Category Archives: Communication Issues

Love is not enough

Posted in Communication Issues, couples, Happiness, Life, Marriage, Relationship Help by

MarriageBusiness

A few years ago a family member approached me about a business idea, thinking that we could potentially do a side business together. I didn’t give it chance. I told him that I believed that family and business don’t mix. My worry was that it would change the nature of our relationship. We would have to wear two hats, one as friends/family, and the other as business partners; and those two things could potentially conflict. Sometimes you need to make a call that’s best for the business and it might not be what’s best for the relationship. So I figured to avoid the potential of hurt feelings (and damage to a relationship I valued) it would be best to just avoid the whole situation.

Looking back, I still stand by what I said and think my reasoning was correct. However I have come to realize that I was also incredibly naive.

The Marriage Business

In a marriage you and your spouse are essentially small business owners. Your “business” just happens to be the most important business there is, your lives, your family, and your future. You and your spouse need to be friends, confidants, lovers. But on top of that you are also business partners in a sense.

All the things I said above about business impacting relationships are still true. The interests of the relationship don’t always line up with the interests of the business (marriage). And yes, this will sometimes result in hurt feelings that can potentially damage the relationship.

I guess a part of me has always known this, but I’m only fully understanding it now. Better late than never I suppose.

Causes of Conflict

Do a web search for something like “sources of conflict in relationships” and you are bound to find some combination of the following. Every couple and every relationship is different, but it’s amazing how similar the issues we run into are. Not all of these will apply to every couple, but even for the closest relationships there’s a pretty good chance that you will find yourself nodding your head to at least the first four:

  • Money/Finances
  • Children (can be whether to have, or child rearing once you have them
  • Chores/Domestic Work
  • Sexual Expectations
  • Family (dealing with extended)
  • Elderly Parents (care of)
  • Life Priorities

At some point or another, we all have differences of opinion about these things, and nothing can drain energy out of a relationship quite like a struggle over them.

This is why communication is so important. It’s very important that both parties are on the same page for these things. It may not be possible to be completely on the same page, but at the very least couples should discuss these things and be sure that they understand each other.

CoupleConflict

I recently came across an article saying that couples should talk about all of these things before they get married, and I think that’s true. Depending on the age you were when you were married it’s possible that you may have. But it’s more likely that you didn’t. Either it never even occurred to you, or you thought you could “figure it out” as you went.

In addition to discussing these things, I think they are things couples should periodically revisit. Let’s face it, we all change, and our life situations change. In order to remain happy over the long term, it’s important that ensure that our expectations and understandings of each other in these potential conflict areas change along with us.

All You Need Is Love?

We all seem to grow up believing that when it comes to relationships, just like the Beatles song says, all you need is love.

Once you find that person that you connect with, and you find love, then things will work out. We will all have that beautiful, magical romance. One day it will culminate in marriage and we will drive off into the sunset, to live happily ever after.

Yes, we know that a lot of marriages don’t last, but maybe they were never “meant to be”, or maybe it wasn’t “true love”. This is where the glamorized Hollywood version of relationships fails us.

In one of my early posts I talked about the different stages of love. The Hollywood version of love charts the exciting times. It shows us the moment when people meet, when their eyes first make contact across a crowded room. It shows us the excitement as people start to learn about each other, and fall in love. It shows us the passion/infatuation stage, where they can’t get the other person out of their head and the connection is mostly physical. And it shows us the promises that this is real, and that they will always be together. Then the screen fades to black, as the couple drives off into that metaphorical sunset

Hollywood shows us the easy parts and the fun parts. We are led to believe that as long as we love each other, everything will work out.

I hate to say it, but the Beatles were wrong. Love is important, and you need it as a starting point. But love alone won’t get you though the conflicts and obstacles of life.

Redefining Love

The problem with the metaphorical sunset is that it’s not always sunny. There will be hard days. When no one is getting any sleep because the baby is crying or you are having a tough time making the mortgage payments, it’s easy to get frustrated with the other person.

All relationships have ups and downs, and the longer you are together the more “opportunities” you have for downs. Chances are, you will have times that your love is tested, and you may even question it. When this happens, what is the glue that holds people together?

Umm, well…

…actually it’s love.

I know, I know, I’m being contradictory here. I believe it IS still love that holds people together, but it’s not the Hollywood style romantic version of love that holds people together.

Just as people change over time, so does love. Personally, I think love strengthen and deepens over time. What starts as mostly a hormonal and biochemical response becomes something more. Commitment, trust, respect, devotion, caring, affection, intimacy (both physical and emotional), communication, compromise and understanding. These may not all be the stuff of poems, but they are the elements of “mature love”. And it is mature love that will give you the best chance to make it through the difficult times.

I guess the Beatles were right after all.

Till death do us part?

Posted in Communication Issues, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Relationships by

In a post about marriage, I mentioned that I see marriage as a way of symbolizing the commitment between two people.

