Till death do us part?

Posted in Communication Issues, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Relationships by zombiedrew2

In a post about marriage, I mentioned that I see marriage as a way of symbolizing the commitment between two people.

I’m a big proponent of marriage. I love the notion of knowing that you want to share your life with someone, and that no matter what life throws at you, you will always be there to support the other person and that you in turn can count on them to support you. This sense of commitment is at the heart of what allows you to be more than just two individuals. So what exactly is commitment?

People buy starter cars, and starter houses. But I would like to think that everyone goes into their marriage with the hope and the expectation that it will last. I’m not sure about all cultures, but part of the marriage ceremony is usually reciting vows that represent an affirmation of the love and commitment the couple has for each other. The vows are usually something like:

In sickness and in health,
in good times and in bad,
till death do us part.

Those are some pretty significant words, and in the excitement of the moment people probably don’t really think about what they are agreeing to. Lets take a look at those lines:

In sickness and in health. This one seems easy enough, though some sicknesses can take a big emotional toll on people and relationships. Even still, most would agree that walking out of your marriage because your spouse is sick is pretty despicable (things like alcoholism and mental illness complicate this a bit).

In good times and in bad. This is a real tough one, and really illustrates to me that the marriage has to become about more than just two people. Let’s face it, you ARE going to have bad times. You are going to have times that you hurt each other, and times that you really don’t like each other. At those times love can seem tenuous, and it’s at those times that your commitment to one another will be tested the most.

Till death do us part. It may seem silly, but to me this is the dream. To know that it doesn’t matter what life throws at you, nothing will be able to get between you and keep you apart. Until you get to those bad times though, you don’t realize that the level of commitment required to make that happen is staggering.

Let’s say most people get married between 25 and 35, and the average life expectancy for men is around 80. That’s around 50 years for a marriage to stay together in order to hit “till death do us part”. People change, so that commitment needs to be there.

The Grass is Greener?

A while back I went for lunch with a female friend of mine who has been married for a number of years (probably 7 or 8). As we were talking, it came up that she’s a bit unsure about their future. She told me she loves him, but she’s spent time wondering if this was it, if this was as good as it got. She wonders if maybe there was someone else out there who she could be happier with.

It didn’t sound like she was overly dissatisfied, and she made it clear to me that she wasn’t looking for anyone else. But at the same time, she wondered. And from talking with some of her girlfriends, she found that she had other friends who were thinking through the same things. She told me that she was open with her husband about her misgivings, and it frustrated him (well, yeah!!!).

I have to admit, I was shocked. Here was someone I had known for years, who I’ve always believed had a good head on her shoulders. But the way she was talking she had some ambivalence towards her marriage.

Now I don’t know her husband well, but I’ve met the guy a few times. And between my impressions and the things she would tell me about him he seems like a pretty good guy. So of course I started to look at it the way most guys do – as a problem that maybe can be fixed.

I asked her some questions. Were there issues between them? No, not really. Was there anything wrong with him? Again, no. She couldn’t really articulate what was missing, she just had this sense that maybe there was something more out there.

Off to the gym…

Thinking of that conversation made me think of the gym. Bear with me a moment and hopefully this will make sense…

Have you ever had a gym membership? If not, have you ever bought a piece of exercise equipment for your home (same ideas apply)? Many people get a membership and at first they use it quite regularly. But after a while the novelty of going to the gym wears off and it’s not used as frequently. Things like work, kids, or just life in general start to get in the way. It gets harder to make it to the gym, and it seems like there just isn’t enough time.

After a while, people realize that they’re barely using the membership. They may look at it occasionally and feel guilty, knowing they *should* be using it. Once they’ve gotten out of the habit of using it, it becomes hard to motivate yourself to get back. Periodically they will make use of it, but once they’ve let it drop in priority the same effort isn’t there. They may still use it, but they are just kind of going through the motions.

Some people hold onto the membership anyhow, telling themselves that they will get back one of these days. Others realize that they won’t get back, and they cancel the membership.

Believe me, if you attend a gym regularly you see this cycle play out frequently. After a while you get to know who the regulars are and who the drop-ins are. Usually at new years the gym will get a rash of new people, but within a few weeks the numbers start to drop. Some drop quickly, others last a bit longer. In fairness, some do to stick it out and become new regulars.

The exact same thing happens in relationships. The success of a relationship really comes down to commitment. What you get out of a relationship is completely dependent on what you put into it.

You only get out what you put in

Thinking of the traditional marriage vows (listed above), I realize that they are missing something important. They really just talk about staying in the marriage under all circumstances (sickness, health, good times and bad), and that is part of it. But is commitment really just about staying in the marriage? Just because you haven’t physically left a marriage, does that mean you have kept your vows? No. Just like going to the gym and going through the motions won’t help you get stronger or lose weight, staying in a marriage doesn’t mean you are committed. Commitment is about what you put in.

Take a look at this:

I love this concept of a “Marriage Box”, and to me it sums up everything about what it means to be committed to a marriage. I used to think the commitment was only about a refusal to give up. But the more I look at it I realize that commitment is not just about what it takes for someone to walk away from something, but it’s about what someone is willing to put in. It’s about not just worrying about yourself, but also dedicating yourself to you spouses welfare and happiness.

Self fulfilling prophecy

In the book “Love is Never Enough”, Dr. Beck gives examples of some of the couples he’s worked with. In one of the examples (starting on pg 221 if you’re interested) he describes a woman who had a negative image of relationships from her parents. She married, but for fear of getting hurt she never truly committed herself to the marriage. She held back, and was constantly looking for flaws in her husband as these gave her rationalizations for not fully committing herself to the marriage.

The problem is, by not fully committing she also caused considerable tension in the relationship. Her efforts to protect herself from potentially being hurt put her on the path to destroying the very relationship that she was scared of being hurt by.

Thinking of my friend, I wonder if there is something similar happening. Has she really committed herself to the relationship she has with her husband? I don’t know her situation, but she could take the time she spends thinking about what “could be out there” and focus it on making her relationship the best it can be.

The example from the book does seem to have a happy ending though, and I think it’s one we can all learn from. As the wife started to focus on the positives in her marriage she was able to commit herself to it more. As she gave more of herself, she ended up receiving more in return as her husband was more loving and attentive. Her relationship strengthened, and she found that as she put more of her heart into it, her relationship became more fulfilling.

The power of positive thinking

If you read my post on happiness, you know that I’m a big believer in the power of positive thinking, and I believe that it’s a key to happiness. Focusing on what you have instead of what’s missing will give you a greater appreciation of the things you do have.

When it comes to relationships I can guarantee that for anyone, in any relationship, there IS someone else out there that you *could* be happier with. But so what?

Perfection doesn’t exist, it’s an ideal. No relationship is perfect. Short of any deal-breakers (infidelity and abuse being common ones for people), what you have today can probably get better if you and your spouse commit yourselves to the relationships and each other. Embrace what you have and see imperfections as ways to improve.

I opened with talking about wedding vows. With current divorce rates the traditional vows may as well be:

As long as I feel like it,
And it’s convenient for me,
Till something better comes along

Get out of that mindset. Ask yourself what you can do, today, to make your relationship better. Recommit yourself to your spouse and your relationship, and embrace a happier future.

16Jun2014

It’s Time for a Check Up!!!

Posted in Communication, Communication Issues, Happiness, Marriage, Relationships by zombiedrew2

When it comes to going to see the doctor, what kind of person are you? Some people go see the doctor every time they sneeze. Others go for regular check-ups. And then there are others who will only go long after they should have. Think the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail – “it’s just a flesh wound” (ah, that scene NEVER gets old for me). People are all over the spectrum with how often they see a doctor. Personally, I’m not quite at the black knight level, but I know I don’t go as often as I should.

Why do people go for check-ups? Well, as the saying goes “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”. Kind of like my buddy who had the heart attack. Had he gone to the doctor when he first experiences symptoms, he might have been able to prevent the heart attack. Or at least reduce the pain involved in having it. The prescribed “regular checkups” are really just checkpoints on your overall health. They are a way for doctors to see how you are doing year after year, and check if there are any signs of trouble on the horizon.

Checkpoints

We see these checkpoints at a number of spots in life. Most jobs do yearly performance reviews. These are really ways of checking in to see how we are doing. Ways to examine what we are doing well, and what we can improve upon.

Financial people often recommend that we meet with them annually or bi-annually, to see both how we are currently doing as well as to find out if anything in our lives has changed that would affect what we should do moving forward.

