the biggest barriers is that we all interpret things through the filters of our own expectations and experiences. I’ve talked about this a bit in a prior post.

There are also theories that women and men simply communicate differently. One of the most common differences is the way men and women approach issues. Supposedly men interrupt more, have a harder time expressing gratitude and apologizing. Men also try to “solve” things while women often just want to be heard. This last one is wonderfully illustrated in the short film It’s not about the nail (If you haven’t seen the video, check it out. Seriously, it’s priceless). I’m not sure I buy into most of the gender differences, but I can definitely relate to that one.

I think it’s fair to say that communication is one of, if not THE most important aspects of a relationship. But there are many things that can make communication difficult. Because of this, perhaps the most important thing that you can do as a couple is work on your communication strategies on a daily basis, always striving to improve them.

Different people have different ways to communicate. Learn to understand your own preferred method of communication, and learn your partners. Come up with a way of communicating with each other that works for both of you, and spend the rest of your lives making this a priority. Communication is the lifeblood of your relationship, and without it your relationship will be at risk.

Communication breakdown

In the early days of relationship, communication seems to come easy. In those early days, although you may be talking, you are really in the stage that you are still learning about each other. Eventually there will come a point in time when you know the other person well enough that there is nothing new to tell.

Let’s face it, most of life is routine. For many years you wake up and get ready for work. In most cases your job is largely the same day to day, so the stories of “what did you do today dear?” really don’t change much.

If you add children to the relationship, by the time your work day is done and the children are in bed one or both or you are often exhausted. Many couples find that a number of years go by where they have had very little time to be a couple, and that can take a toll.

I was talking to a friend a few months back who has two primary school aged children. Often their couple time was limited to a few hours here and there when the kids were at a party or something, and they would use that time to run errands or catch up on things on their to do list. One day he decided that instead of that, they would go on a date. No errands, and no talking about the kids. They went out for dinner, and he found they didn’t really know what to do, or how to talk to each other. Their lives had been built around being parents for so long that they had lost sight of how to be a couple.

I think this is a common problem, and it’s a transition many parents go through when their kids get old enough that they are no longer completely dependent on them. For many couples this is a very difficult transition. Even without kids, it is something that most couples will face eventually. There simply comes a point in time where you know each other so well there isn’t a lot to say.

Because of this, it’s important that you never get so caught up in the routines of day to day life that you stop being a couple. Make each other a priority in your lives, and never stop talking. It’s important that each of you has your own interests to give your relationship space to grow, but you should also try to find an activity that you can do together (preferably one that gets you out of the house), and ensure you make that a priority.

Over time, routine will always set in. But set goals together and ensure you are working towards those goals. Never stop talking to each other, and letting each other into your hearts and souls. Sometimes silence is beautiful and peaceful. Like those times when you are side by side, and no words are needed. When you can say more with a simple look, or a squeeze of the hand then words could ever convey. Other times, silence can be deafening and be the most painful feeling there is.

In the words of Robert Smith of The Cure:

Side by side in silence
They pass away the day
So comfortable, so habitual…
And so nothing left to say

And side by side in silence
Without a single word…

It’s the loudest sound
It’s the loudest sound…

It’s the loudest sound I ever heard

Let’s Talk about Sex (part 2)

Posted in Communication, couples, Happiness, Love, Relationship Help, Romance, Sex by

couple-bed-9

My last entry talked about sex and the benefits it has for relationships. A common problem couples run into is differing sex drives, which fluctuate over time. Your sex life is often a barometer of the overall health of your relationship. Sex is supposed to help build and maintain the bond between a couple, but it can also become an “issue” and a source of conflict in a relationship. In this entry I want to focus on when sex does become a source of conflict, and what you can do.

Types of Sex

First I want to look at two different types of sex. And no, I’m not talking about positions or anything like that. What I’m referring to is sex as just the physical act (or physical release) vs. sex as a form of communication and connection. Sometimes I’ve seen this distinction referred to as sex vs. making love. The act may be largely the same, but there is a difference emotionally and in terms of connection.

