Living with Guilt


Guilt-Pain

I’m a big believer in personal accountability, and feel it’s often missing today.  Too often people are looking to blame, and while that’s and easy road to take it’s also completely non-productive because blaming doesn’t allow us to grow, or change.

To me, accountability is all about accepting responsibility for those things that you should be/are actually responsible for, and only those things; no more, and no less.

Accountability doesn’t always come easily though, and there are a number of mental processes that we go through before truly accepting responsibility and becoming accountable.

I’ve written about this process before, but for a recap the idea is as follows:

 

Some sort of stressor occurs (an issue, and argument, a disappointment, whatever it is); and when this happens our primal brain kicks in and goes through a series of steps to determine how to deal with this stressor.

This process starts with Denial, and then moves to Blame, Justification, Shame/Obligation, and only after that does it move to Responsibility.

The first three, denial, blame and justification are easy to explain. In these, rather than taking any sort of ownership we are deflecting the issue away from us. In denial there is no problem. In blame the problem is seen, but it’s not “my” problem, it’s someone else’s. And in justification I only partially accept that it’s my problem. I am saying that yes, it’s my problem – but there are a number of reasons as to “why” it happened (and these reasons somehow absolve me of any blame).

What I’m interested in today is the next mode – when we operate out of guilt or obligation.

 

Operating out of Guilt

In many ways acting from a state of shame or obligation is worse than denial, blame or justification. When you do any of those, you are deflecting an issue away from yourself.  With shame or obligation though, you are doing something but you feel as though you are being compelled to do it by some external force.

It’s almost as though your choice to do something is being made under duress.  You aren’t doing it because you want to, or because you believe it’s the right thing to do.  You are doing it because of a fear of consequence.

With guilt and obligation the consequence we are trying to escape is usually other people’s perception.  Saying I need to do this because so and so expects me to is really saying I need to do this or I will disappoint so and so.  And really, that’s a crappy reason to do something.

When this happens you are liable to build up resentment that you “have to” do something, and you are also liable to build up resentment for the person that you are trying to not disappoint.

Doing something from a state of shame or obligation is fine when done occasionally, but if it is a common state for you then are liable to give up or quit.

 

Guilt and Shame

Brene Brown (a prominent writer who has researched shame and guilt) says:

I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful – it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.

I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.

I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.

Brene Brown

 

According to her guilt is positive, and is a way of telling yourself “I have done something bad”.  Shame is negative, because instead of just believing we have done something bad, we start to believe that we are bad as a result.

With shame, it’s like we have internalized the action and believe it comes to represent who we are.  So shame starts to touch on self worth, and feelings of adequacy.

 

I think I understand what she’s saying about guilt and shame, but there is one problem with the idea that guilt is positive.

If guilt occurs when you are doing something that you know is wrong, then it’s dependent on what you have been taught.

Unfortunately, right and wrong aren’t that straightforward.

 

The Problems with Guilt

There are some “big” things I suspect most will agree on.  Killing others is bad.  Stealing from others is bad.  Hurting other people is bad (though we seems to have a lot less of an issue with hurting people emotionally than we do physically).  Those are fairly obvious.

Guilt is tied to morals though, and morals can get very murky.

LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender) rights are in the news a lot these days, and many LGBT people struggle a lot in their early years because they are taught that the way they feel is not normal.  There is a lot of guilt and shame that has to be overcome in order to accept who they are.

Going beyond LGBT issues, anything to do with sexuality is often a HUGE source of guilt and shame for people, and most of us struggle with feelings of embarrassment when the topic comes up.  Why?  It’s a natural act, and none of us would even be here today without sex.  But we are taught that it is “adult stuff”, and therefore taboo; so many people struggle with accepting that they are sexual beings.

 

Another area where people struggle with what they have been taught is emotions.

Men are often looked as emotional Neanderthals, and sadly we often are.  To me, this is an example of misdirected guilt.

Little boys (and girls, but more commonly boys) are often taught they are supposed to be “strong”, and that crying is for “sissies”.  This causes them to try and hold negative emotions in, and over time feelings of sadness will make boys feel guilty.  Holding things in can lead to suppressing emotions, and can cause people to start to disassociate themselves from emotions in general.

Emotions are natural responses to external stimuli.  Yet they are often suppressed, or associated with guilt – simply because of what someone has been taught.

 

An additional problem with guilt is that it is often rooted in comparison, or perception instead of in reality.  Often guilt is related to not wanting to disappoint another person.  Yet the feelings of guilt are based on our own interpretation of how the other person would feel about us; and that interpretation is often completely flawed.  It’s something that WE project.  So it really comes from us more than from the other person.

 

Lastly there is the subjective side of guilt.  Look at some of the areas that are often considered major conflict areas in relationships:

  • Money
  • Sex
  • Work
  • Children and Parenting
  • Chores

In each of these areas, conflicts are usually because each person has different ideas about what is right and what is wrong.  The problem is, there IS no right way or wrong way to deal with any of those topics.  It’s easy to believe that our way is the right way – after all, it’s what we know.  But when we insist on things being our way (because it’s better), we are saying that our partners approach is inferior to ours.  And that can cause feelings of guilt (and shame) in our partner.