In the business world, projects often have a phase called “lessons learned”. The idea in the lessons learned phase is that we look at what worked, and what didn’t in a project. That way if we ever undertake a similar task, we can try to build on our experiences and avoid making the same mistake again. So we can improve for next time.

Heck, in some ways that’s what New Year’s Resolutions are about. The New Year becomes a checkpoint for setting goals that we want to accomplish in the coming year.

The Golf Ball Game

Recently I went to a business conference on problem solving and continuous improvement. We opened the conference by breaking into teams of 10-15, and playing a game. In the game each team received a bucket of golf balls. We had to see how many points we could score, and to score a point we had to follow a few basic rules. We scored one point for each golf ball that passed through the team. The rules were:

Each member of the team must touch the ball at least once
You are not allowed to pass the ball to the person directly next to you
The last person in the team must pass the ball to the first person on the team to complete a circuit
The ball must be airborne during each pass

We were given 2 minutes to come up with a plan and 2 minutes to try out our plan, after which each team then gave the convener their scores. We then had 2 minutes to revise our plan, 2 mins to try out the new plan, and provide score updates. I think we repeated this process 2 more times (for a total of 4 attempts). The first time we did this, I think we passed 16 balls around the group. By the last pass, we were around 200.

For all the groups at the conference, our initial plans didn’t look anything like the ones we came up with on the fourth attempt. Our process evolved, and was different every time. Thing is, there were a number of things we were changing as we went. We changed the way we organized the people in our group. We changed the way we handed off the balls. We changed the way we kept track of our counts. And we changed the number of balls we held in our hands for each pass.

It was a really fun exercise, and the convener used it to illustrate a few points. One was that if you just keep doing something the same way, you won’t see change. You may see some marginal efficiency improvements, but that’s it. If our group came up with a plan and kept trying it, we may have gone from 16-25. For significant changes, sometimes you need to re-examine every part of what you are doing, and be willing to try different things. But you can’t do that unless you take the time out to discuss what you are doing among the team.

That’s how we opened the conference. The rest of the day we talked about all sorts of problem solving techniques. I won’t dwell on details, but here were some highlights for me:

There are multiple approaches to doing things. Just because you have “always done something this way” that doesn’t mean it’s the best way.
If your current approach isn’t working, try a new one.
Don’t continue down the same path repeatedly expecting different results.
Sometimes stronger personalities have a way of driving things, but all members of a team can provide value so it’s important to find ways for everyone’s voices to be heard.
When dealing with problems, it can be overwhelming and sometimes not possible to deal with the whole thing at once. If you can find ways to break up problems into smaller pieces, and then focus on one piece at a time, problems become much more manageable.
In a team setting, communication is very important. One of the best things you can do is have continuous checkpoints to see how things are going, and evaluate if the approach you are taking is working/makes sense or if you should try something different.

Continuous Improvement

One of the key topics of the conference was how we should always strive for continuous improvement. Alright, I know it was a business conference. But hey, I like to write about relationships, and I’m kinda neurotic about this stuff. So of course I started connecting this back to the realm of life, and love.

Isn’t continuous improvement a great goal to have in everything in life? It doesn’t matter what you are doing – shouldn’t you always want to improve? Should we ever really say “ah, that’s good enough” if we know something can be better?

If you enjoy golf, aren’t you always trying to improve your game in order to have a better score. Even if it’s just casual fun, there’s satisfaction in seeing improvement. If you enjoy cooking, isn’t there value in trying new things. You may try some recipes and end up hating them. But you might love the next one. Look at parenting. For the sake of your kids as well as your own sanity, there’s value in learning different approaches and techniques that you can use. Heck, even if it’s something you hate (say, scrubbing toilets) – getting better or at least more efficient at it means you can get it done faster.

If you’ve ever heard of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs isn’t that what self actualization is about? Being the best person that you can be? I’m not content with just being a good toilet scrubber – I want to be the best toilet scrubber I can be!!!

Improvement in Relationships

The goal of continuous improvement also applies in relationships, and it shouldn’t even matter what state your relationship is in. Some relationships need a lot of work. Others don’t really seem like they need work, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be better.

If you are truly committed to someone, shouldn’t you want to have the best life together possible? If there are things you can do to improve the relationship, then you are making life better for both you and your spouse. And all the same points from the above apply.

A buddy and I once joked that relationships should have the equivalent of checkpoints or performance reviews, where you have an opportunity reflect on how you are doing and set some goals together. I actually think that it’s a great idea, I’m just not sure how exactly you go about doing it. When the idea came up, we talked about it being something you do on your anniversary. The point that was made in the conference was that once a year isn’t enough. For continuous improvement, this should be part of your everyday life. If you see areas you can change and improve, do it. Don’t wait.

Making Changes

Some of the biggest areas for conflict in relationships are how you spend time together, splitting of household duties, parenting, sexuality and finances. As a couple, take a look at those areas and talk about them. In every area there are probably things that you think you are doing well, and other things you think you could improve on.

Pick a topic (splitting of household duties for example), and individually put together a list of the things you think you are doing well, and the areas you can improve. Then compare notes. Doing it individually and then sharing prevents the more dominant personality from saying things like “Yeah, of course we are doing a great job of splitting household chores. Now hurry up and finish vacuuming – you’re blocking the TV”, while the less dominant personality says “yes dear”. By comparing notes both voices can be heard. Ideally you both see the same strengths and weaknesses, but you may also find that some of the things you think are going well are things your spouse thinks you can improve on. Isn’t that good to get out in the open?

For things that you want to improve on, try different things. Try something for a while, and if it’s still not working try something new. Don’t be scared of change. Just because you’ve always done something a certain way, doesn’t mean you have to continue doing it that way. Let’s face it, even if something used to work, if it’s no longer working you can’t hold onto it.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results – Albert Einstein

If your relationship is in a fairly distressed state, then sometimes the issues can seem overwhelming. By focusing on one item and trying to make improvements to that first, you can make gradual changes to your relationship. Start with something small and manageable – not the major conflict points. Dealing with the smaller issues can increase the overall satisfaction in the relationship, while showing that larger changes can be successful.

People Change

One thing that’s easy to lose sight of is people change, and situations change. I’m not the same person I was 20 years ago. Why would I expect my wife to be? For any long term relationship, you need to be willing to grow together, and re-learn each other again and again as the years go by. And hopefully you continue to fall in love with each other again and again as you both change.

Here’s a scenario from my life (which shows that yeah, guys can be dumb). When my wife and I started a family, my wife stayed home with the kids. We came up with a way of dividing the household chores that seemed to make sense for us. After a number of years, my kids were in school full time and my wife started working again. But guess what? For a while, I expected our division of labor to continue as it had. It wasn’t a conscious expectation, but I was set in my habits of the chores that I had been doing for the past few years. I didn’t take into account that suddenly my wife had less time available, but for some reason I was expecting her to do all the things that she had been doing before. Our situation had changed, so we needed to change our approach. These sorts of things happen all the time.

Communication is Key

It doesn’t matter how good or bad your relationship is at the moment, there is always room for it to get better. Perfection doesn’t exist, but continuous improvement is a goal we should all be striving towards. To do that, you have to be committed to your spouse and your relationship, and be willing to communicate. Increasing your understanding of each other and being willing to put your spouse’s needs at the same level as your own is key to a lifetime of happiness.

3Jun2014

Why get married? Well, everyone else is doing it

Posted in Life, Love, Marriage, Relationships by zombiedrew2

Why do we get married? Why do we date? According to evolutionary theory dating and courting is simply a way to try to find a mate for sex so that we can advance the species. And from what some of my single female friends have told me, that does seems to be the driving focus of many of the guys they meet (just without the whole “advancement of the species” side of it). Lots of “hi, I’m Bob, and I brought you a flower. Soooooo… sex now?” type experiences.

I would like to think that guys aren’t all like that though. I mean, yeah, I’m not going to deny we think about sex (frequently perhaps). But hopefully there’s a lot more going on in the guys head and it isn’t their primary motivator. Alright fine, maybe it is their primary motivator. But hopefully it’s not their only one. Sigh, guess we can’t fight evolution.

In any case, I don’t think sex is the primary thing. I think what we are actually looking for is connection. Everyone wants to feel valued, cared for, and desired. And we also want to value, care for and desire someone else.

Different Lifestyles

Looking around as an adult, I see a handful of different lifestyle choices:

Single and on your own.
Single, but dating.
In a relationship, but living separately
In a relationship and living together
Married

There are also a couple of other options, like being in multiple casual relationships at once, and married or living together but with relationships on the side, but I would like to think that those are exceptions (though they are likely much more prevalent then I would care to admit).

