Category Archives: Love

Just Along for the Ride

Posted in couples, Happiness, Life, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help, Relationships by

Decision-Making-Strategies

A buddy of mine recently sent me a pretty interesting article on relationships.

The article talks about a study of couples that was done where they looked for a correlation between marital satisfaction and how couples handled relationship “milestones”. Here’s an explanation of what it means by milestones:

Every relationship goes through milestones, or transitions, that mark how serious the relationship is getting. Going on a first date is one; a first kiss is another. Other milestones might include the “define the relationship” talk—the moment a couple says they are actually a couple—sex, engagement, marriage, and children.

What they found was that there are couples who, as they put it, “slide through these milestones”; and there are couples who made conscious decisions on these milestones. Not surprisingly, the couples who made conscious decisions on the milestones reported a higher degree of marital satisfaction then the couples where things just kind of happened.

Happiness and Choice

If you’ve read any of my previous entries hopefully it’s clear that I believe life is all about choice. Life is a journey where we are faced with choices every step of the way. Some are small (what should I have for dinner tonight?), and others are a bit more significant (do I want to marry this person?). Some choices are easy, while others are very difficult to make. Each choice we make closes certain doors and opens other ones.

I believe one of the keys to happiness is being active in decision making. Sometimes you make good decisions, and other times you wish life had a rewind button. But as long as you have consciously made the decision, you own it, and it’s up to you to make the best of it. Because at the end of the day, the only person that you have control over is yourself.

One of the things I really like about the article is it suggest that when we actually put some thought behind “why” we do things, we are able to get more enjoyment out of things.

Think of marriage. Generally marriage is something that people do by choice. But what are the reasons behind the decision? Did you get married because you were pregnant, and felt you had to? Did you get married because you felt it was time to “settle down”? Or did you get married because you looked at your partner and you knew that you wanted to build your life around theirs?

All of those reasons result in marriage, but I think there is a big difference between wanting to be with someone, feeling that you probably should be with the person, or just not wanting to be alone. It stands to reason that doing something because you “want” it will result in more satisfaction then doing something because…

…well, just because.

Choosing Milestones

Something I’ve talked about before is that I don’t believe romantic love is really love. Romantic love as portrayed in poems and movies is a wonderful thing, but it’s really just the first stage of love and it’s largely a biochemical response. Real, mature love can only blossom after that infatuation stage has passed.

At that point love becomes a choice. Do you accept the other person as they are, flaws and all? Because they *will* have flaws, but you’ll be largely blind to them during the infatuation stage. Do you look at the positives, and value them for who they are, instead of who they aren’t?

Looking at the milestones listed earlier, only things like the first kiss and the first time you have sex seem like things that you shouldn’t plan. Somehow that seems a little bit too calculated. I can just picture it:

“So, we haven’t kissed yet. Do you think we should? Yes? Well upon contemplation I’m inclined to agree. What are your thoughts on tongue? No? Fair enough. Alright, let’s count to three and then do this.”

That’s probably not the way you want your first kiss to go, never mind the first time you have sex (at least not unless you are someone like Sheldon from “The Big Bang Theory”. In that case I could see the conversation).

But even for things like your first kiss and sex, you both should feel that you are at a place in your relationship where you are emotionally ready for it. You may not discuss it with each other, but you should at least have had the discussion with yourself. Those aren’t things you should be doing just because you feel you have to.

Placing Importance on the Relationship

One of the indicators of success in a relationship is the importance people place on the relationship itself. Especially when it comes to marriage, studies have shown that people who value the concept of marriage have both higher satisfaction and success in their marriages.

The article talks about the same sort of idea:

Deciding rather than sliding revolves around commitment. Not just to each other, but to the decision itself. Making a decision, research shows, sets individuals up for better follow-through.

I think this is all about buy-in. When you make a conscious decision to do something, you have a greater emotional investment in it. You have greater incentive in seeing it succeed.

Ultimately love is a choice, and commitment is a choice. In any long term relationship, there will be times when it is tested. When you are having a hard time liking each other, it’s hard to see why you should be committed to each other. But if you see the relationship as something larger than just the two of you, having commitment to your Commitment (capital “C”) can help you get through the tough times.

Sorry about the Affair, it “Just Happened”

Posted in Affairs, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help, Relationships, Sex by

cheating2

Affairs. Cheating. Adultery. Infidelity. It doesn’t matter what you call it, it happens with an alarming frequency. If you look up statistics the numbers you find will be all over the map. But based on the numbers I’ve read, 20-25% of women, and 30-40% of men will have an affair during a marriage or other committed relationship. Even plus or minus 10%, those are staggering numbers.

Of all the issues a couple can run into, nothing is as damaging as an affair. Often they signal the point of no return for the couple. Relationships are built on trust and mutual caring and respect; and affairs tear those foundations down. Even when relationships are able to rebuild and recover after an affair, the landscape of the relationship has fundamentally shifted. As the saying goes, you can forgive, but you never forget.

Types of Affairs

In a prior post, I talked about types of sex. There’s sex as the physical act and intimate sex, where it goes beyond the physical act and is also an emotional connection. Similarly I see two types of affairs. For lack of a better term I’ll just call them “sex affairs” and “love affairs” (if anyone has better names let me know).

Sex affairs are purely about sex. This may be one night stands, or it could be a recurring sexual relationship where there are no expectations beyond the physical side of things.

Love affairs go beyond the physical. There is actual connection between the two people and they want to see each other for more than just sexual gratification.

Sex releases oxytocin, which helps facilitate feelings of trust and attachment and build connection. So sex affairs can develop into love affairs, because the sex can lead people to believe they have fallen in love with someone just based off of the sexual connection.

Although there are differences between the types of affair, there are also similarities. In both cases, the person engaging in the affair knows they are doing something “wrong”, but they figure it is alright as long as they don’t get caught. Some people get away with it for years. Sometimes their partners find out but turn a blind eye to it. Other times their partners find out and they confront the person. When forced to confront the affair, either to themselves or to their partner (when they are caught) the offender often has all sorts of reasons and excuses as to why they did it.

Rationalizations

From various relationship books, articles, blogs, and the comment sections on blogs I’ve seen many different rationalizations given for why people have affairs. I don’t believe I have ever been the “victim” of an affair, but I feel strongly about commitment and that causes me to have pretty strong feelings on affairs (you’ve been forewarned). Here are some of the common rationalizations I have seen, and my thoughts on them …

It just happened
Really? Things like that don’t “just happen”.

Imagine you are out for a walk. While walking you trip, and another person sees you falling and tries to catch you. Now let’s also imagine that while you are falling there is some strange wind vortex that causes both of your clothes to come off and at the same time makes it so instead of the person catching you with his/her hands they catch you with their genitals. Oh yeah, they also happen to catch you on your genitals, causing to two of you to get tangle up by the genital area. Then, in the process of trying to untangle yourselves the wind pushes you back together repeatedly until one or both of you orgasm. Under those circumstances I suppose yes, it could have “just happened”.

But there are a fair number of events that have to happen in a certain sequence in order for this to take place. Is it possible? Anything is *possible*, so I guess so. Is it probable? Maybe I’m crazy here, but I’ve got to say no. So no, I don’t think “it just happened” is really a viable rationalization.

It didn’t mean anything
This one is a bit better, as the person is partially taking ownership of the issue. They are acknowledging they made the decision to cheat. But they are saying it’s alright, because it didn’t mean anything. “Oh yeah, I did have sex with another person. But don’t worry, because I didn’t actually care about them. It’s really you that I care about”.

It didn’t mean anything? Umm, yeah, actually it did. The affair may not have meant anything with regards to their feelings for the other person. But it meant a lot in terms of showing how they value their partner. It meant they put their own personal desires above the commitment of the relationship. It meant commitment is something they feel they can turn on or off as it suits them.

Affairs are Romantic
Of all the rationalizations I’ve seen this one is my personal favorite. When I’m picturing a romantic setting I tend to visualize things like a candle lit dinner to the backdrop of soft music. Or holding hands and walking down the beach during sunset. Or even just curling up with my partner and simply enjoying their presence.

Maybe my thinking just isn’t as progressive as it could be, but for some reason the prospect of having sex with someone other than the person I am currently in a committed relationship with doesn’t qualify as romantic (even if it is done by candlelight, on a beach at sunset).

I suspect the person just had a poor choice of words, and what they really meant was affairs are exciting. That I can kind of understand.

