Category Archives: couples

Setting Goals

Posted in Communication, couples, Happiness, Identity, Life, Love, Relationship Help, Relationships by

Goals

Have you ever seen the Pixar movie Up? It’s a great movie and in my opinion it was the last of the great Pixar films. Seriously, if you love movies look at the films Pixar released prior to that. Monsters Inc, Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, Cars, Ratatouille and WALL-E. These weren’t just “kids movies”. Sure they had cute colorful characters and funny moments; but they also dealt with serious topics and had a lot of heart.

Even from Pixar Up was unique. It was about an old man who is stubbornly holding on to his house, his last connection to a wife who died years ago. When he’s about to be evicted and sent to a seniors home he embarks on the adventure he had always dreamed of.

The opening sequence of the movie really stands out for me. In it you see two children meet due to a shared love of adventure. They fall in love, get married and start a life together with the dreams of the trip they will take. But “life” keeps getting in the way, and find that they are never able to achieve their dream together. I’ve seen Up a few times now, and that opening sequence still makes me cry like a baby. Laugh if you want, I don’t care. I’m secure in who I am. You can check out most of the opening sequence here. If that doesn’t move you in some way then sorry, you’re either a robot or an alien.

Part of the reason Up resonated with me is because of my own grandfather, and my memories of the last time I saw him. That night we sat in his kitchen talking about all sorts of things, and the topic of traveling came up. My grandfather was a very religious man, and he told me he had always dreamed of seeing Vatican City. I hadn’t known that, but honestly I didn’t know very much about him. It’s amazing how people can be part of our lives yet we can know so little about them. He was my grandfather and that was how I knew him. Sadly, I really didn’t know much about my grandfather the man.

At the time I didn’t know that would be the last day I ever saw him, but he passed away a few days later. That last conversation has stuck with me, and I can still picture how wistful he was that night for dreams never achieved and opportunities lost. There are always defining moments in your life that shape you, and that was one of mine.

Dreams

The capacity to dream is one of the things that differentiates humanity from other animals. It allows us to have science, art and culture.

Everyone has dreams. We all have things that we want to see, do, and accomplish; and a bucket list is really just a list of things that we want to do in our lifetime.

In the early days of a relationship, sharing of bucket lists is often part of the process of getting to know the other person and finding out if the two of you are a good fit. It helps build connection, as there is intimacy in opening ourselves up to another person and letting them in to our hopes and dreams. And when those hopes and dreams seem to align, it makes it easy to imagine a future with the other person. After all, you want the same things and are on the same path. So why not do it together?

Dreams vs Goals

There is a difference between dreams and goals though, and sharing similar dreams does not mean you have similar goals.

A friends marriage broke down a few years back, and when I talked to her about what had happened one of her biggest disappointments was she felt her husband had no ambition. When they first met they shared their hopes and dreams, and she had visions of the future they would share. But as the years went by she felt it was all talk, as he didn’t actually do anything or take any action to achieve those dreams.

I knew the guy fairly well, and he did have dreams. But it’s easy to have dreams, and it’s easy to have a bucket list. What isn’t easy is prioritizing those dreams and making them happen. Goals are based on dreams. The difference is that they are something you are actively working towards, and you have planned out a way to make them happen.

Goal-Setting-300x224

One thing many people don’t seem to understand about goals is that they don’t just happen on their own. They involve planning and sacrifice. In order to achieve something you generally have to give something else up. It may be time, money, or other opportunities, but you can’t have everything.

As an individual it is important that you have goals, as they show you have initiative. When you go for a job interview one of the most common questions interviewers ask is where you see yourself in 2-5 years. Often they don’t really care *what* your answer is. They are simply looking for proof that you have a vision for yourself and where you want to go.

Planning Together

In a relationship one of the most rewarding things you can do is not only sharing dreams, but sharing goals and working towards them together.

It’s very easy to get caught up in the daily routines of life, so it is important to have both long and short term goals (like the 2 & 5 year plans that interviewers ask) as both an individual and a couple to look forward to.

Is there a big trip you want to do? A house? Renovations on the existing place? Courses you want to take? As I mentioned earlier, you can’t have everything. All of this stuff involves a commitment of both time and money. You need to prioritize which ones are most important to you (both individually and as a couple) and come up with a plan on how you will go about achieving these goals.

If there are individual goals for you or your partner that are a priority it’s important that you support each other in those goals, because it’s just as important for each of you to grow as individuals as it is to grow as a couple. You should have periodic checkpoints where you talk about these goals and see how you are doing, or if there is anything you want to change.

Knowing that you are working towards both your individual and common goals together shows commitment to the future. It also helps build and strengthen the connection you share. And accomplishing goals together builds experiences that you can never take away.

Be Flexible

One reminder about goals is that life is unpredictable. An unexpected pregnancy, a lost job, a broken relationship. Any number of things can happen to you that can completely derail your long and short term plans. Life throws curveballs at you, and you need to adjust accordingly.

In the movie Up the couple never was able to make their trip together, and not achieving that dream filled the main character with a sense of loss. They had a photo album that they planned on filling with the pictures and memories of the trip they never took. Near the end of the movie there is a beautiful moment where the husband looks in the photo album and realizes his wife has filled it with pictures of their life. They didn’t have the adventure they expected, but their life together was their adventure.

My grandfather never made it to Vatican City, he never achieved that dream. At the end he had regrets about it, but what would he have traded? I honestly don’t know, but I would like to think nothing. I like to think he gave that up because he prioritized other things, and he was happy with the decisions he made in his life.

So set goals. Dream together and plan together. And no matter what life throws at you, do it together.

Not in Love

Posted in couples, Love, Relationship Help, Relationships, Romance by

“I love you but I’m not in love with you.”

Ten words that no one ever wants to hear, as they usually sound the death knell of a relationship. But they are also word that I don’t really understand. If you really think about it, what does that actually even mean? What is the difference between loving someone and being “in love” with them?

The Nature of Love

Think of all the people you love. Chances are your list contains a number of family members. Parents, grandparents, siblings, and children (plus more, but I don’t want to go on forever). Who else do you love? You probably love your friends. What about acquaintances or co-workers? Doubtful, but I’m sure there is some sort of connection with them. How about your doctor or dentist? Probably not.

For the people you love there are definitely differences in the way that you love them. So what is love? I think love all about connection. Imagine for the moment that the depth of love can be measured in the degree of connection we have with someone. In that case, then not counting children and our partner, the person who we have the deepest connection with is likely our best friend (I actually think your partner and best friend should be the same person, but I’ll take this to be your best friend other than your partner).

Something I have often wondered is what does this mean for romantic love? How is the love you have for your best friend different from the love you have for your partner? The key difference between your romantic relationship and your closest non-romantic relationship seems to be intimacy. But there is emotional intimacy in your close non-romantic relationships too. So what is the difference? Is it purely physical attraction?