Lets looks at the first few a bit more closely

Single and on your own

Here someone is single, and not looking for any sort of relationship. There are a bunch of things that can cause this. The person may be anti-social. They may have been in a relationship and been hurt, and need time to recover. They may also believe that they will never find anyone, so they don’t even try. Sometimes these people are actually happy on their own. But I suspect many have convinced themselves they are on their own because that’s what they want, but in reality there is a part of them that wishes they could find someone, but they are scared to open their heart and be rejected.

Single, but dating.

This would apply to both people who are single but looking for casual hookups and people who are dating in the hopes of finding something that could develop into something more serious. When people talk about “settling down”, I think it’s the change of the mindset that dating is just for casual fun to a mindset that dating has a goal of finding a relationship that could become serious.

In a relationship but living separately

Often this is the next step after single but dating. You’ve found someone while dating and it seems to be developing into something more. At this point you are “exclusive” to each other, which may be either spoken or just assumed. But you still live separately, so to see each other you need to plan it. Relationships can stay in this stage for a long time and never develop into anything more.

Married or Living Together

Legally, living together is treated the same as marriage, so what is the difference? I think the difference between living together and marriage is largely symbolic. By getting married you are publicly affirming your commitment to one another. But the ritual of marriage isn’t really needed. You can be just as committed without it. So although I acknowledge that living together and being married are somewhat different, I’m going to treat them the same here.

Why get Married?

Why do we get married? If you are married, try to think back. Why did you get married? If you were the one who proposed, what made you propose? If you accepted a proposal, why did you?

Easy question right? Chances are it was because of something along the lines of “well, we love each other and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together”. Or I suppose it may have been “we got pregnant” and daddy was starting to load his shotgun. Then there are people who are tired of the dating scene, and figure it is time to “settle down”.

Actually there’s a good chance you didn’t even really think about it – it just seemed like the right thing to do. The logical “next step in your relationship” if you will. Influencing your decision was likely some combination of a romanticized notion of a future together, and a need to conform to societal and familial pressures.

In many cases, people get married simply because that’s what you do (same for having kids actually, but that’s another topic for another day). You hit a certain age, and your peer group starts getting married. Some people do it because it’s what they want, other do it just so they don’t feel left behind.

Relationship vs. Marriage

Thinking of marriage as just a logical next step in a committed relationship is a bit of a mistake. Marriage is much more than that, and this is the part that I don’t think people really understand until they are in it. A relationship is just about the two of you, while a marriage is a partnership, and there is more to it than just the relationship bits (same as living together, which is why I’ve grouped them together).

In a marriage you have to run a household, which involves managing finances and the division of chores. If you decide to have children, you take on the role of a parent – taking time away from being a couple as well as a potential for conflict if you don’t agree on child rearing. You have to start thinking about the future, and balancing planning for the future with enjoying the present. These different roles can conflict, and get in the way of the relationship bits.

It’s kind of like being a parent. It’s great to have a friendly relationship with your kids. But there are times that being the parent can conflict with being the friend. I have periodic battles with my children, where they tell me things like “I hate you”, and “you’re the worst daddy in the world”. Once they’ve cooled off a bit I’ll often say something like “sometimes when you think I’m being mean, it’s because I’m doing what I think is best for you, even though you might not like it.”

Similarly, what’s best for the marriage isn’t always what’s best for the relationship. Marriage (like much of life) is a balancing act. You need to balance the different roles you play. Being an individual and part of a couple. Planning the future with living for today.

One key difference is that before you had to make plans to see each other. Even if all you did was get together to watch TV, it was an event. Now, you see each other all the time. If you aren’t careful this can lead to a loss of individuality. I’ve got a buddy in a relationship, and he and his girlfriend have been talking about marriage and moving in together. One of his concerns was how it would affect his “me” time. It’s a common trap to think that now that you are together you need to do everything together. It’s still important to maintain your individuality and to do all the things you were doing before. But now you have to take into account the other person a bit more.

Have you ever heard stories of great friends who go into business together, and the business relationship ruins the friendship? The same thing can happen in a marriage. Having a strong friendship or being passionate lovers is no guarantee that you will be able to be successful in marriage.

Are Marriage and Passion Incompatible?

In a prior post I talked about how the nature of love changes over time. The early stages are more lust then love, and there are physiological reasons behind changing feelings.

If you look up quotes about marriage, many of them are jokes about how your sex life dies after marriage. Like any generalization or stereotype, there is a grain of truth behind that. It may be natural to have this happen to a degree, but that doesn’t mean it has to happen.

When it does, I don’t think the marriage is to blame. You initially come together as friends and lovers (not necessarily in that order). But in marriages and any long term relationships you become more. You take on all these other roles, and those other roles can get in the way of the things that initially brought you together.

Here’s a quote I like:

Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

The cynical way to look at this quote is to say it suggest marriages are doomed to suffer an erosion of love, and I think a lot of people believe that. But I see that quote as a reminder that marriage is about more than just love. It’s about commitment. You don’t get married just because you love each other. You get married because you are committing to that other person. As it says in most vows, in good times and in bad. There will be bad, and you need more than just love to get you through.

The Beauty of Marriage

It’s possible that this comes across sounding like I’m disillusioned by marriage. Far from it. I still believe in the institution, and I think it’s a great thing. But I’ve learned that it’s not an easy road, and you need commitment to really get through.

To me one of the powerful things about marriage is you become more than just a person. You are more than a “me”, you are part of an “us”. For that to be successful, you need to be able to put your spouses needs at the same level as your own.

I read something recently where it talked about focusing on the positives in your relationship instead of the negatives. This makes a lot of sense to me. Look at a newspaper. It’s the negative, and the sensational that makes the news. The news isn’t full of the good things that happen in peoples lives. Pick up a history book. It’s full of wars and battles. The significant or memorable events are often the negative ones. It’s very easy to let some bad moments in your relationship override the good ones. The article suggested trying to figure out your top five moments as a couple (to you personally), and maybe sharing that with your spouse.

As I looked at my top 5 moments, some of them were obvious – the wedding day, the birth of our children, and a trip together. But I was a bit surprised to find that one of my top 5 moments wasn’t even “my” moment. In my top 5 was a situation where I helped my wife achieve one of her personal goals, and cross something off her bucket list. It was something I was unable to do with her due to school at the time (though I would have loved to), but I knew it was important to her so I pushed her to do it and I supported her in it. To me, being able to do that made me feel as close and connected to her as any moment that we were able to spend together.

It wasn’t about “me”. It was about her, and the enjoyment I received in supporting her in something she really wanted.

Another important thing is the history you build together. I’ve never understood the concept of falling out of love. When you look at the life experiences you share with someone over a long term relationship, how can you beat that? Looking at my life and the things we’ve gone through, supporting each other through life events both happy and sad. Bringing our children into the world together. People talk about desire fading, and that’s another thing I don’t understand. Yeah, we age. And our bodies change. But those changes are a roadmap of your experiences together, and you were together for every one of them.

No, I don’t understand falling out of love. Even when times are hard, it’s important to continued to fall in love again and again as the years go by.

Remember What Brought You Together

For anyone in a relationship, regardless of it how happy or distressed it is, here’s one thing to remember. When you first came together, it was as friends and lovers. Never let that fade.

Life gets busy. Jobs get in the way, houses get in the way, kids get in the way. There are always “things” that can get in the way, but you need to make time for each other. You need to make time to laugh together, and love one another. Things don’t just happen on their own. If you don’t make the time, before to long you will find that a long time has passed, and connection has started to break down.

Long term relationships don’t have to mean the erosion of love. If you’ve let that spark fade or die, as long as you are willing to make each other a priority again, you CAN find it again. Look at the positives in your life, and try to let go of the negatives.

To quote Chris Martin of Coldplay (who sadly wrote these lyrics as his own marriage was failing):

Call it magic, call it true
I call it magic when I’m with you
And I just got broken, broken into two
Still I call it magic, when I’m next to you

And if you were to ask me
After all that we’ve been through
Still believe in magic?
Oh yes I do
Of course I do

23May2014

Great Expectations in Love

Posted in Communication, Communication Issues, Life, Love, Marriage, Relationships by zombiedrew2

In the posts I’ve made so far my focus has been on what causes relationships to break down. I don’t want to dwell on the negative, but understanding what we are doing wrong can help us understand how to be better. That’s how we learn. Make mistakes, try and figure out what we did, and do it differently the next time.

After spending a lot of time reading and thinking about this, I think I’ve figured out the largest cause of relationship breakdown. Are you ready for it? Alright, here we go…

Go get a mirror, and look into it? Do you see the problem? No? Maybe look a little harder.

