Category Archives: Romance

Meeting Someone New (while you still have someone old)

Posted in couples, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help, Relationships, Romance by

Couple

In addition to writing about love and relationships, I read a fair number of other articles and blogs about them. I’m always open to new ideas, and even if I don’t agree with someone it’s always interesting to read what other people think.

One thing I’ve noticed is that there are a surprising number of women blogging about how they are in a relationship, but they have met someone else and they have either started an affair or they are musing about whether or not they should leave their current relationship for the new one.

I’m not knocking women here, as I’m sure guys find themselves in these situations too. I just haven’t come across articles like that, or the guys just don’t write about it (in fact, I seem to be one of the few guys writing about relationships).

A common theme is that the new person excites them more, or they feel more valued or fulfilled by the new person. Often the person writing is convinced that the new person is a “better match” for them.

Reading the comments section, most readers advise the person to follow their heart, and do whatever it is that makes them happy.

Maybe I’m just jealous because my readers rarely comment (though I suppose I would actually need readers for that), but this stuff drives me crazy!!!

If you’ve read any of my previous entries, you know that I believe people give up on their relationships far too easily, often because they have focused on what they don’t have instead of appreciating what they do. In some ways this post is a bit of a recap of what has come before, but I think it warrants talking about one more time before I move on to different topics.

Purpose of Relationships

Relationships usually start by being all about you. Going into a relationship there are things you are looking for and things you want to get out of it. Why are we in relationships? There’s are all sorts of reasons, and here are a few of the common ones I’ve seen:

  • Loneliness. Don’t want to be alone.
  • Safety and security.
  • Emotional, and sexual fulfillment.
  • Want to have a family, and feel it’s best in a “stable” relationship

Pursuit of your own happiness is important, but the complexity of relationships is that they involve two people. In order to be successful they can’t be just about you, they have to grow into more than that.

They become a partnership where you are sharing your life with someone, so the other persons needs have to become as important as your own. Alright, let’s be honest here – people are inherently selfish so your own needs will always take precedence. But your partners needs have to be pretty high up there. Hopefully it’s fairly balanced, but it’s a pretty safe bet that there will be times where your needs and wants will have to take a backseat to your partners.

Your Favorite Movie

Think of movies (I would say books, but sadly few people seem to read anymore). There are lots of them out there, and everyone has their own tastes. You probably have a movie that you love, and go back to again and again.

When you watch a movie a second or third time you may gain a new appreciation for it as you may pick up on a few things that you didn’t notice the first time around. But after a few times there is nothing new. You still enjoy the story and appreciate it for what it is, but it won’t have the same excitement it did when it was new because you already know everything that’s going to happen.

Relationships are like that too. Part of the excitement in relationships comes from discovery. There comes a point where the mystery of learning the other person is gone, because you already know everything about that other person.

A problem is when this happens it’s very easy to get comfortable, and you tend to take the other person for granted (hopefully unintentionally). You still care for each other and enjoy each others company, but that magic from the early days is gone.

Excitement of “The New”

I opened this with a scenario where someone is in a committed relationship, yet they have either stepped out or are considering stepping out because they feel a connection to someone new.

I think the very nature of long term relationships makes this a risk. The excitement and energy of the early days of a relationship feels great, but it’s unsustainable over the long term. Eventually every relationship settles into certain patterns, or rhythms.

And guess what, as time goes on there is a chance that you will meet new people. They may be new co-workers, or friends of a friend. Being in a committed relationship doesn’t mean you don’t find other people attractive. So you meet someone new, and hey, they’re kind of cute. As you start to learn more about them you may start to feel some sort of connection (especially if your own relationship is in a rut). And depending on the state of your own relationship you may start to imagine what life “could be like”. Maybe life could be better with this other person?

If this happens, it’s important to remember that we are always drawn to the new. Is that person really a better match, or are you just starting to get lost in the discovery state? There is excitement in the unknown, because you can’t see it’s flaws. All you see are the possibilities and the potential. And the reality rarely matches our romanticized view of things. A new movie cannot be new forever.

Is Better Really Better?

Hopefully I’ve established that the new exciting person in your life might not actually be your soul mate (or at least a better match). Hopefully you can agree that maybe, just maybe it’s actually the lure of excitement that is attracting someone to the new person in their life.

