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Communication Breakdown

Posted in Communication, Communication Issues, couples, Happiness, Love, Relationship Help, Relationships by

communicate1

Communication is universally regarded as one of the most important aspects of any relationship, and it is also seen as one of the best indicators of long term success.

If you look up quotes on communication in relationships it’s amazing how many you’ll find. Here is one of my favorites:

Communication is the fuel that keeps the fire of your relationship burning, without it your relationship goes cold – William Paisley

Inherently we all know how important communication is. Yet I commonly hear people talk about how they aren’t able to communicate with their spouse. Well actually that’s not true. We’re always communicating even when no words are spoken. It’s just that we often do it poorly. So the question becomes why do so many of us communicate so poorly? To understand that, we have to understand a bit more about what communication is.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary provides the following definition for communication:

the act or process of using words, sounds, signs, or behaviors to express or exchange information or to express your ideas, thoughts, feelings, etc., to someone else

When people think communication, verbal is often the first thing that comes to mind. As the definition indicates though, communication is any form of expression. It can also be written communication, body language, and touch.

In a relationship I think body language and touch are the most important forms of communication. Sometimes you can say more with a smile, a hug, or a squeeze of the hand than any words can convey. And as I discussed in my post on sex, intimacy (which doesn’t just mean sex) is a special form of communication specific to relationships. It’s the thing that separates that special someone in your life from just another friend.

The Perfect World

What does communication look like in a perfect world? I think this sums it up quite nicely:

LoveandTrust

You can tell the other person anything without fear of ridicule or embarrassment. You can talk about anything, good things and bad. You can deal with conflict points together without either of you getting defensive or critical, because you know that you are doing it for the betterment of the relationship. Communication used this way lets you promote understanding of each other, and help strengthen your connection.

For this to happen you need to be in a situation where you have allowed all your walls to come down, and you have let the other person in completely (or at least as much as possible); and they have done the same with you.

And Now for a Dose of Reality

Of course in a perfect world I could eat chocolate all day while having the body of an Olympic gymnast. I would speak 10 languages and spend my days travelling the world with my family; going from villa to villa on our private jet. And perhaps I would spend my weekends roaming the countryside on my pet unicorn while figuring out the cure to cancer and how to create world peace. But sadly, perfection doesn’t exist.

You see, people have feelings and emotions, and sometimes the things that need to be said aren’t easy to hear. Not just that, but how you say something is just as important as what you say.

There’s an oft cited study that found the actual words used in verbal communication only make 7% of the message. The remaining 93% of the message comes from the tone of voice and body language used when conveying the message. Recent studies have found that the spoken words are closer to 30%, but even with the new numbers it’s clear that tone and body language are still really important.

When it comes to relationships, the point is that you have to be careful how you communicate. If you have a sensitive issue you want to discuss, it’s best to try to figure out what you want to say and try to do it rationally. When emotions are running high it’s very easy for the actual meaning to get lost in the emotion. When someone is in attack mode, it’s just human nature for people to withdraw, or get defensive.

In his book “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, Dr. John Gottman says that conflict is normal, and couples will fight. One of his findings is that there is no correlation between how frequently a couple fights and their level of marital success. What does have a strong link to marital success is HOW they fight. He calls criticism (where you attack their character), contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” for relationships. It’s important to try and find a way to communicate while keeping those to a minimum.

Barriers to communication

Beyond worrying about how you communicate, you also have to be conscious about various things that act as barriers to communication.

One of the biggest barriers is that we all interpret things through the filters of our own expectations and experiences. I’ve talked about this a bit in a prior post.

There are also theories that women and men simply communicate differently. One of the most common differences is the way men and women approach issues. Supposedly men interrupt more, have a harder time expressing gratitude and apologizing. Men also try to “solve” things while women often just want to be heard. This last one is wonderfully illustrated in the short film It’s not about the nail (If you haven’t seen the video, check it out. Seriously, it’s priceless). I’m not sure I buy into most of the gender differences, but I can definitely relate to that one.

I think it’s fair to say that communication is one of, if not THE most important aspects of a relationship. But there are many things that can make communication difficult. Because of this, perhaps the most important thing that you can do as a couple is work on your communication strategies on a daily basis, always striving to improve them.

Different people have different ways to communicate. Learn to understand your own preferred method of communication, and learn your partners. Come up with a way of communicating with each other that works for both of you, and spend the rest of your lives making this a priority. Communication is the lifeblood of your relationship, and without it your relationship will be at risk.

Communication breakdown

In the early days of relationship, communication seems to come easy. In those early days, although you may be talking, you are really in the stage that you are still learning about each other. Eventually there will come a point in time when you know the other person well enough that there is nothing new to tell.

Let’s face it, most of life is routine. For many years you wake up and get ready for work. In most cases your job is largely the same day to day, so the stories of “what did you do today dear?” really don’t change much.

If you add children to the relationship, by the time your work day is done and the children are in bed one or both or you are often exhausted. Many couples find that a number of years go by where they have had very little time to be a couple, and that can take a toll.

I was talking to a friend a few months back who has two primary school aged children. Often their couple time was limited to a few hours here and there when the kids were at a party or something, and they would use that time to run errands or catch up on things on their to do list. One day he decided that instead of that, they would go on a date. No errands, and no talking about the kids. They went out for dinner, and he found they didn’t really know what to do, or how to talk to each other. Their lives had been built around being parents for so long that they had lost sight of how to be a couple.

I think this is a common problem, and it’s a transition many parents go through when their kids get old enough that they are no longer completely dependent on them. For many couples this is a very difficult transition. Even without kids, it is something that most couples will face eventually. There simply comes a point in time where you know each other so well there isn’t a lot to say.

Because of this, it’s important that you never get so caught up in the routines of day to day life that you stop being a couple. Make each other a priority in your lives, and never stop talking. It’s important that each of you has your own interests to give your relationship space to grow, but you should also try to find an activity that you can do together (preferably one that gets you out of the house), and ensure you make that a priority.

Over time, routine will always set in. But set goals together and ensure you are working towards those goals. Never stop talking to each other, and letting each other into your hearts and souls. Sometimes silence is beautiful and peaceful. Like those times when you are side by side, and no words are needed. When you can say more with a simple look, or a squeeze of the hand then words could ever convey. Other times, silence can be deafening and be the most painful feeling there is.

In the words of Robert Smith of The Cure:

Side by side in silence
They pass away the day
So comfortable, so habitual…
And so nothing left to say

And side by side in silence
Without a single word…

It’s the loudest sound
It’s the loudest sound…

It’s the loudest sound I ever heard

Would You Be Your Friend?

Posted in Happiness, Identity, Individuality, Life, Love, Relationship Help, Relationships by

I’ve never reblogged something before, but I think this is important. It is a big part of what I was trying to get at in my Identity Crisis series of posts.

I really believe that when a relationship ends, frequently for the person who “fell out of love” the problem wasn’t the relationship, but it was that they didn’t love themselves enough to sustain a loving relationship.

Anyhow, read on. It’s pretty great.

heartbeatapp's avatarThe Fickle Heartbeat

would you be your friend

Shared by Michele Bolitho.

”

Think on this.

If I ask you what sort of a person you are, you may tell me: ‘I’m powerful. I’m thoughtful and kind.’ You effectively tell me you’re a good person.