As a kid I remember sneaking a peek at my Christmas presents. My brother showed me a technique where I would cut the tape on one side of the present, open it to see what it is, and then just cover it over with another piece of tape. I was often able to find out what I was getting in advance, and it was difficult to detect. Sure, it took the fun out of Christmas; but at least I could plan out which presents I would play with first! Around the same age I discovered swearing, and I would frequently swear with my buddies. I would even occasionally sneak (alright, steal) a dollar from my mom’s purse to go buy candy. There was a degree of excitement in doing something I knew was wrong. Of course I was about eight or ten at the time, and eventually I grew out of these things.

I’ll admit these aren’t exactly the same as having an affair. But there IS a bit of an adrenaline rush and excitement in doing something you know you shouldn’t be doing. If you get your kicks from the danger of being caught doing something wrong, then I can see how there would be an allure to affairs. But that doesn’t make them romantic.

We can’t control who we fall in love with
While it’s definitely possible to love two different people at the same time, it doesn’t happen overnight. It requires intimate sharing of emotions and feelings to build the connection that leads you to fall in love with someone. And that is the part you DO have control over.

If you are committed to someone else, you owe it to them to not take actions that will jeopardize your relationship. Don’t put yourself in situations where this is a risk. If you’re ever doing something and you know you wouldn’t be comfortable telling your partner about, then you know you probably shouldn’t be doing it. If it’s something like buying yourself a new outfit, then maybe those little lies by omissions aren’t that harmful. But when it involves interactions with another person? Sorry, people know when they are crossing certain lines. They just choose to do it anyways.

Let’s say it does happen and you find yourself having fallen in love with another person? Well then you have a choice to make. Have enough respect for your partner to end one relationship before moving forward with the other one.

I wasn’t happy
This is at once obvious and troubling. There’s a saying “happy people don’t cheat”. If you are happy in your relationship why would you?

One of the first questions I would have for someone in this case is “Why aren’t you happy?” All sorts of things can cause unhappiness, and it may have nothing to do with the existing relationship.

If you aren’t happy in your relationship, you are more likely to be taking actions that put you at risk of falling in love with someone else. But like I said above, if you find yourself in love with someone else pick a relationship and move on.

The Real Reasons

Alright, we’ve had a few common rationalizations. Now let’s get down to the actual reasons that people have affairs (well, according to me).

A big part of affairs is emotional immaturity. This isn’t overly surprising when someone is young (say early twenties), but it becomes a bit alarming when it persists as someone gets older. I’ve seen exchanges where a guy points out a girl and tells another guy that he’s “banged her”. To which the other guy says something like “nice”, and they fist bump. The girl in those cases is simply a conquest, another notch on the bedpost. There is no interest in a relationship; this is just hedonism.

Commonly people who have affairs have self image issues. They need the validation of another person wanting them sexually to make them feel good about themselves or give them an ego boost.

Another reason for affairs is selfishness. Someone wants the positives of a committed relationship or marriage, but they don’t want the restrictions that come along with it. They feel they should be able to have the best of both worlds. Their focus is “them”, and their pleasure. They don’t respect their partner. They may claim that they do, but if they did would they really be having an affair? Hell, I doubt they even respect themselves. Commitment involves trust, and by having an affair they are showing that they aren’t deserving of that trust.

If an affair is a love affair and not just about sex, it can be more problematic. Love affairs are often symptoms of deeper underlying issues. They may be issues with the existing relationship, or personal issues. Either way, the affair becomes a way of trying to fill a void that they are feeling. Just as some people turn to drugs or alcohol to “deal” with issues, others turn to sex.

People should work on their relationship first instead of trying to fill a void by stepping outside of it. Try to understand what’s wrong with your existing relationship. View any problems as opportunities to improve what you have, and work on it. Long term relationships aren’t always easy, and commitment shouldn’t only apply when times are good.

There are many cases where people have tried to repair their existing relationship and it hasn’t worked. When this happens, it should be decision time.

Don’t stay to “keep the family together”. That’s really just another excuse to try to have it both ways. A way to have the kids and the safety and comfort of home while doing whatever you want. If you’re having an affair chances are you have checked out emotionally on your partner. That not a good environment for the kids anyhow.

And don’t stay just for the financial stability of that comes with the existing relationship. Actions have consequences. If the current relationship was bad enough that you decided to stray, then be willing to accept the consequences. It won’t be easy, but it shouldn’t be.

Putting in your Notice

Have you ever changed jobs? With jobs, most people line up a new job before they put in their notice to quit their existing one. That’s fine, because jobs are a form of a contract where what you do outside of work time is your own business.

If you aren’t happy with your current job you can start looking for a new one, and if an opportunity comes up you take it. You put in your notice and for two weeks or so you show up to your current (now old) job, while counting down the days until the new one begins. If you don’t get the job it’s no big deal because you still have your existing one to fall back on.

Many people do the same thing with relationships. Often a relationship ends and it’s amazing how quickly one of the parties finds themselves in a new one. I suspect the “new” one was often in the works or already started before the old one ended.

Unlike jobs, the commitment of a relationship doesn’t have set hours. And it doesn’t only apply when your partner is around. If you are in a committed relationship with someone, no matter what state it is in now, at one point in time you cared about that person. If the relationship has broken down to the point that you believe it is beyond repair, or if you believe you have fallen in love with someone else, you owe it to the love you once shared to end the relationship before starting one with someone else.

Let’s Talk about Sex (part 2)

Posted in Communication, couples, Happiness, Love, Relationship Help, Romance, Sex by

couple-bed-9

My last entry talked about sex and the benefits it has for relationships. A common problem couples run into is differing sex drives, which fluctuate over time. Your sex life is often a barometer of the overall health of your relationship. Sex is supposed to help build and maintain the bond between a couple, but it can also become an “issue” and a source of conflict in a relationship. In this entry I want to focus on when sex does become a source of conflict, and what you can do.

Types of Sex

First I want to look at two different types of sex. And no, I’m not talking about positions or anything like that. What I’m referring to is sex as just the physical act (or physical release) vs. sex as a form of communication and connection. Sometimes I’ve seen this distinction referred to as sex vs. making love. The act may be largely the same, but there is a difference emotionally and in terms of connection.

Last spring I was at the Zoo watching the monkeys (ah monkeys, they never cease to make me smile). Anyhow, a female monkey was walking along casually when another ran up and… um… shall we say “took her” from behind. Yeah it’s nature, but it was still a bit disconcerting to have it happen right in front of you. What I saw definitely wouldn’t have qualified as making love, or intimate sex. I have my doubts there was any connection there (especially when the female had no idea what was going on until it happened).

Something like a one night stand is really only the physical act. It’s not quite the same as the monkeys, but although it may feel passionate the only connection happening there is aided by hormones (and likely alcohol). Truly making love requires trust and openness, which can only really develop in a fairly committed relationship over time.

In a committed relationship there is place for both types of sex. Sex for physical release is fine, and can be great as a stress reliever. But it needs to be balanced with the more intimate form of sex or sex can become a source of resentment in a relationship.

What is the Real Problem?

Back to sexual issues in a relationship, one of the most important things to keep in mind is:

Sexual issues are rarely about sex

Sex is a form of communication. It’s a physical manifestation of the love, caring and compassion that you share for one another. If there are any underlying issues in your relationship, there’s a pretty good chance that there’s a bit of a breakdown in caring and compassion. When this happens the openness required for meaningful sex is likely missing (or at least somewhat hampered). You may or may not still be having sex, but without the emotional connection sex becomes purely the physical act.

If there is tension in the relationship, chances are you already know it. If that’s the case you probably shouldn’t be shocked if the sexual side of the relationship has broken down somewhat. Maybe, just maybe you would be better of focusing on the actual issues instead of the sexual ones. Even showing that you recognize that there are issues and you are interested in working on them can go a long way to restoring the closeness required for sex.

Lets imagine for a moment that your relationships IS in a good state. Maybe there are a few disagreements here and there, but there’s no real underlying tension. If this is the case, but you are still unhappy sexually then there are a few things to think about…

Intimacy vs. Sex

The first thing to do is ask yourself what sex really means to you. This is a personal question, and the answers will be different for everyone.

For instance, guys and girls seem to have some pretty different thoughts around sex. Here’s an awesome video illustrating some of these differences. Yeah, it’s an exaggeration (but it’s still pretty damn funny).

Where many people (mostly guys) get themselves in trouble is that they equate intimacy with sex. I’ve actually talked to buddies who use the words interchangeably, and I can tell from the context of the conversation that they REALLY don’t get that there’s a difference.

It’s possible to have sex with no intimacy at all, at which point it’s been reduced to the physical act. Sex the physical act is a biological urge. It’s a characteristic we share with any other animal (like the monkey from the zoo) It’s still pleasurable because of all the nerve endings and stuff, but it is not the same as sex in the context of intimacy.