 

Letting Go of Guilt

The way I see it, guilt does have some value.  As Brene Brown has said, guilt provides us with psychological discomfort when we do something that goes against our values.  Essentially it’s our conscience saying “hey, should you really be doing this” or “c’mon, you KNOW you shouldn’t have done that”.  That side of guilt can be helpful, as it can help guide us to make better choices in the future.

It’s important though to remember our understanding of right and wrong is based on what we have been taught, and due to this I think it’s always valuable to question our beliefs and be willing to adjust them as needed.

So a huge element of guilt is really about identity, and self-acceptance.  If you accept yourself, love yourself and believe in yourself then it really doesn’t matter what other people think.  If you KNOW you are making good decisions, and are doing the right thing then what is there to feel guilty about?

Are you worries about disappointing parents?  Disappointing your partner?  Realistically, if you can honestly say you accept yourself, and try to do the right thing (balancing your needs with the needs of others) than any disappointment on their part is their issue – not yours.

 

I don’t understand doing things out of guilt or obligation.  If you REALLY don’t want to do something, then don’t do it.

Don’t get me wrong, we all have times that we need to do things we don’t really want to do.  That’s part of life, and part of being an adult.  But doing something you don’t want really want to because it needs to be done is doing it from a position of responsibility.

If someone finds themselves continually doing things out of guilt or obligation, then it seems there is at least some part of a person that believes they should be doing this.  Either that or they have been taught to believe something they don’t truly agree with.

So question things.

Accept yourself.

Accept that “your” way isn’t necessarily the “right” way.

Accept that others won’t always agree with you, and that’s alright.

 

When you do that, if you accept that sometimes things have to be done (even though you don’t want to) then approach them from a position of responsibility.  If you determine that it’s not something you should have to do, then don’t do it.

If you do that knowing you have done the right thing for you, then you can let go of guilt.

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4 thoughts on “Living with Guilt

  1. Thank you!

    “This process starts with Denial, and then moves to Blame, Justification, Shame/Obligation, and only after that does it move to Responsibility” (Zombiedrew2).

    So true, I wrote about these too and it is great when people from different backgrounds come to the same or similar conclusion. In affairs, the denial (the lying phase) can take a long time. The blame often goes together with the justification, meaning that the “ego” of the one with the affair is trying to hold on to the wrong doing, as if there were somewhat valid reasons that contributed to the wrong doings. Only when there are no longer any justifications, the road to healing is opened up (justification are lies, and part of denying the impact of the act and serve to protect the “ego”, and so it is selfish and cowardly).
    In the meantime guilt and shame are there. Guilt often on the side of the betrayer and shame on both sides. B Brown sees positives in guilt and I do too as feeling guilt means feeling remorseful and it means the person recognises and acknowledges wrong doing.

    I agree with you that in the end a person who has guilt feelings has to learn to accept themselves fully, the good, the bad and the ugly, before they can become the person they want to be: Unconditional self- Acceptance (USA) (see writings by Albert Ellis).

    I know what BB means with shame as is is loaded with morality etc, on the other hand guilt and shame are paired. To cheat on a partner and lying about it is morally wrong and although common, I feel that shame is an appropriate feeling for those who did wrong, but not for those who stay with a partner who did wrong. It is not their burden to bear. The shame can taper off when all steps are followed and full responsibility assumed by the person who did wrong in the first place.

    Having said that…..there is often an enormous intensity of emotions of anger and sadness and feelings of shame and guilt and blame on the side of the spouse whose partner betrayed them. They often did wrong too. They very likely shouted, screamed, threatened, used cruel language and may have punched or slapped their partner. They likely took cheap and low shots when triggered. This is never OK, but fully understandable….People who are incredibly hurt often hurt the other.
    There comes a time, when the one who did wrong in the first place has done their work, this is the time that the spouse…..no longer need or want to resort to this hurtful behaviour…..It is interesting that most people know when that is…..they sense it: “it is done”, “we did it”. My spouse has done their work…now I have to do the work too….”we do it together!”

    Elisabeth

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Elisabeth, thanks for the insightful comment. And sorry for the delayed response, but I’ve been away.

      When you say “a person who has guilt feelings has to learn to accept themselves fully, the good, the bad and the ugly, before they can become the person they want to be”, I think that sums it up completely.

      You mention a number of things about people who are hurt lashing out. I agree that it’s human nature, and it’s actually a topic I plan on trying to write on in the near future.

      We all seem to know an understand that physical abuse is wrong. But at the same time, I think emotional abuse is actually very common, and is a common “coping mechanism” for people, even though it is arguably just as damaging psychologically.

      Healthy relationships are hard, and sometimes I think basic human psychology is at the root of most of the issues we have. Learning how our “wiring” can sabotage us and then learning to fight back against it seems like one of the keys to healthy relationships.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. and I forgot to add that the spouse who was betrayed plays a very important part in the road toward taking full responsibility by their partner. Unfortunately, many betrayed spouses do initially the majority of the heavy lifting….(when their spouse is not ready to accept full responsibility) but they will only be successful when in the end they do it together….
    Elisabeth

    Liked by 1 person

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