Tag Archives: Individuality

The Pursuit of Happiness

Posted in Happiness, Identity, Individuality, Life, Relationships by

happiness

Are you happy? We all want to be happy, and we are all deserving of happiness.

Previously I’ve touched on what I believe happiness is. Unfortunately, happiness is not like a switch, where you are either happy or you aren’t. It’s more like a sliding scale where you can fall anywhere on the spectrum between happiness and unhappiness. But it’s complicated further because there are different areas in your life where you can be happy, and chances are good that you land on different spots in the “happiness spectrum” in each of those areas.

Think of some of the main areas of your life. I’m guessing most of us break our lives down into something like the following:

  • Committed relationship (spouse or partner)
  • Immediate families (parents, siblings, children, grandchildren)
  • Extended families
  • Social Networks (friends and acquaintances)
  • Jobs
  • Personal interests/hobbies
  • Additional organizations/memberships

Those are the first things that came to my mind, and you can add and subtract from that list in whatever way best applies to you. If you think of all the different roles that you play, you can have a different level of happiness in each of them. For example, you may not be happy in your job (which will affect your overall level of happiness), but still consider yourself happy.

Looking at the different roles that you play, how can you really measure happiness? If you are largely happy, or at least content, then it’s probably not something you even think about as it’s just a natural state.

The Search for Happiness

If you characterize yourself as an unhappy person, it seems obvious that you need to do something about it.

FindingHappiness

It’s clear that you need to change something. But what should you change? It’s probably best to try changing the “small” things first. Maybe take up a new hobby, or join a club or a team. If there are people in your life that are bringing you down, try talking to them about it, and if that doesn’t work spend less time with them. The same applies to family.

But what if it’s something bigger, like your job or your relationship with your partner/spouse? If you aren’t happy in your job, you can (and perhaps should) change your job. If it’s your relationships, then there are some bigger questions to answer. A few posts back I talked about questioning your relationship, so I won’t go over that again (in summary you either communicate and try to work on things or you move on).

One problem is that people who are in search of happiness often don’t know how to go about trying to achieve it. To make matters worse, they often go about searching for it in the wrong way.

There are countless cautionary tales of people who have embarked on self destructive behaviors, or made questionable life choices in the pursuit of happiness. In the search of happiness people often start engaging in activities either to make them “feel good” or to mask the pain of the unhappiness they feel.

Things like shopping, comfort eating, gambling or sex become outlets that give them a bit of a high. People may also turn to an actual high through drugs and alcohol. A more recent trend is turning to social media, and measuring happiness by the number of friends, likes, or complimentary remarks to posts.

Unfortunately these things are only temporary fixes, ways of numbing the pain and emptiness that they are feeling inside. They are like putting a band-aid on a gaping wound. And guess what? In most circumstances these people don’t actually end up any happier.

Happiness comes from within

One of the most difficult things about the search for happiness is that there is no magic pill; and you can’t “find it”. All the money and fame in the world can’t make someone happy. Just think of all the rich and famous people who make the news for things like addictions, behavioral issues or even suicide. Nothing can “make you happy”, you have to find it within yourself.

One problem with the pursuit of happiness is that I believe people aren’t actually pursuing happiness. They are really looking for meaning and fulfillment. There is a correlation between happiness and meaning, as people who find meaning in their lives generally are people who would describe themselves as happy (or at least leaning towards happiness on the happiness spectrum).

Ideally you find meaning in all aspects of your life – your committed relationship, your family, your social networks, job, and your personal interests. The reality is, very few people have a job that they love. Hopefully you find some fulfillment in your job, but many people find themselves in jobs that they don’t like, and they stay due to complacency and/or a need to pay the bills. Sometimes it’s worth taking a pay cut to find something more fulfilling, but if you have dependents then it’s easy to feel “stuck” in your job.

If you aren’t happy in one aspect of life (such as your job) it becomes especially important to find meaning in other areas. One of the most common areas that people neglect is their personal interests, and self nurturing. We all have talents and interests and it is important to take some time out for ourselves to nurture these. Often this involves engaging your creative side, such as music, art, writing, crafts, mechanical “tinkering” or cooking. It could also be things like volunteering, joining a sports team, or taking up some sort of regular activity.