So what is intimacy? I’m sure everyone has their own thought on it, but here’s my take:

Intimacy is about connection. It’s emotional, physical, and even spiritual. Sex is a form of intimacy, but it’s not intimacy. Intimacy is the little things – the touches, the smiles, and the shared looks. Intimacy is feeling loved, feeling valued, and giving that in return. Intimacy is opening up to each other, sharing hopes and dreams, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable with another person. Intimacy is about openness.

Sex in the context of intimacy is the deepest form of sharing a couple can have. You are literally giving yourself to your partner, and symbolically the two of you have joined as one. It needs to be as much about what you give as it is about what you receive.

Can you have intimacy without sex? Of course. I believe that most of your intimate contact is non-sexual. Hugging, holding hands, non-sexual touch. These little signs of affection are forms of communication and intimacy.

If your only intimate contact with your spouse results in sex, then you’ve probably got a problem. Can you have an intimate relationship without EVER having sex? Technically yes, but I would say no. Sex is a form of expression and it is an important part of an intimate relationship. It is a physical manifestation of love, caring and compassion. There may be medical reasons why it’s difficult. But short of that if you are in a long term relationship without intimate sex that’s probably a sign of underlying issues.

Sex in the Media

Another reason you may be unhappy sexually is unrealistic expectations.

Guys are the ones who supposedly have these crazy out of control sex drives, but look at the way sex is portrayed for women!!! Look at the cover of pretty much any “womens” magazine in the grocery aisle. Headlines like “20 positions to drive him wild”, “men’s sex secrets – can you handle the truth” and “sexier sex tonight” are all over the covers. Sexier sex tonight? Really? Who writes this stuff? And yes, those titles came from real magazine covers.

Look at many of the prime-time TV dramas, and most of them involve people falling in love (or lust) and having sex. If you watch a few seasons of many of these shows they are a case of musical beds. Pretty much everyone sleeps with everyone else at one point in time or another. Then there’s the whole romance novel genre that is geared towards female readers, where there is lust, intrigue and everyone always orgasms at the exact same time.

I understand that the entertainment industry is a form of escapism, but just as all the billboards of Victoria Secret type models aren’t positive for a woman’s sense of body image, the way sex is portrayed in the media will make most people feel they don’t measure up.

What is Normal?

A big question many people ask themselves is, what is normal? Am I normal? How does my sex life compare to everyone else’s? If you try comparing yourself to what you see in media (TV, movies, books, etc) you’re in for disappointment. I talked a bit about this in a prior post, but most people seem to believe that everyone else has a better situation than their own, so we feel like we are somehow lacking by comparison.

You can’t even trust the “experts”. If you do a web search, you will likely find sex therapists saying that most couples have sex once or twice a week. Some people probably look at that and think “oh man, twice a week? I would be happy with twice a month!!!” Others may think “twice a week? Yeah, maybe if we only see each other one day that week.”

Honestly there is no normal. How new is your relationship? How old are you? Do you have kids? If so, how old are the kids? What’s your job situation? How is your general health? There are countless factors that can influence your sex life. Trying to compare your sex life to someone else’s or trying to figure out if you are “normal” is an exercise in futility. All you are likely to do is make yourself even more self conscious and frustrated.

What’s really important is how happy are you with it. How happy is your spouse with it? Is it a source of conflict in your relationship? If it’s not a source of conflict, then it’s probably normal for you. If it is, how do you deal with it?

Communicate

If your sex life is a source of conflict, the best thing you can do is talk about it and get it out in the open. The taboo nature of sex makes it difficult to talk about it, and we need to get past that. If you are in a committed relationship with someone then this is one of many conversations you should be having.

If you’ve never talked about sex beyond “want to have it now?”, maybe it’s a good time to do so. Coming to a common understanding sexually is something that can only enhance your relationship. Try to be understanding of each other and don’t be critical or defensive.

Maybe your issue is just boredom with the same routines all the time. There’s a good chance each of you have fantasies, so share them. If you can’t share them with the person you are (hopefully) imagining acting them out with, who can you share them with? Everyone has boundaries on what they are comfortable with, but as long as something doesn’t cross those boundaries be willing to try anything at least once.

If nothing else, make time for your sexuality. If it is something you have let fall by the wayside, make it a priority again.

Nowhere else to turn

For the person with the lower sex drive, keep in mind that this is the one facet of a relationship your partner can’t share with anyone else.

If you aren’t interested in a movie your partner wants to see, no problem, you can go with a friend. But when it comes to sex? You can’t really call up a buddy and say “hey, my husband/wife doesn’t want to have sex with me tonight, so are you up for it?” Well I guess you could, but it probably wouldn’t be received very well. And it could make for some serious awkwardness if it is. Realistically, options are limited to the right hand, the left hand, or some form of battery powered device. In the long term none of those are overly appealing choices.

I’m a firm believer in marriage and in commitment. But long “dry spells” can put serious strain on a relationship. I don’t ever condone cheating, but sex is a basic need for most people and without it people can start to get restless. I don’t believe it’s possible to have a strong relationship unless there is at least some satisfaction for both sides sexually.

For the person with the higher sex drive, the worst thing you can do is make the other person feel guilty. If you guilt the other person into sex, this WILL backfire on you. The other person won’t be engaged, and you are laying the groundwork for resentment. Sex is supposed to build connection, not break it down.

Sex can be a great stress reliever, but it requires a feeling of connection up front. It can be difficult to feel “up to it” when someone is highly stressed. Ask yourself what you can do to reduce stress for your partner (and this shouldn’t just be done with sex as a hoped for outcome). Help out wherever you can.

Keep in mind that sex is only one form of intimacy. It’s important, but you should be able to enjoy all forms of intimacy in the relationship. Intimate contact doesn’t always have to result in sex, and if you are pushing for that you are probably building resentment about sex.

Finding a Balance

People have different sex drives, and they vary over time. In a long term relationship there will be times that are better than others.

Whether you are happy with your sex life or it has become a source of conflict in your relationship, it’s something you should talk about. Discuss your hopes and expectations. And be prepared to adjust them somewhat if there is a gap.

It’s not fair for the person with the higher sex drive to expect their partner to reciprocate whenever they want. But it’s also not fair for the person with the lower drive to expect sex to only happen when they want it.

Sex is supposed to enhance your relationship and both build and maintain connection. Try to be understanding of each other, as a satisfied sex life will make the relationship better for both partners.

Let’s Talk about Sex (part 1)

Posted in Communication, couples, Happiness, Love, Relationship Help, Romance, Sex by

Couple_in_bed

Sex is often THE big elephant in the room when it comes to long term relationships. It’s something that is in reality a very small part of a relationship (at least in terms of time spent), but it’s importance to the relationship bond cannot be overstated. Sex is easy in the early stage of a relationship when everything is new and exciting. As the years go by though, even in strong relationships the frequency usually decreases noticeably. Add any sort of issues or tension to the relationship and sex is often the first thing to go.

Here’s an interesting quote from Dr. Phil:

If you have a good sexual relationship, it registers about ten percent on the “important scale”. If you do not have a good sexual relationship, that registers about ninety percent on the “important scale”.

What constitutes a “good sexual relationship” is definitely a matter of debate, but if nothing else it’s safe to say that the idea behind that statement is correct. If you are feeling satisfied sexually then sex really isn’t an issue for you. But if you aren’t? Well, sexual issues can take on a life of their own.

A barometer of heath

Why do we enter into relationships in the first place? The stereotype on guys is that all they are really looking for is sex, and I’ll be the first to argue that relationships are about so much more than that. They are about emotional fulfillment, a desire to both give and receive love, acceptance and a sense of belonging. They are also about commitment, and building towards the future.

But at the same time yeah, relationships are about sexual fulfillment (which is actually different from sex, but I’ll get to that later). Although it’s only a part of a relationship I think everyone has an unspoken expectation that when they commit to a lifetime together, sex will be part of the deal.

Lets face it, physical attraction is part of what draws us together in the first place. When we first meet a potential “someone” and we are trying to determine if there is an emotional connection and if it will go anywhere, there is at least a part of us that is imaging and anticipating the physical one. This *could* just be a guy thing, but I don’t think so.

The quality of a couples sex life is actually a barometer for the overall health of the relationship. If you are happy with the quality of your sex life there’s a pretty good chance that you are also happy with your overall relationship.

Purpose of Sex

Sexual attraction is part of what draws us together, but what is the purpose of sex? Yes it’s needed for procreation, but that’s not the only purpose it serves. Why do we want it?

The easy answer is that it feels good (or at least it should). In a loving, committed relationship it also provides additional value, both to your own personal health and the health of your relationship.

