Monthly Archives: August 2014

Meeting Someone New (while you still have someone old)

Posted in couples, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help, Relationships, Romance by

Couple

In addition to writing about love and relationships, I read a fair number of other articles and blogs about them. I’m always open to new ideas, and even if I don’t agree with someone it’s always interesting to read what other people think.

One thing I’ve noticed is that there are a surprising number of women blogging about how they are in a relationship, but they have met someone else and they have either started an affair or they are musing about whether or not they should leave their current relationship for the new one.

I’m not knocking women here, as I’m sure guys find themselves in these situations too. I just haven’t come across articles like that, or the guys just don’t write about it (in fact, I seem to be one of the few guys writing about relationships).

A common theme is that the new person excites them more, or they feel more valued or fulfilled by the new person. Often the person writing is convinced that the new person is a “better match” for them.

Reading the comments section, most readers advise the person to follow their heart, and do whatever it is that makes them happy.

Maybe I’m just jealous because my readers rarely comment (though I suppose I would actually need readers for that), but this stuff drives me crazy!!!

If you’ve read any of my previous entries, you know that I believe people give up on their relationships far too easily, often because they have focused on what they don’t have instead of appreciating what they do. In some ways this post is a bit of a recap of what has come before, but I think it warrants talking about one more time before I move on to different topics.

Purpose of Relationships

Relationships usually start by being all about you. Going into a relationship there are things you are looking for and things you want to get out of it. Why are we in relationships? There’s are all sorts of reasons, and here are a few of the common ones I’ve seen:

  • Loneliness. Don’t want to be alone.
  • Safety and security.
  • Emotional, and sexual fulfillment.
  • Want to have a family, and feel it’s best in a “stable” relationship

Pursuit of your own happiness is important, but the complexity of relationships is that they involve two people. In order to be successful they can’t be just about you, they have to grow into more than that.

They become a partnership where you are sharing your life with someone, so the other persons needs have to become as important as your own. Alright, let’s be honest here – people are inherently selfish so your own needs will always take precedence. But your partners needs have to be pretty high up there. Hopefully it’s fairly balanced, but it’s a pretty safe bet that there will be times where your needs and wants will have to take a backseat to your partners.

Your Favorite Movie

Think of movies (I would say books, but sadly few people seem to read anymore). There are lots of them out there, and everyone has their own tastes. You probably have a movie that you love, and go back to again and again.

When you watch a movie a second or third time you may gain a new appreciation for it as you may pick up on a few things that you didn’t notice the first time around. But after a few times there is nothing new. You still enjoy the story and appreciate it for what it is, but it won’t have the same excitement it did when it was new because you already know everything that’s going to happen.

Relationships are like that too. Part of the excitement in relationships comes from discovery. There comes a point where the mystery of learning the other person is gone, because you already know everything about that other person.

A problem is when this happens it’s very easy to get comfortable, and you tend to take the other person for granted (hopefully unintentionally). You still care for each other and enjoy each others company, but that magic from the early days is gone.

Excitement of “The New”

I opened this with a scenario where someone is in a committed relationship, yet they have either stepped out or are considering stepping out because they feel a connection to someone new.

I think the very nature of long term relationships makes this a risk. The excitement and energy of the early days of a relationship feels great, but it’s unsustainable over the long term. Eventually every relationship settles into certain patterns, or rhythms.

And guess what, as time goes on there is a chance that you will meet new people. They may be new co-workers, or friends of a friend. Being in a committed relationship doesn’t mean you don’t find other people attractive. So you meet someone new, and hey, they’re kind of cute. As you start to learn more about them you may start to feel some sort of connection (especially if your own relationship is in a rut). And depending on the state of your own relationship you may start to imagine what life “could be like”. Maybe life could be better with this other person?

If this happens, it’s important to remember that we are always drawn to the new. Is that person really a better match, or are you just starting to get lost in the discovery state? There is excitement in the unknown, because you can’t see it’s flaws. All you see are the possibilities and the potential. And the reality rarely matches our romanticized view of things. A new movie cannot be new forever.

Is Better Really Better?

Hopefully I’ve established that the new exciting person in your life might not actually be your soul mate (or at least a better match). Hopefully you can agree that maybe, just maybe it’s actually the lure of excitement that is attracting someone to the new person in their life.

Just for the sake of argument, lets say the new person really IS a better fit for you. To that I say, so what?
If you ever find yourself in that situation I would recommend you ask yourself to instead take a look at your existing relationship. Are you actually unhappy, or are you just in a rut? If you are unhappy, take a good look and ask yourself why?