I read somewhere that taking me time is necessary, as it provides the space needed to allow your relationships to flourish and grow. Without it you unfairly put all of your needs on your partner, and that holds them to a standard that they will never be able to meet.

That’s true, but there are different types of me time, and it is important that you choose things that provide meaning and help “feed your soul”. Taking time to watch your favorite TV show is great, and we all do it. But it doesn’t exactly provide the sort of fulfillment that will improve your happiness. Doing things to improve yourself is one of the best ways to provide meaning, and help build happiness from within.

happiness-is

Appreciation

In the workplace, employers have found that salary increases are ineffective tools for employee retention. Similar to drugs and alcohol from above, the effects are short lived. When someone gets a raise, they have an initial moment of excitement at the increased pay. But after a few pay periods that new pay becomes their norm. Unfortunately it is human nature to take the things we have for granted, and we do this in all aspects of our lives.

I live in Canada, and Canada is often cited as one of the best countries in the world by various measures. Wikipedia states that it “ranks among the highest in international measurements of government transparency, civil liberties, quality of life, economic freedom, and education, and stands among the world’s most educated countries”. Sounds great right? And it is. But it’s also been my home for my whole life so it is my norm, and as a result I often don’t appreciate it for what it is.

When I finished university I went on a trip to Vietnam, and I stayed with a family in Ho Chi Mihn city (the locals still call it Saigon) for a month. It was an incredible experience and it was the first time I had ever left North America. There were good and bad moments on the trip, but they were all new experiences and I loved every minute of my trip. Well, maybe not every minute. Getting into an argument with a customs agent because I refused to pay a bribe and almost missing my flight home wasn’t so great. But that’s a whole other story.

One of the most important things about my trip was that when I returned it gave me a different point of reference and allowed me to see Canada in a different light. It allowed me to truly appreciate my home in a way that I never would have had I not gone on the trip.

Another moment that made me appreciate things in a different way was an early experience as a new dad with my son. I’ll never forget the first time I took him for a walk in the neighborhood. He had just turned one, and was still a little unsteady on his feet. It was summer, and it was his first time exploring the outside world. Everything was new to him and we had to stop everywhere. He’s ten now, but I can still picture the sheer joy on his face as he touched and played with grass, felt the texture of the bark on trees and watched ants walking down the sidewalk. I picked some up and let them walk on his arms (which was cute, until he tried to eat them). He even explored the cracks in the concrete of the sidewalk. It took us almost an hour to make it two houses down, but it was a beautiful magical hour.

I looked at the yard and I saw grass that needed to be cut and weeds that needed to be pulled. Looking at the sidewalk I saw the cracks as flaws, signs that the concrete would need to be repaired or replaced. My son saw those things, and I won’t pretend to know what was going through his head (he was one). But from his expressions, it was wonderment. For him the world was shiny and new, and experiencing it with him allowed me to see the world that way again. I had forgotten the beauty that we have all around us, and stopped seeing it. All I saw were the flaws and the work that needed to be done. That day my little man taught me a lesson I have tried hard not to forget.

Relationships and Appreciation

As we age we lose that innocence and we fail to appreciate the little things in life. We have all this beauty and wonder around us all the time. We have people who love us. And we don’t even see it or appreciate it. We take for granted what we have.

We stop to see the good because it has been right in front of us for so long that is has become our norm. Once that has become our norm, we don’t appreciate it and instead we see the problems and the flaws.

If you talk to counselors or look at relationship books, one of the most commonly prescribed things is to try to focus on the positive. They will tell you to do things like make lists of the positives in a situation or a relationship and remind yourself of them.

This is all about looking at what you have and trying to appreciate it again. Rather than focusing on the positive I think it’s more accurate to say that this is trying to find again the positive that we have taken for granted over time.

I generally focus on relationships, but I believe this applies to all aspects of your life. Chances are there is a lot of good that you simply have lost the ability to see.

Finding Inner Peace

People do deserve to be happy, and by no means am I suggesting that people should stay in relationships or jobs that make them unhappy. People should be free to pursue interest that make them happy, and be around friends that bring them joy.