I’m a big proponent of marriage. I love the notion of knowing that you want to share your life with someone, and that no matter what life throws at you, you will always be there to support the other person and that you in turn can count on them to support you. This sense of commitment is at the heart of what allows you to be more than just two individuals. So what exactly is commitment?

People buy starter cars, and starter houses. But I would like to think that everyone goes into their marriage with the hope and the expectation that it will last. I’m not sure about all cultures, but part of the marriage ceremony is usually reciting vows that represent an affirmation of the love and commitment the couple has for each other. The vows are usually something like:

In sickness and in health,
in good times and in bad,
till death do us part.

Those are some pretty significant words, and in the excitement of the moment people probably don’t really think about what they are agreeing to. Lets take a look at those lines:

In sickness and in health. This one seems easy enough, though some sicknesses can take a big emotional toll on people and relationships. Even still, most would agree that walking out of your marriage because your spouse is sick is pretty despicable (things like alcoholism and mental illness complicate this a bit).

In good times and in bad. This is a real tough one, and really illustrates to me that the marriage has to become about more than just two people. Let’s face it, you ARE going to have bad times. You are going to have times that you hurt each other, and times that you really don’t like each other. At those times love can seem tenuous, and it’s at those times that your commitment to one another will be tested the most.

Till death do us part. It may seem silly, but to me this is the dream. To know that it doesn’t matter what life throws at you, nothing will be able to get between you and keep you apart. Until you get to those bad times though, you don’t realize that the level of commitment required to make that happen is staggering.

Let’s say most people get married between 25 and 35, and the average life expectancy for men is around 80. That’s around 50 years for a marriage to stay together in order to hit “till death do us part”. People change, so that commitment needs to be there.

The Grass is Greener?

A while back I went for lunch with a female friend of mine who has been married for a number of years (probably 7 or 8). As we were talking, it came up that she’s a bit unsure about their future. She told me she loves him, but she’s spent time wondering if this was it, if this was as good as it got. She wonders if maybe there was someone else out there who she could be happier with.

It didn’t sound like she was overly dissatisfied, and she made it clear to me that she wasn’t looking for anyone else. But at the same time, she wondered. And from talking with some of her girlfriends, she found that she had other friends who were thinking through the same things. She told me that she was open with her husband about her misgivings, and it frustrated him (well, yeah!!!).

I have to admit, I was shocked. Here was someone I had known for years, who I’ve always believed had a good head on her shoulders. But the way she was talking she had some ambivalence towards her marriage.

Now I don’t know her husband well, but I’ve met the guy a few times. And between my impressions and the things she would tell me about him he seems like a pretty good guy. So of course I started to look at it the way most guys do – as a problem that maybe can be fixed.

I asked her some questions. Were there issues between them? No, not really. Was there anything wrong with him? Again, no. She couldn’t really articulate what was missing, she just had this sense that maybe there was something more out there.

Off to the gym…

Thinking of that conversation made me think of the gym. Bear with me a moment and hopefully this will make sense…

Have you ever had a gym membership? If not, have you ever bought a piece of exercise equipment for your home (same ideas apply)? Many people get a membership and at first they use it quite regularly. But after a while the novelty of going to the gym wears off and it’s not used as frequently. Things like work, kids, or just life in general start to get in the way. It gets harder to make it to the gym, and it seems like there just isn’t enough time.

After a while, people realize that they’re barely using the membership. They may look at it occasionally and feel guilty, knowing they *should* be using it. Once they’ve gotten out of the habit of using it, it becomes hard to motivate yourself to get back. Periodically they will make use of it, but once they’ve let it drop in priority the same effort isn’t there. They may still use it, but they are just kind of going through the motions.

Some people hold onto the membership anyhow, telling themselves that they will get back one of these days. Others realize that they won’t get back, and they cancel the membership.

Believe me, if you attend a gym regularly you see this cycle play out frequently. After a while you get to know who the regulars are and who the drop-ins are. Usually at new years the gym will get a rash of new people, but within a few weeks the numbers start to drop. Some drop quickly, others last a bit longer. In fairness, some do to stick it out and become new regulars.

The exact same thing happens in relationships. The success of a relationship really comes down to commitment. What you get out of a relationship is completely dependent on what you put into it.

You only get out what you put in

Thinking of the traditional marriage vows (listed above), I realize that they are missing something important. They really just talk about staying in the marriage under all circumstances (sickness, health, good times and bad), and that is part of it. But is commitment really just about staying in the marriage? Just because you haven’t physically left a marriage, does that mean you have kept your vows? No. Just like going to the gym and going through the motions won’t help you get stronger or lose weight, staying in a marriage doesn’t mean you are committed. Commitment is about what you put in.

Take a look at this:

MarriageBox

I love this concept of a “Marriage Box”, and to me it sums up everything about what it means to be committed to a marriage. I used to think the commitment was only about a refusal to give up. But the more I look at it I realize that commitment is not just about what it takes for someone to walk away from something, but it’s about what someone is willing to put in. It’s about not just worrying about yourself, but also dedicating yourself to you spouses welfare and happiness.