Powerful. Thoughtful. Kind. This is what you want me to think of you. You want me to think of you as a person of value. You want me to think you’re ‘Worth it’. I may well do this. I may take your self-assessment on face value and don’t sense any deeper. That’s fine with me.

But are you being honest?

Powerful. Thoughtful. Kind.  How true is this? It may be the appropriate way you tell yourself to inter-relate with me but is this what you really think of yourself?

Yes, you are powerful because you are running your own life. Powerful is accurate as I see it, but do you think you are…

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Just Along for the Ride

Posted in couples, Happiness, Life, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help, Relationships by

Decision-Making-Strategies

A buddy of mine recently sent me a pretty interesting article on relationships.

The article talks about a study of couples that was done where they looked for a correlation between marital satisfaction and how couples handled relationship “milestones”. Here’s an explanation of what it means by milestones:

Every relationship goes through milestones, or transitions, that mark how serious the relationship is getting. Going on a first date is one; a first kiss is another. Other milestones might include the “define the relationship” talk—the moment a couple says they are actually a couple—sex, engagement, marriage, and children.

What they found was that there are couples who, as they put it, “slide through these milestones”; and there are couples who made conscious decisions on these milestones. Not surprisingly, the couples who made conscious decisions on the milestones reported a higher degree of marital satisfaction then the couples where things just kind of happened.

Happiness and Choice

If you’ve read any of my previous entries hopefully it’s clear that I believe life is all about choice. Life is a journey where we are faced with choices every step of the way. Some are small (what should I have for dinner tonight?), and others are a bit more significant (do I want to marry this person?). Some choices are easy, while others are very difficult to make. Each choice we make closes certain doors and opens other ones.

I believe one of the keys to happiness is being active in decision making. Sometimes you make good decisions, and other times you wish life had a rewind button. But as long as you have consciously made the decision, you own it, and it’s up to you to make the best of it. Because at the end of the day, the only person that you have control over is yourself.

One of the things I really like about the article is it suggest that when we actually put some thought behind “why” we do things, we are able to get more enjoyment out of things.

Think of marriage. Generally marriage is something that people do by choice. But what are the reasons behind the decision? Did you get married because you were pregnant, and felt you had to? Did you get married because you felt it was time to “settle down”? Or did you get married because you looked at your partner and you knew that you wanted to build your life around theirs?

All of those reasons result in marriage, but I think there is a big difference between wanting to be with someone, feeling that you probably should be with the person, or just not wanting to be alone. It stands to reason that doing something because you “want” it will result in more satisfaction then doing something because…

…well, just because.

Choosing Milestones

Something I’ve talked about before is that I don’t believe romantic love is really love. Romantic love as portrayed in poems and movies is a wonderful thing, but it’s really just the first stage of love and it’s largely a biochemical response. Real, mature love can only blossom after that infatuation stage has passed.

At that point love becomes a choice. Do you accept the other person as they are, flaws and all? Because they *will* have flaws, but you’ll be largely blind to them during the infatuation stage. Do you look at the positives, and value them for who they are, instead of who they aren’t?

Looking at the milestones listed earlier, only things like the first kiss and the first time you have sex seem like things that you shouldn’t plan. Somehow that seems a little bit too calculated. I can just picture it:

“So, we haven’t kissed yet. Do you think we should? Yes? Well upon contemplation I’m inclined to agree. What are your thoughts on tongue? No? Fair enough. Alright, let’s count to three and then do this.”

That’s probably not the way you want your first kiss to go, never mind the first time you have sex (at least not unless you are someone like Sheldon from “The Big Bang Theory”. In that case I could see the conversation).

But even for things like your first kiss and sex, you both should feel that you are at a place in your relationship where you are emotionally ready for it. You may not discuss it with each other, but you should at least have had the discussion with yourself. Those aren’t things you should be doing just because you feel you have to.

Placing Importance on the Relationship

One of the indicators of success in a relationship is the importance people place on the relationship itself. Especially when it comes to marriage, studies have shown that people who value the concept of marriage have both higher satisfaction and success in their marriages.

The article talks about the same sort of idea:

Deciding rather than sliding revolves around commitment. Not just to each other, but to the decision itself. Making a decision, research shows, sets individuals up for better follow-through.

I think this is all about buy-in. When you make a conscious decision to do something, you have a greater emotional investment in it. You have greater incentive in seeing it succeed.

Ultimately love is a choice, and commitment is a choice. In any long term relationship, there will be times when it is tested. When you are having a hard time liking each other, it’s hard to see why you should be committed to each other. But if you see the relationship as something larger than just the two of you, having commitment to your Commitment (capital “C”) can help you get through the tough times.

Meeting Someone New (while you still have someone old)

Posted in couples, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help, Relationships, Romance by

Couple

In addition to writing about love and relationships, I read a fair number of other articles and blogs about them. I’m always open to new ideas, and even if I don’t agree with someone it’s always interesting to read what other people think.

One thing I’ve noticed is that there are a surprising number of women blogging about how they are in a relationship, but they have met someone else and they have either started an affair or they are musing about whether or not they should leave their current relationship for the new one.

I’m not knocking women here, as I’m sure guys find themselves in these situations too. I just haven’t come across articles like that, or the guys just don’t write about it (in fact, I seem to be one of the few guys writing about relationships).

A common theme is that the new person excites them more, or they feel more valued or fulfilled by the new person. Often the person writing is convinced that the new person is a “better match” for them.

Reading the comments section, most readers advise the person to follow their heart, and do whatever it is that makes them happy.

Maybe I’m just jealous because my readers rarely comment (though I suppose I would actually need readers for that), but this stuff drives me crazy!!!

If you’ve read any of my previous entries, you know that I believe people give up on their relationships far too easily, often because they have focused on what they don’t have instead of appreciating what they do. In some ways this post is a bit of a recap of what has come before, but I think it warrants talking about one more time before I move on to different topics.

Purpose of Relationships

Relationships usually start by being all about you. Going into a relationship there are things you are looking for and things you want to get out of it. Why are we in relationships? There’s are all sorts of reasons, and here are a few of the common ones I’ve seen:

  • Loneliness. Don’t want to be alone.
  • Safety and security.
  • Emotional, and sexual fulfillment.
  • Want to have a family, and feel it’s best in a “stable” relationship

Pursuit of your own happiness is important, but the complexity of relationships is that they involve two people. In order to be successful they can’t be just about you, they have to grow into more than that.

They become a partnership where you are sharing your life with someone, so the other persons needs have to become as important as your own. Alright, let’s be honest here – people are inherently selfish so your own needs will always take precedence. But your partners needs have to be pretty high up there. Hopefully it’s fairly balanced, but it’s a pretty safe bet that there will be times where your needs and wants will have to take a backseat to your partners.

Your Favorite Movie

Think of movies (I would say books, but sadly few people seem to read anymore). There are lots of them out there, and everyone has their own tastes. You probably have a movie that you love, and go back to again and again.

When you watch a movie a second or third time you may gain a new appreciation for it as you may pick up on a few things that you didn’t notice the first time around. But after a few times there is nothing new. You still enjoy the story and appreciate it for what it is, but it won’t have the same excitement it did when it was new because you already know everything that’s going to happen.

Relationships are like that too. Part of the excitement in relationships comes from discovery. There comes a point where the mystery of learning the other person is gone, because you already know everything about that other person.