Let me put this another way – why is it that you will hug/kiss/have sex with your partner, but not your best friend?

Hormonal Soup

The previous question may seem a bit facetious. One big roadblock is that a persons best friend is (normally) not of the same gender that they have a sexual preference for. But even if that weren’t the case, is a romantic relationship really just about sexuality? The sexual side of a relationship is important but relationships need to be based on more than that in order to survive.

In a number of posts I’ve talked about stages of love, and how in most romantic relationships when you fall in love the passion and emotion of the early stage is not sustainable. That’s not due to anything wrong with the relationship, it’s just the way “love” affects us physiologically. Love causes our hormones to go crazy, and in the early days it can color how we perceive the other person and their actions.

But it can’t do this forever. Science tells us that this early infatuation stage is temporary, lasting from six months to two years at most.

A different perspective

I recently read a great article on the idea of “I love you but I’m not in love with you”. It’s worth reading the whole thing, but here’s the part I thought was the most interesting:

Some disenchanted partners confront their mate during marital counseling by saying: “I love you – but I am not in love with you”. They often use this declaration when they feel that their union is in jeopardy. Actually, the shift from ‘in love’ to ‘loving’ should be viewed as a normal transition from illusion to reality.

Psychologically, the end of the infatuation stage awakens the lover from viewing the love object as an idealized person to seeing him/her as a person with both assets and liabilities. This realistic perception is needed for healthy attachment and committed love. The response to “I love you, but I am not in love with you” should be: “Thank you for loving me, now we can begin a real and effective relationship”.

Relationships go through normal transitions. You initially fell in lust, now you are at the point that you need to determine if that lust will develop into love.

The Wear and Tear of Time

So when faced with “I love you but I’m not in love with you” it’s possible that it is simply the natural transition of a relationship. But it’s more likely they are using that term to describe the breakdown of the relationship. What they are really saying is:

We’ve had some good times, but I don’t want to spend my life with you anymore.

For this to happen both the romantic love and the basic connection has broken down.

Think of your relationship like a car. When you get it, it’s shiny and new. At any point in time there can be a major accident that makes the car irreparable, but it’s more common for cars to wear down over time. Parts wear down, but regular maintenance allows you to correct little problems in the car and prevent them from turning into big ones. If you don’t do regular maintenance you limit the potential lifespan of the car, and run the risk of having it completely break down.

Relationships are similar in that sometimes major incidents cause the relationship to break down. But it’s much more common for the accumulation of little hurts over many years to cause the connection to break down. Caught early enough it is possible to repair things. But if problems go unaddressed for too long, the damage may be too extensive to repair.

Preventative Measures

Relationships require regular maintenance, and the article lists a few ideas for keeping your relationship strong:

  • Hold your mate in reverence even when you do not appreciate his/her behavior
  • Assume that all of your partner’s displeasing conduct comes from pain- not dysfunction
  • Will yourself to be as compassionate as you can and your relationship will thrive

I can’t say I would use the word “reverence”, but I agree with the basic sentiment. I believe sustained love is dependent on “how” we approach love, and each other.

Love is a choice

Love is a choice. Accept that your partner has flaws, and instead of focusing on who they aren’t love them for who they are. Make your partner a priority in your life, and never stop putting in the effort or doing the little things to show them that you care.

The main preventative measure for keeping your relationship alive is communication. Always take time to talk and to listen. Be present. Don’t let little problems build up and become big ones.

To keep your relationship alive make sure you laugh together, dance together, sing together, and take time every day to appreciate each other.

Communication Breakdown

Posted in Communication, Communication Issues, couples, Happiness, Love, Relationship Help, Relationships by

communicate1

Communication is universally regarded as one of the most important aspects of any relationship, and it is also seen as one of the best indicators of long term success.

If you look up quotes on communication in relationships it’s amazing how many you’ll find. Here is one of my favorites:

Communication is the fuel that keeps the fire of your relationship burning, without it your relationship goes cold – William Paisley

Inherently we all know how important communication is. Yet I commonly hear people talk about how they aren’t able to communicate with their spouse. Well actually that’s not true. We’re always communicating even when no words are spoken. It’s just that we often do it poorly. So the question becomes why do so many of us communicate so poorly? To understand that, we have to understand a bit more about what communication is.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary provides the following definition for communication:

the act or process of using words, sounds, signs, or behaviors to express or exchange information or to express your ideas, thoughts, feelings, etc., to someone else

When people think communication, verbal is often the first thing that comes to mind. As the definition indicates though, communication is any form of expression. It can also be written communication, body language, and touch.

In a relationship I think body language and touch are the most important forms of communication. Sometimes you can say more with a smile, a hug, or a squeeze of the hand than any words can convey. And as I discussed in my post on sex, intimacy (which doesn’t just mean sex) is a special form of communication specific to relationships. It’s the thing that separates that special someone in your life from just another friend.

The Perfect World

What does communication look like in a perfect world? I think this sums it up quite nicely:

LoveandTrust

You can tell the other person anything without fear of ridicule or embarrassment. You can talk about anything, good things and bad. You can deal with conflict points together without either of you getting defensive or critical, because you know that you are doing it for the betterment of the relationship. Communication used this way lets you promote understanding of each other, and help strengthen your connection.

For this to happen you need to be in a situation where you have allowed all your walls to come down, and you have let the other person in completely (or at least as much as possible); and they have done the same with you.

And Now for a Dose of Reality

Of course in a perfect world I could eat chocolate all day while having the body of an Olympic gymnast. I would speak 10 languages and spend my days travelling the world with my family; going from villa to villa on our private jet. And perhaps I would spend my weekends roaming the countryside on my pet unicorn while figuring out the cure to cancer and how to create world peace. But sadly, perfection doesn’t exist.

You see, people have feelings and emotions, and sometimes the things that need to be said aren’t easy to hear. Not just that, but how you say something is just as important as what you say.

There’s an oft cited study that found the actual words used in verbal communication only make 7% of the message. The remaining 93% of the message comes from the tone of voice and body language used when conveying the message. Recent studies have found that the spoken words are closer to 30%, but even with the new numbers it’s clear that tone and body language are still really important.

When it comes to relationships, the point is that you have to be careful how you communicate. If you have a sensitive issue you want to discuss, it’s best to try to figure out what you want to say and try to do it rationally. When emotions are running high it’s very easy for the actual meaning to get lost in the emotion. When someone is in attack mode, it’s just human nature for people to withdraw, or get defensive.

In his book “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, Dr. John Gottman says that conflict is normal, and couples will fight. One of his findings is that there is no correlation between how frequently a couple fights and their level of marital success. What does have a strong link to marital success is HOW they fight. He calls criticism (where you attack their character), contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” for relationships. It’s important to try and find a way to communicate while keeping those to a minimum.

Barriers to communication

Beyond worrying about how you communicate, you also have to be conscious about various things that act as barriers to communication.