Self fulfilling prophecy

In the book “Love is Never Enough”, Dr. Beck gives examples of some of the couples he’s worked with. In one of the examples (starting on pg 221 if you’re interested) he describes a woman who had a negative image of relationships from her parents. She married, but for fear of getting hurt she never truly committed herself to the marriage. She held back, and was constantly looking for flaws in her husband as these gave her rationalizations for not fully committing herself to the marriage.

The problem is, by not fully committing she also caused considerable tension in the relationship. Her efforts to protect herself from potentially being hurt put her on the path to destroying the very relationship that she was scared of being hurt by.

Thinking of my friend, I wonder if there is something similar happening. Has she really committed herself to the relationship she has with her husband? I don’t know her situation, but she could take the time she spends thinking about what “could be out there” and focus it on making her relationship the best it can be.

The example from the book does seem to have a happy ending though, and I think it’s one we can all learn from. As the wife started to focus on the positives in her marriage she was able to commit herself to it more. As she gave more of herself, she ended up receiving more in return as her husband was more loving and attentive. Her relationship strengthened, and she found that as she put more of her heart into it, her relationship became more fulfilling.

The power of positive thinking

If you read my post on happiness, you know that I’m a big believer in the power of positive thinking, and I believe that it’s a key to happiness. Focusing on what you have instead of what’s missing will give you a greater appreciation of the things you do have.

When it comes to relationships I can guarantee that for anyone, in any relationship, there IS someone else out there that you *could* be happier with. But so what?

Perfection doesn’t exist, it’s an ideal. No relationship is perfect. Short of any deal-breakers (infidelity and abuse being common ones for people), what you have today can probably get better if you and your spouse commit yourselves to the relationships and each other. Embrace what you have and see imperfections as ways to improve.

I opened with talking about wedding vows. With current divorce rates the traditional vows may as well be:

As long as I feel like it,
And it’s convenient for me,
Till something better comes along

Get out of that mindset. Ask yourself what you can do, today, to make your relationship better. Recommit yourself to your spouse and your relationship, and embrace a happier future.

It’s Time for a Check Up!!!

Posted in Communication, Communication Issues, Happiness, Marriage, Relationships by

When it comes to going to see the doctor, what kind of person are you? Some people go see the doctor every time they sneeze. Others go for regular check-ups. And then there are others who will only go long after they should have. Think the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail – “it’s just a flesh wound” (ah, that scene NEVER gets old for me). People are all over the spectrum with how often they see a doctor. Personally, I’m not quite at the black knight level, but I know I don’t go as often as I should.

Why do people go for check-ups? Well, as the saying goes “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”. Kind of like my buddy who had the heart attack. Had he gone to the doctor when he first experiences symptoms, he might have been able to prevent the heart attack. Or at least reduce the pain involved in having it. The prescribed “regular checkups” are really just checkpoints on your overall health. They are a way for doctors to see how you are doing year after year, and check if there are any signs of trouble on the horizon.

Checkpoints

We see these checkpoints at a number of spots in life. Most jobs do yearly performance reviews. These are really ways of checking in to see how we are doing. Ways to examine what we are doing well, and what we can improve upon.

Financial people often recommend that we meet with them annually or bi-annually, to see both how we are currently doing as well as to find out if anything in our lives has changed that would affect what we should do moving forward.

In the business world, projects often have a phase called “lessons learned”. The idea in the lessons learned phase is that we look at what worked, and what didn’t in a project. That way if we ever undertake a similar task, we can try to build on our experiences and avoid making the same mistake again. So we can improve for next time.

Heck, in some ways that’s what New Year’s Resolutions are about. The New Year becomes a checkpoint for setting goals that we want to accomplish in the coming year.

The Golf Ball Game

Recently I went to a business conference on problem solving and continuous improvement. We opened the conference by breaking into teams of 10-15, and playing a game. In the game each team received a bucket of golf balls. We had to see how many points we could score, and to score a point we had to follow a few basic rules. We scored one point for each golf ball that passed through the team. The rules were:

  • Each member of the team must touch the ball at least once
  • You are not allowed to pass the ball to the person directly next to you
  • The last person in the team must pass the ball to the first person on the team to complete a circuit
  • The ball must be airborne during each pass

We were given 2 minutes to come up with a plan and 2 minutes to try out our plan, after which each team then gave the convener their scores. We then had 2 minutes to revise our plan, 2 mins to try out the new plan, and provide score updates. I think we repeated this process 2 more times (for a total of 4 attempts). The first time we did this, I think we passed 16 balls around the group. By the last pass, we were around 200.

For all the groups at the conference, our initial plans didn’t look anything like the ones we came up with on the fourth attempt. Our process evolved, and was different every time. Thing is, there were a number of things we were changing as we went. We changed the way we organized the people in our group. We changed the way we handed off the balls. We changed the way we kept track of our counts. And we changed the number of balls we held in our hands for each pass.