A problem is when this happens it’s very easy to get comfortable, and you tend to take the other person for granted (hopefully unintentionally). You still care for each other and enjoy each others company, but that magic from the early days is gone.

Excitement of “The New”

I opened this with a scenario where someone is in a committed relationship, yet they have either stepped out or are considering stepping out because they feel a connection to someone new.

I think the very nature of long term relationships makes this a risk. The excitement and energy of the early days of a relationship feels great, but it’s unsustainable over the long term. Eventually every relationship settles into certain patterns, or rhythms.

And guess what, as time goes on there is a chance that you will meet new people. They may be new co-workers, or friends of a friend. Being in a committed relationship doesn’t mean you don’t find other people attractive. So you meet someone new, and hey, they’re kind of cute. As you start to learn more about them you may start to feel some sort of connection (especially if your own relationship is in a rut). And depending on the state of your own relationship you may start to imagine what life “could be like”. Maybe life could be better with this other person?

If this happens, it’s important to remember that we are always drawn to the new. Is that person really a better match, or are you just starting to get lost in the discovery state? There is excitement in the unknown, because you can’t see it’s flaws. All you see are the possibilities and the potential. And the reality rarely matches our romanticized view of things. A new movie cannot be new forever.

Is Better Really Better?

Hopefully I’ve established that the new exciting person in your life might not actually be your soul mate (or at least a better match). Hopefully you can agree that maybe, just maybe it’s actually the lure of excitement that is attracting someone to the new person in their life.

Just for the sake of argument, lets say the new person really IS a better fit for you. To that I say, so what?
If you ever find yourself in that situation I would recommend you ask yourself to instead take a look at your existing relationship. Are you actually unhappy, or are you just in a rut? If you are unhappy, take a good look and ask yourself why?

There are a lot of reasons to be unhappy. They may have nothing to do with your current relationship. And if they do, they may be resolvable. For your current relationship there was something that drew you together in the first place. Go back, and explore that.

Depending on where you are at in a relationship, I really believe that the relationship becomes bigger than either individual. Yes, your happiness is very important, and I don’t believe people should ever “settle”.

But another perspective is that walking away from something because something else appears better sets you on a dangerous path. There will always be better. Perfection doesn’t exist. Sometimes it’s alright to say “there may be better, but what I have is enough”.

perfect-marriage

Keeping the Spark Alive

If you go back to my comparison between people and movies there is one big difference that I purposely left out. A movie is always the same (well, until they make a directors cut). But people are always growing, and changing. We aren’t constants. Sometimes we change in small ways, sometimes in larger ones. We are always having new experiences. In long term relationships I think a HUGE mistake couples make is that they fail to recognize that.

So if your relationship is in a rut and you are thinking of moving on to something new, take another look at what you have. Don’t assume that because you already know everything about someone there is nothing else to learn. Rediscover them. Grow with them. Learn each other, and continue to learn each other as your relationship grows. Allow yourself to continue falling in love with the same person over and over again as time goes by.

For any readers in long term relationships (I would define that as more than 2 years), I would love to hear from you. What are the things that have worked for you in “keeping the spark alive”? What do you do to continue to show your partner that you love them? What does your partner do for you that makes you feel loved?
You can either comment below or email me at thezombieshuffle@outlook.com. With any feedback, I would love to hear how long you’ve been together.

Love is not enough

Posted in Communication Issues, couples, Happiness, Life, Marriage, Relationship Help by

MarriageBusiness

A few years ago a family member approached me about a business idea, thinking that we could potentially do a side business together. I didn’t give it chance. I told him that I believed that family and business don’t mix. My worry was that it would change the nature of our relationship. We would have to wear two hats, one as friends/family, and the other as business partners; and those two things could potentially conflict. Sometimes you need to make a call that’s best for the business and it might not be what’s best for the relationship. So I figured to avoid the potential of hurt feelings (and damage to a relationship I valued) it would be best to just avoid the whole situation.

Looking back, I still stand by what I said and think my reasoning was correct. However I have come to realize that I was also incredibly naive.

The Marriage Business

In a marriage you and your spouse are essentially small business owners. Your “business” just happens to be the most important business there is, your lives, your family, and your future. You and your spouse need to be friends, confidants, lovers. But on top of that you are also business partners in a sense.

All the things I said above about business impacting relationships are still true. The interests of the relationship don’t always line up with the interests of the business (marriage). And yes, this will sometimes result in hurt feelings that can potentially damage the relationship.

I guess a part of me has always known this, but I’m only fully understanding it now. Better late than never I suppose.

Causes of Conflict

Do a web search for something like “sources of conflict in relationships” and you are bound to find some combination of the following. Every couple and every relationship is different, but it’s amazing how similar the issues we run into are. Not all of these will apply to every couple, but even for the closest relationships there’s a pretty good chance that you will find yourself nodding your head to at least the first four:

  • Money/Finances
  • Children (can be whether to have, or child rearing once you have them
  • Chores/Domestic Work
  • Sexual Expectations
  • Family (dealing with extended)
  • Elderly Parents (care of)
  • Life Priorities

At some point or another, we all have differences of opinion about these things, and nothing can drain energy out of a relationship quite like a struggle over them.

This is why communication is so important. It’s very important that both parties are on the same page for these things. It may not be possible to be completely on the same page, but at the very least couples should discuss these things and be sure that they understand each other.

CoupleConflict

I recently came across an article saying that couples should talk about all of these things before they get married, and I think that’s true. Depending on the age you were when you were married it’s possible that you may have. But it’s more likely that you didn’t. Either it never even occurred to you, or you thought you could “figure it out” as you went.

In addition to discussing these things, I think they are things couples should periodically revisit. Let’s face it, we all change, and our life situations change. In order to remain happy over the long term, it’s important that ensure that our expectations and understandings of each other in these potential conflict areas change along with us.

All You Need Is Love?

We all seem to grow up believing that when it comes to relationships, just like the Beatles song says, all you need is love.

Once you find that person that you connect with, and you find love, then things will work out. We will all have that beautiful, magical romance. One day it will culminate in marriage and we will drive off into the sunset, to live happily ever after.

Yes, we know that a lot of marriages don’t last, but maybe they were never “meant to be”, or maybe it wasn’t “true love”. This is where the glamorized Hollywood version of relationships fails us.

In one of my early posts I talked about the different stages of love. The Hollywood version of love charts the exciting times. It shows us the moment when people meet, when their eyes first make contact across a crowded room. It shows us the excitement as people start to learn about each other, and fall in love. It shows us the passion/infatuation stage, where they can’t get the other person out of their head and the connection is mostly physical. And it shows us the promises that this is real, and that they will always be together. Then the screen fades to black, as the couple drives off into that metaphorical sunset

Hollywood shows us the easy parts and the fun parts. We are led to believe that as long as we love each other, everything will work out.

I hate to say it, but the Beatles were wrong. Love is important, and you need it as a starting point. But love alone won’t get you though the conflicts and obstacles of life.

Redefining Love

The problem with the metaphorical sunset is that it’s not always sunny. There will be hard days. When no one is getting any sleep because the baby is crying or you are having a tough time making the mortgage payments, it’s easy to get frustrated with the other person.

All relationships have ups and downs, and the longer you are together the more “opportunities” you have for downs. Chances are, you will have times that your love is tested, and you may even question it. When this happens, what is the glue that holds people together?