One of the biggest barriers is that we all interpret things through the filters of our own expectations and experiences. I’ve talked about this a bit in a prior post.

There are also theories that women and men simply communicate differently. One of the most common differences is the way men and women approach issues. Supposedly men interrupt more, have a harder time expressing gratitude and apologizing. Men also try to “solve” things while women often just want to be heard. This last one is wonderfully illustrated in the short film It’s not about the nail (If you haven’t seen the video, check it out. Seriously, it’s priceless). I’m not sure I buy into most of the gender differences, but I can definitely relate to that one.

I think it’s fair to say that communication is one of, if not THE most important aspects of a relationship. But there are many things that can make communication difficult. Because of this, perhaps the most important thing that you can do as a couple is work on your communication strategies on a daily basis, always striving to improve them.

Different people have different ways to communicate. Learn to understand your own preferred method of communication, and learn your partners. Come up with a way of communicating with each other that works for both of you, and spend the rest of your lives making this a priority. Communication is the lifeblood of your relationship, and without it your relationship will be at risk.

Communication breakdown

In the early days of relationship, communication seems to come easy. In those early days, although you may be talking, you are really in the stage that you are still learning about each other. Eventually there will come a point in time when you know the other person well enough that there is nothing new to tell.

Let’s face it, most of life is routine. For many years you wake up and get ready for work. In most cases your job is largely the same day to day, so the stories of “what did you do today dear?” really don’t change much.

If you add children to the relationship, by the time your work day is done and the children are in bed one or both or you are often exhausted. Many couples find that a number of years go by where they have had very little time to be a couple, and that can take a toll.

I was talking to a friend a few months back who has two primary school aged children. Often their couple time was limited to a few hours here and there when the kids were at a party or something, and they would use that time to run errands or catch up on things on their to do list. One day he decided that instead of that, they would go on a date. No errands, and no talking about the kids. They went out for dinner, and he found they didn’t really know what to do, or how to talk to each other. Their lives had been built around being parents for so long that they had lost sight of how to be a couple.

I think this is a common problem, and it’s a transition many parents go through when their kids get old enough that they are no longer completely dependent on them. For many couples this is a very difficult transition. Even without kids, it is something that most couples will face eventually. There simply comes a point in time where you know each other so well there isn’t a lot to say.

Because of this, it’s important that you never get so caught up in the routines of day to day life that you stop being a couple. Make each other a priority in your lives, and never stop talking. It’s important that each of you has your own interests to give your relationship space to grow, but you should also try to find an activity that you can do together (preferably one that gets you out of the house), and ensure you make that a priority.

Over time, routine will always set in. But set goals together and ensure you are working towards those goals. Never stop talking to each other, and letting each other into your hearts and souls. Sometimes silence is beautiful and peaceful. Like those times when you are side by side, and no words are needed. When you can say more with a simple look, or a squeeze of the hand then words could ever convey. Other times, silence can be deafening and be the most painful feeling there is.

In the words of Robert Smith of The Cure:

Side by side in silence
They pass away the day
So comfortable, so habitual…
And so nothing left to say

And side by side in silence
Without a single word…

It’s the loudest sound
It’s the loudest sound…

It’s the loudest sound I ever heard

Just Along for the Ride

Posted in couples, Happiness, Life, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help, Relationships by

Decision-Making-Strategies

A buddy of mine recently sent me a pretty interesting article on relationships.

The article talks about a study of couples that was done where they looked for a correlation between marital satisfaction and how couples handled relationship “milestones”. Here’s an explanation of what it means by milestones:

Every relationship goes through milestones, or transitions, that mark how serious the relationship is getting. Going on a first date is one; a first kiss is another. Other milestones might include the “define the relationship” talk—the moment a couple says they are actually a couple—sex, engagement, marriage, and children.

What they found was that there are couples who, as they put it, “slide through these milestones”; and there are couples who made conscious decisions on these milestones. Not surprisingly, the couples who made conscious decisions on the milestones reported a higher degree of marital satisfaction then the couples where things just kind of happened.

Happiness and Choice

If you’ve read any of my previous entries hopefully it’s clear that I believe life is all about choice. Life is a journey where we are faced with choices every step of the way. Some are small (what should I have for dinner tonight?), and others are a bit more significant (do I want to marry this person?). Some choices are easy, while others are very difficult to make. Each choice we make closes certain doors and opens other ones.

I believe one of the keys to happiness is being active in decision making. Sometimes you make good decisions, and other times you wish life had a rewind button. But as long as you have consciously made the decision, you own it, and it’s up to you to make the best of it. Because at the end of the day, the only person that you have control over is yourself.

One of the things I really like about the article is it suggest that when we actually put some thought behind “why” we do things, we are able to get more enjoyment out of things.

Think of marriage. Generally marriage is something that people do by choice. But what are the reasons behind the decision? Did you get married because you were pregnant, and felt you had to? Did you get married because you felt it was time to “settle down”? Or did you get married because you looked at your partner and you knew that you wanted to build your life around theirs?

All of those reasons result in marriage, but I think there is a big difference between wanting to be with someone, feeling that you probably should be with the person, or just not wanting to be alone. It stands to reason that doing something because you “want” it will result in more satisfaction then doing something because…

…well, just because.

Choosing Milestones

Something I’ve talked about before is that I don’t believe romantic love is really love. Romantic love as portrayed in poems and movies is a wonderful thing, but it’s really just the first stage of love and it’s largely a biochemical response. Real, mature love can only blossom after that infatuation stage has passed.

At that point love becomes a choice. Do you accept the other person as they are, flaws and all? Because they *will* have flaws, but you’ll be largely blind to them during the infatuation stage. Do you look at the positives, and value them for who they are, instead of who they aren’t?

Looking at the milestones listed earlier, only things like the first kiss and the first time you have sex seem like things that you shouldn’t plan. Somehow that seems a little bit too calculated. I can just picture it:

“So, we haven’t kissed yet. Do you think we should? Yes? Well upon contemplation I’m inclined to agree. What are your thoughts on tongue? No? Fair enough. Alright, let’s count to three and then do this.”

That’s probably not the way you want your first kiss to go, never mind the first time you have sex (at least not unless you are someone like Sheldon from “The Big Bang Theory”. In that case I could see the conversation).

But even for things like your first kiss and sex, you both should feel that you are at a place in your relationship where you are emotionally ready for it. You may not discuss it with each other, but you should at least have had the discussion with yourself. Those aren’t things you should be doing just because you feel you have to.

Placing Importance on the Relationship

One of the indicators of success in a relationship is the importance people place on the relationship itself. Especially when it comes to marriage, studies have shown that people who value the concept of marriage have both higher satisfaction and success in their marriages.

The article talks about the same sort of idea:

Deciding rather than sliding revolves around commitment. Not just to each other, but to the decision itself. Making a decision, research shows, sets individuals up for better follow-through.