For your relationship sex is important for both building and maintaining connection. This is actually hormonal, as sex causes the release of oxytocin (sometimes known as the “love hormone”). You know that relaxed sense of contentment after sex? That’s largely due to oxytocin. It can help with feelings of contentment and calmness while decreasing anxiety and protecting against stress. It’s also been found to help facilitate feelings of trust and attachment between people (Incidentally, all gestures of affection help with this too).

Beyond helping maintain connection, many researchers have found links between sex and other areas of health. Here are a few of the links that have been found:

  • Lower blood pressure
  • Mental health. Sex can reduce stress and help fight depression and anxiety
  • Self esteem. Supposedly it boosts self esteem and confidence
  • Pain relief. Headaches are a common clichéd excuse to avoid sex, but the hormones released can relieve pain
  • Bladder control. This one is more for women than men, but sex involves the muscles used in kegels
  • Sounder sleep. The same endorphins that reduce stress can help give you a better sleep

Some of these health claims seem a bit dubious to me. They make me wonder if it’s actually the sex that contributes to making people healthy, or if it’s just that people who are healthier tend to have more sex.

But hey, it feels good and it’s good for building and maintaining connection in your relationship – that much is fact! So if it happens to contribute to health at the same time, great. All the more reason to try and be a bit more active in the bedroom (or living room, or kitchen. Heck, even the pantry – whatever works for you), right?

Well, in spite of all the positives that sex brings to a relationship it can also be a great source of conflict.

Different Drives

One of the first potential problems is that everyone’s drive is different. Men *usually* have a higher drive than women, and most of this entry is written from that perspective. I recognize that’s not always the case though, so feel free to flip the narrative if applicable.

In a perfect world a couple’s sex drive is in sync, but perfection doesn’t exist. Even if you did find someone where your drive is very close, the next problem becomes that drive is not a constant. It’s going to fluctuate over time, and the odds of it fluctuating in the same way for a couple is pretty much non-existent.

So differences in drive are normal and to be expected. But beyond the normal fluctuations between people, there are additional things that can exacerbate this difference.

Things that “get in the way”

There are many factors that can impact sex-drive, and many of these factors seem to impact women more than they impact men.

Stress, anxiety and depression are things that can negatively impact drive, and stats show that women are 3 times as likely to be diagnosed as having issues with anxiety and depression.

Body image is also a big thing that can impact drive in both women and men. It’s hard to have sex with all your clothes on (plus it’s really not all that satisfying). If you aren’t at least somewhat happy with your own body it can be pretty difficult to be naked with someone.

Media images of Victoria Secret type bodies on actresses and models give women a very unrealistic standard to compare themselves to, and this contributes to body image issues. But to all the ladies out there, when you are obsessing over the need to lose an extra 5 or 10 lbs your guy is often pretty confused as to where it is supposed to come from or they simply don’t see why you need to lose it. I’m pretty sure your guy thinks you look great the way you are.

Guys have often been thought of as being less affected by body image issues, but studies have shown that this is increasingly becoming an issue for men as well.

Related to body image issues is child birth, which can affect women both in terms of both hormone levels and body image. The transition from woman to “mother” can often make it difficult for women to feel sexy again.

Sex drive is related to hormones, so even something like a womans monthly menstrual cycle affect drive, as it can send hormone levels all over the map.

Basically, it doesn’t matter what your drive is like. Because it’s not a constant and there are all sorts of factors that can impact it.

Causing additional stress on the relationship

If you’ve been in a relationship for any length of time, I’m sure you’ve had days where one of you has “wanted it” and the other one hasn’t. That’s normal. When it becomes a consistent pattern though, then it becomes a problem.

For the person with the higher drive, chances are they are feeling hurt. They feel rejected, and it can start to impact self image and self esteem. Does my spouse not find me attractive anymore? Do they not love me anymore? This can cause resentment, and a feeling their spouse is holding out on them and using sex as a means of manipulation or a weapon. They may also feel as though their needs don’t matter.

For the person with the lower drive, chances are they are also feeling hurt. In their case though they feel pressure. Instead of sex being this special activity that they share with their spouse, it starts to feel like a duty, or work. It’s something they “have to do”. Resentment will start to build here too, as they can feel like they aren’t valued and they are only wanted for sex.

Problems in your sex life can start to damage the overall relationship. And over time, this one act that can bring so much pleasure and closeness to a relationship can also threaten to tear it apart.

So how do we deal with this? Stay tuned for part 2…

Meeting Someone New (while you still have someone old)

Posted in couples, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help, Relationships, Romance by

Couple

In addition to writing about love and relationships, I read a fair number of other articles and blogs about them. I’m always open to new ideas, and even if I don’t agree with someone it’s always interesting to read what other people think.

One thing I’ve noticed is that there are a surprising number of women blogging about how they are in a relationship, but they have met someone else and they have either started an affair or they are musing about whether or not they should leave their current relationship for the new one.

I’m not knocking women here, as I’m sure guys find themselves in these situations too. I just haven’t come across articles like that, or the guys just don’t write about it (in fact, I seem to be one of the few guys writing about relationships).

A common theme is that the new person excites them more, or they feel more valued or fulfilled by the new person. Often the person writing is convinced that the new person is a “better match” for them.

Reading the comments section, most readers advise the person to follow their heart, and do whatever it is that makes them happy.

Maybe I’m just jealous because my readers rarely comment (though I suppose I would actually need readers for that), but this stuff drives me crazy!!!

If you’ve read any of my previous entries, you know that I believe people give up on their relationships far too easily, often because they have focused on what they don’t have instead of appreciating what they do. In some ways this post is a bit of a recap of what has come before, but I think it warrants talking about one more time before I move on to different topics.

Purpose of Relationships

Relationships usually start by being all about you. Going into a relationship there are things you are looking for and things you want to get out of it. Why are we in relationships? There’s are all sorts of reasons, and here are a few of the common ones I’ve seen:

  • Loneliness. Don’t want to be alone.
  • Safety and security.
  • Emotional, and sexual fulfillment.
  • Want to have a family, and feel it’s best in a “stable” relationship

Pursuit of your own happiness is important, but the complexity of relationships is that they involve two people. In order to be successful they can’t be just about you, they have to grow into more than that.

They become a partnership where you are sharing your life with someone, so the other persons needs have to become as important as your own. Alright, let’s be honest here – people are inherently selfish so your own needs will always take precedence. But your partners needs have to be pretty high up there. Hopefully it’s fairly balanced, but it’s a pretty safe bet that there will be times where your needs and wants will have to take a backseat to your partners.

Your Favorite Movie

Think of movies (I would say books, but sadly few people seem to read anymore). There are lots of them out there, and everyone has their own tastes. You probably have a movie that you love, and go back to again and again.

When you watch a movie a second or third time you may gain a new appreciation for it as you may pick up on a few things that you didn’t notice the first time around. But after a few times there is nothing new. You still enjoy the story and appreciate it for what it is, but it won’t have the same excitement it did when it was new because you already know everything that’s going to happen.

Relationships are like that too. Part of the excitement in relationships comes from discovery. There comes a point where the mystery of learning the other person is gone, because you already know everything about that other person.

A problem is when this happens it’s very easy to get comfortable, and you tend to take the other person for granted (hopefully unintentionally). You still care for each other and enjoy each others company, but that magic from the early days is gone.

Excitement of “The New”

I opened this with a scenario where someone is in a committed relationship, yet they have either stepped out or are considering stepping out because they feel a connection to someone new.

I think the very nature of long term relationships makes this a risk. The excitement and energy of the early days of a relationship feels great, but it’s unsustainable over the long term. Eventually every relationship settles into certain patterns, or rhythms.

And guess what, as time goes on there is a chance that you will meet new people. They may be new co-workers, or friends of a friend. Being in a committed relationship doesn’t mean you don’t find other people attractive. So you meet someone new, and hey, they’re kind of cute. As you start to learn more about them you may start to feel some sort of connection (especially if your own relationship is in a rut). And depending on the state of your own relationship you may start to imagine what life “could be like”. Maybe life could be better with this other person?

If this happens, it’s important to remember that we are always drawn to the new. Is that person really a better match, or are you just starting to get lost in the discovery state? There is excitement in the unknown, because you can’t see it’s flaws. All you see are the possibilities and the potential. And the reality rarely matches our romanticized view of things. A new movie cannot be new forever.

Is Better Really Better?

Hopefully I’ve established that the new exciting person in your life might not actually be your soul mate (or at least a better match). Hopefully you can agree that maybe, just maybe it’s actually the lure of excitement that is attracting someone to the new person in their life.