It was a really fun exercise, and the convener used it to illustrate a few points. One was that if you just keep doing something the same way, you won’t see change. You may see some marginal efficiency improvements, but that’s it. If our group came up with a plan and kept trying it, we may have gone from 16-25. For significant changes, sometimes you need to re-examine every part of what you are doing, and be willing to try different things. But you can’t do that unless you take the time out to discuss what you are doing among the team.

That’s how we opened the conference. The rest of the day we talked about all sorts of problem solving techniques. I won’t dwell on details, but here were some highlights for me:

  • There are multiple approaches to doing things. Just because you have “always done something this way” that doesn’t mean it’s the best way.
  • If your current approach isn’t working, try a new one.
  • Don’t continue down the same path repeatedly expecting different results.
  • Sometimes stronger personalities have a way of driving things, but all members of a team can provide value so it’s important to find ways for everyone’s voices to be heard.
  • When dealing with problems, it can be overwhelming and sometimes not possible to deal with the whole thing at once. If you can find ways to break up problems into smaller pieces, and then focus on one piece at a time, problems become much more manageable.
  • In a team setting, communication is very important. One of the best things you can do is have continuous checkpoints to see how things are going, and evaluate if the approach you are taking is working/makes sense or if you should try something different.

Continuous Improvement

One of the key topics of the conference was how we should always strive for continuous improvement. Alright, I know it was a business conference. But hey, I like to write about relationships, and I’m kinda neurotic about this stuff. So of course I started connecting this back to the realm of life, and love.

Isn’t continuous improvement a great goal to have in everything in life? It doesn’t matter what you are doing – shouldn’t you always want to improve? Should we ever really say “ah, that’s good enough” if we know something can be better?

If you enjoy golf, aren’t you always trying to improve your game in order to have a better score. Even if it’s just casual fun, there’s satisfaction in seeing improvement. If you enjoy cooking, isn’t there value in trying new things. You may try some recipes and end up hating them. But you might love the next one. Look at parenting. For the sake of your kids as well as your own sanity, there’s value in learning different approaches and techniques that you can use. Heck, even if it’s something you hate (say, scrubbing toilets) – getting better or at least more efficient at it means you can get it done faster.

If you’ve ever heard of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs isn’t that what self actualization is about? Being the best person that you can be? I’m not content with just being a good toilet scrubber – I want to be the best toilet scrubber I can be!!!

Improvement in Relationships

The goal of continuous improvement also applies in relationships, and it shouldn’t even matter what state your relationship is in. Some relationships need a lot of work. Others don’t really seem like they need work, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be better.

If you are truly committed to someone, shouldn’t you want to have the best life together possible? If there are things you can do to improve the relationship, then you are making life better for both you and your spouse. And all the same points from the above apply.

A buddy and I once joked that relationships should have the equivalent of checkpoints or performance reviews, where you have an opportunity reflect on how you are doing and set some goals together. I actually think that it’s a great idea, I’m just not sure how exactly you go about doing it. When the idea came up, we talked about it being something you do on your anniversary. The point that was made in the conference was that once a year isn’t enough. For continuous improvement, this should be part of your everyday life. If you see areas you can change and improve, do it. Don’t wait.

Making Changes

Some of the biggest areas for conflict in relationships are how you spend time together, splitting of household duties, parenting, sexuality and finances. As a couple, take a look at those areas and talk about them. In every area there are probably things that you think you are doing well, and other things you think you could improve on.

Pick a topic (splitting of household duties for example), and individually put together a list of the things you think you are doing well, and the areas you can improve. Then compare notes. Doing it individually and then sharing prevents the more dominant personality from saying things like “Yeah, of course we are doing a great job of splitting household chores. Now hurry up and finish vacuuming – you’re blocking the TV”, while the less dominant personality says “yes dear”. By comparing notes both voices can be heard. Ideally you both see the same strengths and weaknesses, but you may also find that some of the things you think are going well are things your spouse thinks you can improve on. Isn’t that good to get out in the open?

For things that you want to improve on, try different things. Try something for a while, and if it’s still not working try something new. Don’t be scared of change. Just because you’ve always done something a certain way, doesn’t mean you have to continue doing it that way. Let’s face it, even if something used to work, if it’s no longer working you can’t hold onto it.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results – Albert Einstein

If your relationship is in a fairly distressed state, then sometimes the issues can seem overwhelming. By focusing on one item and trying to make improvements to that first, you can make gradual changes to your relationship. Start with something small and manageable – not the major conflict points. Dealing with the smaller issues can increase the overall satisfaction in the relationship, while showing that larger changes can be successful.

People Change

One thing that’s easy to lose sight of is people change, and situations change. I’m not the same person I was 20 years ago. Why would I expect my wife to be? For any long term relationship, you need to be willing to grow together, and re-learn each other again and again as the years go by. And hopefully you continue to fall in love with each other again and again as you both change.