Last spring I was at the Zoo watching the monkeys (ah monkeys, they never cease to make me smile). Anyhow, a female monkey was walking along casually when another ran up and… um… shall we say “took her” from behind. Yeah it’s nature, but it was still a bit disconcerting to have it happen right in front of you. What I saw definitely wouldn’t have qualified as making love, or intimate sex. I have my doubts there was any connection there (especially when the female had no idea what was going on until it happened).

Something like a one night stand is really only the physical act. It’s not quite the same as the monkeys, but although it may feel passionate the only connection happening there is aided by hormones (and likely alcohol). Truly making love requires trust and openness, which can only really develop in a fairly committed relationship over time.

In a committed relationship there is place for both types of sex. Sex for physical release is fine, and can be great as a stress reliever. But it needs to be balanced with the more intimate form of sex or sex can become a source of resentment in a relationship.

What is the Real Problem?

Back to sexual issues in a relationship, one of the most important things to keep in mind is:

Sexual issues are rarely about sex

Sex is a form of communication. It’s a physical manifestation of the love, caring and compassion that you share for one another. If there are any underlying issues in your relationship, there’s a pretty good chance that there’s a bit of a breakdown in caring and compassion. When this happens the openness required for meaningful sex is likely missing (or at least somewhat hampered). You may or may not still be having sex, but without the emotional connection sex becomes purely the physical act.

If there is tension in the relationship, chances are you already know it. If that’s the case you probably shouldn’t be shocked if the sexual side of the relationship has broken down somewhat. Maybe, just maybe you would be better of focusing on the actual issues instead of the sexual ones. Even showing that you recognize that there are issues and you are interested in working on them can go a long way to restoring the closeness required for sex.

Lets imagine for a moment that your relationships IS in a good state. Maybe there are a few disagreements here and there, but there’s no real underlying tension. If this is the case, but you are still unhappy sexually then there are a few things to think about…

Intimacy vs. Sex

The first thing to do is ask yourself what sex really means to you. This is a personal question, and the answers will be different for everyone.

For instance, guys and girls seem to have some pretty different thoughts around sex. Here’s an awesome video illustrating some of these differences. Yeah, it’s an exaggeration (but it’s still pretty damn funny).

Where many people (mostly guys) get themselves in trouble is that they equate intimacy with sex. I’ve actually talked to buddies who use the words interchangeably, and I can tell from the context of the conversation that they REALLY don’t get that there’s a difference.

It’s possible to have sex with no intimacy at all, at which point it’s been reduced to the physical act. Sex the physical act is a biological urge. It’s a characteristic we share with any other animal (like the monkey from the zoo) It’s still pleasurable because of all the nerve endings and stuff, but it is not the same as sex in the context of intimacy.

So what is intimacy? I’m sure everyone has their own thought on it, but here’s my take:

Intimacy is about connection. It’s emotional, physical, and even spiritual. Sex is a form of intimacy, but it’s not intimacy. Intimacy is the little things – the touches, the smiles, and the shared looks. Intimacy is feeling loved, feeling valued, and giving that in return. Intimacy is opening up to each other, sharing hopes and dreams, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable with another person. Intimacy is about openness.

Sex in the context of intimacy is the deepest form of sharing a couple can have. You are literally giving yourself to your partner, and symbolically the two of you have joined as one. It needs to be as much about what you give as it is about what you receive.

Can you have intimacy without sex? Of course. I believe that most of your intimate contact is non-sexual. Hugging, holding hands, non-sexual touch. These little signs of affection are forms of communication and intimacy.

If your only intimate contact with your spouse results in sex, then you’ve probably got a problem. Can you have an intimate relationship without EVER having sex? Technically yes, but I would say no. Sex is a form of expression and it is an important part of an intimate relationship. It is a physical manifestation of love, caring and compassion. There may be medical reasons why it’s difficult. But short of that if you are in a long term relationship without intimate sex that’s probably a sign of underlying issues.

Sex in the Media

Another reason you may be unhappy sexually is unrealistic expectations.