Just for the sake of argument, lets say the new person really IS a better fit for you. To that I say, so what?
If you ever find yourself in that situation I would recommend you ask yourself to instead take a look at your existing relationship. Are you actually unhappy, or are you just in a rut? If you are unhappy, take a good look and ask yourself why?

There are a lot of reasons to be unhappy. They may have nothing to do with your current relationship. And if they do, they may be resolvable. For your current relationship there was something that drew you together in the first place. Go back, and explore that.

Depending on where you are at in a relationship, I really believe that the relationship becomes bigger than either individual. Yes, your happiness is very important, and I don’t believe people should ever “settle”.

But another perspective is that walking away from something because something else appears better sets you on a dangerous path. There will always be better. Perfection doesn’t exist. Sometimes it’s alright to say “there may be better, but what I have is enough”.

perfect-marriage

Keeping the Spark Alive

If you go back to my comparison between people and movies there is one big difference that I purposely left out. A movie is always the same (well, until they make a directors cut). But people are always growing, and changing. We aren’t constants. Sometimes we change in small ways, sometimes in larger ones. We are always having new experiences. In long term relationships I think a HUGE mistake couples make is that they fail to recognize that.

So if your relationship is in a rut and you are thinking of moving on to something new, take another look at what you have. Don’t assume that because you already know everything about someone there is nothing else to learn. Rediscover them. Grow with them. Learn each other, and continue to learn each other as your relationship grows. Allow yourself to continue falling in love with the same person over and over again as time goes by.

For any readers in long term relationships (I would define that as more than 2 years), I would love to hear from you. What are the things that have worked for you in “keeping the spark alive”? What do you do to continue to show your partner that you love them? What does your partner do for you that makes you feel loved?
You can either comment below or email me at thezombieshuffle@outlook.com. With any feedback, I would love to hear how long you’ve been together.

Disposable Love

Posted in Life, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help, Relationships by

A while back the keypad started to go on my microwave at home. First one number went, then a few months later another one, until finally I only had 2 or 3 working numbers. I have to tell you, it was REALLY annoying. I was coming up with all sorts of bizarre timing combinations in order to heat something up the way I wanted. Stuff like “Hmmm, I need to heat this for 90 seconds? Only my 3 key is working so I guess I’ll heat something up for 33 seconds 3 times, and take it out a bit early on the last time.” Yeah, it was a pain in the ass.

I talked to a buddy who is more mechanically inclined than I and he told me that for the cost of having someone come look at it and repair it I was better off getting a new one. Microwaves are pretty cheap, but I still felt guilty. The microwave itself worked perfectly fine, it was just the keypad that was broken. Yet off I went to an electronics disposal place with a microwave that was probably 90%-95% functional.

This happens all the time. What’s that, my printer isn’t working right? I guess I’ll get a new one. My couch is looking a bit tired? No problem, I’ll replace it. Issues with my camera? Ah, that one was 2 years old anyhow (gasp!!!), I can get a new one that will be WAY better, and have more features for less than it would cost to fix that one.

The Next Shiny Thing

It’s bad enough that we live in a world where it’s easier to throw things out than to fix them, but marketers have also been able to convince us that we need something new when the thing we have is still working perfectly fine.

Have you ever tried getting rid of a CRT television (tube TV)? Landfills are full of perfectly functioning ones, and no one wants them. You literally can’t give them away. Why? Because flat screen TV’s are the way to go. Heck, I know guys who had amazing TV’s and got rid of them to buy new ones because the refresh rate went from 60-120 MHZ. Any sort of feature rich gadgets are bad for this. There are probably massive landfills full of discarded mobile phones and computers/tablets.

Our society is insatiable, we are never satisfied with what we have and we always want more.

The Blame Game

Another societal shift seems to involve attitudes around responsibility. Maybe it’s always been this way, but it seems that in the past ten to twenty people have taken on the role of either passive observers or victims. Things happen, and it’s rarely our own fault. Instead, things happened because of this, or that.

North America has become infected with a litigation mentality. Late night television is full of commercials for “ambulance chaser” lawyers, telling you that all the bad things that happened to you aren’t your fault, and if you hire them they will get you money from the people who are REALLY to blame (If you’ve watched Breaking Bad, think of Saul Goodman – love that guy).

Impacts on Relationships

These attitudes have seeped into views of relationships. There seems to be a rise in the perception that problems in a relationship are unnatural, and that if a relationship is not perfect then it signifies that there is something inherently wrong with it. There is a romanticized notion that you don’t have to work at a relationship if you find “the perfect match”.

As a result people are throwing away relationships that are largely good, because they don’t want to put in the effort to work on the parts that need improving. It’s the same “disposable” attitude that occurs with consumer goods. Many people look at relationship problems and think they are unfix-able. Or they say “yeah I could fix this, but it would take a lot of effort. Besides, I can just get a newer model that’s faster, sleeker, shinier and has more features. It’s not worth the effort.” It’s too difficult to work on something and face the realities of how people got into the situation they are in. It is easier to just walk away.

I’m not suggesting that someone should stay in a relationship no matter what. But I do think that there are many relationships out there that are worth putting the effort in, worth fighting for. Yet many people can’t be bothered to put in the effort.

Instead of just landfills full of “stuff” our societies landscape has become littered with broken families, broken hearts, and lost hopes and dreams.

But He/She did it first!!!

A few months back I was listening to the radio on the way into work, and they were asking people to call in and share their thoughts on the following scenario:

The announcer had a friend who’s husband had an affair. The couple had worked through things and kept the marriage together. But now, the wife felt that because he had strayed she had a “free pass” to do the same.

I was disappointed (but not surprised) that callers largely backed the wife’s idea of having a free pass. Personally, I don’t get this. What the guy did was wrong, and it destroyed any sense of commitment and trust between the couple. For the couple to truly move forward, that commitment and trust needs to be rebuilt. I understand pain, anger and a sense of betrayal. But if your goal really is to move forward with the relationship, retaliation accomplishes nothing. If anything it’s counterproductive, as all it does is layer hurt upon hurt.

Taking Ownership

In my university days I remember a discussion on rights. It’s common to hear people talk about their rights – I have a right to this, I have a right to that!!! The professor of the class talked about how no one is ever entitled to anything, and rights come hand in hand with responsibilities. In order to claim a “right” FROM someone/something, I have certain responsibilities I must meet TO that someone/something.

I had never thought of it that way before but I loved it. Everything in life has a cost, and this applies to relationships too.

What is the “cost” in relationships? I think that’s an easy one. If you want to get anything out of a relationship, you need to be willing to put into it. In happy times, this exchange is easy and happens naturally. We want to please the other person and make them happy, so we do little things for them to show them we how much we care. And when we are giving of ourselves, we naturally receive in return.

This gets harder when times are tough. During these times we are less inclined to give of ourselves, and we can become suspicious when the other person does. Have you ever had a moment when someone was being nice to you, and you found yourself questioning what their angle was? “He bought me flowers? What did he do? What does he want?”

It’s easy to blame issues in a relationship on the other person. And realistically, there may be one person who owns a larger share of the blame for a distressed relationship. But there are still two people involved. Instead of looking at all the things the other person is or isn’t doing, people need to take a hard look in the mirror.

Take ownership of an issue. Instead of pointing a finger, ask yourself what you can do to help things. How can you help improve a situation?

Built to Last

Relationships require work. Many people say they know that, but don’t understand it and aren’t willing to put in the work when things get difficult. In a relationship, the only way forward is together. You need to communicate. You need to be able to put aside any hurt or resentment

This picture says it all:

MarriageLongevity

Our society is always looking for the quick solution, the easy way out. Think of all the diet fads that profess to allow you to eat all the foods you want and still lose weight. Think of all the get rich quick schemes. The people who market these things succeed because people don’t want to do the hard work. They want to believe there’s a magic wand out there that will make everything better.

Unfortunately there are no magic wands. Actually ever if there were, it wouldn’t matter. I’m a fan of the Harry Potter books and movies, and I’m reminded of a scene near the end of The Prisoner of Azkaban (my favorite book and film btw). There’s a scene where Harry believes something is going to happen, and he’s waiting for it. But at the last minute he realizes that nothing is going to happen, and he will have to take action himself. Even a magic wand is useless without a desire to facilitate change, and make things better.

Acceptance

All relationships hit “rough patches” eventually. And sometimes it can seem like things will never get better, and it’s easier to just walk away. But instead of looking for the “next shiny thing”, look at what you do have. Focus on the good that you do have, and see the difficult times as opportunities for improvement. In the long run, overcoming challenges together will only strengthen a relationship.

No relationships isn’t perfect. Sure it’s possible that there’s someone else out there you could be happier with. There will always be something newer, shinier, and with more features (so to speak). But does that matter? Look to work on improving what you do have, and accepting that it is “enough”.