Your biggest problem is yourself!!!

Before you start throwing things at me (virtually of course) let me explain this one a bit. This isn’t really a bad thing. Well, kinda, but it’s also natural and I suspect unavoidable. We all unwittingly sabotage our own relationship to varying degrees, and often we don’t even realize we are doing it.

How do we do this? I’m glad you asked. We do this through our expectations of what life and love should look like. In his book Love is Never Enough, Aaron Beck talks about these expectations as “shoulds”. We have an idea of what our idealized life “should” look like. When we act a certain way, we believe that our spouse “should” respond in a certain way.

Here’s why I think this is so subversive. This happens at a subconscious level, and often we aren’t even aware of it. We often can’t even articulate what things “should” look like, we don’t know what our expectations really are. But we sure know when those expectations aren’t being met.

We learn from what we see

In my first post, I talked about how for much of life and relationships we stumble about just figuring things out on our own. There is no class we take in school on relationships. Children don’t come with instruction manuals. When relationships start to falter, there is no handle with a sign that says “pull in case of emergency” (though how cool would that be. Mind you even they did exist where would you put it?).

When I said that there was no class on relationships that wasn’t entirely true. I’ve realized we do get a class on relationships, and it’s called our parents.

*** cue awkward pause ***

Think about this for a moment. How do we learn about relationships? Where do we get our concept of what a relationship “should” look like? It may happen at a subconscious level, but for regular interpersonal interactions we learn from what we see. And for many people the relationship we see modeled with the greatest frequency during our developmental years is that of our parents. This becomes our view of normal, and sets our expectations on what a relationship “should” look like.

Yeah, I’m sure some of you are now squirming, thinking something along the lines of “ewwww” or “Noooooo, my eyes, my eyes!!!” Maybe you are saying “my parents had a terrible relationship”.

When you’ve had bad experiences modeled to you, these may be things that you consciously try to avoid in your own relationships. We pick and choose the things that we saw that we liked, and try to exclude the things we didn’t. I’m not sure how well that actually works though. Look at cycles of abuse. You would think having terrible experiences as a child would make you do anything in your power to prevent that from happening in your life. But many studies have shown that being abused is often a strong predictor for future abuse. Cycles repeat. We tend to do what we know.

During our developmental years we are always observing and learning from what we see. It doesn’t matter how abnormal or dysfunctional our model may be – we are still learning. Just as some schools have better teachers than others, some models of relationships are better than others. What we learn may not always be great, and we are just as likely to pick up bad habits are we are good ones.

Our model of a relationship isn’t always from parents though. If you grew up in a single parent home maybe your model of a stable relationship was someone else; grandparents, or the parents of a close friend. Heck, maybe part of it came from watching The Cosby Show, or Rosanne on TV. It’s different for different people, and is probably even a collage of different influences. But chances are there was *something* you saw modeled in your childhood years that formed much of the basis for what a relationship “should” look like to you. And chances are you didn’t even realize it was happening.

What does this mean to me?

So we learn from what we see? Alright, if you can accept that, then what does that have to do with us subconsciously undermining our own relationships?

Here’s where I think we get ourselves in trouble:

We all have our own expectations, our own ideas of what life, love and personal interactions should look like. And we subconsciously judge things based on how well they meet those “shoulds”. These can be small or large. From my spouse should greet me in the morning with a hug and a kiss; to my spouse (usually wife for this one) should stay at home with the kids when/if we start a family.

Well guess what? Our spouses have their own “shoulds” as well, but their life experiences are different and their influences are different. So their “shoulds” are probably different as well. And where the “shoulds” don’t line up, one or both parties are bound to be disappointed.

If one spouse is expecting the other to stay home with the kids, but the other spouse plans on going the daycare route, you’ve got potential for trouble.

Your way isn’t necessarily the only way

Here’s an example from my own life. It involved a minor conflict between my parents and I, but it was the same collision of “shoulds” that I’m talking about.

While growing up, my family celebrated birthdays with the immediate family (parents and siblings), as well as a handful of friends. For my wifes family, birthdays included a much larger extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc).

When my kids started having birthday, we went with the extended family approach. In some ways it was a blended approach I suppose, as I continued to invite parents and siblings while my wifes extended family was included. We did this for years. One day one of my parents made a comment something along the lines of the way we were doing birthday parties wasn’t what a kids party “should” look like – it was more of an adult party.

You know, I love my parents. They’re great. They are pretty open minded and understanding. But at that moment they were judging the way we chose to do things through their own lens of what a kids birthday party “should” look like. This was a collision between how my side of the family thought birthdays “should” look and how my wife’s side of the family “should” look. Who says what a kids party should look like? No one, we define that for ourselves.

If you run into conflict on your expectations try to remember that life isn’t like math – there is no right answer. When it comes to conflicting expectations between couples there is no right and wrong (well maybe in extreme cases, but for the most part our expectations are just differences). Be open minded. Try to understand your spouse. And be open to the idea that just because you’ve always expected something “should” be a certain way, that doesn’t mean it has to be that way.

Two common “Shoulds”

Here are two common “shoulds” that seem to cause conflict in couples. Read almost any relationship book, and you will see some variation of these.

I shouldn’t have to tell you what I want, you should know.

There’s this romanticized notion that when two people are really in sync, they just know each other. The idea that one person can start a sentence and the other person can finish it. And I do think there is some truth to this. I’m not sure if it’s a matter of being in sync, or if it’s a matter of being around a person long enough that you get to know them and how they respond to things, and therefore you can often predict their behavior. As for being in sync, it may be that both your “shoulds” and the other persons “shoulds” just line up really well.

The thing is, people are different. No one is exactly the same. Often in relationships there are many elements of our characters that are similar and that gives us common ground. But there are also differences, and those differences are a big part of what draws us together. When we talk of people complementing each other, or the idea of the whole being greater than the sum of the parts, we are talking about differences.

I’m not sure about you, but I can’t read minds. I’ve talked to a number of friends, both male and female, and none of them can read minds either. Well, one buddy claims he can but I’m pretty sure he’s crazy. For the people that are close to me, I can often predict how they will respond to situations. I can often make guesses as to the things they like and don’t. But guess what? Sometimes I’m wrong. And the better I know the person the more accurate I usually am.

So in response to “I shouldn’t have to tell you what I want, you should know”, I say no, I shouldn’t. Sometimes your spouse will know what you want and other times they will have some pretty good guesses. But if you *really* want something, it’s best to just tell them.

The other big one is:

We shouldn’t have to work on our relationship. If you need to work on things it’s not true love.

You know, I’m not even sure where to begin on this one. But I’m pretty sure I can blame Disney for this. Why do people not accept that relationships require work? Most wedding vows have some variation of “in good times and in bad”. Most people will acknowledge that everyone has good days and bad days. Also, think of anything that you’ve done. Chances are pretty good that the first time you did something was worse than the tenth, or twentieth. We get better at things over time. So yeah, you probably will need to work on things occasionally. You need to find out what you are doing wrong before you can improve on it.

It seems to me there are two choices. Say “hmm, my relationship has ran into trouble so it’s not true love”, and then move on to another one. Or try to find out what’s going wrong with the relationship you are in and see if you can improve it. If you walk away any time things get difficult, chances are you will go through a lot of relationships in search of the perfect one. You may also work on your current one and find out that no, this isn’t going to work. But you may also find ways to make your bond stronger.

Side note – In defense of Disney, they ARE getting better in their messaging. Movies like Enchanted, Mulan and even Frozen have done a lot to change up the old “princess is rescued by handsome prince and they live happily ever after” story line. But I digress. Anyhow…

What can you do?

As I said earlier, chances are we don’t know what our expectations really are. We only know that we are disappointed when those expectations aren’t being met. So a really important thing to do is try to understand ourselves and identify these expectations.

Take some time and think about some concepts in a relationship and what they mean to you. What do you want your relationship to look like? What does it mean to you to love someone and be loved? How do you express affection and how do you expect it to be expressed to you. What do you actually want from your relationship?

Major areas for conflict in relationships are how you spend time together, splitting of household duties, parenting, sexuality and finances. In all of these areas you probably have some “shoulds” that may conflict with your spouses.

All those things that are happening at a subconscious level. Think about times you have been disappointed or hurt. What happened, or didn’t happen? Try articulating why you were disappointed and what you expected. Try figuring out the specifics of what you think your relationship should look like (it’s largely that exercise that led me to writing this blog). My assertion is that before we can understand each other we need to understand ourselves. And I can guarantee that’s not an easy thing.

