Growing up I read a lot of books, and my genre of choice was fantasy.
Castles, knights, dragons, elves, dwarves, creatures like trolls/orcs/goblins etc; quests for mystical objects to save the world from some impending doom or evil.
I love that stuff.
For me, the fantasy genre was a way to escape into a world that was completely different from the one I knew. There was nobility, intrigue, betrayal, redemption. And there was usually the romantic notion of good triumphing over evil.
In the fantasy world, everything people did had a purpose. You don’t see a lot of people doing things like eating, going to the bathroom, cleaning up the yard, or paying the bills. They don’t even really talk about their day. But when they do, it’s known as “character development”.
In the world of fantasy, things are always exciting!!!
(Alright, I know. In Lord of the Rings the characters do a lot of walking. And I mean A LOT. But hey, they had to cross all of Middle Earth and it’s not like they had cars or anything. So even all that walking was done with a noble purpose in mind).
The main draw of the fantasy world is, it’s just that. Fantasy. It’s not real. It’s an escape.
When we read about knights and dragons, it’s pretty clear that this is just a make believe world. Same as the world of superheroes, science fiction, and Disney princesses.
It’s less clear when the fantasy world more closely resembles that of real life. TV shows, movies, books. Often they are set in “the real world”, but they are just as separated from real life as the world of Fantasy.
And problems can occur when fantasy starts to interfere with real life.
Romantic Love
I write about relationships, and with that I truly believe in love, romance, and all the stuff that comes with that.
But I completely reject the way love is often portrayed.
True love. The One. Two people’s eyes meeting across a crowded room, and they know they will be together forever.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m a romantic so I understand the appeal of that stuff. But it’s a load of crap, and I think it does a lot of damage to people’s understandings of real, healthy relationships.
Let’s look at dating, and love.
Love is supposed to be altruistic. It’s about genuinely caring about another person, and being able to (at times) put their needs and wants first. It’s about being part of something that’s bigger than you.
In the dating world on the other hand, you see a selfish form of love. When you first meet someone, do you REALLY care about them? Umm, no. Dating is primarily about what YOU want, and how you can find someone who will be able to satisfy YOUR needs and wants. Sure, you give to the other person. But that giving isn’t done freely, it’s done because of what we get out of it. Either it makes us feel good to give, or we are expecting something in return.
In the dating world, you (usually) aren’t even YOU. Instead, you are portraying a version of you. And usually, you are putting forth what you believe to be the best version of you, or the version that you think the other person will be most interested in.
And the other person is doing the same.
You are exchanging carefully constructed facades, which have elements of the “real people” underneath. But there is a lot that is left hidden, or unsaid.
Dating may have elements of a deeper relationship. But like Fantasy it’s only a part of it, it’s not based on reality.
In a perfect world, as you get to know each other better you come to value the other person as more than just a vehicle for your needs. You come to understand them, and genuinely care about them. And eventually, you start to think of the relationship with them as something larger than use yourself. You are contributing to something, and building something. You are still “you”, but you are now also part of an “us”.
Romance stories and movies usually depict the early stages of relationships. The excitement, the passion and the romance. And often they end with the couple finally “making it” (usually after going their separate ways after a misunderstanding, and then at the last minute realizing they do belong together after all).
Romance stories usually end with the wedding. Really though, that’s where “easy” stops and the real work begins.
When Life Gets in the Way
Life is mostly routine. We work, pay bills, shop for groceries, prepare meals, do yard work, etc. All of this is stuff we “have” to do, and there’s nothing particularly exciting or romantic about it. But really, this is where most of our energy gets spent. Add kids to the mix, and often it seems there’s little time left to focus on being lovers and being a couple. So people settle into patterns, and what may have started as passionate love becomes a love based more on comfort and familiarity.
Love based on comfort and familiarity isn’t a bad thing. At the same time though, romance doesn’t have to die. In fact, it should NEVER die. But it will change, and unless a couple works at it they will end up waking up one day and finding they are more roommates than a couple.
Romance doesn’t just happen. Passion doesn’t just happen.
In the early days it’s there because it’s new, we are learning each other, and we are putting energy into it. When we stop putting in, it fades. And it’s not the responsibility of one person to keep things “alive”. Both people in a relationship need to be willing to put the effort in, and prioritize being lovers.
Finding Passion again – the WRONG way!!!
A while back I interviewed a guy who cheated on his wife, and posted the story of his affair. I’ve talked to a number of people and read a number of stories about affairs, and often the story is similar.