I think this is all about buy-in. When you make a conscious decision to do something, you have a greater emotional investment in it. You have greater incentive in seeing it succeed.

Ultimately love is a choice, and commitment is a choice. In any long term relationship, there will be times when it is tested. When you are having a hard time liking each other, it’s hard to see why you should be committed to each other. But if you see the relationship as something larger than just the two of you, having commitment to your Commitment (capital “C”) can help you get through the tough times.

Let’s Talk about Sex (part 2)

Posted in Communication, couples, Happiness, Love, Relationship Help, Romance, Sex by

couple-bed-9

My last entry talked about sex and the benefits it has for relationships. A common problem couples run into is differing sex drives, which fluctuate over time. Your sex life is often a barometer of the overall health of your relationship. Sex is supposed to help build and maintain the bond between a couple, but it can also become an “issue” and a source of conflict in a relationship. In this entry I want to focus on when sex does become a source of conflict, and what you can do.

Types of Sex

First I want to look at two different types of sex. And no, I’m not talking about positions or anything like that. What I’m referring to is sex as just the physical act (or physical release) vs. sex as a form of communication and connection. Sometimes I’ve seen this distinction referred to as sex vs. making love. The act may be largely the same, but there is a difference emotionally and in terms of connection.

Last spring I was at the Zoo watching the monkeys (ah monkeys, they never cease to make me smile). Anyhow, a female monkey was walking along casually when another ran up and… um… shall we say “took her” from behind. Yeah it’s nature, but it was still a bit disconcerting to have it happen right in front of you. What I saw definitely wouldn’t have qualified as making love, or intimate sex. I have my doubts there was any connection there (especially when the female had no idea what was going on until it happened).

Something like a one night stand is really only the physical act. It’s not quite the same as the monkeys, but although it may feel passionate the only connection happening there is aided by hormones (and likely alcohol). Truly making love requires trust and openness, which can only really develop in a fairly committed relationship over time.

In a committed relationship there is place for both types of sex. Sex for physical release is fine, and can be great as a stress reliever. But it needs to be balanced with the more intimate form of sex or sex can become a source of resentment in a relationship.

What is the Real Problem?

Back to sexual issues in a relationship, one of the most important things to keep in mind is:

Sexual issues are rarely about sex

Sex is a form of communication. It’s a physical manifestation of the love, caring and compassion that you share for one another. If there are any underlying issues in your relationship, there’s a pretty good chance that there’s a bit of a breakdown in caring and compassion. When this happens the openness required for meaningful sex is likely missing (or at least somewhat hampered). You may or may not still be having sex, but without the emotional connection sex becomes purely the physical act.

If there is tension in the relationship, chances are you already know it. If that’s the case you probably shouldn’t be shocked if the sexual side of the relationship has broken down somewhat. Maybe, just maybe you would be better of focusing on the actual issues instead of the sexual ones. Even showing that you recognize that there are issues and you are interested in working on them can go a long way to restoring the closeness required for sex.

Lets imagine for a moment that your relationships IS in a good state. Maybe there are a few disagreements here and there, but there’s no real underlying tension. If this is the case, but you are still unhappy sexually then there are a few things to think about…

Intimacy vs. Sex

The first thing to do is ask yourself what sex really means to you. This is a personal question, and the answers will be different for everyone.

For instance, guys and girls seem to have some pretty different thoughts around sex. Here’s an awesome video illustrating some of these differences. Yeah, it’s an exaggeration (but it’s still pretty damn funny).

Where many people (mostly guys) get themselves in trouble is that they equate intimacy with sex. I’ve actually talked to buddies who use the words interchangeably, and I can tell from the context of the conversation that they REALLY don’t get that there’s a difference.

It’s possible to have sex with no intimacy at all, at which point it’s been reduced to the physical act. Sex the physical act is a biological urge. It’s a characteristic we share with any other animal (like the monkey from the zoo) It’s still pleasurable because of all the nerve endings and stuff, but it is not the same as sex in the context of intimacy.

So what is intimacy? I’m sure everyone has their own thought on it, but here’s my take:

Intimacy is about connection. It’s emotional, physical, and even spiritual. Sex is a form of intimacy, but it’s not intimacy. Intimacy is the little things – the touches, the smiles, and the shared looks. Intimacy is feeling loved, feeling valued, and giving that in return. Intimacy is opening up to each other, sharing hopes and dreams, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable with another person. Intimacy is about openness.

Sex in the context of intimacy is the deepest form of sharing a couple can have. You are literally giving yourself to your partner, and symbolically the two of you have joined as one. It needs to be as much about what you give as it is about what you receive.

Can you have intimacy without sex? Of course. I believe that most of your intimate contact is non-sexual. Hugging, holding hands, non-sexual touch. These little signs of affection are forms of communication and intimacy.

If your only intimate contact with your spouse results in sex, then you’ve probably got a problem. Can you have an intimate relationship without EVER having sex? Technically yes, but I would say no. Sex is a form of expression and it is an important part of an intimate relationship. It is a physical manifestation of love, caring and compassion. There may be medical reasons why it’s difficult. But short of that if you are in a long term relationship without intimate sex that’s probably a sign of underlying issues.

Sex in the Media

Another reason you may be unhappy sexually is unrealistic expectations.

Guys are the ones who supposedly have these crazy out of control sex drives, but look at the way sex is portrayed for women!!! Look at the cover of pretty much any “womens” magazine in the grocery aisle. Headlines like “20 positions to drive him wild”, “men’s sex secrets – can you handle the truth” and “sexier sex tonight” are all over the covers. Sexier sex tonight? Really? Who writes this stuff? And yes, those titles came from real magazine covers.

Look at many of the prime-time TV dramas, and most of them involve people falling in love (or lust) and having sex. If you watch a few seasons of many of these shows they are a case of musical beds. Pretty much everyone sleeps with everyone else at one point in time or another. Then there’s the whole romance novel genre that is geared towards female readers, where there is lust, intrigue and everyone always orgasms at the exact same time.

I understand that the entertainment industry is a form of escapism, but just as all the billboards of Victoria Secret type models aren’t positive for a woman’s sense of body image, the way sex is portrayed in the media will make most people feel they don’t measure up.

What is Normal?

A big question many people ask themselves is, what is normal? Am I normal? How does my sex life compare to everyone else’s? If you try comparing yourself to what you see in media (TV, movies, books, etc) you’re in for disappointment. I talked a bit about this in a prior post, but most people seem to believe that everyone else has a better situation than their own, so we feel like we are somehow lacking by comparison.

You can’t even trust the “experts”. If you do a web search, you will likely find sex therapists saying that most couples have sex once or twice a week. Some people probably look at that and think “oh man, twice a week? I would be happy with twice a month!!!” Others may think “twice a week? Yeah, maybe if we only see each other one day that week.”