Here’s a scenario from my life (which shows that yeah, guys can be dumb). When my wife and I started a family, my wife stayed home with the kids. We came up with a way of dividing the household chores that seemed to make sense for us. After a number of years, my kids were in school full time and my wife started working again. But guess what? For a while, I expected our division of labor to continue as it had. It wasn’t a conscious expectation, but I was set in my habits of the chores that I had been doing for the past few years. I didn’t take into account that suddenly my wife had less time available, but for some reason I was expecting her to do all the things that she had been doing before. Our situation had changed, so we needed to change our approach. These sorts of things happen all the time.

Communication is Key

It doesn’t matter how good or bad your relationship is at the moment, there is always room for it to get better. Perfection doesn’t exist, but continuous improvement is a goal we should all be striving towards. To do that, you have to be committed to your spouse and your relationship, and be willing to communicate. Increasing your understanding of each other and being willing to put your spouse’s needs at the same level as your own is key to a lifetime of happiness.

Great Expectations in Love

Posted in Communication, Communication Issues, Life, Love, Marriage, Relationships by

In the posts I’ve made so far my focus has been on what causes relationships to break down.  I don’t want to dwell on the negative, but understanding what we are doing wrong can help us understand how to be better.  That’s how we learn.  Make mistakes, try and figure out what we did, and do it differently the next time.

After spending a lot of time reading and thinking about this, I think I’ve figured out the largest cause of relationship breakdown.  Are you ready for it?  Alright, here we go…

Go get a mirror, and look into it?  Do you see the problem?  No?  Maybe look a little harder.

Your biggest problem is yourself!!!

Before you start throwing things at me (virtually of course) let me explain this one a bit.  This isn’t really a bad thing.  Well, kinda, but it’s also natural and I suspect unavoidable.  We all unwittingly sabotage our own relationship to varying degrees, and often we don’t even realize we are doing it.

How do we do this?  I’m glad you asked.  We do this through our expectations of what life and love should look like.  In his book Love is Never Enough, Aaron Beck talks about these expectations as “shoulds”.  We have an idea of what our idealized life “should” look like.  When we act a certain way, we believe that our spouse “should” respond in a certain way.

Here’s why I think this is so subversive.  This happens at a subconscious level, and often we aren’t even aware of it.  We often can’t even articulate what things “should” look like, we don’t know what our expectations really are.  But we sure know when those expectations aren’t being met.

 

We learn from what we see

In my first post, I talked about how for much of life and relationships we stumble about just figuring things out on our own.  There is no class we take in school on relationships.  Children don’t come with instruction manuals.  When relationships start to falter, there is no handle with a sign that says “pull in case of emergency” (though how cool would that be.  Mind you even they did exist where would you put it?).

When I said that there was no class on relationships that wasn’t entirely true.  I’ve realized we do get a class on relationships, and it’s called our parents.

*** cue awkward pause ***

Think about this for a moment.  How do we learn about relationships?  Where do we get our concept of what a relationship “should” look like?  It may happen at a subconscious level, but for regular interpersonal interactions we learn from what we see.  And for many people the relationship we see modeled with the greatest frequency during our developmental years is that of our parents.  This becomes our view of normal, and sets our expectations on what a relationship “should” look like.

Yeah, I’m sure some of you are now squirming, thinking something along the lines of “ewwww” or “Noooooo, my eyes, my eyes!!!”  Maybe you are saying “my parents had a terrible relationship”.

When you’ve had bad experiences modeled to you, these may be things that you consciously try to avoid in your own relationships.  We pick and choose the things that we saw that we liked, and try to exclude the things we didn’t.  I’m not sure how well that actually works though.  Look at cycles of abuse.  You would think having terrible experiences as a child would make you do anything in your power to prevent that from happening in your life.  But many studies have shown that being abused is often a strong predictor for future abuse.  Cycles repeat.  We tend to do what we know.

During our developmental years we are always observing and learning from what we see.  It doesn’t matter how abnormal or dysfunctional our model may be – we are still learning.  Just as some schools have better teachers than others, some models of relationships are better than others.  What we learn may not always be great, and we are just as likely to pick up bad habits are we are good ones.

Our model of a relationship isn’t always from parents though.  If you grew up in a single parent home maybe your model of a stable relationship was someone else; grandparents, or the parents of a close friend.  Heck, maybe part of it came from watching The Cosby Show, or Rosanne on TV.  It’s different for different people, and is probably even a collage of different influences.  But chances are there was *something* you saw modeled in your childhood years that formed much of the basis for what a relationship “should” look like to you.  And chances are you didn’t even realize it was happening.

 

What does this mean to me?

So we learn from what we see?  Alright, if you can accept that, then what does that have to do with us subconsciously undermining our own relationships?

Here’s where I think we get ourselves in trouble:

We all have our own expectations, our own ideas of what life, love and personal interactions should look like.  And we subconsciously judge things based on how well they meet those “shoulds”.  These can be small or large.  From my spouse should greet me in the morning with a hug and a kiss; to my spouse (usually wife for this one) should stay at home with the kids when/if we start a family.