Umm, well…

…actually it’s love.

I know, I know, I’m being contradictory here. I believe it IS still love that holds people together, but it’s not the Hollywood style romantic version of love that holds people together.

Just as people change over time, so does love. Personally, I think love strengthen and deepens over time. What starts as mostly a hormonal and biochemical response becomes something more. Commitment, trust, respect, devotion, caring, affection, intimacy (both physical and emotional), communication, compromise and understanding. These may not all be the stuff of poems, but they are the elements of “mature love”. And it is mature love that will give you the best chance to make it through the difficult times.

I guess the Beatles were right after all.

Disposable Love

Posted in Life, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help, Relationships by

A while back the keypad started to go on my microwave at home. First one number went, then a few months later another one, until finally I only had 2 or 3 working numbers. I have to tell you, it was REALLY annoying. I was coming up with all sorts of bizarre timing combinations in order to heat something up the way I wanted. Stuff like “Hmmm, I need to heat this for 90 seconds? Only my 3 key is working so I guess I’ll heat something up for 33 seconds 3 times, and take it out a bit early on the last time.” Yeah, it was a pain in the ass.

I talked to a buddy who is more mechanically inclined than I and he told me that for the cost of having someone come look at it and repair it I was better off getting a new one. Microwaves are pretty cheap, but I still felt guilty. The microwave itself worked perfectly fine, it was just the keypad that was broken. Yet off I went to an electronics disposal place with a microwave that was probably 90%-95% functional.

This happens all the time. What’s that, my printer isn’t working right? I guess I’ll get a new one. My couch is looking a bit tired? No problem, I’ll replace it. Issues with my camera? Ah, that one was 2 years old anyhow (gasp!!!), I can get a new one that will be WAY better, and have more features for less than it would cost to fix that one.

The Next Shiny Thing

It’s bad enough that we live in a world where it’s easier to throw things out than to fix them, but marketers have also been able to convince us that we need something new when the thing we have is still working perfectly fine.

Have you ever tried getting rid of a CRT television (tube TV)? Landfills are full of perfectly functioning ones, and no one wants them. You literally can’t give them away. Why? Because flat screen TV’s are the way to go. Heck, I know guys who had amazing TV’s and got rid of them to buy new ones because the refresh rate went from 60-120 MHZ. Any sort of feature rich gadgets are bad for this. There are probably massive landfills full of discarded mobile phones and computers/tablets.

Our society is insatiable, we are never satisfied with what we have and we always want more.

The Blame Game

Another societal shift seems to involve attitudes around responsibility. Maybe it’s always been this way, but it seems that in the past ten to twenty people have taken on the role of either passive observers or victims. Things happen, and it’s rarely our own fault. Instead, things happened because of this, or that.

North America has become infected with a litigation mentality. Late night television is full of commercials for “ambulance chaser” lawyers, telling you that all the bad things that happened to you aren’t your fault, and if you hire them they will get you money from the people who are REALLY to blame (If you’ve watched Breaking Bad, think of Saul Goodman – love that guy).

Impacts on Relationships

These attitudes have seeped into views of relationships. There seems to be a rise in the perception that problems in a relationship are unnatural, and that if a relationship is not perfect then it signifies that there is something inherently wrong with it. There is a romanticized notion that you don’t have to work at a relationship if you find “the perfect match”.

As a result people are throwing away relationships that are largely good, because they don’t want to put in the effort to work on the parts that need improving. It’s the same “disposable” attitude that occurs with consumer goods. Many people look at relationship problems and think they are unfix-able. Or they say “yeah I could fix this, but it would take a lot of effort. Besides, I can just get a newer model that’s faster, sleeker, shinier and has more features. It’s not worth the effort.” It’s too difficult to work on something and face the realities of how people got into the situation they are in. It is easier to just walk away.

I’m not suggesting that someone should stay in a relationship no matter what. But I do think that there are many relationships out there that are worth putting the effort in, worth fighting for. Yet many people can’t be bothered to put in the effort.

Instead of just landfills full of “stuff” our societies landscape has become littered with broken families, broken hearts, and lost hopes and dreams.

But He/She did it first!!!

A few months back I was listening to the radio on the way into work, and they were asking people to call in and share their thoughts on the following scenario:

The announcer had a friend who’s husband had an affair. The couple had worked through things and kept the marriage together. But now, the wife felt that because he had strayed she had a “free pass” to do the same.

I was disappointed (but not surprised) that callers largely backed the wife’s idea of having a free pass. Personally, I don’t get this. What the guy did was wrong, and it destroyed any sense of commitment and trust between the couple. For the couple to truly move forward, that commitment and trust needs to be rebuilt. I understand pain, anger and a sense of betrayal. But if your goal really is to move forward with the relationship, retaliation accomplishes nothing. If anything it’s counterproductive, as all it does is layer hurt upon hurt.

Taking Ownership

In my university days I remember a discussion on rights. It’s common to hear people talk about their rights – I have a right to this, I have a right to that!!! The professor of the class talked about how no one is ever entitled to anything, and rights come hand in hand with responsibilities. In order to claim a “right” FROM someone/something, I have certain responsibilities I must meet TO that someone/something.

I had never thought of it that way before but I loved it. Everything in life has a cost, and this applies to relationships too.

What is the “cost” in relationships? I think that’s an easy one. If you want to get anything out of a relationship, you need to be willing to put into it. In happy times, this exchange is easy and happens naturally. We want to please the other person and make them happy, so we do little things for them to show them we how much we care. And when we are giving of ourselves, we naturally receive in return.

This gets harder when times are tough. During these times we are less inclined to give of ourselves, and we can become suspicious when the other person does. Have you ever had a moment when someone was being nice to you, and you found yourself questioning what their angle was? “He bought me flowers? What did he do? What does he want?”

It’s easy to blame issues in a relationship on the other person. And realistically, there may be one person who owns a larger share of the blame for a distressed relationship. But there are still two people involved. Instead of looking at all the things the other person is or isn’t doing, people need to take a hard look in the mirror.

Take ownership of an issue. Instead of pointing a finger, ask yourself what you can do to help things. How can you help improve a situation?

Built to Last

Relationships require work. Many people say they know that, but don’t understand it and aren’t willing to put in the work when things get difficult. In a relationship, the only way forward is together. You need to communicate. You need to be able to put aside any hurt or resentment

This picture says it all:

MarriageLongevity

Our society is always looking for the quick solution, the easy way out. Think of all the diet fads that profess to allow you to eat all the foods you want and still lose weight. Think of all the get rich quick schemes. The people who market these things succeed because people don’t want to do the hard work. They want to believe there’s a magic wand out there that will make everything better.

Unfortunately there are no magic wands. Actually ever if there were, it wouldn’t matter. I’m a fan of the Harry Potter books and movies, and I’m reminded of a scene near the end of The Prisoner of Azkaban (my favorite book and film btw). There’s a scene where Harry believes something is going to happen, and he’s waiting for it. But at the last minute he realizes that nothing is going to happen, and he will have to take action himself. Even a magic wand is useless without a desire to facilitate change, and make things better.

Acceptance

All relationships hit “rough patches” eventually. And sometimes it can seem like things will never get better, and it’s easier to just walk away. But instead of looking for the “next shiny thing”, look at what you do have. Focus on the good that you do have, and see the difficult times as opportunities for improvement. In the long run, overcoming challenges together will only strengthen a relationship.