Guys are the ones who supposedly have these crazy out of control sex drives, but look at the way sex is portrayed for women!!! Look at the cover of pretty much any “womens” magazine in the grocery aisle. Headlines like “20 positions to drive him wild”, “men’s sex secrets – can you handle the truth” and “sexier sex tonight” are all over the covers. Sexier sex tonight? Really? Who writes this stuff? And yes, those titles came from real magazine covers.

Look at many of the prime-time TV dramas, and most of them involve people falling in love (or lust) and having sex. If you watch a few seasons of many of these shows they are a case of musical beds. Pretty much everyone sleeps with everyone else at one point in time or another. Then there’s the whole romance novel genre that is geared towards female readers, where there is lust, intrigue and everyone always orgasms at the exact same time.

I understand that the entertainment industry is a form of escapism, but just as all the billboards of Victoria Secret type models aren’t positive for a woman’s sense of body image, the way sex is portrayed in the media will make most people feel they don’t measure up.

What is Normal?

A big question many people ask themselves is, what is normal? Am I normal? How does my sex life compare to everyone else’s? If you try comparing yourself to what you see in media (TV, movies, books, etc) you’re in for disappointment. I talked a bit about this in a prior post, but most people seem to believe that everyone else has a better situation than their own, so we feel like we are somehow lacking by comparison.

You can’t even trust the “experts”. If you do a web search, you will likely find sex therapists saying that most couples have sex once or twice a week. Some people probably look at that and think “oh man, twice a week? I would be happy with twice a month!!!” Others may think “twice a week? Yeah, maybe if we only see each other one day that week.”

Honestly there is no normal. How new is your relationship? How old are you? Do you have kids? If so, how old are the kids? What’s your job situation? How is your general health? There are countless factors that can influence your sex life. Trying to compare your sex life to someone else’s or trying to figure out if you are “normal” is an exercise in futility. All you are likely to do is make yourself even more self conscious and frustrated.

What’s really important is how happy are you with it. How happy is your spouse with it? Is it a source of conflict in your relationship? If it’s not a source of conflict, then it’s probably normal for you. If it is, how do you deal with it?

Communicate

If your sex life is a source of conflict, the best thing you can do is talk about it and get it out in the open. The taboo nature of sex makes it difficult to talk about it, and we need to get past that. If you are in a committed relationship with someone then this is one of many conversations you should be having.

If you’ve never talked about sex beyond “want to have it now?”, maybe it’s a good time to do so. Coming to a common understanding sexually is something that can only enhance your relationship. Try to be understanding of each other and don’t be critical or defensive.

Maybe your issue is just boredom with the same routines all the time. There’s a good chance each of you have fantasies, so share them. If you can’t share them with the person you are (hopefully) imagining acting them out with, who can you share them with? Everyone has boundaries on what they are comfortable with, but as long as something doesn’t cross those boundaries be willing to try anything at least once.

If nothing else, make time for your sexuality. If it is something you have let fall by the wayside, make it a priority again.

Nowhere else to turn

For the person with the lower sex drive, keep in mind that this is the one facet of a relationship your partner can’t share with anyone else.

If you aren’t interested in a movie your partner wants to see, no problem, you can go with a friend. But when it comes to sex? You can’t really call up a buddy and say “hey, my husband/wife doesn’t want to have sex with me tonight, so are you up for it?” Well I guess you could, but it probably wouldn’t be received very well. And it could make for some serious awkwardness if it is. Realistically, options are limited to the right hand, the left hand, or some form of battery powered device. In the long term none of those are overly appealing choices.

I’m a firm believer in marriage and in commitment. But long “dry spells” can put serious strain on a relationship. I don’t ever condone cheating, but sex is a basic need for most people and without it people can start to get restless. I don’t believe it’s possible to have a strong relationship unless there is at least some satisfaction for both sides sexually.

For the person with the higher sex drive, the worst thing you can do is make the other person feel guilty. If you guilt the other person into sex, this WILL backfire on you. The other person won’t be engaged, and you are laying the groundwork for resentment. Sex is supposed to build connection, not break it down.

Sex can be a great stress reliever, but it requires a feeling of connection up front. It can be difficult to feel “up to it” when someone is highly stressed. Ask yourself what you can do to reduce stress for your partner (and this shouldn’t just be done with sex as a hoped for outcome). Help out wherever you can.