Well guess what?  Our spouses have their own “shoulds” as well, but their life experiences are different and their influences are different.  So their “shoulds” are probably different as well.  And where the “shoulds” don’t line up, one or both parties are bound to be disappointed.

If one spouse is expecting the other to stay home with the kids, but the other spouse plans on going the daycare route, you’ve got potential for trouble.

 

Your way isn’t necessarily the only way

Here’s an example from my own life.  It involved a minor conflict between my parents and I, but it was the same collision of “shoulds” that I’m talking about.

While growing up, my family celebrated birthdays with the immediate family (parents and siblings), as well as a handful of friends.  For my wifes family, birthdays included a much larger extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc).

When my kids started having birthday, we went with the extended family approach.  In some ways it was a blended approach I suppose, as I continued to invite parents and siblings while my wifes extended family was included.  We did this for years.  One day one of my parents made a comment something along the lines of the way we were doing birthday parties wasn’t what a kids party “should” look like – it was more of an adult party.

You know, I love my parents.  They’re great.  They are pretty open minded and understanding.  But at that moment they were judging the way we chose to do things through their own lens of what a kids birthday party “should” look like.  This was a collision between how my side of the family thought birthdays “should” look and how my wife’s side of the family “should” look.  Who says what a kids party should look like?  No one, we define that for ourselves.

If you run into conflict on your expectations try to remember that life isn’t like math – there is no right answer.  When it comes to conflicting expectations between couples there is no right and wrong (well maybe in extreme cases, but for the most part our expectations are just differences).  Be open minded.  Try to understand your spouse.  And be open to the idea that just because you’ve always expected something “should” be a certain way, that doesn’t mean it has to be that way.

 

Two common “Shoulds”

Here are two common “shoulds” that seem to cause conflict in couples.  Read almost any relationship book, and you will see some variation of these.

I shouldn’t have to tell you what I want, you should know.

There’s this romanticized notion that when two people are really in sync, they just know each other.  The idea that one person can start a sentence and the other person can finish it.  And I do think there is some truth to this.  I’m not sure if it’s a matter of being in sync, or if it’s a matter of being around a person long enough that you get to know them and how they respond to things, and therefore you can often predict their behavior.  As for being in sync, it may be that both your “shoulds” and the other persons “shoulds” just line up really well.

The thing is, people are different.  No one is exactly the same.  Often in relationships there are many elements of our characters that are similar and that gives us common ground.  But there are also differences, and those differences are a big part of what draws us together.  When we talk of people complementing each other, or the idea of the whole being greater than the sum of the parts, we are talking about differences.

I’m not sure about you, but I can’t read minds.  I’ve talked to a number of friends, both male and female, and none of them can read minds either.  Well, one buddy claims he can but I’m pretty sure he’s crazy.  For the people that are close to me, I can often predict how they will respond to situations.  I can often make guesses as to the things they like and don’t.  But guess what?  Sometimes I’m wrong.  And the better I know the person the more accurate I usually am.

So in response to “I shouldn’t have to tell you what I want, you should know”, I say no, I shouldn’t.  Sometimes your spouse will know what you want and other times they will have some pretty good guesses.  But if you *really* want something, it’s best to just tell them.

The other big one is:

We shouldn’t have to work on our relationship.  If you need to work on things it’s not true love.

You know, I’m not even sure where to begin on this one.  But I’m pretty sure I can blame Disney for this.  Why do people not accept that relationships require work?  Most wedding vows have some variation of “in good times and in bad”.  Most people will acknowledge that everyone has good days and bad days.  Also, think of anything that you’ve done.  Chances are pretty good that the first time you did something was worse than the tenth, or twentieth.  We get better at things over time.  So yeah, you probably will need to work on things occasionally.  You need to find out what you are doing wrong before you can improve on it.

It seems to me there are two choices.  Say “hmm, my relationship has ran into trouble so it’s not true love”, and then move on to another one.  Or try to find out what’s going wrong with the relationship you are in and see if you can improve it.  If you walk away any time things get difficult, chances are you will go through a lot of relationships in search of the perfect one.  You may also work on your current one and find out that no, this isn’t going to work.  But you may also find ways to make your bond stronger.

Side note – In defense of Disney, they ARE getting better in their messaging.  Movies like Enchanted, Mulan and even Frozen have done a lot to change up the old “princess is rescued by handsome prince and they live happily ever after” story line.  But I digress.  Anyhow…

 

What can you do?

As I said earlier, chances are we don’t know what our expectations really are.  We only know that we are disappointed when those expectations aren’t being met.  So a really important thing to do is try to understand ourselves and identify these expectations.

Take some time and think about some concepts in a relationship and what they mean to you.  What do you want your relationship to look like? What does it mean to you to love someone and be loved?  How do you express affection and how do you expect it to be expressed to you.  What do you actually want from your relationship?

Major areas for conflict in relationships are how you spend time together, splitting of household duties, parenting, sexuality and finances.  In all of these areas you probably have some “shoulds” that may conflict with your spouses.