People get caught up in the “routine” side of life and find themselves longing for the “old days”. They find themselves missing the early stages of love – the passionate side. And they convince themselves that is “real” love, and they will never be able to find it again with their current partner. They feel “dead inside”, so they start to look elsewhere in order to feel alive again.
In talking about his affair, he wrote:
I was lonely and dying for attention, which is what led me to look for it elsewhere. I did not do this looking for an affair, but just some attention that validated I was worth something. Then I met the other woman (OW), one thing led to another until I was in a full blown affair.
Affair are like a return to the world of dating, and it’s important to note that they are not real life. Rather, they are a way to escape from the pressures and stresses of real life.
Just like an alcoholic turning to drink, or an addict turning to a chemical high, affairs are a way to escape from reality. Affair partners meet up in secret, and it’s all about need fulfillment.
There’s no real responsibility; no worrying about mortgages, bills or the kids. Rather, the relationship with the affair partner is like being on a constant vacation.
Really, they are an “easy way out”. Instead of actually facing and dealing with problems within a relationship, or accepting that the problems within a relationship are significant enough that the relationship should end; an affair is a way for someone to “have it both ways”. They are able to pick and choose the parts of the relationship they want to deal with in their primary relationship, and then find the parts that are missing elsewhere.
Of course, they also destroy lives and do a tremendous amount of damage to everyone involved.
They are also not sustainable.
Eventually, if the affair partners see each other enough the “vacation” will end. Real life will start to intrude, with issues and responsibilities. When this happens the carefully constructed facades crumble, and the real person beneath starts to show. A real person, who has real problems just like anyone else. And when this becomes apparent, the appeal of the affair is often broken.
It was euphoria when were together and agony when we were apart. This is what fed the illusion that it was such a great “relationship”. The reality was, it was just fantasy land and as I began to see her with everyday problems like us, the less and less I wanted to be with her. I think I was finally really realizing what I had done. I was seeing that the OW was really just fantasy land and none of it was real.
When the fantasy of the affair was broken and reality hit, he found himself trying to understand “why” he did it. Why he felt such chemistry and passion with his affair partner but not with his wife. And his answer was simple:
It is a funny question to me now. What did she see that my wife didn’t? I can answer it without a problem. She saw someone who had an interest in them. Who made them feel attractive and interesting. So she never saw me, she saw what I was giving her. So the real question I should have been asking myself was not “What did she see that my wife didn’t?” but “What I am giving her that I am not giving my wife?”
He had chemistry and passion not because of anything special about his affair partner. No, it was there because of what he put into the relationship. Time, energy, and effort. He put that in to his time with his affair partner, and this led to the passion he had been missing.
Fantasy land is just that. Fantasy. It’s great as an escape, but it’s important to remember that it is not real life. And it’s an escape that should only ever occur within the mind.
When the lines start to blur between fantasy and reality, often many lives are affected.
And no matter how great the fantasy world may seem, eventually reality always comes crashing down.
thezombieshuffle 
“He had chemistry and passion not because of anything special about his affair partner. No, it was there because of what he put into the relationship. Time, energy, and effort. He put that in to his time with his affair partner, and this led to the passion he had been missing.”
This is massively true and simple but at the same time massively hard.
I’d love to say that one person alone in a flagging relationship can turn things around by putting in time, energy and effort, but I’m not sure it works out that way in real life always.
Even with two people operating in good faith but on their own individual timelines, it’s easy for two partners to get horribly out of sync and the result can be one partner feeling like the person quoted in your earlier blog.
Your post is very poignant for me because I realized at one point a month ago that I was putting time, energy and effort into an acquaintance/friend relationship that I was not putting into my relationship with my wife. That realization was a loud wake up call. Fortunately it didn’t require an affair to wake up to that and try to correct that.
Even so, the ebb and flow between two people means that your time, energy and effort may not be heard, may not be the right thing(s) at the right time(s), and when it comes around you may not be in a place where you can hear and receive what your partner is trying say and show.
Sometimes people run out of energy or time or patience. This business of relationships is very simple in some ways and very difficult, over time, in others.
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Hi Jack, you say “the business” of relationships – and I think that’s exactly what the problem is.
When dating, there is no responsibility, no real commitment. It’s “easy”, and “free”.
Marriage (or even just living together) starts to resemble a small business. You have all these other things to worry about, and they sap the energy from the relationship itself.