Keep in mind that sex is only one form of intimacy. It’s important, but you should be able to enjoy all forms of intimacy in the relationship. Intimate contact doesn’t always have to result in sex, and if you are pushing for that you are probably building resentment about sex.

Finding a Balance

People have different sex drives, and they vary over time. In a long term relationship there will be times that are better than others.

Whether you are happy with your sex life or it has become a source of conflict in your relationship, it’s something you should talk about. Discuss your hopes and expectations. And be prepared to adjust them somewhat if there is a gap.

It’s not fair for the person with the higher sex drive to expect their partner to reciprocate whenever they want. But it’s also not fair for the person with the lower drive to expect sex to only happen when they want it.

Sex is supposed to enhance your relationship and both build and maintain connection. Try to be understanding of each other, as a satisfied sex life will make the relationship better for both partners.

Let’s Talk about Sex (part 1)

Posted in Communication, couples, Happiness, Love, Relationship Help, Romance, Sex by

Couple_in_bed

Sex is often THE big elephant in the room when it comes to long term relationships. It’s something that is in reality a very small part of a relationship (at least in terms of time spent), but it’s importance to the relationship bond cannot be overstated. Sex is easy in the early stage of a relationship when everything is new and exciting. As the years go by though, even in strong relationships the frequency usually decreases noticeably. Add any sort of issues or tension to the relationship and sex is often the first thing to go.

Here’s an interesting quote from Dr. Phil:

If you have a good sexual relationship, it registers about ten percent on the “important scale”. If you do not have a good sexual relationship, that registers about ninety percent on the “important scale”.

What constitutes a “good sexual relationship” is definitely a matter of debate, but if nothing else it’s safe to say that the idea behind that statement is correct. If you are feeling satisfied sexually then sex really isn’t an issue for you. But if you aren’t? Well, sexual issues can take on a life of their own.

A barometer of heath

Why do we enter into relationships in the first place? The stereotype on guys is that all they are really looking for is sex, and I’ll be the first to argue that relationships are about so much more than that. They are about emotional fulfillment, a desire to both give and receive love, acceptance and a sense of belonging. They are also about commitment, and building towards the future.

But at the same time yeah, relationships are about sexual fulfillment (which is actually different from sex, but I’ll get to that later). Although it’s only a part of a relationship I think everyone has an unspoken expectation that when they commit to a lifetime together, sex will be part of the deal.

Lets face it, physical attraction is part of what draws us together in the first place. When we first meet a potential “someone” and we are trying to determine if there is an emotional connection and if it will go anywhere, there is at least a part of us that is imaging and anticipating the physical one. This *could* just be a guy thing, but I don’t think so.

The quality of a couples sex life is actually a barometer for the overall health of the relationship. If you are happy with the quality of your sex life there’s a pretty good chance that you are also happy with your overall relationship.

Purpose of Sex

Sexual attraction is part of what draws us together, but what is the purpose of sex? Yes it’s needed for procreation, but that’s not the only purpose it serves. Why do we want it?

The easy answer is that it feels good (or at least it should). In a loving, committed relationship it also provides additional value, both to your own personal health and the health of your relationship.

For your relationship sex is important for both building and maintaining connection. This is actually hormonal, as sex causes the release of oxytocin (sometimes known as the “love hormone”). You know that relaxed sense of contentment after sex? That’s largely due to oxytocin. It can help with feelings of contentment and calmness while decreasing anxiety and protecting against stress. It’s also been found to help facilitate feelings of trust and attachment between people (Incidentally, all gestures of affection help with this too).

Beyond helping maintain connection, many researchers have found links between sex and other areas of health. Here are a few of the links that have been found:

  • Lower blood pressure
  • Mental health. Sex can reduce stress and help fight depression and anxiety
  • Self esteem. Supposedly it boosts self esteem and confidence
  • Pain relief. Headaches are a common clichéd excuse to avoid sex, but the hormones released can relieve pain
  • Bladder control. This one is more for women than men, but sex involves the muscles used in kegels
  • Sounder sleep. The same endorphins that reduce stress can help give you a better sleep

Some of these health claims seem a bit dubious to me. They make me wonder if it’s actually the sex that contributes to making people healthy, or if it’s just that people who are healthier tend to have more sex.

