About The Zombie Shuffle Blog

Welcome to The Zombie Shuffle blog!!!

The basic idea behind this blog was that we all just kind of stumble our way through our relationships (just doing the zombie shuffle).  For many people, that’s enough and we are able to find happiness.  But for many of us we run into difficult times, and sometimes those times can be overwhelming.  Sometimes we need help and guidance.  Sometimes we need a shoulder to cry on, or just to know that we aren’t alone.

I hope to use this blog to explore concepts on life and love.  Everyone who gets married wants and expects it to last.  So why do so many fail?  And for those that don’t fail, why do so many people end up unhappy or in a marriage that isn’t satisfying?  What are we doing wrong?  Those are questions I ask myself, and this is my forum for coming up with possible answers.

I encourage any feedback, as I think we all have a lot to learn from each other.  And by listening to different ideas and different perspectives we can better ourselves, and hopefully that will carry over into our relationships.

My Story

For years my life had gone down its expected path:

Finish high school, go to university.  Meet a girl, start a career, get married, do some travelling, start a family.  Buy a house, try preparing for the future while balancing and enjoying the present.

There was no white picket fence (its pressure treated wood, and I recently stained it a cedar tone), but I was living the Canadian equivalent of the “American Dream”.  I had plans to continue my career, pay off the house, try to shape the children to be the best people they could possibly be, start traveling again and grow old happily with my wife.

We weren’t rich, but we were comfortable, and I my defined success more by my family then the size of my paycheck anyhow.  My greatest dream was to find ourselves retirees, still very much in love, walking hand in hand down the beach of some tropical destination.

After many years of marriage I noticed my wife had seemed “down”.  A distance between us seemed to be forming, and it seemed to be getting worse.  One night I asked her if everything was alright and next thing I knew my whole world was crumbling around me.  She didn’t love me any more, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be married anymore.  There was other stuff, but those were the ones that resonated.

Hearing that stuff hurt, a lot.  I told myself that marriages go through rough patches and that is what this would be.  I told myself this could be a good thing.  For her to feel this way there were reasons, and if we could figure them out we would strengthen our marriage and build for a stronger future.  If I could understand what went wrong and why she felt that way, we could make things better.  After all, I loved her – wasn’t that enough?

Well, after spending years fighting “for” the marriage we ultimately decided to go our separate ways.  It wasn’t the outcome I had hoped for, but after that first day she never seemed to buy into the belief that life together could be fulfilling and rewarding.  And really, for a relationship to work BOTH people need to want it.

Now I find myself in a spot I never expected.  Restarting my life in my 40’s, and hoping to one day find my “forever person” and build a relationship that will hopefully be able to endure.

Those limbo years spent fighting for a marriage that was already over were difficult, but I try not to think of them as wasted.  Because during that time I think I’ve learned a lot about myself and relationships in general, and that is what I hope to share.

39 thoughts on “About The Zombie Shuffle Blog”

  3. Enjoyed reading your article on The Fickle Heartbeat about guys and girls being “just friends.” I had also recently started crafting a post on that topic. 🙂
    – J

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  4. Very interesting story, friend. You are great being able to share your story. It takes courage and humility – great virtues to do this. I wish we had more open people in the world. I believe if you keep on working on your marriage things will work out well. I learned the lesson you leaned that if we allow our love to itself the fire will quench. We have to work on it; and work hard too. It calls for sacrifice. I present Marriage Encounter Week ends, and I see miracles happen in people’s marriages. With time we may be able to share experiences on marriage to strengthen each other. I have a marriage Encounter sharing group and it helps a great deal.

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  5. I am a fairly private person by nature, so sharing my story is not easy. Even with the bits I have shared, I try to leave it very high level. The last thing I am interested in is an online diary of my life.

    But I share it for a reason. Quite simply, my story is far from unique. The issues couples face are very common, and there are many people out there all over the world who are going through the same exact things. And when you do, you feel lost and alone, and you don’t know what to do.

    I think we can learn from each other, which is the main reason why I encourage any feedback on my posts. I think people give up on relationships far too easily, and I believe with a bit more care, effort, and acknowledgement that the problems we face are actually fairly normal, most relationships have the capacity to grow into much more than they are today.

    People talk about not wanting to “settle”. I don’t think that means “find someone better”. I think that means don’t ever stop caring, trying, and growing. Settling has very little to do with the other person, and has everything to do with the approach you personally bring into your relationship.

    If you want better, then make it better.

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  6. Hi, Drew. I am sorry to realise I never posted a comment on this because I know I thought about it the first time I read it over. I think you are brave to not only post such sensitive info on yourself but to take on such huge topics overall in your blog. Good luck to you, friend.

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    • It took me a little while to respond to this – mainly because I was heads down the in “self love” series of posts I had.