It’s actually pretty difficult to wake up each day and choose the other person, and intentionally put your energies into them.
Sometimes we DO want to just escape from real life for a while. It’s just that there are good ways and bad ways to do it. And putting our energies into another person is NEVER a good way.
It may not always lead to an affair (of course this depends on how you define “affair”. To me it’s an affair LONG before it gets physical). But putting your energies into someone else sure as hell lays the groundwork that makes a full on affair possible.
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Sometimes I just love living in my fantasy world in my head. A little too much sometimes, I never want to leave =/
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Yeah, I hear you. However my fantasy world starts and stops with things like dragons and knights (alright, maybe with giant space lasers too).
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But does it really (stop with dragons and knights)? 🙂 I fantasize about who I could be (but am not), and get frustrated when the me who I am doesn’t measure up to the me I fantasize about…and I get distracted from trying to move the me who I am forward to be the me who I really could be.
Likewise, I fantasize about who my wife could be (but isn’t) and I get distracted from learning about her and loving who she is.
I don’t know if I’m the only one who lets those fantasies run amok in their head – I would tend to doubt that, but it’s possible. 🙂
I’m not sure what Lolsy’s fantasies look like or are about. I think that if we’re healthy and grounded, fantasies could help put us in touch with our goals and dreams in a way that’s positive for us and those around us.
Learning is never done…this is a great bit of food for thought, Drew!
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Hi Jack,
When you ask “does it really stop”, it depends on what you mean.
But for me, I think I can truthfully say yes. Let me explain…
One idea I’ve had rolling around in my head for a long time (which I started a post on that I’ve never finished) is the idea of an “identity gap”. To me, this is the gap between who we are and who we want to be.
I don’t think ANYONE is their idealized version of “self”. The question is, do you accept that it’s an idealized version and not reality? The next question is, if you aren’t there, what are you doing to get there?
I’m a HUGE believer in continuous improvement. I always want to learn, and be better. I’m not saying I make steady progress forward – sometimes things happen that push me back. But it’s generally a continuous forward movement towards being who I want to be.
Now here’s the big one for me:
Although I may not be who I want to be – I have accepted who I am. And I can truly say, even if I never achieve the things I want to achieve – I am enough. I really believe that until you can accept yourself for who you are, warts and all, you can never move forward. You can never truly improve. And by accepting who I am, I am able to live in the present moment and appreciate everything around me.
When people are focused on this identity gap, they are focussed on who they are not (instead of who they are). And if THAT is your focus? Well, first I don’t think someone will ever be happy. Because it doesn’t matter how much you improve, you can always get better. And also, people who are focused on what they are not are unable to live in the moment, and appreciate the simple things in life.
So do I fantasize a better me, or a life that better caters to my needs? Sure. But I don’t allow that to get in the way of who I am and where I am now.
That’s my take on it.
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I have many of the dragons around my room,lol…So many,lol
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Understandable. I mean, dragons are cool. 🙂
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“So the real question I should have been asking myself was not ‘What did she see that my wife didn’t?’ but ‘What I am giving her that I am not giving my wife?'”
I think many people “get” this post, but either forget it among all the routine busyness of regular adult life, or willfully ignore it because we (with alarming frequency) choose This Feels Good over what could, to each of us, be called The Right Thing, which ironically would make us feel best over the long haul.
This post (as I’m sure most of your writing does, Drew) is another in an infinite string of reminders about the importance of people finding their own way to be vigilant.
When nothing scary is going on, we lull ourselves into a false sense of security. Then things go wrong later in their relationships, and each and every one of them think and feel “Man, if I’d only have known, I would have done everything differently.” Like the person who totally would have eaten better food and exercised daily to avoid whatever disease or chronic condition they developed by NOT doing that.
It’s particularly scary to me because even though, just like you, I’m thinking about this stuff all the time, I’m STILL liable to lose track of the little details and cause pain in others through thoughtless negligence.
That quote from the gentleman you interviewed is about as wise and self-aware as any statement I’ve ever read or heard someone make about their troubled or failed relationship.
The switch in perspective from US to OUR SPOUSE/PARTNER changes everything.
Psychologically as we discuss it.
And in actual real-life terms when we make the disciplined choice to choose it every day.
This is a really good post, Drew. Thank you for being a strong voice for these important Life things.
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Shee-eeet, I’ve got me a Matt appearance!
I think most relationship problems occur because psychologically, our default state is selfishness. Which makes sense, because we only can experience things through our own senses, and our own lens of perception. So when events occur, we see them in terms of how they impact us.