But hey, it feels good and it’s good for building and maintaining connection in your relationship – that much is fact! So if it happens to contribute to health at the same time, great. All the more reason to try and be a bit more active in the bedroom (or living room, or kitchen. Heck, even the pantry – whatever works for you), right?

Well, in spite of all the positives that sex brings to a relationship it can also be a great source of conflict.

Different Drives

One of the first potential problems is that everyone’s drive is different. Men *usually* have a higher drive than women, and most of this entry is written from that perspective. I recognize that’s not always the case though, so feel free to flip the narrative if applicable.

In a perfect world a couple’s sex drive is in sync, but perfection doesn’t exist. Even if you did find someone where your drive is very close, the next problem becomes that drive is not a constant. It’s going to fluctuate over time, and the odds of it fluctuating in the same way for a couple is pretty much non-existent.

So differences in drive are normal and to be expected. But beyond the normal fluctuations between people, there are additional things that can exacerbate this difference.

Things that “get in the way”

There are many factors that can impact sex-drive, and many of these factors seem to impact women more than they impact men.

Stress, anxiety and depression are things that can negatively impact drive, and stats show that women are 3 times as likely to be diagnosed as having issues with anxiety and depression.

Body image is also a big thing that can impact drive in both women and men. It’s hard to have sex with all your clothes on (plus it’s really not all that satisfying). If you aren’t at least somewhat happy with your own body it can be pretty difficult to be naked with someone.

Media images of Victoria Secret type bodies on actresses and models give women a very unrealistic standard to compare themselves to, and this contributes to body image issues. But to all the ladies out there, when you are obsessing over the need to lose an extra 5 or 10 lbs your guy is often pretty confused as to where it is supposed to come from or they simply don’t see why you need to lose it. I’m pretty sure your guy thinks you look great the way you are.

Guys have often been thought of as being less affected by body image issues, but studies have shown that this is increasingly becoming an issue for men as well.

Related to body image issues is child birth, which can affect women both in terms of both hormone levels and body image. The transition from woman to “mother” can often make it difficult for women to feel sexy again.

Sex drive is related to hormones, so even something like a womans monthly menstrual cycle affect drive, as it can send hormone levels all over the map.

Basically, it doesn’t matter what your drive is like. Because it’s not a constant and there are all sorts of factors that can impact it.

Causing additional stress on the relationship

If you’ve been in a relationship for any length of time, I’m sure you’ve had days where one of you has “wanted it” and the other one hasn’t. That’s normal. When it becomes a consistent pattern though, then it becomes a problem.

For the person with the higher drive, chances are they are feeling hurt. They feel rejected, and it can start to impact self image and self esteem. Does my spouse not find me attractive anymore? Do they not love me anymore? This can cause resentment, and a feeling their spouse is holding out on them and using sex as a means of manipulation or a weapon. They may also feel as though their needs don’t matter.

For the person with the lower drive, chances are they are also feeling hurt. In their case though they feel pressure. Instead of sex being this special activity that they share with their spouse, it starts to feel like a duty, or work. It’s something they “have to do”. Resentment will start to build here too, as they can feel like they aren’t valued and they are only wanted for sex.

Problems in your sex life can start to damage the overall relationship. And over time, this one act that can bring so much pleasure and closeness to a relationship can also threaten to tear it apart.

So how do we deal with this? Stay tuned for part 2…

It’s Time for a Check Up!!!

Posted in Communication, Communication Issues, Happiness, Marriage, Relationships by

When it comes to going to see the doctor, what kind of person are you? Some people go see the doctor every time they sneeze. Others go for regular check-ups. And then there are others who will only go long after they should have. Think the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail – “it’s just a flesh wound” (ah, that scene NEVER gets old for me). People are all over the spectrum with how often they see a doctor. Personally, I’m not quite at the black knight level, but I know I don’t go as often as I should.