Accepting who you are (Identity Crisis pt. 2)

Posted in Happiness, Individuality, Life, Lifestyle, Love, Relationship Help, Relationships by

In the past few years I’ve read a lot of different relationship books, and most of them are psychology books. They tend to be factual and talk about the way people work, the way relationships work, positive and negative actions etc. They usually have quite a bit of valuable content, but honestly? Most of them are pretty damned boring to read.

Every relationship is different, so I don’t believe there is a “one size fits all” solution to relationship issues. So when reading something my approach has always been to see if anything resonates with me. If so, I try and adopt it. If not, I ignore it. A lot of the content in relationship books is just common sense – things that seem obvious. “be kind to your spouse”, “don’t sleep with other people” kind of stuff. But although obvious, they do talk about many traps that are easy to fall into if you aren’t careful. So sometimes getting a reminder of that “common sense” is beneficial.

The Gifts of Imperfection

The Gifts of Imperfection
Recently someone recommended I read “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brené Brown. I knew a little bit about what it was about, but I was still expecting more of the same old dry psychology texts with case studies. I ordered it online, and when it showed up I was a bit alarmed to see a “featured by Oprah” sticker on the cover.

Now, I don’t think I’ve ever even seen a full episode of Oprah. The only time I ever see daytime television is at the dentist’s office and the daytime television of choice there seems to be Springer or Dr. Phil (which is surprisingly entertaining).

Even if Oprah was on, usually I’m only half paying attention. It’s kind of hard to focus over the sound of the drill, polisher or questions/commentary from the dentist (side note – why do dentists talk to you while they work? Their freaking hands are in your mouth – It’s not as if you can respond!!!)

Anyhow, although I’ve never watched Oprah I have this image of her stuff as being all new age touchy-feely. Sure I spend a lot of time thinking and writing about relationships, and I’m relatively in tune with my emotions. But I’m still a guy. When I see a nail, I look for a hammer. I’m not sure if new age is really my thing.

But I bought the book, so I started reading. It opened with the following:

Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid but that doesn’t change the truth that I am worthy of love and belonging.

Wholehearted living is not a onetime choice. It is a process. In fact I believe it’s the journey of a lifetime.

I mentioned earlier that when I read something, I see if anything resonates with me. And I’ve gotta say, that opener hit home. I didn’t just read it, I felt it.

If you’ve read any of my prior posts you will know that I believe life is all about choice. Your outlook on life is up to you. Happiness is a choice that you make. Even love is a choice. Situations and problems don’t resolve themselves – we choose what actions we take (and doing nothing at all is also a choice). So that opening really spoke to me.

This wasn’t like most of the books I had read. And honestly, it wasn’t even a relationship book. It wasn’t all about facts, instead it was full of big ideas.

I’m Worthy Now

One of the keys of the book was the idea that we as people are worthy of love and acceptance today. Right now. Many people believe they are only worthy under certain conditions: If they could get a better job, if they could lose 10 lbs, if they could gain the approval of their parents, if they could…

…well, you get the idea. If maybe our situation was different, or we were something other than what we are right now. Part of it may be fear – oh I can’t do this because… But another part of it is that people often don’t feel they are “enough” and they think they need to be something more.

The message was that you need to accept yourself as you are and believe in yourself. You need to accept that although the person you are isn’t perfect, you are enough. Embrace yourself and accept yourself for who you are. That’s not to say we shouldn’t all strive for self improvement. But we should be accepted for who we are and not feel we need to fit some mold.

Perfection Doesn’t Exist

One of my mantras is that perfection doesn’t exist – it’s an ideal for us to strive towards. And I’ve always thought perfectionism was striving towards that ideal. Brené Brown has a different take though, and she sees perfectionism as a bad thing. According to her:

Perfectionism is not about achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfectly, look perfectly and act perfectly, we can avoid the pain of blame, judgment and shame.

Healthy striving focuses on you. It occurs when you ask yourself, “How can I improve?” Perfectionism keeps the focus on others. It occurs when you ask, “What will they think?”

This had never occurred to me, but I think it makes sense. A healthy approach to problems is that they are opportunities for improvement. But I’ve seen cases where people get really upset when one little thing goes wrong. Something may be going 98% right, and instead of appreciating how well things have gone I have seen people who place what appears to be an irrational focus on the 2% that went wrong.

Numbing Behaviors

In our search for worthiness, people have things they turn to when times are tough. Escapes that allow them to take the edge off any pain they may be feeling. The book talks about numbing behaviors, and defines them as any actions people take to avoid experiencing the pain of feeling unworthy. Addictions are the most common things people would think of as numbing behaviors, and they can be drugs, alcohol, gambling etc. But really, anything can be a numbing behavior. Books, TV, the internet, Facebook, video games, even exercise.

Everyone has their own outlets, their own escapes. Any of these escapes can become an addiction when someone turns to these behaviors frequently and compulsively. That makes sense, but here’s the part that I really thought was interesting. She goes on to state:

We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also number the positive emotions.

So when we turn to something to try and escape the lows points in life, at the same time we are dulling the enjoyment we can have, and limiting the high points in life.

Loving Yourself

Suffice to say, I enjoyed the book and thought it presented some really interesting ideas. The book was largely about learning to love yourself. In order to do that it says we need to:

Practice letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are. Embracing who we are means accepting that we are not perfect, loving ourselves for who we are

I think that self love and accepting who you are is very important. And the importance of it can be seen when you look at how it impacts us in relationships.

At one point in the book the question is raised – can you love others more than you can love yourself? Brené Brown never conclusively answers that question (she has some arguments for and against), but here’s my take on it:

I believe that to feel loved we need to believe we are accepted for who we are. But if you go back to the gemstone idea from my last entry, it’s not easy to say who we really are. We are a lot of different things. In that entry I mentioned that the people who are closest to us are able to see the most of us, and our spouse should be the person who is closest to seeing the whole person. Everyone holds back to some degree though. We all have parts of ourselves that we are embarrassed of or ashamed about, and we try to hold those back even from those closest to us.

Here’s the problem – if we don’t love ourselves we are liable to hold more of ourselves back from the relationship. This is kind of like the numbing behaviors from the book. If we try to numb the pain, we also numb the positive emotions. As we hold back from our relationship for whatever reason (maybe we are scared to not be accepted or we are scared to fail), then we are also limiting the happiness that we can potentially have in that relationship.

What we get out of our relationships is directly proportional to what we put in. So for the greatest level of fulfillment we need to commit ourselves fully, body and mind to the relationship. But in order to fully vest ourselves in the relationship, we first need to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with what we see. And that’s not always easy.

So today’s advice to anyone out there is quite simply, love yourself. Love yourself and accepting yourself for who you are, and work on loving yourself every single day. Accepting yourself for who you are isn’t the same as resignation that you can never change. It doesn’t mean you can’t improve the things that you aren’t happy about. But it does mean that you don’t believe you need to change those things in order to be happy.

Identity Crisis

Posted in Happiness, Individuality, Life, Lifestyle, Love, Relationships by

Have you ever felt lost, and wondered “who you really are?” I suspect all of us have an identity crisis at one point in time or another, a time in your life that you feel lost and are searching for “you”.

In many ways that’s what a mid-life crisis is. You hit a point that you realize “hey, I’m getting older here” and you question where you are in life, and the decisions that led you there. Some people are largely at peace with the choices they have made and the life they have built, so it doesn’t hit them very hard. Other people look at where they are and wish life came with a rewind button.

It can happen to anyone, at any point in time and it doesn’t matter how old you are. You can be closing in on retirement and still have days when you ask yourself what you really want to be when you grow up.

How do we find ourselves in these spots? How do we lose sight of who we are?

Playing Roles

A lot of it comes down to roles. Think of the different roles we play. We all take on a number of roles in our lives and these roles change and evolve along with us.

For family roles at first we are a child, sibling, grandchild, nephew or niece. Over time we may become a spouse, parent, son or daughter in law. To our spouses we are a friend, support, confidant and a lover.

If you are a parent, think of all the roles you play just with your children. You are a caregiver, teacher, friend, disciplinarian (both judge and jury). These roles can sometimes conflict too. You want to be a friend to your children, but when it’s time to be a disciplinarian that needs to trump the friendship.

I’m not trying to give an exhaustive list, but the point is that we are a lot of different things and different people see us in different ways.

If my parents look at me, they see the child that I will always be to them. I’ve been on my own now for longer than I lived with my parents; but although they know I am an adult and a parent to my own children, I am first and foremost their child and they will always see me that way.