I think this is why empathy is a learned behaviour. It’s probably the most important thing we CAN learn, but it’s still learned.
I’m very much a “team” person. In a work environment, I like being part of something bigger than me, and seeing how I can contribute to something. Same as on a basketball court, or in my community. And same as in a relationship. I find personal value in being part of a “we”. That’s not to say I don’t value “me”, because I do. But if life was just about me? Well, I suspect that would be pretty lonely.
That said, there are definitely times I have hurt people I care about through selfishness and thoughtlessness. So you’re right, it’s something we always have to be vigilant against.
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I’m super impressed with my long winded response considering I did it on an iPhone with a very cracked screen!
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On an iPhone? Seriously? Consider me impressed.
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Yep! I consider that and efficiently cleaning up cat puke my super powers.
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Another great blog to follow. How ever will I keep up. As someone who has been on the receiving and participating end of this topic, there are no truer words!
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Hi Natasha, welcome to thezombieshuffle. Hope you find some stuff here of interest and potentially of value.
You mention you’ve been on the receiving and participating end of the topic. I’m guessing you’re talking about affairs, and not travelling through middle-earth on foot?
Everything I’ve heard is that an affair is an escape from “real life”, a way of getting back to the passion/excitement of a relationship. But it’s always a fantasy, and not real. And it is mostly sustained precisely BECAUSE it doesn’t have to deal with things like bills/groceries/kids/yardwork etc.
If so, can you give me any insight into the mindset that justifies/rationalizes an affair?
Because that’s the part that’s still really fuzzy for me. I struggle to see how someone can do that behind the back of another person who they profess to love.
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Yeah I REALLY hate revisiting these parts of my life that are thankfully long gone.
As for what would entice one to involve themselves in an affair it’s pretty easy for me to pinpoint. Feeling something again. My circumstance was like many. Prior to being married I had a daughter and her father had an affair and promptly left me. After that I met a man I eventually married who had several affairs. I could get into the details but I won’t. One day I met someone and although nothing physical ever happened the emotional aspect was strong. I think
it’s very complicated every single time it happens. I look back at those days as some of my darkest and trust me when I say I beat myself up about it every day. I’m not sure you were attempting to sort of shame me with the question, but I took it that way.
I learned a lot from what happened and I really think you did a very good job of describing why people might do it. I will go out on a limb and say that it can happen to anyone. Even the strongest people of heart can fall into this situation. That of course may get some criticism but I genuinely believe it.
I am suddenly regretting being honest and using my real name:)
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Geez, I apologize. I had no intention of trying to make you feel ashamed there, though I guess I see why you would feel that way.
It’s just that although I think I understand affairs at an intellectual level, at an emotional and a human level – I guess I can’t.
Not sure if you’ve read much of my blog, but I really do believe in love, and marriage, and in people. I can’t understand people ever doing things without realizing they will hurt other people. I don’t know, sometimes I feel like I’m wired differently from a lot of people. But when I do something, I’m all in. I’m passionate about what I do, and if I wasn’t passionate anymore I would leave the situation. So it’s foreign to me to stay in a situation that someone doesn’t really want to be in.
Again, apologies for stirring up any feelings best left alone.
But thanks for your honesty in your response
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And to more clearly answer the question, my need for being wanted trumped everything when this happened. Being a wife, a mother, and carrying the brunt if every day life pretty much alone, left me feeling sub human. Kind of the opposite of what you’d think would happen right?
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Actually I’ve heard that a lot, that sometimes being a wife and a mother leads to someone no longer feeling like a woman. And how the need to feel wanted as a woman again will lead them down that road.
Question for you – do you think being a wife and a mother is mutually exclusive with being a woman?
I’ve heard from women who just can’t/don’t feel sexual around their husbands anymore, even if their husbands DO still desire them and try to make them feel valued and wanted.
For some people it seems almost like the role of wife and mother is incompatible with being a woman – so they need to turn to someone else to feel that way.
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I can’t figure out how to appropriately respond so hopefully this goes to the right spot!
So, I do think becoming a wife/mother can cause some to feel this way but I also think in a way being part of these roles makes you feel even more like a woman. More in a primal way I guess but it’s a strong feeling.