Why do people go for check-ups? Well, as the saying goes “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”. Kind of like my buddy who had the heart attack. Had he gone to the doctor when he first experiences symptoms, he might have been able to prevent the heart attack. Or at least reduce the pain involved in having it. The prescribed “regular checkups” are really just checkpoints on your overall health. They are a way for doctors to see how you are doing year after year, and check if there are any signs of trouble on the horizon.

Checkpoints

We see these checkpoints at a number of spots in life. Most jobs do yearly performance reviews. These are really ways of checking in to see how we are doing. Ways to examine what we are doing well, and what we can improve upon.

Financial people often recommend that we meet with them annually or bi-annually, to see both how we are currently doing as well as to find out if anything in our lives has changed that would affect what we should do moving forward.

In the business world, projects often have a phase called “lessons learned”. The idea in the lessons learned phase is that we look at what worked, and what didn’t in a project. That way if we ever undertake a similar task, we can try to build on our experiences and avoid making the same mistake again. So we can improve for next time.

Heck, in some ways that’s what New Year’s Resolutions are about. The New Year becomes a checkpoint for setting goals that we want to accomplish in the coming year.

The Golf Ball Game

Recently I went to a business conference on problem solving and continuous improvement. We opened the conference by breaking into teams of 10-15, and playing a game. In the game each team received a bucket of golf balls. We had to see how many points we could score, and to score a point we had to follow a few basic rules. We scored one point for each golf ball that passed through the team. The rules were:

  • Each member of the team must touch the ball at least once
  • You are not allowed to pass the ball to the person directly next to you
  • The last person in the team must pass the ball to the first person on the team to complete a circuit
  • The ball must be airborne during each pass

We were given 2 minutes to come up with a plan and 2 minutes to try out our plan, after which each team then gave the convener their scores. We then had 2 minutes to revise our plan, 2 mins to try out the new plan, and provide score updates. I think we repeated this process 2 more times (for a total of 4 attempts). The first time we did this, I think we passed 16 balls around the group. By the last pass, we were around 200.

For all the groups at the conference, our initial plans didn’t look anything like the ones we came up with on the fourth attempt. Our process evolved, and was different every time. Thing is, there were a number of things we were changing as we went. We changed the way we organized the people in our group. We changed the way we handed off the balls. We changed the way we kept track of our counts. And we changed the number of balls we held in our hands for each pass.

It was a really fun exercise, and the convener used it to illustrate a few points. One was that if you just keep doing something the same way, you won’t see change. You may see some marginal efficiency improvements, but that’s it. If our group came up with a plan and kept trying it, we may have gone from 16-25. For significant changes, sometimes you need to re-examine every part of what you are doing, and be willing to try different things. But you can’t do that unless you take the time out to discuss what you are doing among the team.

That’s how we opened the conference. The rest of the day we talked about all sorts of problem solving techniques. I won’t dwell on details, but here were some highlights for me:

  • There are multiple approaches to doing things. Just because you have “always done something this way” that doesn’t mean it’s the best way.
  • If your current approach isn’t working, try a new one.
  • Don’t continue down the same path repeatedly expecting different results.
  • Sometimes stronger personalities have a way of driving things, but all members of a team can provide value so it’s important to find ways for everyone’s voices to be heard.
  • When dealing with problems, it can be overwhelming and sometimes not possible to deal with the whole thing at once. If you can find ways to break up problems into smaller pieces, and then focus on one piece at a time, problems become much more manageable.
  • In a team setting, communication is very important. One of the best things you can do is have continuous checkpoints to see how things are going, and evaluate if the approach you are taking is working/makes sense or if you should try something different.

Continuous Improvement

One of the key topics of the conference was how we should always strive for continuous improvement. Alright, I know it was a business conference. But hey, I like to write about relationships, and I’m kinda neurotic about this stuff. So of course I started connecting this back to the realm of life, and love.

Isn’t continuous improvement a great goal to have in everything in life? It doesn’t matter what you are doing – shouldn’t you always want to improve? Should we ever really say “ah, that’s good enough” if we know something can be better?