Beyond these types of social roles, we develop different interests that in turn become roles for us. We become a musician, a dancer, an artist, an athlete. Even though we may not follow these things as a career we all have aspects of all of these within us (no matter what our aptitude for them is).

When we are younger, we probably dabble in a bit of everything while trying to find ourselves. Some people find their “calling”, other never do. Only a lucky few are able to base their careers off the things that truly interest them. Most of us continue to dabble in our interests on the side, while many of us stop working on that part of ourselves completely.

We play all these roles, and each of them comes with their own fears and insecurities. For example, it’s not really accurate to say that someone is a confident person. Maybe they are confident as an athlete, but terrified as a public speaker.

Gemstones

I was talking to a buddy about all these different roles we play and what they mean to who we really are, and he came up with a great analogy. His idea was that people are like cut gemstones (I’m not sure if it was really HIS idea, but it was the first time I heard it).

Think of a cut gemstone:

Cut Gemstone

Cut Gemstone Cross-Section

People are like this. We have all these different faces or surfaces – and the different surfaces represent different aspects of us. The roles we play, our interests, the sides of our personalities etc.

In our lives we encounter all sorts of different people, and each of those people only sees a part of us – a few aspects of us at a time. They are still “seeing us”, but they don’t see ALL of us. As the picture shows, a person can look different depending on which sides of them you are able to see.

The closer a person gets to you, the more of you they are able to see (which technically would be backwards for the gemstone analogy, but I’ll ignore that for now). Acquaintances only see a few aspects of you, while your closest friends will get to see more sides of you.

Depending on how much you are able to open up to other people, it’s possible that no one ever sees all of you. But you are still all of these different aspects (some of which may even conflict). To me this analogy really works.

So who is the “real” you? Is the real you the person your parents see? The one your children see? Your co-workers? Your friends? All of them are the real you – they are just different aspects of you.

What does this mean for relationships, and specifically for spousal relationships? There are two important things to take away from this.

Your spouse should be your best friend

First, your significant other should be the person who is closest to seeing the whole you. Interestingly, there may be a difference between men and women in this though. Many studies have shown that when asked who their best friend is, men are most likely to say their wives. Women on the other hand are most likely to name another female friend. As a guy, I buy into the notion that your spouse should be your best friend. They are the person you will hopefully spend the rest of your life with.

My dream is to grow old with my wife, and be able to walk hand in hand with her, laughing and loving one another each step of the way. Without being best friends I don’t see how that can happen.

You still need to be You

A while back I had a post that talked about the idea of a marriage box. The idea was that some people expect marriage to come with everything they need while in reality to you need to continue to grow and nurture your relationship. Just as some people expect marriage to give them everything they need, some people go into relationships expecting their spouse to be everything to them.

You hear stories all the time about people who start a relationship and then drop their friends. Their lives and their sense of identity become completely wrapped up in the marriage and in the other person. This is not a healthy approach to marriage.

Think of the gemstone analogy, people are complex and have many facets. The romantic notion of “you complete me” is somewhat true. Couples should be similar in some ways and complement each other in others. But no one person can meet all the different complex and conflicting needs – and we shouldn’t want them to.

Ever if one person could meet all of your needs it wouldn’t be healthy. Time apart and time with other friends is important to a relationship.

Here’s a quote I found (at this site) that I love:

As you give up those things you find fulfilling and important for the sake of the relationship, this places a tremendous burden on your spouse to fill the void of whatever you gave up. And this burden will create neediness and dependency, as well as resentment and boredom.

Every marriage needs space between the spouses. It is within this space that you find energy, passion, eroticism, quiet time, and personal fulfillment.

Balancing the “we” with the “me”

One place I disagree with the guy who wrote the above quote is that in the full article he says your spouse should not be your best friend, as he believes it’s damaging to the relationship. I believe your spouse “should” be your best friend, but they shouldn’t be your only friend.

While embracing being part of a couple (the “we”) it’s important not to lose sight of yourself (the “me”). This last part is where the struggle comes in. The things you did before you and your spouse met shouldn’t stop. They may not happen as often as you are now fitting someone new into your life, but they are part of what made you who you are. Giving that up is not only a disservice to yourself, but also to the long term health of your relationship (well, unless one your things was sleeping around, then ya it probably needs to stop).

Let’s say you love football and your spouse doesn’t. That’s fine – they don’t have to. It’s great if they show some interest in it, and maybe you will occasionally go to or watch a game with them. Your spouse showing an interest in football is really them showing an interest in you, and wanting to share things with you. But if you had friends that you watched football with before, that shouldn’t go away. And you shouldn’t feel like you need to bring your spouse all the time.

It’s important to find things that you can do together as a couple. And it is good to support your spouse in their interests that you don’t share. You need to find a way to balance “you” as an individual with “you” as part of a couple.

Remember though that time apart isn’t really time to be “you”. You are still you when you are with your spouse. Rather time apart is an outlet for different aspects of you. And this is needed in order for you to have the happiness and fulfillment required to allow your relationship to thrive.

Hmm, a hot-dog stand…

Posted in Happiness, Life, Love, Relationships by

I was talking with a buddy recently and the topic of marriage came up. He’s a young guy, in his late 20’s and is in a fairly new relationship. I can’t even recall how the topic of marriage came up, but we were talking about how marriage is supposed to be a lifetime commitment, and he wasn’t sure about that side of it. What he said about commitment really stuck with me. He said:

I don’t know man, forever is a long time. It’s like pizza. I love pizza, and I could happily eat it every day. But you know what? Sometimes I’ll be walking by a hot-dog stand and I’ll be thinking I could really go for a hot-dog right now. It doesn’t mean I like pizza any less, but sometimes that hot-dog looks really good.

We had a good laugh about it, and I have to admit the sight of a hot-dog stand now brings a smile to my face.

Today’s entry isn’t about sex, or infidelity (both are topics for another day). Rather it’s about the idea that committing to a lifetime of pizza is a sacrifice, except of course I’m not really talking about pizza.

*** Side note – as a heterosexual male the imagery of craving a hot dog once in a while instead of pizza doesn’t quite sit right. I can’t really think of any foods that look like female genitalia though, so maybe a melon stand instead? That doesn’t quite work as I can’t say that I really see many melon stands around. If I lived in Florida maybe, but I don’t.
Sigh.
Oh well, it was my buddies analogy anyhow and I’m just rolling with it.

Living in dreamland

We never got into the specifics of his concerns, but on the surface it seemed my buddy was talking about sex. I mean, he is a guy in his late 20’s – so a pretty high percentage of his conscious thought process likely revolves around sex. But is that really what it’s about?

Let’s say you’re in a long term relationship with someone. Now let’s say you notice someone else (you’re walking by the hot-dog stand). I get noticing the other person, sure. You may think to yourself – damn, he/she is hot. And sure, your mind may wander into the realm of fantasy, I get that too.

I’m not sure how your relationship “restricts you”. Does it restrict you from noticing and appreciating other people? No, of course not. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you’re dead. Just because you notice someone else doesn’t mean that you find your spouse any less desirable or love them any less.

*** Side note 2 – I’m not suggesting that you gawk or anything, and it’s probably not a good idea to say “Honey, did you see the body on her? DAAAAAAMMMMNNNN!!!!”. Be respectful.

The only thing your relationship really restricts you from doing is going and messing around with another person. Is that really such a terrible thing? It’s not as if all the beautiful people you see day to day look at you and are immediately overcome with desire for you, and then proposition you for sex.
Maybe that happens in TV and movies, but it sure hasn’t been my experience in life (I suppose it could just be me though).

*** Side note 3 – This may be just a male/female difference. I’ve often believed that if a guy goes to a bar looking for sex, he may or may not find it. If a girl does to a bar looking for sex she will have a lineup out the door and around the building, and it doesn’t matter how nice she is or what she looks like. Sorry ladies, it doesn’t actually mean the guy gives a crap about you. We’re just wired differently.

Even if life did involve a trail of beautiful people chasing after you propositioning you for sex, so what? If you take them up on it would that really make you happier? Would that make you feel less restricted by a relationship? While acknowledging that this has never happened to me, I have my doubts.

The real issue here is that some people feel threatened by commitment because they perceive it as representing a loss of freedom.

Loss of freedom

Do relationships really restrict someone’s freedom? Yeah of course they do. The question becomes what is it restricting you from and is that really a bad thing? The way I see it a relationship restricts you from starting another relationship with someone else at the same time, or from engaging in casual sex on the side. Beyond that, a relationship means that you need to make time in your life for another person, and take them into consideration in the decisions you make. You can’t just focus on “you” all the time.

Ask yourself, is anyone truly “free”? No, there are restrictions on freedom everywhere. That what laws are about – they put parameters on behaviors that are acceptable within society. No one is truly free. You may have the freedom to do what you want, but it comes with consequences.