No relationships isn’t perfect. Sure it’s possible that there’s someone else out there you could be happier with. There will always be something newer, shinier, and with more features (so to speak). But does that matter? Look to work on improving what you do have, and accepting that it is “enough”.

You’re not alone (Identity Crisis – Epilogue)

Posted in Happiness, Identity, Individuality, Life, Relationship Help, Relationships by

The focus of my writing is relationships (specifically long term relationships), and the trials and tribulations they can run into. As my thoughts on relationships have evolved I have realized that beyond the interpersonal dynamics that come to play in a relationship, everything is still built on individuals.

In relationships the whole is often greater than the sum of the parts. But at the same time a chain is only a strong as its weakest link. Cliché? Sure. But that doesn’t make it any less true. When one person is going through a difficult time, the other person needs to step up and help them. One individuals problems affect the whole relationship, and can potentially destroy it. So for the health of both the relationship and the individual, it’s very important that the members of the relationship deal with their own issues.

HealYourself

Because of that, the last few weeks I’ve taken a bit of a step back and focused more on the individual. My last two entries have been about understanding who we are, and accepting ourselves for who we are. Today’s entry finishes off that line of thought with a few additional thoughts that didn’t quite fit anywhere else.

A Perfect World?

I would like to think I came from a pretty good home. I’m sure it was better than some and worse than others, but for me it was home. Back in my high school days I had a buddy who would hang out at my place (my parents place) all the time. One day when he was over, he witnessed some sort of a family blow up. I can’t remember the details, but as with any family it could have been any number of things. I do remember what came next though. In the awkward/embarrassed silence that followed, he turned to me and said

I always thought you had the perfect family, but yours is just as screwed up as mine.

Fast forward many years, and a few months back I was talking to another friend. His family is going through some very difficult times, and he needed to vent. You know how on a hot day when you look down a road into the distance you can see the heat radiating off of it? This was kind of like that; as he talked I could almost see the pain radiating off of him. When we parted we did one of those awkward half pat man-hugs, acknowledging that something significant had just passed between us, but we weren’t quite sure what to do about it. He thanked me, and told me that he was glad we talked because it’s been weighing him down and he doesn’t really have anyone else to talk to.

These stories illustrate two very important things to me:

  1. We tend to believe other people’s situations are better than our own. In reality, every person and every family has their own issues.
  2. When our own issues are weighing us down, we often feel alone.

Dealing with Pain

I have always considered myself a “strong” person, and believed I could deal with anything life threw at me. I have also always been fiercely independent, taking a sense of pride in the fact that I had been able to fairly successfully navigate the waters of life on my own.

When my life took its unexpected turn a few years back, all of that was tested. I found myself in waters I couldn’t navigate and I was flailing, drowning if you will. I was a basket case, and from day to day I had no idea how to cope. It was a difficult time, and thinking back what stands out the most is how alone I felt.

I knew I had people who I could turn to, but I didn’t even want to talk to my closest friends and family. I didn’t want to tell them what was going on. I was embarrassed by it. To tell people would be to admit it – to admit that I was a failure. So instead I tried to pretend nothing was happening. I got up every day and got ready for work. But now in addition to putting on my clothes I had to put on my fake smile, while inside of me everything felt broken.

Sharing Your Story

The first person I opened up to was my brother. He will probably always see me as the annoying little brother, but to me he’s always been an easy person to talk to and I’ve always known he would be there if I ever needed him. One of the things I remember from those early conversations is him telling me to make sure I had my support net – people I could talk to.

One of the next people I talked to was a close buddy. I felt guilty “dumping my issues” on him because I knew he was dealing with some fairly serious issues of his own. But something interesting happened. Although our situations were different, he could relate to everything I felt. All the emotions I was going through were things that he had gone through as well. And my opening up to him allowed him to open up to me as well. We talked, we laughed and we cried. But that opening up and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable was cathartic. And I would like to think it helped both of us.

Over time I opened up to more people and I was surprised by how common my story was, and by how many people were going through similar issues. One guy’s wife left him just after their first child was born because she found the role of wife and mother wasn’t quite what she expected and she wanted “to be free”, another guy found out his wife was having an affair after many years of marriage, and yet another was living in a marriage where he and his wife were nothing more than roommates anymore. The stories were different, but the pain was the same. So was the sense of isolation and the feeling of failure.

Knowing that other people were going through similar things didn’t change my situation, but it made me realize I wasn’t alone. And somehow that helped.

Struggling to Cope

About a year ago a co-worker killed himself, and it sent a wave of shock through my company. Suicide? The guy in question had always seemed so positive and happy. How could this happen? That got me wondering if he had also been getting dressed every morning and then putting on a smile, hiding the turmoil inside.

I didn’t know him well, and I don’t know what his support net was like. Maybe if there were more people he had been able to open up to, he would still be here today.

Suicide is pretty extreme, and I won’t pretend to know the specifics of his case. But I will say that everyone has their own ways of coping with things. Usually those approaches work for us and we are able to “get by”. But sometimes we face situations or issues where our coping mechanisms are no longer sufficient, and we don’t know what to do.

I’m guessing this is how a lot of addictions start, as they are ways to numb ourselves to the situations that we are facing. And this is also probably where mental health issues start to arise. I’m not a doctor, but from what I understand mental health issues often arise due to a traumatic event or prolonged periods of stress causing brain chemistry to change slightly, altering the way someone perceives the world.

When I was younger I would hear stories of people “snapping”, and having some sort of mental breakdown or psychotic episode. The person in question was always referred to as “going crazy”. The things that make the news are always the extreme cases, but like everything else it can happen to varying degrees.

We are all Damaged

Look around at the people you see on a day to day basis – your co-workers, friends, classmates, even your family. How well do you really know them? If you think back to my gemstone analogy, we only see certain aspects of people.

We choose which parts of ourselves we present to the outside world, and it stands to reason that the parts we show are the ones we are least likely to fear being judged on. Statistically speaking, some of the people you talk to every day are struggling with very real issues. Alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling problems, serious illness (both physical and mental) to themselves or a loved one, failing marriages…

…the list goes on. It is probably happening right in front of you, and you don’t see it. They come to work every day, putting on their smiles, and trying to mask the pain they feel inside.

Even for your closest friends and family, you may know them well but do you really know the intimate details of their lives? You may know their job, but do you know how much money they make? You see the material things that are on display like their clothes, their cars and their homes. But do you know what their level of debt is? You may see how they interact with their spouses in public, but does that really tell you how happy they are in their marriage? Sometimes people hear about a couple splitting up and it comes as a complete shock. Sometimes the first thought is “I thought they were happy together”. Even with our closest friends and family, we still choose which parts of our story we want to reveal.

In reality, we are ALL damaged in one way or another. All the people you see on a day to day basis have their own flaws and issues. Everyone has problems. Every relationship has problems.

And you know what? That’s okay. It doesn’t make us any better or worse than anyone else, it just makes us human.

There is a crack in everything.
That’s how the light gets in. – Leonard Cohen

Don’t Compare!!!

Going back to my buddy at the beginning, he knew all the details of his family but had a limited view of my family. Comparing them, he thought we were “perfect”.