But sometimes we have simply lost the ability to see what has been around us the whole time. Sometimes instead of seeing the good all we are seeing is the cracks, and the flaws.

Change can be very positive. But sometimes it can’t be undone. If you are unhappy and looking to make changes in your life, first look at the things you have in your life and try to see them in with new eyes. Try to appreciate the good and the wonder in the things in your life. Try to see the world through the eyes of a child again.

If you are a parent, think back to the wonder your children showed as they first explored the world. If you aren’t a parent then find a kid between one and two that you can borrow for a while. Just make sure you get permission first (local law enforcement tends to frown upon it if you don’t).

If you can’t do that, just go out on your own and slow down. Take your time to look at things again for the first time. Feel the texture of the grass, and the bark of the trees. Don’t eat the bugs though, because that’s pretty gross.

You won’t necessarily “find” happiness, but you can try to take pleasure in the little things in life and try to let happiness in again.

Would You Be Your Friend?

Posted in Happiness, Identity, Individuality, Life, Love, Relationship Help, Relationships by

I’ve never reblogged something before, but I think this is important. It is a big part of what I was trying to get at in my Identity Crisis series of posts.

I really believe that when a relationship ends, frequently for the person who “fell out of love” the problem wasn’t the relationship, but it was that they didn’t love themselves enough to sustain a loving relationship.

Anyhow, read on. It’s pretty great.

heartbeatapp's avatarThe Fickle Heartbeat

would you be your friend

Shared by Michele Bolitho.

”

Think on this.

If I ask you what sort of a person you are, you may tell me: ‘I’m powerful. I’m thoughtful and kind.’ You effectively tell me you’re a good person.

Powerful. Thoughtful. Kind. This is what you want me to think of you. You want me to think of you as a person of value. You want me to think you’re ‘Worth it’. I may well do this. I may take your self-assessment on face value and don’t sense any deeper. That’s fine with me.

But are you being honest?

Powerful. Thoughtful. Kind.  How true is this? It may be the appropriate way you tell yourself to inter-relate with me but is this what you really think of yourself?

Yes, you are powerful because you are running your own life. Powerful is accurate as I see it, but do you think you are…

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You’re not alone (Identity Crisis – Epilogue)

Posted in Happiness, Identity, Individuality, Life, Relationship Help, Relationships by

The focus of my writing is relationships (specifically long term relationships), and the trials and tribulations they can run into. As my thoughts on relationships have evolved I have realized that beyond the interpersonal dynamics that come to play in a relationship, everything is still built on individuals.

In relationships the whole is often greater than the sum of the parts. But at the same time a chain is only a strong as its weakest link. Cliché? Sure. But that doesn’t make it any less true. When one person is going through a difficult time, the other person needs to step up and help them. One individuals problems affect the whole relationship, and can potentially destroy it. So for the health of both the relationship and the individual, it’s very important that the members of the relationship deal with their own issues.

HealYourself

Because of that, the last few weeks I’ve taken a bit of a step back and focused more on the individual. My last two entries have been about understanding who we are, and accepting ourselves for who we are. Today’s entry finishes off that line of thought with a few additional thoughts that didn’t quite fit anywhere else.

A Perfect World?

I would like to think I came from a pretty good home. I’m sure it was better than some and worse than others, but for me it was home. Back in my high school days I had a buddy who would hang out at my place (my parents place) all the time. One day when he was over, he witnessed some sort of a family blow up. I can’t remember the details, but as with any family it could have been any number of things. I do remember what came next though. In the awkward/embarrassed silence that followed, he turned to me and said

I always thought you had the perfect family, but yours is just as screwed up as mine.

Fast forward many years, and a few months back I was talking to another friend. His family is going through some very difficult times, and he needed to vent. You know how on a hot day when you look down a road into the distance you can see the heat radiating off of it? This was kind of like that; as he talked I could almost see the pain radiating off of him. When we parted we did one of those awkward half pat man-hugs, acknowledging that something significant had just passed between us, but we weren’t quite sure what to do about it. He thanked me, and told me that he was glad we talked because it’s been weighing him down and he doesn’t really have anyone else to talk to.