Honestly there is no normal. How new is your relationship? How old are you? Do you have kids? If so, how old are the kids? What’s your job situation? How is your general health? There are countless factors that can influence your sex life. Trying to compare your sex life to someone else’s or trying to figure out if you are “normal” is an exercise in futility. All you are likely to do is make yourself even more self conscious and frustrated.

What’s really important is how happy are you with it. How happy is your spouse with it? Is it a source of conflict in your relationship? If it’s not a source of conflict, then it’s probably normal for you. If it is, how do you deal with it?

Communicate

If your sex life is a source of conflict, the best thing you can do is talk about it and get it out in the open. The taboo nature of sex makes it difficult to talk about it, and we need to get past that. If you are in a committed relationship with someone then this is one of many conversations you should be having.

If you’ve never talked about sex beyond “want to have it now?”, maybe it’s a good time to do so. Coming to a common understanding sexually is something that can only enhance your relationship. Try to be understanding of each other and don’t be critical or defensive.

Maybe your issue is just boredom with the same routines all the time. There’s a good chance each of you have fantasies, so share them. If you can’t share them with the person you are (hopefully) imagining acting them out with, who can you share them with? Everyone has boundaries on what they are comfortable with, but as long as something doesn’t cross those boundaries be willing to try anything at least once.

If nothing else, make time for your sexuality. If it is something you have let fall by the wayside, make it a priority again.

Nowhere else to turn

For the person with the lower sex drive, keep in mind that this is the one facet of a relationship your partner can’t share with anyone else.

If you aren’t interested in a movie your partner wants to see, no problem, you can go with a friend. But when it comes to sex? You can’t really call up a buddy and say “hey, my husband/wife doesn’t want to have sex with me tonight, so are you up for it?” Well I guess you could, but it probably wouldn’t be received very well. And it could make for some serious awkwardness if it is. Realistically, options are limited to the right hand, the left hand, or some form of battery powered device. In the long term none of those are overly appealing choices.

I’m a firm believer in marriage and in commitment. But long “dry spells” can put serious strain on a relationship. I don’t ever condone cheating, but sex is a basic need for most people and without it people can start to get restless. I don’t believe it’s possible to have a strong relationship unless there is at least some satisfaction for both sides sexually.

For the person with the higher sex drive, the worst thing you can do is make the other person feel guilty. If you guilt the other person into sex, this WILL backfire on you. The other person won’t be engaged, and you are laying the groundwork for resentment. Sex is supposed to build connection, not break it down.

Sex can be a great stress reliever, but it requires a feeling of connection up front. It can be difficult to feel “up to it” when someone is highly stressed. Ask yourself what you can do to reduce stress for your partner (and this shouldn’t just be done with sex as a hoped for outcome). Help out wherever you can.

Keep in mind that sex is only one form of intimacy. It’s important, but you should be able to enjoy all forms of intimacy in the relationship. Intimate contact doesn’t always have to result in sex, and if you are pushing for that you are probably building resentment about sex.

Finding a Balance

People have different sex drives, and they vary over time. In a long term relationship there will be times that are better than others.

Whether you are happy with your sex life or it has become a source of conflict in your relationship, it’s something you should talk about. Discuss your hopes and expectations. And be prepared to adjust them somewhat if there is a gap.

It’s not fair for the person with the higher sex drive to expect their partner to reciprocate whenever they want. But it’s also not fair for the person with the lower drive to expect sex to only happen when they want it.

Sex is supposed to enhance your relationship and both build and maintain connection. Try to be understanding of each other, as a satisfied sex life will make the relationship better for both partners.

Let’s Talk about Sex (part 1)

Posted in Communication, couples, Happiness, Love, Relationship Help, Romance, Sex by

Couple_in_bed

Sex is often THE big elephant in the room when it comes to long term relationships. It’s something that is in reality a very small part of a relationship (at least in terms of time spent), but it’s importance to the relationship bond cannot be overstated. Sex is easy in the early stage of a relationship when everything is new and exciting. As the years go by though, even in strong relationships the frequency usually decreases noticeably. Add any sort of issues or tension to the relationship and sex is often the first thing to go.

Here’s an interesting quote from Dr. Phil:

If you have a good sexual relationship, it registers about ten percent on the “important scale”. If you do not have a good sexual relationship, that registers about ninety percent on the “important scale”.

What constitutes a “good sexual relationship” is definitely a matter of debate, but if nothing else it’s safe to say that the idea behind that statement is correct. If you are feeling satisfied sexually then sex really isn’t an issue for you. But if you aren’t? Well, sexual issues can take on a life of their own.

A barometer of heath

Why do we enter into relationships in the first place? The stereotype on guys is that all they are really looking for is sex, and I’ll be the first to argue that relationships are about so much more than that. They are about emotional fulfillment, a desire to both give and receive love, acceptance and a sense of belonging. They are also about commitment, and building towards the future.

But at the same time yeah, relationships are about sexual fulfillment (which is actually different from sex, but I’ll get to that later). Although it’s only a part of a relationship I think everyone has an unspoken expectation that when they commit to a lifetime together, sex will be part of the deal.

Lets face it, physical attraction is part of what draws us together in the first place. When we first meet a potential “someone” and we are trying to determine if there is an emotional connection and if it will go anywhere, there is at least a part of us that is imaging and anticipating the physical one. This *could* just be a guy thing, but I don’t think so.

The quality of a couples sex life is actually a barometer for the overall health of the relationship. If you are happy with the quality of your sex life there’s a pretty good chance that you are also happy with your overall relationship.

Purpose of Sex

Sexual attraction is part of what draws us together, but what is the purpose of sex? Yes it’s needed for procreation, but that’s not the only purpose it serves. Why do we want it?

The easy answer is that it feels good (or at least it should). In a loving, committed relationship it also provides additional value, both to your own personal health and the health of your relationship.

For your relationship sex is important for both building and maintaining connection. This is actually hormonal, as sex causes the release of oxytocin (sometimes known as the “love hormone”). You know that relaxed sense of contentment after sex? That’s largely due to oxytocin. It can help with feelings of contentment and calmness while decreasing anxiety and protecting against stress. It’s also been found to help facilitate feelings of trust and attachment between people (Incidentally, all gestures of affection help with this too).

Beyond helping maintain connection, many researchers have found links between sex and other areas of health. Here are a few of the links that have been found:

  • Lower blood pressure
  • Mental health. Sex can reduce stress and help fight depression and anxiety
  • Self esteem. Supposedly it boosts self esteem and confidence
  • Pain relief. Headaches are a common clichéd excuse to avoid sex, but the hormones released can relieve pain
  • Bladder control. This one is more for women than men, but sex involves the muscles used in kegels
  • Sounder sleep. The same endorphins that reduce stress can help give you a better sleep

Some of these health claims seem a bit dubious to me. They make me wonder if it’s actually the sex that contributes to making people healthy, or if it’s just that people who are healthier tend to have more sex.