Just for the sake of argument, lets say the new person really IS a better fit for you. To that I say, so what?
If you ever find yourself in that situation I would recommend you ask yourself to instead take a look at your existing relationship. Are you actually unhappy, or are you just in a rut? If you are unhappy, take a good look and ask yourself why?

There are a lot of reasons to be unhappy. They may have nothing to do with your current relationship. And if they do, they may be resolvable. For your current relationship there was something that drew you together in the first place. Go back, and explore that.

Depending on where you are at in a relationship, I really believe that the relationship becomes bigger than either individual. Yes, your happiness is very important, and I don’t believe people should ever “settle”.

But another perspective is that walking away from something because something else appears better sets you on a dangerous path. There will always be better. Perfection doesn’t exist. Sometimes it’s alright to say “there may be better, but what I have is enough”.

perfect-marriage

Keeping the Spark Alive

If you go back to my comparison between people and movies there is one big difference that I purposely left out. A movie is always the same (well, until they make a directors cut). But people are always growing, and changing. We aren’t constants. Sometimes we change in small ways, sometimes in larger ones. We are always having new experiences. In long term relationships I think a HUGE mistake couples make is that they fail to recognize that.

So if your relationship is in a rut and you are thinking of moving on to something new, take another look at what you have. Don’t assume that because you already know everything about someone there is nothing else to learn. Rediscover them. Grow with them. Learn each other, and continue to learn each other as your relationship grows. Allow yourself to continue falling in love with the same person over and over again as time goes by.

For any readers in long term relationships (I would define that as more than 2 years), I would love to hear from you. What are the things that have worked for you in “keeping the spark alive”? What do you do to continue to show your partner that you love them? What does your partner do for you that makes you feel loved?
You can either comment below or email me at thezombieshuffle@outlook.com. With any feedback, I would love to hear how long you’ve been together.

What is Love?

Posted in couples, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Romance by

One of the things that started this journey for me was being told by my wife that she never “truly” loved me.  For anyone who has never been there let me tell you, that is NOT an easy thing to hear.  Thinking about it, I realized I didn’t even understand what that meant?  How can you love someone, but not “truly” love them?  What exactly is love anyhow?

Trying to understand love, I found that I had more questions than answers.  So if you are looking for a definition of something where do you turn?  The internet of course!!!

First I looked at the Merriam-Webster definition of love, and then I looked at the Wikipedia description.  Both Wikipedia and Merriam-Webster have a number of things in common, as the words affection, unselfish, devotion attraction and desire appear in both definitions.  Both sources also mention different types of love.

Types of Love

Are there different types of love? I love my parents; I love my siblings, nephews and nieces. I love my friends, I love my children, and I love my wife. Are these loves all the same? Or are there actually different types and degrees of love? It seems pretty obvious that there are different degrees of love. I definitely have a different love for my children than I do for my friends, never mind my wife. But it also looks like there are commonalities across all the types of love as well.

Is love unselfish/selfless?

Do I have a sense of affection for all of them?  Yes, I definitely do.  Is it unselfish?  That’s a tougher call.  By selfish do you mean am I expecting anything back?  Nothing material perhaps, but I think there is an expectation that love will be returned in some capacity.

For parents out there, here’s an experiment for you.  Try not showing your children any affection for a few days, maybe a week, and see what happens (I suppose the experiment is age dependent, because if your children are teenagers they probably won’t notice – sigh).  But if they are younger I suspect they will start to get confused, and hurt.  They will realize something is wrong, and probably get anxious and scared.  Alright, don’t ACTUALLY do this, as it would be cruel.  But imagine it all the same, and I suspect you will agree with me.

The same happens with spouses.  If there is a feeling that the love is one sided it can create a distance and will definitely put stresses on the relationship.  So no, I don’t think love is necessarily unselfish.  One of the stereotypes of men and women is that men are cold and women have more of a need for affection.  Ladies, don’t believe it!!!  Guys have the same emotions and feelings that you do.  We may bottle them up a bit more, but we all need to feel loved.  We all need to know that our spouse cares for us.  When we stop feeling it?  Well, that hurts, and that’s where all sorts of problems can begin.