Once you have identified your own personal “shoulds”, ask yourself why is that the case? Why “should” you expect something to be a certain way? Are they really absolutes, or is there room for change? If your answer on why you expect something to be a certain way is just “because that’s how it’s supposed to be”, then maybe you need to re-examine that one. Most shoulds are actually wants, and some of them have no real basis beyond “that’s the way I learned something”.

You are a role model

As I got thinking about this I realized that if my parents were the primary model for what I believed a relationship “should” look like, then that means I’m a model for my own kids (hmm, kind of a scary thought sometimes). This brought two things to mind:

Don’t hide natural parts of a relationship. Relationships are full of ups and downs, good times and bad. As parents I think it’s natural to try and shield our children from the negative sides of things. For example, many people try not to ever fight when the kids are around. I get the sentiment, and will admit to doing that myself. But I question if we are maybe doing more harm than good when we do this. Fighting happens. I’m not saying show the kids everything, but maybe let them see that conflict and more importantly dealing with conflict is a natural part of life. Just because mommy and daddy argue doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. As an adult I’m trying to learn how to deal with conflict now, and it’s not easy.
Don’t ever stay just for the kids. I hear of couples who have let the spark die (and I use the word “let” intentionally, because I think that’s a decision), but they stay in the marriage so the kids have a stable home life. C’mon, what exactly are you giving the kids? What sort of life are you modeling to them? Do you really want your kids growing up in a cold environment where mommy and daddy never interact, never touch and don’t tell each other they love each other? Sorry, I think that’s probably doing more harm than good over the long term. Kids learn from what they see. Either put the effort in to make things work, or don’t and move on.

Change is hard

There’s a saying, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. You can, it’s just not easy. It can be difficult to unlearn years of learned behavior and expectation. Let’s say you’ve been able to identify some of your shoulds, and you have come to realize that they don’t necessarily have to be that way. Even then, in the heat of the moment when your “shoulds” are violated your default reaction will be one of hurt and disappointment. Be aware of that. Everything in life requires practice. There are all sorts of theories on how long it takes to form a habit. I don’t think there’s any real magic time or magic number. But the point is, things get easier over time.

3Apr2014

That’s what Happiness is!!!

Posted in Happiness, Life, Marriage, Relationships by zombiedrew2

Happiness. We all want to be “happy”, and much of our lives is spent in pursuit of happiness. But happiness can be elusive, or temporary. One of the leading causes of relationship break down is because one or both parties aren’t “happy”.

Defining Happiness

Happiness seems like a pretty important concept to understand, so what exactly is it? Where to start? Well, how about the dictionary. Since I don’t have one I’ll rely on good old Google.

Merriam-Webster defines happiness as:

A state of well-being and contentment
A pleasurable or satisfying experience

Let’s look at point b) first. If happiness is a pleasurable or satisfying experience, then it is a point in time event or activity. A good meal can be pleasurable or satisfying. So it was enjoyable, but did it make you happy? Sex can/should be pleasurable, and hopefully it’s satisfying. But does it make someone happy? Not necessarily. In fact it can make people unhappy, especially if they have regrets about doing it later. I would argue that sex can only cause happiness when it is done with someone you love. At that point it transcends the physical act and becomes both an emotional and spiritual connection (but that’s a topic for another day).

Looking at b), I would argue that it is not a suitable definition of happiness. A particular experience or action may be enjoyable, but it doesn’t necessarily lead to happiness. If I’m generally miserable, I have my doubts that satisfying meals can make me happy.

Now let’s look at point a), happiness is a state of well-being and contentment. This makes a lot more sense to me as it seems to speak to a person’s general take on life. What is your state? Are you a happy person or not? If you are a happy person, does that mean you are always happy? I would argue no. Everyone has good days and bad days. And even looking at a point in time slice of life, I think you can be happy about certain parts of your life without being happy about everything.

This makes me think of a sign I saw recently. I don’t recall the exact words, but it’s something like:

Happiness does not mean everything is perfect
It means you are willing to look beyond the imperfections

I’ve given that one some thought, and I don’t think it’s quite right. Depending on the scale of those imperfections it might not be realistic to look past them. For example, I don’t think anyone can or should “look beyond” things like abuse. So I’ve reworded it slightly:

Happiness does not mean everything is perfect
It means you are willing to look beyond the imperfections you can live with
And you are willing to try and resolve the ones you cannot

This concept of happiness links back to happiness as a state. It doesn’t mean things are perfect, but there is contentment with your current state.

Let’s look at another source. Wikipedia says happiness is:

“a mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.”

“Happiness is a fuzzy concept and can mean many things to many people. Part of the challenge of a science of happiness is to identify different concepts of happiness, and where applicable, split them into their components.”

Wikipedia also views at happiness as a state. I like the fact that it refers to happiness as a fuzzy concept, because it is a difficult concept to define. How do you know if you are happy? How can you pinpoint it? And if you are happy, why are you happy? What causes you to be happy vs. being unhappy? How do you achieve this state?

I looked around a bit and found a pretty interesting article full of quotes from various people on what makes up happiness. At the end of the article the author says that happiness is a decision, that requires actions on our part. Some of my favorite quotes are:

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
Mahatma Gandhi

Happiness is different from pleasure. Happiness has something to do with struggling and enduring and accomplishing.
George Sheehan

Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude.
Denis Waitley

My Take on Happiness

Here’s what I think…

Happiness is an outlook, and it’s a conscious decision. We as individuals decide if we want to be happy. We decide how we want to view our lives, and we control the actions that lead to our own happiness. There are definitely outside influences that affect our ability to make these decisions. And events can occur that can impact our happiness (such as accidents, illness etc). But we are responsible for our own happiness.

I think of myself as a fairly happy person. If that’s true what is it that makes me happy? What are my sources of happiness?

First off (and most importantly), it comes from within. I’m not sure when, or how, but I have chosen to view the world through an optimistic lens. I believe that things will work out somehow. Even in difficult times I believe that I will get through things. Why do I believe that? I think that comes from self-confidence. I can look at myself in the mirror, and I am largely content with who I am, the things I have accomplished, and the potential for the future. As the sign I saw says, it doesn’t mean everything is perfect. There is lots of room for improvement and growth. But as a general state, I am content with my life.

My life isn’t exactly working out the way I expected at the moment, but that’s alright. I know I will get through this, and I know that I will still be able to have a happy future. I believe in myself and the decisions I have made. Adversity is an opportunity for learning and growth. Happiness comes from the decisions and actions that you make.

Thinking of everything above, here is my definition of happiness:

Happiness is a state of mind. It comes from a personal sense of fulfillment or accomplishment. It can be impacted by outside events, but it is something that largely comes from within. It results from a person’s decisions, and the actions they have taken.
In order to be happy, you have to be happy with yourself, and for that to happen you must have a strong sense of self-worth and identity.
No one is “always” happy, but to be a happy person you must have a positive outlook on the world. You must focus on what you do have, instead of what you don’t. You must be willing to overlook imperfections where possible, and be willing to work to improve on the things you cannot overlook.

Alright, I’ll admit that doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue; and you won’t see it as a t-shirt slogan anytime soon. But hey, happiness is a complicated thing!!!

Happiness in Relationships

So now we’ve got my take on happiness. But how does that tie into relationships? Why do people find themselves “unhappy” in their relationships? From what we looked at above, happiness is a state of mind and it comes from within. A problem couples can get into is when they expect their spouse to make them happy. You need to be happy with who you are before you can be happy with someone else. Think of all the musicians and actors who looked like they had everything (wealth, fame, beauty) only to end up throwing everything away, or worse, dead through suicide or drug overdoses. My guess, these weren’t happy people.

A while back I came across the following quote, and I think it sums up a lot of where relationships break down.

Generally, people give up too easily on relationships. They expect the relationship to make them happy as opposed to them making themselves happy. A good relationship takes a lot of work. The only person that could ultimately make you happy is you.

If you are someone who is unhappy with where your life is at the moment, here’s something to think about. Perfection is an ideal that can not be attained. Nothing is perfect. No person is perfect and no relationship is perfect. But I’ll guess if you take a good look at yourself you will see that you have a lot to be thankful for. Take a look at your relationship and look at what is good about it, not at what is missing. Focus on the positives and allow yourself to appreciate what you have around you. If you can do that you will find your overall level of happiness will increase. Fix your own outlook on life and not only will the negatives in your life not seem so bad, but they will also be easier to approach and try to improve.