I have four kids and I can honestly say I’ve gone in and out of feeling like a desirable woman. I tend to think that feeling is overall an indication of how you feel about yourself and less about how a significant other is making me feel. Yes, without a doubt, I had babies, I gained weight, lost weight, gained weight, lost weight, got less and less attention from my husband, he had affairs, there was lying, I was overwhelmed, the list goes on. I could give you an excuse that consists of me telling you all the things he was making me feel that led me to feel less like a woman(which ultimately led me into a six month emotional affair) BUT it all really reflects how I felt about myself. People don’t really get into these situations because other people are causing a new found void, they get into them because no one is artificially filling that void anymore. It all comes back to you and how you feel about yourself. That’s why I think so many people are succeptible to this. Most of us are a work in progress and looking to fill voids in some place or the other.
I have not read anything else(yet) on the blog but you said you go passionately into something or you get out. It’s not always that simple. I think passion is always where we begin, but it’s very easy to fall out of passion and very easy to fall into mundane. There’s truly a beauty to mundane. However both people have to be able to see that beauty or it will cause problems. It can create comfort and the type of love that is rock solid. It can also create chaos. It’s funny that I read matts blog, which is how I found this post, and now this. I do love everything you guys say and I read it to gain insight and explore the millions of feelings I have on this topic, but I get to this ultimate place that I think might be contrary to what I read. I think ultimately it would be nice to get to a place where love doesn’t require so much work, which coincidentally take a shit ton of work. Strange how that works out!
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Natasha,
you’ve touched on a number of things here that I think are super important.
“I tend to think that feeling is overall an indication of how you feel about yourself and less about how a significant other is making me feel.”
I believe that 100%. In fact, that’s a huge theme in my blog.
Relationships involve two people, and each person comes in with their own “damage”. And that damage has a big impact on how the relationship will grow and develop. Physical, emotional and mental health all factor in here. They impact how much a person is able to put IN to the relationship vs. how much they hold back. And they impact how we treat each other. I believe how I treat someone is more a reflection on me, than it is on the other person. Because although I have no control over a persons actions, I am in full control over how I respond to those actions. Really, I think each persons individual coping mechanisms are one of the biggest things that will determine the success of any relationship.
You mention Matt’s blog, and this is one area where I disagree with him. He has the approach that the most important thing for us to do is take a look at how we treat others, and if I just treat another person “the right way” then good things will happen. In theory, that’s great, and makes sense. And I won’t disagree with the main concept – because of course we want to listen and understand each other, and of course we should try to treat each other “the right way”.
What I think he misses sometimes though, is the frequency with which that stuff won’t actually help.
If someone has their own personal issues/demons, their partner doing “all the right things” won’t necessarily help. Because as you said – how they feel is more about how they feel about themself than about how their partner treats them.
You talk about “filling a void”, and this is a key concept for me.
Some people for whatever reason, have this void within them. And often it’s associated with things like depression and anxiety. When someone has this void, they often DON’T feel good about themselves. So they look for ways to fill it. But they miss the point, because they try finding what is wrong, and try finding external ways to fill it. Maybe a better job, or losing some weight, or working out, or having a kid, or a new lover, or…
…the list goes on. When the void exists within that person, they require external validation. Their sense of self worth is damaged, so they look for validation from other people to give them that sense of self worth. This can lead to all sorts of self destructive behaviours – and among those is affairs.
My belief is, people have to learn who they actually are, and be willing to accept themselves for who they are (not who they wish they were). When that happens, self worth will start to come from within, and that void starts to get filled. They no longer need external validation, because they know their own value.
But it all has to start with recognizing the problem comes from within, and then starting to heal the self.
Thanks for your comments, they have been thought provoking and are greatly appreciated.
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Anxiety is a HUGE factor and kind of saddening that a lot of this clearly comes from certain being wired in many different ways. Not to say that’s the only reason, because it’s not. We are all in control of our own lives and we choose our actions. I don’t want to convey in any way that me or anyone else saying “well I have anxiety/depression etc, so I can’t control it. That’s bs. We all have the power to change our lives and search for the self love that will bring these relationships about more naturally.
Growing up is difficult! I say this as I hear my cat puking all over the floor. Sigh….
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Yeah, I completely agree about anxiety and depression not being an excuse. They can be contributing factors, definitely. As they can lay the conditions that make things like affairs more likely. But ultimately, people make their own choices. And they DO have the power to change – IF they accept there is a problem, and if they work towards addressing it.
Something you may be interested in – a little over a year ago I wrote a series of posts on “self love”. I actually had a hand on them from a buddy who suffers from a pretty serious anxiety disorder, and he chronicled his story on his lack of self love, anxiety, how it impacted him and how he finally was able to find himself again.