      Those were a bit more serious and intense than I usually do (my earlier stuff incorporates a bit more humor), but it wasn’t content that really lent itself to fun. So this is a welcome change of pace.

      Many thanks.

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  8. Will be nice to hear some positive and helpful advice, especially from a male point of view. Granted I’m in a same sex (female) relationship but I’ve been on both sides and my partner is quite “male” in her behaviors (not trying to stereotype) We hit a rough patch last year. Heard the same thing you did, the same way you did… I had to ask. I got the “I just don’t think I’m in love anymore” phrase. Daggers. After 11 years, we were best friends, soul mates. What happened? Communication gap is what happened, we settled, got comfy, took each other for granted and she became vulnerable and strayed a bit off the beaten path which is the hardest part I’m having to face now but we’ve learned a lot through all this heartache, as you know. Thank you for sharing, I look forward to catching up and reading more of your blogs today!

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    • Ah, the good old “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you anymore”. I can’t remember which one it was, but a while back I had a post on that idea and what it means. I think the feeling of being “in love” is only a small part of love, and it’s a feeling that will go away if you don’t work to maintain it.

      My belief is that maintaining the feelings of being in love is the responsibility of each of us. It is not my partners responsibility to keep me feeling “in love”. Sure, it’s great if she shows me affection and makes me feel valued and loved, but ultimately my feelings for her are MY responsibility. It is up to me to make her a priority in my thoughts and in my life. It is up to me to value her, and appreciate her. It’s up to me to focus on the positives in our life instead of the negatives. If I don’t and the feelings of being “in love” start to fade? Well, that’s as much my fault as it is hers (probably more actually).

      Thanks again for reading.

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  9. Pingback: It Will Never Be The Same | thezombieshuffle

  10. Pingback: It will never be the same | The Fickle Heartbeat

  11. Just stumbled upon your blog. Still a little new to the blogging world. I have to say I think I have found a true gem here. Love what I have read so far! I’m having a rough time in my life and found myself a little bit more focused after reading some of your material.

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    • Well, many of us start blogging for that exact reason. We are having a hard time, and for some reason getting things out in a written form seems to help sort and organize thoughts.

      I have taken a look at your blog, and I see your story is one that is all too common.

      Why are relationships so hard some times? That’s question I ask myself all the time, and I would like to think I’ve been able to make sense of some of the reasons.

      Even still, I believe in love. I believe in monogamy. And I believe in marriage.

      I just think it takes a bit more work than I realized at first.

      Thanks for reading.

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  12. I applaud you for writing such an open and honest account of this part of your life. Not blaming but focusing on the how’s and why’s. What is needed ?
    It is wonderful to read a blog like this. Male or female,. I need both right now.
    I am amazed at how well you write. I love the view from a male standpoint. The way you want to understand both sides of the issue.
    Off for now before i open up too much.
    Thanks. Sarah

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    • Hi Sarah, thanks for writing. I appreciate the kind words.

      You know, relationships are hard. We are different people, with different needs, and that means conflict will invariably happen.

      To me, it’s important to look at the bigger picture and not focus on the little issues that can intrude every day.

      My goal with this blog has always been to let people know that they are not alone with their issues, and that there is always hope.

      Can all relationships be salvaged? No.
      Should all be salvaged?
      Again, no. Sometimes it’s better for everyone to move on.

      That being said, most relationships can and should be better than they are. With a bit of effort, honest reflection and communication I believe most relationships can be great.

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  13. You seem to be a good person. I do believe that marriage is like a JOB you have to make it work and people who easily give up and didn’t do anything to sort it out first is just resigning to the fact that they or the relationships FAIL so they are RESIGNED to move on. Sad though 😦

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    • I agree fully that a marriage is like a job. I’ve been reluctant to use that term in the past, because there is often a negative connotation to the word job. It’s often seen as something you “have to do” instead of something you “want to do”. But whether it’s a job, or a calling like a favorite hobby or sport the same premise applies.

      You only get out what you put in. And the more you work at your marriage, the better it can be.

      People understand that to get a good job they (usually) need to put in time to get schooling or learn a trade. They understand that if you want to excel at a sport or a musical instrument, you need to put in time to learn. And the more time you put in, the better you get. Olympic athletes don’t achieve that level by chance. Sure, they may have good genetics but it still requires dedication and sacrifice.

      Yet many people seem to believe that a successful marriage should “just happen”. That if you simply love one another, everything should be rainbows and butterflies.

      I guess I, like many others kind of believed that for many years. I worked at my career, I worked at my hobbies, and worked at being a good parent. I thought I was being a good husband too, but in retrospect I took my wife for granted and didn’t put the same sort of effort into ensuring my marriage was the best it could be. I think I’ve learned a lot over the past few years about what love and relationships are really about, and what some of the important ingredients are for success. And the biggest thing is consistent effort.