It’s a difficult thing to do, but try not to compare yourself to others. Because really, it’s impossible to do an accurate comparison. You know all the details of your own life, but you don’t know the details of anyone else’s. Chances are some parts of their lives are better than yours, and other parts are worse. Everyone has problems. Perfection doesn’t exist.

It is especially damaging to compare relationships. You don’t know the details of someone else’s life. Chances are, it has problems too. Instead of focusing on what you are missing, it’s better to focus on what you can do to improve things.

Another common problem is comparing your current relationship to a previous one. There may be some things that were better before, but how much time has passed? Are you the same person you were then? Did you have the same responsibilities then that you do now?

If you are ever making comparisons about your life or your relationships to look at what is wrong, or missing, you are doing yourself and your relationship a great disservice. No good can ever come of it. You need to judge your situation on its own merits.

Look for the Positive

Accept that there will always be issues, and that life will always have disappointments. It’s easy for the “bad times” to overshadow the good, but instead of focusing on the negative focus on what is good in your life.

Remember that you aren’t alone. Everyone has issues, everyone has problems. I haven’t read the book “The Happiness Project” (it’s on my to-do list), but from what I know of it, it mirrors my personal philosophies. Happiness is a choice. Perhaps you can’t “make yourself be happy”, but at the very least you can influence your level of happiness by how you approach life.

Look for the positive in things. Instead of focusing on what is wrong, look at all the good around you. Take time out every day to appreciate what you have instead of focusing on what you don’t. Accept that problems and issues are normal, and that’s alright. Problems are simply opportunities for improvement.

If you have been set in a negative mind-set this sort of change isn’t easy, but it is possible. Make it part of your everyday life. It will feel forced at first, but over time it will become natural.

Identity Crisis Recap

As individuals we are all seeking happiness, fulfillment and belonging. We are social creatures, and it is through our relationships that we find these things.

We are constantly juggling many roles though, and sometimes it can feel overwhelming and we can feel lost. I’ve talked to many people who have spoken of how they lost their identity in their relationship/marriage. Or more accurately, they allowed their relationship to define their identity.

Your relationship should be important to you. I would argue that it, and the person you are choosing to be with should be the most important thing in your life. But they should never be the only thing. We are complex, and have many interests and needs. Always take time away from your spouse to pursue other interests. That time away is just as important for nurturing your relationship as the time you spend together.

Commit yourself fully to your relationship, body, mind and soul. Never hold back. This opening up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable allows you to maximize the satisfaction you can get out of the relationship. Yes, you will get hurt sometimes. But you will also be open to a level of connection that can’t be achieved if you build up walls to “protect yourself”.

In order to commit yourself fully to a relationship, you must first love yourself. Stop trying to play a role. No one is perfect, and that’s alright. You need to accept yourself as you are, and be able to say “I can always improve, but I am enough”.

Don’t compare yourself and your situations to others. Everyone has problems and everyone has issues. It’s part of what makes us human. In order to be happy, it’s important to focus on the positive and not the negative. Even problems are simply opportunities for improvement.

Lastly, when times are tough remember that you aren’t alone. Don’t be embarrassed to reach out and ask for help. Vulnerability isn’t a sign of weakness.

Accepting who you are (Identity Crisis pt. 2)

Posted in Happiness, Individuality, Life, Lifestyle, Love, Relationship Help, Relationships by

In the past few years I’ve read a lot of different relationship books, and most of them are psychology books. They tend to be factual and talk about the way people work, the way relationships work, positive and negative actions etc. They usually have quite a bit of valuable content, but honestly? Most of them are pretty damned boring to read.

Every relationship is different, so I don’t believe there is a “one size fits all” solution to relationship issues. So when reading something my approach has always been to see if anything resonates with me. If so, I try and adopt it. If not, I ignore it. A lot of the content in relationship books is just common sense – things that seem obvious. “be kind to your spouse”, “don’t sleep with other people” kind of stuff. But although obvious, they do talk about many traps that are easy to fall into if you aren’t careful. So sometimes getting a reminder of that “common sense” is beneficial.

The Gifts of Imperfection

The Gifts of Imperfection
Recently someone recommended I read “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brené Brown. I knew a little bit about what it was about, but I was still expecting more of the same old dry psychology texts with case studies. I ordered it online, and when it showed up I was a bit alarmed to see a “featured by Oprah” sticker on the cover.

Now, I don’t think I’ve ever even seen a full episode of Oprah. The only time I ever see daytime television is at the dentist’s office and the daytime television of choice there seems to be Springer or Dr. Phil (which is surprisingly entertaining).

Even if Oprah was on, usually I’m only half paying attention. It’s kind of hard to focus over the sound of the drill, polisher or questions/commentary from the dentist (side note – why do dentists talk to you while they work? Their freaking hands are in your mouth – It’s not as if you can respond!!!)

Anyhow, although I’ve never watched Oprah I have this image of her stuff as being all new age touchy-feely. Sure I spend a lot of time thinking and writing about relationships, and I’m relatively in tune with my emotions. But I’m still a guy. When I see a nail, I look for a hammer. I’m not sure if new age is really my thing.

But I bought the book, so I started reading. It opened with the following:

Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid but that doesn’t change the truth that I am worthy of love and belonging.

Wholehearted living is not a onetime choice. It is a process. In fact I believe it’s the journey of a lifetime.

I mentioned earlier that when I read something, I see if anything resonates with me. And I’ve gotta say, that opener hit home. I didn’t just read it, I felt it.

If you’ve read any of my prior posts you will know that I believe life is all about choice. Your outlook on life is up to you. Happiness is a choice that you make. Even love is a choice. Situations and problems don’t resolve themselves – we choose what actions we take (and doing nothing at all is also a choice). So that opening really spoke to me.

This wasn’t like most of the books I had read. And honestly, it wasn’t even a relationship book. It wasn’t all about facts, instead it was full of big ideas.

I’m Worthy Now

One of the keys of the book was the idea that we as people are worthy of love and acceptance today. Right now. Many people believe they are only worthy under certain conditions: If they could get a better job, if they could lose 10 lbs, if they could gain the approval of their parents, if they could…

…well, you get the idea. If maybe our situation was different, or we were something other than what we are right now. Part of it may be fear – oh I can’t do this because… But another part of it is that people often don’t feel they are “enough” and they think they need to be something more.

The message was that you need to accept yourself as you are and believe in yourself. You need to accept that although the person you are isn’t perfect, you are enough. Embrace yourself and accept yourself for who you are. That’s not to say we shouldn’t all strive for self improvement. But we should be accepted for who we are and not feel we need to fit some mold.

Perfection Doesn’t Exist

One of my mantras is that perfection doesn’t exist – it’s an ideal for us to strive towards. And I’ve always thought perfectionism was striving towards that ideal. Brené Brown has a different take though, and she sees perfectionism as a bad thing. According to her:

Perfectionism is not about achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfectly, look perfectly and act perfectly, we can avoid the pain of blame, judgment and shame.

Healthy striving focuses on you. It occurs when you ask yourself, “How can I improve?” Perfectionism keeps the focus on others. It occurs when you ask, “What will they think?”

This had never occurred to me, but I think it makes sense. A healthy approach to problems is that they are opportunities for improvement. But I’ve seen cases where people get really upset when one little thing goes wrong. Something may be going 98% right, and instead of appreciating how well things have gone I have seen people who place what appears to be an irrational focus on the 2% that went wrong.