If I walk into a store and take what I want without paying for it I get arrested. If I don’t show up to work because I don’t feel like it, I may lose my job. If I don’t pay my mortgage the bank will take my house. Everything I do is a decision, and decisions have consequences.

*** side note 4 – There are extremes where relationships do involve a loss of freedom. You see stories of relationships where one person (usually the guy sadly) controls all aspects of the other persons life. What they wear, what they can do, etc. That kind of loss of freedom is abuse, and bad news.

Being part of a team

Have you ever heard that saying that “work isn’t work when you love what you are doing”? I feel the same way about the sacrifices involved in a relationship. Sure you lose a bit of freedom, and you can’t just do whatever you want anymore (not that you ever truly could).

These “restrictions” a relationship puts on you are also one of the strength of a relationship. Guess what, your life isn’t just about you!!! You have gone from being solely a “me” to being part of a “we”. Sure there are things you give up, but what you get in return more than outweighs what you lose.

There’s a sense of fulfillment and a sense of belonging. Knowing that you have someone who you can count on, and knowing the same person can count on you. Being able to look forward to a future with someone, knowing that no matter what life throws at you, you will always be committed to each other. Being able to work towards goal together and support each other in those goals that you don’t share.

Instead of viewing a committed relationship as restrictive, I think of it as freeing. Life isn’t just about what is in it for you, it’s also about what you are able to give. And how better to give, than to share your life with another person.

Till death do us part?

Posted in Communication Issues, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Relationships by

In a post about marriage, I mentioned that I see marriage as a way of symbolizing the commitment between two people.

I’m a big proponent of marriage. I love the notion of knowing that you want to share your life with someone, and that no matter what life throws at you, you will always be there to support the other person and that you in turn can count on them to support you. This sense of commitment is at the heart of what allows you to be more than just two individuals. So what exactly is commitment?

People buy starter cars, and starter houses. But I would like to think that everyone goes into their marriage with the hope and the expectation that it will last. I’m not sure about all cultures, but part of the marriage ceremony is usually reciting vows that represent an affirmation of the love and commitment the couple has for each other. The vows are usually something like:

In sickness and in health,
in good times and in bad,
till death do us part.

Those are some pretty significant words, and in the excitement of the moment people probably don’t really think about what they are agreeing to. Lets take a look at those lines:

In sickness and in health. This one seems easy enough, though some sicknesses can take a big emotional toll on people and relationships. Even still, most would agree that walking out of your marriage because your spouse is sick is pretty despicable (things like alcoholism and mental illness complicate this a bit).

In good times and in bad. This is a real tough one, and really illustrates to me that the marriage has to become about more than just two people. Let’s face it, you ARE going to have bad times. You are going to have times that you hurt each other, and times that you really don’t like each other. At those times love can seem tenuous, and it’s at those times that your commitment to one another will be tested the most.

Till death do us part. It may seem silly, but to me this is the dream. To know that it doesn’t matter what life throws at you, nothing will be able to get between you and keep you apart. Until you get to those bad times though, you don’t realize that the level of commitment required to make that happen is staggering.

Let’s say most people get married between 25 and 35, and the average life expectancy for men is around 80. That’s around 50 years for a marriage to stay together in order to hit “till death do us part”. People change, so that commitment needs to be there.

The Grass is Greener?

A while back I went for lunch with a female friend of mine who has been married for a number of years (probably 7 or 8). As we were talking, it came up that she’s a bit unsure about their future. She told me she loves him, but she’s spent time wondering if this was it, if this was as good as it got. She wonders if maybe there was someone else out there who she could be happier with.

It didn’t sound like she was overly dissatisfied, and she made it clear to me that she wasn’t looking for anyone else. But at the same time, she wondered. And from talking with some of her girlfriends, she found that she had other friends who were thinking through the same things. She told me that she was open with her husband about her misgivings, and it frustrated him (well, yeah!!!).

I have to admit, I was shocked. Here was someone I had known for years, who I’ve always believed had a good head on her shoulders. But the way she was talking she had some ambivalence towards her marriage.

Now I don’t know her husband well, but I’ve met the guy a few times. And between my impressions and the things she would tell me about him he seems like a pretty good guy. So of course I started to look at it the way most guys do – as a problem that maybe can be fixed.

I asked her some questions. Were there issues between them? No, not really. Was there anything wrong with him? Again, no. She couldn’t really articulate what was missing, she just had this sense that maybe there was something more out there.

Off to the gym…

Thinking of that conversation made me think of the gym. Bear with me a moment and hopefully this will make sense…

Have you ever had a gym membership? If not, have you ever bought a piece of exercise equipment for your home (same ideas apply)? Many people get a membership and at first they use it quite regularly. But after a while the novelty of going to the gym wears off and it’s not used as frequently. Things like work, kids, or just life in general start to get in the way. It gets harder to make it to the gym, and it seems like there just isn’t enough time.

After a while, people realize that they’re barely using the membership. They may look at it occasionally and feel guilty, knowing they *should* be using it. Once they’ve gotten out of the habit of using it, it becomes hard to motivate yourself to get back. Periodically they will make use of it, but once they’ve let it drop in priority the same effort isn’t there. They may still use it, but they are just kind of going through the motions.

Some people hold onto the membership anyhow, telling themselves that they will get back one of these days. Others realize that they won’t get back, and they cancel the membership.

Believe me, if you attend a gym regularly you see this cycle play out frequently. After a while you get to know who the regulars are and who the drop-ins are. Usually at new years the gym will get a rash of new people, but within a few weeks the numbers start to drop. Some drop quickly, others last a bit longer. In fairness, some do to stick it out and become new regulars.

The exact same thing happens in relationships. The success of a relationship really comes down to commitment. What you get out of a relationship is completely dependent on what you put into it.

You only get out what you put in

Thinking of the traditional marriage vows (listed above), I realize that they are missing something important. They really just talk about staying in the marriage under all circumstances (sickness, health, good times and bad), and that is part of it. But is commitment really just about staying in the marriage? Just because you haven’t physically left a marriage, does that mean you have kept your vows? No. Just like going to the gym and going through the motions won’t help you get stronger or lose weight, staying in a marriage doesn’t mean you are committed. Commitment is about what you put in.

Take a look at this:

MarriageBox

I love this concept of a “Marriage Box”, and to me it sums up everything about what it means to be committed to a marriage. I used to think the commitment was only about a refusal to give up. But the more I look at it I realize that commitment is not just about what it takes for someone to walk away from something, but it’s about what someone is willing to put in. It’s about not just worrying about yourself, but also dedicating yourself to you spouses welfare and happiness.

Self fulfilling prophecy

In the book “Love is Never Enough”, Dr. Beck gives examples of some of the couples he’s worked with. In one of the examples (starting on pg 221 if you’re interested) he describes a woman who had a negative image of relationships from her parents. She married, but for fear of getting hurt she never truly committed herself to the marriage. She held back, and was constantly looking for flaws in her husband as these gave her rationalizations for not fully committing herself to the marriage.

The problem is, by not fully committing she also caused considerable tension in the relationship. Her efforts to protect herself from potentially being hurt put her on the path to destroying the very relationship that she was scared of being hurt by.

Thinking of my friend, I wonder if there is something similar happening. Has she really committed herself to the relationship she has with her husband? I don’t know her situation, but she could take the time she spends thinking about what “could be out there” and focus it on making her relationship the best it can be.

The example from the book does seem to have a happy ending though, and I think it’s one we can all learn from. As the wife started to focus on the positives in her marriage she was able to commit herself to it more. As she gave more of herself, she ended up receiving more in return as her husband was more loving and attentive. Her relationship strengthened, and she found that as she put more of her heart into it, her relationship became more fulfilling.

The power of positive thinking

If you read my post on happiness, you know that I’m a big believer in the power of positive thinking, and I believe that it’s a key to happiness. Focusing on what you have instead of what’s missing will give you a greater appreciation of the things you do have.

When it comes to relationships I can guarantee that for anyone, in any relationship, there IS someone else out there that you *could* be happier with. But so what?

Perfection doesn’t exist, it’s an ideal. No relationship is perfect. Short of any deal-breakers (infidelity and abuse being common ones for people), what you have today can probably get better if you and your spouse commit yourselves to the relationships and each other. Embrace what you have and see imperfections as ways to improve.

I opened with talking about wedding vows. With current divorce rates the traditional vows may as well be:

As long as I feel like it,
And it’s convenient for me,
Till something better comes along

Get out of that mindset. Ask yourself what you can do, today, to make your relationship better. Recommit yourself to your spouse and your relationship, and embrace a happier future.