      As for being a good person, I think we all have moments that we are good and bad, and to me whether someone is good or not is a judgement call based on their actions.

      So am I a good person? I hope so. Like anyone else, I make mistakes and have selfish moments. But I try to live my life in the way that I feel is “right”. Which to me means integrity, self awareness, and taking ownership of my own choices and actions.

      Thanks for commenting.

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    • The fun part about journeys is, they never really end. One part of it ends, and another starts.

      The journey that started me on writing this blog has been going on for almost 4 years now, and part of me is proud of myself for still being here and still being me after all this time. Another part of me thinks things have been dragging on long enough with no real changes, and that if things haven’t really changed by now then maybe it’s time to accept that this is just what my new life looks like, and if I’m not happy with that then I need to move on and start a new chapter.

      In the meantime, I continue to try and grow, and learn, and be the best “me” that I can be.

      I’m definitely not the same person I was. Older, wiser maybe, a bit sadder and disillusioned, but at the same time I still hold on to believing in love and marriage. And believing that if two people can put “we” before “me” then life can still be magical.

      Thanks for commenting

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      • I can follow through your blog, or you can give me the cheat sheet answer here. Your intro stated that your marriage took an unexpected turn. Are you still married to the same person? It’s only been four months for me, and I can’t imagine how it could go six months or a year.

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      • Am I still married to the same person?

        That’s a hard question to truly answer. And truly, not a question you’ll really find the answer to in these pages.

        My blog is a bit different than many, in that it’s not really about me, or my story.

        Elements of that show through, but my blog is more about my growth, and my philosophies on life and love. I’ve talked to lots of people and read a lot of things, and tried to come up with some thoughts and possible answers on what goes wrong for so many of us, and how we could do things differently and hopefully make our relationships/marriages more satisfying and successful.

        Back to the question above – yes, I am still married to the woman I married many years ago.

        The hard part of the question becomes, is she the same woman? Am I the same man? People grow, and change. The hard part is growing and changing “together”. And that part we definitely haven’t done very well.

        What does the future hold? Truthfully I have no idea. I have things I need out of life, and so does she. Although we’re still together, in many ways we’re also very far apart.

        So the question I continue to ask is, can we find ways to get closer together again or do we need to accept that part of our life (and therefore our life together) is over? I’m still in the process of trying to figure that out, as is she I guess.

        Not fun, but as you said – life is a journey.

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      • You’re conflating facts (being married) to philosophy (what is the nature of sameness). I love it! 🙂 I now get a sense of what your blog is about. I mention similar thoughts of my own in my entries. My writing right now is almost 80% cathartic. I need to get what’s in me out there. And blogging helps.

        Have a nice weekend! Hope there are good moments in there for you.

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    • Ha, nice article. I’ve probably mentioned it somewhere in these pages over the years, but I have a degree in philosophy. It’s been a long time (finished it in 96), but a lot of the things I learned back then have continued to shape my thinking.

      One of my biggest takeaways from philosophy was the importance of trying to remove emotion from the equation when addressing problems, and trying to think through them in objective ways. As part of that we had to approach arguments from both sides instead of getting caught up in what we personally believed.

      In many ways, the seeds of this blog were formed back in those philosophy classes. Back then I came to the realization that I didn’t actually know who I was or what I believed in. I mean, I thought I did. But when I had to break down “why” I believed in something, I often found exceptions, and the things I thought I believed in started to fall apart.

      So I had this idea to start writing. Because by writing I could actually see my beliefs in front of me, and then I could challenge them and see if they still held together and I still believed what I thought I did.

      Over the years I started working on this countless times. I would write down all sorts of concepts and ideas in bullet points, and then start to write what I “thought” I believed about them. I never went very far with it though.

      It wasn’t until around 4 1/2 years ago when my life started to fall apart that i really started doing this. By then, my focus had become relationships (since mine was in disarray), but also general ideas on life and personal growth.

      I wrote for around a year just in word documents before I had the idea of adapting it to a blog. And when I first adapted it, I didn’t really know if anyone would ever find it (much less care about it). I published it mostly to force myself to write on a regular basis.

      Now, 3 1/2 years and around 230k words later, I really enjoy doing it.

      Thanks for the link.

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      • I can’t believe I didn’t see this before. I did remember that you have a philosophy degree. The article is from a guy a met when I was in college. He was an upper classman when I was a freshman and he lived in a tiny little dorm that was about two steps away from the women’s dorm I lived in. He always has a unique perspective, always worth some consideration. Though I’m glad to have contact over the internet and get to read his great stuff, I’m not sure why I thought of you this particular time reading it or why I hadn’t sooner. You’re two worthwhile bloggers, which do be honest is a rare thing.

        I’ve been developing an idea (mostly only in my head so far) that there are some treasures in a world full of fluff and nonsense and disinformation and bad ideas who need to be published. I want to make that happen. The world needs it.

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