But hey, it feels good and it’s good for building and maintaining connection in your relationship – that much is fact! So if it happens to contribute to health at the same time, great. All the more reason to try and be a bit more active in the bedroom (or living room, or kitchen. Heck, even the pantry – whatever works for you), right?

Well, in spite of all the positives that sex brings to a relationship it can also be a great source of conflict.

Different Drives

One of the first potential problems is that everyone’s drive is different. Men *usually* have a higher drive than women, and most of this entry is written from that perspective. I recognize that’s not always the case though, so feel free to flip the narrative if applicable.

In a perfect world a couple’s sex drive is in sync, but perfection doesn’t exist. Even if you did find someone where your drive is very close, the next problem becomes that drive is not a constant. It’s going to fluctuate over time, and the odds of it fluctuating in the same way for a couple is pretty much non-existent.

So differences in drive are normal and to be expected. But beyond the normal fluctuations between people, there are additional things that can exacerbate this difference.

Things that “get in the way”

There are many factors that can impact sex-drive, and many of these factors seem to impact women more than they impact men.

Stress, anxiety and depression are things that can negatively impact drive, and stats show that women are 3 times as likely to be diagnosed as having issues with anxiety and depression.

Body image is also a big thing that can impact drive in both women and men. It’s hard to have sex with all your clothes on (plus it’s really not all that satisfying). If you aren’t at least somewhat happy with your own body it can be pretty difficult to be naked with someone.

Media images of Victoria Secret type bodies on actresses and models give women a very unrealistic standard to compare themselves to, and this contributes to body image issues. But to all the ladies out there, when you are obsessing over the need to lose an extra 5 or 10 lbs your guy is often pretty confused as to where it is supposed to come from or they simply don’t see why you need to lose it. I’m pretty sure your guy thinks you look great the way you are.

Guys have often been thought of as being less affected by body image issues, but studies have shown that this is increasingly becoming an issue for men as well.

Related to body image issues is child birth, which can affect women both in terms of both hormone levels and body image. The transition from woman to “mother” can often make it difficult for women to feel sexy again.

Sex drive is related to hormones, so even something like a womans monthly menstrual cycle affect drive, as it can send hormone levels all over the map.

Basically, it doesn’t matter what your drive is like. Because it’s not a constant and there are all sorts of factors that can impact it.

Causing additional stress on the relationship

If you’ve been in a relationship for any length of time, I’m sure you’ve had days where one of you has “wanted it” and the other one hasn’t. That’s normal. When it becomes a consistent pattern though, then it becomes a problem.

For the person with the higher drive, chances are they are feeling hurt. They feel rejected, and it can start to impact self image and self esteem. Does my spouse not find me attractive anymore? Do they not love me anymore? This can cause resentment, and a feeling their spouse is holding out on them and using sex as a means of manipulation or a weapon. They may also feel as though their needs don’t matter.

For the person with the lower drive, chances are they are also feeling hurt. In their case though they feel pressure. Instead of sex being this special activity that they share with their spouse, it starts to feel like a duty, or work. It’s something they “have to do”. Resentment will start to build here too, as they can feel like they aren’t valued and they are only wanted for sex.

Problems in your sex life can start to damage the overall relationship. And over time, this one act that can bring so much pleasure and closeness to a relationship can also threaten to tear it apart.

So how do we deal with this? Stay tuned for part 2…

Meeting Someone New (while you still have someone old)

Posted in couples, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help, Relationships, Romance by

Couple

In addition to writing about love and relationships, I read a fair number of other articles and blogs about them. I’m always open to new ideas, and even if I don’t agree with someone it’s always interesting to read what other people think.

One thing I’ve noticed is that there are a surprising number of women blogging about how they are in a relationship, but they have met someone else and they have either started an affair or they are musing about whether or not they should leave their current relationship for the new one.

I’m not knocking women here, as I’m sure guys find themselves in these situations too. I just haven’t come across articles like that, or the guys just don’t write about it (in fact, I seem to be one of the few guys writing about relationships).

A common theme is that the new person excites them more, or they feel more valued or fulfilled by the new person. Often the person writing is convinced that the new person is a “better match” for them.

Reading the comments section, most readers advise the person to follow their heart, and do whatever it is that makes them happy.

Maybe I’m just jealous because my readers rarely comment (though I suppose I would actually need readers for that), but this stuff drives me crazy!!!

If you’ve read any of my previous entries, you know that I believe people give up on their relationships far too easily, often because they have focused on what they don’t have instead of appreciating what they do. In some ways this post is a bit of a recap of what has come before, but I think it warrants talking about one more time before I move on to different topics.

Purpose of Relationships

Relationships usually start by being all about you. Going into a relationship there are things you are looking for and things you want to get out of it. Why are we in relationships? There’s are all sorts of reasons, and here are a few of the common ones I’ve seen:

  • Loneliness. Don’t want to be alone.
  • Safety and security.
  • Emotional, and sexual fulfillment.
  • Want to have a family, and feel it’s best in a “stable” relationship

Pursuit of your own happiness is important, but the complexity of relationships is that they involve two people. In order to be successful they can’t be just about you, they have to grow into more than that.

They become a partnership where you are sharing your life with someone, so the other persons needs have to become as important as your own. Alright, let’s be honest here – people are inherently selfish so your own needs will always take precedence. But your partners needs have to be pretty high up there. Hopefully it’s fairly balanced, but it’s a pretty safe bet that there will be times where your needs and wants will have to take a backseat to your partners.

Your Favorite Movie

Think of movies (I would say books, but sadly few people seem to read anymore). There are lots of them out there, and everyone has their own tastes. You probably have a movie that you love, and go back to again and again.

When you watch a movie a second or third time you may gain a new appreciation for it as you may pick up on a few things that you didn’t notice the first time around. But after a few times there is nothing new. You still enjoy the story and appreciate it for what it is, but it won’t have the same excitement it did when it was new because you already know everything that’s going to happen.

Relationships are like that too. Part of the excitement in relationships comes from discovery. There comes a point where the mystery of learning the other person is gone, because you already know everything about that other person.

A problem is when this happens it’s very easy to get comfortable, and you tend to take the other person for granted (hopefully unintentionally). You still care for each other and enjoy each others company, but that magic from the early days is gone.

Excitement of “The New”

I opened this with a scenario where someone is in a committed relationship, yet they have either stepped out or are considering stepping out because they feel a connection to someone new.

I think the very nature of long term relationships makes this a risk. The excitement and energy of the early days of a relationship feels great, but it’s unsustainable over the long term. Eventually every relationship settles into certain patterns, or rhythms.

And guess what, as time goes on there is a chance that you will meet new people. They may be new co-workers, or friends of a friend. Being in a committed relationship doesn’t mean you don’t find other people attractive. So you meet someone new, and hey, they’re kind of cute. As you start to learn more about them you may start to feel some sort of connection (especially if your own relationship is in a rut). And depending on the state of your own relationship you may start to imagine what life “could be like”. Maybe life could be better with this other person?