I think it’s fascinating stuff, and worth a read for anyone who struggles with anxiety issues.
I actually have a number of posts on anxiety, and how it affects relationships and love. As I think it’s a pretty serious issue that affects a lot of people.
If you’re interested, the first post was https://thezombieshuffle.com/2015/03/01/do-you-love-yourself/
Have fun with the cat puke 🙂
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Thanks! I will definitely give those a read. Keep up the good work. Look forward to reading more of this blog.
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“To me it’s an affair LONG before it gets physical.”
You don’t know how long it took me to realize this. My ex had emotional affairs with other women for years, and I used to justify it by telling myself that he was getting something from them he couldn’t get from me, and, at least he came home to me at night. Did I feel good about other people’s needs/wants/feelings coming before mine? No. But I thought I was being a considerate wife by not complaining (too much). Now I am wiser. I know what he was getting was the “no responsibilities” thing. When he left me, my father summed it up perfectly, “He wants to be a college kid again. Fun without responsibility.”
Thanks for writing this.
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I wrote a post a few years back called “can guys and girls just be friends?” And I think they *can* be, but at the same time we need to accept that the things that lead to relationships (and affairs) are pretty simple. Spend time together. Share things with each other – personal things, your issues, your interests and desires. You do this stuff and you are “building in” the chemistry that leads to more.
If you’re both single, no problem. But if either of you are in a relationship? Well, then you really should know better.
This is where I will NEVER accept “it just happened”, or “it was a mistake” for affairs. People aren’t stupid. They realize when it’s happening, but they get so caught up in it, and in how good it makes them feel that they keep it going. Until eventually they cross lines they never expected to cross. And the problem is, they set those lines in the wrong spot. The lines should never have been sex. The lines should have been intimate sharing of your life with a member of the opposite sex, when you are currently in a relationship.
As for your ex, and your fathers comment – yeah, it’s perfect. And it’s a story I’ve seen FAR too many times. Someone hits a point that they decide they don’t really want to be an adult anymore. They want the fun, and the easy road in life. But they don’t want to deal with the responsibilities that come with it.
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I missed this the first time:
‘What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it’s supposed to be.”
Wow, I need to digest that for a bit. It doesn’t look very profound at first but I wonder if that’s a major stumbling block for me…? Obviously I’m the only one who can answer that, and equally obviously I need to do so…
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Hey Jack, I think that’s a major stumbling block for most people.
A few months back I watched the movie boyhood (great film), and there was a super powerful scene (to me anyway) where Patricia Arquette’s son is leaving for college, and she breaks down.
She’s gone through multiple divorces, and her son is leaving and she says “I just thought there would be more”.
And I think that’s it. We have a vision in our head of what life is going to look like. But often, real life doesn’t match it, and can be a bit of a disappointment when compared to that vision.
So to me, it comes back to a main theme of my blog – what is “enough”. If we can’t accept what we have as enough, what in the world makes us think we will be happier if it were different?
Everyone needs to define for themselves what enough actually looks like. And truly, I think each persons own level of happiness depends on being able to do that.
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Somehow this seems a particularly appropriate week to be having this discussion!
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Drew, as a former long-time serial cheater, an aspiring writer, and a big Dungeons & Dragons fan, I love this post!
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Hah, glad to hear. Fantasy has always been my genre of choice – and as a kid I figured I would one day write fantasy novels.
Fantasy world’s have appeal because they are escapism, and I suspect affairs are the same – an escape from regular life.
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I suppose fantasy is fine if it doesn’t hurt or deceive other people and if it doesn’t keep us too remote from reality.
I’ve also toyed with the idea of writing novels. In fact, I’m sort of experimenting with viewing writing as a healthy alternative to my previous unhealthy escapism.
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I would say go for it. This blog, and the process of writing, is one of the main things that kept me sane during some very difficult periods in my life. I truly can’t imagine where I would be if not for that.
I don’t need it anymore, but still enjoy it. So I hope to keep going for some time yet.
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Also, Drew, your discussion of pop culture’s inaccurate portrayal of romantic love as ending with “happily ever after” helpfully reminds me of lessons from Rick Reynolds’ Affair Recovery series.
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I haven’t read it (will have to look it up), but I firmly believe that the portrayal of romantic love contributes greatly to dissatisfaction in relationships.
I think people are often looking for a fantasy that doesn’t exist.
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I concur.
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