These stories illustrate two very important things to me:

  1. We tend to believe other people’s situations are better than our own. In reality, every person and every family has their own issues.
  2. When our own issues are weighing us down, we often feel alone.

Dealing with Pain

I have always considered myself a “strong” person, and believed I could deal with anything life threw at me. I have also always been fiercely independent, taking a sense of pride in the fact that I had been able to fairly successfully navigate the waters of life on my own.

When my life took its unexpected turn a few years back, all of that was tested. I found myself in waters I couldn’t navigate and I was flailing, drowning if you will. I was a basket case, and from day to day I had no idea how to cope. It was a difficult time, and thinking back what stands out the most is how alone I felt.

I knew I had people who I could turn to, but I didn’t even want to talk to my closest friends and family. I didn’t want to tell them what was going on. I was embarrassed by it. To tell people would be to admit it – to admit that I was a failure. So instead I tried to pretend nothing was happening. I got up every day and got ready for work. But now in addition to putting on my clothes I had to put on my fake smile, while inside of me everything felt broken.

Sharing Your Story

The first person I opened up to was my brother. He will probably always see me as the annoying little brother, but to me he’s always been an easy person to talk to and I’ve always known he would be there if I ever needed him. One of the things I remember from those early conversations is him telling me to make sure I had my support net – people I could talk to.

One of the next people I talked to was a close buddy. I felt guilty “dumping my issues” on him because I knew he was dealing with some fairly serious issues of his own. But something interesting happened. Although our situations were different, he could relate to everything I felt. All the emotions I was going through were things that he had gone through as well. And my opening up to him allowed him to open up to me as well. We talked, we laughed and we cried. But that opening up and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable was cathartic. And I would like to think it helped both of us.

Over time I opened up to more people and I was surprised by how common my story was, and by how many people were going through similar issues. One guy’s wife left him just after their first child was born because she found the role of wife and mother wasn’t quite what she expected and she wanted “to be free”, another guy found out his wife was having an affair after many years of marriage, and yet another was living in a marriage where he and his wife were nothing more than roommates anymore. The stories were different, but the pain was the same. So was the sense of isolation and the feeling of failure.

Knowing that other people were going through similar things didn’t change my situation, but it made me realize I wasn’t alone. And somehow that helped.

Struggling to Cope

About a year ago a co-worker killed himself, and it sent a wave of shock through my company. Suicide? The guy in question had always seemed so positive and happy. How could this happen? That got me wondering if he had also been getting dressed every morning and then putting on a smile, hiding the turmoil inside.

I didn’t know him well, and I don’t know what his support net was like. Maybe if there were more people he had been able to open up to, he would still be here today.

Suicide is pretty extreme, and I won’t pretend to know the specifics of his case. But I will say that everyone has their own ways of coping with things. Usually those approaches work for us and we are able to “get by”. But sometimes we face situations or issues where our coping mechanisms are no longer sufficient, and we don’t know what to do.

I’m guessing this is how a lot of addictions start, as they are ways to numb ourselves to the situations that we are facing. And this is also probably where mental health issues start to arise. I’m not a doctor, but from what I understand mental health issues often arise due to a traumatic event or prolonged periods of stress causing brain chemistry to change slightly, altering the way someone perceives the world.

When I was younger I would hear stories of people “snapping”, and having some sort of mental breakdown or psychotic episode. The person in question was always referred to as “going crazy”. The things that make the news are always the extreme cases, but like everything else it can happen to varying degrees.

We are all Damaged

Look around at the people you see on a day to day basis – your co-workers, friends, classmates, even your family. How well do you really know them? If you think back to my gemstone analogy, we only see certain aspects of people.

We choose which parts of ourselves we present to the outside world, and it stands to reason that the parts we show are the ones we are least likely to fear being judged on. Statistically speaking, some of the people you talk to every day are struggling with very real issues. Alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling problems, serious illness (both physical and mental) to themselves or a loved one, failing marriages…

…the list goes on. It is probably happening right in front of you, and you don’t see it. They come to work every day, putting on their smiles, and trying to mask the pain they feel inside.