If this happens, it’s important to remember that we are always drawn to the new. Is that person really a better match, or are you just starting to get lost in the discovery state? There is excitement in the unknown, because you can’t see it’s flaws. All you see are the possibilities and the potential. And the reality rarely matches our romanticized view of things. A new movie cannot be new forever.

Is Better Really Better?

Hopefully I’ve established that the new exciting person in your life might not actually be your soul mate (or at least a better match). Hopefully you can agree that maybe, just maybe it’s actually the lure of excitement that is attracting someone to the new person in their life.

Just for the sake of argument, lets say the new person really IS a better fit for you. To that I say, so what?
If you ever find yourself in that situation I would recommend you ask yourself to instead take a look at your existing relationship. Are you actually unhappy, or are you just in a rut? If you are unhappy, take a good look and ask yourself why?

There are a lot of reasons to be unhappy. They may have nothing to do with your current relationship. And if they do, they may be resolvable. For your current relationship there was something that drew you together in the first place. Go back, and explore that.

Depending on where you are at in a relationship, I really believe that the relationship becomes bigger than either individual. Yes, your happiness is very important, and I don’t believe people should ever “settle”.

But another perspective is that walking away from something because something else appears better sets you on a dangerous path. There will always be better. Perfection doesn’t exist. Sometimes it’s alright to say “there may be better, but what I have is enough”.

perfect-marriage

Keeping the Spark Alive

If you go back to my comparison between people and movies there is one big difference that I purposely left out. A movie is always the same (well, until they make a directors cut). But people are always growing, and changing. We aren’t constants. Sometimes we change in small ways, sometimes in larger ones. We are always having new experiences. In long term relationships I think a HUGE mistake couples make is that they fail to recognize that.

So if your relationship is in a rut and you are thinking of moving on to something new, take another look at what you have. Don’t assume that because you already know everything about someone there is nothing else to learn. Rediscover them. Grow with them. Learn each other, and continue to learn each other as your relationship grows. Allow yourself to continue falling in love with the same person over and over again as time goes by.

For any readers in long term relationships (I would define that as more than 2 years), I would love to hear from you. What are the things that have worked for you in “keeping the spark alive”? What do you do to continue to show your partner that you love them? What does your partner do for you that makes you feel loved?
You can either comment below or email me at thezombieshuffle@outlook.com. With any feedback, I would love to hear how long you’ve been together.

Love is not enough

Posted in Communication Issues, couples, Happiness, Life, Marriage, Relationship Help by

MarriageBusiness

A few years ago a family member approached me about a business idea, thinking that we could potentially do a side business together. I didn’t give it chance. I told him that I believed that family and business don’t mix. My worry was that it would change the nature of our relationship. We would have to wear two hats, one as friends/family, and the other as business partners; and those two things could potentially conflict. Sometimes you need to make a call that’s best for the business and it might not be what’s best for the relationship. So I figured to avoid the potential of hurt feelings (and damage to a relationship I valued) it would be best to just avoid the whole situation.

Looking back, I still stand by what I said and think my reasoning was correct. However I have come to realize that I was also incredibly naive.

The Marriage Business

In a marriage you and your spouse are essentially small business owners. Your “business” just happens to be the most important business there is, your lives, your family, and your future. You and your spouse need to be friends, confidants, lovers. But on top of that you are also business partners in a sense.

All the things I said above about business impacting relationships are still true. The interests of the relationship don’t always line up with the interests of the business (marriage). And yes, this will sometimes result in hurt feelings that can potentially damage the relationship.

I guess a part of me has always known this, but I’m only fully understanding it now. Better late than never I suppose.

Causes of Conflict

Do a web search for something like “sources of conflict in relationships” and you are bound to find some combination of the following. Every couple and every relationship is different, but it’s amazing how similar the issues we run into are. Not all of these will apply to every couple, but even for the closest relationships there’s a pretty good chance that you will find yourself nodding your head to at least the first four:

  • Money/Finances
  • Children (can be whether to have, or child rearing once you have them
  • Chores/Domestic Work
  • Sexual Expectations
  • Family (dealing with extended)
  • Elderly Parents (care of)
  • Life Priorities

At some point or another, we all have differences of opinion about these things, and nothing can drain energy out of a relationship quite like a struggle over them.

This is why communication is so important. It’s very important that both parties are on the same page for these things. It may not be possible to be completely on the same page, but at the very least couples should discuss these things and be sure that they understand each other.

CoupleConflict

I recently came across an article saying that couples should talk about all of these things before they get married, and I think that’s true. Depending on the age you were when you were married it’s possible that you may have. But it’s more likely that you didn’t. Either it never even occurred to you, or you thought you could “figure it out” as you went.

In addition to discussing these things, I think they are things couples should periodically revisit. Let’s face it, we all change, and our life situations change. In order to remain happy over the long term, it’s important that ensure that our expectations and understandings of each other in these potential conflict areas change along with us.

All You Need Is Love?

We all seem to grow up believing that when it comes to relationships, just like the Beatles song says, all you need is love.

Once you find that person that you connect with, and you find love, then things will work out. We will all have that beautiful, magical romance. One day it will culminate in marriage and we will drive off into the sunset, to live happily ever after.

Yes, we know that a lot of marriages don’t last, but maybe they were never “meant to be”, or maybe it wasn’t “true love”. This is where the glamorized Hollywood version of relationships fails us.

In one of my early posts I talked about the different stages of love. The Hollywood version of love charts the exciting times. It shows us the moment when people meet, when their eyes first make contact across a crowded room. It shows us the excitement as people start to learn about each other, and fall in love. It shows us the passion/infatuation stage, where they can’t get the other person out of their head and the connection is mostly physical. And it shows us the promises that this is real, and that they will always be together. Then the screen fades to black, as the couple drives off into that metaphorical sunset

Hollywood shows us the easy parts and the fun parts. We are led to believe that as long as we love each other, everything will work out.

I hate to say it, but the Beatles were wrong. Love is important, and you need it as a starting point. But love alone won’t get you though the conflicts and obstacles of life.

Redefining Love

The problem with the metaphorical sunset is that it’s not always sunny. There will be hard days. When no one is getting any sleep because the baby is crying or you are having a tough time making the mortgage payments, it’s easy to get frustrated with the other person.

All relationships have ups and downs, and the longer you are together the more “opportunities” you have for downs. Chances are, you will have times that your love is tested, and you may even question it. When this happens, what is the glue that holds people together?

Umm, well…

…actually it’s love.

I know, I know, I’m being contradictory here. I believe it IS still love that holds people together, but it’s not the Hollywood style romantic version of love that holds people together.

Just as people change over time, so does love. Personally, I think love strengthen and deepens over time. What starts as mostly a hormonal and biochemical response becomes something more. Commitment, trust, respect, devotion, caring, affection, intimacy (both physical and emotional), communication, compromise and understanding. These may not all be the stuff of poems, but they are the elements of “mature love”. And it is mature love that will give you the best chance to make it through the difficult times.