A variation on unselfish is the idea of being selfless.  I think being selfless means being able to put the needs of another before your own needs.  There is definitely an element of that in love, especially when it comes to people who are truly dependent on you (such as children).  As a parent, you definitely need to put the needs of your children before your own.  And I guess that applies in all relationships.  But it is not something that you should do all the time.  You still need to make time for yourself as an individual, and be willing to put yourself first sometimes.  So in love it seems you walk a fine line between putting the needs of your loved ones before your own when required, but still making time for yourself as an individual.  I call this balancing the “we” with the “me”.

Devotion

How about devotion?  I think this one is definitely true of love, there is a sense of devotion.  I know that if any of my friends, family members, children or spouse needed me, I would always be there for them.  And I know that those people would always be there for me if I needed them.  I could call them any time of the day, and they would do their best to support me.

Desire

The last item in the common language list is desire.  I’m assuming that desire here means physical attraction/sexual desire.  This is one that is definitely NOT part of the common thread of different types of love.  Hopefully no one desires their parents, children, siblings etc.  Because, well, that would be a bit weird.  And it just doesn’t seem right.  Plus I’m pretty sure there are laws against that in some places.  Hopefully they DO desire their spouse or significant other, though I suppose that level of desire can change over time.

Then there’s desire for friends.  That’s a difficult one as I believe that is how many affairs start.  Lots of relationships start with friendships, so yes I believe people can desire their friends.  But doing so puts you in a position that can get you into a lot of trouble.  So while it can happen, I strongly advise against it.  To take that one step further, I think that BECAUSE it can happen, people should make a conscious effort to not become friends with a member of the opposite sex (or same sex I guess, lets just call it your gender of preference) that they find attractive or desirable.  You can be friends with someone, but you need to be conscious that intimate sharing of emotions or feelings puts you at risk for having the friendship develop into something more (especially if your relationship is in a troubled place at the moment).  Some people are cool with that, but for me monogamy is a big deal.  I would prefer to not put myself in a situation that could develop into something more.

So far I figure affection and devotion are prerequisites of all forms of love.  A degree of selflessness is also important, but you need to balance that with taking care of yourself as an individual.

Spousal relationships

How does a spousal relationship differ from any of the other ones?  One of the differences is that is starts with some sort of attraction.  A wise woman once told me that relationships often start with lust, and if you are lucky they will develop into love (thanks Mom!!!).  Normally this is a physical attraction, but in the world of social media and online relationships, the attraction can also be more in how a person presents themselves in written form.  This initial attraction (whatever its form) causes both parties to want to learn more about one another, and this early stage of a relationship is characterized by excitement.  You are learning about the other person, and everything is “new”.  There is usually an intimate sharing of experiences and beliefs, and this intimate sharing will naturally give rise to emotions.

As a side note, that is why this sort of intimate sharing with a friend that you find attractive is a big no-no to me.  It puts you in a situation where things can easily develop into something more.  People sometimes say that affairs “just happen”, I say that’s total crap.  People make conscious decisions that put them in a position for affairs to happen.  You actually want to stay true to your spouse?  Don’t put yourself in that position!!!  An affair starts at an emotional level before it becomes physical.  And in some ways, the emotional side of an affair is harder to break than the physical.  Anyhow, enough with the rant.  Back to love, specifically love in spousal relationships…

This is where relationships get themselves into trouble.  They start with the new and exciting.  In the early stages there is no shortage of passion.  And let’s face it, desire and lust can make you overlook some of the shortcomings of a relationship that may become evident later.  This early courtship stage of a relationship is the way that relationships are portrayed in romance movies and books.  But as much as both parties may want it to last, things can’t be “new” forever.  So the same characteristics of love that you find in any loving relationship need to bloom.  Genuine affection has to be there, as does devotion for each other and a degree of selflessness.

As the “new” wears off, the nature of love changes (look up “stages of relationships”, there’s tons of great material out there).  But it’s important that both parties do things to try and keep the romance side of the relationship alive.  This isn’t difficult in the early years, but once more time passes, and/or you add kids to the equation it becomes harder.  There has to be legitimate effort made to keep things fresh, it is not something that will just happen on its own.  A lot of couples likely fail at this, and I will include myself in those guilty of it.

So what does any of this really tell me about love?  Well for starters love is complicated, there are many facets to it.  I don’t pretend to understand it, but I do recognize that you can’t take it for granted.  Love may start with passion and excitement, but to maintain it over time takes effort.  People need to recognize that, and be willing to put in that effort to maintain it.