23Mar2014

Guys are dumb

Posted in Communication, Communication Issues, Love, Marriage, Relationships by zombiedrew2

Over the past year and a half, I’ve spent what is probably an unhealthy amount of time thinking about relationships and male/female dynamics. During that time I’ve looked at a number of books and websites dealing with relationships, relationship issues and any other topics that seem like offshoots of this. Mid-life crisis, depression, anxiety, mood disorders, personality types, adultery, menopause, you name it.

While on websites I try to read comments on sites and in forums. This feedback portion of the web is of particular interest to me because you get a lot of peoples stories. Sure, a lot of people use forums as a means of venting (about how terrible their significant other is and how great they are), but there is still a lot of valuable stuff there. The relative anonymity of the internet allows people to show sides of themselves that they may not normally show. There is a lot of crude, mean and bigoted content in forums. But there are also a lot of people that seem to be displaying a raw honesty about their feelings.

Husbands don’t care?

One common theme I found is that women often feel like they are talking to a wall when they talk to their husbands, and it’s not until things hit a crisis point that their husbands seem to care, but by then it’s too late. Here’s something that sums this sentiment up pretty well:

Women try for years to communicate to their husbands. Husbands don’t want to listen. Women reach a point where they stop trying and leave the relationship. Husbands then decide it’s time to listen.

I saw this sentiment on a number of different sites, often accompanied by a profound sense of frustration and loss. I won’t pretend to represent all men here, but here’s my response to all the women out there who are feeling this:

You’re 100% right, men should do a better job of listening to their wives and trying to truly understand their needs. That applies to me as well as many, many other men out there. So why don’t we? Why do men only start to listen when things reach a crisis point (and it may already be too late)?

The easy answer is that guys are dumb. There are a bunch of stereotypes about men that seem to imply women are in tune with their emotions while men are emotional Cro-Magnons. Sadly, from some of the things I have seen women write about men on forums a lot of women seem to believe that. The reality is probably a wee bit more complex though.

Listening but not Understanding

I mentioned in my first entry that this blog is not about me; it’s about things that I’ve learned as a result of my experiences. In this case I think my “story” is relevant to this topic – and it’s also not that unusual. When my relationship hit a crisis point I was caught off guard. I knew things weren’t perfect, but I didn’t realize we had a serious issue – so I felt blindsided. I hadn’t seen it coming and I really struggled to understand what happened.

Reflecting on things I realized there WERE signs. There were a lot of them and I simply didn’t see them. Or perhaps it’s more accurate to say that I saw them, but didn’t understand them. Was that stupid of me? Sure. Does it mean I was a bad husband? From her perspective maybe it seemed that way, although I didn’t think so at the time. Even now I believe I was doing the best job that I could. But I didn’t realize what was happening and as a result I didn’t take any actions to correct things before they deteriorated to a bad state. Honestly, had I realized what was happening I probably still wouldn’t have had any idea of what to do.

What you don’t know CAN kill you

A friend of mine had a heart attack recently. He was a healthy guy who took care of himself, ate well and exercised regularly. He didn’t really fit the “profile” of a heart attack risk. While recovering in the hospital he was asked about the days leading up to his heart attack, and it turns out that he had displayed a number of symptoms. Thing is, he had never had a heart attack before so he didn’t know what to look for. He had all these symptoms but he brushed them off as something else. He thought he was overtired, or maybe he had a flu coming on. His body was clearly giving him warning signs that something was wrong, but he ignored it thinking it wasn’t anything serious. Did this mean he was stupid? That he didn’t care about what his body was telling him? His body WAS communicating, but it was communicating in a way he didn’t understand. His only real “mistake” was not knowing how to read the signs.

The Chinese Whisper game

I think the same things happen to many men and women. We go about our lives thinking that we are great husbands and/or wives. We pat ourselves on the back for the good job we are doing, but we are blind to what’s really happening. We think we are communicating with each other, but the messages that seem so clear to us aren’t being understood by our spouses. Sometimes we are crying out to them the equivalent of “hey, we’re having a heart attack here”, and although they “hear” us they think it’s time to get out the cough medicine because they are coming down with a cold. To the person sending the message it feels like they aren’t valued – their needs aren’t valued. The other person, the person who is supposed to be the most important person in the world to them, doesn’t seem to care. In reality they do care, very much. But they are hearing and not understanding.

I hear people say that “he doesn’t understand me” or “she doesn’t understand me”. And that’s just it, we often don’t understand each other. One person is communicating in a way that seems so clear to them, but their message is being completely missed.

It’s like the game Chinese Whisper, played in most primary schools. In that game people sit in a circle, and one person comes up with a message. That message is whispered from student to student in a circuit until it reaches the last one, who says the message out loud – but the spoken message rarely resembles the one you started with. In that game the message breaks down, or is filtered, as it goes from person to person.

In a relationship it should be simpler because the message is only passing from one person to another. But we all have invisible filters that cause the message to break down. Your life experiences, your expectations and your beliefs. We see and subconsciously interpret each others words and actions through these beliefs and expectations. And when someone doesn’t meet them, we feel let down. Over time these little moments add up, hurt builds into resentment, and we find ourselves trying to be understood less and less. Eventually we stop trying altogether, and that is when we hit a crisis.

Always remember the actual problem

I truly believe that most conflict in relationships start as simple misunderstanding. I also believe that those misunderstandings could have be resolved, but left unchecked they can grow into something more. Eventually the conflict and the resentment it has caused has overshadowed the original problem, and you now have conflict for the sake of conflict.

Everyone has times when they have felt hurt or let down by their significant other, that’s part of life. At those points in a relationship, it’s important to communicate these hurts and get them out in the open.

My whole life I have believed it is important to pick your battles. If something was important to me I would make a point of trying to discus it to get it out in the open. But it was pretty rare that I thought something was important enough to bring up. In most cases it didn’t seem worth the effort so I would just “let it go”. But I wasn’t really letting things go, I was just not dealing with them. Don’t just “let things go” because if you sweep things under the carpet, eventually that carpet gets really bumpy.

Improving Communication

If we acknowledge that we need to do a better job of communicating, how do we avoid “chinese whisper syndrome”? I’m trying to figure this out for myself, but there are a few things you can try. Here are my thoughts:

when talking about things with your spouse, focus on how it made you feel instead of the event. Don’t be judgmental, say something like “when this happened, that hurt me”.
don’t escalate. When you are hurt, it’s easy to get defensive or go into attack mode and lash out. Remember, you are trying to improve your lines of communication here, and that doesn’t happen if you make things worse.
if you need, walk away for a bit to collect your thoughts. Sometimes the heat of the moment isn’t the best time to try dealing with things.

To any ladies out there I say yeah some guys are jerks and some are insensitive (and even the best guys out there have moments where they are both). But I would like to think that most of us have best intentions, and actually do want to understand their spouses and want the best for their relationship. We ARE listening, we just aren’t understanding. My friend didn’t recognize the symptoms of his heart attack until it almost killed him.

Take the time and effort to try and ensure that your communication efforts are accompanied by understanding. It will be difficult at first, but I think you and your relationship will be better off in the long run.

If you have any tips on communications for what has worked for you in your relationships, let me know in the comments below or email me at thezombieshuffle@outlook.com.

18Mar2014

There’s no “I” in team?

Posted in Love, Marriage, Relationships by zombiedrew2

Periodically I hear the saying “there’s no I in team”. To that I say, really? I mean, I understand the message behind it – don’t be selfish, a team needs to be working towards a common goal, blah blah blah. But even with a common goal, at its core a team is still a collection of individuals.

Anyone who has ever played or coached a team sport knows that there is actually a lot of “I” in team. The challenge is getting those individual pieces to fit together, and positioning individuals so that pursuit of their own goals lines up with the common goal of the team.

Pursuit of a common goal

To do that you need to first identify what the common goal is. What is the team actually trying to accomplish? In sports the goal is often “winning”, but the blueprint for achieving that goal isn’t always straightforward. Is your goal to win a championship? Is it to win as many games as possible? Sometimes winning as many games as possible can be detrimental to winning a championship, as you also have to build chemistry, develop players, balance rest and avoiding injuries. These things may cost the team a few wins short term, but be beneficial in the long run. So having goals and defining the blueprint to achieve those goals are two different things.

The individual players on the team may all support the team goal, but they also have their own personal goals. These are often things like playing time, role on the team, number of touches/catches/shots etc. For the players, there needs to be a balance between “we” and “me” (the team goals and the individual goals). The team may be winning, but if a player feels their personal goals aren’t being met they may still not be happy. The players may also buy into the team goal, but disagree on the best approach (or blueprint) to achieving that goal.