If you enjoy golf, aren’t you always trying to improve your game in order to have a better score. Even if it’s just casual fun, there’s satisfaction in seeing improvement. If you enjoy cooking, isn’t there value in trying new things. You may try some recipes and end up hating them. But you might love the next one. Look at parenting. For the sake of your kids as well as your own sanity, there’s value in learning different approaches and techniques that you can use. Heck, even if it’s something you hate (say, scrubbing toilets) – getting better or at least more efficient at it means you can get it done faster.

If you’ve ever heard of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs isn’t that what self actualization is about? Being the best person that you can be? I’m not content with just being a good toilet scrubber – I want to be the best toilet scrubber I can be!!!

Improvement in Relationships

The goal of continuous improvement also applies in relationships, and it shouldn’t even matter what state your relationship is in. Some relationships need a lot of work. Others don’t really seem like they need work, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be better.

If you are truly committed to someone, shouldn’t you want to have the best life together possible? If there are things you can do to improve the relationship, then you are making life better for both you and your spouse. And all the same points from the above apply.

A buddy and I once joked that relationships should have the equivalent of checkpoints or performance reviews, where you have an opportunity reflect on how you are doing and set some goals together. I actually think that it’s a great idea, I’m just not sure how exactly you go about doing it. When the idea came up, we talked about it being something you do on your anniversary. The point that was made in the conference was that once a year isn’t enough. For continuous improvement, this should be part of your everyday life. If you see areas you can change and improve, do it. Don’t wait.

Making Changes

Some of the biggest areas for conflict in relationships are how you spend time together, splitting of household duties, parenting, sexuality and finances. As a couple, take a look at those areas and talk about them. In every area there are probably things that you think you are doing well, and other things you think you could improve on.

Pick a topic (splitting of household duties for example), and individually put together a list of the things you think you are doing well, and the areas you can improve. Then compare notes. Doing it individually and then sharing prevents the more dominant personality from saying things like “Yeah, of course we are doing a great job of splitting household chores. Now hurry up and finish vacuuming – you’re blocking the TV”, while the less dominant personality says “yes dear”. By comparing notes both voices can be heard. Ideally you both see the same strengths and weaknesses, but you may also find that some of the things you think are going well are things your spouse thinks you can improve on. Isn’t that good to get out in the open?

For things that you want to improve on, try different things. Try something for a while, and if it’s still not working try something new. Don’t be scared of change. Just because you’ve always done something a certain way, doesn’t mean you have to continue doing it that way. Let’s face it, even if something used to work, if it’s no longer working you can’t hold onto it.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results – Albert Einstein

If your relationship is in a fairly distressed state, then sometimes the issues can seem overwhelming. By focusing on one item and trying to make improvements to that first, you can make gradual changes to your relationship. Start with something small and manageable – not the major conflict points. Dealing with the smaller issues can increase the overall satisfaction in the relationship, while showing that larger changes can be successful.

People Change

One thing that’s easy to lose sight of is people change, and situations change. I’m not the same person I was 20 years ago. Why would I expect my wife to be? For any long term relationship, you need to be willing to grow together, and re-learn each other again and again as the years go by. And hopefully you continue to fall in love with each other again and again as you both change.

Here’s a scenario from my life (which shows that yeah, guys can be dumb). When my wife and I started a family, my wife stayed home with the kids. We came up with a way of dividing the household chores that seemed to make sense for us. After a number of years, my kids were in school full time and my wife started working again. But guess what? For a while, I expected our division of labor to continue as it had. It wasn’t a conscious expectation, but I was set in my habits of the chores that I had been doing for the past few years. I didn’t take into account that suddenly my wife had less time available, but for some reason I was expecting her to do all the things that she had been doing before. Our situation had changed, so we needed to change our approach. These sorts of things happen all the time.

Communication is Key

It doesn’t matter how good or bad your relationship is at the moment, there is always room for it to get better. Perfection doesn’t exist, but continuous improvement is a goal we should all be striving towards. To do that, you have to be committed to your spouse and your relationship, and be willing to communicate. Increasing your understanding of each other and being willing to put your spouse’s needs at the same level as your own is key to a lifetime of happiness.