All those things that are happening at a subconscious level.  Think about times you have been disappointed or hurt.  What happened, or didn’t happen?  Try articulating why you were disappointed and what you expected.  Try figuring out the specifics of what you think your relationship should look like (it’s largely that exercise that led me to writing this blog).  My assertion is that before we can understand each other we need to understand ourselves.  And I can guarantee that’s not an easy thing.

Once you have identified your own personal “shoulds”, ask yourself why is that the case?  Why “should” you expect something to be a certain way?  Are they really absolutes, or is there room for change?  If your answer on why you expect something to be a certain way is just “because that’s how it’s supposed to be”, then maybe you need to re-examine that one.  Most shoulds are actually wants, and some of them have no real basis beyond “that’s the way I learned something”.

 

You are a role model

As I got thinking about this I realized that if my parents were the primary model for what I believed a relationship “should” look like, then that means I’m a model for my own kids (hmm, kind of a scary thought sometimes).  This brought two things to mind:

  • Don’t hide natural parts of a relationship.  Relationships are full of ups and downs, good times and bad.  As parents I think it’s natural to try and shield our children from the negative sides of things.  For example, many people try not to ever fight when the kids are around.  I get the sentiment, and will admit to doing that myself.  But I question if we are maybe doing more harm than good when we do this.  Fighting happens.  I’m not saying show the kids everything, but maybe let them see that conflict and more importantly dealing with conflict is a natural part of life.  Just because mommy and daddy argue doesn’t mean they don’t love each other.  As an adult I’m trying to learn how to deal with conflict now, and it’s not easy.
  • Don’t ever stay just for the kids.  I hear of couples who have let the spark die (and I use the word “let” intentionally, because I think that’s a decision), but they stay in the marriage so the kids have a stable home life. C’mon, what exactly are you giving the kids?  What sort of life are you modeling to them?  Do you really want your kids growing up in a cold environment where mommy and daddy never interact, never touch and don’t tell each other they love each other?  Sorry, I think that’s probably doing more harm than good over the long term.  Kids learn from what they see.  Either put the effort in to make things work, or don’t and move on.

 

Change is hard

There’s a saying, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.  You can, it’s just not easy.  It can be difficult to unlearn years of learned behavior and expectation.  Let’s say you’ve been able to identify some of your shoulds, and you have come to realize that they don’t necessarily have to be that way.  Even then, in the heat of the moment when your “shoulds” are violated your default reaction will be one of hurt and disappointment.  Be aware of that.  Everything in life requires practice.  There are all sorts of theories on how long it takes to form a habit.  I don’t think there’s any real magic time or magic number.  But the point is, things get easier over time.

Guys are dumb

Posted in Communication, Communication Issues, Love, Marriage, Relationships by

Over the past year and a half, I’ve spent what is probably an unhealthy amount of time thinking about relationships and male/female dynamics.  During that time I’ve looked at a number of books and websites dealing with relationships, relationship issues and any other topics that seem like offshoots of this.  Mid-life crisis, depression, anxiety, mood disorders, personality types, adultery, menopause, you name it.

While on websites I try to read comments on sites and in forums.  This feedback portion of the web is of particular interest to me because you get a lot of peoples stories.  Sure, a lot of people use forums as a means of venting (about how terrible their significant other is and how great they are), but there is still a lot of valuable stuff there.  The relative anonymity of the internet allows people to show sides of themselves that they may not normally show.  There is a lot of crude, mean and bigoted content in forums.  But there are also a lot of people that seem to be displaying a raw honesty about their feelings.

Husbands don’t care?

One common theme I found is that women often feel like they are talking to a wall when they talk to their husbands, and it’s not until things hit a crisis point that their husbands seem to care, but by then it’s too late.  Here’s something that sums this sentiment up pretty well:

Women try for years to communicate to their husbands. Husbands don’t want to listen. Women reach a point where they stop trying and leave the relationship. Husbands then decide it’s time to listen.

I saw this sentiment on a number of different sites, often accompanied by a profound sense of frustration and loss.  I won’t pretend to represent all men here, but here’s my response to all the women out there who are feeling this:

You’re 100% right, men should do a better job of listening to their wives and trying to truly understand their needs.  That applies to me as well as many, many other men out there.  So why don’t we?  Why do men only start to listen when things reach a crisis point (and it may already be too late)?

The easy answer is that guys are dumb.  There are a bunch of stereotypes about men that seem to imply women are in tune with their emotions while men are emotional Cro-Magnons.  Sadly, from some of the things I have seen women write about men on forums a lot of women seem to believe that.  The reality is probably a wee bit more complex though.

Listening but not Understanding

I mentioned in my first entry that this blog is not about me; it’s about things that I’ve learned as a result of my experiences.  In this case I think my “story” is relevant to this topic – and it’s also not that unusual.  When my relationship hit a crisis point I was caught off guard.  I knew things weren’t perfect, but I didn’t realize we had a serious issue – so I felt blindsided.  I hadn’t seen it coming and I really struggled to understand what happened.