In sports it’s up to the coach to manage this balance between “we” and “me”. To ensure individual players buy into the team goal as well as show them how they fit into it. It is often said that coaches spend as much time managing egos and personalities as they do coaching game strategy (I would call this babysitting, but I suppose “managing personalities” sounds more professional). Teams have their greatest success when the players’ individual goals are being achieved in pursuit of the team goal. Sometimes you’ll hear this referred to as team chemistry. When the team chemistry is good, individual players tend to sacrifice some of their own goals for the benefit of the team.

The Marriage Team

In a marriage you are part of a team. The number of “players” on the team is reduced to two (well, usually. I suppose there are exceptions). In any case, whether you are in a traditional marriage or a member of a polygamist cult the same dynamic exists. Each person brings into the marriage their own individual goals, but the goals of the “team” are usually a bit murkier. The team goal is likely something like “I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you”. You may add things like starting and raising a family together, traveling a bit, or going for burgers every Friday.

And just like in a sports team, you will have the greatest success when the members of the team are able to work towards their personal goals while in pursuit of the team goal. When the team chemistry is good, it feel GREAT. You feel as though the other member completes you. As a couple (or group, not forgetting any polygamists out there) you are greater than the sum of your parts.

When Trouble Arises…

Let’s go back to sports for a moment…

Take any team in sports and look at their current seasons winning percentage compared to their winning percentages over a 10 to 15 year span. For some teams there are huge differentials, for others the differential is small. But the point is that teams have varying degrees of success. Being successful in the short term is difficult enough, building sustained success is much harder. Even the best teams will have ups and downs.

If a relationship is a form of team, why should anyone expect it to be different? When people say their wedding vows, there is usually some variation of “in good times and in bad times, in sickness and in health, till death do us part”. Right there in the vows, the couple is being warned “hey, this isn’t always going to be rainbows and butterflies”. Just like in sports you are going to have good days and bad, good stretches and bad.

It’s important to learn to deal with adversity because it WILL happen. It’s just a matter of when, and how severe will it be. I think people acknowledge that there will be ups and downs, but they don’t think they will be that bad. Or they think that somehow “we will be different, after all we love each other”.

In my marriage, we never really fought and I saw that as a sign of the strength of the bond we shared. One unfortunate side effect of that though was that it meant we never learned how to fight. We didn’t learn how to deal with adversity, so when it came it seemed insurmountable.

Dealing with Adversity

On really important thing to remember about adversity is that it’s not a bad thing, it’s a natural part of any relationship. When you are “in the moment” it can seem like the end of the world, but failure and adversity is really just an opportunity to learn, and improve.

There are a number of quotes on adversity, but here are two that I like:

Adversity is the test that you must pass on the path to accomplishing anything worthwhile

The strongest steel is forged in the hottest fire

Honestly, you don’t really learn that much about yourself and your relationship when things are going well. Problems can pull people apart but they can also bring them even closer together. In John Gottmans “7 Principals of Making Marriage Work” he says that how often a couple fights doesn’t tell him anything about their potential success. What is important is HOW people fight.

It’s not easy, but try to focus on the actual issues and not the person. Remember that words cannot be unsaid. Actions cannot be undone. The hurts you create in the heat of the moment can linger for a long time. People may forgive, but it’s harder to forget.

Setting Marriage Goals

One thing that helps a team get through adversity is the team goal. As I mentioned above, team goals for a marriage are usually not very clear. I don’t think may couples sit down and plan out their objectives, they are just assumed. And maybe that’s the problem.

In tough times couples NEED those common goals to hold things together. They need to know that there’s something to look forward to, some reason for them to remain together. But how do you do that when you aren’t really sure what those goals even are?

Here’s my suggestion:

Pick a “happy time” and sit down with your spouse to talk about what your goals are. What do you want to accomplish as a couple? You may be assuming they have the same goals as you, and hopefully most of them line up. But maybe some are different. Set some long and short term goals, and set them together. And then revisit them periodically.

Articulating those marriage goals will probably bring you a bit closer together. You may also find that there are some conflicts in your goals, but that’s fine. Coming across conflicts at a “happy time” will give you a chance to practice working through issues when you aren’t in the heat of a moment.

Those goals may just be the things you need to hold things together when adversity hits.

10Mar2014

Love vs. Romance

Posted in Love, Marriage, Relationships by zombiedrew2

One of the things that interests me the most about relationships is how they break down. Looking at divorce rates, it’s clear that a lot of them do. But why? What causes this breakdown? It’s not a simple answer, as there are many things that can contribute to relationships breaking down. One large contributor seems to be confusion about what romance is, and the difference between romance and love.

The Early Days of Love

In my last post (What is Love) I mentioned stages of relationships. There is a lot of writing on this topic, and although I haven’t seen a consensus (on how many stages there are or what they all are) one item of agreement is relationships start in the romance stage. This stage is sometimes called the discovery, passion or honeymoon stage, and is a stage of excitement. You are learning about each other, and everything is new.

Studies of this stage have found that neurochemicals are released that give people a drug like high. This high is believed to serve the evolutionary purpose of bringing people together to push the continuation of the species. Biological urges if you will. Thing is, this is a temporary stage. Your brain can’t produce those neurochemicals indefinitely, and will stop after anywhere from a few months to a maximum of around two years. It’s actually pretty fascinating stuff (read about it here if you are interested).

So when people talk about love as being like a drug, or people talk about being blinded by “love”, it’s true. Love, or at least the romance stage of it IS like a drug. The feelings are strong, and can be overpowering. The problem is, it’s just a stage and isn’t sustainable. And really, this stage is more lust and passion than real love.

Romance, Hollywood Style

Now here’s a problem; this stage is the way love is portrayed by Hollywood, television and in Romance novels. For some reason a lot of people buy into this notion of what love is, and think that if this stage passes it means there’s something wrong with the relationship, or with the person. One of the sites on stages of relationships summed this up nicely with the following quote:

One of the biggest illusions in our culture is that Romantic Love will last forever, if you just find the right partner

I can’t understand this. TV, movies and books are forms of entertainment and we know that. The purpose of entertainment is to make things, you know, entertaining. In the world as portrayed by Hollywood police officers are constantly in gun battles or car chases. Spies have crazy gadgets and regularly save the world. And the staff at your local hospital are all sleeping with each other and trading off partners every couple of weeks (plus almost everyone in the world is beautiful and fit). It’s escapism people, NOT REAL LIFE!!! So why do so many people buy into the Hollywood view of love? Even worse, why do people think something is wrong when their own life doesn’t measure up?

Look at this early stage of relationships and ask yourself this – is that REALLY what romance is about? Is romance just lust and uncontrollable desire? Personally, I say no. Yeah I get that the early stage is really exciting, and it feels great. But I don’t think that’s romance. As great as it is, I don’t think the feelings during that stage are even love.

Think about something you are passionate about. What does it mean when we say we are passionate about something? Being passionate about something means REALLY enjoying it, and having strong positive feelings for it. You can be passionate about all sorts of things: cooking, traveling, a sports team, whatever. When people talk about passion in a relationship it’s the same thing. You are passionate about the other person. They are very important to you, and you care greatly for them. Seeing them happy is a source of happiness for you.

I think romance is simply doing things to express that passion to the other person. What are you really doing when you buy someone flowers, or take them out on a date night? It’s not about the flowers or the night out, these are simply gestures to show someone that they are important to you. It doesn’t have to be material things, it can be something as simple as an email or a text telling them you love them, or asking about their day.

To me romance is about caring about them and valuing them. Be passionate about your spouse. Care about them, and SHOW them that. Everyone wants to know they are valued. Everyone wants to know they are loved.

Looking for love (in all the wrong places)

I started this by talking about why relationships break down, and I think this is key. Somewhere along the way (usually in long term relationships), we stop doing the little things that show the other person how much we value them. We may not completely stop, but we don’t do it as often. Maybe it’s the stresses of everyday life, jobs, parenting (which is a big one), balancing the budget or maintaining a household, I don’t know. But over time in most relationships I think people start to take each other for granted. It may not be intentional, but it happens all the same.

When this happens, I can see how relationships break down and affairs can begin. If you are in an unhappy spot and questioning your relationship, and then you encounter someone who makes you feel beautiful again? Makes you feel valued again? Well, those neurochemicals start can start to take over and next thing you know you are doing things you know are wrong, but you don’t care because you feel alive again.