There are a lot of reasons to be unhappy. They may have nothing to do with your current relationship. And if they do, they may be resolvable. For your current relationship there was something that drew you together in the first place. Go back, and explore that.

Depending on where you are at in a relationship, I really believe that the relationship becomes bigger than either individual. Yes, your happiness is very important, and I don’t believe people should ever “settle”.

But another perspective is that walking away from something because something else appears better sets you on a dangerous path. There will always be better. Perfection doesn’t exist. Sometimes it’s alright to say “there may be better, but what I have is enough”.

perfect-marriage

Keeping the Spark Alive

If you go back to my comparison between people and movies there is one big difference that I purposely left out. A movie is always the same (well, until they make a directors cut). But people are always growing, and changing. We aren’t constants. Sometimes we change in small ways, sometimes in larger ones. We are always having new experiences. In long term relationships I think a HUGE mistake couples make is that they fail to recognize that.

So if your relationship is in a rut and you are thinking of moving on to something new, take another look at what you have. Don’t assume that because you already know everything about someone there is nothing else to learn. Rediscover them. Grow with them. Learn each other, and continue to learn each other as your relationship grows. Allow yourself to continue falling in love with the same person over and over again as time goes by.

For any readers in long term relationships (I would define that as more than 2 years), I would love to hear from you. What are the things that have worked for you in “keeping the spark alive”? What do you do to continue to show your partner that you love them? What does your partner do for you that makes you feel loved?
You can either comment below or email me at thezombieshuffle@outlook.com. With any feedback, I would love to hear how long you’ve been together.

Love is not enough

Posted in Communication Issues, couples, Happiness, Life, Marriage, Relationship Help by

MarriageBusiness

A few years ago a family member approached me about a business idea, thinking that we could potentially do a side business together. I didn’t give it chance. I told him that I believed that family and business don’t mix. My worry was that it would change the nature of our relationship. We would have to wear two hats, one as friends/family, and the other as business partners; and those two things could potentially conflict. Sometimes you need to make a call that’s best for the business and it might not be what’s best for the relationship. So I figured to avoid the potential of hurt feelings (and damage to a relationship I valued) it would be best to just avoid the whole situation.

Looking back, I still stand by what I said and think my reasoning was correct. However I have come to realize that I was also incredibly naive.

The Marriage Business

In a marriage you and your spouse are essentially small business owners. Your “business” just happens to be the most important business there is, your lives, your family, and your future. You and your spouse need to be friends, confidants, lovers. But on top of that you are also business partners in a sense.

All the things I said above about business impacting relationships are still true. The interests of the relationship don’t always line up with the interests of the business (marriage). And yes, this will sometimes result in hurt feelings that can potentially damage the relationship.

I guess a part of me has always known this, but I’m only fully understanding it now. Better late than never I suppose.

Causes of Conflict

Do a web search for something like “sources of conflict in relationships” and you are bound to find some combination of the following. Every couple and every relationship is different, but it’s amazing how similar the issues we run into are. Not all of these will apply to every couple, but even for the closest relationships there’s a pretty good chance that you will find yourself nodding your head to at least the first four:

  • Money/Finances
  • Children (can be whether to have, or child rearing once you have them
  • Chores/Domestic Work
  • Sexual Expectations
  • Family (dealing with extended)
  • Elderly Parents (care of)
  • Life Priorities

At some point or another, we all have differences of opinion about these things, and nothing can drain energy out of a relationship quite like a struggle over them.

This is why communication is so important. It’s very important that both parties are on the same page for these things. It may not be possible to be completely on the same page, but at the very least couples should discuss these things and be sure that they understand each other.

CoupleConflict

I recently came across an article saying that couples should talk about all of these things before they get married, and I think that’s true. Depending on the age you were when you were married it’s possible that you may have. But it’s more likely that you didn’t. Either it never even occurred to you, or you thought you could “figure it out” as you went.

In addition to discussing these things, I think they are things couples should periodically revisit. Let’s face it, we all change, and our life situations change. In order to remain happy over the long term, it’s important that ensure that our expectations and understandings of each other in these potential conflict areas change along with us.

All You Need Is Love?

We all seem to grow up believing that when it comes to relationships, just like the Beatles song says, all you need is love.

Once you find that person that you connect with, and you find love, then things will work out. We will all have that beautiful, magical romance. One day it will culminate in marriage and we will drive off into the sunset, to live happily ever after.