I guess the Beatles were right after all.

What is Love?

Posted in couples, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Romance by

One of the things that started this journey for me was being told by my wife that she never “truly” loved me.  For anyone who has never been there let me tell you, that is NOT an easy thing to hear.  Thinking about it, I realized I didn’t even understand what that meant?  How can you love someone, but not “truly” love them?  What exactly is love anyhow?

Trying to understand love, I found that I had more questions than answers.  So if you are looking for a definition of something where do you turn?  The internet of course!!!

First I looked at the Merriam-Webster definition of love, and then I looked at the Wikipedia description.  Both Wikipedia and Merriam-Webster have a number of things in common, as the words affection, unselfish, devotion attraction and desire appear in both definitions.  Both sources also mention different types of love.

Types of Love

Are there different types of love? I love my parents; I love my siblings, nephews and nieces. I love my friends, I love my children, and I love my wife. Are these loves all the same? Or are there actually different types and degrees of love? It seems pretty obvious that there are different degrees of love. I definitely have a different love for my children than I do for my friends, never mind my wife. But it also looks like there are commonalities across all the types of love as well.

Is love unselfish/selfless?

Do I have a sense of affection for all of them?  Yes, I definitely do.  Is it unselfish?  That’s a tougher call.  By selfish do you mean am I expecting anything back?  Nothing material perhaps, but I think there is an expectation that love will be returned in some capacity.

For parents out there, here’s an experiment for you.  Try not showing your children any affection for a few days, maybe a week, and see what happens (I suppose the experiment is age dependent, because if your children are teenagers they probably won’t notice – sigh).  But if they are younger I suspect they will start to get confused, and hurt.  They will realize something is wrong, and probably get anxious and scared.  Alright, don’t ACTUALLY do this, as it would be cruel.  But imagine it all the same, and I suspect you will agree with me.

The same happens with spouses.  If there is a feeling that the love is one sided it can create a distance and will definitely put stresses on the relationship.  So no, I don’t think love is necessarily unselfish.  One of the stereotypes of men and women is that men are cold and women have more of a need for affection.  Ladies, don’t believe it!!!  Guys have the same emotions and feelings that you do.  We may bottle them up a bit more, but we all need to feel loved.  We all need to know that our spouse cares for us.  When we stop feeling it?  Well, that hurts, and that’s where all sorts of problems can begin.

A variation on unselfish is the idea of being selfless.  I think being selfless means being able to put the needs of another before your own needs.  There is definitely an element of that in love, especially when it comes to people who are truly dependent on you (such as children).  As a parent, you definitely need to put the needs of your children before your own.  And I guess that applies in all relationships.  But it is not something that you should do all the time.  You still need to make time for yourself as an individual, and be willing to put yourself first sometimes.  So in love it seems you walk a fine line between putting the needs of your loved ones before your own when required, but still making time for yourself as an individual.  I call this balancing the “we” with the “me”.

Devotion

How about devotion?  I think this one is definitely true of love, there is a sense of devotion.  I know that if any of my friends, family members, children or spouse needed me, I would always be there for them.  And I know that those people would always be there for me if I needed them.  I could call them any time of the day, and they would do their best to support me.

Desire

The last item in the common language list is desire.  I’m assuming that desire here means physical attraction/sexual desire.  This is one that is definitely NOT part of the common thread of different types of love.  Hopefully no one desires their parents, children, siblings etc.  Because, well, that would be a bit weird.  And it just doesn’t seem right.  Plus I’m pretty sure there are laws against that in some places.  Hopefully they DO desire their spouse or significant other, though I suppose that level of desire can change over time.

Then there’s desire for friends.  That’s a difficult one as I believe that is how many affairs start.  Lots of relationships start with friendships, so yes I believe people can desire their friends.  But doing so puts you in a position that can get you into a lot of trouble.  So while it can happen, I strongly advise against it.  To take that one step further, I think that BECAUSE it can happen, people should make a conscious effort to not become friends with a member of the opposite sex (or same sex I guess, lets just call it your gender of preference) that they find attractive or desirable.  You can be friends with someone, but you need to be conscious that intimate sharing of emotions or feelings puts you at risk for having the friendship develop into something more (especially if your relationship is in a troubled place at the moment).  Some people are cool with that, but for me monogamy is a big deal.  I would prefer to not put myself in a situation that could develop into something more.

So far I figure affection and devotion are prerequisites of all forms of love.  A degree of selflessness is also important, but you need to balance that with taking care of yourself as an individual.

Spousal relationships

How does a spousal relationship differ from any of the other ones?  One of the differences is that is starts with some sort of attraction.  A wise woman once told me that relationships often start with lust, and if you are lucky they will develop into love (thanks Mom!!!).  Normally this is a physical attraction, but in the world of social media and online relationships, the attraction can also be more in how a person presents themselves in written form.  This initial attraction (whatever its form) causes both parties to want to learn more about one another, and this early stage of a relationship is characterized by excitement.  You are learning about the other person, and everything is “new”.  There is usually an intimate sharing of experiences and beliefs, and this intimate sharing will naturally give rise to emotions.

As a side note, that is why this sort of intimate sharing with a friend that you find attractive is a big no-no to me.  It puts you in a situation where things can easily develop into something more.  People sometimes say that affairs “just happen”, I say that’s total crap.  People make conscious decisions that put them in a position for affairs to happen.  You actually want to stay true to your spouse?  Don’t put yourself in that position!!!  An affair starts at an emotional level before it becomes physical.  And in some ways, the emotional side of an affair is harder to break than the physical.  Anyhow, enough with the rant.  Back to love, specifically love in spousal relationships…

This is where relationships get themselves into trouble.  They start with the new and exciting.  In the early stages there is no shortage of passion.  And let’s face it, desire and lust can make you overlook some of the shortcomings of a relationship that may become evident later.  This early courtship stage of a relationship is the way that relationships are portrayed in romance movies and books.  But as much as both parties may want it to last, things can’t be “new” forever.  So the same characteristics of love that you find in any loving relationship need to bloom.  Genuine affection has to be there, as does devotion for each other and a degree of selflessness.

As the “new” wears off, the nature of love changes (look up “stages of relationships”, there’s tons of great material out there).  But it’s important that both parties do things to try and keep the romance side of the relationship alive.  This isn’t difficult in the early years, but once more time passes, and/or you add kids to the equation it becomes harder.  There has to be legitimate effort made to keep things fresh, it is not something that will just happen on its own.  A lot of couples likely fail at this, and I will include myself in those guilty of it.

So what does any of this really tell me about love?  Well for starters love is complicated, there are many facets to it.  I don’t pretend to understand it, but I do recognize that you can’t take it for granted.  Love may start with passion and excitement, but to maintain it over time takes effort.  People need to recognize that, and be willing to put in that effort to maintain it.