Reflecting on things I realized there WERE signs. There were a lot of them and I simply didn’t see them. Or perhaps it’s more accurate to say that I saw them, but didn’t understand them.  Was that stupid of me?  Sure.  Does it mean I was a bad husband? From her perspective maybe it seemed that way, although I didn’t think so at the time. Even now I believe I was doing the best job that I could. But I didn’t realize what was happening and as a result I didn’t take any actions to correct things before they deteriorated to a bad state.  Honestly, had I realized what was happening I probably still wouldn’t have had any idea of what to do.

What you don’t know CAN kill you

A friend of mine had a heart attack recently. He was a healthy guy who took care of himself, ate well and exercised regularly. He didn’t really fit the “profile” of a heart attack risk.  While recovering in the hospital he was asked about the days leading up to his heart attack, and it turns out that he had displayed a number of symptoms. Thing is, he had never had a heart attack before so he didn’t know what to look for. He had all these symptoms but he brushed them off as something else.  He thought he was overtired, or maybe he had a flu coming on.  His body was clearly giving him warning signs that something was wrong, but he ignored it thinking it wasn’t anything serious.  Did this mean he was stupid?  That he didn’t care about what his body was telling him?  His body WAS communicating, but it was communicating in a way he didn’t understand.  His only real “mistake” was not knowing how to read the signs.

The Chinese Whisper game

I think the same things happen to many men and women. We go about our lives thinking that we are great husbands and/or wives. We pat ourselves on the back for the good job we are doing, but we are blind to what’s really happening. We think we are communicating with each other, but the messages that seem so clear to us aren’t being understood by our spouses.  Sometimes we are crying out to them the equivalent of “hey, we’re having a heart attack here”, and although they “hear” us they think it’s time to get out the cough medicine because they are coming down with a cold.  To the person sending the message it feels like they aren’t valued – their needs aren’t valued.  The other person, the person who is supposed to be the most important person in the world to them, doesn’t seem to care.  In reality they do care, very much.  But they are hearing and not understanding.

I hear people say that “he doesn’t understand me” or “she doesn’t understand me”.  And that’s just it, we often don’t understand each other.  One person is communicating in a way that seems so clear to them, but their message is being completely missed.

It’s like the game Chinese Whisper, played in most primary schools.  In that game people sit in a circle, and one person comes up with a message.  That message is whispered from student to student in a circuit until it reaches the last one, who says the message out loud – but the spoken message rarely resembles the one you started with.  In that game the message breaks down, or is filtered, as it goes from person to person.

In a relationship it should be simpler because the message is only passing from one person to another.  But we all have invisible filters that cause the message to break down.  Your life experiences, your expectations and your beliefs.  We see and subconsciously interpret each others words and actions through these beliefs and expectations. And when someone doesn’t meet them, we feel let down.  Over time these little moments add up, hurt builds into resentment, and we find ourselves trying to be understood less and less.  Eventually we stop trying altogether, and that is when we hit a crisis.

Always remember the actual problem

I truly believe that most conflict in relationships start as simple misunderstanding.  I also believe that those misunderstandings could have be resolved, but left unchecked they can grow into something more.  Eventually the conflict and the resentment it has caused has overshadowed the original problem, and you now have conflict for the sake of conflict.

Everyone has times when they have felt hurt or let down by their significant other, that’s part of life.  At those points in a relationship, it’s important to communicate these hurts and get them out in the open.

My whole life I have believed it is important to pick your battles.  If something was important to me I would make a point of trying to discus it to get it out in the open.  But it was pretty rare that I thought something was important enough to bring up.  In most cases it didn’t seem worth the effort so I would just “let it go”.  But I wasn’t really letting things go, I was just not dealing with them.  Don’t just “let things go” because if you sweep things under the carpet, eventually that carpet gets really bumpy.

Improving Communication

If we acknowledge that we need to do a better job of communicating, how do we avoid “chinese whisper syndrome”?  I’m trying to figure this out for myself, but there are a few things you can try.  Here are my thoughts:

  • when talking about things with your spouse, focus on how it made you feel instead of the event.  Don’t be judgmental, say something like “when this happened, that hurt me”.
  • don’t escalate.  When you are hurt, it’s easy to get defensive or go into attack mode and lash out.  Remember, you are trying to improve your lines of communication here, and that doesn’t happen if you make things worse.
  • if you need, walk away for a bit to collect your thoughts.  Sometimes the heat of the moment isn’t the best time to try dealing with things.

To any ladies out there I say yeah some guys are jerks and some are insensitive (and even the best guys out there have moments where they are both).  But I would like to think that most of us have best intentions, and actually do want to understand their spouses and want the best for their relationship.  We ARE listening, we just aren’t understanding.   My friend didn’t recognize the symptoms of his heart attack until it almost killed him.

Take the time and effort to try and ensure that your communication efforts are accompanied by understanding.  It will be difficult at first, but I think you and your relationship will be better off in the long run.

If you have any tips on communications for what has worked for you in your relationships, let me know in the comments below or email me at thezombieshuffle@outlook.com.