Here’s something I hate about the Hollywood portrayal of romance – it glamorizes affairs. Let’s see if this sounds familiar – woman is in an “unhappy relationship”. She is neglected/unappreciated/whatever by her husband. She meets someone (probably a sensitive artistic type – let’s call him Artistic Joe) who fulfills her emotionally and they start a torrid love affair. There is something about the relationship that makes it so it won’t work out between them and they are forced to part ways. The woman goes on with her life, but knows that Artistic Joe was really her true love. Sigh, so romantic.

I want to see a slightly different version of this story where the affair becomes the new relationships. The new couple is happy at first, but then after 6 months to two years the love haze wears off and the person realizes that they’ve carried the same baggage that contributed to the failure of their previous relationship, and they are in the same boat as before and just as unhappy. Plus they’ve broken up a family in the process. Come on Hollywood, make my version – it’s got best picture written all over it!!!

Climbing Back Out

If you are someone who has found that your relationships don’t seem to last more than about 2-3 years, maybe it’s because what you are looking for isn’t sustainable. That’s not to say we shouldn’t all strive for more romance in our lives. We should. Lets face it, it feels great to know that you are loved, to know that you are valued. So why do so many of us let that slip? Are long term relationships incompatible with passion and romance? I don’t think so. It’s just that the nature of it changes somewhat.

I believe that in most troubled relationships both sides really do want things to work out. They just don’t know how. We just get into a hole so deep that things seem hopeless. Well just as the longest journeys begin with a single step, you need to start somewhere.

If you feel as though your significant other hasn’t done anything lately to show you that they care, ask yourself this – when was the last time YOU did something to show them how much you care? Don’t expect to receive and not have to give, it works both ways. Ladies, us guys want to feel loved too. Make your partner a priority and show them that you love them.

If it’s been while it may seem awkward at first, but stick with it. Don’t worry if your partner doesn’t return it right away. Just as seeing someone else laugh will usually make you at least smile, your actions are bound to have an effect. It’s a good way to take that first step. You may never reach that neurochemical induced high of the early days, but that is unsustainable anyhow. However just because that’s gone, it doesn’t mean you can’t still have a great future.

7Mar2014

What is Love?

Posted in couples, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Romance by zombiedrew2

One of the things that started this journey for me was being told by my wife that she never “truly” loved me. For anyone who has never been there let me tell you, that is NOT an easy thing to hear. Thinking about it, I realized I didn’t even understand what that meant? How can you love someone, but not “truly” love them? What exactly is love anyhow?

Trying to understand love, I found that I had more questions than answers. So if you are looking for a definition of something where do you turn? The internet of course!!!

First I looked at the Merriam-Webster definition of love, and then I looked at the Wikipedia description. Both Wikipedia and Merriam-Webster have a number of things in common, as the words affection, unselfish, devotion attraction and desire appear in both definitions. Both sources also mention different types of love.

Types of Love

Are there different types of love? I love my parents; I love my siblings, nephews and nieces. I love my friends, I love my children, and I love my wife. Are these loves all the same? Or are there actually different types and degrees of love? It seems pretty obvious that there are different degrees of love. I definitely have a different love for my children than I do for my friends, never mind my wife. But it also looks like there are commonalities across all the types of love as well.

Is love unselfish/selfless?

Do I have a sense of affection for all of them? Yes, I definitely do. Is it unselfish? That’s a tougher call. By selfish do you mean am I expecting anything back? Nothing material perhaps, but I think there is an expectation that love will be returned in some capacity.

For parents out there, here’s an experiment for you. Try not showing your children any affection for a few days, maybe a week, and see what happens (I suppose the experiment is age dependent, because if your children are teenagers they probably won’t notice – sigh). But if they are younger I suspect they will start to get confused, and hurt. They will realize something is wrong, and probably get anxious and scared. Alright, don’t ACTUALLY do this, as it would be cruel. But imagine it all the same, and I suspect you will agree with me.

The same happens with spouses. If there is a feeling that the love is one sided it can create a distance and will definitely put stresses on the relationship. So no, I don’t think love is necessarily unselfish. One of the stereotypes of men and women is that men are cold and women have more of a need for affection. Ladies, don’t believe it!!! Guys have the same emotions and feelings that you do. We may bottle them up a bit more, but we all need to feel loved. We all need to know that our spouse cares for us. When we stop feeling it? Well, that hurts, and that’s where all sorts of problems can begin.

A variation on unselfish is the idea of being selfless. I think being selfless means being able to put the needs of another before your own needs. There is definitely an element of that in love, especially when it comes to people who are truly dependent on you (such as children). As a parent, you definitely need to put the needs of your children before your own. And I guess that applies in all relationships. But it is not something that you should do all the time. You still need to make time for yourself as an individual, and be willing to put yourself first sometimes. So in love it seems you walk a fine line between putting the needs of your loved ones before your own when required, but still making time for yourself as an individual. I call this balancing the “we” with the “me”.

Devotion

How about devotion? I think this one is definitely true of love, there is a sense of devotion. I know that if any of my friends, family members, children or spouse needed me, I would always be there for them. And I know that those people would always be there for me if I needed them. I could call them any time of the day, and they would do their best to support me.

Desire

The last item in the common language list is desire. I’m assuming that desire here means physical attraction/sexual desire. This is one that is definitely NOT part of the common thread of different types of love. Hopefully no one desires their parents, children, siblings etc. Because, well, that would be a bit weird. And it just doesn’t seem right. Plus I’m pretty sure there are laws against that in some places. Hopefully they DO desire their spouse or significant other, though I suppose that level of desire can change over time.

Then there’s desire for friends. That’s a difficult one as I believe that is how many affairs start. Lots of relationships start with friendships, so yes I believe people can desire their friends. But doing so puts you in a position that can get you into a lot of trouble. So while it can happen, I strongly advise against it. To take that one step further, I think that BECAUSE it can happen, people should make a conscious effort to not become friends with a member of the opposite sex (or same sex I guess, lets just call it your gender of preference) that they find attractive or desirable. You can be friends with someone, but you need to be conscious that intimate sharing of emotions or feelings puts you at risk for having the friendship develop into something more (especially if your relationship is in a troubled place at the moment). Some people are cool with that, but for me monogamy is a big deal. I would prefer to not put myself in a situation that could develop into something more.

So far I figure affection and devotion are prerequisites of all forms of love. A degree of selflessness is also important, but you need to balance that with taking care of yourself as an individual.

Spousal relationships

How does a spousal relationship differ from any of the other ones? One of the differences is that is starts with some sort of attraction. A wise woman once told me that relationships often start with lust, and if you are lucky they will develop into love (thanks Mom!!!). Normally this is a physical attraction, but in the world of social media and online relationships, the attraction can also be more in how a person presents themselves in written form. This initial attraction (whatever its form) causes both parties to want to learn more about one another, and this early stage of a relationship is characterized by excitement. You are learning about the other person, and everything is “new”. There is usually an intimate sharing of experiences and beliefs, and this intimate sharing will naturally give rise to emotions.

As a side note, that is why this sort of intimate sharing with a friend that you find attractive is a big no-no to me. It puts you in a situation where things can easily develop into something more. People sometimes say that affairs “just happen”, I say that’s total crap. People make conscious decisions that put them in a position for affairs to happen. You actually want to stay true to your spouse? Don’t put yourself in that position!!! An affair starts at an emotional level before it becomes physical. And in some ways, the emotional side of an affair is harder to break than the physical. Anyhow, enough with the rant. Back to love, specifically love in spousal relationships…

This is where relationships get themselves into trouble. They start with the new and exciting. In the early stages there is no shortage of passion. And let’s face it, desire and lust can make you overlook some of the shortcomings of a relationship that may become evident later. This early courtship stage of a relationship is the way that relationships are portrayed in romance movies and books. But as much as both parties may want it to last, things can’t be “new” forever. So the same characteristics of love that you find in any loving relationship need to bloom. Genuine affection has to be there, as does devotion for each other and a degree of selflessness.

As the “new” wears off, the nature of love changes (look up “stages of relationships”, there’s tons of great material out there). But it’s important that both parties do things to try and keep the romance side of the relationship alive. This isn’t difficult in the early years, but once more time passes, and/or you add kids to the equation it becomes harder. There has to be legitimate effort made to keep things fresh, it is not something that will just happen on its own. A lot of couples likely fail at this, and I will include myself in those guilty of it.

So what does any of this really tell me about love? Well for starters love is complicated, there are many facets to it. I don’t pretend to understand it, but I do recognize that you can’t take it for granted. Love may start with passion and excitement, but to maintain it over time takes effort. People need to recognize that, and be willing to put in that effort to maintain it.

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