Numbing Behaviors

In our search for worthiness, people have things they turn to when times are tough. Escapes that allow them to take the edge off any pain they may be feeling. The book talks about numbing behaviors, and defines them as any actions people take to avoid experiencing the pain of feeling unworthy. Addictions are the most common things people would think of as numbing behaviors, and they can be drugs, alcohol, gambling etc. But really, anything can be a numbing behavior. Books, TV, the internet, Facebook, video games, even exercise.

Everyone has their own outlets, their own escapes. Any of these escapes can become an addiction when someone turns to these behaviors frequently and compulsively. That makes sense, but here’s the part that I really thought was interesting. She goes on to state:

We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also number the positive emotions.

So when we turn to something to try and escape the lows points in life, at the same time we are dulling the enjoyment we can have, and limiting the high points in life.

Loving Yourself

Suffice to say, I enjoyed the book and thought it presented some really interesting ideas. The book was largely about learning to love yourself. In order to do that it says we need to:

Practice letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are. Embracing who we are means accepting that we are not perfect, loving ourselves for who we are

I think that self love and accepting who you are is very important. And the importance of it can be seen when you look at how it impacts us in relationships.

At one point in the book the question is raised – can you love others more than you can love yourself? Brené Brown never conclusively answers that question (she has some arguments for and against), but here’s my take on it:

I believe that to feel loved we need to believe we are accepted for who we are. But if you go back to the gemstone idea from my last entry, it’s not easy to say who we really are. We are a lot of different things. In that entry I mentioned that the people who are closest to us are able to see the most of us, and our spouse should be the person who is closest to seeing the whole person. Everyone holds back to some degree though. We all have parts of ourselves that we are embarrassed of or ashamed about, and we try to hold those back even from those closest to us.

Here’s the problem – if we don’t love ourselves we are liable to hold more of ourselves back from the relationship. This is kind of like the numbing behaviors from the book. If we try to numb the pain, we also numb the positive emotions. As we hold back from our relationship for whatever reason (maybe we are scared to not be accepted or we are scared to fail), then we are also limiting the happiness that we can potentially have in that relationship.

What we get out of our relationships is directly proportional to what we put in. So for the greatest level of fulfillment we need to commit ourselves fully, body and mind to the relationship. But in order to fully vest ourselves in the relationship, we first need to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with what we see. And that’s not always easy.

So today’s advice to anyone out there is quite simply, love yourself. Love yourself and accepting yourself for who you are, and work on loving yourself every single day. Accepting yourself for who you are isn’t the same as resignation that you can never change. It doesn’t mean you can’t improve the things that you aren’t happy about. But it does mean that you don’t believe you need to change those things in order to be happy.

Identity Crisis

Posted in Happiness, Individuality, Life, Lifestyle, Love, Relationships by

Have you ever felt lost, and wondered “who you really are?” I suspect all of us have an identity crisis at one point in time or another, a time in your life that you feel lost and are searching for “you”.

In many ways that’s what a mid-life crisis is. You hit a point that you realize “hey, I’m getting older here” and you question where you are in life, and the decisions that led you there. Some people are largely at peace with the choices they have made and the life they have built, so it doesn’t hit them very hard. Other people look at where they are and wish life came with a rewind button.

It can happen to anyone, at any point in time and it doesn’t matter how old you are. You can be closing in on retirement and still have days when you ask yourself what you really want to be when you grow up.

How do we find ourselves in these spots? How do we lose sight of who we are?

Playing Roles

A lot of it comes down to roles. Think of the different roles we play. We all take on a number of roles in our lives and these roles change and evolve along with us.

For family roles at first we are a child, sibling, grandchild, nephew or niece. Over time we may become a spouse, parent, son or daughter in law. To our spouses we are a friend, support, confidant and a lover.

If you are a parent, think of all the roles you play just with your children. You are a caregiver, teacher, friend, disciplinarian (both judge and jury). These roles can sometimes conflict too. You want to be a friend to your children, but when it’s time to be a disciplinarian that needs to trump the friendship.

I’m not trying to give an exhaustive list, but the point is that we are a lot of different things and different people see us in different ways.

If my parents look at me, they see the child that I will always be to them. I’ve been on my own now for longer than I lived with my parents; but although they know I am an adult and a parent to my own children, I am first and foremost their child and they will always see me that way.

Beyond these types of social roles, we develop different interests that in turn become roles for us. We become a musician, a dancer, an artist, an athlete. Even though we may not follow these things as a career we all have aspects of all of these within us (no matter what our aptitude for them is).

When we are younger, we probably dabble in a bit of everything while trying to find ourselves. Some people find their “calling”, other never do. Only a lucky few are able to base their careers off the things that truly interest them. Most of us continue to dabble in our interests on the side, while many of us stop working on that part of ourselves completely.

We play all these roles, and each of them comes with their own fears and insecurities. For example, it’s not really accurate to say that someone is a confident person. Maybe they are confident as an athlete, but terrified as a public speaker.

Gemstones

I was talking to a buddy about all these different roles we play and what they mean to who we really are, and he came up with a great analogy. His idea was that people are like cut gemstones (I’m not sure if it was really HIS idea, but it was the first time I heard it).

Think of a cut gemstone:

Cut Gemstone

Cut Gemstone Cross-Section

People are like this. We have all these different faces or surfaces – and the different surfaces represent different aspects of us. The roles we play, our interests, the sides of our personalities etc.

In our lives we encounter all sorts of different people, and each of those people only sees a part of us – a few aspects of us at a time. They are still “seeing us”, but they don’t see ALL of us. As the picture shows, a person can look different depending on which sides of them you are able to see.

The closer a person gets to you, the more of you they are able to see (which technically would be backwards for the gemstone analogy, but I’ll ignore that for now). Acquaintances only see a few aspects of you, while your closest friends will get to see more sides of you.

Depending on how much you are able to open up to other people, it’s possible that no one ever sees all of you. But you are still all of these different aspects (some of which may even conflict). To me this analogy really works.

So who is the “real” you? Is the real you the person your parents see? The one your children see? Your co-workers? Your friends? All of them are the real you – they are just different aspects of you.

What does this mean for relationships, and specifically for spousal relationships? There are two important things to take away from this.

Your spouse should be your best friend

First, your significant other should be the person who is closest to seeing the whole you. Interestingly, there may be a difference between men and women in this though. Many studies have shown that when asked who their best friend is, men are most likely to say their wives. Women on the other hand are most likely to name another female friend. As a guy, I buy into the notion that your spouse should be your best friend. They are the person you will hopefully spend the rest of your life with.

My dream is to grow old with my wife, and be able to walk hand in hand with her, laughing and loving one another each step of the way. Without being best friends I don’t see how that can happen.

You still need to be You

A while back I had a post that talked about the idea of a marriage box. The idea was that some people expect marriage to come with everything they need while in reality to you need to continue to grow and nurture your relationship. Just as some people expect marriage to give them everything they need, some people go into relationships expecting their spouse to be everything to them.

You hear stories all the time about people who start a relationship and then drop their friends. Their lives and their sense of identity become completely wrapped up in the marriage and in the other person. This is not a healthy approach to marriage.