Yes, we know that a lot of marriages don’t last, but maybe they were never “meant to be”, or maybe it wasn’t “true love”. This is where the glamorized Hollywood version of relationships fails us.

In one of my early posts I talked about the different stages of love. The Hollywood version of love charts the exciting times. It shows us the moment when people meet, when their eyes first make contact across a crowded room. It shows us the excitement as people start to learn about each other, and fall in love. It shows us the passion/infatuation stage, where they can’t get the other person out of their head and the connection is mostly physical. And it shows us the promises that this is real, and that they will always be together. Then the screen fades to black, as the couple drives off into that metaphorical sunset

Hollywood shows us the easy parts and the fun parts. We are led to believe that as long as we love each other, everything will work out.

I hate to say it, but the Beatles were wrong. Love is important, and you need it as a starting point. But love alone won’t get you though the conflicts and obstacles of life.

Redefining Love

The problem with the metaphorical sunset is that it’s not always sunny. There will be hard days. When no one is getting any sleep because the baby is crying or you are having a tough time making the mortgage payments, it’s easy to get frustrated with the other person.

All relationships have ups and downs, and the longer you are together the more “opportunities” you have for downs. Chances are, you will have times that your love is tested, and you may even question it. When this happens, what is the glue that holds people together?

Umm, well…

…actually it’s love.

I know, I know, I’m being contradictory here. I believe it IS still love that holds people together, but it’s not the Hollywood style romantic version of love that holds people together.

Just as people change over time, so does love. Personally, I think love strengthen and deepens over time. What starts as mostly a hormonal and biochemical response becomes something more. Commitment, trust, respect, devotion, caring, affection, intimacy (both physical and emotional), communication, compromise and understanding. These may not all be the stuff of poems, but they are the elements of “mature love”. And it is mature love that will give you the best chance to make it through the difficult times.

I guess the Beatles were right after all.

Disposable Love

Posted in Life, Love, Marriage, Relationship Help, Relationships by

A while back the keypad started to go on my microwave at home. First one number went, then a few months later another one, until finally I only had 2 or 3 working numbers. I have to tell you, it was REALLY annoying. I was coming up with all sorts of bizarre timing combinations in order to heat something up the way I wanted. Stuff like “Hmmm, I need to heat this for 90 seconds? Only my 3 key is working so I guess I’ll heat something up for 33 seconds 3 times, and take it out a bit early on the last time.” Yeah, it was a pain in the ass.

I talked to a buddy who is more mechanically inclined than I and he told me that for the cost of having someone come look at it and repair it I was better off getting a new one. Microwaves are pretty cheap, but I still felt guilty. The microwave itself worked perfectly fine, it was just the keypad that was broken. Yet off I went to an electronics disposal place with a microwave that was probably 90%-95% functional.

This happens all the time. What’s that, my printer isn’t working right? I guess I’ll get a new one. My couch is looking a bit tired? No problem, I’ll replace it. Issues with my camera? Ah, that one was 2 years old anyhow (gasp!!!), I can get a new one that will be WAY better, and have more features for less than it would cost to fix that one.

The Next Shiny Thing

It’s bad enough that we live in a world where it’s easier to throw things out than to fix them, but marketers have also been able to convince us that we need something new when the thing we have is still working perfectly fine.

Have you ever tried getting rid of a CRT television (tube TV)? Landfills are full of perfectly functioning ones, and no one wants them. You literally can’t give them away. Why? Because flat screen TV’s are the way to go. Heck, I know guys who had amazing TV’s and got rid of them to buy new ones because the refresh rate went from 60-120 MHZ. Any sort of feature rich gadgets are bad for this. There are probably massive landfills full of discarded mobile phones and computers/tablets.

Our society is insatiable, we are never satisfied with what we have and we always want more.

The Blame Game

Another societal shift seems to involve attitudes around responsibility. Maybe it’s always been this way, but it seems that in the past ten to twenty people have taken on the role of either passive observers or victims. Things happen, and it’s rarely our own fault. Instead, things happened because of this, or that.

North America has become infected with a litigation mentality. Late night television is full of commercials for “ambulance chaser” lawyers, telling you that all the bad things that happened to you aren’t your fault, and if you hire them they will get you money from the people who are REALLY to blame (If you’ve watched Breaking Bad, think of Saul Goodman – love that guy).

Impacts on Relationships

These attitudes have seeped into views of relationships. There seems to be a rise in the perception that problems in a relationship are unnatural, and that if a relationship is not perfect then it signifies that there is something inherently wrong with it. There is a romanticized notion that you don’t have to work at a relationship if you find “the perfect match”.