Even for your closest friends and family, you may know them well but do you really know the intimate details of their lives? You may know their job, but do you know how much money they make? You see the material things that are on display like their clothes, their cars and their homes. But do you know what their level of debt is? You may see how they interact with their spouses in public, but does that really tell you how happy they are in their marriage? Sometimes people hear about a couple splitting up and it comes as a complete shock. Sometimes the first thought is “I thought they were happy together”. Even with our closest friends and family, we still choose which parts of our story we want to reveal.

In reality, we are ALL damaged in one way or another. All the people you see on a day to day basis have their own flaws and issues. Everyone has problems. Every relationship has problems.

And you know what? That’s okay. It doesn’t make us any better or worse than anyone else, it just makes us human.

There is a crack in everything.
That’s how the light gets in. – Leonard Cohen

Don’t Compare!!!

Going back to my buddy at the beginning, he knew all the details of his family but had a limited view of my family. Comparing them, he thought we were “perfect”.

It’s a difficult thing to do, but try not to compare yourself to others. Because really, it’s impossible to do an accurate comparison. You know all the details of your own life, but you don’t know the details of anyone else’s. Chances are some parts of their lives are better than yours, and other parts are worse. Everyone has problems. Perfection doesn’t exist.

It is especially damaging to compare relationships. You don’t know the details of someone else’s life. Chances are, it has problems too. Instead of focusing on what you are missing, it’s better to focus on what you can do to improve things.

Another common problem is comparing your current relationship to a previous one. There may be some things that were better before, but how much time has passed? Are you the same person you were then? Did you have the same responsibilities then that you do now?

If you are ever making comparisons about your life or your relationships to look at what is wrong, or missing, you are doing yourself and your relationship a great disservice. No good can ever come of it. You need to judge your situation on its own merits.

Look for the Positive

Accept that there will always be issues, and that life will always have disappointments. It’s easy for the “bad times” to overshadow the good, but instead of focusing on the negative focus on what is good in your life.

Remember that you aren’t alone. Everyone has issues, everyone has problems. I haven’t read the book “The Happiness Project” (it’s on my to-do list), but from what I know of it, it mirrors my personal philosophies. Happiness is a choice. Perhaps you can’t “make yourself be happy”, but at the very least you can influence your level of happiness by how you approach life.

Look for the positive in things. Instead of focusing on what is wrong, look at all the good around you. Take time out every day to appreciate what you have instead of focusing on what you don’t. Accept that problems and issues are normal, and that’s alright. Problems are simply opportunities for improvement.

If you have been set in a negative mind-set this sort of change isn’t easy, but it is possible. Make it part of your everyday life. It will feel forced at first, but over time it will become natural.

Identity Crisis Recap

As individuals we are all seeking happiness, fulfillment and belonging. We are social creatures, and it is through our relationships that we find these things.

We are constantly juggling many roles though, and sometimes it can feel overwhelming and we can feel lost. I’ve talked to many people who have spoken of how they lost their identity in their relationship/marriage. Or more accurately, they allowed their relationship to define their identity.

Your relationship should be important to you. I would argue that it, and the person you are choosing to be with should be the most important thing in your life. But they should never be the only thing. We are complex, and have many interests and needs. Always take time away from your spouse to pursue other interests. That time away is just as important for nurturing your relationship as the time you spend together.

Commit yourself fully to your relationship, body, mind and soul. Never hold back. This opening up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable allows you to maximize the satisfaction you can get out of the relationship. Yes, you will get hurt sometimes. But you will also be open to a level of connection that can’t be achieved if you build up walls to “protect yourself”.

In order to commit yourself fully to a relationship, you must first love yourself. Stop trying to play a role. No one is perfect, and that’s alright. You need to accept yourself as you are, and be able to say “I can always improve, but I am enough”.

Don’t compare yourself and your situations to others. Everyone has problems and everyone has issues. It’s part of what makes us human. In order to be happy, it’s important to focus on the positive and not the negative. Even problems are simply opportunities for improvement.

Lastly, when times are tough remember that you aren’t alone. Don’t be embarrassed to reach out and ask for help. Vulnerability isn’t a sign of weakness.