Think of the gemstone analogy, people are complex and have many facets. The romantic notion of “you complete me” is somewhat true. Couples should be similar in some ways and complement each other in others. But no one person can meet all the different complex and conflicting needs – and we shouldn’t want them to.

Ever if one person could meet all of your needs it wouldn’t be healthy. Time apart and time with other friends is important to a relationship.

Here’s a quote I found (at this site) that I love:

As you give up those things you find fulfilling and important for the sake of the relationship, this places a tremendous burden on your spouse to fill the void of whatever you gave up. And this burden will create neediness and dependency, as well as resentment and boredom.

Every marriage needs space between the spouses. It is within this space that you find energy, passion, eroticism, quiet time, and personal fulfillment.

Balancing the “we” with the “me”

One place I disagree with the guy who wrote the above quote is that in the full article he says your spouse should not be your best friend, as he believes it’s damaging to the relationship. I believe your spouse “should” be your best friend, but they shouldn’t be your only friend.

While embracing being part of a couple (the “we”) it’s important not to lose sight of yourself (the “me”). This last part is where the struggle comes in. The things you did before you and your spouse met shouldn’t stop. They may not happen as often as you are now fitting someone new into your life, but they are part of what made you who you are. Giving that up is not only a disservice to yourself, but also to the long term health of your relationship (well, unless one your things was sleeping around, then ya it probably needs to stop).

Let’s say you love football and your spouse doesn’t. That’s fine – they don’t have to. It’s great if they show some interest in it, and maybe you will occasionally go to or watch a game with them. Your spouse showing an interest in football is really them showing an interest in you, and wanting to share things with you. But if you had friends that you watched football with before, that shouldn’t go away. And you shouldn’t feel like you need to bring your spouse all the time.

It’s important to find things that you can do together as a couple. And it is good to support your spouse in their interests that you don’t share. You need to find a way to balance “you” as an individual with “you” as part of a couple.

Remember though that time apart isn’t really time to be “you”. You are still you when you are with your spouse. Rather time apart is an outlet for different aspects of you. And this is needed in order for you to have the happiness and fulfillment required to allow your relationship to thrive.

Hmm, a hot-dog stand…

Posted in Happiness, Life, Love, Relationships by

I was talking with a buddy recently and the topic of marriage came up. He’s a young guy, in his late 20’s and is in a fairly new relationship. I can’t even recall how the topic of marriage came up, but we were talking about how marriage is supposed to be a lifetime commitment, and he wasn’t sure about that side of it. What he said about commitment really stuck with me. He said:

I don’t know man, forever is a long time. It’s like pizza. I love pizza, and I could happily eat it every day. But you know what? Sometimes I’ll be walking by a hot-dog stand and I’ll be thinking I could really go for a hot-dog right now. It doesn’t mean I like pizza any less, but sometimes that hot-dog looks really good.

We had a good laugh about it, and I have to admit the sight of a hot-dog stand now brings a smile to my face.

Today’s entry isn’t about sex, or infidelity (both are topics for another day). Rather it’s about the idea that committing to a lifetime of pizza is a sacrifice, except of course I’m not really talking about pizza.

*** Side note – as a heterosexual male the imagery of craving a hot dog once in a while instead of pizza doesn’t quite sit right. I can’t really think of any foods that look like female genitalia though, so maybe a melon stand instead? That doesn’t quite work as I can’t say that I really see many melon stands around. If I lived in Florida maybe, but I don’t.
Sigh.
Oh well, it was my buddies analogy anyhow and I’m just rolling with it.

Living in dreamland

We never got into the specifics of his concerns, but on the surface it seemed my buddy was talking about sex. I mean, he is a guy in his late 20’s – so a pretty high percentage of his conscious thought process likely revolves around sex. But is that really what it’s about?

Let’s say you’re in a long term relationship with someone. Now let’s say you notice someone else (you’re walking by the hot-dog stand). I get noticing the other person, sure. You may think to yourself – damn, he/she is hot. And sure, your mind may wander into the realm of fantasy, I get that too.

I’m not sure how your relationship “restricts you”. Does it restrict you from noticing and appreciating other people? No, of course not. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you’re dead. Just because you notice someone else doesn’t mean that you find your spouse any less desirable or love them any less.

*** Side note 2 – I’m not suggesting that you gawk or anything, and it’s probably not a good idea to say “Honey, did you see the body on her? DAAAAAAMMMMNNNN!!!!”. Be respectful.

The only thing your relationship really restricts you from doing is going and messing around with another person. Is that really such a terrible thing? It’s not as if all the beautiful people you see day to day look at you and are immediately overcome with desire for you, and then proposition you for sex.
Maybe that happens in TV and movies, but it sure hasn’t been my experience in life (I suppose it could just be me though).

*** Side note 3 – This may be just a male/female difference. I’ve often believed that if a guy goes to a bar looking for sex, he may or may not find it. If a girl does to a bar looking for sex she will have a lineup out the door and around the building, and it doesn’t matter how nice she is or what she looks like. Sorry ladies, it doesn’t actually mean the guy gives a crap about you. We’re just wired differently.

Even if life did involve a trail of beautiful people chasing after you propositioning you for sex, so what? If you take them up on it would that really make you happier? Would that make you feel less restricted by a relationship? While acknowledging that this has never happened to me, I have my doubts.

The real issue here is that some people feel threatened by commitment because they perceive it as representing a loss of freedom.

Loss of freedom

Do relationships really restrict someone’s freedom? Yeah of course they do. The question becomes what is it restricting you from and is that really a bad thing? The way I see it a relationship restricts you from starting another relationship with someone else at the same time, or from engaging in casual sex on the side. Beyond that, a relationship means that you need to make time in your life for another person, and take them into consideration in the decisions you make. You can’t just focus on “you” all the time.

Ask yourself, is anyone truly “free”? No, there are restrictions on freedom everywhere. That what laws are about – they put parameters on behaviors that are acceptable within society. No one is truly free. You may have the freedom to do what you want, but it comes with consequences.

If I walk into a store and take what I want without paying for it I get arrested. If I don’t show up to work because I don’t feel like it, I may lose my job. If I don’t pay my mortgage the bank will take my house. Everything I do is a decision, and decisions have consequences.

*** side note 4 – There are extremes where relationships do involve a loss of freedom. You see stories of relationships where one person (usually the guy sadly) controls all aspects of the other persons life. What they wear, what they can do, etc. That kind of loss of freedom is abuse, and bad news.

Being part of a team

Have you ever heard that saying that “work isn’t work when you love what you are doing”? I feel the same way about the sacrifices involved in a relationship. Sure you lose a bit of freedom, and you can’t just do whatever you want anymore (not that you ever truly could).

These “restrictions” a relationship puts on you are also one of the strength of a relationship. Guess what, your life isn’t just about you!!! You have gone from being solely a “me” to being part of a “we”. Sure there are things you give up, but what you get in return more than outweighs what you lose.

There’s a sense of fulfillment and a sense of belonging. Knowing that you have someone who you can count on, and knowing the same person can count on you. Being able to look forward to a future with someone, knowing that no matter what life throws at you, you will always be committed to each other. Being able to work towards goal together and support each other in those goals that you don’t share.

Instead of viewing a committed relationship as restrictive, I think of it as freeing. Life isn’t just about what is in it for you, it’s also about what you are able to give. And how better to give, than to share your life with another person.