As a result people are throwing away relationships that are largely good, because they don’t want to put in the effort to work on the parts that need improving. It’s the same “disposable” attitude that occurs with consumer goods. Many people look at relationship problems and think they are unfix-able. Or they say “yeah I could fix this, but it would take a lot of effort. Besides, I can just get a newer model that’s faster, sleeker, shinier and has more features. It’s not worth the effort.” It’s too difficult to work on something and face the realities of how people got into the situation they are in. It is easier to just walk away.

I’m not suggesting that someone should stay in a relationship no matter what. But I do think that there are many relationships out there that are worth putting the effort in, worth fighting for. Yet many people can’t be bothered to put in the effort.

Instead of just landfills full of “stuff” our societies landscape has become littered with broken families, broken hearts, and lost hopes and dreams.

But He/She did it first!!!

A few months back I was listening to the radio on the way into work, and they were asking people to call in and share their thoughts on the following scenario:

The announcer had a friend who’s husband had an affair. The couple had worked through things and kept the marriage together. But now, the wife felt that because he had strayed she had a “free pass” to do the same.

I was disappointed (but not surprised) that callers largely backed the wife’s idea of having a free pass. Personally, I don’t get this. What the guy did was wrong, and it destroyed any sense of commitment and trust between the couple. For the couple to truly move forward, that commitment and trust needs to be rebuilt. I understand pain, anger and a sense of betrayal. But if your goal really is to move forward with the relationship, retaliation accomplishes nothing. If anything it’s counterproductive, as all it does is layer hurt upon hurt.

Taking Ownership

In my university days I remember a discussion on rights. It’s common to hear people talk about their rights – I have a right to this, I have a right to that!!! The professor of the class talked about how no one is ever entitled to anything, and rights come hand in hand with responsibilities. In order to claim a “right” FROM someone/something, I have certain responsibilities I must meet TO that someone/something.

I had never thought of it that way before but I loved it. Everything in life has a cost, and this applies to relationships too.

What is the “cost” in relationships? I think that’s an easy one. If you want to get anything out of a relationship, you need to be willing to put into it. In happy times, this exchange is easy and happens naturally. We want to please the other person and make them happy, so we do little things for them to show them we how much we care. And when we are giving of ourselves, we naturally receive in return.

This gets harder when times are tough. During these times we are less inclined to give of ourselves, and we can become suspicious when the other person does. Have you ever had a moment when someone was being nice to you, and you found yourself questioning what their angle was? “He bought me flowers? What did he do? What does he want?”

It’s easy to blame issues in a relationship on the other person. And realistically, there may be one person who owns a larger share of the blame for a distressed relationship. But there are still two people involved. Instead of looking at all the things the other person is or isn’t doing, people need to take a hard look in the mirror.

Take ownership of an issue. Instead of pointing a finger, ask yourself what you can do to help things. How can you help improve a situation?

Built to Last

Relationships require work. Many people say they know that, but don’t understand it and aren’t willing to put in the work when things get difficult. In a relationship, the only way forward is together. You need to communicate. You need to be able to put aside any hurt or resentment

This picture says it all:

MarriageLongevity

Our society is always looking for the quick solution, the easy way out. Think of all the diet fads that profess to allow you to eat all the foods you want and still lose weight. Think of all the get rich quick schemes. The people who market these things succeed because people don’t want to do the hard work. They want to believe there’s a magic wand out there that will make everything better.

Unfortunately there are no magic wands. Actually ever if there were, it wouldn’t matter. I’m a fan of the Harry Potter books and movies, and I’m reminded of a scene near the end of The Prisoner of Azkaban (my favorite book and film btw). There’s a scene where Harry believes something is going to happen, and he’s waiting for it. But at the last minute he realizes that nothing is going to happen, and he will have to take action himself. Even a magic wand is useless without a desire to facilitate change, and make things better.

Acceptance

All relationships hit “rough patches” eventually. And sometimes it can seem like things will never get better, and it’s easier to just walk away. But instead of looking for the “next shiny thing”, look at what you do have. Focus on the good that you do have, and see the difficult times as opportunities for improvement. In the long run, overcoming challenges together will only strengthen a relationship.

No relationships isn’t perfect. Sure it’s possible that there’s someone else out there you could be happier with. There will always be something newer, shinier, and with more features (so to speak). But does that matter? Look to work on improving what you do have, and accepting that it is “enough”.